I was wondering what kind of liberty is available to editing. I'm reading the 4th volume of Seikai no Senki and pretty much found the flow very difficult to continue with as it is awkward in a number of places. Also checking the logs and talk, it seems like this project has pretty much stalled and so I'm hoping to get some more interest in it so it can be finished up. Unfortunately I don't have the original Chinese text with me (the Japanese text would be useless to me for various reasons). Two days ago I finished the three volumes of Seikai no Monshou so its fresh in my mind and I've been trying to match the style from the books as much as possible.
I guess my question is how much freedom in editing/cleanup is allowed? I've only done the first few paragraphs of chapter 1, but I guess the best way to explain is to give an example:
This is the original text:
This is as far as I've edited: