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Tada, Sore Dake de Yokattan Desu:Epilogue

2019-04-22T04:18:03Z

SighingSlider: /* Epilogue: At the End of the World */

==Epilogue: At the End of the World==

“Because you hope for others to listen, don’t you?” Sayo’s voice came.

Until she said this, I never noticed myself muttering at all, and it seems I blurted it out subconsciously. This is really embarrassing. I hastily cover my mouth. Before I know it, I have an embarrassing habit of ‘telling a story’, and this is to allow me to merge into this world that’s hard to survive in, given how I have difficulties getting along with society.

Right by me, Sayo smiles at me.

I don’t like that understanding look at all, but unfortunately, I don’t have the strength to fight back.

“Takkun, there’s no way you can be trash. You love humanity too much for that.”

Sayo says,

“In the end, you couldn’t kill anyone. What’s with that knife wielding? Even without moving, you wouldn’t be able to aim properly.”

“…”

“Didn’t I tell you already? To rely a bit more on me? Hey, tell me more about your story.”

“Why…?”

I always wanted to ask her this,

“Are you standing on my side, Sayo?”

She has been encouraging me, helping me, got me to meet Sanae. She had been on my side the entire time.

“Because I had been cheering you on.” She shows a teasing smile, “My name’s Sayo Fujimoto. I was abandoned by my real parents, and my uncle, the Principal, single-handedly raised me.”

My family secret’s so secretive, not even Sanae knows about it, Sayo chimed in.

At that moment, I realized why she was so secretive.

She was raised by that Principal who was so passionate about education, and surely she was extremely outstanding, able to fish out news from her uncle, and greatly benefited Sanae in her research.

And she’s Sou’s niece.

At this point, she starts to say,

“I heard from my uncle of a certain middle school boy’s family background and thoughts, the brave boy who didn’t want to admit anything to anyone and continue to live on strong. Thus, I have been cheering him on the entire time, you know? I didn’t expect him to be the boy crying at the food court.”

“How’s that brave?”

“I told you not to mock yourself now. I feel somewhat similar to you, since I was coldly abandoned by my own parents. I heard how to dared to face this world greatly, and was encouraged by it. Even now, I’m endeared by your efforts.”

Just as she was on the bridge, Sayo embraces me, but with more tenderness, and says to me,

“This world isn’t filled with as much despair as you think, Takkun. I love you, so don’t say that you’re trash again.”

Within her embrace, I can’t move a finger. My body weakens, lost with regards to everything. I never had such an experience in my life before, but for some strange reason, it seemed nostalgic.

Something seems to be breaking away in my heart.

I want to yell, but there’s a strange feeling, and I can’t voice out.

All my memories, starting from my childhood, start to scatter in my mind like firecrackers.

I was ignored by my parents, kicked around at any given moment, and slept outside every night, shivering. Nobody taught me how to bathe, and nobody bought decent clothes for me. During elementary school, nobody was willing to approach me. Whenever I cried, “we shouldn’t have given birth to you.” I was always told. When serious, “I’m trash.” I was forced to sit before the mirror and mutter that. Once I was ten, all the housework was shoved onto me, and as long as I did something wrong, I would be thoroughly beaten up. So many times did I want to kill myself, and I earnestly wanted to vanish from this world.

''“Don’t just disappear man. There are still people on this world who want to know you.”''

A certain boy seemed to have read through my thoughts when he said this to me,

“…Don’t do this.” I say, “Why love someone like me…such consolation is completely meaningless.”

“Really?”

“Yeah!”

From within my heart, I growl, wanting to erase such pointless hope.

But because I obtained Sayo’s love, I had an impossible delusion pass through my mind, so much which it’s not self-loathing.

What replaces it is a foolish possibility in my mind.

Masaya’s final will was overly cruel, ''”Taku Sugawara is the devil”'', those were the words written, and no doubt it would raise a sense of justice to everyone in the world. However, was Masaya really the type not to admit his own mistakes, someone who would unreasonably determine others to be guilty? No, that genius’ not that stupid as a human.

The message Masaya left for me was weird. ''‘Traitor’''—it sounded like I was the one who broke the promise, Masaya abided by it, right? Or it meant that only Masaya didn’t betray the ‘TakuMasa Alliance’ formed from twisted families.

Only one answer alone can solve these two mysteries.

That Masaya destroyed my family utterly, releasing me from my parents.

Such a stupid delusion lingers in my mind. How is this possible!?

“Also, this isn’t the redemption I ask for…what I want is a different ending…”

In my memories, where I was never loved by my parents, my inner wishes become my life support. In the classroom, I spent days with no interaction with anyone, and my wish became purer.

I hope to be mocked, to be despised. As long as they can stay by my side, I’m willing to do anything.

I hope for others to look at me.

I hope for others to speak to me.

Anything will do. All I wish is to speak to ‘you’!

“What I wish for, actually, that alone would have been good enough…”

I utter, and I have difficulty breathing. My eyes heat up, and my muscles shiver all over. A second later, and tears gush out of my eyes like a dam. I can’t help but cling onto Sayo’s clothes.

I already decided not to cry.

Sayo gives me a kind smile, and embraces me in her clutches.

Feeling Sayo’s body warmth, I cry for a long time.

Trash won’t be able to get a happy ending. However, the way this revolution ends isn’t necessarily a completely bad ending.

Because this ending is so warm.

Ahh, maybe I’m no longer trash.

At the end of this long revolution, this is the one answer I find.

So surely, I will be able to gain happiness.

[[Image:Tada260.jpg|thumb]]

<noinclude>
{| border="1" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" style="margin: 1em 1em 1em 0; background: #f9f9f9; border: 1px #aaaaaa solid; padding: 0.2em; border-collapse: collapse;"
|-
| Back to [[Tada,_Sore_Dake_de_Yokattan_Desu:Chapter_10|Chapter 10]]
| Return to [[Tada,_Sore_Dake_de_Yokattan_Desu|Main Page]]
| Forward to [[Tada, Sore Dake de Yokattan Desu:Afterword|Afterword]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Tada, Sore Dake de Yokattan Desu:Epilogue

2019-04-22T04:16:02Z

SighingSlider: /* Epilogue: At the End of the World */

==Epilogue: At the End of the World==

“Because you hope for others to listen, don’t you?” Sayo’s voice came.

Until she said this, I never noticed myself muttering at all, and it seems I blurted it out subconsciously. This is really embarrassing. I hastily cover my mouth. Before I know it, I have an embarrassing habit of ‘telling a story’, and this is to allow me to merge into this world that’s hard to survive in, given how I have difficulties getting along with society.

Right by me, Sayo smiles at me.

I don’t like that understanding look at all, but unfortunately, I don’t have the strength to fight back.

“Takkun, there’s no way you can be trash. You love humanity too much for that.”

Sayo says,

“In the end, you couldn’t kill anyone. What’s with that knife wielding? Even without moving, you wouldn’t be able to aim properly.”

“…”

“Didn’t I tell you already? To rely a bit more on me? Hey, tell me more about your story.”

“Why…?”

I always wanted to ask her this,

“Are you standing on my side, Sayo?”

She has been encouraging me, helping me, got me to meet Sanae. She had been on my side the entire time.

“Because I had been cheering you on.” She shows a teasing smile, “My name’s Sayo Fujimoto. I was abandoned by my real parents, and my uncle, the Principal, single-handedly raised me.”

My family secret’s so secretive, not even Sanae knows about it, Sayo chimed in.

At that moment, I realized why she was so secretive.

She was raised by that Principal who was so passionate about education, and surely she was extremely outstanding, able to fish out news from her uncle, and greatly benefited Sanae in her research.

And she’s Sou’s niece.

At this point, she starts to say,

“I heard from my uncle of a certain middle school boy’s family background and thoughts, the brave boy who didn’t want to admit anything to anyone and continue to live on strong. Thus, I have been cheering him on the entire time, you know? I didn’t expect him to be the boy crying at the food court.”

“How’s that brave?”

“I told you not to mock yourself now. I feel somewhat similar to you, since I was coldly abandoned by my own parents. I heard how to dared to face this world greatly, and was encouraged by it. Even now, I’m endeared by your efforts.”

Just as she was on the bridge, Sayo embraces me, but with more tenderness, and says to me,

“This world isn’t filled with as much despair as you think, Takkun. I love you, so don’t say that you’re trash again.”

Within her embrace, I can’t move a finger. My body weakens, lost with regards to everything. I never had such an experience in my life before, but for some strange reason, it seemed nostalgic.

Something seems to be breaking away in my heart.

I want to yell, but there’s a strange feeling, and I can’t voice out.

All my memories, starting from my childhood, start to scatter in my mind like firecrackers.

I was ignored by my parents, kicked around at any given moment, and slept outside every night, shivering. Nobody taught me how to bathe, and nobody bought decent clothes for me. During elementary school, nobody was willing to approach me. Whenever I cried, “we shouldn’t have given birth to you.” I was always told. When serious, “I’m trash.” I was forced to sit before the mirror and mutter that. Once I was ten, all the housework was shoved onto me, and as long as I did something wrong, I would be thoroughly beaten up. So many times did I want to kill myself, and I earnestly wanted to vanish from this world.

''“Don’t just disappear man. There are still people on this world who want to know you.”''

A certain boy seemed to have read through my thoughts when he said this to me,

“…Don’t do this.” I say, “Why love someone like me…such consolation is completely meaningless.”

“Really?”

“Yeah!”

From within my heart, I growl, wanting to erase such pointless hope.

But because I obtained Sayo’s love, I had an impossible delusion pass through my mind, so much which it’s not self-loathing.

What replaces it is a foolish possibility in my mind.

Masaya’s final will was overly cruel, ''”Taku Sugawara is the devil”'', those were the words written, and no doubt it would raise a sense of justice to everyone in the world. However, was Masaya really the type not to admit his own mistakes, someone who would unreasonably determine others to be guilty? No, that genius’ not that stupid as a human.

The message Masaya left for me was weird. ''‘Traitor’''—it sounded like I was the one who broke the promise, Masaya abided by it, right? Or that mean that only Masaya didn’t betray the ‘TakuMasa Alliance’ formed from twisted families.

Only one answer alone can solve these two mysteries.

That Masaya destroyed my family utterly, releasing me from my parents.

Such a stupid delusion lingers in my mind. How is this possible!?

“Also, this isn’t the redemption I ask for…what I want is a different ending…”

In my memories, where I was never loved by my parents, my inner wishes become my life support. In the classroom, I spent days with no interaction with anyone, and my wish became purer.

I hope to be mocked, to be despised. As long as they can stay by my side, I’m willing to do anything.

I hope for others to look at me.

I hope for others to speak to me.

Anything will do. All I wish is to speak to ‘you’!

“What I wish for, actually, that alone would have been good enough…”

I utter, and I have difficulty breathing. My eyes heat up, and my muscles shiver all over. A second later, and tears gush out of my eyes like a dam. I can’t help but cling onto Sayo’s clothes.

I already decided not to cry.

Sayo gives me a kind smile, and embraces me in her clutches.

Feeling Sayo’s body warmth, I cry for a long time.

Trash won’t be able to get a happy ending. However, the way this revolution ends isn’t necessarily a completely bad ending.

Because this ending is so warm.

Ahh, maybe I’m no longer trash.

At the end of this long revolution, this is the one answer I find.

So surely, I will be able to gain happiness.

[[Image:Tada260.jpg|thumb]]

<noinclude>
{| border="1" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" style="margin: 1em 1em 1em 0; background: #f9f9f9; border: 1px #aaaaaa solid; padding: 0.2em; border-collapse: collapse;"
|-
| Back to [[Tada,_Sore_Dake_de_Yokattan_Desu:Chapter_10|Chapter 10]]
| Return to [[Tada,_Sore_Dake_de_Yokattan_Desu|Main Page]]
| Forward to [[Tada, Sore Dake de Yokattan Desu:Afterword|Afterword]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Tada, Sore Dake de Yokattan Desu:Epilogue

2019-04-22T04:11:10Z

SighingSlider: /* Epilogue: At the End of the World */

==Epilogue: At the End of the World==

“Because you hope for others to listen, don’t you?” Sayo’s voice came.

Until she said this, I never noticed myself muttering at all, and it seems I blurted it out subconsciously. This is really embarrassing. I hastily cover my mouth. Before I know it, I have an embarrassing habit of ‘telling a story’, and this is to allow me to merge into this world that’s hard to survive in, given how I have difficulties getting along with society.

Right by me, Sayo smiles at me.

I don’t like that understanding look at all, but unfortunately, I don’t have the strength to fight back.

“Takkun, there’s no way you can be trash. You love humanity too much for that.”

Sayo says,

“In the end, you couldn’t kill anyone. What’s with that knife wielding? Even without moving, you wouldn’t be able to aim properly.”

“…”

“Didn’t I tell you already? To rely a bit more on me? Hey, tell me more about your story.”

“Why…?”

I always wanted to ask her this,

“Are you standing on my side, Sayo?”

She has been encouraging me, helping me, got me to meet Sanae. She had been on my side the entire time.

“Because I had been cheering you on.” She shows a teasing smile, “My name’s Sayo Fujimoto. I was abandoned by my real parents, and my uncle, the Principal, single-handedly raised me.”

My family secret’s so secretive, not even Sanae knows about it, Sayo chimed in.

At that moment, I realized why she was so secretive.

She was raised by that Principal who was so passionate about education, and surely she was extremely outstanding, able to fish out news from her uncle, and greatly benefited Sanae in her research.

And she’s Sou’s niece.

At this point, she starts to say,

“I heard from my uncle of a certain middle school boy’s family background and thoughts, the brave boy who didn’t want to admit anything to anyone and continue to live on strong. Thus, I have been cheering him on the entire time, you know? I didn’t expect him to be the boy crying at the food court.”

“How’s that brave?”

“I told you not to mock yourself now. I feel somewhat similar to you, since I was coldly abandoned by my own parents. I heard how to dared to face this world greatly, and was encouraged by it. Even now, I’m endeared by your efforts.”

Just as she was on the bridge, Sayo embraces me, but with more tenderness, and says to me,

“This world isn’t filled with as much despair as you think, Takkun. I love you, so don’t say that you’re trash again.”

Within her embrace, I can’t move a finger. My body weakens, lost with regards to everything. I never had such an experience in my life before, but for some strange reason, it seemed nostalgic.

Something seems to be breaking away in my heart.

I want to yell, but there’s a strange feeling, and I can’t voice out.

All my memories, starting from my childhood, start to scatter in my mind like firecrackers.

I was ignored by my parents, kicked around at any given moment, and slept outside every night, shivering. Nobody taught me how to bathe, and nobody bought decent clothes for me. During elementary school, nobody was willing to approach me. Whenever I cried “we shouldn’t have given birth to you.” I was always told me. When serious, “I’m trash.” I was forced to sit before the mirror and mutter that. Once I was ten, all the housework was shoved onto me, and as long as I did something wrong, I would be thoroughly beaten up. So many times did I want to kill myself, and I earnestly wanted to vanish from this world.

''“Don’t just disappear man. There are still people on this world who want to know you.”''

A certain boy seemed to have read through my thoughts when he said this to me,

“…Don’t do this.” I say, “Why love someone like me…such consolation is completely meaningless.”

“Really?”

“Yeah!”

From within my heart, I growl, wanting to erase such pointless hope.

But because I obtained Sayo’s love, I had an impossible delusion pass through my mind, so much which it’s not self-loathing.

What replaces it is a foolish possibility in my mind.

Masaya’s final will was overly cruel, ''”Taku Sugawara is the devil”'', those were the words written, and no doubt it would raise a sense of justice to everyone in the world. However, was Masaya really the type not to admit his own mistakes, someone who would unreasonably determine others to be guilty? No, that genius’ not that stupid as a human.

The message Masaya left for me was weird. ''‘Traitor’''—it sounded like I was the one who broke the promise, Masaya abided by it, right? Or that mean that only Masaya didn’t betray the ‘TakuMasa Alliance’ formed from twisted families.

Only one answer alone can solve these two mysteries.

That Masaya destroyed my family utterly, releasing me from my parents.

Such a stupid delusion lingers in my mind. How is this possible!?

“Also, this isn’t the redemption I ask for…what I want is a different ending…”

In my memories, where I was never loved by my parents, my inner wishes become my life support. In the classroom, I spent days with no interaction with anyone, and my wish became purer.

I hope to be mocked, to be despised. As long as they can stay by my side, I’m willing to do anything.

I hope for others to look at me.

I hope for others to speak to me.

Anything will do. All I wish is to speak to ‘you’!

“What I wish for, actually, that alone would have been good enough…”

I utter, and I have difficulty breathing. My eyes heat up, and my muscles shiver all over. A second later, and tears gush out of my eyes like a dam. I can’t help but cling onto Sayo’s clothes.

I already decided not to cry.

Sayo gives me a kind smile, and embraces me in her clutches.

Feeling Sayo’s body warmth, I cry for a long time.

Trash won’t be able to get a happy ending. However, the way this revolution ends isn’t necessarily a completely bad ending.

Because this ending is so warm.

Ahh, maybe I’m no longer trash.

At the end of this long revolution, this is the one answer I find.

So surely, I will be able to gain happiness.

[[Image:Tada260.jpg|thumb]]

<noinclude>
{| border="1" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" style="margin: 1em 1em 1em 0; background: #f9f9f9; border: 1px #aaaaaa solid; padding: 0.2em; border-collapse: collapse;"
|-
| Back to [[Tada,_Sore_Dake_de_Yokattan_Desu:Chapter_10|Chapter 10]]
| Return to [[Tada,_Sore_Dake_de_Yokattan_Desu|Main Page]]
| Forward to [[Tada, Sore Dake de Yokattan Desu:Afterword|Afterword]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Tada, Sore Dake de Yokattan Desu:Epilogue

2019-04-22T04:10:06Z

SighingSlider: /* Epilogue: At the End of the World */

==Epilogue: At the End of the World==

“Because you hope for others to listen, don’t you?” Sayo’s voice came.

Until she said this, I never noticed myself muttering at all, and it seems I blurted it out subconsciously. This is really embarrassing. I hastily cover my mouth. Before I know it, I have an embarrassing habit of ‘telling a story’, and this is to allow me to merge into this world that’s hard to survive in, given how I have difficulties getting along with society.

Right by me, Sayo smiles at me.

I don’t like that understanding look at all, but unfortunately, I don’t have the strength to fight back.

“Takkun, there’s no way you can be trash. You love humanity too much for that.”

Sayo says,

“In the end, you couldn’t kill anyone. What’s with that knife wielding? Even without move, you wouldn’t be able to aim properly.”

“…”

“Didn’t I tell you already? To rely a bit more on me? Hey, tell me more about your story.”

“Why…?”

I always wanted to ask her this,

“Are you standing on my side, Sayo?”

She has been encouraging me, helping me, got me to meet Sanae. She had been on my side the entire time.

“Because I had been cheering you on.” She shows a teasing smile, “My name’s Sayo Fujimoto. I was abandoned by my real parents, and my uncle, the Principal, single-handedly raised me.”

My family secret’s so secretive, not even Sanae knows about it, Sayo chimed in.

At that moment, I realized why she was so secretive.

She was raised by that Principal who was so passionate about education, and surely she was extremely outstanding, able to fish out news from her uncle, and greatly benefited Sanae in her research.

And she’s Sou’s niece.

At this point, she starts to say,

“I heard from my uncle of a certain middle school boy’s family background and thoughts, the brave boy who didn’t want to admit anything to anyone and continue to live on strong. Thus, I have been cheering him on the entire time, you know? I didn’t expect him to be the boy crying at the food court.”

“How’s that brave?”

“I told you not to mock yourself now. I feel somewhat similar to you, since I was coldly abandoned by my own parents. I heard how to dared to face this world greatly, and was encouraged by it. Even now, I’m endeared by your efforts.”

Just as she was on the bridge, Sayo embraces me, but with more tenderness, and says to me,

“This world isn’t filled with as much despair as you think, Takkun. I love you, so don’t say that you’re trash again.”

Within her embrace, I can’t move a finger. My body weakens, lost with regards to everything. I never had such an experience in my life before, but for some strange reason, it seemed nostalgic.

Something seems to be breaking away in my heart.

I want to yell, but there’s a strange feeling, and I can’t voice out.

All my memories, starting from my childhood, start to scatter in my mind like firecrackers.

I was ignored by my parents, kicked around at any given moment, and slept outside every night, shivering. Nobody taught me how to bathe, and nobody bought decent clothes for me. During elementary school, nobody was willing to approach me. Whenever I cried “we shouldn’t have given birth to you.” I was always told me. When serious, “I’m trash.” I was forced to sit before the mirror and mutter that. Once I was ten, all the housework was shoved onto me, and as long as I did something wrong, I would be thoroughly beaten up. So many times did I want to kill myself, and I earnestly wanted to vanish from this world.

''“Don’t just disappear man. There are still people on this world who want to know you.”''

A certain boy seemed to have read through my thoughts when he said this to me,

“…Don’t do this.” I say, “Why love someone like me…such consolation is completely meaningless.”

“Really?”

“Yeah!”

From within my heart, I growl, wanting to erase such pointless hope.

But because I obtained Sayo’s love, I had an impossible delusion pass through my mind, so much which it’s not self-loathing.

What replaces it is a foolish possibility in my mind.

Masaya’s final will was overly cruel, ''”Taku Sugawara is the devil”'', those were the words written, and no doubt it would raise a sense of justice to everyone in the world. However, was Masaya really the type not to admit his own mistakes, someone who would unreasonably determine others to be guilty? No, that genius’ not that stupid as a human.

The message Masaya left for me was weird. ''‘Traitor’''—it sounded like I was the one who broke the promise, Masaya abided by it, right? Or that mean that only Masaya didn’t betray the ‘TakuMasa Alliance’ formed from twisted families.

Only one answer alone can solve these two mysteries.

That Masaya destroyed my family utterly, releasing me from my parents.

Such a stupid delusion lingers in my mind. How is this possible!?

“Also, this isn’t the redemption I ask for…what I want is a different ending…”

In my memories, where I was never loved by my parents, my inner wishes become my life support. In the classroom, I spent days with no interaction with anyone, and my wish became purer.

I hope to be mocked, to be despised. As long as they can stay by my side, I’m willing to do anything.

I hope for others to look at me.

I hope for others to speak to me.

Anything will do. All I wish is to speak to ‘you’!

“What I wish for, actually, that alone would have been good enough…”

I utter, and I have difficulty breathing. My eyes heat up, and my muscles shiver all over. A second later, and tears gush out of my eyes like a dam. I can’t help but cling onto Sayo’s clothes.

I already decided not to cry.

Sayo gives me a kind smile, and embraces me in her clutches.

Feeling Sayo’s body warmth, I cry for a long time.

Trash won’t be able to get a happy ending. However, the way this revolution ends isn’t necessarily a completely bad ending.

Because this ending is so warm.

Ahh, maybe I’m no longer trash.

At the end of this long revolution, this is the one answer I find.

So surely, I will be able to gain happiness.

[[Image:Tada260.jpg|thumb]]

<noinclude>
{| border="1" cellpadding="5" cellspacing="0" style="margin: 1em 1em 1em 0; background: #f9f9f9; border: 1px #aaaaaa solid; padding: 0.2em; border-collapse: collapse;"
|-
| Back to [[Tada,_Sore_Dake_de_Yokattan_Desu:Chapter_10|Chapter 10]]
| Return to [[Tada,_Sore_Dake_de_Yokattan_Desu|Main Page]]
| Forward to [[Tada, Sore Dake de Yokattan Desu:Afterword|Afterword]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Tada, Sore Dake de Yokattan Desu:Chapter 10

2019-04-21T09:28:12Z

SighingSlider: /* Chapter 10: Eve of the Revolution */

==Chapter 10: Eve of the Revolution==

The call remained on.

With my earphones on, I turned the voice up, and immediately heard an afternoon serial drama of family love and hatred. It was so shockingly loud, and they seemed to be quarrelling. Ten minutes later, it seemed to have calmed down.

The mother who only had eyes for her son called out her daughter’s name in a doting manner, and the daughter who envied her little brother apologized for her sins.

I hung up.

I thought that it was a ruckus, but I really was grateful that Masaya’s mother didn’t kill herself. I didn’t want more pain in Masaya’s home. He grumbled a lot, but he really loved his family.

“The reason why I chose this park was to make sure the daughter would get back to save her mother immediately.”

I muttered. I picked up the can Sanae dropped, and turned to leave the park. It’s already six pm, and as it was late December, the sky began to darken.

I wanted to take action quickly.

I kept waiting for as long as I could, and this time, the phone rang. It was from Masaya’s mother.

'''“What should we do…? What do you hope for?”'''

That was the one thing she immediately said, “I just hope for you to promise me something,” so that’s all I said, “so that there won’t be another victim like Masaya.”

I earnestly prayed for them to be happy again, and decided to head to the next destination.

“Now all the pieces are in place, and all that’s left is my determination.”

''“Did you plan all this?”'' Sanae did question me loudly, but that’s not the case. If not for the goddess of luck letting her show up, I probably wouldn’t have been able to complete this plan. No matter how much I would say, being alone, nobody would trust me.

To convince Masaya’s mother, I needed the strength of her daughter.

She remained aloof to her daughter, but the fact that her daughter did abuse Masaya left her really shaken up, and her form of strong-armed education was unexpectedly a torture to Masaya.

“I hope for you two to be happy,” so I muttered.

And so, I headed for the end.

To Kuzegawa Second Middle School.

This really was the end.

I decided to walk towards my destination.

Normally, I would take the bus, and if I walked, it would take about an hour. On my way there, I went home; I had to prepare myself, so I spent a little more time.

But even so, I continued forward.

I didn’t know when would be the next time I would take this road, or whether I would have the chance to take this road again.

The last time I took the bus home with Masaya, we had this discussion. It was February, during our first year.

“It’s still better than your family, but my family’s kinda twisted…”

Masaya sat by the window as he suddenly said this. He kept looking outside, not looking at my eyes, but his tone was unexpectedly grim.

He leaned his head on the window of the bus, and grumbled with hatred.

I sat next to him, cupping my bag that’s on my knees.

“Twisted?”

“Yeah, strangely twisted. Mom suddenly talks about grades and college without warning; she has high hopes for me. Sis always bullies me whenever she returns home. She envies me; it’s disgusting.”

“Because you’re a genius, Masaya?”

“Yeah. It seemed the reason was that she was dumped badly during college. After I had a girlfriend, she kept pestering me. It was annoying.”

“Masaya, your sister’s pretty right? She sounds popular.”

“Maybe.”

“Let me have sex with her.”

“Don’t say this to her brother.”

“You want me to say this to her brother-in-law?”

“Why are you getting married with my sister!?”

“But you seem really gloomy today.”

I asked, and Masaya didn’t respond immediately.

After a second or two, he started talking, and there was mist on the glass window.

“You remember Kotomi Ishikawa?”

It was an unexpected name. Of course I remembered that name.

“..I wanted to save her, but I failed.”

And also, she’s the girl going out with Masaya.

Upon hearing my answer, “Don’t say that it’s a failure. That was the right choice,” Masaya refuted.

Such comforting words. So I thanked him, and asked why he suddenly mentioned Ishikawa.

“That Kotomi’s still scared of the Human Power Test, and being graded by others. She’s a little overly reliant on me.”

Masaya said as he continued to look outside the window.

“Oh,” I answered listlessly. “That harassment really left her shocked, huh?”

“Seems that way.”

Masaya nodded, and sighed.

“But recently, I’ve started to understand Kotomi’s feelings.”

His tone had a little melancholy to it, so unlike someone of my age.

“Everyone calls me a hero, but human attitudes change easily. Those girls jealous of Kotomi started being nice to her after I went out with her. Even I was terrified when I saw that. I was wondering that one day, my friends might betray me.”

“To be honest… there is this possibility.”

“Yep. So I started to feel uncomfortable about human relationships. Annoying… well, it’s a little different from that.”

Masaya looked down at his palm. Of course, we couldn’t change this depressing reality.

“There are still scars in Kotomi’s heart… I’m affected too, though I have to protect her.”

“…I see… I want to help her too.”

I answered without thinking. I latched the strap of my bag onto my fingers, and watch it redden as I said that.

However, Masaya seemed to have realized my thoughts through these words alone. He stuffed his hands into the pockets of his pants, and looked at me.

“Just maybe, but you like Kotomi, don’t you?”

As to be expected of Masaya. He got it immediately.

Maybe my thoughts were written on my face.

“Not to the point where I like her,” I chuckled, trying to avoid the incoming hostility, “I do admire her somewhat, but relax, I’m not the trash who’ll steal my good friend’s girlfriend.”

Masaya chimed in,

“Eh, that’s impossible for you.”

“I’ll kill you.”

“You said you wanted to help her, right?” Masaya ignored my retort, and answered seriously, “Really? You failed once, yet you… you aren’t scared?”

“Didn’t you just say “Don’t say that it’s a failure”?”

“I swear I have no impression of that.”

“…To be honest, I’m scared.” This time, it was my turn to ignore Masaya’s antics, “I didn’t want it to end that pitifully. I had a bumpy life; I don’t want to be hurt again.”

“I guessed so…”

‘But… if she’s really frustrated, and if you’re powerless, just tell me. I’ll definitely protect Ishikawa.”

Masaya chuckled.

“It’s so like you.”

