『いつか天魔の黒ウサギ』の翻訳研究

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Re: 『いつか天魔の黒ウサギ』の翻訳の研究

Post by YoakeNoHikari »

I got the first part right.

Then, I was pretty much all wrong.

Thanks, though!
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Re: 『いつか天魔の黒ウサギ』の翻訳の研究

Post by Doraneko »

Sounds fun. I think the major trouble lies on how to correctly insert the punctuation marks and separate the lines. The translation part shouldn't be too difficult afterwards. Here is my take.
おまけに、遥はなにげにクラスの男子に人気があるから、

(1)「てめぇ大兎なに調子こいてんだよ!?幸せ者はこれでも食ってろ!」とか言われて、
(2) 机の中をカピの生えた焼そばパンだらけにされちゃったりして、
(3)「おまえらそれイジメだぞイジメって言うんだぞ?」と叫んでも、「幸せ者にはなにしてもいい法律があんだよ、昨日制定されたんだよ!」とかわけのわからないこと言われたりね、

そんなことになる可能性もあるぜこれ、とか、そんなことを悩む、楽しい高校生活。
larethian wrote:On top of that, Haruka was real popular with the guys in the class, and things might turn out in the following manner: Damn you, Taito, don't get too full of yourself, a happy soul like you should eat this,
Sounds alright.

larethian wrote:and after saying that, a flaky yakisoba bread would be taken out from beneath the desk and used to smear them all over with flakes,
Shouldn't it be something like "having the desk drawer stuffed with flaky yakisoba bread"? Note the use of "机の中" and "だらけにされちゃった".
while accompanied by yells of we're bullying you guys with this, we're bullying you, get it?, and followed by there's a new law just passed yesterday that says we can do anything to a happy soul, you know!.
Isn't the Ijimedazo part being a shout by Haruka at the bullies and what followed is a tease against his useless complaint? Note the use of "おまえら", and "と叫んでも" instead of "と叫ばれて".
There was a possibility of such incomprehensible stuff being told to him, thereby igniting a troubling, fun high school life.
Sounds alright.



P.S. If any light / visual novel fan translation group ever needs a test for new translators, this will certainly be a great choice. :lol: :twisted: :lol:
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Re: 『いつか天魔の黒ウサギ』の翻訳の研究

Post by larethian »

Doraneko wrote:Sounds fun. I think the major trouble lies on how to correctly insert the punctuation marks and separate the lines. The translation part shouldn't be too difficult afterwards. Here is my take.
おまけに、遥はなにげにクラスの男子に人気があるから、

(1)「てめぇ大兎なに調子こいてんだよ!?幸せ者はこれでも食ってろ!」とか言われて、
(2) 机の中をカピの生えた焼そばパンだらけにされちゃったりして、
(3)「おまえらそれイジメだぞイジメって言うんだぞ?」と叫んでも、「幸せ者にはなにしてもいい法律があんだよ、昨日制定されたんだよ!」とかわけのわからないこと言われたりね、

そんなことになる可能性もあるぜこれ、とか、そんなことを悩む、楽しい高校生活。
larethian wrote:On top of that, Haruka was real popular with the guys in the class, and things might turn out in the following manner: Damn you, Taito, don't get too full of yourself, a happy soul like you should eat this,
Sounds alright.

larethian wrote:and after saying that, a flaky yakisoba bread would be taken out from beneath the desk and used to smear them all over with flakes,
Shouldn't it be something like "having the desk drawer stuffed with flaky yakisoba bread"? Note the use of "机の中" and "だらけにされちゃった".
while accompanied by yells of we're bullying you guys with this, we're bullying you, get it?, and followed by there's a new law just passed yesterday that says we can do anything to a happy soul, you know!.
Isn't the Ijimedazo part being a shout by Haruka at the bullies and what followed is a tease against his useless complaint? Note the use of "おまえら", and "と叫んでも" instead of "と叫ばれて".
There was a possibility of such incomprehensible stuff being told to him, thereby igniting a troubling, fun high school life.
Sounds alright.



