Generic Translated Content, Feedback Appreciated
Moderators: Fringe Security Bureau, Senior Editors, Senior Translators, Alt. Language Translator/Editor, Executive Council, Project Translators, Project Editors
- larethian
- I.D.S.E Humanoid Interface [LSB]
- Posts: 2191
- Joined: Tue Aug 31, 2010 10:50 pm
- Favourite Light Novel:
Generic Translated Content, Feedback Appreciated
For first timers who are not too confident of their translations and want some checking before working on the wiki or for people to do tests for potential translators.
Please post material in spoiler tags, and indicate title, volume, page.
From Teh_ping: Note that any comments that are not beneficial to these prospects will be automatically deleted without warning, thank you. Constructive criticism is much appreciated. (Not directed at Lare here, in case anyone's asking)
Please post material in spoiler tags, and indicate title, volume, page.
From Teh_ping: Note that any comments that are not beneficial to these prospects will be automatically deleted without warning, thank you. Constructive criticism is much appreciated. (Not directed at Lare here, in case anyone's asking)
- Hazue
- Mikuru's Master
- Posts: 24
- Joined: Thu Nov 03, 2011 8:38 am
- Favourite Light Novel:
Re: Generic Thread for Translated Content
mahouka koukou no rettousei, vol 1, part 2, page 58 & 59
i took 1 hour in quick translating 2 pages(which the translated sentences often don't make sense in english), took more than 2 hour to rearrange the sentence in order to make sure it could makes sense in english.
"たがが外れ" took me the longest time, but in the end i couldn't find a more appropriate word.
sensei, please rate. and help me correct it so i could know my mistake and learn from it.
sankyu.
Spoiler! :
"たがが外れ" took me the longest time, but in the end i couldn't find a more appropriate word.
sensei, please rate. and help me correct it so i could know my mistake and learn from it.
sankyu.
Currently addicted to Acchi Kocchi's manga translation. Sorry BT, for not translating the novel I had registered
- Teh_ping
- Editor-in-Assistance
- Posts: 1729
- Joined: Thu Sep 17, 2009 10:32 pm
- Favourite Light Novel: Ahouka!
- Location: Magdala
Re: Generic Thread for Translated Content
Hazue wrote:mahouka koukou no rettousei, vol 1, part 2, page 58 & 59
Spoiler! :
i took 1 hour in quick translating 2 pages(which the translated sentences often don't make sense in english), took more than 2 hour to rearrange the sentence in order to make sure it could makes sense in english.
"たがが外れ" took me the longest time, but in the end i couldn't find a more appropriate word.
sensei, please rate. and help me correct it so i could know my mistake and learn from it.
sankyu.
Keeping it to past tense since it was inconsistent. Keep practising.
Was it first person or third person? I'll keep it to third person since I haven't read the novel.
- YoakeNoHikari
- Project Translator
- Posts: 1367
- Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2011 12:39 pm
- Favourite Light Novel: Ahouka!
- Location: この混乱の街並みの中でも、この2人は独自の世界を展開・・・
Re: Generic Thread for Translated Content
Not everyone has the raws on hand (not everyone being me), so could you transcribe the relevant parts?
Well, if it's two pages, I suppose you can just wait for someone who does have the raws. Sorry I couldn't help.
Well, if it's two pages, I suppose you can just wait for someone who does have the raws. Sorry I couldn't help.
Even eternity can be encased in ice.
- larethian
- I.D.S.E Humanoid Interface [LSB]
- Posts: 2191
- Joined: Tue Aug 31, 2010 10:50 pm
- Favourite Light Novel:
Re: Generic Thread for Translated Content
Like Teh_Ping said, tenses and also, I'd prefer if you don't quick translate and spend time working on the English for this work, because this novel has pretty good literary style, and I'd prefer it didn't get destroyed in the translation process (I'm far from perfect in English either, but it'd nice if you can keep the quality of descriptions). I'd actually put translating this as hard as CSR/Shana (don't take my word for it since I've forgotten the sentence patterns in CSR and Shana), not because of the Japanese less terminology, but because of the relatively detailed and flowery descriptions which requires a good arsenal of English vocab and some skill in rendering long descriptions in English. Another point to note is that these 2 pages happen to fall under the easier bracket for the novel. Luckily, you didn't start with chapter 1 since I already started working on it I don't have time to fix everything, so I'll just use comments demarcated by /* */.Hazue wrote:mahouka koukou no rettousei, vol 1, part 2, page 58 & 59
i took 1 hour in quick translating 2 pages(which the translated sentences often don't make sense in english), took more than 2 hour to rearrange the sentence in order to make sure it could makes sense in english.Spoiler! :
"たがが外れ" took me the longest time, but in the end i couldn't find a more appropriate word.
