OLN: Yuugare Contract

[Arcsol93]

Yuugare Contract-(Twilight Contract.)

I can only put down the synopsis for now since I'm still ironing a few things out. My first time putting one down so hopefully I don't mess it up lol. Also still deciding whether for the title it should be Yuugare Contract or Yuugare Keiyaku, both sound good so maybe I'll just let the readers decide XD.

Subjects: Fantasy, dark fantasy, historical fiction, supernatural, drama, romance, mature (Farther on in the story anyway.)

There will be a bit of gore and death as the story progresses, so if that isn't your thing I suggest finding a lighter story.

Synopsis: One of the many questions of the world that has been frequently asked. Where does the soul go once someone dies? Is there life after death? What does the other side look like?...

Though has one ever wondered what happens to a soul tainted in darkness? The soul of a criminal? One person finds out first hand when he awakens on the other side, a young man named Kaiden, when he meets a mysterious girl who refers to herself as Roka and tells him he has been branded with the mark of one who has violated one of the greater taboos. The mark of a murderer.

Only problem is...he has never committed a single crime during his time alive. Together they try to unravel why he was sent there and how to clear his name before his soul is erased completely.

[Calculatrix]

Hahahahahaahahahahahahahahaha.......sounds a lot better now that I've read the summary. Sounds really interesting, and I can't wait to read the first chapter.

[Arcsol93]

Hahahahahaahahahahahahahahaha.......sounds a lot better now that I've read the summary. Sounds really interesting, and I can't wait to read the first chapter.

Didn't want to use the english word for it since it reminds me of a certain stupid book series every time I see it, so I made a compromise :p The title itself will make more sense after the first chapter

[mania_]

Now that sure sounds like something I'd enjoy reading. I'm looking forward to it

[Arcsol93]

Decided to make a prologue for it, it's pretty short but its to the point. Chapter one will still set up the actual setting and some of the plot elements.

Prologue:

Spoiler! :

The world has always been full of mysteries:

"Does the afterlife exist? What does it look like? What will happen when we go there?"

A pointless question that will only be answered in death, never to be solved in the world of life.

Then there are few who are curious to the beings who have since remained invisible through life:

"Do spirits exist? Do demons exist? What about God(s) and the devil? Do they exist?"

Again a question that will never be solved in the world of life. For if they see it first hand their psyche will break and their soul will be devoured.

...Though there are some questions that are better left unasked. Questions that would put a person in way over their head:

"What happens to the soul of a murderer? Do they go to purgatory? Hell? Limbo? Do they suffer through some sort of punishment? Or do they just disappear from existence once they die?"

What does happen to that soul? One that has been twisted and dyed black from the blood spilt from their victims.

It is from the base of this very question the secrets of the world come together, secrets that are better off staying unknown.

For if they are ever discovered and misused life itself would come unraveled. For the world would do more than just end, it would become an abomination. Something that will warp reality itself.

Two young adults have been sent to discover these secrets. They won't be the first to learn of them but they will be the last.

For they won't destroy reality...but fix it. Only they can place reality back on the right path and save everything.

Kaiden and Roka: a murderer and a warden. A murderer who was falsely accused of a crime he never committed, and a girl who's life has been full of secrets and betrayals.

They must learn to work together, to see past their flaws and their old lives to overcome the heavy burden that has been placed on them.

...I can only hope when this has all come to an end they can find it within them to forgive me. Forgive the bloodstained sins I've committed and placed on them.

Contracts, demons, spirits, murders, suicide, tragedy, bloodshed...hope, passion, self-sacrifice, bravery, and love. The story of their trials and tribulations begins.

[JeonshinWeed]

Sounds interesting

[Arcsol93]

Chapter 1 now on page 3.

[BitterSugar]

Some misused words and missing commas. Small grammar mistakes. But other than that, I must agree you did well in writing it in a light novel style. I'm also really interested in the plot. Please continue your story.

[Arcsol93]

Put in Bittersugar's edit of the first chapter, and they are kind enough to offer their help with editing future chapters now so expect the quality to be a bit better lol.