“Don’t envy me. I might as well save you too, Masaya, beat your classmates along with your family.”

“You’re doing that as an afterthought.”

“What else?” Saying that, I continued, “So, when I’m in trouble, help me out here, Masaya.” I then added on, “You know… I have family troubles too.”

Masaya nodded, his face becoming kinder.

“Leave it to me. No matter whether I’ll be arrested or persecuted, this genius boy Lord Masaya shall drop by to help you out. Next time, you can tattoo the words ‘Taku has Masaya’. That’s nice.”

“Don’t wanna… you love to act tough there. You became good friends with me because you and I both have twisted families, right?”

I said.

“Yeah, we’re good friends, allies.” His face reddened as he said that.

Then, he reached his fist out at me.

“Those of twisted families shall help each other out. This is the TakuMasa alliance.”

What’s with that name? I thought, but I never denied it.

“Righto.” So I tapped his fist with mine.

I still remembered the TakuMasa alliance.

Masaya seemed to be the same too.

He left two wills for me.

One was the one directed at the media and society at large, “Taku Sugawara is the devil.”

The other was the one he left in my shoe locker, on the day before he killed himself. That was the one love letter I had ever gotten in my life.

The pretty words written on printed paper were textbook-like. It was Masaya’s handwriting. This was the only word written:

''“Traitor.”''

Looking at the outcome, I thought he was right.

I couldn’t save him.

We couldn’t go home together, or go back to the days of chatting endlessly. From that word, I understood this very well.

We deserved it.

Masaya bullied me, and ended himself dejectedly.

I had a ridiculous goal, and struggled in despair.

Both of us deserved it.

However, I seemed to be the lucky one, not too bad.

After Masaya died, even with my reputation in tatters, I still had a girl waiting for me to give her happiness.

At the very least, I could complete half of what I promised with Masaya.

And thus, this long revolution would finally come to an end.

This revolution was bigger than I expected. All of Japan was cursing me, and foreign media was reporting.

The entire world’s my enemy.

All of humanity is cursing me ‘to die’.

On twitter, newspaper, 2ch, youtube, entertainment magazines, TV, facebook, LINE, Google+, letters in my living room, inside the bus, LINE, internet podcasts, foreign news, classrooms, Mixi, cafes on the streets. Everyone was slandering me.

“But even though I’m the bad guy, I have a good guy-like wish.”

For I was a real trash.

As long as she could smile again, I was fine with falling into hell.

“Right now, I’m going to execute the real happiness.”

I would drop by Kuzegawa Second Middle School every day, but this might have been the first time I showed up at the parking lots. I passed by it before, but typically, I wouldn’t really take notice of the place called the ‘parking lot’.

It was way past dismissal time, and no student could be seen. The parking lots were at the back of the school compound, the size a quarter of a gym. There were only half of the cars that were parked at noon. The lights in the middle were flickering, and I had lots of places to hide.

The asphalt during winter was cold as ice, and as I sat down, my butt ached. I hid in the darkness, waiting for my target to appear. I huddled my body, recalling Masaya and Ishikawa, hoping for the revolution to end.

Several teachers boarded their cars, looking very lethargic, and did not seem to notice me. Then, I lowered my head towards where they left. No other meaning.

As time passed by little by little, I felt my heart pounding increasingly.

I mustn’t get anxious.

All I needed to do was to make up my mind.

After a while, I saw Toguchi-sensei head for the parking lots, but he’s not my target either. I was disinterested in him; surely someone would judge him. There were some comments on the internet criticizing the teacher-in-charge. If I kept blaming him, he would look really pitiful.

Thus, I watched his car leave without doing anything.

Bye bye. Stay safe.

By the time I realized it, most of the teachers had already left, with only two cars left. It’s eight pm. Even as civil servants, the profession of teaching really is tiring. One of them should be a staff member, and I knew who the other one was.

“I never thought you would wait until the end.”

And so, I showed up right when Principal Fujimoto showed up.

His eyes widened slightly, but he did not seem particularly shocked.

“Oh Sugawara. What is it?”

Of course, it was not the first time we met. I had met him twice, first when I hit Masaya with the water bottle, and second when Masaya killed himself. We hardly talked directly, but we knew each other’s appearance.

At this moment, I took out a survival knife, and pointed the tip at the principal’s chest.

There was a five meter distance between us as we faced each other.

“So you want to kill me?” Principal Fujimoto didn’t move, “Why?”

“To end the Human Power Test. We don’t need such a thing,” I immediately answer. “We’re living in a nightmare. The media’s ripping apart the cons brought up by this new education system. Once you die, the Test will definitely vanish from this world.”

“Then you should be saying it to everyone, and not use violence.”

“Looking at your attitude, even a middle schooler can tell that you don’t intend to tell. If you want, Kishitani’s mother will.”

Hearing that, “Oh?” the Principal seemed a little surprised.

“So you convinced Akane Kishitani? You?”

“Yeah. I sent her a cat carcass, did my best to taunt her, growled at her, and got her to submit. I really wanted to tell her how hard it was to stuff the cat’s carcass after it got ran down in an accident.”

“I see, you had her… it’s a little tricky now.”

“It’ll be easy with your death.”

I held the knife with both hands. As long as I stabbed it into the Principal’s chest, I should be able to keep him. Even with my poor athleticism, as long as I have a weapon, I should be able to beat this old uncle.

All I needed was to make up my mind.

I couldn’t just tremble.

To encourage myself, I continued,

“All I want is just happiness. I won’t become a superstar at school, won’t be able to go out with the school idol, and all I need is to remain in a corner of the classroom while everyone’s able to laugh. For this reason, I started the revolution. I wanted to end Masaya’s bullying, destroy the Human Power Test, and the hell of human relationships.”

The knife in my hands was shaking.

“That alone is good enough for me.”

“But then, Masaya Kishitani killed himself,” with a deep growl, the principal said.

I yelled,

“Yeah! The revolution failed! This is the final gambit from me, the forced hand. I’m going to kill you, and end this Human Power Test!”

“It won’t end. First, is there a meaning to this? Even if you do kill me, Class 2-1 won’t be back to normal, not the class you want again.”

“No, this is no longer for my own sake,” I mocked myself, “it’s for a certain ‘normal friend’, who’s scared of the Human Power Test.”

So, I had to kill this guy.

I gathered all my strength, and aimed my knife at the Principal’s heart. I kicked the ground, and lunged with all my might.

But the Principal moved first.

He took a step back.

Just a step back, and it felt like a superpower had sent me to the side. Someone leaped at me, wrapping my body with their arms, and locking me with a technique I didn’t know of. There was an abnormal pain from my right hand.

I couldn’t take the pain, and couldn’t help but let go of the knife. That person then switched position, pinning me to the ground. My face was stuck on the icy asphalt.

“Takkun, enough already!” she yelled at my ears, her voice cracking, on the verge of tears, “There’s a limit to everything!”

That person was Sayo. I didn’t know why she was present, but with her holding me down, I couldn’t move at all.

“You’re betraying me too!?” I lashed out, “Why!? Why isn’t anyone standing on my side!?”

“Shut up! I was on your side the entire time!!” she yelled, basically arguing against me.

I tried my best to nudge my body out, but I couldn’t break free from Sayo. I couldn’t beat her at all, whether it’s strength or skill.

I saw the Principal pick up the one weapon I had—the knife. I pinched it with his fingertips, and looked down at me as though he was touching something filthy. I couldn’t escape from that look.

“She told me everything about you, and that’s why I dithered this long. Also, we did spot you hiding in the parking lots, so I was wary beforehand. Sugawara, what you did lacked thought.”

I turned my head towards Sayo, and she sheepishly uttered, “Sorry.” I guessed Sanae told her everything, and she figured out that I might attack the Principal.

Perhaps she had a bad feeling about the words “The revolution has yet to end.”

If that was the case, I was really careless.

“Hey, Sugawara, what do you wish for?”

The Principal kneeled down, and was basically caressing me.

“The Human Power Test isn’t some meaningless, crude interest. Academic tests alone won’t be enough to survive modern society.”

“I know,” I answered. “But what do you think about this society? Are you going to promote it? Celebrate the erosion of academic history? Don’t blame everything as ‘society’s fault’ without thinking!”

“I see. So you do understand this.”

“DID YOU UNDERSTAND THE FEELINGS OF THOSE WHO GOT LAST IN THE HUMAN POWER TEST? DID YOU HELP THOSE WHO WERE BULLIED? YOU DID NOTHING! YOU DIDN’T KNOW MASAYA’S PAIN, YOU DIDN’T KNOW ISHIKAWA’S TEARS! ALL THE BIG TALK ABOUT HOLLOW THEORY, ACTING LIKE YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE SOBER IN SOCIETY! THAT’S WHY I HAVE TO DESTROY THIS TEST! I WANT TO END EVERYTHING!!”

I yelled on the floor abysmally, I might have been yelling, or maybe it was just plain regrets.

I failed.

In the end, I couldn’t accomplish anything at all.

Sayo eased up, probably because I didn’t continue to resist. But at this point, I had no intention to run away, and laid down on the ground, tragic and crestfallen.

Principal Fujimoto indicated for Sayo to let go of me, and said,

“I wouldn’t say that I didn’t consider this; I would contact those ranked low on the Human Power Test and try to interact with them. The Human Power Test itself is imperfect, and I do need to hear the students’ voices. There was no way I could let my students suffer.”

The Principal patted my cheeks, dusting my face.

With a stunned look, I stared at the Principal.

“Wait, you’re Sou?”

“Yes. I had exceptional hopes for you in particular. Of course, I did realize the increasing tension in the student interactions. However, you remained at the bottom, still continuing to live on. I kept praying for you to realize, able to prove that personality is just one of the factors forming humanity.”

The Principal then derided me,

“But you were thoroughly shallow. There’s not just good and evil in this world. Those that we assume are good can be deemed evil from another perspective, and if we switch it around, the same logic applies. You should understand this better than anyone else, Taku Sugawara. Did you indulge in your sense of superiority in the face of the ignorant masses? Did you despise Masaya as a kind person, along with those classmates of yours who hope that you die?”

Such perception in the words were undoubtedly ‘Sou’s’. Those words the Principal said shook my heart harder than those on the internet.

“So for some reason, you became a fanatic who deemed me someone to be eliminated in order to remove the Human Power Test, swung this knife, unwilling to talk to me, and ignored me when I was the ‘Sou’ who had been watching over this lonely you? Absolutely preposterous, shallow, silly. Do you think you are a sage? Did you not realize that you are one of the foolish masses too?”

“Shut up…”

I could only respond weakly. What the Principal said was completely correct, so much that it was absolutely cruel.

“You always boast such logic, and persecuted others. You’re the one who provided Toguchi-sensei’s youtube account to the media, right…?”

“Even after investigating this much, do you still not understand? So what if you destroy the Human Power Test? Are human relationships going to be easier? In modern society, humans have to rely on other people’s opinions. You could have understood this if you worked a bit.”

Finally, the Principal said,

“How stupid you are. Please talk to those around you when you are in trouble. I would have to keep reminding you of this. If you had discussed this with ‘Sou’, none of this tragedy would have happened.”

“…”

Adding insult to injury there.

Nobody noticed the bullying, and I had no adult around me to talk to.

I had lots I wanted to grumble about, but I didn’t want to admit all that. It was called being despicable. The reason why I never did this till this point was that I didn’t want to be a despicable kid criticizing a despicable adult.

And then, this was all I had left for my willpower.

The one thing I did after my revolution failed—

An utterly revolting resistance.

“However—” the Principal said as he turned around to leave, “given how you’re about to force that feisty Akane Kishitani to stand by your side, I do find that impressive. It seems I will be a little busier; there is a need to make changes to the Human Power Test.”

“…”

“A cruel reality it is, but education does always come with failures. I have made many mistakes that can be considered nightmares, but we won’t give up just because of singular single mistakes; we have to learn from experience, and continue moving on. Masaya Kishitani, Taku Sugawara, thank you for your valuable data. It is inappropriate to say this now—but good job there.”

In a self-satisfactory manner, the Principal walked towards his car.

Good job there. Those words were coldly spat at me, and I couldn’t shake them off my mind.

Reality was not that nice. Nothing changed with Masaya’s death, and my efforts were for naught.

“Can…” subconsciously, I said, “Can I get any happiness…?”

“You should know now, right?” the Principal coldly stated, and finally vanished from my sights.

In this freezing parking lot, I did my best not to cry.

<center>†</center>

Everything I did, and this was the outcome.

A bad end without redemption.

<center>†</center>

Now then, my story comes to an end here.

A shallow, pitiful revolution, isn’t it? Amazing, isn’t it? As I expected, it’s really lousy.

You might think it’s for nothing.

I didn’t grow up.

Masaya’s suicide was pointless.

Nobody cared about this.

It didn’t matter at all.

The revolution failed, and I nearly committed murder.

I drove my one and only friend to his death.

My first crush was severely hurt because of me.

I couldn’t destroy the Human Power Test she was so terrified of.

Such a tragic ending it is, so mock me. Don’t have any more hopes for my story.

Mock me for being so shallow in thinking. I got bullied by my good friend, my classmates called for me to ‘die’, all of Japan hoped for me to kill myself, so just despise for. That’s all I want from you. Moral of the story is, don’t say anything like “you want to be like me.”

Ahh, right. This story isn’t important at all. It’s basically trash.

It’s pointless to discuss a trash’s life.

I know this well—so then!

“…Why am I still narrating at this point?”

“Because you hope for others to listen, don’t you?” Sayo’s voice came.

<noinclude>
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| Back to [[Tada,_Sore_Dake_de_Yokattan_Desu:Chapter_9|Chapter 9]]
| Return to [[Tada,_Sore_Dake_de_Yokattan_Desu|Main Page]]
| Forward to [[Tada, Sore Dake de Yokattan Desu:Epilogue|Epilogue]]
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</noinclude>

Tada, Sore Dake de Yokattan Desu:Chapter 9

2019-04-21T01:18:42Z

SighingSlider: /* Chapter 9: Revolution Eve */

==Chapter 9: Revolution Eve==

After about five minutes, Sugawara returned with two cans of cocoa in hand. I was wondering if he would run away, but it seemed he had no such thought. He asked if I preferred the bitter one or the sweeter one, so I chose the sweet one, indicating that I would pay, but he shook his head slightly. It’s strange for a college student to have a middle schooler treat them.

He sat next to me, and pulled the ring tab. He did not speak; surely he was thinking about something.

Both of us sat in a corner of the spacious park, remaining silent; it seemed so weird, so I decided to take the initiative and talk.

“Did Masaya really bully you?”

“Yes,” Taku Sugawara immediately answered. “There’s no proof. Masaya wouldn’t be so stupid as to leave evidence behind.

“Why did he do that much… did you incur his wrath or something?”

“Well, who knows?”

Sugawara coldly answered. I realized then that I asked the wrong question; it might be that I was too eager to figure out the truth, or that I was somewhat biased such that I asked a terrible question.

There was no real reason for the bullies.

“…Is it fine to let me explain myself as I like?”

After a short silence, he said,

“I’ll explain my relationship with Masaya, and why he killed himself. It may take some time, but this will be fine.”

I nodded.

I had to know no matter what, no matter what the truth was.

Again, he repeated to me,

“I don’t know if I can explain this well.”

“I’m not good at explaining this to others.”

“I’m an idiot, completely stupid.”

“So I’m not going to bother with honorifics.”

“And then I hope you’ll find that I’m really stupid.”

“I’d be happy with that. It’ll be as I thought.”

“You can become one with me.”

“So, while describing this with partial truth and partial conjecture,”

“I’ll explain why Masaya killed himself.”

“It was in May, during our second year, when Masaya started bullying me. The bullying wasn’t exactly going overboard over time; he snatched my money, and punched me in the gut. He then ganged with with Ninomiya, Watabe, and Komuro, attacking me while I was on my way home, and beat me up. I took him as a friend, and I was betrayed.”

It seemed Masaya did say that he was a good friend?

“Yeah, we viewed each other as good friends. I had some heart to heart talk with Masaya before. It’s not the type to go out together during the holidays, and we wouldn’t be together during noon break, we wouldn’t send messages to each other, or play games together. But if we met while on the way home, we’ll chat. It probably lasted from Autumn in our first year to Spring in our second year.”

“I had few words, and it was Masaya who kept talking. He grumbled a lot to me, probably because I didn’t belong to any group. He couldn’t just grumble when the Human Power Test was being executed in class, and I thought he wanted to soothe himself by venting his frustrations at me. Personally, I was happy to be able to talk to the genius Masaya.”

“On the way back home, we would share all kinds of things, like our future dreams, the ones we hate and like in class, grumble about our unreasonable parents, unhappy at the overly lax teacher, and the uneasiness that’s taking shape.”

“Sometimes we would skip over to the park, and chat till late at night.”

“Those were really happy days.”

“Every single viewpoint of his was different from me. Whatever I said, he would say, “It’s so typical of you.””

“We were once good friends.”

“But then, during May in our second year, I suddenly got punched. He set me up without anyone else figuring it out.”

““Sorry Taku, you understand, right?” He brought three friends along and whispered this to me.”

“Until I got punched, I didn’t understand at all. No, even after I got punched, I didn’t know what was going on.”

“To the victims, bullying is something unreasonable. I didn’t know the reasons and motives, and I was robbed, blackmailed. I was shocked, not because I was hurt, not because of the money, but Masaya beat me. I thought there was a misunderstanding.”

“I once respected Masaya Kishitani.”

“I also had respect for Ninomiya, Watabe, and Komuro. I knew very well that they’re a lot better than I am.”

“But they continued to bully me, tormenting me in places nobody would have found out. They forced pencils down my stomach, punched me in the stomach, stole my living expenses, and forced me to masturbate; nobody else found out.”

“It was only later that I found other that someone of those three told everyone else to bully Masaya. They created a commotion over the fact that Masaya once spoke to this unimpressive me, and mocked me. Masaya was scared of being left out, and he punched me. I guess they said, ''“So uncool. Don’t make friends with such a disgusting guy,”'' and ''“Punch him. Who are your friends? Us or him?”'' or stuff like that. When the bullying started, that’s what they said.”

“It seemed Masaya had the thought to refuse at first. That’s the feeling I had at first, but he had to succumb to them before his three friends. Soon after, I quickly gave up on that thought. I could tell.”

“For a genius boy, there’s no way he can resist after the first bad thing.”

“He crumbled.”

“He experienced the joy of bullying and dominating others.”

“His talents were such that none of the other three could compare.”

“The leader of the bullying became Masaya. He was always overly calm. My matters were never exposed. He was always able to avoid the situations easily, never leaving any records. Have you wondered if anyone can do such things? Masaya can. He’s a genius, with three outstanding lackeys.”

“The only one figuring out something was amiss was Masaya’s girlfriend, Kotomi Ishikawa. Even so, she only figured it out in October, and she didn’t know the details. Their methods were really perfect.”

“He perfectly controlled everything, not allowing a single mistake.”

“When I intended to talk about this with my teacher in July, Masaya figured it out three times, and beat me up so badly I was puking. The fourth time, II succeeded, but Toguchi-sensei never thought much about it. “You thought too much.” So he chuckled, and wouldn’t pay attention. He’s also scared of Masaya’s mother, and ignored my pleas. Also, I didn’t have any proof; the two recorders I had were broken.”

So when you remained so defiant, did Masaya not feel any danger when he bullied you?

"He’s different from the ordinary ones. It seemed he thought ‘this will cause some larger psychological pressure, and that’s more effective than finding out new targets’ whenever he found a new recorder."

“You know about my family background? I can’t even rely on my parents. I did request my parents to let me ‘transfer schools’, but I was ignored. Masaya knew that my parents showed no care for their son.”

“And then, Masaya knew that I had no friends.”

“It’s a bullying method so terrifying.”

“There’s no proof of bullying, I can tell my teacher has no enthusiasm, and my opponent’s the popular guy with a genius mind, the parent’s the monster parent of a PTA vice president. I could only submit to Masaya.”

“Everyone was my enemy.”

In fact, Katou and Kotomi once said, “There’s no way Masaya could be the bullied.”

“I guessed so. I could only feel despair, that no matter what plan I came up with, Masaya had his friends supporting him, the trust of the guardians, and no proof of bullying; from then, I had no chances of winning. My parents and teacher would help, I didn’t have any friends, and I was dismissed for spouting nonsense.”

“No matter what I did, I was always bullied.”

“You know what? They can’t trust those of low ranking in the Human Power Test. Unlike academic tests, this is a proof of popularity.”

“So I was forced to swallow slugs, lick their shoes, steal my parents’ watches, doused in hot and cold water.”

“Nobody reached out to me.”

“I didn’t know who else I could ask for help.”

Speaking until this point, Sugawara stopped and drank his cocoa, sighing, and went silent. For some reason, his body seemed smaller and weaker than before; his tone inflicting sadness for some strange reason.

What he said was likely to be the truth. I should say that it’s utterly ridiculous for Taku Sugawara alone to dominate four people. My little brother was bullying another classmate heartlessly, planning everything to a terrifyingly perfect setup. I recalled the image of Masaya I saw this summer, and couldn’t help but bite my lips.

The winter winds blew in December, and Masaya’s position just so happened to shield me, but my legs were icy cold. I immediately began to regret coming over in a long skirt instead of pants. Why did Sugawara choose this location?

“Eh, I don’t have any proof at all. I have a receipt of the second recorder, but this might look suspicious instead,” Sugawara noted in a self-depreciating manner.

“At the very least, it’s more convincing than you alone bullying four people.”

“Thanks.”

“But I still don’t understand the real reason as to why Masaya suddenly bullied you. Of course, I know it’s cruel of me to ask this of you.”

“The reason to pick me as a target was simple. I act alone, and it’s easy not to be found out even if I was bullied. In fact, nobody else found out.”

Sugawara patted the chest of his coat, twitched his body slightly, and muttered.

I couldn’t help but ask,

“But you can imagine this? In a certain way, you’re closer to Masaya than anyone else, Sugawara.”

I thought it might be a hyperbole to say that, but I had no intention to correct myself. As Masaya’s good friend, surely he viewed Masaya in a different way from everyone else.

With a hesitant look, Sugawara rubbed his fingers on the edge of the can, and said,

“Peer pressure…”

With a hoarse voice, he said,

“Did Ishikawa mention this? The class has been overly conscious about the Human Power Test, and those with low rankings are basically those who are told ‘I don’t want to get involved with you.’”

“Yeah, she was suffering due to this, right?”

“…It’s not Ishikawa alone who was suffering because of this.”

“Eh?”

“I did say this before right? Masaya was bullied by his three friends, couldn’t refuse, and could only obey them. Even he, that kind of genius, couldn’t fight back against peer pressure.”

“Or I should say,” Sugawara continued on,

“Everyone in class felt pressured due to the human relationships. Of course, I’m still a middle schooler, and even without the Human Power Test, I would feel pressured. The Human Power Test though increased the burden greatly, and crushed the other personalities. With poor grades in that, one’s own existence is basically denied. It forced us to learn how to observe, getting along with others is a must, and the theme was not to break the harmony. Everyone was living in a hell they were being watched in, and there was a tense atmosphere of a survival game of friendships, swords drawn and clashing.”

Taku Sugawara continued on.

“So Shunsuke Ninomiya, Kouji Watabe, Takayoshi Komuro, and Masaya Kishitani had to find a form of entertainment that they wouldn’t be found out. Kotomi Ishikawa was bitter that her boyfriend was hiding something from her, and she started bullying me along with the rest of the class. Kouta Katou himself started to harass Masaya Kishitani—”

“So Masaya Kishitani killed himself,” I said.

“And Taku Sugawara launched his revolution,” Sugawara said.

At this point, our conversation paused for a while.

The middle schooler seated next to me gulped down all of the cocoa.

“Sorry, there’s a little mess in the timeframe, and I described Kouta as a bad guy. That’s not true. He’s just one of the reasons, Masaya definitely had various reasons to commit suicide. Several people harmed him for various reasons. Of course, this included me.”

He calmly smiled.

“I’ll continue on then.”

“After summer vacation, I was robbed of my valuables several times, and tormented over and over again. In October, there wasn’t any improvement, nothing changed. Entering the second semester, dismissal time was earlier, and my bullying time got longer.”

“I went through days of despair.”

“It was a hell I couldn’t escape.”

“And then, at that moment, I, yes, that.”

“I fell in love with Kotomi Ishikawa.”

“Because she smiled at me.”

“I didn’t have any friends, my grades remained far inferior to everyone, and my Human Power Test scores were low. I was labelled trash, betrayed by my good friend, tormented over and over again, and then, she kindly spoke to me.”

“I was really happy. She even said “I’m envious of you.” It defied reality, but I really felt happier than ever. Such a tragic person like me was actually envied. Someone actually acknowledged me.”

“That night, I cried alone.”

“After that, I had several times to meet her. She told me things I didn’t know of, the peer pressure of being isolated.”

“So I finally realized that Masaya and the others had the same predicament. They bullied me to keep living in the suffocating classroom. Ishikawa and Masaya were suffering, and kept struggling.”

“Before that rubbish dump, I saw Ishikawa crying due to the peer pressure she suffered. My heart was breaking.”

“I felt an emotion, close to rage.”

“So I decided to start the revolution.”

“Being at the bottom of the Human Power Test left me happy. No matter how much others looked down on me, I decided to become trash that could protect what I believed in, not knowing how to observe others.”

“I decided to fight back against Masaya, and end the bullying. I wanted my own happiness, for everyone else to be happy. I decided to end the endless hell of bullying Masaya single-handedly came up with.”

“Of course, it’s an utterly foolish thought.”

“But this was all I could only do.”

“Naturally, I had no chance of winning with common sense in the face of Masaya’s thoroughly planned bullying.”

“As I had said, his bullying methods were so perfect. First, I didn’t have the help of my teacher and my parents, and even if I did ask the other teachers for help, trust-wise, I lose out to Masaya and the others. Also, Masaya was very wary of me talking to the teachers alone, or eavesdropping on the bullying scenes.”

“And even if I did succeed in reporting, I had to face that yapping mother. Nobody in class noticed that I got bullied, and those guys were all adored by my classmates. My words would only be nonsense. Even if I did complain through the internet or MEXT and cook up the fuss, nobody in school would admit to the bullying, and it’d be all for nothing.”

“But even so, I had to keep on fighting.”

“I had to start the revolution.”

“‘There was only one plan I thought of.”

“It would be to use his plan thoroughly against him.”

“So I went with the opposite action. First, I posted something shocking on the internet about the bullying, like '''“In Kuzegawa Second Middle School, there was a student who bullied four others,”''' and I wrote it in detail.”

“Many on the internet enjoy themselves through bullying, and there wouldn’t be as much fun if nobody killed themselves. But then, some immediately called the school to protest, ''“There’s a bullying incident in school, and your school isn’t going to do anything about it?”'' or ''“Who allows their kids to study in that school?”''”

“Of course, it did seem that some suspected “Four people bullied one instead,” or “He’s using the internet to continue with the bullying.” That’s not important though. Once news spread in the school, I used the water bottle to beat Masaya up.”

“Masaya probably predicted that I would lose control emotionally. After long periods of vicious abuse, I would explode one day. In such a situation, his fiery mother would come to school, interrogate the lethargic teacher who insisted that there were no witnesses to the bullying, that it’s a student with some psychosis issue playing his own act, to calm things down.”

“My plan proceeded successfully, so successfully that even I felt it was weird. I pretended to act arrogant, and had everyone have the worst impression of me. The school started receiving lots of protest calls in regards to the bullying, and the aftereffects kept burning. I was etched with the moniker of the devil.”

“And as Masaya’s mother hoped, I was heavily punished. They exceeded my initial expectations greatly, and had me persecuted by everyone else.”

So the punishment was suggested by mom?

“I was the one who laughed, ''“You want to punish me by making me kneel in school?”'' and I added, ''“Bullying is an invention that crosses through civilizations,”'' but this was just imitating what Masaya did. Anyway, all I did was a little taunt, and she fell for it. Masaya and the others wanted to continue tormenting me, so I kept on leading them. Takayoshi even pretended to cry. All I did was to diminish Masaya’s mother, and they easily got baited. Then, I was finally forced to parade around and kneel.”

“It was chaotic, but Masaya and the others weren’t unhappy with what happened till this point. Some parts were a little different, but it progressed as I planned. After that incident, Taku Sugawara was viewed as a bully not worthy to be pitied, and the true identities of the bullies were never revealed. After that, Taku Sugawara was severely punished.”

“But things were proceeding too well.”

“I chose to become the bad guy. This action was way beyond their expectations, and it got out of hand.”

“Before knowing what was actually written in the post, ''“I wrote it,”'' I just admitted that.”

“The original conclusion of ‘Taku Sugawara is suffering from mental disorder’ ended up being ‘Taku Sugawara is the bully’ because of that post and my testimony.”

“That was in my plan too.”

“Masaya was probably the only one who figured this out, but at this point, there was no turning back. He could not discuss this with the other three, and they were forced to admit that they were bullied before their parents and the teachers.”

“And so, it was finally my moment to counter.”

“Slowly, I drove Masaya and the others to despair.”

“To a middle schooler, ‘being bullied’ has a negative vibe to it. Aren’t some people unwilling to admit that they were bullied? It’s not just that they’re scared of further retribution from the bullies; most importantly, “I got bullied, and asked the teachers and my parents for help,” by admitting that, they made themselves look more pathetic. It’s not a proud thing.”