sensei, please rate. and help me correct it so i could know my mistake and learn from it.
sankyu.
Spoiler! :
And the master has a gender, it's good to read ahead what you're translating
@Teh_Ping this novel is done in third person narration.
-
- Kyon's Imouto-Chan
- Posts: 454
- Joined: Mon Feb 28, 2011 11:35 pm
- Favourite Light Novel: Ahouka!
Re: Generic Thread for Translated Content
About this thread, I was actually thinking this might do better as a thread about checking/proofing translations, not about editing english... that can be left to the editor of the specific series can't it? So if you don't have the raws, then it doesn't make much sense for you to edit it.
That said, I guess I'll leave it up to larethian to decide what this thread should do... delete this post if anyone wants to.
That said, I guess I'll leave it up to larethian to decide what this thread should do... delete this post if anyone wants to.
- larethian
- I.D.S.E Humanoid Interface [LSB]
- Posts: 2191
- Joined: Tue Aug 31, 2010 10:50 pm
- Favourite Light Novel:
Re: Generic Thread for Translated Content
Disagree, English is an integral part of translation, there's a limit to what editors can do if they don't know what the translator is trying to translate. Hazue's translations warrant our comments on his English.jonathanasdf wrote:About this thread, I was actually thinking this might do better as a thread about checking/proofing translations, not about editing english... that can be left to the editor of the specific series can't it? So if you don't have the raws, then it doesn't make much sense for you to edit it.
That said, I guess I'll leave it up to larethian to decide what this thread should do... delete this post if anyone wants to.
- Doraneko
- Project Translator
- Posts: 831
- Joined: Sun Apr 17, 2011 8:38 am
- Favourite Light Novel: Ahouka!
- Location: \アッカリーン/
- Contact:
Re: Generic Thread for Translated Content
For those who are interested, here is the original text from the web novel. The published version may be slightly different.
@Hazue: if you intend to focus on this series for your practice and hope to receive more comments, it may be helpful to include also the relevant parts from the web novel. Not everyone here has a copy of the book.
Spoiler! :
My light novel review blog: ラノなの!@ novel.co.nr
-
- Kyon's Imouto-Chan
- Posts: 454
- Joined: Mon Feb 28, 2011 11:35 pm
- Favourite Light Novel: Ahouka!
Re: Generic Thread for Translated Content
Good point, I guess I put it the wrong way. What I really meant to say was that like... teh_ping's edits above was pretty much exactly like what an editor could do, because he said he didn't have the raws, so those probably don't suit the idea of this thread as much?larethian wrote: Disagree, English is an integral part of translation, there's a limit to what editors can do if they don't know what the translator is trying to translate. Hazue's translations warrant our comments on his English.
Though if what is done in the future is that the section is transcribed as well like what Doraneko has done, then it's fine.
Anyways, just 1 thing:
Spoiler! :
- YoakeNoHikari
- Project Translator
- Posts: 1367
- Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2011 12:39 pm
- Favourite Light Novel: Ahouka!
- Location: この混乱の街並みの中でも、この2人は独自の世界を展開・・・
Re: Generic Thread for Translated Content
Hazue wrote:"oni-sama, i was actually planning to go with you....."
Just nitpicking on the first thing I laid my eyes upon.「お兄様、今朝はわたしもご一緒させていただこうかと思っているのですが……」
LIke Larethian said, when the prose is like this, it's usually a good idea to reflect it in the translation. Your translation is completely fine in meaning, but when such a line is said with this degree of politesse:
"Onii-sama, I was thinking that you would let me accompany you this morning..."
Would fit more readily along the lines of ご一緒させていただこう I think.