P.S. If any light / visual novel fan translation group ever needs a test for new translators, this will certainly be a great choice. :lol: :twisted: :lol:
So I failed? I was totally spent that day after a weekend conference :oops:

Not too used to bullying methods, initially, I didn't think of their desk being stuffed with the bread, it's my failure to miss を after 机の中. Since it's from Taito's perspective, I just assumed quickly from "されちゃった" that "I'm being done", though I know not how "I could be done in by flaky yakisoba bread". For (3), it's a complete failure on my part; I honestly don't know how I can miss that...... and it's from Taito's perspective, so it's actually shouted by Taito; the bread is stuffed into Taito's desk; the guys won't bully Haruka. So, how's this for a change?:

On top of that, Haruka was real popular with the guys in the class, and things might turn out in the following manner: ''Damn you, Taito, don't get too full of yourself, a happy soul like you should eat this'', and after being told that, his desk would be stuffed full with flaky yakisoba bread, and even if he yelled back ''you guys, isn't this bullying, isn't this called bullying?'', it would be followed by ''there's a new law just passed yesterday that says we can do anything to a happy soul, you know!''. There was a possibility of such incomprehensible stuff being told to him, thereby igniting a troubling, fun high school life.


And thanks for the pointers.
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Re: 『いつか天魔の黒ウサギ』の翻訳の研究

Post by Doraneko »

larethian wrote:I honestly don't know how I can miss that...... and it's from Taito's perspective, so it's actually shouted by Taito; the bread is stuffed into Taito's desk; the guys won't bully Haruka.
I haven't read the story, so I presumed Taito and Haruka being the same person (Taito as the surname and Haruka as the given name), with the "遙は" at the beginning setting the subject of the whole paragraph. The paragraph does sound off with the Haruka-being-popular line, but I just assumed that it was a sarcastic remark.

So I totally failed too. 8)
larethian wrote:So I failed? I was totally spent tha day after a weekend conference :oops:
lol don't take it too seriously. Both of us failed, and it is no good to have a test that fails everyone :lol:. At the very least your revised version looks perfect.

It is still an interesting translation exercise. Or if I become a Japanese teacher one day I will make it an insert-the-punctuation-marks exercise and distribute it to my students. :)
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Re: 『いつか天魔の黒ウサギ』の翻訳の研究

Post by YoakeNoHikari »

Oh...

So, I was slightly more correct than I thought. I thought that the bread was inside the desk too, but I wasn't sure.

Thanks again!
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Re: 『いつか天魔の黒ウサギ』の翻訳の研究

Post by larethian »

I copied the whole chunk for context purposes; Taito was caught in an awkward situation between Haruna and Himea.

Taito's POV:
中学のころに想像してた高校生活とはこれ、あきらかにだいぶ違うなあとか、思う。ってか、なにこの展開。ハーレムとか、そういうやつ?ほら、漫画とかでよくあるじゃん?萌えやらラブコメやらで、平凡な男の子がかわいい女の子に囲まれてハーレムとか、そういうやつ、あるじゃん?で、女の子同士が「〇〇くんは私のものなんだからね!」とか言いあいして自分を取りあって、もうまいっちゃうなあうヘへ~とか、そういうのマガジソにもジャンプにも一本ぐらいは連載されてて読んだことはあったけど。


Can someone verify the bold red part == まいった (as in "giving up" in the sense of "resigning to one's fate") Thanks in advance.
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Re: 『いつか天魔の黒ウサギ』の翻訳の研究

Post by Doraneko »

larethian wrote:Can someone verify the bold red part == まいった (as in "giving up" in the sense of "resigning to one's fate") Thanks in advance.
It does sound to be so. At least in the quoted text I can't see any other possible meaning.
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Re: 『いつか天魔の黒ウサギ』の翻訳の研究

Post by EusthEnoptEron »

Just try to catch that "It's not easy to be so popular muhahaha!" nuance, which at least I am getting. :D
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Re: 『いつか天魔の黒ウサギ』の翻訳の研究

Post by larethian »