“But as I kneeled down before everyone, I got the entire school to know.”

“They were saying stuff like ‘It’s one vs four, and they got dominated by the unimpressive guy in class, trembling before him,’ or ‘they’re so active and amazing in the clubs, yet they’re just embarrassing dudes who got bullied.’”

“Stupid pride? Maybe. But middle schoolers are all like this trying to act cool. No matter what others say, for guys, being bullied is undoubtedly a humiliation, and furthermore, it’s the guy who they bullied in the first place.”

“Through my kneeling, I declared to everyone the predicament of Masaya and the others. They could only ask the teachers and parents for help.”

“Surely everyone else would be shocked to learn that their respected seniors and friends were actually being secretly bullied.”

“But Masaya and the others could no longer say ''“We’re the ones who got bullied”''. If they did, the commotion triggered in school would end up being their fault, and their sins would be revealed to all. They subjected me to extremely cruel punishment, and they never imagined the punishment being inflicted on them.”

“While they were feeling frustrated, I visited their houses a few times, pretending to apologize for my actions, and kept taunting them. I got their parents fuming, raising the matter way beyond, and drove them to despair.”

“I thought I would collapse.”

“But I continued to kneel before everyone. I nearly crumbled, but I endured. Even though I got beaten by their parents and kicked by my classmates, I would never give up.”

“I continued to spread this falsified truth, while being an enemy to the entire school, and enduring the humiliation.”

So everyone believed you? It’s not weird for others to doubt you, right?

“Probably, but that’s not important. To those suspicious, “Masaya and others are cruel beings who subjected me to bullying, and shifted the blame onto the victim.” The kneeling before everyone had such a great effect, but only a few suspected.”

Why? Only the adults saw your arrogance and the four of them whimpering. Logically, the other students should be feeling suspicious.

“Because there’s valid proof.”

Proof?

“The bruise. There’s a severe bruise on Masaya’s face. That’s why many believed. I beat him up with the water bottle. Surely he looked like the victim there.”

“So I ended up becoming the cold-hearted trash who dominated my four classmates, and they ended up being shameful brats who got dominated by one boy.”

“Peer pressure.”

“Thanks to the Human Power Test, the approval of others became all the more important, and classmates would start to grade one another.”

“They definitely couldn’t accept it. Pitied by their parents, classmates, and girlfriend, “it hurts, doesn’t it? Sorry for not noticing it.” And they’d be consoled. They’re the popular ones at school, but their prides would surely be damaged. Once they saw how cruel a punishment I was subjected, they couldn’t say ''“We’re the bullies.”''”

“To their seniors and juniors, they were bullied by an ugly, uncharismatic guy even though it’s four vs one, forced to eat slugs, apologized to by their parents, and carefully treated by their friends.”

“Their rankings in the Human Power Test would definitely drop, probably with some sympathy votes here and there. However, the bullying victims had no leadership skills and charisma. It might sound pitiful, but that’s the cruel rule set amongst us. The adoration from before had vanished, their rankings dropped, and their self-worth would drop.”

“They were the real bullies, but for some reason, the school viewed Taku Sugawara as the victim.”

“Just like that, I drove them to despair.”

“Two days after that incident, Masaya once came to be to reconcile, but I had no intention to forgive him. I still had hatred against them, and if I easily forgave them, they might regain the same attitude again.”

“During that time, I hardly got any bullying from Masaya and the others. Luckily, due to the mistaken justice everyone else had, I was able to stay away from them. Masaya and the others were deemed to be the victims, and naturally, there was no way they could be looking for me, since that itself would have been suspicious.”

It seemed Masaya did go look for the teacher to talk it out.

“I knew. I didn’t know what it was about, but Toguchi-sensei is a spineless bastard, and just casually threatened me, ''“If this doesn’t end well, Kishitani’s mother is going to be really scary.”'' Toguchi-sensei definitely ignored Masaya’s words, and for him, the best way to end this is to think of me as the villain.”

“I had been taunting their parents every day, angering them, and gave them no room to relax at home. There was no way they could say to their parents, ''“actually, we’re the bullies,”'' when their parents were already on their side.”

“The situation was completely reversed.”

“The spineless teacher ignored me, and the popular guys in class were suddenly pitied, doted by their overbearing parents like kids, and no proof of bullying, so they couldn’t regain their prides.”

“However.”

“I thought I overdid it.”

“Because I’m trash, having ignored the atmosphere in the classroom.”

“And I ignored Masaya’s feelings.”

“I didn’t know how to hold back, and couldn’t determine their actions.”

“That’s why Masaya killed himself.”

“I don’t know if you’re willing to believe me, but back then, I was wondering if I should forgive them. I was thinking if I should pretend that the kneeling never happened, that I could continue to go out with Masaya and the others like normal friends again, gather at some place to play video games, drop by at a fast food restaurant on the way home, chit chat about the girls we like.”

“You probably think that I’m stupid.”

“But I was serious.”

“Or rather, that was the compromise Masaya could only do. If he kept it up, even if the kneeling ended, the impression of him being the bullied wouldn’t vanish, and the fact that he's terrified to tears of the unimpressive guy called Taku Sugawara wouldn’t vanish. However, he couldn’t bully me openly, for surely someone would figure out that my testimony was a lie. It was already suspicious to begin with.”

“The only thing he could do was to act all chummy with me in public and change his image; to put everything in the past and be good friends with me again.”

“At the very least, that was what I thought.”

“To avoid having them bully me again, once Masaya and the rest learned their lesson, I intended to propose this.”

“For example, ''“if you make fun of me in class, I’m going to make fun of you in class, and everyone gets to laugh, forget about that, and think that we made up.”''”

“Masaya’s popular, and I was the guy everyone in class feared.”

“As long as we worked together, surely we would succeed.”

“That we would create a class where the popular ones and the unpopular ones could laugh together.”

“It might be a shallow wish, but that was my ideal revolution.”

“Even if it didn’t succeed, as long as I didn’t get bullied, I would be happy.”

“I wanted my own happiness.”

“I didn’t want to be bullied again.”

“I wanted to go home together with Masaya, just like before.”

“Even if I couldn’t be Ishikawa’s boyfriend, it was fine as long as I could ease her burden.”

“I suppose something amiss happened after the incident. Only two to three weeks later did I realize it, probably the moment when I stopped kneeling before everyone and went about visiting Masaya and everyone else’s house.”

“Back then, I was bullied in class. The guys were terrified of me, and they didn’t bully me, but a group of girls led by Tsuda intended to take revenge on me. To be honest, I thought it was the toughest part to deal with. It’s really stupid.”

Kotomi said that it was punishment. Of course, part of the reason she did that was to gain Masaya’s approval.

“And so Ishikawa couldn’t ignore the looks from others, but at the very least, she was self-aware. The other girls prided themselves as hero, or went along with the class, and threw my stuff into the dustbin.”

“But this was another reason that drove Masaya to despair. It’s immature, but guys hate having girls protect them. This action led to another situation. Some of the boys ended up looking down on Masaya, that he was bullied and beaten up by someone like Taku Sugawara, protected by the monster parent and the girls in class.”

Was Masaya the center target again?

“Eh, he’s the most popular of the four, so some did feel envy, since the girls only cared about Masaya. The one most involved should be Kouta Katou, I guess. He already had lots of envy directed at Masaya.”

“Of course, he didn’t do anything too obvious. After the incident, the most he did was to spill ink onto Masaya’s notebook. Right, he did that. I’ll tell you his address later, so you may visit him later. He thought that I had proof on hand, so he’ll definitely admit it. Other than that, there’s nothing obvious he did. The school was sensitive to bullying at that point.”

“But I sensed this atmosphere. The petty tricks were heinous, hard to detect, but they were there. They were laughing at Masaya behind the back, for being bullied by someone like me.”

“And that’s why Katou spilled the beans to the media outlets, “I don’t know anything,” “Taku Sugawara is weird.” He’s scared of retribution, and that’s why he went about spreading the news.”

“Of course, it wasn’t just Katou alone who caused this. Others were involved too. Jun Niwa and Konoha Harada both despised Masaya, while Nanoe Hada, Yuki Kunimoto, and Kana Mori pitied Masaya.

“I was too shallow.”

“I lacked imagination.”

“So anyway, many people hurt Masaya’s pride, way more than I expected. Masaya was crushed by the peer pressure. Later on, I noticed that he was acting weirdly, but it was already too late.”

“I was isolated from him, unable to do anything.”

“He was already mentally scarred beyond repair.”

“The popular guy in class with outstanding grades sank into the sense of superiority when he bullied me without anyone else noticing. He then got pitied by the people around him, became the one to protect for the girls, looked down upon by the boys, saw me grinning away while I was the one bullied, and ignored by the teachers. It was no wonder his ranking in the Human Power Test fell.”

“Also, he had excessive concern from his mother, always questioned about his situation in school like a kid entering kindergarten, and this damaged the pride a middle schooler should have. With the parent showing up every day at school to ‘Watch if there’s any bullying at school’, it was basically humiliating him, and even his girlfriend, who would be consoling him, was pitying and worrying about him.”

“But at this point, he couldn’t say that he was the bully, and that meant having to endure the pity and discrimination in school and at home. “I saw that guy who kneeled down. Doesn’t look impressive,” The seniors were mocking him with that, “Leave Sugawara’s punishment to us,” while the juniors were being all arrogant.”

“His intense pride couldn’t allow for all that, but there was no one he could discuss this with.”

“By my deduction, it was out of impulse.”

“Masaya had nowhere to go, and was frustrated by his overly worried and protective girlfriend, so he impulsively pushed her. He had no intention of hurting her, but she just so happened to be by the stairs. He felt an unbearable sense of self-loathing, and feared retribution when his girlfriend recovered.”

“And that’s why he finally made that decision.”

“To take revenge on me.”

“To do the one final move.”

“To kill himself.”

“He silenced the other three, and chose to commit suicide. At the same time, I became the one enemy to all of Japan.”

“"Taku Sugawara is the devil. Nobody should believe his words."”

“Even the will was well planned, and after leaving those words behind, he killed himself. Of course, I couldn’t defend myself.”

“The greatest bomb left behind by that genius was to let those who read the will be terrified of me.”

“He created this world, I distorted it, and he overturned it on me again.”

“He gave up his life.”

“Of course, I don’t need to explain what happened later. I became the lowlife who drove my classmate to despair through bullying.”

“Part of this is my imagination, but this is all I know.”

“Masaya and the others bullied me hard through thorough planning. To end the bullying and destroy the Human Power Test, I launched the revolution. It went well, but it damaged Masaya’s pride, and drove him to despair.”

“To summarize everything, there’s only one conclusion.”

“I can’t laugh with him again.”

“I can’t get happiness.”

“Masaya’s dead.”

After that, both of us went silent, sitting on the bench without moving.

I stared at the park I played at with Masaya, and pondered over the relationship between Taku Sugawara and Masaya.

What sin did he commit? He was the reason why Masaya killed himself. In the name of revolution, he kept torturing Masaya. However, considering what Masaya and the others did, it might seem like nothing much. From his perspective, he was just defending himself from the bullies. Was there any other way? In the world Masaya created, there was a way to fight back against Masaya. It was a plan to destroy the devil’s plot.

A certain critic once said, “The exclusive news showing up on the internet is very surreal.”

The reason was simple. Sugawara basically wrote down what Masaya and the others did to him.

He might have been forced to eat pencils, been beaten up, had his pocket money stolen, and doused in hot and cold water.

The other three, Ninomiya, Komuro, and Watabe insisted not to reveal the details, for they feared slipping up, that their acts would be discovered. Though they had beautified this as ‘friendship’

One of them should be the one who attacked me.

He attacked me because of Sayo’s call.

(So Masaya deserved his demise?)

Was this the conclusion? How’s that possible?

However, there was no flaw to be found in Sugawara’s words. It’s a lot more convincing than the illogical saying that a person dominated four.

“It matches… with most of the intel I collected.”

I tried my best to eek these words.

Sugawara shook his head.

“You can believe whatever you want, Sanae. I don’t have proof saying that I was the bullied, but there’s no proof to say that Masaya and the others were bullied.”

“Ishikawa told me her deduction. She said Ninomiya, Watabe, and Komuro bullied Masaya and Sugawara.”

“That’s stupid. In that case, Masaya’s will wouldn’t have my name on it. That guy’s world is always full of blind spots.”

“So is what you say the truth, Sugawara?”

With a vacant look, Sugawara ignored these words, and diverted the topic to a completely different direction.

“…How’s Masaya like to you, Sanae?”

He suddenly started with an unrelated question.

I didn’t know the intent behind that question, but he gave me a sharp, harsh look, and I felt an invisible pressure weighing on me.

“An outstanding little brother,” I answered. “That’s what everyone said about him during this incident, but he’s really smart, definitely doesn’t look like he’s seven years younger than me. Mom wouldn’t leave Masaya alone at all.”

“…”

“She even ended up becoming a monster parent. Of course, this isn’t right, but it’s really because Masaya’s really outstanding. He didn’t stand out during elementary school, but once he got to middle school, his talents started to show. He’s top for academics, chosen as a starter for his sports club, and only then did I realize that he’s a real genius. Even when I was beginning to prepare for my college exams, Mom just kept cheering him on.”

“And that’s when you cut up Masaya’s gym clothes?”

Sugawara interrupted me.

I turned around to glare at me, his eyes widened, the grim expression emitting a terrifying presence.

At that moment, I couldn’t breathe as normal; I tried drinking the cocoa to calm myself down, but I realized the can had already fallen to the ground.

“Hey, I did say it before, right? Before Masaya bullied me, I heard him voice lots of frustrations. You know what he said? Most of it was about his family, that his sister returning home would be rough on him, that his mother has exceeding expectations on him, all about that.”

The middle schooler next to me stood up before me. I wanted to back away, but the hard back of the bench was behind me, and I had nowhere to go.

The forceful glare was right on me.

“Reason for the bullying? Do I still have to say it? Peer pressure at school, and the twisted expectations and jealousy at home. There was nowhere for Masaya to escape, so he bullied me; only by bullying was he able to feel solace. You say this is just me guessing? Think about it then! Did Masaya discuss this with you before? Did he ask you for help? Did he leave a will for you?”

“No…”

“Nobody in our class is able to cut up his gym clothes without him knowing! I can tell that it’s you the family that doomed Masaya, old hag! You tooted Masaya’s horn and gave him so many expectations; are you making him a pet!? Talking about college everyday!? That’ll only increase the pressure on Masaya!”

Saying that, Masaya took out the smartphone from his chest. It’s shining, in the middle of a call. The one on the other end must be mom.

Sugawara had Mom listen to everything!

He probably did it when he went off to buy the cocoa.

I intended to defend myself, but I couldn’t say anything.

“Mom’s trash, sister’s trash. Are your actions just for self-satisfaction!? Do you feel guilt over Masaya’s death? Are you trying to redeem yourself? Or are you trying to gain your mom’s love!? That’s what Masaya hated most about you! “You’re annoying!” That’s what he always said!”

“I said that’s not it…”

“Stop lying already! This is the ‘truth’ you’re scared of, right!? Stop playing dumb! You only care about yourself! I’ll tell you this, the ones who made Masaya suffer most are you two! The Human Power Test did cause him much pressure, but he was basically just complaining about your family! That’s why he chose to bully me! And killed himself! The root of the cause is you the rotten family!”

No, that’s not it.

I had an impulse to refute immediately, “How did he know?” but at the same time, I had this contradicting thought, and finally understood why Kotomi had interest in Sugawara. The words he said would bring about fear, the urge to resist, and yet the urge to admit to everything.

My motives to investigate this matter were down to these two points. One was to make up for my useless self, and the other was the desire to gain Mom’s recognition.

This definitely was the truth I was scared to face, for I had a vague feeling that the ones who drove Masaya to despair were us—

I couldn’t defend myself. At this moment, he brought the cellphone to his lips; it was probably in speaker mode before this, and with a gruff tone, he said to Mom,

“Hey, Masaya’s mother, what do you intend to do? You simpleton, you got baited by my taunt, and started some weird group, right? Are you going to ignore my testimony, and continue to pretend that you aren’t involved? I intend to fight until the very end. Thank your daughter for collecting testimonies everywhere. Or are you going to retract your words? “I thought Taku Sugawara is the bad one, but Masaya’s the real bully. I’m sorry,” Try saying that!”

With a deep voice, he hissed,

“If you aren’t willing to do anything, kill yourself. Relax. You received the rope in the morning, right? I tied it up for you. You can hang yourself off the ceiling at home, just like your son.”

Sugawara took off the earphones from his phone.

Mom’s shrieking could be heard immediately. I had never heard such a mad shriek before. She appeared to be trying to say something, but they were no longer words, just mad ramblings.

Mom probably had been wondering how Sugawara could drive Masaya to despair.

She probably never expected that it was herself who caused Masaya to turn out this way, one of the reasons why Masaya killed himself.

And with a kind tone, Taku Sugawara said to the phone,

“If not—you can look at that rope and think of what to do.”

He showed the smirk of evil from before, the expression so unlike a middle schooler.

Masaya might have been the devil, but Taku Sugawara himself—

“You planned everything, didn’t you?” I yelled. With much determination, I strove not to give up on the investigations. “Mom set up the organization to wipe you out, until there’s no turning back. You hid the truth from us, right? You even sent us the cat carcass to taunt us, didn’t you?”

I shoved him aside and stood up, growling from the bottom of my heart. However, Sugawara didn’t seem to care, merely looking at the scenery afar as he gave me a gloomy look. Then, he merely said,

“You’re not going home yet? Then, are you going to let your mother die?”

The next moment, I was running away.

Mom!

Tears blurred my eyes before I knew it as I dashed back home at full speed.

What did I do wrong, exactly?

I did my best to act the part! Even though it’s lacking in love, I still gritted my teeth to endure my heart breaking inside; I wanted to be a kind older sister!

I did cut up Masaya’s gym clothes. I did beat up the brother seven years younger than me. I was so jealous and spiteful towards him. I never had any expectations placed on me, and vented my frustrations on my brother, who had the expectations on him. I could no longer hide the fact that I was a ‘flawed older sister.’

Mom! Mom! Mom!

I called out for the one person most important to me on this world.

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Tada, Sore Dake de Yokattan Desu:Chapter 6

2019-04-20T23:59:43Z

SighingSlider: /* Chapter 6: Murder */

==Chapter 6: Murder==

I’ve decided to quickly explain this revolution.

It’s a little tiring, but keep up with me.

During break, after finishing the meals that aren’t too bad but not very good either, everyone would just do whatever they wanted.

I was always at a corner of the classroom, reading, so I never once paid attention to all my classmates. On a closer look though, I would find everyone doing all kinds of things happily.

Masaya, Ninomiya, and Watabe were playing poker cards with several girls, while Ishikawa was watching on from the side happily. Komuro was trying his best to copy Masaya’s homework, the other girls were chatting away on the corridor, giving annoyed looks at Katou and the others as the latter talked about some degrading stuff. The more otaku oriented ones were discussing the anime airing that night, while calm people like me were reading.

What I wanted to express was that back then, I was not enraged.

When I attacked Masaya with the filled water bottle, I was not that agitated.

So once I made up my mind, I attacked Masaya with a swift, fluid motion when he turned his head around. Of course, it was to be expected; if I was really angry, I would have attacked him with a chair, and Masaya would even have been sent to the hospital. With my feeble muscles, I should have been able to do it.

In any case, it was due to kindness that I chose to attack with a water bottle, and left a bruise on Masaya’s face.

“What’s with you… Sugawara?”

Every classmate of mine stopped, and there was instantaneous silence in the classroom, with only Masaya remaining calm.

That really impressed me.

So I said, “This is really a good day.”

In early November, I began my revolution.

Once I was done with the preparations, I attacked Masaya, as I had described.

And chaos came.

I explained to my class teacher-in-charge Toguchi-sensei, Masaya’s mother, and the parents of the other three, and their lashing would have rendered me deaf. A few times Masaya’s mother wanted to hit me.

In the center of the classroom, several adults surrounded me, agitated emotions lashing out.

Like a hare mistakenly entering a lion’s den, I was left with a terrifying, pitiful experience.

But I never apologized.

I couldn’t give up easily, for it’s a revolution.

Everyone subjected me to ridiculous punishments, and during noon break, I had to go to every classroom in the school, to kneel down before everyone.

That day, I returned home at eight.

And before I slept, I finally met my father, who made it home.

He took off the heavy coat, took out a can of beer from the fridge, “Don’t do anything stupid,” and merely told me this.

Just that.

He never asked me anything.

Masaya’s mother went berserk like Asura himself, and I was suspended from school for three days; including Saturday, I spent five days on break. During this time, I went to the school a few times, and visited the homes of Masaya, Ninomiya, Watabe, and Komuro.

“Get your parents here!” A few of them called out to me.

But I could only answer, “Please tell my parents yourself.” I was not trying to fool them, I was being earnest; however, I got lashed at instead, and I appeared to have been thunderstruck.

I could understand this much.

The problem was that after suspension, I was forced to kneel before everyone.

(Is this the Edo Period!?)

During noon break, I went to kneel before every classroom, regardless of year. Is this permitted in education? MEXT, explain this!

…Well, that’s to be expected.

After the first day of kneeling ended, I grumbled inside my heart, and finally gained peace. I patted hard at my dirtied knees and hair, and sighed.

The feeling of pity and condescension from strangers lingered in my heart. Everyone was having lunch happily, and I showed up with the teachers, my head grovelling onto the floor. Everyone was stunned, and unable to say anything; the curious looks became condescension. I never saw their expressions, but that, I felt, was the atmosphere filling the classrooms.

It’s one thing for all the students to understand that bullying isn’t right; at the same time, it’s for everyone to know that I’m trash.

I guess this school won’t have any bullying again. Congrats.

(Masaya’s mom is really scary…)

I sighed, and heard Toguchi-sensei’s voice. He’s my teacher-in-charge, the adult who accompanied me as I kneeled.

“Hey, Sugawara.”

The young teacher of approximately thirty years old scratched his head.

“You don’t seem to have taken this hard…”

“Really?”

“No, it’s not like I want to increase the punishment, but I’m curious. What are you thinking?”

“It’s nothing. I’m just reflecting on how I bullied Masaya.”

I never expected Toguchi-sensei to figure it out, so I tried my best to give an arrogant attitude, a mocking smile, and turned my eyes to a completely different direction.

At the very least, until the revolution ends, I can’t open my heart to Toguchi-sensei.

So I mocked,

“Any worse? As long as I kneel down, things will end up well. Are you intending to get Masaya’s mom here? I did visit her during my break, but her rage just increased.”

“…Well, you’re right.”

Toguchi-sensei seemed to have given up, and sighed, hurrying back to the staff room. This teacher was criticized for being spineless and afraid of trouble, very unpopular amongst the students, but at this moment, I really was relieved by this.

When I returned to my classroom, I found my pencil case thrown into the dustbin.

It was very unnatural, and I figured it out on first glance. All the contents were spilled out, and thrown along with the pencil box, several mechanical pencils were sticking out from under the grey plastic bag.

I never expected it to begin so quickly.

I felt stares from all over the classroom, different from when I headed out to kneel before every classroom; there’s a sense of justice. The proof is that several gazes are looking my way, and not averting. They showed no shame in their ugly inner hearts, and thought that throwing my pencil case was an act of justice.

It’s nauseating.

“Is the Human Power Test that important…?” I muttered.

I thought as I glared back at them. I really had a lot to say.

You guys don’t have the right to be trash. You’re scum. You want approval from others? You want to be praised by Masaya? Or be one with the surrounding atmosphere? You throw away other people’s stuff for some stupid reason? How many people have you harmed over the past fourteen years, harking on the term friendship you do not understand?

But it was pointless to tell them this. First, I don’t care about these things; even if they’re stupid, buffoons, so what? It’s just my pencil case thrown away. Just a waste of a minute.

Real trash won’t be hurt.

And that’s what I saw during the initial phase of my revolution.

The revolution’s proceeding unexpectedly well, you know?

“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I’m tired!”

In any case, once I returned home, I yelled.

I attacked Masaya, faced Masaya’s mother in the staff room, visited the victims during my break, kneeled before everyone, my class and school judged me; it’s easy to write this, but every single event caused tremendous stress to my mental state.

I snacked on tidbits in the living room, soothing my tired soul. The baumkuchen I bought behind my parents’ back was unexpectedly nice. I started peeling the layers and eating them; it’s a unique way of eating I came up with. I collapsed on the sofa. “Uuu,” I murmured. Even trash like me will have a mental collapse.

“I should say that I haven’t done anything decent in a while. My head hearts. They’re cruel. They just tortured this weak kid in the Heisei Era like this!”

Even so, I couldn’t give up.

If not, I would forever have the infamy of being ‘the guy who bullied four classmates and beat up a classmate with a water bottle’.

The die has been cast.

I can only continue on.

I decided to grumble before heading to sleeping, '''“Beep.”''' There’s a sound from the computer. I approached it, and found the message was from Sou. It’s the usual message.

'''“Hello, you hear me? Did anything interesting happen today?”'''

I didn’t intend to tell him “I was forced to kneel during noon break as punishment.” So I made a harmless lie. It’s very easy to make up a lie. My day’s basically the same schedule, almost a staple. Go to school, don’t pay attention in class, head to the library, and head home.

I couldn’t tell Sou about the bullying and incident, but I just wanted to discuss something a little more stupid with Sou.

“Oh yeah, I found that cooking meat buns in soup is nice. It’s easy to complete a Chinese dish.”

At this point, I only need a change of mood, so I started getting greedy, and made a stupid joke.

Just to note, I’ve never had meat bun soup. This should be enough to make a Chinese soup dish, right? I don’t know.

The conversation continued somewhat, and we chatted away,

'''“So, in that case, if you use red bean bun, it’ll become a red bean soup, right?”'''

“Really? Sounds like it’ll be really bland.”

'''“Try making it. I’m looking forward to your results.”'''

“You should try experimenting it yourself, Sou. This is despicable.”

I joked, and awaited his reply.

After a pause, Sou sent me a message,

'''“Anyway, why did you beat up Masaya Kishitani, Sugawara?”'''

At that moment, I stopped thinking.

I kept reading that message, and then checked through my chat log with Sou. There was proof that I had never revealed my personal information to him.

I felt thirsty immediately, and was unable to say anything.

But Sou kept sending messages to me on the computer.

'''“I apologize for saying this out of a sudden, but do you mind sharing this with me? I might be able to help you out. Why did you hit Masaya Kishitani? Why did you act so arrogant before Masaya Kishitani’s mother? How did you dominate the four students?”'''

What’s going on? I inadvertently explained,

'''“I know you, I have hopes for you, and I am worried about you, so please tell me your objective. Taku Sugawara, that classmate of yours called ‘I’ is Kotomi Ishikawa, right?”'''

I instinctively switched off the computer.

My breathing got hasty, and I frantically unplugged the computer internet cable before leaving the living room.

Why did that guy know me?

Who exactly was he?

I felt something breaking apart, and had an ominous premonition.

Just in time, the doorbell rang. It’s not my parents; it’s impossible for them to be home at this time.

Someone’s here.

With my heart pounding, I sneaked to the window, and peeked at the entrance.

The guy standing outside was someone I didn’t expect, someone I didn’t want to meet.

(Masaya…)

Masaya had a bandage on his face as he stood at the door. Seeing that figure, I backtracked, and wanted to leave the scene,

“Taku, you there?” he called out to me through the window, “Why did you do that? What did you intend to do?”

Masaya called out to me, and I covered my mouth, holding my breath.

But a genius is really scary, and Masaya seemed to have realized my presence. He turned the door handle, saw that it was locked, and said,

“I know you’re hiding behind the door. If you don’t want to come out, it’s fine. But please, tell me, what is your aim?”

I couldn’t answer.

And Masaya said,

“You don’t have to kneel anymore. I never wanted you to do this. I’ll tell everyone in class not to be so narrow-minded and throw your pencil case. This is all I came to tell you. Hey, say something already, please.”

Even though he was being kind to me, I couldn’t answer. Only silence engulfed us as we were separated by this three centimeter thick door.

“Hey, Taku…” Masaya muttered, “We’re still bullies, right? Allies, right?”

“Yeah… but, sorry,” I said. However, I was thinking that once everything ended, we could go out and eat together; of course, I couldn’t just invite him out.

He’s an ally member of the TakuMasa alliance.

But at this point, I couldn’t be his good friend.

So after that, I chose to remain silent.

Several minutes later, Masaya still remained at the door, several times about to say something, then he finally gave up as he kicked the door in frustration, turning away to leave.

I closed my eyes, remaining at the corridor.

I had to keep torturing Masaya until the revolution ended.

For my own happiness.

I was worn out, and laid at the entrance; at this time, the doorbell rang again.

It was probably after about ten minutes or so, and I got wary again, wondering if it was Masaya again. I was curious as to who the visitor was and returned to the living room, and peered through the window; I saw the standard deep blue bag of our school, with a grey ribbon on it. Just the ribbon? There seemed to be something else tied to it. Yep, this seems familiar.

To see it clearly, I reached my head towards the window, and hit the glass accidentally. The visitor turned over upon hearing the hit, and our eyes met.

It’s Kotomi Ishikawa.