Chapter 2 may be put up tonight depending on when I start and how motivated I am (I am actually pretty excited about this story for some reason, so take that as a good sign.)

[Arcsol93]

Here is a headshot I got from my friend of Kaiden and Roka. I'm thinking (Or at least I was told.) tomorrow there should be some colored full bodies of them up. I'll be posting more concept art of the characters as time goes on, if anything if I can convince her some actual illustrations of some scenes as well.

Spoiler! :

EDIT: I never learn from the first time...fixed version is up

[Calculatrix]

I thought I already read the first chapter, but I guess my brain was doing some weird shit and I actually didn't.

Well, considering my opinion on the first chapter, it's safe to say that I am eagerly waiting for the next one. I really like the story thus far. Keep it up:D.

Also, the illustrations look nice.

[Arcsol93]

Chapter 2 is done and edited, kept it short and simple overall. There might be a slight slow down for chapters at one point as I'm still cementing certain parts of the plot to make sure that it fits and doesn't derail the story itself.

Anyway opinions are valued greatly, otherwise I won't be able to grow as a writer. Bitter stated a certain quality to my style that needs to change and I never noticed until they told me lol. So it does help when people point it out. Hope you enjoy it.

Spoiler! :

Yuugare Contract chapter 2

"Ugh, the headache... another nightmare, huh? Although... that girl, she was pretty cute save the death part."

Yawning, Kaiden stretched his arms widely in the air. When he turned his head, he was greeted by a fox mask.

"Agh! Y-You! How are you here? That was all just a nightmare, wasn't it?!"

Another figure stirred under the sheets, letting out a loud yawn as she crawled on top of him and pulled her mask to the side.

"What's the matter, Kaiden? So enchanted by my beauty that it sent shivers down your spine?"

The girl with a light purple hair giggled as she wrapped her arms around Kaiden's neck.

"None of it was a dream, you know? You're dead - in a realm of atonement for murderers at that."

She gave a cruel smile as she licked at his neck, pressing her naked body closer to his.

"G-Give me one reason why I should believe that load of bull... there's a realm for murderers? Well, I'm certain I'm not there as I've never killed anyone in my life."

"And yet here you are, giving the oldest story in the book. With the brand of the taboo breaker, no less. I never expected you to be such a poor liar."

Roka pointed to his hand, her smile resilient to fade. Sure enough, there was a skull with horns glowing in a crimson color.

"So what did you actually do to end up here? Everyone that comes here has a different story of some sort."

She cupped his face in her hands, closing in the gap between their faces which was already meager.

"I'm telling you it's a mistake, and as far as I know, that's just a wash off tattoo you put on me in my sleep or something."

"Don't be coy with me. The system is never wrong with these things; if you're here, then you killed someone."

Kaiden never had a chance to voice his objections any further as the girl suddenly pressed her lips against his own without warning or a moment of hesitation. The kiss itself lasted for a moment before she finally pulled away.

"Hmm, how strange..."

Roka rose to her knees as she pressed her finger to her lips while Kaiden sank down into the bed listlessly. His cheeks were burning red from the embarrassment.

"What's strange? You just abruptly kissing me like that or you using your tongue while doing so? Because I can't make sense of it myself right now."

"The contract between the murderer and the warden should have formed during that kiss, but it didn't... Hey, where are you going?"

Kaiden dug through his wardrobe, only to be irritated when he saw all the clothes were exactly the same, except the scarf which was absent.

Resigning to this fact, he put on a new change of clothes and walked towards the door to leave.

"Outside to the normal world; you know - where things actually make sense? Later, dream girl."

"You'll never last five minutes out there, you know. They'll eat you whole without me."

The girl smiled again while hugging her knees, watching the young man leave the room.

"Of all of the people I've met while being here, he has to be the most interesting one. Let's see how this all plays out, shall we?"

Roka giggled to herself, giving her finger a lick in a seductive manner.