EusthEnoptEron wrote:Just try to catch that "It's not easy to be so popular muhahaha!" nuance, which at least I am getting. :D
haha, maybe but not necessary? which harem protagonist behaves that arrogantly? LOL. especially given that they are 平凡な男の子. I think it's more like they don't want that to happen but "geez, I don't know what to do with them anymore" kind of feeling right?
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Re: 『いつか天魔の黒ウサギ』の翻訳の研究

Post by Ryu »

I'm siding with Eust on this one. I'm getting "I'm just so popular that I don't know what to do~" vibes from that. Probably because of the ending part うへへ~ which sounds like a laugh to me.
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Re: 『いつか天魔の黒ウサギ』の翻訳の研究

Post by larethian »

I'm taking that into consideration but I also read "うへへ" laugh more like this --> (^w^)". remember Riko from To-Love-Ru? Even though he goes "Ahaha" rather than "Uhehe". Anyway I don't watch and read many Jump harems, so that's the only one I can think of for now.
I just find the "I'm just so popular that I don't know what to do~" behavior contradicting the "ordinary guy" chara of such types of manga.
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Re: 『いつか天魔の黒ウサギ』の翻訳の研究

Post by Ryu »

Well, it sounds like he's trying to make fun of such character archetype. Anyway, there are many type of main character for harem genre, like the cool and quiet type,the cool, manly and flirtatious type, the kind and lively type, the idiot but kind type, etcetc :lol:
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Re: 『いつか天魔の黒ウサギ』の翻訳の研究

Post by larethian »

I'm a little confused as to how お‐そろい(御×揃い) is used with this particular meaning/definition:

1 二人以上の人が連れ立っていることを敬っていう語。「皆さん―でおいでください」

I don't remember much of my keigo except the basic ones but is this part of keigo?

sentence in the novel:
"みんな綺麗どころがお揃いでどうしました?"

Selju is talking while a bunch of girls were fanning over him and his brother (who seems pissed off); he is either talking to his brother beside him or to the girls;
Correct me if I'm wrong but I presume it's the former? my guess is something like:
"What happen to presenting our beautiful side (as a mark of respect) to everyone?"
OR is he actually talking to the girls and praising their beauty?


Thanks in advance.
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Re: 『いつか天魔の黒ウサギ』の翻訳の研究

Post by Doraneko »

"みんな綺麗どころがお揃いでどうしました?"
綺麗どころ is a specific term for beautiful ladies, usually but not necessarily in Japanese traditional outfit.

To make it mean "beautiful side", strictly speaking you need an extra な between 綺麗 and 所.
<広辞苑>
きれい‐どころ【綺麗所】
美しく着飾った女性たち。特に、花柳界の芸妓たちを指していう語。きれいどこ。
More than often, 綺麗どころ is used with words like 集結 or 満載. お揃い functions in a similar manner.

綺麗どころ勢揃い! :mrgreen:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TbV8vJ4oVLk


In regard to keigo, if the line was a full-fledged 尊敬語, it would have used "皆様", "お集まりになりまして" and "如何なさいましたでしょうか" instead of 皆, "お揃い" and "どうしました". The simple ます/ました-form is in itself a lower level of keigo called 丁寧語. But the "respectfulness" is limited, being at a hierarchy much lower than 尊敬語.

If anything, light novels have a tendency of using 尊敬語 and 丁寧語 in a sarcastic manner. This is especially true if a character do not use keigo liberally in daily conversations but suddenly started using it against another specific character.

The line certainly gives such a vibe, but I cannot say for sure without reading the whole scene as well as having some idea of the personality of the characters.

My take on the sentence is somewhere along the line of:
"My beautiful ladies, why are you assembling here?" (liberal)
"Beautiful ladies, what's the matter for you to gather here as a group?" (literal)
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Re: 『いつか天魔の黒ウサギ』の翻訳の研究

Post by larethian »

orrh, just what I'd expect from Doranyako-sama, a very detailed and complete answer, thanks :D

so お揃い is part of keigo? it's referring to "assembling"?

P.S: sarcasm NOT intended.
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