This was the first possible timing. She was the one person I didn’t want to see, more than Masaya. Things were going bad. The grey ribbon was a leftover of that doll. I couldn’t pretend not to be at home, however, so I nodded and went to the entrance. At the dim entrance, I switched on the white fluorescent lights, unlocked the door, and it was shoved aside, almost eagerly. She ignored the entrance I would typically clean up, and rattled away.

“Why did Masaya visit you, Sugawara?”

She asked. It’s a harsh expression I had never seen before, as though I was being interrogated over the sins of my past incarnation.

I averted her intense eyes, and said,

“Did he? I wasn’t sure.”

“You’re lying. I saw Masaya leave your house, Sugawara. Please tell me. Why did Masaya come here?”

“…I didn’t see him.” I tried to be as careful as I could as I answered, “I ignored him. He was yelling outside the house, but I didn’t know what he was yelling. Probably the New Testament.”

“Masaya isn’t a Christian.”

Ishikawa’s rebuttal sure was typical of her, and I was dumbfounded.

“Then it’s probably the Old Testament.”

“Again with that attitude… you’ll get bullied, Sugawara.”

It’s a tone of pity and rage; over the fourteen years of my life, this was the first time I had heard such a strange way of speaking.

“Everyone hates your guts, Sugawara… because you beat up Masaya. So, please tell me honestly. This is my one request… did you really bully Masaya?”

“…I did. Komuro spilled the beans of what I did on the internet, and Masaya has to bear the responsibility, so I beat him up. That’s how it is.”

My tone was colder than I thought. However, what I said could never be taken back.

Ishikawa shook her head before me.

“That’s a lie too. Even though I’m not smart, I know Masaya isn’t the type to be bullied.”

“In that case, why didn’t Masaya deny it before the teachers and the parents? If he had said ‘I wasn’t bullied’, I wouldn’t have said anything. He never denied it, because he couldn’t, because it’s a fact. You should have asked Masaya, right? What did he say?”

When I rejected Ishikawa with words, I felt a sharp pain in my heart. I had a strong urge to apologize immediately and embrace her. I was mentally prepared, but I never expected being enemies with Ishikawa to be so painful.

While I was wondering if I made her cry, she unexpectedly gave me a slap. It was weak, but it was enough to send this weaker me sprawling on the floor.

Her breathing was as frantic as a wild animal as she looked down at me,

“Why… wouldn’t you tell me?”

Her eyes were filled with tears, and she lashed out at me,

“Please tell me honestly! What should I do!? Whose words do I believe? Please tell me the truth… or… I’ll have to bully you… Sugawara…”

“Shut up…!!!”

While on the floor, I retorted back with all my determination, pushing back Ishikawa and my first love with determination.

“Stop trying to act goody-goody and say what sounds nice already. What you see is just others; you don’t hate me, right? You’re just scared of being treated cruelly again, hoping to be accepted by the other students. Stop determining other people’s crimes with that kind of motive. Stop running away from reality!”

“—!!”

She let out a verbal sob when she heard those words, and looked down at me in tears. She appeared to have something to say, but she seemed unable to say anything.

I guess I was right. Such an obvious response helped me out; it’s because of this that I started the revolution.

This is fine, so I convinced myself. Even if I was hated by Ishikawa, I couldn’t get her involved. This would be fine.

I felt the cold from the marble floor, and to avoid her gaze, I looked towards the pottery plant at the entrance. The dark green leaves were shaking as I kept waiting for Ishikawa to leave.

Finally, Ishikawa said in pain,

“Please shut up… you don’t know the suffering others have. You won’t understand.”

“Maybe.”

“You aren’t reflecting on this at all right, Sugawara? You spilled ink on Masaya’s textbook… just like you cut up Masaya’s gym clothes in September… you kept bullying Masaya… you’re horrible.”

“…Eh?”

I turned back, and asked, but she had already left.

I wanted to give pursuit, but my train of thoughts couldn’t catch up, and my body couldn’t move for the time being.

Again, I was left alone on the corridor.

But unlike before, I had clear doubts in my mind.

“Did I spill ink on Masaya’s notebook? Did I cut up his gym clothes?”

Those weren’t me.

Some people did these behind my back. I recalled Masaya’s anguished look.

Was I thoroughly mistaken about something?

Something laid hidden.

And was progressing to a place different from my revolution.

I have few wishes.

To fulfill these minimal wishes, I had to start this revolution.

To ease the burden of my friends.

Even if it’s a little, I hoped to ease Ishikawa’s burden.

I wanted to wreck the Human Power Test, and get happiness.

So I had such expectations as I started this revolution alone. And then, even if it wasn’t at me, I hoped she would show a hearty smile again.

It’s fine for us not to be lovers.

Trash won’t hope for such unrealistic things.

However, a month after I beat up Masaya, my wish wasn’t fulfilled. Instead, it appeared before me in a twisted manner.

Even I wasn’t sure of what happened during this time; I could deduce something from the known information and rumors, but deductions are just deductions. Of course, the one thing I could be certain of, was that the source of everything was me.

My revolution started creating turmoil, affecting various people; there’s no doubt about this.

Ishikawa fell from the stairs, and lost consciousness.

Once I heard that news, I stopped thinking. However, the worst possible outcome happened three days later.

Masaya Kishitani killed himself.

When I heard of this through the phone call, I collapsed to the floor due to hyperventilation.

Ahh, please, just mock me.

Laugh at this shallow me.

This is the one thing you can do, my single hope.

For I look down on myself, more than anyone else.

So when you make fun of me, our emotions will become one, and we’ll be a kindred soul.

Following this was the real hell.

<noinclude>
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| Back to [[Tada,_Sore_Dake_de_Yokattan_Desu:Chapter_5|Chapter 5]]
| Return to [[Tada,_Sore_Dake_de_Yokattan_Desu|Main Page]]
| Forward to [[Tada, Sore Dake de Yokattan Desu:Interlude|Interlude]]
|-
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</noinclude>

Tada, Sore Dake de Yokattan Desu:Chapter 3

2019-04-20T23:07:09Z

SighingSlider: /* Chapter 3: Secret Weapon */

==Chapter 3: Secret Weapon==

It's time for the secret weapon to show up.

"Sayopon, Sayopon, Sayopon, Sayopon, Sayopon, Sayopon, Sayopon, Sayopon, Sayopon, Sayopon." So I kept calling at the phone, probably about dozens of times, yet she didn't reply. Guess I'll continue to call a hundred times.

That was because I was left with no other choice. I called all the students in the class register, and requested them to give me any possible clues, but they all rejected me, which left me in a rut.

However, I compiled all the events I knew of in chronological order, and realized that with the given information, I couldn't deduce the truth of the matter.

1. The Principal started this weird Human Power Test.

2. In November, there was a bullying revealed on the internet that was started by Sugawara, and his four classmates, Masaya included, were bullied.

3. The school and the mothers of the victims decided to punish Sugawara, supervise him, and tried their best to isolate him from Masaya.

4. In December, Masaya was mentally ill, and killed himself.

How am I supposed to figure this out? This lack of information nearly had me lashing out.

Most inscrutable however is between points three and four. How did Taku Sugawara drive Masaya to despair? Nobody should be able to tell Sugawara off if this isn't cleared up.

Left with a dearth of options, I decided to ask the Secret Weapon Sayo, often known as 'Sayopon', despite being unable to contact her. Sayo and I went to different colleges, but we're childhood friends, and from elementary school, to middle school, to high school, she often helped me out, since I wasn't good at studies.

''"Shut up already! Stop leaving messages for me like they're curses, you idiot!"''

After muttering Sayopon for a hundred times or so, she finally picked up. It's that usual coarse voice.

''"And why have you been calling me 'Sayopon' every time you called me?"''

"Sayopon, listen, Sayopon."

''"Are you ignoring me now?"''

"You know about what happened to my brother, right? I'm currently investigating that thing now..."

After that, I told everything I learned from the paparazzi and my parents to Sayo. I just told her everything without sorting out my intel, and the more I said, the more I got confused.

However, "I see," Sayo said that once she heard everything from me.

''"Well, I've been watching the news, so I have a rough idea of what's going on."''

"I want to hear out what you think, Sayopon."

I said, but there was no voice from the receiver. It seems she's frustrated too, and soon, there was a heavy sigh.

''"This is just a view from a normal outsider,"'' Sayo added as a preface, ''"But logically, Masaya and the others shouldn't have been bullied by Sugawara, right?"''

"...What do you mean?" I asked, feeling all confused.

''"Eh, don't get angry with me. I just feel that someone like Masaya can't possibly be scared of a mere middle school kid. I'm guessing that Sugawara said the controversial line "Bullying is an invention" to pull attention to himself. The mastermind should be someone else, right?"''

"Mastermind… there's such a possibility. But, there's something obvious weird here."

I didn't think it was a bad theory, but I had a doubt.

"Assuming that there's a mastermind, why did Masaya only mention Sugawara in his will?"

Right, and that's where things gets tricky. Assuming that Masaya never saw through the possibility of a mastermind, this boy, the representative called Taku Sugawara, had been bullying them 'alone'. Also, this middle school kid was supervised heavily during the month before Masaya killed himself.

I was at a dead end, and sighed. Sayo too seemed to be the same, and she let out a bear-like grumble.

''"Ah, I don't understand. Not at all. Hey, besides Masaya, the other three who were bullied did testify to the school, right? What did they say?"''

"They said that they were bullied by Taku Sugawara, but weren't sure about what happened after the bullying, that's all. They seemed to be scared of something, and said that they could only reveal this."

''"I see..."''

"I guess we can only hear from the other students involved. I wonder if anyone's willing to tell me the relationship between Taku Sugawara and Masaya."

''"Yeah… Taku Sugawara..."''

Sayo paused for a moment, and silent down. It appeared like she's in deep thought. There are moments where she would suddenly go quiet and retreat into her own world. I couldn't hear anyone else's voice, so I could only spend the time tapping the cover of my smartphone.

After some moments, "Alright!" There was a determined voice from the other end of the phone.

''"Sanae, let me assist you in investigating this."''

I could hear Sayo's breathing from the other end.

''"I played with Masaya a few times myself. I can't just let it end like this."''

"Ohh, what's the matter? I was about to ask you for help anyway."

''"Eh… I do have some thoughts on this matter myself, and, it just feels that..."'' Sayo seemed hesitant to continue talking, and said, ''"Most importantly, I'm worried about you."''

Given her usual feisty personality, these words were overly tender from my childhood friend, and it surprised me.

"...Sorry to worry you."

''"...I am worried. How can I not, when my childhood friend's younger brother died? You're not forcing any smiles now, right?"''

"Hm, a little."

''"Don't force yourself. Anything you're unhappy about, tell me. You’ve looked gloomy in your SNS tweets since last year. Hey, I heard you broke up."''

"Oh… thanks. But it's fine now. What's more important is about Masaya."

''"I see… then I'll get a little serious."''

I could imagine Sayo showing a fearless smile on the other end of the phone.

Right, I'm glad to have a friend who knows me so well. At the same time, I got a powerful helper.

I felt some warmth rising in my heart, and after thanking her, I hung up.

Since the day Sayo decided to help me, two days passed, and again, she called me.

“As expected, calling the parents will only get me rejected. However, it seems some kids are willing to say something.”

"Yo." Sayo started without a greeting. However, what she’s talking about was what I was most hopeful about.

“Eh? That means?”

''”Going smoothly. We’ll be meeting at the station after class today. Will you be going?”''

“Of course! As expected of my secret weapon.”

I asked Sayo the details, and it seemed the student from Kuzegawa Second Middle School was the friend of her friend’s brother, Masaya’s classmate. I never expected that she could just get someone appropriate to ask. As expected, she has the social connections I never had.

“I never thought he would agree. If it was me, he would have been shocked and rejected me once I admit that I’m Masaya’s older sister…”

''“Seriously, you’re way too honest here… got to watch your tongue there,” Sayo noted in surprise, “but we can ask him without any other adults around. Maybe the students in the class might know something.”''

“Hm, so instead of a bullying that’s a complete mystery…”

''“Leaving it to you. It’s your job to figure out the truth.”''

I nodded, thanked her again, and hung up the phone.

I brewed some coffee, and then walked towards the living room, intending to sort out what I’m going to ask next. At this point, I’ve moved back from my apartment to my old house. There’s basically no lessons in the second semester of college junior year, and it’s better not to live far away from Kuzegawa Second Middle School if I want to investigate on Masaya.

So I thought as I tried to remember where the coffee beans at home were, and went downstairs. I found mom seated in the living room. She had her long hair combed behind her head, facing the computer, frantically typing something.

“Mom, what are you doing?”

I asked, and mom lifted her head, showing a fatigued smile.

“Internet.”

“What?”

“It’s a meeting on how to improve the school’s education, but the name’s undecided. We need to get Kuzegawa Second Middle School to work hard, so that sacrifices like Masaya won’t happen again. To do that, you know that I have to show up.”

It’s true that the mother of student who killed himself will have a convincing cause to this. Mom’s intending to change this school, not even digging her heels into the fact that Masaya’s gone. She’s typing with much unfamiliarity. I can tell from her sidelong face that she’s a lot more aged than when Masaya died.

“We have to punish Taku Sugawara severely. Judgement of the devil is needed.”

She was muttering furious as she tapped at her words.

“Masaya was definitely killed by him. However, my battle with the devil is not over yet. I’m definitely not going to forgive you. I’m definitely going to rip you apart, drive you to despair, kill you, and mangle you.”

Such words did not seem to come from my mom, and I was a little terrified.

This caused me to recall Taku Sugawara’s words:

“The revolution has yet to end.”

Has this incident ended already? Or is it just beginning?

I had a bad feeling about this.

The person Sayo introduced me to was called Kouta Katou.

The first impression of him was that he’s a beansprout. It’s the first time I’ve ever met such a person with a befitting nickname, and I really wanted to change the location from a café to a beef bowl rice shop. No, I’ve got to buck up! He has long, slender limbs, a face drained of blood, mouth half opened, and uneven glasses. No matter how I looked at him, he’s the Beansprout.

I brought him to an old looking café with lots of renovation. It’s a place that sells a cup of coffee for a cup of coffee 600 Yen. Inside the shop, we sat at a dim place where some light could shine into.

He ordered some hot lemonade, and I ordered hot coffee. Once our drinks were served, I ended the chat, and started asking questions.

“First, anything goes, but do you mind giving me your impression of those two? What are the impressions Kishitani and Sugawara give you, Kadou?”

First, I started off with this.

“Yes,” Katou so whispered.

I would first start asking from the easy one. I had a vague impression of Taku Sugawara’s horrendous personality, but I wanted to affirm this for myself. Also, I didn’t know how Masaya was like at school.

“Masa, ahh, that Masaya Kishitani’s nickname. To put it simply, that guy’s very popular. If there’s any activity, he’ll definitely be the one organizing, and his grades are a notch above us. Everyone really looks up to that guy. Ahh, of course, I really respect him too. I never thought that he would be a bullying victim. It just felt like he had nothing to do with the bullying, on either side.”

“Well, as to be expected.”

This was as I thought. It’s no different from when Masaya was at home.

“Then what about Sugawara?”

Katou frowned, and slowly said,

“Hm, no, Sugawara… to put it. He’s, not really a gloomy guy, but probably not a cheery one. I don’t think he’s really hated, but in any case, he just doesn’t have any presence. He’s probably the least impressive guy in the class.”

“Hm?”

It’s unexpected. From what I heard from the news and school, he should be a Middle School student who’s more arrogant, eccentric. I reached my hand out, cutting off Katou’s words, and said,

“What do you mean unimpressive? Is he different from the media’s portrayal of him being the demon?”

“Yeah, he’s really scary. We don’t know what he’s thinking. But he’s not some delinquent of a student. He’s dumb, bad at sports. He’s the type who likes to read manga and novels alone during noon break.”

“And… anything else?”

“Yeah, and also, he just seemed uninterested in the people around him. Or I should say, he never had any interest in others. Even if we did talk to him, we would just get ignored. That’s different from anthrophobia. He might really be the devil. Just gives a bad feeling.”

After that, Katou emphasized on Taku Sugawara, “He’s really disgusting,” and quenched his throat with the hot lemonade.

During that time, I kept looking at the notebook, and recalled the difference in the Sugawara depicted. Taku Sugawara should be the devil, “You alone won’t be enough to stop the revolution.” But was he really such an unimpressive person? What’s with this difference?

I was really curious about that. But I left the deductions for later—it’s time for the actual topic.

I merely took a few notes and took a deep breath, inhaling oxygen into my brain, and then decided to sort out the truth. I concentrated, and held my ball-point pen, saying, “Then… mind telling me more about the bullying?”

But compared to how enthusiastic I was, Katou’s answer was very vague. In an apologetic manner, he answered.

“…I’m not very sure on the bullying at all.”

Katou lowered his head, and muttered.

“What happened? Are you saying that nothing seemed to have happened ever since Sugawara hit someone with a water bottle?”

I tried asking with a more specific question.

But again, he shook his head.

“No, that’s not it. During that time too, nobody knows everything from beginning to end. Nobody actually saw the bullying, whether it’s before the bullying actually happened, or after.”

“…Eh?”

The notebook in my hands nearly fell off, but I barely managed to grab it in time. I leaned my body over the table, staring at Katou’s face.

And then, I blankly asked,

“What do you mean? The content of the online posts includes forcing people to eat dead bees, needles stabbed into the back…”

“I said that nobody saw all these. Nobody realized that anyone was bullied, let alone saw it. Before those contents were uploaded onto the internet, no, even after they were uploaded onto the internet, nobody realized it. Nobody in class figured out that there was bullying until Sugawara beat Kishitani up with a water bottle.”

What’s going on?

Even I got confused.

One guy bullied four popular people without anyone noticing? Is that even possible?

It’s really ridiculous. The students would have been worried the moment the popular ones showed even a grimace, and there should be a lot of people they could discuss this with. It’s impossible.

It was vexing. I took two sugar blocks next to me and dropped them into the coffee. It’ll become really sweet, but it’s fine since I have a sweet tooth. At the very least, I could get my mind clear.

After a sip of coffee, I asked Katou,

“…Was there really bullying?”

“There are a few signs, so it’s possible. Masa’s gym clothes were cut up before…”

“Signs, huh?”

“Masa, Shun, Taka, and Kouji all insisted that they were bullied, and Sugawara admitted it… given how the victims and bully admitted, I’m thinking there was actually bullying involved.”

At this point, all I could do was sigh.

I thought I could get closer to the truth, but I failed completely. Of course, it’s not Katou’s fault, but it was so deflating.

With that, I couldn’t discover any clues from the victim’s house, email, and cellphone. It’s no wonder the police and school had given up on that. There’s no definitive proof that Taku Sugawara drove Masaya to despair.

Since Katou didn’t know anything about the bullying, there’s nothing more to ask about this. All I was able to do. It’s like I’m cleaning up after the operation failed.

“Then, well, please tell me what happened after the assault, after Sugawara beat up Kishitani with the water bottle. It’s said that Sugawara was isolated.”

“Well Sugawara was already alone. Ah, but it seems he got bullied by some girls. He enraged Masa’s fans, or friends. But anyway, there’s something more painful there, right? The TV stations will air the bad parts of the school…”

“Hm? Bad parts?”

And then, Katou continued on, hesitant to speak.

“For an entire week, Sugawara was forced to kneel, and then was paraded around the school.”

“Huh?” Again, I could only eek out these words, and remain rooted there. I didn’t know anything about this at all. It was an unexpected message. No, I should have heard about this matter, more or less.

It’s said that the school and guardians punished Sugawara severely.

But nobody told me it was so severe, so unjust.

“I heard this was all decided by the school, by the guardians. For an entire week, he was forced to kneel during noon break, going from the classrooms of the third years to the first years. It’s sad, isn’t it? They paraded the bully around the entire school in front of the students.”

“Eh, but why did they do this? Ah, just tell me what you know, Katou.”

“They’re probably scared of Sugawara, I guess? He bullied four of our classmates without anyone noticing, anyone knowing. As long as all the students know how Sugawara looks, everyone can watch over him.”

It sounded logical. I could get having the students watch over Sugawara, watch the bullying the teachers couldn’t. Was there a need to parade him in front of everyone though?

Was this reasonable? This was way too—

“Please tell me what happened after that,” I suppressed my feelings, and asked, “So, from the kneeling to Masaya, ah, please tell me what happened until Kishitani killed himself?”

“Nothing special, all I know is that Masa had been acting strange. It felt like he was just hiding from others. He didn’t seem to smile much.”

“Was it because Sugawara did something?”

“I told you nobody else knew… everyone’s Masa’s friend, Sugawara’s enemy. But nobody knew why Masa broke down. The only explanation is that Sugawara did something…”

Broke down. I didn’t like this description at all, but I wasn’t so impatient as to throw a fit here. I continued to ask,

“What did the people who saw it do?”

“Of course they got worried. The red wounds really appeared to be hurting. Everyone bullied Sugawara, and did their best to isolate Masaya and the others from Sugawara. The whole school was protecting Masaya, protesting against Sugawara.”

“Everyone… nobody stood on Sugawara’s side?”

“A-Actually, it’s a little excessive to say that. There must be some who would pity that Sugawara.”

Pity? For Sugawara?

I tried asking, “Why?” my apologies, my tone’s a little rigid. I had a feeling there would be something big.

Katou seemed to have difficulty saying something as he lowered his head,

“Well, those seniors and juniors who didn’t know anything might think this way. The impact of Sugawara’s kneeling was way too shocking, so it’s not weird to have some misunderstanding. Also, there are already some outside our class who hate Masa.”

“Hm, why hate Kishitani?”

Katou said,

“Masa’s mom is really famous in the school. She’s one of those monster parents who show up on the news. She often complained about the content of the lessons, how the exams are graded. Those that know about it are really disgusted by it.”

I’ve never heard of this before!

“…Is Kishitani’s mother such a cruel person?” I did my best to suppress my feelings as I continued. This had been my feeling for much of today’s hearing.

“Hm, that’s because she’s the vice president of the PTA, you know? Masa himself seem to really hate her. She would grumble whenever the teacher criticized Masa for forgetting to bring something, or even a graze. That graze could have been inflicted at home, but it’s blamed on the sports department. Masa will hide some things from her, but if she found some excuse, she’ll come running to complain to the school.”

“…I see.”

And so, I heard such terrifying news.

My throat felt a little parched.

At the very least, when I was still in high school, Mom was still normal. During the three years when I entered college and left him, Mom’s personality changed after drastically.

My mind recalled Mom grumbling at Taku Sugawara as she sat before a table a few hours ago.

What happened? Was the key involving my Mom?

I had to ask her. To go to Mom. She’s really involved in this incident; no way was she just someone normally involved. And more importantly, I had my own issues too.

I thanked Katou, and left the seat.

Then, he finally asked something.

“Erm, did I say something weird? You seemed strange midway through this.”

“It’s fine, you don’t have to mind about this. This big sister here acts weird once every five minutes.”

“Ah, I see… then can I ask another question? You’re investigating this incident, right? You should know about Masaya’s girlfriend. Did you hear anything from the news?”

I slung my bag over my shoulder, and said,

“No, all I know is that three days before Kishitani killed himself, she fell from the stairs… and hasn’t regained consciousness, right?”

“Yes… I too, only know this. Some said the culprit’s Taku Sugawara, but back then, he was being told off in the staff room…”

Right, I let this go as I didn’t know what had this got to do with Masaya, but there were a lot of mysteries.

Masaya’s lover rolled down the stairs three days before Masaya killed himself, and she lost consciousness.

This can be said to be one of the reasons why Masaya killed himself, but it may have been just an accident. In any case, my biggest priority would be to investigate Masaya.

I thanked him again, and left.

I didn’t head back home directly,

For I had yet to clear out my thoughts.

I didn’t get any clues on the bullying, but unexpectedly, I obtained a really important piece of intel. Sugawara was forced to kneel in front of everyone as punishment, the one who became the monster parent, the mother of Masaya and me.

So to sort out these messages, I went to the fashion shop I often visited in high school, the bread shop I really liked, the shopping area before the station, wandering aimlessly. It just felt that for every step I took, the venue changed, and I was wondering if I was even walking straight. Eh? Which side’s south?

What got me back to normal was a phone call from Sayo.

The moment I heard her voice, I started telling her everything I heard from Katou. Sayo listened listening, “Is it really alright?” and with a calm voice, she asked me.

“It’s fine. I feel a lot better after saying it out,” I answered. “Recovery ended. Time to begin.”

''“If you can do such a stupid thing, I guess you’re fine.”''

“I might not be suited to be a detective. My head’s in a complete mess.”

''“We already knew that centuries ago. Next, about your mom.”''

Sayo calmly raised her opinion on what I said,

“…”

But I couldn’t bring myself to agree immediately.

''“Sanae, what is it?”''

“…No, it’s nothing. Hm, Mom might have hidden something from me. There’s no way she would have done something so weird like parade him around as punishment.”

Rooted to the spot, I nodded firmly.

There’s a lot of mysteries.

—Nobody realized the bullying until the hurting.

—After the hurting, Sugawara gained attention as he knelt down in front of the entire school.

—And also, Masaya who killed himself.

Even so, I was slowly approaching the truth of the matter.

As long as I could unravel the mystery, it’d be fine. I could start investigating from the contact I had with Katou. Since Mom’s really involved in this, I could start here. I’ll get close to the crux from many ways.

''“It’s just a bit, but the truth of this matter is going to float. You need to keep working harder, Sanae.”''

Sayo’s encouragement came from the other end of the phone.

To be honest, I was really trying my best to be energetic, but there was some uneasiness. Whenever I approached the truth of this matter, my heart would churn out a feeling I should not have. I could only try my best not to mind it.

Regarding this matter, for every little bit I knew.

I would know more about Masaya.

As this useless older sister, I would—

“Right, I’ll do my best.” But even so, I too made up my mind, “It’s for Masaya’s sake.”

If I kept thinking about the uneasy part, there would be no end to it.”

''“Hm, nice attitude,”'' my childhood friend chuckled, ''“But before that.”''

Sayo thought of something, and said,

''“Sanae, send me the pictures. The pictures.”''

“Hm?”

''“Masaya, his bullied friends, and Taku Sugawara. There should be a group photo or something, right? I do want to have a look. If we’re talking about bullying, the appearance is also an important factor, right?”''

“Ahh, right. Hold on. I’m hanging up.”

I sent the photo to Sayo. The photo of Masaya and friends laughing together, and in a corner of a group photo, Sugawara looking bored as he looked at the lens. The contrast between them was accidental, but I sent the two photos over.

Sayo quickly responded.

I picked up the phone, and she spoke with a tone far more serious as compared to usual.

Which was,

''“I met him before.”''

She said.

Of course, I asked who she met. Sayo immediately answered,

''“I met Taku Sugawara before…”''

In other words, she was really involved in this matter.

Involved in the revolutionary war of Taku Sugawara.

It was the second day when the mutilated cat carcass was sent to our house.

And the message ‘the revolution shall continue’ was attached.

As expected, that thing started.

Slowly, but surely.

<noinclude>
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| Back to [[Tada,_Sore_Dake_de_Yokattan_Desu:Chapter_2|Chapter 2]]
| Return to [[Tada,_Sore_Dake_de_Yokattan_Desu|Main Page]]
| Forward to [[Tada,_Sore_Dake_de_Yokattan_Desu:Chapter_4|Chapter 4]]
|-
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</noinclude>

Tada, Sore Dake de Yokattan Desu:Chapter 3

2019-04-20T23:05:33Z

SighingSlider: /* Chapter 3: Secret Weapon */

==Chapter 3: Secret Weapon==

It's time for the secret weapon to show up.

"Sayopon, Sayopon, Sayopon, Sayopon, Sayopon, Sayopon, Sayopon, Sayopon, Sayopon, Sayopon." So I kept calling at the phone, probably about dozens of times, yet she didn't reply. Guess I'll continue to call a hundred times.

That was because I was left with no other choice. I called all the students in the class register, and requested them to give me any possible clues, but they all rejected me, which left me in a rut.

However, I compiled all the events I knew of in chronological order, and realized that with the given information, I couldn't deduce the truth of the matter.

1. The Principal started this weird Human Power Test.

2. In November, there was a bullying revealed on the internet that was started by Sugawara, and his four classmates, Masaya included, were bullied.

3. The school and the mothers of the victims decided to punish Sugawara, supervise him, and tried their best to isolate him from Masaya.

4. In December, Masaya was mentally ill, and killed himself.

How am I supposed to figure this out? This lack of information nearly had me lashing out.

Most inscrutable however is between points three and four. How did Taku Sugawara drive Masaya to despair? Nobody should be able to tell Sugawara off if this isn't cleared up.

Left with a dearth of options, I decided to ask the Secret Weapon Sayo, often known as 'Sayopon', despite being unable to contact her. Sayo and I went to different colleges, but we're childhood friends, and from elementary school, to middle school, to high school, she often helped me out, since I wasn't good at studies.

''"Shut up already! Stop leaving messages for me like they're curses, you idiot!"''

After muttering Sayopon for a hundred times or so, she finally picked up. It's that usual coarse voice.

''"And why have you been calling me 'Sayopon' every time you called me?"''

"Sayopon, listen, Sayopon."

''"Are you ignoring me now?"''

"You know about what happened to my brother, right? I'm currently investigating that thing now..."

After that, I told everything I learned from the paparazzi and my parents to Sayo. I just told her everything without sorting out my intel, and the more I said, the more I got confused.