*The boy who denies his crimes and rejects the contract... just who are you, hmmm?*


--------------------


"Man, I just don't get her. She's cute as hell but talk about whiplash... first, she kills me then she kisses me... not that I'm complaining about the kiss."

Kaiden grumbled and slouched through a mall with nothing to greet him but the bright orange sky hanging overhead.

"Was that nightmare actually real? Did I really die? More importantly-"

He looked down at his hand, staring at the tattoo which glowed brightly.

"Now, if I ever did consider all of this real... how do I clear my name?"

"You don't. You fight until your soul is erased completely."

Roka said as she walked out from a store beside him, spinning her mask by it's string.

"Get around fast, don't you? What do you mean by erased?"

"Exactly as it implies."

She paused, sliding her mask over her face before leaning on Kaiden's back.

"Your soul will cease to be; it won't be reincarnated...it will be erased from existence completely."

Kaiden was unfazed by the girl's sneering remark. He gazed into the mask coldly.

"And is there any way to prevent this? I'd rather find a way that benefits me more, you know, considering I never did anything wrong."

"I'd be willing to tell you a way. That is, if you accept things as they are and quit being in denial... also, a piggyback ride as well. Walking so far is hard on my feet."

Kaiden gave the girl a cocky smile as Roka pulled her mask to the side.

"You drive a hard bargain... but considering it's either that or being erased, I think you have yourself a deal."

He lowered himself down to the ground, letting her hop on to his back before walking further into the mall.

"Glad we could come to an understanding, Kaiden... and if you say anything about my weight, I won't hesitate to bite off your ear."

"...Oh, why don't you just rip my heart out. Being polite is like kicking a dog - it kills me in the inside."

-------

After walking a distance and having a discussion, they settled down in a little cafe to rest.

"You know, I would have never thought you were one who liked tea for someone so... you."

"I'll take that as a compliment considering it's coming from a dream girl with a lust for blood."

"Now, now, that's not entirely true...the only thing I lust for is you and your blood."

"...you make it really hard for me to hate you. You know that right?"

Kaiden stared with eyes half open at Roka as she placed a cup down in front of him, giggling softly.

"Isn't that what young love is about? The ups and downs of the relationship?"

Clearing his throat, he changed the topic. "A-Anyway...so basically, we need to find this girl you call 'princess' who runs the system right?"

"Yes, that's right. If you really are innocent she would know why you're here. But there are three conditions we need to watch out for."

She reached over the table, taking a sip from Kaiden's cup.

"First, if you lose all your memories and the light fades from your brand, you'll be erased. Second, if you get devoured by a demon your soul will be erased. Third, if your skull ornament is destroyed you will be erased."

"...So you're saying I'm screwed if we don't find her. What a system you have here."

"Don't get me wrong, that's the rules for anyone in this realm, my mask is my tether. And the object itself has to be completely obliterated. If there's even a sliver left it will regenerate."

He began to laugh uncontrollably at what he was told, showing a twisted smile.

"I like this kind of challenge. If that's what it takes I'll show the twisted bastards how flawed their precious system is."

"Fufufu, I like your spunk... but let's just see how your mettle lasts through a little test."

Roka rose from her seat. Following suit, a glowing rune circle formed beneath the two of them after she snapped her fingers.

Light flowed and obscured Kaiden's vision for a moment - when it cleared, he found the mall suddenly full of people despite it had been empty just a few seconds ago.

"W-Wha-"

"We are in a plane of existence where both realms are merged. This only occurs when-"

But Roka was cut off as Kaiden was sent flying through the store from a invisible force.

"This only occurs when a demon is in the area. Killing it will be your test."

Roka covered her mouth to stifle a giggle at the sight of the young man bent over a clothing rack.

"You could have warned me earlier, dammit! Let's see you get punched in the gut like that!"

Kaiden yelled as he coughed up a considerable amount of blood, struggling to get back up on his feet.

"So how do we beat something we can even see?"

"It's because the contract wasn't formed, the abilities between us are halved and we are unable to see it... I'll give you a little hint to help you though: What exists in the world of life doesn't exist in the afterlife, what exists in the afterlife doesn't in the world of life... try not to be devoured now."