Once again, nitpicking. And I just picked a random line.
Even eternity can be encased in ice.
-
- Kyon's Imouto-Chan
- Posts: 454
- Joined: Mon Feb 28, 2011 11:35 pm
- Favourite Light Novel: Ahouka!
Re: Generic Thread for Translated Content
And just some nitpicking on that nitpicking. At least from how I interpret the flow, it's more like 「お兄様、今朝はわたしもご一緒させていただこうかと思っているのですが……」 so it's more like she's thinking about a question so rather than "thinking" I think "wondering" would fit better. Something like: "Onii-sama, I was wondering whether you would allow me to accompany you this morning......"
Something short that I need help with... from Date A Live vol1 prologue
Something short that I need help with... from Date A Live vol1 prologue
Spoiler! :
- YoakeNoHikari
- Project Translator
- Posts: 1367
- Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2011 12:39 pm
- Favourite Light Novel: Ahouka!
- Location: この混乱の街並みの中でも、この2人は独自の世界を展開・・・
Re: Generic Thread for Translated Content
Yep, you're completely right. However, I feel like nitpicking on that some more, but if we continued to nitpick over each others' translations, it'd become a matter of opinion, so is there really a need to reduce something past its base essence?"Onii-sama, I was wondering whether you would allow me to accompany you this morning......?"
Allow me to nitpick.嘆息に、微かな声が混じって消える。
The faint sigh dissolves in the air.
The faint sigh doesn't dissolve in the air; the faint voice is intermingled with the sigh, which then disappears. And, in terms of pure aesthetics: "Her faint voice lingered within her sigh, and it faded into nothingness."
Is there an adjectival form of 'reality'?
Even eternity can be encased in ice.
-
- Kyon's Imouto-Chan
- Posts: 454
- Joined: Mon Feb 28, 2011 11:35 pm
- Favourite Light Novel: Ahouka!
Re: Generic Thread for Translated Content
Let's leave it at that then.Yep, you're completely right. However, I feel like nitpicking on that some more, but if we continued to nitpick over each others' translations, it'd become a matter of opinion, so is there really a need to reduce something past its base essence?
Yeah, I didn't really quite understand that, because if you say that a sigh is the sound, then there is no voice other than the sigh to intermingle with it; but if a sigh is like a word, and the voice is the sound, then again you can't mix them. So saying that his sigh mixes with his voice, it just doesn't make any sense to me lol. By the way, I'm pretty sure that the sound was made by the guy who saw the girl. But of course you couldn't tell that from the snippet I posted so my bad.The faint sigh doesn't dissolve in the air; the faint voice is intermingled with the sigh, which then disappears.
But I think the final interpretation you posted about the voice lingering within the sigh, that seems great to me, since it's not like a mixing of any sort so you don't need 2 distinct sources.
Edit: I settled on "Enveloped by his faint voice, the sigh slowly faded away.", but suggestions on how to make it better is always welcome.
and... realistic?
Last edited by jonathanasdf on Mon Nov 21, 2011 2:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.
- YoakeNoHikari
- Project Translator
- Posts: 1367
- Joined: Sat Mar 26, 2011 12:39 pm
- Favourite Light Novel: Ahouka!
- Location: この混乱の街並みの中でも、この2人は独自の世界を展開・・・
Re: Generic Thread for Translated Content
Ehh...Doesn't really have the same degree of meaning as what I'm searching for.and... realistic?
Realistic would mean 'like reality', but it still gives off this feeling that it's fake. I'm looking for an adjective which can be appended to 'World' and definitively declare that the world is reality.
I really don't want to use World of Reality.
Also, how does js06 maintain enough concentration to do 30kb in a day regularly? Does he give up his free time, or does he just translate 30kb/hour?
If only I had that sort of dedication; I spent the entire past week playing Baldr Sky's fandisc, (and I've still yet to finish.)
Even eternity can be encased in ice.
-
- Kyon's Imouto-Chan
- Posts: 454
- Joined: Mon Feb 28, 2011 11:35 pm
- Favourite Light Novel: Ahouka!
Re: Generic Thread for Translated Content
Trying to come up with the word you want without having a context is hard indeed. Anyways, wouldn't "real world" work?