However, "I see," Sayo said that once she heard everything from me.

''"Well, I've been watching the news, so I have a rough idea of what's going on."''

"I want to hear out what you think, Sayopon."

I said, but there was no voice from the receiver. It seems she's frustrated too, and soon, there was a heavy sigh.

''"This is just a view from a normal outsider,"'' Sayo added as a preface, ''"But logically, Masaya and the others shouldn't have been bullied by Sugawara, right?"''

"...What do you mean?" I asked, feeling all confused.

''"Eh, don't get angry with me. I just feel that someone like Masaya can't possibly be scared of a mere middle school kid. I'm guessing that Sugawara said the controversial line "Bullying is an invention" to pull attention to himself. The mastermind should be someone else, right?"''

"Mastermind… there's such a possibility. But, there's something obvious weird here."

I didn't think it was a bad theory, but I had a doubt.

"Assuming that there's a mastermind, why did Masaya only mention Sugawara in his will?"

Right, and that's where things gets tricky. Assuming that Masaya never saw through the possibility of a mastermind, this boy, the representative called Taku Sugawara, had been bullying them 'alone'. Also, this middle school kid was supervised heavily during the month before Masaya killed himself.

I was at a dead end, and sighed. Sayo too seemed to be the same, and she let out a bear-like grumble.

''"Ah, I don't understand. Not at all. Hey, besides Masaya, the other three who were bullied did testify to the school, right? What did they say?"''

"They said that they were bullied by Taku Sugawara, but weren't sure about what happened after the bullying, that's all. They seemed to be scared of something, and said that they could only reveal this."

''"I see..."''

"I guess we can only hear from the other students involved. I wonder if anyone's willing to tell me the relationship between Taku Sugawara and Masaya."

''"Yeah… Taku Sugawara..."''

Sayo paused for a moment, and silent down. It appeared like she's in deep thought. There are moments where she would suddenly go quiet and retreat into her own world. I couldn't hear anyone else's voice, so I could only spend the time tapping the cover of my smartphone.

After some moments, "Alright!" There was a determined voice from the other end of the phone.

''"Sanae, let me assist you in investigating this."''

I could hear Sayo's breathing from the other end.

''"I played with Masaya a few times myself. I can't just let it end like this."''

"Ohh, what's the matter? I was about to ask you for help anyway."

''"Eh… I do have some thoughts on this matter myself, and, it just feels that..."'' Sayo seemed hesitant to continue talking, and said, ''"Most importantly, I'm worried about you."''

Given her usual feisty personality, these words were overly tender from my childhood friend, and it surprised me.

"...Sorry to worry you."

''"...I am worried. How can I not, when my childhood friend's younger brother died? You're not forcing any smiles now, right?"''

"Hm, a little."

''"Don't force yourself. Anything you're unhappy about, tell me. You’ve looked gloomy in your SNS tweets since last year. Hey, I heard you broke up."''

"Oh… thanks. But it's fine now. What's more important is about Masaya."

''"I see… then I'll get a little serious."''

I could imagine Sayo showing a fearless smile on the other end of the phone.

Right, I'm glad to have a friend who knows me so well. At the same time, I got a powerful helper.

I felt some warmth rising in my heart, and after thanking her, I hung up.

Since the day Sayo decided to help me, two days passed, and again, she called me.

“As expected, calling the parents will only get me rejected. However, it seems some kids are willing to say something.”

"Yo." Sayo started without a greeting. However, what she’s talking about was what I was most hopeful about.

“Eh? That means?”

''”Going smoothly. We’ll be meeting at the station after class today. Will you be going?”''

“Of course! As expected of my secret weapon.”

I asked Sayo the details, and it seemed the student from Kuzegawa Second Middle School was the friend of her friend’s brother, Masaya’s classmate. I never expected that she could just get someone appropriate to ask. As expected, she has the social connections I never had.

“I never thought he would agree. If it was me, he would have been shocked and rejected me once I admit that I’m Masaya’s older sister…”

''“Seriously, you’re way too honest here… got to watch your tongue there,” Sayo noted in surprise, “but we can ask him without any other adults around. Maybe the students in the class might know something.”''

“Hm, so instead of a bullying that’s a complete mystery…”

''“Leaving it to you. It’s your job to figure out the truth.”''

I nodded, thanked her again, and hung up the phone.

I brewed some coffee, and then walked towards the living room, intending to sort out what I’m going to ask next. At this point, I’ve moved back from my apartment to my old house. There’s basically no lessons in the second semester of college junior year, and it’s better not to live far away from Kuzegawa Second Middle School if I want to investigate on Masaya.

So I thought as I tried to remember where the coffee beans at home were, and went downstairs. I found mom seated in the living room. She had her long hair combed behind her head, facing the computer, frantically typing something.

“Mom, what are you doing?”

I asked, and mom lifted her head, showing a fatigued smile.

“Internet.”

“What?”

“It’s a meeting on how to improve the school’s education, but the name’s undecided. We need to get Kuzegawa Second Middle School to work hard, so that sacrifices like Masaya won’t happen again. To do that, you know that I have to show up.”

It’s true that the mother of student who killed himself will have a convincing cause to this. Mom’s intending to change this school, not even digging her heels into the fact that Masaya’s gone. She’s typing with much unfamiliarity. I can tell from her sidelong face that she’s a lot more aged than when Masaya died.

“We have to punish Taku Sugawara severely. Judgement of the devil is needed.”

She was muttering furious as she tapped at her words.

“Masaya was definitely killed by him. However, my battle with the devil is not over yet. I’m definitely not going to forgive you. I’m definitely going to rip you apart, drive you to despair, kill you, and mangle you.”

Such words did not seem to come from my mom, and I was a little terrified.

This caused me to recall Taku Sugawara’s words:

“The revolution has yet to end.”

Has this incident ended already? Or is it just beginning?

I had a bad feeling about this.

The person Sayo introduced me to was called Kouta Katou.

The first impression of him was that he’s a beansprout. It’s the first time I’ve ever met such a person with a befitting nickname, and I really wanted to change the location from a café to a beef bowl rice shop. No, I’ve got to buck up! He has long, slender limbs, a face drained of blood, mouth half opened, and uneven glasses. No matter how I looked at him, he’s the Beansprout.

I brought him to an old looking café with lots of renovation. It’s a place that sells a cup of coffee for a cup of coffee 600 Yen. Inside the shop, we sat at a dim place where some light could shine into.

He ordered some hot lemonade, and I ordered hot coffee. Once our drinks were served, I ended the chat, and started asking questions.

“First, anything goes, but do you mind giving me your impression of those two? What are the impressions Kishitani and Sugawara give you, Kadou?”

First, I started off with this.

“Yes,” Katou so whispered.

I would first start asking from the easy one. I had a vague impression of Taku Sugawara’s horrendous personality, but I wanted to affirm this for myself. Also, I didn’t know how Masaya was like at school.

“Masa, ahh, that Masaya Kishitani’s nickname. To put it simply, that guy’s very popular. If there’s any activity, he’ll definitely be the one organizing, and his grades are a notch above us. Everyone really looks up to that guy. Ahh, of course, I really respect him too. I never thought that he would be a bullying victim. It just felt like he had nothing to do with the bullying, on either side.”

“Well, as to be expected.”

This was as I thought. It’s no different from when Masaya was at home.

“Then what about Sugawara?”

Katou frowned, and slowly said,

“Hm, no, Sugawara… to put it. He’s, not really a gloomy guy, but probably not a cheery one. I don’t think he’s really hated, but in any case, he just doesn’t have any presence. He’s probably the least impressive guy in the class.”

“Hm?”

It’s unexpected. From what I heard from the news and school, he should be a Middle School student who’s more arrogant, eccentric. I reached my hand out, cutting off Katou’s words, and said,

“What do you mean unimpressive? Is he different from the media’s portrayal of him being the demon?”

“Yeah, he’s really scary. We don’t know what he’s thinking. But he’s not some delinquent of a student. He’s dumb, bad at sports. He’s the type who likes to read manga and novels alone during noon break.”

“And… anything else?”

“Yeah, and also, he just seemed uninterested in the people around him. Or I should say, he never had any interest in others. Even if we did talk to him, we would just get ignored. That’s different from anthrophobia. He might really be the devil. Just gives a bad feeling.”

After that, Katou emphasized on Taku Sugawara, “He’s really disgusting,” and quenched his throat with the hot lemonade.

During that time, I kept looking at the notebook, and recalled the difference in the Sugawara depicted. Taku Sugawara should be the devil, “You alone won’t be enough to stop the revolution.” But was he really such an unimpressive person? What’s with this difference?

I was really curious about that. But I left the deductions for later—it’s time for the actual topic.

I merely took a few notes and took a deep breath, inhaling oxygen into my brain, and then decided to sort out the truth. I concentrated, and held my ball-point pen, saying, “Then… mind telling me more about the bullying?”

But compared to how enthusiastic I was, Katou’s answer was very vague. In an apologetic manner, he answered.

“…I’m not very sure on the bullying at all.”

Katou lowered his head, and muttered.

“What happened? Are you saying that nothing seemed to have happened ever since Sugawara hit someone with a water bottle?”

I tried asking with a more specific question.

But again, he shook his head.

“No, that’s not it. During that time too, nobody knows everything from beginning to end. Nobody actually saw the bullying, whether it’s before the bullying actually happened, or after.”

“…Eh?”

The notebook in my hands nearly fell off, but I barely managed to grab it in time. I leaned my body over the table, staring at Katou’s face.

And then, I blankly asked,

“What do you mean? The content of the online posts includes forcing people to eat dead bees, needles stabbed into the back…”

“I said that nobody saw all these. Nobody realized that anyone was bullied, let alone saw it. Before those contents were uploaded onto the internet, no, even after they were uploaded onto the internet, nobody realized it. Nobody in class figured out that there was bullying until Sugawara beat Kishitani up with a water bottle.”

What’s going on?

Even I got confused.

One guy bullied four popular people without anyone noticing? Is that even possible?

It’s really ridiculous. The students would have been worried the moment the popular ones showed even a grimace, and there should be a lot of people they could discuss this with. It’s impossible.

It was vexing. I took two sugar blocks next to me and dropped them into the coffee. It’ll become really sweet, but it’s fine since I have a sweet tooth. At the very least, I could get my mind clear.

After a sip of coffee, I asked Katou,

“…Was there really bullying?”

“There are a few signs, so it’s possible. Masa’s gym clothes were cut up before…”

“Signs, huh?”

“Masa, Shun, Taka, and Kouji all insisted that they were bullied, and Sugawara admitted it… given how the victims and bully admitted, I’m thinking there was actually bullying involved.”

At this point, all I could do was sigh.

I thought I could get closer to the truth, but I failed completely. Of course, it’s not Katou’s fault, but it was so deflating.

With that, I couldn’t discover any clues from the victim’s house, email, and cellphone. It’s no wonder the police and school had given up on that. There’s no definitive proof that Taku Sugawara drove Masaya to despair.

Since Katou didn’t know anything about the bullying, there’s nothing more to ask about this. All I was able to do. It’s like I’m cleaning up after the operation failed.

“Then, well, please tell me what happened after the assault, after Sugawara beat up Kishitani with the water bottle. It’s said that Sugawara was isolated.”

“Well Sugawara was already alone. Ah, but it seems he got bullied by some girls. He enraged Masa’s fans, or friends. But anyway, there’s something more painful there, right? The TV stations will air the bad parts of the school…”

“Hm? Bad parts?”

And then, Katou continued on, hesitant to speak.

“For an entire week, Sugawara was forced to kneel, and then was paraded around the school.”

“Huh?” Again, I could only eek out these words, and remain rooted there. I didn’t know anything about this at all. It was an unexpected message. No, I should have heard about this matter, more or less.

It’s said that the school and guardians punished Sugawara severely.

But nobody told me it was so severe, so unjust.

“I heard this was all decided by the school, by the guardians. For an entire week, he was forced to kneel during noon break, going from the classrooms of the third years to the first years. It’s sad, isn’t it? They paraded the bully around the entire school in front of the students.”

“Eh, but why did they do this? Ah, just tell me what you know, Katou.”

“They’re probably scared of Sugawara, I guess? He bullied four of our classmates without anyone noticing, anyone knowing. As long as all the students know how Sugawara looks, everyone can watch over him.”

It sounded logical. I could get having the students watch over Sugawara, watch the bullying the teachers couldn’t. Was there a need to parade him in front of everyone though?

Was this reasonable? This was way too—

“Please tell me what happened after that,” I suppressed my feelings, and asked, “So, from the kneeling to Masaya, ah, please tell me what happened until Kishitani killed himself?”

“Nothing special, all I know is that Masa had been acting strange. It felt like he was just hiding from others. He didn’t seem to smile much.”

“Was it because Sugawara did something?”

“I told you nobody else knew… everyone’s Masa’s friend, Sugawara’s enemy. But nobody knew why Masa broke down. The only explanation is that Sugawara did something…”

Broke down. I didn’t like this description at all, but I wasn’t so impatient as to throw a fit here. I continued to ask,

“What did the people who saw it do?”

“Of course they got worried. The red wounds really appeared to be hurting. Everyone bullied Sugawara, and did their best to isolate Masaya and the others from Sugawara. The whole school was protecting Masaya, protesting against Sugawara.”

“Everyone… nobody stood on Sugawara’s side?”

“A-Actually, it’s a little excessive to say that. There must be some who would pity that Sugawara.”

Pity? For Sugawara?

I tried asking, “Why?” my apologies, my tone’s a little rigid. I had a feeling there would be something big.

Katou seemed to have difficulty saying something as he lowered his head,

“Well, those seniors and juniors who didn’t know anything might think this way. The impact of Sugawara’s kneeling was way too shocking, so it’s not weird to have some misunderstanding. Also, there are already some outside our class who hate Masa.”

“Hm, why hate Kishitani?”

Katou said,

“Masa’s mom is really famous in the school. She’s one of those monster parents who show up on the news. She often complained about the content of the lessons, how the exams are graded. Those that know about it are really disgusted by it.”

I’ve never heard of this before!

“…Is Kishitani’s mother such a cruel person?” I did my best to suppress my feelings as I continued. This had been my feeling for much of today’s hearing.

“Hm, that’s because she’s the vice president of the PTA, you know? Masa himself seem to really hate her. She would grumble whenever the teacher criticized Masa for forgetting to bring something, or even a graze. That graze could have been inflicted at home, but it’s blamed on the sports department. Masa will hide some things from her, but if she found some excuse, she’ll come running to complain to the school.”

“…I see.”

And so, I heard such terrifying news.

My throat felt a little parched.

At the very least, when I was still in high school, Mom was still normal. During the three years when I entered college and left him, Mom’s personality changed after drastically.

My mind recalled Mom grumbling at Taku Sugawara as she sat before a table a few hours ago.

What happened? Was the key involving my Mom?

I had to ask her. To go to Mom. She’s really involved in this incident; no way was she just someone normally involved. And more importantly, I had my own issues too.

I thanked Katou, and left the seat.

Then, he finally asked something.

“Erm, did I say something weird? You seemed strange midway through this.”

“It’s fine, you don’t have to mind about this. This big sister here acts weird once every five minutes.”

“Ah, I see… then can I ask another question? You’re investigating this incident, right? You should know about Masaya’s girlfriend. Did you hear anything from the news?”

I slung my bag over my shoulder, and said,

“No, all I know is that three days before Kishitani killed himself, she fell from the stairs… and hasn’t regained consciousness, right?”

“Yes… I too, only know this. Some said the culprit’s Taku Sugawara, but back then, he was being told off in the staff room…”

Right, I let this go as I didn’t know what had this got to do with Masaya, but there were a lot of mysteries.

Masaya’s lover rolled down the stairs three days before Masaya killed himself, and she lost consciousness.

This can be said to be one of the reasons why Masaya killed himself, but it may have been just an accident. In any case, my biggest priority would be to investigate Masaya.

I thanked him again, and left.

I didn’t head back home directly,

For I had yet to clear out my thoughts.

I didn’t get any clues on the bullying, but unexpectedly, I obtained a really important piece of intel. Sugawara was forced to kneel in front of everyone as punishment, the one who became the monster parent, the mother of Masaya and me.

So to sort out these messages, I went to the fashion shop I often visited in high school, the bread shop I really liked, the shopping area before the station, wandering aimlessly. It just felt that for every step I took, the venue changed, and I was wondering if I was even walking straight. Eh? Which side’s south?

What got me back to normal was a phone call from Sayo.

The moment I heard her voice, I started telling her everything I heard from Katou. Sayo listened listening, “Is it really alright?” and with a calm voice, she asked me.

“It’s fine. I feel a lot better after saying it out,” I answered. “Recovery ended. Time to begin.”

''“If you can do such a stupid thing, I guess you’re fine.”''

“I might not be suited to be a detective. My head’s in a complete mess.”

''“We already knew that centuries ago. Next, about your mom.”''

Sayo calmly raised her opinion on what I said,

“…”

But I couldn’t bring myself to agree immediately.

''“Sanae, what is it?”''

“…No, it’s nothing. Hm, Mom might have hidden something from me. There’s no way she would have done something so weird like parade him around as punishment.”

Rooted to the spot, I nodded firmly.

There’s a lot of mysteries.

—Nobody realized the bullying until the hurting.

—After the hurting, Sugawara gained attention as he knelt down in front of the entire school.

—And also, Masaya who killed himself.

Even so, I was slowly approaching the truth of the matter.

As long as I could unravel the mystery, it’d be fine. I could start investigating from the contact I had with Katou. Since Mom’s really involved in this, I could start here. I’ll get close to the crux from many ways.

''“It’s just a bit, but the truth of this matter is going to float. You need to keep working harder, Sanae.”''

Sayo’s encouragement came from the other end of the phone.

To be honest, I was really trying my best to be energetic, but there was some uneasiness. Whenever I approached the truth of this matter, my heart would churn out a feeling I should not have. I could only try my best not to mind it.

Regarding this matter, for every little bit I knew.

I would know more about Masaya.

As this useless older sister, I would—

“Right, I’ll do my best.” But even so, I too made up my mind, “It’s for Masaya’s sake.”

If I kept thinking about the uneasy part, there would be no end to it.”

''“Hm, nice attitude,”'' my childhood friend chuckled, ''“But before that.”''

Sayo thought of something, and said,

''“Sanae, send me the pictures. The pictures.”''

“Hm?”

''“Masaya, his bullied friends, and Taku Sugawara. There should be a group photo or something, right? I do want to have a look. If we’re talking about bullying, the appearance is also an important factor, right?”''

“Ahh, right. Hold on. I’m hanging up.”

I sent the photo to Sayo. The photo of Masaya and friends laughing together, and in a corner of a group photo, Sugawara looking bored as he looked at the lens. The contrast between them was accidental, but I sent the two photos over.

Sayo quickly responded.

I picked up the phone, and she spoke with a tone far more serious as compared to usual.

Which was,

''“I met him before.”''

She said.

Of course, I asked who she met. Sayo immediately answered,

''“I met Taku Sugawara before…”''

In other words, she was really involved in this matter.

Involved in the revolutionary war of Taku Sugawara.

It was the second day when the mutilated cat carcass was sent to our house

And the message ‘the revolution shall continue’ was attached.

As expected, that thing started.

Slowly, but surely.

<noinclude>
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| Back to [[Tada,_Sore_Dake_de_Yokattan_Desu:Chapter_2|Chapter 2]]
| Return to [[Tada,_Sore_Dake_de_Yokattan_Desu|Main Page]]
| Forward to [[Tada,_Sore_Dake_de_Yokattan_Desu:Chapter_4|Chapter 4]]
|-
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</noinclude>

Kamisu Reina:Volume 2 Reina Kamisu

2019-04-09T05:47:30Z

SighingSlider: /* Chapter 4: Reina Kamisu */

==Chapter 4: Reina Kamisu==

===1===

I have not seen myself in the mirror in years.

Instead of me, the mirror of my dressing table is showing something similar to me. Needless to say, this is not some mechanism that has been built into my antique dressing table, and yet my reflection is missing from the mirror I am looking at right now. The thing that appears from time to time like a visual trick is subdivided in 33 parts which makes it impossible to examine it in its entirety.

The foreign reflection resembling me smiles at me.

"It is futile to loathe me!" the girl within the mirror says with an irritatingly beautiful smile. Again: this is not me but something that visually resembles me. "For I have already been associated with you."

Why did it come to this? She has always been around indeed, but while she hovered over me like a shadow, she did not use to cling to me.

"You seem thoroughly fed up. Do you not think it is time to stop ignoring me and converse with me?" she suggests.

Spare me. Conversing with you means admitting your existence, and admitting you just once means giving in to you. I will not make the mistake of concerning myself with a delusion that has become to real, that can even be explained.

I will not admit the delusion that is you nor will I accept you.

Even if, as a matter of fact, I do not appear in the mirror.

"I may not be able to exist without you, but unlike you, I know why I came to be!"

Do I want to know? There is no need. It is easy enough to deduce the answer, as I already have.

Deduced the answer?

Aah, no, that is not right. I do not know the reason for your existence, because you do not exist to begin with.

I am a rational person who does not suffer from delusions.

"Yes, you do know—"

I do not. I do not hear anything.

"That I exist—"

I do not. I do not know anything.

"After all—

"—When people look at you they see me."

===2===

I find myself in the second music room, playing a song from a movie that came on TV the other day on the piano. The students that have gathered around me let out gasps of joy.

How did I wind up exhibiting my piano skills in an open place like this, anyway?

Obviously because I was asked to.

My classmates wanted to hear me playing the piano, so I started to perform here in the second music room, showcasing the fruits of practicing at home. I originally used the practice room, but my performance became popular among the students to the point that even the teachers got wind of it and, for some reason, suggested to use this room.

Thanks to them, I am now forced to perform day in, day out. Even though I do not plan to become a pianist.

With smooth motions I move from one piano key to the next. Because I have taken lessons since I was a child, playing the piano now feels approximately as natural as writing.

Of course, I did not take lessons because I wanted to.

The music reaches my ear.

It sounds just as boring as always.

Why do they all look so captivated as if I were performing like a first class pianist when I play so poorly? There is no emotion in my music, just raw, mechanical skill. They cannot be moved by something like this. I feel irritated, as if I was watching an apathetic conductor.

After I finish my playing, the audience surrounding the piano give me their applause, some of them even with tears in their eyes. Stop that! This was just a crude performance by a student like you! Without showing a sign of my true thoughts, however, I smile at them and thank them.

"I love that movie!" says Kawai-san, who became president of the student council after me. Of course you do. It was your request, after all.

"...You do?" I smile, again without showing my true thoughts.

"Your performance is so touching, Reina-san."

"Yes, indeed. I wonder why your music turns out so different."

"You are magnificent!"

"Thank you," I say and feel the same thing as always: a one-way mirror is extending around me.

A one-way mirror. A curious mirror that lets me see everything that happens on the other side but does not let them see me.

The girls on the other side are cheerfully chatting with the mirror in front of them, and even though I do not show any reaction whatsoever, they are delighted by the reaction of whatever they see in the mirror. Girls, come to your senses! Do you not see that you are talking with a mirror? What is the point in reacting to your own reactions?

But they feign ignorance and enjoy the conversation.

Everyone except for me, who is standing inside the one-way mirror.

With an unvoiced sigh, I start playing the piano and the girls around me fall silent. I prefer them to just hold their tongues rather than get engrossed in a conversation that I cannot take part in.

As I watch my audience, who think my performance were something special, I ponder. At the end of the day, nobody is interested in me.

Nobody wants me to talk. All they want me to do is nod to them and approve of them. I am not permitted an own will.

I wear a specialized, tailor-made mask for every single one of them, and they love that.

Therefore, I cannot talk about myself.

And yet—even though I have not told them a single thing about me—they act as though they were in an intimate relationship with me.

—Tell me, what do you see in me?

It was a terrible mistake to enroll at the Junseiwa school. I feel that negative phenomenons like my fake reflection or the one-way mirror have been aggravating and getting more frequent ever since I came here.

Hm? Why did I come to this school, anyway?

This is easy to answer. Because my mother wanted it.

In the end, my own will is not to be found anywhere. None of my actions reflect my will. I only move by being pulled by someone.

I focus on playing the piano and shake off my stray thoughts.

As always, the melody sounds empty.

I finish my performance and receive a grand applause.

After being forced to play for more than a full hour, I walked home together with a few students that live in the same direction. I commute to school from home. At the Junseiwa School students are obliged to live in the dormitory if possible, but because of some serious trouble during my time in the middle school section (it should not be difficult to imagine this when considering my current situation), I was allowed to live at home when I graduated to the high school section.

However, because I had been separated from my family for three years (except for holidays, of course) the distance between us had become insurmountable. My position in our family had always been unstable, but now they completely and permanently forgot how to treat me as part of it.

They started to treat me like I were fragile.

Having sensed that, I had no other choice but to take the same attitude toward them as to my fellow students, which entailed tailoring masks and looking at my family through a one-way mirror. Only Sakairi-san, our housekeeper, did not treat me like something fragile, but it was still far from normal.

There is no haven for me anymore.

I opened the door, greeted my family, had a mostly wordless dinner and took a bath.

From the three bathrooms we have, I went to the middle-sized one, added in some bath oil and soak in the bath. Our largest bathroom is big enough to accommodate us and our housekeepers and still have space for more, but it is barely ever used by anyone. The larger the bathtub, the longer it takes to fill it with warm water, and the faster it cools down, and the more gas it takes. It is a terribly unpractical bathroom, and with it losing its novelty, its bathtub has deteriorated to a merely big hole. There are many of these useless things in this house. Apparently, the larger a house gets, the more useless things accumulate. Even though maintenance gets costlier.

While showering myself off, I shift my thinking to my future.

What might become of me after high school? Well, I will certainly enroll at a first-class university. But after that?

I would make myself unpopular if I said this aloud, but there are not many things that I cannot become. It might be out of reach for me to become a specialist in something that requires training from an early stage on, like a competitive sportsman, but I am confident that I would be admitted by any university and I am just as confident that I would be hired by any company. I might even be able to make my way into the show business and become an actress or a singer, something that everyone dreams of but gives up on.

My mask can be customized to deliver the best performance in any job, and from experience I know that it performs outstandingly well.

However, I think. What do I want to become?

This may seem like a problem that everyone has, but my question is of a different nature. I believe most people know that they would like to become, but are either too embarrassed to talk about it, have set their goal too high, or are frankly not that bent on it.

I, on the other hand, can think of absolutely nothing that I would want to become. Not in the slightest. All I ever do is standing still in a white realm without a horizon, waiting idly for something to arrive because there is nowhere to go, and simply reacting to whatever is happening before my eyes.

Yes, even though I have the sense to do anything, I cannot become anything.

Powerless. Meaningless. Worthless. Yes, I do not have anything.

Maybe I should just die, then?

Die? Why?

I do not know, which is why I will probably not die.

Still gloomy, I leave the bathroom and go to our video room to watch a DVD. I have not decided on a certain DVD, but because my father has the habit of buying several DVDs every month despite not watching them, there are plenty of movies that I have not seen yet.

By the way, I do not study much when I am at home. Since the speed of teaching is adjusted according to the average of the class, it tends to be slow for me despite the reputation of the Junseiwa School. I repeat old knowledge and prepare for the new things in the spare time during my classes.

Efficient? Certainly. But I do not know for what sake.

When I enter the video room, I find that I am not alone.

"Ryoji-san."

I call his name and he turns around to me.

"Oh, it's you?" he says briefly and looks away.

I have changed into my pajamas. I am not concealing my body with a single bath towel. And yet, Ryoji-san averted his eyes in a way that I consider is unnatural for family, at least in my definition of the word "family."

But he has always been like that.

Ryoji-san is always averting his eyes from me. He only sees the parts of me that he likes to see.

When I wear my pajamas, I remind him that we are family, which is why he does not like to see me like this. He has shown signs of feeling attracted to me in a non-family manner and thus seems to have difficulty getting along with the other sex. Is he interested in me as a love interest? While I do not believe that is as simple as that, it might be something close to it. Ryoji-san is suffering from an inferiority complex that can be attributed to overestimating me by looking at me through rose-colored glasses of admiration. Most likely, he does not know the true shape of his feelings for me himself, so I do not know anything else, either.

"Want to watch something? I'm only trying to pass my time, so I can go if you want."

It does not seem like he is trying to be reserved; he really is just passing his time. He has a liking for action movies because they keep him awake and are therefore suitable as a way to pass time, which is the only meaning he sees in watching movies. Even now he is watching some Hollywood movie that is mostly known for its tremendous production costs.

"It is the same for me. Do not mind me."

"Uh-huh," he mutters without even looking at me. Not that it bothers me, but why does it not occur to him that we could also watch the movie "together"?

Slightly curious about his attitude, I decide to ask, "Ryoji-san?"

"Hm?"

"What do you think is bothering me about you, Ryoji-san?"

Fairly surprised, he looks away from the screen and gazes at me. After pondering for a while, he replies, "Before I can answer this question, I need to think about the reason why you asked it."

"Yes."

"Your question makes me think that I'm less worth than you. That you are blaming me."

"Yes."

"However, you are able to predict my reaction and thus would not pose this question lightly. In other words, the true answer is more complicated."

"Yes."

Like this, he keeps complicating the intention of my question. I must commend him for his excellent imagination, but he clearly lacks the ability to tell apart right from wrong.