[caparo]

Looks good so far. In my opinion, there was nothing noteworthy to complain about. The simple, light-novel style is easy to read (a welcome change from the overly verbose novels I've been reading recently), although certain parts could be fleshed out more (not a big deal though as my imagination could fill the gaps in the descriptions).

A rant:

Spoiler! :

But I don't understand the whole contract-via-kiss theme. I know that it had been used in anime and light novels as a convenient device for the protagonist to be able to kiss cute girls, but it seems artificial and contrived. If such contracts are formed via kissing, what happens if a contract needs to be formed between two boys? or two girls? Assuming that they are not homosexual, I doubt that they would be willing to form a contract in such a way.

It was implied that Roka had kissed many people as Kaidan was the only one who didn't form a contract after a kiss. So, that means she had kissed a lot of other people. That kinda ruins the appeal of the being-kissed-by-a-cute-girl scene.

[Arcsol93]

Looks good so far. In my opinion, there was nothing noteworthy to complain about. The simple, light-novel style is easy to read (a welcome change from the overly verbose novels I've been reading recently), although certain parts could be fleshed out more (not a big deal though as my imagination could fill the gaps in the descriptions).

A rant:

Spoiler! :

But I don't understand the whole contract-via-kiss theme. I know that it had been used in anime and light novels as a convenient device for the protagonist to be able to kiss cute girls, but it seems artificial and contrived. If such contracts are formed via kissing, what happens if a contract needs to be formed between two boys? or two girls? Assuming that they are not homosexual, I doubt that they would be willing to form a contract in such a way.

It was implied that Roka had kissed many people as Kaidan was the only one who didn't form a contract after a kiss. So, that means she had kissed a lot of other people. That kinda ruins the appeal of the being-kissed-by-a-cute-girl scene.

Hmm how to explain this without giving away any significant spoilers...*Taps chin*

...Ok for the first part: try thinking about it in this direction from this quote- “Ancient lovers believed a kiss would literally unite their souls, because the spirit was said to be carried in one's breath.”

And then apply it to Kaiden and Roka, and why it failed in the end. There are many possibilities you can come up with as to why it failed and how contracting works, either from that outcome or from another altogether.

In the end it isn't something completely superficial like some of the other anime or Light Novels, there is meaning around it. I just haven't revealed it yet, nor will I give any spoilers on the concept of the twilight contract, for now that will be left to the mind of the reader as the story goes on.

Second part of that first paragraph now: Now in a just anime/light novel world something would be contrived where it was always a female and male pair...that's not the case in this story, I'm not trying to make it something generic or cliche, this is from a more realistic standpoint. Fate wouldn't have such a large coincidence constantly exist, therefore there are same gender teams in this story.

However I have yet to decide whether or not to delve into the other teams relationships, if it overshadows the plot then I will leave it up to the mind of the reader on if they are void of contract like Kaiden and Roka or if they completed it. How to create a contract has already been established and is enough thought to give for the reader on the other characters.

Final paragraph: It was implied she kissed others yes, but at the same time it wasn't implied either that she kissed anyone else, think on that what you will. All I worded it as is she "met" others, not that they were people she was contracted with, consider it one of her mysteries that hangs around her. All the readers as a whole has a right to think either or, it will be revealed in due time.

I was kind of hoping someone would voice their opinions on the contract so I could elaborate on it more, you brought up some very good points. Hopefully this will explain that in a greater detail, and there are some parts of the story I intentionally left blank so it leaves something for them to think about. I wouldn't be much of a writer if I always kept it straightforward XD.
Thanks for those opinions.

[Calculatrix]

Looking really good so far, I'm liking it:D. Also, I found a little typo:

"Yes, that's right. If you really are innocent she would know why you're here. But there three conditions we need to watch out for."
.........................................................................................right here^

Should be: "But there are three...."

Maybe another word could be substituted there, but that's just what sounds correct to me.


--Waiting for the next chapter.