The answer is much simpler: Why do I have to be so polite even though we are siblings?

I suppose I am to blame for that, but you do not give me another choice because this is how you want me to treat you.

In the end, you have no clue what I want from you.

Dear brother, what do you see in me?

And this is how I spend my time, finding no rest in anyone's presence.

I enter my room and can finally be alone.

However, there is no rest even when I am alone.

The thing inside the big mirror of my dressing table is watching me.

I ignore it and quickly finish my homework. I then continue reading an interesting foreign novel in its original language, armed with an electronic dictionary on the table.

"Admit it."

What is un avocat again? Ah, of course, a lawyer.

"You are smart. You should have noticed by now that I am only telling the truth."

...So do I hear this voice even without looking in the mirror now? I sigh and perk up my ears. But I still have my novel open. Because I have not admitted anything.

"No one is looking at you. All they see is someone else."

Someone else? Certainly, they are not looking at me, but at themselves in the one-way mirror.

"And that someone else is me."

But why should that be you?

—Wait!

People are not looking at me but at the one-way mirror that is surrounding me.

At the mirror.

And that mirror is showing you?

Oh, the irony—

—When I look in the mirror, all I see is you as well.

"I will now talk to myself," I say, alone with myself in my room. Of course I am talking to myself. "Mind you, this is a soliloquy. I am not talking to anyone. I do not expect an answer, and even if I feel that I heard one, I will ignore it."

The thing in the mirror that resembles me remains silent. No ... Again, there is no one here besides me.

"Yes, I do get the impression that no one is looking at me. I sometimes even feel that they see something else instead of me."

The room is dead silent.

"But that is only because I have many faces. Because I make use of more than 30 masks to enact the role of a flawless beauty. I am certainly more skilled at using masks than an ordinary person, sometimes to the point that I forget which my real face is, but ultimately everyone uses masks. In psychology, there is a concept called persona. Human beings are thought to create a personality, or a persona, specialized for socializing. I simply happen to use personae more frequently than an ordinary person."

I am able to explain why I feel that others do not seem to look at me like this. It is absurd that my masks would get out of control and get a life of their own, let alone become visible to anyone else.

Exactly. This is a satisfying explanation that is clearly correct and in line with common sense.

But there is one problem.

The fact that I explained it to myself.

Obviously, I know what I just explained. I think it is absurd to see someone else in the mirror.

And yet, I can see the girl inside the mirror.

"But you are beautiful," she says in a voice almost the same, and thus essentially different, as mine

Ironically, the more rational I get, the more I realize that she is not a mere illusion. No, am I not contradicting myself with this very train of thought?

I do not know.

"You are beautiful like me."

I do not know, but I heard her voice.

"And you are aware of your beauty."

She says something that would not even occur to me. That would not even occur to me. In other words, if she were just a delusion, she could not have said it.

In utter surprise, a question slips out of my mouth:

"What ... What are you talking about?"

No! I think, but it is already too late.

This cannot be undone.

I talked to her.

And thus—I subconsciously admitted her existence.

===3===

Her gaze pierced through the one-way mirror all the way to me.

Surprised by this now unfamiliar feeling, I found myself looking at her before I knew it.

Mitsui-san...?

She is not looking at me anymore, but I am looking at her and even paused putting my schoolbooks into my bag.

What was that? Did I see things?

"...Reina-san? What's wrong?" Kawai-san, who has come all the way to my classroom just to hear my performance, asks suspiciously.

"...No, never mind," I answer wearing my mask again, but it seems like Kawai-san has already realized that my surprise was a special sign.

After our short exchange, I notice that Mitsui-san has already left the room.

"Excuse me, Kawai-san, but there is something I need to take care of at home, so I would rather not play the piano today."

"Huh? Ah, yes ... of course, if you are busy."

With these words, I bow my head to her and secretly pursue Mitsui-san. She has not joined any club and does not seem to have a lot of friends, so often goes straight home. I hurry to the shoe lockers.

I found her.

While she is busy changing into her outdoor shoes, I walk up to her. Noticing that someone is approaching, she turns to me.

"Kamisu-san...? Is something wrong?"

"No, I was just in a little hurry because of a pressing matter," I explain and observe her. In an unobstrusive manner, of course.

Aah, it is as I thought.

Mitsui-san is looking at me right through the mirror. There is no doubting it.

"...Goodbye then, Kamisu-san."

"Goodbye."

I part with her in a natural manner.

It feels like it has been a long time since someone other than Sakairi-san last saw me, not "her". Mitsui-san did still project something else on me, so it is still far from sufficient, but she is definitely different from Kawai-san and the others, who are entirely blind of me.

...But why Mitsui-san?

I am not particularly intimate with her. Well, I am not intimate with anyone, but she is one of the people who barely have any contact with me. She is just a classmate.

Is the answer hidden in her nature, then? She is a very aggressive person because of her vulnerability. She believes that everyone wants to do her harm, which is why she has drawn a defense line to protect herself in the event of a real attack. But ... how is that related to the way she looks at me?

"———"

I try contemplating for a while, but I am entirely lost. There are two less leads.

Besides, is there even a point in finding out?

Perhaps there is none, but now that I have become unable to completely deny "her" existence, it strikes me as important to find a way to discern people who see "her" from those who do not.

If I do not take measures, "she" is going to take me in.

I have not admitted "her" ... I think. But ... as a matter of fact, I accidentally talked to "her". It is as clear as the day that this mistake is going to help "her" to pervade me slowly but surely.

Being taken in by "her". While I do not know if that is a good thing or not, I am neither enlightened enough nor desperate enough to willingly surrender myself to an unknown being.

I suppose I will have to talk to Mitsui-san in person...

I waited on a moment that lent itself to talk with her about it.

However—there was no indication of such a moment to come.

My momentary surprise when first taking notice of Mitsui-san's look turned against me in an unexpected form. Kawai-san, who had astutely observed my slight change, also noticed that Mitsui-san's gaze was different. That would not be an issue in and of itself, but for some reason she mistook Mitsui-san's look as one of scorn.

Because of that, Kawai-san and Mitsui-san have made enemies of each other.

It is impossible for me to disregard Kawai-san's will and become friends with Mitsui-san. As someone who exists for others, I do not have any freedom.

At any rate, it has become difficult for me to approach Mitsui-san.

What should I do? Can I even earn something by approaching her?

I do not know, but ... I feel that it would be wrong not to act when at last I have a reason to.

Therefore, I looked up her address and went there.

Although not as big as ours, the house in which Mitsui-san and her family lived was a quite magnificent brick house and was suitable for a student of the Junseiwa School.

I rang the doorbell and was answered by the lovely voice of a girl, who was probably Mitsui-san's little sister. After I told her why I was here, she briefly said, "The door is open. You may wait inside if you like," and stepped away from the intercom. She must have gone to call her big sister.

Accepting her offer, I walked to the entrance. This would not be necessary in the case of normal houses, but because there was quite a distance between the gate and the entrance, I would have otherwise made Mitsui-san unneeded work.

For a while nobody came. Considering that her sister answered the doorbell, it was possible that they had not employed any housekeepers. They did seem to have their house cleaned from time to time.

While I was gazing at the expensive-looking objects and handicrafts, Mitsui-san arrived and looked at me with blatant bafflement.

"Hello," I said as gently as possible to reduce her caution.

"—Kamisu-san?"

Apparently, my effort to get her guard down ended in a failure, but she was so kind as to take me to her room. Unlike my room, hers was only equipped with the things necessary, which was quite to my liking, and I also praised her for that. After her little sister had brought us some black tea and she had lowered her caution a little, I decided to go ahead and ask her.

"It has come to my attention that you have been watching me in a peculiar manner lately."

Much to my surprise, her expression changed abruptly. Is she aware of the fact that her look is piercing through my one-way mirror? Or is she aware that hers is different from the looks of others?

No ... I suppose not. She has practically been threatened by Kawai-san. She must think that I am blaming her. She is that kind of person.

"Ah, please excuse me. I do not mean to blame you," I assured, trying to calm her down. I also said things to the effect of not intending to attack her and staying on her side, which, for some reason, seemed to surprise her.

Is it so surprising? Even though I am just putting on masks that happen to fit the situation?

This is odd. Does that mean that she was not really looking at me, after all? If she was, then her current attitude makes no sense. Her attitude suggests that she does not know what kind of person I am and what kind of actions I take.

She is not deflected by the one-way mirror and does not see that thing that resembles me. But what if that is all there is to it?

"Ah ... that reminds me, you have not answered my question yet."

Right, what matters is not how she thinks of me but why she is looking at me in this way.

"Your question...?"

"I was wondering why you are watching me."

"T-There's not..." She pauses for a few seconds and continues. "—There's not much to it ... at least I can't put my finger on it."

She seems to be telling the truth.

"You do not not know, either ... I understand."

That means that there was no point in coming here. In that case, I have no business here anymore.

"All right, I think it is time for me to take my leave."

"Mm..."

I stand up and see myself in the mirror.

—No, I see "her" who resembles me.

She is smiling. With a beautiful smile like mine.

Aah—

—It cannot be undone.

The bitterness of biting a coffee bean spreads in my mouth. This bitterness may belong to "her" but it is something different. I don't know this. I don't understand this. I don't admit this. But I do recognize it. I am also aware of the fact that I pretend not knowing the answer. I want to keep feigning ignorance. But now that I can see "her" beautiful smile, I cannot suppress it anymore. I instinctively know what "she" is going to do ... no, what I am going to do using "her", and I also know that it is morally reprehensible. But I cannot control it. There is no one to stop me. I am "she" and "she" keeps accelerating me.

I am not interested in the individual—

—and the individual is not interested in me.

"She" is smiling. "She" is calling me.

＊＊＊

Unable to gain anything from approaching Mitsui-san, I lost to reality.

I face my mirror. I face "her" who resembles me.

"I believe that the evil witch in Snow White lost to herself."

I start to talk to "her".

"Mirrors only reflect. If you ask it who the fairest one of all is, you will only receive the answer you believe yourself. The witch lost faith in being the fairest and thus the mirror answered Snow White. And then she tried to kill her with a poisoned apple."

"But ultimately, even if Snow White had deceased, the mirror would have never again said that the witch was the fairest. It would have continued to say different names, because the witch had admitted Snow White's beauty and with it the possibility of others being more beautiful than herself. The mirror would not have given the answer the doubtful witch sought."

"What might the point of telling me this little allegory be?"

"Mirrors only reflect."

"That is true."

"That means that you are me and I am you."

"You are stating the obvious."

"Yes, so it is impossible to escape from you."

"Yes, because you are longing for me."

"Longing for you? Even though I do not know what you are?"

"You claim not to know what I am? Even though you have a fair grasp of my nature?"

"But I have not understood you entirely. I need an explanation."

"I suppose you do," "she" smiles inside the mirror. "I am a phenomenon."

"What kind of phenomenon?"

"A phenomenon called 'Reina Kamisu.'"

"That is my name."

"Yes, it is. But what else would you call me?"

"Point taken," I smile.

"I am a phenomenon with no powers other than being visible. A phenomenon that can be given a role by naming it."

"But if you are 'visible' then you must be linked to something, right?"

"Yes, I am linked with the Form that is based on beauty."

"The theory of Forms."

"That might be a close term for it."

"Are you independent?"

"To almost no degree. I am dependent on other beings and I lack the ability to reflect and to actively update information. I do, however, have knowledge and I do obtain a consciousness when taking shape."

"The ability to update information?"

"Even I have to adapt in order to persist. For example, when I speak your language, I make use of your knowledge to transform raw information into words. Since my hosts, which are you human beings, are in permanent change, I have no other choice but to change with them."

"In other words, information is what links you with us?"

"This is not everything that it entails, but it certainly is part of it."

"It is difficult to follow you."

"As I said before, I am transforming information into language, so my words are lacking accuracy."

"It is no different for us! I also often feel restricted by the imperfection of words. But that aside ... if you are connected to us in such a way, do we also suffer from any side effects?"

"I suppose that because of my remoteness to your common world view, there is a chance that you might lose it by 'seeing' me." 

"Which means?"

"Your world view is a filter of sorts. By sending information through it, you are able to process data smoothly and without falling into confusion. Did you know that if you are born blind and have a cornea transplanted, you may not be able to see anything even though your eyes are properly functioning?"

"I think I have heard about that."

"Why is that? It is because they cannot process the information gathered by their eyes! People who have been born blind lack the practice of 'seeing' and therefore do not know how to cope with the light sent through the cornea. They cannot filter the information. As a result, they see nothing."

"In other words, by 'seeing' you we are forced to cope with the kind of information that would normally be filtered out by our subconsciousness?"

"Yes. As a result, you might fall into confusion, stand out in the world that is defined by the common world view, and mistake your selection of what information to filter out."

"Has that already happened to me?"

"Who knows?"

"This sounds synonymous to 'insane' to me."

"That is another way to put it."

"Am I insane?"

"I cannot deny that."

"Quite honest, aren't you?"

"However, you have already defined me as true."

"That alone is the truth."

"There is no such thing as universal truth, though."

"Sadly, you are right."

"Well then, let's get to the point. What role have I given to you? Why did I wish for you?"

"Do I even need to say it?"

"I suppose not. After all, you are Reina Kamisu."

"Yes, my role is—you."

"Your role is—me."

"I am the you who you believe has been lost inside others."

"Yes, you are the most perfect and beautiful and inanimate mask I have ever created."

""That is why others will see Reina Kamisu when they look in these eyes.""

"You then wished for me."

"I subconsciously wished for a perfect mask. By obtaining a new self, I wanted to lose my interest in others because they would only ever ignore me."

"Because it would make you relentless."

"Lose my interest in anyone."

"Lose your sympathy for individuals."

"Lose my soul."

"Therefore, my role is—"

"Yes, your role is to go against this world that turned me into this. To be—"

""—a tool of vengeance.""

＊＊＊

I became aware of the being that is Reina Kamisu.

I became aware of my tool of vengeance.

And the moment I became aware, I lost my powerlessness. I was set free from the control of others.

Even better, I am now freer than anyone else and can even soar up to the skies.

I am in a position where I can easily have my will.

After all, I have become one with Reina Kamisu and can freely make use of her.

This is how I use the perfect mask that is Reina Kamisu.

Or perhaps it is how Reina Kamisu uses me.

Either way, all that is left is to head straight for my goal.

Until everything crumbles into dust.

Until I crumble into dust.

===4===

Reina Kamisu is a concept that belongs only to me. Even if the phenomenon can exist by itself now that it has received the name of Reina Kamisu, it is safe to assume that its scope is still limited to myself at this point.

However, the people around me can clearly see Reina Kamisu.

For example, if your view is obstructed by some kind of white haze, you may interpret it as a ghost or as a white cloth, or you do not even bother yourself with the question of what it is at all, but you can see it in any case.

Likewise, other people can clearly see her. The perfect mask I have obtained by losing my soul certainly exists. I may be the only one who interprets her as the phenomenon Reina Kamisu, but they can see something that is different from what I see but that is essentially the same.

For example, it might be yourselves reflected by the one-way mirror.

"I will die in a few days from now."

I say something that can be interpreted in many ways.

"Die?"

"Yes."

"You?"

Which leads Ryoji-san to start puzzling over the deepest meanings of my words. All that is left for me to do is to say the things he wants me to say. I do not get an answer from him. All he can do is present his answers to Reina Kamisu.

Alas, dear brother, with so few hints you cannot get it right!

As always, Ryoji-san engages in fairly solid reasoning and drifts off from the answer more and more.

I say the phrase I prepared for him:

"Go to my room when the time comes."

The mirror is there. Reina Kamisu is there. Of course, she is only visible to me, though.

This is my way of putting a curse on him. A curse that I am afraid he is unable to lift for the time being, for—

"I will die."

—Right. Because I will die.

This will cause him to use Reina Kamisu and aggravate the curse I put on him. There is a low probability that he might notice that it was not really me who he has seen, but if that happens then so be it. It would that he earned himself the right to be released.

"—but only metaphorically."

Right, I may die but Reina Kamisu will not.

And as long as Ryoji-san's own Reina Kamisu does not die, the curse will persist.

Death.

It is a tool that is most useful in the event of controlling someone's heart.

It has a tremendous emotional impact and can even be destructive depending on how you use it.

Death is unavoidable and of equal significance to everyone.

Therefore I decided to take advantage of it.

I start to make preparations.

I start to make preparations, using my Reina Kamisu.

Step by step, my vengeance gets executed.

After school, Mitsui-san called me out. While I do not know what she needs from me, I cannot turn her request down in front of everyone, since I am using Reina Kamisu.

My assumption is that she is seeking for help after being hurt by Kawai-san.

"Is it that you want to come back to our conversation the day before yesterday?"

"...No, that's not it," she says with eyes that do not see Reina Kamisu. They see me, not Reina Kamisu.

I suddenly feel a little unsettled.

Might her missing ability to see Reina Kamisu get in the way of my plan of vengeance? Her words bear far less weight than Reina Kamisu's, so I doubt that anyone would listen to her even if she tried to stop me. If, however, there are more people like Mitsui-san who can see "me" to some degree, they might give an ear to her.

What should I do? What if Mitsui walked around spreading her suspicions?

"After all, there's no bullying or violence. I'm just being hated by everyone. Even if the situation improved superficially, the actual hostility wouldn't disappear."

"Do you think so? I am convinced that this artificial hate would disappear with time once we took care of the problem on a superficial level. After all, it is just the peer pressure that is influencing them."

I fail to come to a conclusion.

For the time being, it might be a good idea to display my influence.

"Besides—I can take care of their hostility deep down, too."

It is but the truth, and Mitsui-san is aware of that.

She is left speechless.

We arrive at the back of the gym where she wanted to take me. The secretary of the student council, Anna Fuyuki, has already been waiting here and seems to be in a state of horrible agitation. It is quite obvious what is going to happen now.

I glance over to Mitsui-san.

Fuyuki-san is not someone who would willingly confess her love, let alone have Mitsui-san, an enemy of Kawai-san's, help her arrange it. That means that Mitsui-san has coerced her into this situation.

Why?

Before I arrive at an answer, however, Fuyuki-san opens her mouth:

"Sorry for ... calling you out to such a place."

"No, I do not mind at all."

I would like to catch a glimpse of Mitsui-san's facial expression, but Reina Kamisu is not allowed to avert her eyes from the earnest girl in front of my eyes.

Is that also part of her plan? No, I doubt she is that scheming.

Fuyuki-san struggles for a long time to let out a single word, but eventually succeeds:

".........I love you."

Her words are extremely powerful. There might be no ill will in them, but they are essentially a threat. If I am basing my threat on my death, she is basing hers on her fragile and honest feelings.

They are so pure that they cannot be easily crushed.

Reina Kamisu fails to reply offhand.

"...I love you," she repeats.

Reina Kamisu manages to respond her pure feelings with a smile.

"Thank you, but I am sorry..."

And crushed them.

She crushed her pure feelings.

"...Thank you...for your time..."

With these words, Fuyuki-san disappears. The Reina Kamisu inside her should be fine, but ... it was a close call.

The total energy of emotions does not change so easily, but their direction does. Especially in cases like this.

Well then—

—Yukimi Mitsui is the greater problem right now.

I look at her. Ah, as I thought.

Her gaze is piercing through Reina Kamisu and reaches me.

"—Why are you looking at me like this?"

"Well, you said that you stayed on my side, didn't you?"

"I did, yes."

"Even if I look at you in this manner?"

"...Yes."

"You know, I noticed something when you promised to stay on my side. And just now I confirmed my assumption through a little experiment.

"Reina Kamisu, you do not have a soul."

No soul.

I did not expect her to figure out that much. Most impressive.

"...No soul? What do you mean?"

I feign ignorance, however, because it might be a wild guess on her part.

I must not readily admit to it. If she has really seen through me, my fears that she might stand in the way of my plan of vengeance could turn out true.

"Oh come on ... Kamisu-san, you're just a pretty shell without any content inside. You can't react in a differentiated manner to our behavior."

Interesting. Referring to me a "shell" is quite an accurate simile. For someone who does not see my content, Reina Kamisu, I certainly must look like an empty shell.

"It's true that I forced Fuyuki-san to confess to you, but her feelings for you are without a doubt real."

"Yes, I know."

"But you shooed her away."

"Shooed her away? Indeed, I was sadly unable to give her my consent, but I think I have replied to her sincerely. Or do you think that I should have beaten around the bush and told her a sweet lie instead, Mitsui-san?"

"No, that's not what I mean."

"What do you mean, then?"

"Looks like you really don't understand. Alright, listen, Fuyuki-san was serious. Do you have the slightest qualms for turning down her honest feelings for you?"

"I do."

I am perfectly aware that I crushed her pure feelings and even had difficulties doing so. However—

"On the surface, that is, right? After all, your sad expression vanished into thin air the moment she left."

—You cannot say that I have feelings of guilt?

"You only managed to bear feelings for a heartfelt confession at the moment when it occurred. The very instant you looked at me, your interest in Fuyuki-san died out!"

"You are over-interpreting things ... no?"

Wrong. It is just as she says. I can no longer explain my way out, but I must.

But I am not able to. Mitsui-san has understood me. By observing others, she has understood what Reina Kamisu is. She correctly assessed me and was convinced of her assessment when she saw my reaction to Fuyuki-san.

Driven into a corner, I make a slip of tongue.

"Or do you perhaps think that every single student at this school would obey if I told them to commit suicide?"

I accidentally tell her part of my plan.

I expected her to deny it. She could not possibly have such a fine understanding of me.

However—Mitsui-san replied without missing a beat:

"They would."

I am at a loss for words.

"I don't know what you plan to do at this school—maybe nothing at all—but I just want you to know that I realized that you're not normal. You're irregular. And you're aware of that more than anyone else. Yes—"

"—You can't be human."

How accurate.

Reina Kamisu is a phenomenon and I am her vessel.

Neither of us is human.

The following day I learned that Fuyuki-san had cut her wrist.

Beyond doubt, that confession was the cause. Fuyuki-san is a precious sacrificial lamb of mine; if I do not take measures, she might turn unusable because she is most likely planning to dissociate herself from me as it is. Do I look for a substitute, do I give up on one sacrifice, or do I get in touch with her and bring her back in order? After some wavering, I decide for the latter.

I walked to her classroom before school started, sneaked a peek inside, and found her sitting at her desk, hanging her head. She was easy to recognize thanks to her friends surrounding her. To my relief, Kawai-san was not among them.

As I enter the room I create a stir. With widened eyes Fuyuki-san notices me and immediately looks away. I suppose this is the natural reaction in this case.

Nonetheless, I walk up to her without hesitation.

"Fuyuki-san."

Surprised that I called her name, her eyes widen once more.

"H-How can I help you?"

"I would like to talk. Can you spare me a moment?"

Fuyuki-san nods a few times with her eyes still rounded.

"Thank you. Then ... yes, would you be so kind as to follow me to the second music room?"

She nods a few times again and follows me.

"Um ... what would you like to talk about?"

While she is waiting for me anxiously, I approach to the piano and sit down on the stool. To my chagrin, I have to admit that I have grown accustomed to this stool.

"How is your wound?" I ask with my gaze turned at her bandage, ignoring her question. I am expected to first worry about her wound.

"Ah ... I was just being stupid ... you don't need to worry about it, Reina-san."

"Please do not say that."

"No, but ... um ... it's not your fault, Reina-san..."

Oh, that is what she worried about? That suits her personality.

"Do not cut yourself anymore, all right?"

"......Yes," she nods hesitantly, which is fully understandable. Every child knows that one should not hurt oneself, and yet Fuyuki-san cut her wrist. She had to.

Fuyuki-san has been suffering enough to find herself in this situation—

—and thus longs for Reina Kamisu.

"...I have come here today, Fuyuki-san, to talk to you about yesterday."

Her face darkens as she hears me say so.

"Allow me to be direct ... Mitsui-san forced you to say it, right?"

After a few moments of hesitation, she replies, "Yes..." and adds, "but—"

"I thought so," I interrupt. I will not let her finish that sentence. "I was unable to properly handle your confession yesterday."

"Huh—?" she gasps and raises her face in surprise.

"I was unable to answer you honestly in the presence of a bystander, let alone the culprit who schemed it."

"W-What do you mean by this?"

I smile and say, "Now, please listen to my real reply: We are both girls, so I am afraid that we cannot become a couple."

"Yes ... I understand."

"However, I can accept your feelings nevertheless."

"W-What...?"

"This is quite difficult to express ... it might be more appropriate to say that I can be by your side while acknowledging your feelings for me. Going out with each other does not quite catch the nuance ... I really cannot think of an accurate term."

Fuyuki-san is left flabbergasted, but as the meaning of my words slowly gets through to her, she starts to blush.

"E-Err—"

"Are you unhappy with that?"

"N-No! By no means! I actually ... I wanted to become like this! Just ... feeling the same for each other ... is enough for me ... well, I guess ... I was dreaming of this kind of ... slightly special relationship."

"Is that so? Excellent," I comment with a smile. I can tell that she is charmed by me. "But have to warn you."

"Y-Yes ... what is it?"

"If possible, you should refrain from telling anyone about this. You understand why, right?"

"Y-Yes, of course."

"So why do we not make it our little secret?"

"—Our little secret..." she mutters with flushed cheeks and replies, "Yes!"

Our secret, yes?

Fufu, I am afraid that is not quite true.

It will be your very own secret, Fuyuki-san.

"Please take good care of Reina Kamisu."

Because—

—I will no longer be around later today.

As I explained to Mitsui-san, it is in my current power to control others. It would be child's play to get rid of Mitsui-san by taking advantage of Kawai-san.

But I did not do it.

Not because I thought it would be cruel. I do not possess human emotions anymore. As she correctly stated, I have lost interest in others.

And yet I did not do it. Even worse, I learned from Fuyuki-san that Mitsui-san was in danger and went there to intervene.

"Why ... why did you save me? I mean, I was so impudent as to say that you're 'not human' yesterday."

Why did I save her?

I wonder why?

I am not sure, but probably—I was happy.

I was happy that someone said I was "not human," that someone truly saw me.

"Did I not promise to be on your side? Besides, to be honest, I would like to avoid that cruel stuff even if I am not human," I explain my way out, because that is the answer she wanted to hear.

Aah, I am empty even in front of her. I am just a shell.

If ... If I met her a little earlier, perhaps I would have not turned into what I am now? No, I suppose there never was room for such an if scenario. I was born with this fate, floated all the way here—and will scatter.

"I'm so jealous."

I was not a little surprised to hear that.

Jealous. It is a word that I hear on a regular basis. However—Mitsui-san said so while understanding me.

"Jealous?"

"Yeah, I'm jealous. I could—do without a soul."

I see...

I finally found out. Why has Mitsui-san been able to look properly at me?

It is because to Mitsui-san, I was her Reina Kamisu.

Everyone sees Reina Kamisu through me, the ideal in the view of the observer.

Mitsui-san said she was jealous of me because I have no soul.

Right. Mitsui-san, too, sees Reina Kamisu through me. She, too, sees her ideal in me. However, I happen to be her very ideal; her Reina Kamisu is practically identical with me. She has no need to see Reina Kamisu because I am close enough.

That is why she could directly observe me.

"I want... I want to become like you, Kamisu-san."

"Do you want me to give you a hand?"

"Huh...?"

I was happy.

I felt accepted for the first time in my life.

Because of that, my facial muscles moved on their own. I have no means of knowing what my face looked like because it was an uncontrolled expression.

I am so happy, therefore let me grant your wish.

Luckily, it is in line with both my plan and the means I am going to employ.

"Oh, erasing your soul is not all that hard, really!"

Right, if Mitsui-san views me as her ideal, then she should be able to interpret a special meaning into my words.

My deep words and my death will guide her to the place she wishes to be.

"I will help you get there!"

Just like the others.

Of course, I have not the slightest idea where that will be.

I stationed Mitsui-san at the second music room where my body will pass during the fall. The only task that remains is to add the girl who has the strongest tendency of seeing Reina Kamisu to my plan.

Where might she be?

Just as I thought so—

"Reina-san!"

She, Kawai-san, called my name.

Nobody is as obsessed with Reina Kamisu and cleanliness as Kawai-san. She was longing for an unstained, beautiful person, and found it in Reina Kamisu.

Ignoring the fact that a person fulfilling her requirements does not exist.

"You have come at the correct time. I was searching for you."

"Is there anything I can help you with?"

"There is something I wanted to tell you," I explain briefly. Not many words are needed anymore in her case.

"Please take good care of Reina Kamisu."

This will make sure that she will pursue Reina Kamisu for the rest of her life. While I do not know where she will find her Reina Kamisu, I have a hunch that—

—it is where I am headed now.

I go to the rooftop.

＊＊＊

Reina Kamisu is already waiting for me when I arrive at the rooftop. She has broken free from the mirror. Well, she has always been right by my side since the moment I admitted her existence.

"Now you only need to fall down from here, is that right?"

"Yes, that will be the last step."

Fortunately, there is no one else here.

No, perhaps we are not alone. Perhaps I am subconsciously ignoring someone.

I do not mind either way as long as it does not impede my plan.

"I do not understand. How does this result in vengeance?" she asks.

"Well, I doubt that your role includes understanding my plan..."

"Would you mind disclosing some of it to me?"

"Sure."

"I am quite sure of this, but let me ask nonetheless. Having Kawai-san, Fuyuki-san and the others follow you into death is not what you consider your vengeance, right?"

"Exactly," I answer while searching for a place where I will fall past the window of the second music room.

"Should I think of your vengeance as something abstract?"

"Abstract...? No, I mean it quite literally. I suppose it can be considered abstract in the sense that it is hard to predict to what degree my plan will prove to be successful."

"...What is your plan, then?"

I shall answer her.

Ah, this tension in my facial muscles—I felt the same tension when talking with Mitsui-san earlier.

Oh, I remember this feeling now.

I am—

"To kill people!"

—laughing.

"Of course, I have no idea how successful my plan will be, but I want to kill people. I want to kill as many of them as possible. But not with ordinary means. I could only kill so many if I built a nuclear bomb. Would it not be a shame if there was no hope to kill more? If possible, I would like to wipe the entire human race from the face of the earth."

"How frightening. But how does falling down from here result in killing people?"

I finally find a good place that can be observed from the second music room. This will make sure that Mitsui-san will also have her soul erased.

"How I am going to kill? It is truly simple," I smile at Reina Kamisu. "I will use you!"

"Use me...?"

"Yes. Mind you, I am not talking about my interpretation of Reina Kamisu, but about your essence, about 'the phenomenon that can become visible.'"

"You want to use me as a weapon? Don't be silly. I have no power by myself. As you said, I am just a phenomenon that can become visible," she argues.

"That is more than enough."

"Poor thing. It seems like you have gone insane for good."

"I will not deny it. But although I may be insane, I can still think logically."

"Lunatics all say that."

I grab the fence. It seems to be stable enough to support my weight.

"What do you think will my fall from here cause?"

"...Let me think. First and foremost, you will die. After that, the people you prepared might end up committing suicide. Some kind of vicious cycle might even ensue ... but eradicating the human race is definitely impossible."

"You are right. I will die, Kawai-san and a few other people will die, and this marks the end of my preparations."

I lean against the fence and look Reina Kamisu straight in the eyes.

"This will allow me to overwrite your information."

Reina Kamisu gazes at me with utter surprise.

"Overwrite my information, you say?"

"Yes."

"Do you mean that you are going to redefine me as a phenomenon that kills people?"

"Exactly!"

"Even in the unlikely event that you succeeded in overwriting my information, what you plan to do would be impossible. Again, my sole power lies in 'becoming visible.' You could just as well tell a human to fly!"

"You do not need any new powers. You are fully capable of killing people as you are now."

"What was that...?"

"I just need to pin you!"

"'Pin me'?"

"At the moment, your shape is so vague that people refer to you by various names like god, angel, or whatnot. I will thus pin you to a single shape, by adding a new condition required to see you."

"Meaning...?"

"I will give you the fixed name Reina Kamisu."

"I do not understand. How does that give me the power to kill?"

"Do you not get my point? If you receive the name Reina Kamisu, you will no longer be just a vague concept but a 'person.'"

"That might be true, but what of it?"

"Your nature entails taking on the role your observer needs the most, right? What if you take on that role as a 'person'? Well, you will become the most important person to that observer. However, ultimately you are nothing more than a phenomenon, and once your observer realizes that, he will despair."

"And that is enough to kill people?"

"At least in the case of those who are desperate enough to seek you. Besides, do not forget that you will become Reina Kamisu. Do you know what this implicates?"

"...No, I don't."

"Nomen est omen. The name is a sign. For example, it is not possible to give you a boy's name because you are the Idea of Female Beauty. Likewise, it is not possible to give you the name of an object like an air conditioner, goggles or a toilet seat.

"However, it is possible to give you the name Reina Kamisu, and the name will bind you to a human appearance.

"And that is not all; there is more to this name. Originally, you are a phenomenon that only has a vague appearance, but you lose this vagueness by receiving the name Reina Kamisu. Your appearance will be reminiscent of me, and so will your nature. Right—"

While laughing I say:

"—the very name of Reina Kamisu will kill people."

"Fairy tales. As a matter of fact, you have not killed a single—" she pauses. "Wait—is that why you made those 'preparations'?"

"Exactly. I will now lead Kawai-san and the others to death. While I cannot predict how many of them will die, my plan is to make them die. To murder them. To attach an image to the name Reina Kamisu."

Reina Kamisu is at a loss for words. However, she quickly recovers and points out, "This is a well-thought-out delusion, but I am afraid that the premise is not established. How do you prove that it is even possible to overwrite my information?"

"Sadly, I have no proof."

"As I thought."

"But it makes sense, no? At the very least, the people I 'prepared' will see you. As Reina Kamisu, of course. Other students of this school or acquaintances of mine might also become able to see you and call you by my name. If so many people start to refer to you as Reina Kamisu, the odds are not too bad for your information to be changed the way I aspire to, right?"

"...I suppose the chances are not zero."

"That is enough for me to take the risk. I will sacrifice my own blood and that of several young girls and pray to create this curse. If that fails, then so be it."

With these words, I climb on the fence and stand on top of it.

I look down.

All I can see is the vicinity of the Junseiwa School, but that is just fine. Ultimately, my own world was no bigger than this, and yet I loathe the entire world. Unreasonable? Why? Isn't that human nature? Isn't it human nature to judge the whole by a part? The world is not kind to me. It is trying to dispose of me. It is ignoring me. That is why I will scatter, cursing anything and everything that belongs to this scenery.

"...You are a horrible person for dragging me into this."

I hear Reina Kamisu's voice behind me.

"Of course. You also belong to the things that I loathe."

"...What?"

"You are also a target of my vengeance, dear Reina Kamisu."

"This makes no sense. You said yourself that I am you and you are me."

"And that is exactly why—"

I bite my lips.

"—I hate you."

"I wanted to see myself in the mirror. You were uncalled-for. I wanted to be normal like everyone else. But—I could not! Because of you! Because of me!"

I am surprised by myself.

My voice is rough with anger? I am irritated? At whom? At Reina Kamisu?

...No. At myself.

I have not lost my feelings and I am actually turning them against myself.

But—

—I decide not to think about the meaning of this.

"I am going to take revenge on you. You will continue to exist for all time as a curse named Reina Kamisu, as a being that torments people."

"...Is that really what you wanted to accomplish?"

I unwittingly turn around to her.

"What do you mean...?"

"You could not see yourself in the mirror, right? You were just as blind to yourself as everyone else, right? Then how on earth would you be able to know what you want?"

"I don't know," I say bluntly and look ahead again, at the world I despise. "All I can do is—loathe this world that shows no understanding for me."

In response, Reina Kamisu whispers:

"If only you realized that everyone has to cope with the mundane feeling of not being understood in some way..."

Shut up.

I do not want to hear that nonsense.

I covered my ears.

And jumped.

＊＊＊

Everything tilts and tilts and tilts—

The despicable sky is colored dark red.

You do not change a bit even now.

I may be able to soar up to you.

But I am damned to fall.

I cannot reach so far.

I can only reach the bottom.

Oh sky!

Oh twilit sky!

Just like the sun that dyes you red every passing day,

I shall continue to dye you red with the blood I spill—

So at least—

—Do not forget me.

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| Back to [[Kamisu Reina:Volume 2 Sakura Kawai|Chapter 3]]
| Return to [[Kamisu Reina Series|Main Page]]
| Forward to [[Kamisu Reina:Volume 2 Epilogue|Epilogue]]
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</noinclude>

Kamisu Reina:Volume 2 Reina Kamisu

2019-04-09T05:44:20Z

SighingSlider: /* Chapter 4: Reina Kamisu */

==Chapter 4: Reina Kamisu==

===1===

I have not seen myself in the mirror in years.

Instead of me, the mirror of my dressing table is showing something similar to me. Needless to say, this is not some mechanism that has been built into my antique dressing table, and yet my reflection is missing from the mirror I am looking at right now. The thing that appears from time to time like a visual trick is subdivided in 33 parts which makes it impossible to examine it in its entirety.

The foreign reflection resembling me smiles at me.

"It is futile to loathe me!" the girl within the mirror says with an irritatingly beautiful smile. Again: this is not me but something that visually resembles me. "For I have already been associated with you."

Why did it come to this? She has always been around indeed, but while she hovered over me like a shadow, she did not use to cling to me.

"You seem thoroughly fed up. Do you not think it is time to stop ignoring me and converse with me?" she suggests.

Spare me. Conversing with you means admitting your existence, and admitting you just once means giving in to you. I will not make the mistake of concerning myself with a delusion that has become to real, that can even be explained.

I will not admit the delusion that is you nor will I accept you.

Even if, as a matter of fact, I do not appear in the mirror.

"I may not be able to exist without you, but unlike you, I know why I came to be!"

Do I want to know? There is no need. It is easy enough to deduce the answer, as I already have.

Deduced the answer?

Aah, no, that is not right. I do not know the reason for your existence, because you do not exist to begin with.

I am a rational person who does not suffer from delusions.

"Yes, you do know—"

I do not. I do not hear anything.

"That I exist—"

I do not. I do not know anything.

"After all—

"—When people look at you they see me."

===2===

I find myself in the second music room, playing a song from a movie that came on TV the other day on the piano. The students that have gathered around me let out gasps of joy.

How did I wind up exhibiting my piano skills in an open place like this, anyway?

Obviously because I was asked to.

My classmates wanted to hear me playing the piano, so I started to perform here in the second music room, showcasing the fruits of practicing at home. I originally used the practice room, but my performance became popular among the students to the point that even the teachers got wind of it and, for some reason, suggested to use this room.

Thanks to them, I am now forced to perform day in, day out. Even though I do not plan to become a pianist.

With smooth motions I move from one piano key to the next. Because I have taken lessons since I was a child, playing the piano now feels approximately as natural as writing.

Of course, I did not take lessons because I wanted to.

The music reaches my ear.

It sounds just as boring as always.

Why do they all look so captivated as if I were performing like a first class pianist when I play so poorly? There is no emotion in my music, just raw, mechanical skill. They cannot be moved by something like this. I feel irritated, as if I was watching an apathetic conductor.

After I finish my playing, the audience surrounding the piano give me their applause, some of them even with tears in their eyes. Stop that! This was just a crude performance by a student like you! Without showing a sign of my true thoughts, however, I smile at them and thank them.

"I love that movie!" says Kawai-san, who became president of the student council after me. Of course you do. It was your request, after all.

"...You do?" I smile, again without showing my true thoughts.

"Your performance is so touching, Reina-san."

"Yes, indeed. I wonder why your music turns out so different."

"You are magnificent!"

"Thank you," I say and feel the same thing as always: a one-way mirror is extending around me.

A one-way mirror. A curious mirror that lets me see everything that happens on the other side but does not let them see me.

The girls on the other side are cheerfully chatting with the mirror in front of them, and even though I do not show any reaction whatsoever, they are delighted by the reaction of whatever they see in the mirror. Girls, come to your senses! Do you not see that you are talking with a mirror? What is the point in reacting to your own reactions?

But they feign ignorance and enjoy the conversation.

Everyone except for me, who is standing inside the one-way mirror.

With an unvoiced sigh, I start playing the piano and the girls around me fall silent. I prefer them to just hold their tongues rather than get engrossed in a conversation that I cannot take part in.

As I watch my audience, who think my performance were something special, I ponder. At the end of the day, nobody is interested in me.

Nobody wants me to talk. All they want me to do is nod to them and approve of them. I am not permitted an own will.

I wear a specialized, tailor-made mask for every single one of them, and they love that.

Therefore, I cannot talk about myself.

And yet—even though I have not told them a single thing about me—they act as though they were in an intimate relationship with me.

—Tell me, what do you see in me?

It was a terrible mistake to enroll at the Junseiwa school. I feel that negative phenomenons like my fake reflection or the one-way mirror have been aggravating and getting more frequent ever since I came here.

Hm? Why did I come to this school, anyway?

This is easy to answer. Because my mother wanted it.

In the end, my own will is not to be found anywhere. None of my actions reflect my will. I only move by being pulled by someone.

I focus on playing the piano and shake off my stray thoughts.

As always, the melody sounds empty.

I finish my performance and receive a grand applause.

After being forced to play for more than a full hour, I walked home together with a few students that live in the same direction. I commute to school from home. At the Junseiwa School students are obliged to live in the dormitory if possible, but because of some serious trouble during my time in the middle school section (it should not be difficult to imagine this when considering my current situation), I was allowed to live at home when I graduated to the high school section.

However, because I had been separated from my family for three years (except for holidays, of course) the distance between us had become insurmountable. My position in our family had always been unstable, but now they completely and permanently forgot how to treat me as part of it.

They started to treat me like I were fragile.

Having sensed that, I had no other choice but to take the same attitude toward them as to my fellow students, which entailed tailoring masks and looking at my family through a one-way mirror. Only Sakairi-san, our housekeeper, did not treat me like something fragile, but it was still far from normal.

There is no haven for me anymore.

I opened the door, greeted my family, had a mostly wordless dinner and took a bath.

From the three bathrooms we have, I went to the middle-sized one, added in some bath oil and soak in the bath. Our largest bathroom is big enough to accommodate us and our housekeepers and still have space for more, but it is barely ever used by anyone. The larger the bathtub, the longer it takes to fill it with warm water, and the faster it cools down, and the more gas it takes. It is a terribly unpractical bathroom, and with it losing its novelty, its bathtub has deteriorated to a merely big hole. There are many of these useless things in this house. Apparently, the larger a house gets, the more useless things accumulate. Even though maintenance gets costlier.

While showering myself off, I shift my thinking to my future.

What might become of me after high school? Well, I will certainly enroll at a first-class university. But after that?

I would make myself unpopular if I said this aloud, but there are not many things that I cannot become. It might be out of reach for me to become a specialist in something that requires training from an early stage on, like a competitive sportsman, but I am confident that I would be admitted by any university and I am just as confident that I would be hired by any company. I might even be able to make my way into the show business and become an actress or a singer, something that everyone dreams of but gives up on.

My mask can be customized to deliver the best performance in any job, and from experience I know that it performs outstandingly well.

However, I think. What do I want to become?

This may seem like a problem that everyone has, but my question is of a different nature. I believe most people know that they would like to become, but are either too embarrassed to talk about it, have set their goal too high, or are frankly not that bent on it.

I, on the other hand, can think of absolutely nothing that I would want to become. Not in the slightest. All I ever do is standing still in a white realm without a horizon, waiting idly for something to arrive because there is nowhere to go, and simply reacting to whatever is happening before my eyes.

Yes, even though I have the sense to do anything, I cannot become anything.

Powerless. Meaningless. Worthless. Yes, I do not have anything.

Maybe I should just die, then?

Die? Why?

I do not know, which is why I will probably not die.

Still gloomy, I leave the bathroom and go to our video room to watch a DVD. I have not decided on a certain DVD, but because my father has the habit of buying several DVDs every month despite not watching them, there are plenty of movies that I have not seen yet.

By the way, I do not study much when I am at home. Since the speed of teaching is adjusted according to the average of the class, it tends to be slow for me despite the reputation of the Junseiwa School. I repeat old knowledge and prepare for the new things in the spare time during my classes.

Efficient? Certainly. But I do not know for what sake.

When I enter the video room, I find that I am not alone.

"Ryoji-san."

I call his name and he turns around to me.

"Oh, it's you?" he says briefly and looks away.

I have changed into my pajamas. I am not concealing my body with a single bath towel. And yet, Ryoji-san averted his eyes in a way that I consider is unnatural for family, at least in my definition of the word "family."

But he has always been like that.

Ryoji-san is always averting his eyes from me. He only sees the parts of me that he likes to see.

When I wear my pajamas, I remind him that we are family, which is why he does not like to see me like this. He has shown signs of feeling attracted to me in a non-family manner and thus seems to have difficulty getting along with the other sex. Is he interested in me as a love interest? While I do not believe that is as simple as that, it might be something close to it. Ryoji-san is suffering from an inferiority complex that can be attributed to overestimating me by looking at me through rose-colored glasses of admiration. Most likely, he does not know the true shape of his feelings for me himself, so I do not know anything else, either.

"Want to watch something? I'm only trying to pass my time, so I can go if you want."

It does not seem like he is trying to be reserved; he really is just passing his time. He has a liking for action movies because they keep him awake and are therefore suitable as a way to pass time, which is the only meaning he sees in watching movies. Even now he is watching some Hollywood movie that is mostly known for its tremendous production costs.

"It is the same for me. Do not mind me."

"Uh-huh," he mutters without even looking at me. Not that it bothers me, but why does it not occur to him that we could also watch the movie "together"?

Slightly curious about his attitude, I decide to ask, "Ryoji-san?"

"Hm?"

"What do you think is bothering me about you, Ryoji-san?"

Fairly surprised, he looks away from the screen and gazes at me. After pondering for a while, he replies, "Before I can answer this question, I need to think about the reason why you asked it."

"Yes."

"Your question makes me think that I'm less worth than you. That you are blaming me."

"Yes."

"However, you are able to predict my reaction and thus would not pose this question lightly. In other words, the true answer is more complicated."

"Yes."

Like this, he keeps complicating the intention of my question. I must commend him for his excellent imagination, but he clearly lacks the ability to tell apart right from wrong.

The answer is much simpler: Why do I have to be so polite even though we are siblings?

I suppose I am to blame for that, but you do not give me another choice because this is how you want me to treat you.

In the end, you have no clue what I want from you.

Dear brother, what do you see in me?

And this is how I spend my time, finding no rest in anyone's presence.

I enter my room and can finally be alone.

However, there is no rest even when I am alone.

The thing inside the big mirror of my dressing table is watching me.

I ignore it and quickly finish my homework. I then continue reading an interesting foreign novel in its original language, armed with an electronic dictionary on the table.

"Admit it."

What is un avocat again? Ah, of course, a lawyer.

"You are smart. You should have noticed by now that I am only telling the truth."

...So do I hear this voice even without looking in the mirror now? I sigh and perk up my ears. But I still have my novel open. Because I have not admitted anything.

"No one is looking at you. All they see is someone else."

Someone else? Certainly, they are not looking at me, but at themselves in the one-way mirror.

"And that someone else is me."

But why should that be you?

—Wait!

People are not looking at me but at the one-way mirror that is surrounding me.

At the mirror.

And that mirror is showing you?

Oh, the irony—

—When I look in the mirror, all I see is you as well.

"I will now talk to myself," I say, alone with myself in my room. Of course I am talking to myself. "Mind you, this is a soliloquy. I am not talking to anyone. I do not expect an answer, and even if I feel that I heard one, I will ignore it."

The thing in the mirror that resembles me remains silent. No ... Again, there is no one here besides me.

"Yes, I do get the impression that no one is looking at me. I sometimes even feel that they see something else instead of me."

The room is dead silent.

"But that is only because I have many faces. Because I make use of more than 30 masks to enact the role of a flawless beauty. I am certainly more skilled at using masks than an ordinary person, sometimes to the point that I forget which my real face is, but ultimately everyone uses masks. In psychology, there is a concept called persona. Human beings are thought to create a personality, or a persona, specialized for socializing. I simply happen to use personae more frequently than an ordinary person."

I am able to explain why I feel that others do not seem to look at me like this. It is absurd that my masks would get out of control and get a life of their own, let alone become visible to anyone else.

Exactly. This is a satisfying explanation that is clearly correct and in line with common sense.

But there is one problem.

The fact that I explained it to myself.

Obviously, I know what I just explained. I think it is absurd to see someone else in the mirror.

And yet, I can see the girl inside the mirror.

"But you are beautiful," she says in a voice almost the same, and thus essentially different, as mine

Ironically, the more rational I get, the more I realize that she is not a mere illusion. No, am I not contradicting myself with this very train of thought?

I do not know.

"You are beautiful like me."

I do not know, but I heard her voice.

"And you are aware of your beauty."

She says something that would not even occur to me. That would not even occur to me. In other words, if she were just a delusion, she could not have said it.

In utter surprise, a question slips out of my mouth:

"What ... What are you talking about?"

No! I think, but it is already too late.

This cannot be undone.

I talked to her.

And thus—I subconsciously admitted her existence.

===3===

Her gaze pierced through the one-way mirror all the way to me.

Surprised by this now unfamiliar feeling, I found myself looking at her before I knew it.

Mitsui-san...?

She is not looking at me anymore, but I am looking at her and even paused putting my schoolbooks into my bag.

What was that? Did I see things?

"...Reina-san? What's wrong?" Kawai-san, who has come all the way to my classroom just to hear my performance, asks suspiciously.

"...No, never mind," I answer wearing my mask again, but it seems like Kawai-san has already realized that my surprise was a special sign.

After our short exchange, I notice that Mitsui-san has already left the room.

"Excuse me, Kawai-san, but there is something I need to take care of at home, so I would rather not play the piano today."

"Huh? Ah, yes ... of course, if you are busy."

With these words, I bow my head to her and secretly pursue Mitsui-san. She has not joined any club and does not seem to have a lot of friends, so often goes straight home. I hurry to the shoe lockers.

I found her.

While she is busy changing into her outdoor shoes, I walk up to her. Noticing that someone is approaching, she turns to me.

"Kamisu-san...? Is something wrong?"

"No, I was just in a little hurry because of a pressing matter," I explain and observe her. In an unobstrusive manner, of course.

Aah, it is as I thought.

Mitsui-san is looking at me right through the mirror. There is no doubting it.

"...Goodbye then, Kamisu-san."

"Goodbye."

I part with her in a natural manner.

It feels like it has been a long time since someone other than Sakairi-san last saw me, not "her". Mitsui-san did still project something else on me, so it is still far from sufficient, but she is definitely different from Kawai-san and the others, who are entirely blind of me.

...But why Mitsui-san?

I am not particularly intimate with her. Well, I am not intimate with anyone, but she is one of the people who barely have any contact with me. She is just a classmate.

Is the answer hidden in her nature, then? She is a very aggressive person because of her vulnerability. She believes that everyone wants to do her harm, which is why she has drawn a defense line to protect herself in the event of a real attack. But ... how is that related to the way she looks at me?

"———"

I try contemplating for a while, but I am entirely lost. There are two less leads.

Besides, is there even a point in finding out?

Perhaps there is none, but now that I have become unable to completely deny "her" existence, it strikes me as important to find a way to discern people who see "her" from those who do not.

If I do not take measures, "she" is going to take me in.

I have not admitted "her" ... I think. But ... as a matter of fact, I accidentally talked to "her". It is as clear as the day that this mistake is going to help "her" to pervade me slowly but surely.

Being taken in by "her". While I do not know if that is a good thing or not, I am neither enlightened enough nor desperate enough to willingly surrender myself to an unknown being.

I suppose I will have to talk to Mitsui-san in person...

I waited on a moment that lent itself to talk with her about it.

However—there was no indication of such a moment to come.

My momentary surprise when first taking notice of Mitsui-san's look turned against me in an unexpected form. Kawai-san, who had astutely observed my slight change, also noticed that Mitsui-san's gaze was different. That would not be an issue in and of itself, but for some reason she mistook Mitsui-san's look as one of scorn.

Because of that, Kawai-san and Mitsui-san have made enemies of each other.

It is impossible for me to disregard Kawai-san's will and become friends with Mitsui-san. As someone who exists for others, I do not have any freedom.

At any rate, it has become difficult for me to approach Mitsui-san.

What should I do? Can I even earn something by approaching her?

I do not know, but ... I feel that it would be wrong not to act when at last I have a reason to.

Therefore, I looked up her address and went there.

Although not as big as ours, the house in which Mitsui-san and her family lived was a quite magnificent brick house and was suitable for a student of the Junseiwa School.

I rang the doorbell and was answered by the lovely voice of a girl, who was probably Mitsui-san's little sister. After I told her why I was here, she briefly said, "The door is open. You may wait inside if you like," and stepped away from the intercom. She must have gone to call her big sister.

Accepting her offer, I walked to the entrance. This would not be necessary in the case of normal houses, but because there was quite a distance between the gate and the entrance, I would have otherwise made Mitsui-san unneeded work.

For a while nobody came. Considering that her sister answered the doorbell, it was possible that they had not employed any housekeepers. They did seem to have their house cleaned from time to time.

While I was gazing at the expensive-looking objects and handicrafts, Mitsui-san arrived and looked at me with blatant bafflement.

"Hello," I said as gently as possible to reduce her caution.

"—Kamisu-san?"

Apparently, my effort to get her guard down ended in a failure, but she was so kind as to take me to her room. Unlike my room, hers was only equipped with the things necessary, which was quite to my liking, and I also praised her for that. After her little sister had brought us some black tea and she had lowered her caution a little, I decided to go ahead and ask her.

"It has come to my attention that you have been watching me in a peculiar manner lately."

Much to my surprise, her expression changed abruptly. Is she aware of the fact that her look is piercing through my one-way mirror? Or is she aware that hers is different from the looks of others?

No ... I suppose not. She has practically been threatened by Kawai-san. She must think that I am blaming her. She is that kind of person.

"Ah, please excuse me. I do not mean to blame you," I assured, trying to calm her down. I also said things to the effect of not intending to attack her and staying on her side, which, for some reason, seemed to surprise her.

Is it so surprising? Even though I am just putting on masks that happen to fit the situation?

This is odd. Does that mean that she was not really looking at me, after all? If she was, then her current attitude makes no sense. Her attitude suggests that she does not know what kind of person I am and what kind of actions I take.

She is not deflected by the one-way mirror and does not see that thing that resembles me. But what if that is all there is to it?

"Ah ... that reminds me, you have not answered my question yet."

Right, what matters is not how she thinks of me but why she is looking at me in this way.

"Your question...?"

"I was wondering why you are watching me."

"T-There's not..." She pauses for a few seconds and continues. "—There's not much to it ... at least I can't put my finger on it."

She seems to be telling the truth.

"You do not not know, either ... I understand."

That means that there was no point in coming here. In that case, I have no business here anymore.

"All right, I think it is time for me to take my leave."

"Mm..."

I stand up and see myself in the mirror.

—No, I see "her" who resembles me.

She is smiling. With a beautiful smile like mine.

Aah—

—It cannot be undone.

The bitterness of biting a coffee bean spreads in my mouth. This bitterness may belong to "her" but it is something different. I don't know this. I don't understand this. I don't admit this. But I do recognize it. I am also aware of the fact that I pretend not knowing the answer. I want to keep feigning ignorance. But now that I can see "her" beautiful smile, I cannot suppress it anymore. I instinctively know what "she" is going to do ... no, what I am going to do using "her", and I also know that it is morally reprehensible. But I cannot control it. There is no one to stop me. I am "she" and "she" keeps accelerating me.

I am not interested in the individual—

—and the individual is not interested in me.

"She" is smiling. "She" is calling me.

＊＊＊

Unable to gain anything from approaching Mitsui-san, I lost to reality.

I face my mirror. I face "her" who resembles me.

"I believe that the evil witch in Snow White lost to herself."

I start to talk to "her".

"Mirrors only reflect. If you ask it who the fairest one of all is, you will only receive the answer you believe yourself. The witch lost faith in being the fairest and thus the mirror answered Snow White. And then she tried to kill her with a poisoned apple."

"But ultimately, even if Snow White had deceased, the mirror would have never again said that the witch was the fairest. It would have continued to say different names, because the witch had admitted Snow White's beauty and with it the possibility of others being more beautiful than herself. The mirror would not have given the answer the doubtful witch sought."

"What might the point of telling me this little allegory be?"

"Mirrors only reflect."

"That is true."

"That means that you are me and I am you."

"You are stating the obvious."

"Yes, so it is impossible to escape from you."

"Yes, because you are longing for me."

"Longing for you? Even though I do not know what you are?"

"You claim not to know what I am? Even though you have a fair grasp of my nature?"

"But I have not understood you entirely. I need an explanation."

"I suppose you do," "she" smiles inside the mirror. "I am a phenomenon."

"What kind of phenomenon?"

"A phenomenon called 'Reina Kamisu.'"

"That is my name."

"Yes, it is. But what else would you call me?"

"Point taken," I smile.

"I am a phenomenon with no powers other than being visible. A phenomenon that can be given a role by naming it."

"But if you are 'visible' then you must be linked to something, right?"

"Yes, I am linked with the Form that is based on beauty."

"The theory of Forms."

"That might be a close term for it."

"Are you independent?"

"To almost no degree. I am dependent on other beings and I lack the ability to reflect and to actively update information. I do, however, have knowledge and I do obtain a consciousness when taking shape."

"The ability to update information?"

"Even I have to adapt in order to persist. For example, when I speak your language, I make use of your knowledge to transform raw information into words. Since my hosts, which are you human beings, are in permanent change, I have no other choice but to change with them."

"In other words, information is what links you with us?"

"This is not everything that it entails, but it certainly is part of it."

"It is difficult to follow you."

"As I said before, I am transforming information into language, so my words are lacking accuracy."

"It is no different for us! I also often feel restricted by the imperfection of words. But that aside ... if you are connected to us in such a way, do we also suffer from any side effects?"

"I suppose that because of my remoteness to your common world view, there is a chance that you might lose it by 'seeing' me." 

"Which means?"

"Your world view is a filter of sorts. By sending information through it, you are able to process data smoothly and without falling into confusion. Did you know that if you are born blind and have a cornea transplanted, you may not be able to see anything even though your eyes are properly functioning?"

"I think I have heard about that."

"Why is that? It is because they cannot process the information gathered by their eyes! People who have been born blind lack the practice of 'seeing' and therefore do not know how to cope with the light sent through the cornea. They cannot filter the information. As a result, they see nothing."

"In other words, by 'seeing' you we are forced to cope with the kind of information that would normally be filtered out by our subconsciousness?"

"Yes. As a result, you might fall into confusion, stand out in the world that is defined by the common world view, and mistake your selection of what information to filter out."

"Has that already happened to me?"

"Who knows?"

"This sounds synonymous to 'insane' to me."

"That is another way to put it."

"Am I insane?"

"I cannot deny that."

"Quite honest, aren't you?"

"However, you have already defined me as true."

"That alone is the truth."

"There is no such thing as universal truth, though."

"Sadly, you are right."

"Well then, let's get to the point. What role have I given to you? Why did I wish for you?"

"Do I even need to say it?"

"I suppose not. After all, you are Reina Kamisu."

"Yes, my role is—you."

"Your role is—me."

"I am the you who you believe has been lost inside others."

"Yes, you are the most perfect and beautiful and inanimate mask I have ever created."

""That is why others will see Reina Kamisu when they look in these eyes.""

"You then wished for me."

"I subconsciously wished for a perfect mask. By obtaining a new self, I wanted to lose my interest in others because they would only ever ignore me."

"Because it would make you relentless."

"Lose my interest in anyone."

"Lose your sympathy for individuals."

"Lose my soul."

"Therefore, my role is—"

"Yes, your role is to go against this world that turned me into this. To be—"

""—a tool of vengeance.""

＊＊＊

I became aware of the being that is Reina Kamisu.

I became aware of my tool of vengeance.

And the moment I became aware, I lost my powerlessness. I was set free from the control of others.

Even better, I am now freer than anyone else and can even soar up to the skies.

I am in a position where I can easily have my will.

After all, I have become one with Reina Kamisu and can freely make use of her.

This is how I use the perfect mask that is Reina Kamisu.

Or perhaps it is how Reina Kamisu uses me.

Either way, all that is left is to head straight for my goal.

Until everything crumbles into dust.

Until I crumble into dust.

===4===

Reina Kamisu is a concept that belongs only to me. Even if the phenomenon can exist by itself now that it has received the name of Reina Kamisu, it is safe to assume that its scope is still limited to myself at this point.

However, the people around me can clearly see Reina Kamisu.

For example, if your view is obstructed by some kind of white haze, you may interpret it as a ghost or as a white cloth, or you do not even bother yourself with the question of what it is at all, but you can see it in any case.

Likewise, other people can clearly see her. The perfect mask I have obtained by losing my soul certainly exists. I may be the only one who interprets her as the phenomenon Reina Kamisu, but they can see something that is different from what I see but that is essentially the same.

For example, it might be yourselves reflected by the one-way mirror.

"I will die in a few days from now."

I say something that can be interpreted in many ways.

"Die?"

"Yes."

"You?"

Which leads Ryoji-san to start puzzling over the deepest meanings of my words. All that is left for me to do is to say the things he wants me to say. I do not get an answer from him. All he can do is present his answers to Reina Kamisu.

Alas, dear brother, with so few hints you cannot get it right!

As always, Ryoji-san engages in fairly solid reasoning and drifts off from the answer more and more.

I say the phrase I prepared for him:

"Go to my room when the time comes."

The mirror is there. Reina Kamisu is there. Of course, she is only visible to me, though.

This is my way of putting a curse on him. A curse that I am afraid he is unable to lift for the time being, for—

"I will die."

—Right. Because I will die.

This will cause him to use Reina Kamisu and aggravate the curse I put on him. There is a low probability that he might notice that it was not really me who he has seen, but if that happens then so be it. It would that he earned himself the right to be released.

"—but only metaphorically."

Right, I may die but Reina Kamisu will not.

And as long as Ryoji-san's own Reina Kamisu does not die, the curse will persist.

Death.

It is a tool that is most useful in the event of controlling someone's heart.

It has a tremendous emotional impact and can even be destructive depending on how you use it.

Death is unavoidable and of equal significance to everyone.

Therefore I decided to take advantage of it.

I start to make preparations.

I start to make preparations, using my Reina Kamisu.

Step by step, my vengeance gets executed.

After school, Mitsui-san called me out. While I do not know what she needs from me, I cannot turn her request down in front of everyone, since I am using Reina Kamisu.

My assumption is that she is seeking for help after being hurt by Kawai-san.

"Is it that you want to come back to our conversation the day before yesterday?"

"...No, that's not it," she says with eyes that do not see Reina Kamisu. They see me, not Reina Kamisu.

I suddenly feel a little unsettled.

Might her missing ability to see Reina Kamisu get in the way of my plan of vengeance? Her words bear far less weight than Reina Kamisu's, so I doubt that anyone would listen to her even if she tried to stop me. If, however, there are more people like Mitsui-san who can see "me" to some degree, they might give an ear to her.

What should I do? What if Mitsui walked around spreading her suspicions?

"After all, there's no bullying or violence. I'm just being hated by everyone. Even if the situation improved superficially, the actual hostility wouldn't disappear."

"Do you think so? I am convinced that this artificial hate would disappear with time once we took care of the problem on a superficial level. After all, it is just the peer pressure that is influencing them."

I fail to come to a conclusion.

For the time being, it might be a good idea to display my influence.

"Besides—I can take care of their hostility deep down, too."

It is but the truth, and Mitsui-san is aware of that.

She is left speechless.

We arrive at the back of the gym where she wanted to take me. The secretary of the student council, Anna Fuyuki, has already been waiting here and seems to be in a state of horrible agitation. It is quite obvious what is going to happen now.

I glance over to Mitsui-san.

Fuyuki-san is not someone who would willingly confess her love, let alone have Mitsui-san, an enemy of Kawai-san's, help her arrange it. That means that Mitsui-san has coerced her into this situation.

Why?

Before I arrive at an answer, however, Fuyuki-san opens her mouth:

"Sorry for ... calling you out to such a place."

"No, I do not mind at all."

I would like to catch a glimpse of Mitsui-san's facial expression, but Reina Kamisu is not allowed to avert her eyes from the earnest girl in front of my eyes.

Is that also part of her plan? No, I doubt she is that scheming.

Fuyuki-san struggles for along time to let out a single word, but eventually succeeds:

".........I love you."

Her words are extremely powerful. There might be no ill will in them, but they are essentially a threat. If I am basing my threat on my death, she is basing hers on her fragile and honest feelings.

They are so pure that they cannot be easily crushed.

Reina Kamisu fails to reply offhand.

"...I love you," she repeats.

Reina Kamisu manages to respond her pure feelings with a smile.

"Thank you, but I am sorry..."

And crushed them.

She crushed her pure feelings.

"...Thank you...for your time..."

With these words, Fuyuki-san disappears. The Reina Kamisu inside her should be fine, but ... it was a close call.

The total energy of emotions does not change so easily, but their direction does. Especially in cases like this.

Well then—

—Yukimi Mitsui is the greater problem right now.

I look at her. Ah, as I thought.

Her gaze is piercing through Reina Kamisu and reaches me.

"—Why are you looking at me like this?"

"Well, you said that you stayed on my side, didn't you?"

"I did, yes."

"Even if I look at you in this manner?"

"...Yes."

"You know, I noticed something when you promised to stay on my side. And just now I confirmed my assumption through a little experiment.

"Reina Kamisu, you do not have a soul."

No soul.

I did not expect her to figure out that much. Most impressive.

"...No soul? What do you mean?"

I feign ignorance, however, because it might be a wild guess on her part.

I must not readily admit to it. If she has really seen through me, my fears that she might stand in the way of my plan of vengeance could turn out true.

"Oh come on ... Kamisu-san, you're just a pretty shell without any content inside. You can't react in a differentiated manner to our behavior."

Interesting. Referring to me a "shell" is quite an accurate simile. For someone who does not see my content, Reina Kamisu, I certainly must look like an empty shell.

"It's true that I forced Fuyuki-san to confess to you, but her feelings for you are without a doubt real."

"Yes, I know."

"But you shooed her away."

"Shooed her away? Indeed, I was sadly unable to give her my consent, but I think I have replied to her sincerely. Or do you think that I should have beaten around the bush and told her a sweet lie instead, Mitsui-san?"

"No, that's not what I mean."

"What do you mean, then?"

"Looks like you really don't understand. Alright, listen, Fuyuki-san was serious. Do you have the slightest qualms for turning down her honest feelings for you?"

"I do."

I am perfectly aware that I crushed her pure feelings and even had difficulties doing so. However—

"On the surface, that is, right? After all, your sad expression vanished into thin air the moment she left."

—You cannot say that I have feelings of guilt?

"You only managed to bear feelings for a heartfelt confession at the moment when it occurred. The very instant you looked at me, your interest in Fuyuki-san died out!"

"You are over-interpreting things ... no?"

Wrong. It is just as she says. I can no longer explain my way out, but I must.

But I am not able to. Mitsui-san has understood me. By observing others, she has understood what Reina Kamisu is. She correctly assessed me and was convinced of her assessment when she saw my reaction to Fuyuki-san.

Driven into a corner, I make a slip of tongue.

"Or do you perhaps think that every single student at this school would obey if I told them to commit suicide?"

I accidentally tell her part of my plan.

I expected her to deny it. She could not possibly have such a fine understanding of me.

However—Mitsui-san replied without missing a beat:

"They would."

I am at a loss for words.

"I don't know what you plan to do at this school—maybe nothing at all—but I just want you to know that I realized that you're not normal. You're irregular. And you're aware of that more than anyone else. Yes—"

"—You can't be human."

How accurate.

Reina Kamisu is a phenomenon and I am her vessel.

Neither of us is human.

The following day I learned that Fuyuki-san had cut her wrist.

Beyond doubt, that confession was the cause. Fuyuki-san is a precious sacrificial lamb of mine; if I do not take measures, she might turn unusable because she is most likely planning to dissociate herself from me as it is. Do I look for a substitute, do I give up on one sacrifice, or do I get in touch with her and bring her back in order? After some wavering, I decide for the latter.

I walked to her classroom before school started, sneaked a peek inside, and found her sitting at her desk, hanging her head. She was easy to recognize thanks to her friends surrounding her. To my relief, Kawai-san was not among them.

As I enter the room I create a stir. With widened eyes Fuyuki-san notices me and immediately looks away. I suppose this is the natural reaction in this case.

Nonetheless, I walk up to her without hesitation.

"Fuyuki-san."

Surprised that I called her name, her eyes widen once more.

"H-How can I help you?"

"I would like to talk. Can you spare me a moment?"

Fuyuki-san nods a few times with her eyes still rounded.

"Thank you. Then ... yes, would you be so kind as to follow me to the second music room?"

She nods a few times again and follows me.

"Um ... what would you like to talk about?"

While she is waiting for me anxiously, I approach to the piano and sit down on the stool. To my chagrin, I have to admit that I have grown accustomed to this stool.

"How is your wound?" I ask with my gaze turned at her bandage, ignoring her question. I am expected to first worry about her wound.

"Ah ... I was just being stupid ... you don't need to worry about it, Reina-san."

"Please do not say that."

"No, but ... um ... it's not your fault, Reina-san..."

Oh, that is what she worried about? That suits her personality.

"Do not cut yourself anymore, all right?"

"......Yes," she nods hesitantly, which is fully understandable. Every child knows that one should not hurt oneself, and yet Fuyuki-san cut her wrist. She had to.

Fuyuki-san has been suffering enough to find herself in this situation—

—and thus longs for Reina Kamisu.

"...I have come here today, Fuyuki-san, to talk to you about yesterday."

Her face darkens as she hears me say so.

"Allow me to be direct ... Mitsui-san forced you to say it, right?"

After a few moments of hesitation, she replies, "Yes..." and adds, "but—"

"I thought so," I interrupt. I will not let her finish that sentence. "I was unable to properly handle your confession yesterday."

"Huh—?" she gasps and raises her face in surprise.

"I was unable to answer you honestly in the presence of a bystander, let alone the culprit who schemed it."

"W-What do you mean by this?"

I smile and say, "Now, please listen to my real reply: We are both girls, so I am afraid that we cannot become a couple."

"Yes ... I understand."

"However, I can accept your feelings nevertheless."

"W-What...?"

"This is quite difficult to express ... it might be more appropriate to say that I can be by your side while acknowledging your feelings for me. Going out with each other does not quite catch the nuance ... I really cannot think of an accurate term."

Fuyuki-san is left flabbergasted, but as the meaning of my words slowly gets through to her, she starts to blush.

"E-Err—"

"Are you unhappy with that?"

"N-No! By no means! I actually ... I wanted to become like this! Just ... feeling the same for each other ... is enough for me ... well, I guess ... I was dreaming of this kind of ... slightly special relationship."

"Is that so? Excellent," I comment with a smile. I can tell that she is charmed by me. "But have to warn you."

"Y-Yes ... what is it?"

"If possible, you should refrain from telling anyone about this. You understand why, right?"

"Y-Yes, of course."

"So why do we not make it our little secret?"

"—Our little secret..." she mutters with flushed cheeks and replies, "Yes!"

Our secret, yes?

Fufu, I am afraid that is not quite true.

It will be your very own secret, Fuyuki-san.

"Please take good care of Reina Kamisu."

Because—

—I will no longer be around later today.

As I explained to Mitsui-san, it is in my current power to control others. It would be child's play to get rid of Mitsui-san by taking advantage of Kawai-san.

But I did not do it.

Not because I thought it would be cruel. I do not possess human emotions anymore. As she correctly stated, I have lost interest in others.

And yet I did not do it. Even worse, I learned from Fuyuki-san that Mitsui-san was in danger and went there to intervene.

"Why ... why did you save me? I mean, I was so impudent as to say that you're 'not human' yesterday."

Why did I save her?

I wonder why?

I am not sure, but probably—I was happy.

I was happy that someone said I was "not human," that someone truly saw me.

"Did I not promise to be on your side? Besides, to be honest, I would like to avoid that cruel stuff even if I am not human," I explain my way out, because that is the answer she wanted to hear.

Aah, I am empty even in front of her. I am just a shell.

If ... If I met her a little earlier, perhaps I would have not turned into what I am now? No, I suppose there never was room for such an if scenario. I was born with this fate, floated all the way here—and will scatter.

"I'm so jealous."

I was not a little surprised to hear that.

Jealous. It is a word that I hear on a regular basis. However—Mitsui-san said so while understanding me.

"Jealous?"

"Yeah, I'm jealous. I could—do without a soul."

I see...

I finally found out. Why has Mitsui-san been able to look properly at me?

It is because to Mitsui-san, I was her Reina Kamisu.

Everyone sees Reina Kamisu through me, the ideal in the view of the observer.

Mitsui-san said she was jealous of me because I have no soul.

Right. Mitsui-san, too, sees Reina Kamisu through me. She, too, sees her ideal in me. However, I happen to be her very ideal; her Reina Kamisu is practically identical with me. She has no need to see Reina Kamisu because I am close enough.

That is why she could directly observe me.

"I want... I want to become like you, Kamisu-san."

"Do you want me to give you a hand?"

"Huh...?"

I was happy.

I felt accepted for the first time in my life.

Because of that, my facial muscles moved on their own. I have no means of knowing what my face looked like because it was an uncontrolled expression.

I am so happy, therefore let me grant your wish.

Luckily, it is in line with both my plan and the means I am going to employ.

"Oh, erasing your soul is not all that hard, really!"

Right, if Mitsui-san views me as her ideal, then she should be able to interpret a special meaning into my words.

My deep words and my death will guide her to the place she wishes to be.

"I will help you get there!"

Just like the others.

Of course, I have not the slightest idea where that will be.

I stationed Mitsui-san at the second music room where my body will pass during the fall. The only task that remains is to add the girl who has the strongest tendency of seeing Reina Kamisu to my plan.

Where might she be?

Just as I thought so—

"Reina-san!"

She, Kawai-san, called my name.

Nobody is as obsessed with Reina Kamisu and cleanliness as Kawai-san. She was longing for an unstained, beautiful person, and found it in Reina Kamisu.

Ignoring the fact that a person fulfilling her requirements does not exist.

"You have come at the correct time. I was searching for you."

"Is there anything I can help you with?"

"There is something I wanted to tell you," I explain briefly. Not many words are needed anymore in her case.

"Please take good care of Reina Kamisu."

This will make sure that she will pursue Reina Kamisu for the rest of her life. While I do not know where she will find her Reina Kamisu, I have a hunch that—

—it is where I am headed now.

I go to the rooftop.

＊＊＊

Reina Kamisu is already waiting for me when I arrive at the rooftop. She has broken free from the mirror. Well, she has always been right by my side since the moment I admitted her existence.

"Now you only need to fall down from here, is that right?"

"Yes, that will be the last step."

Fortunately, there is no one else here.

No, perhaps we are not alone. Perhaps I am subconsciously ignoring someone.

I do not mind either way as long as it does not impede my plan.

"I do not understand. How does this result in vengeance?" she asks.

"Well, I doubt that your role includes understanding my plan..."

"Would you mind disclosing some of it to me?"

"Sure."

"I am quite sure of this, but let me ask nonetheless. Having Kawai-san, Fuyuki-san and the others follow you into death is not what you consider your vengeance, right?"

"Exactly," I answer while searching for a place where I will fall past the window of the second music room.

"Should I think of your vengeance as something abstract?"

"Abstract...? No, I mean it quite literally. I suppose it can be considered abstract in the sense that it is hard to predict to what degree my plan will prove to be successful."

"...What is your plan, then?"

I shall answer her.

Ah, this tension in my facial muscles—I felt the same tension when talking with Mitsui-san earlier.

Oh, I remember this feeling now.

I am—

"To kill people!"

—laughing.

"Of course, I have no idea how successful my plan will be, but I want to kill people. I want to kill as many of them as possible. But not with ordinary means. I could only kill so many if I built a nuclear bomb. Would it not be a shame if there was no hope to kill more? If possible, I would like to wipe the entire human race from the face of the earth."

"How frightening. But how does falling down from here result in killing people?"

I finally find a good place that can be observed from the second music room. This will make sure that Mitsui-san will also have her soul erased.

"How I am going to kill? It is truly simple," I smile at Reina Kamisu. "I will use you!"

"Use me...?"

"Yes. Mind you, I am not talking about my interpretation of Reina Kamisu, but about your essence, about 'the phenomenon that can become visible.'"

"You want to use me as a weapon? Don't be silly. I have no power by myself. As you said, I am just a phenomenon that can become visible," she argues.

"That is more than enough."

"Poor thing. It seems like you have gone insane for good."

"I will not deny it. But although I may be insane, I can still think logically."

"Lunatics all say that."

I grab the fence. It seems to be stable enough to support my weight.

"What do you think will my fall from here cause?"

"...Let me think. First and foremost, you will die. After that, the people you prepared might end up committing suicide. Some kind of vicious cycle might even ensue ... but eradicating the human race is definitely impossible."

"You are right. I will die, Kawai-san and a few other people will die, and this marks the end of my preparations."

I lean against the fence and look Reina Kamisu straight in the eyes.

"This will allow me to overwrite your information."

Reina Kamisu gazes at me with utter surprise.

"Overwrite my information, you say?"

"Yes."

"Do you mean that you are going to redefine me as a phenomenon that kills people?"

"Exactly!"

"Even in the unlikely event that you succeeded in overwriting my information, what you plan to do would be impossible. Again, my sole power lies in 'becoming visible.' You could just as well tell a human to fly!"

"You do not need any new powers. You are fully capable of killing people as you are now."

"What was that...?"

"I just need to pin you!"

"'Pin me'?"

"At the moment, your shape is so vague that people refer to you by various names like god, angel, or whatnot. I will thus pin you to a single shape, by adding a new condition required to see you."

"Meaning...?"

"I will give you the fixed name Reina Kamisu."

"I do not understand. How does that give me the power to kill?"

"Do you not get my point? If you receive the name Reina Kamisu, you will no longer be just a vague concept but a 'person.'"

"That might be true, but what of it?"

"Your nature entails taking on the role your observer needs the most, right? What if you take on that role as a 'person'? Well, you will become the most important person to that observer. However, ultimately you are nothing more than a phenomenon, and once your observer realizes that, he will despair."

"And that is enough to kill people?"

"At least in the case of those who are desperate enough to seek you. Besides, do not forget that you will become Reina Kamisu. Do you know what this implicates?"

"...No, I don't."

"Nomen est omen. The name is a sign. For example, it is not possible to give you a boy's name because you are the Idea of Female Beauty. Likewise, it is not possible to give you the name of an object like an air conditioner, goggles or a toilet seat.

"However, it is possible to give you the name Reina Kamisu, and the name will bind you to a human appearance.

"And that is not all; there is more to this name. Originally, you are a phenomenon that only has a vague appearance, but you lose this vagueness by receiving the name Reina Kamisu. Your appearance will be reminiscent of me, and so will your nature. Right—"

While laughing I say:

"—the very name of Reina Kamisu will kill people."

"Fairy tales. As a matter of fact, you have not killed a single—" she pauses. "Wait—is that why you made those 'preparations'?"

"Exactly. I will now lead Kawai-san and the others to death. While I cannot predict how many of them will die, my plan is to make them die. To murder them. To attach an image to the name Reina Kamisu."

Reina Kamisu is at a loss for words. However, she quickly recovers and points out, "This is a well-thought-out delusion, but I am afraid that the premise is not established. How do you prove that it is even possible to overwrite my information?"

"Sadly, I have no proof."

"As I thought."

"But it makes sense, no? At the very least, the people I 'prepared' will see you. As Reina Kamisu, of course. Other students of this school or acquaintances of mine might also become able to see you and call you by my name. If so many people start to refer to you as Reina Kamisu, the odds are not too bad for your information to be changed the way I aspire to, right?"

"...I suppose the chances are not zero."

"That is enough for me to take the risk. I will sacrifice my own blood and that of several young girls and pray to create this curse. If that fails, then so be it."

With these words, I climb on the fence and stand on top of it.

I look down.

All I can see is the vicinity of the Junseiwa School, but that is just fine. Ultimately, my own world was no bigger than this, and yet I loathe the entire world. Unreasonable? Why? Isn't that human nature? Isn't it human nature to judge the whole by a part? The world is not kind to me. It is trying to dispose of me. It is ignoring me. That is why I will scatter, cursing anything and everything that belongs to this scenery.

"...You are a horrible person for dragging me into this."

I hear Reina Kamisu's voice behind me.

"Of course. You also belong to the things that I loathe."

"...What?"

"You are also a target of my vengeance, dear Reina Kamisu."

"This makes no sense. You said yourself that I am you and you are me."

"And that is exactly why—"

I bite my lips.

"—I hate you."

"I wanted to see myself in the mirror. You were uncalled-for. I wanted to be normal like everyone else. But—I could not! Because of you! Because of me!"

I am surprised by myself.

My voice is rough with anger? I am irritated? At whom? At Reina Kamisu?

...No. At myself.

I have not lost my feelings and I am actually turning them against myself.

But—

—I decide not to think about the meaning of this.

"I am going to take revenge on you. You will continue to exist for all time as a curse named Reina Kamisu, as a being that torments people."

"...Is that really what you wanted to accomplish?"

I unwittingly turn around to her.

"What do you mean...?"

"You could not see yourself in the mirror, right? You were just as blind to yourself as everyone else, right? Then how on earth would you be able to know what you want?"

"I don't know," I say bluntly and look ahead again, at the world I despise. "All I can do is—loathe this world that shows no understanding for me."

In response, Reina Kamisu whispers:

"If only you realized that everyone has to cope with the mundane feeling of not being understood in some way..."

Shut up.

I do not want to hear that nonsense.

I covered my ears.

And jumped.

＊＊＊

Everything tilts and tilts and tilts—

The despicable sky is colored dark red.

You do not change a bit even now.

I may be able to soar up to you.

But I am damned to fall.

I cannot reach so far.

I can only reach the bottom.

Oh sky!

Oh twilit sky!

Just like the sun that dyes you red every passing day,

I shall continue to dye you red with the blood I spill—

So at least—

—Do not forget me.

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| Back to [[Kamisu Reina:Volume 2 Sakura Kawai|Chapter 3]]
| Return to [[Kamisu Reina Series|Main Page]]
| Forward to [[Kamisu Reina:Volume 2 Epilogue|Epilogue]]
|-
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</noinclude>

Kamisu Reina:Volume 2 Reina Kamisu

2019-04-09T05:40:49Z

SighingSlider: /* Chapter 4: Reina Kamisu */

==Chapter 4: Reina Kamisu==

===1===

I have not seen myself in the mirror in years.

Instead of me, the mirror of my dressing table is showing something similar to me. Needless to say, this is not some mechanism that has been built into my antique dressing table, and yet my reflection is missing from the mirror I am looking at right now. The thing that appears from time to time like a visual trick is subdivided in 33 parts which makes it impossible to examine it in its entirety.

The foreign reflection resembling me smiles at me.

"It is futile to loathe me!" the girl within the mirror says with an irritatingly beautiful smile. Again: this is not me but something that visually resembles me. "For I have already been associated with you."

Why did it come to this? She has always been around indeed, but while she hovered over me like a shadow, she did not use to cling to me.

"You seem thoroughly fed up. Do you not think it is time to stop ignoring me and converse with me?" she suggests.

Spare me. Conversing with you means admitting your existence, and admitting you just once means giving in to you. I will not make the mistake of concerning myself with a delusion that has become to real, that can even be explained.

I will not admit the delusion that is you nor will I accept you.

Even if, as a matter of fact, I do not appear in the mirror.

"I may not be able to exist without you, but unlike you, I know why I came to be!"

Do I want to know? There is no need. It is easy enough to deduce the answer, as I already have.

Deduced the answer?

Aah, no, that is not right. I do not know the reason for your existence, because you do not exist to begin with.

I am a rational person who does not suffer from delusions.

"Yes, you do know—"

I do not. I do not hear anything.

"That I exist—"

I do not. I do not know anything.

"After all—

"—When people look at you they see me."

===2===

I find myself in the second music room, playing a song from a movie that came on TV the other day on the piano. The students that have gathered around me let out gasps of joy.

How did I wind up exhibiting my piano skills in an open place like this, anyway?

Obviously because I was asked to.

My classmates wanted to hear me playing the piano, so I started to perform here in the second music room, showcasing the fruits of practicing at home. I originally used the practice room, but my performance became popular among the students to the point that even the teachers got wind of it and, for some reason, suggested to use this room.

Thanks to them, I am now forced to perform day in, day out. Even though I do not plan to become a pianist.

With smooth motions I move from one piano key to the next. Because I have taken lessons since I was a child, playing the piano now feels approximately as natural as writing.

Of course, I did not take lessons because I wanted to.

The music reaches my ear.

It sounds just as boring as always.

Why do they all look so captivated as if I were performing like a first class pianist when I play so poorly? There is no emotion in my music, just raw, mechanical skill. They cannot be moved by something like this. I feel irritated, as if I was watching an apathetic conductor.

After I finish my playing, the audience surrounding the piano give me their applause, some of them even with tears in their eyes. Stop that! This was just a crude performance by a student like you! Without showing a sign of my true thoughts, however, I smile at them and thank them.

"I love that movie!" says Kawai-san, who became president of the student council after me. Of course you do. It was your request, after all.

"...You do?" I smile, again without showing my true thoughts.

"Your performance is so touching, Reina-san."

"Yes, indeed. I wonder why your music turns out so different."

"You are magnificent!"

"Thank you," I say and feel the same thing as always: a one-way mirror is extending around me.

A one-way mirror. A curious mirror that lets me see everything that happens on the other side but does not let them see me.

The girls on the other side are cheerfully chatting with the mirror in front of them, and even though I do not show any reaction whatsoever, they are delighted by the reaction of whatever they see in the mirror. Girls, come to your senses! Do you not see that you are talking with a mirror? What is the point in reacting to your own reactions?

But they feign ignorance and enjoy the conversation.

Everyone except for me, who is standing inside the one-way mirror.

With an unvoiced sigh, I start playing the piano and the girls around me fall silent. I prefer them to just hold their tongues rather than get engrossed in a conversation that I cannot take part in.

As I watch my audience, who think my performance were something special, I ponder. At the end of the day, nobody is interested in me.

Nobody wants me to talk. All they want me to do is nod to them and approve of them. I am not permitted an own will.

I wear a specialized, tailor-made mask for every single one of them, and they love that.

Therefore, I cannot talk about myself.

And yet—even though I have not told them a single thing about me—they act as though they were in an intimate relationship with me.

—Tell me, what do you see in me?

It was a terrible mistake to enroll at the Junseiwa school. I feel that negative phenomenons like my fake reflection or the one-way mirror have been aggravating and getting more frequent ever since I came here.

Hm? Why did I come to this school, anyway?

This is easy to answer. Because my mother wanted it.

In the end, my own will is not to be found anywhere. None of my actions reflect my will. I only move by being pulled by someone.

I focus on playing the piano and shake off my stray thoughts.

As always, the melody sounds empty.

I finish my performance and receive a grand applause.

After being forced to play for more than a full hour, I walked home together with a few students that live in the same direction. I commute to school from home. At the Junseiwa School students are obliged to live in the dormitory if possible, but because of some serious trouble during my time in the middle school section (it should not be difficult to imagine this when considering my current situation), I was allowed to live at home when I graduated to the high school section.

However, because I had been separated from my family for three years (except for holidays, of course) the distance between us had become insurmountable. My position in our family had always been unstable, but now they completely and permanently forgot how to treat me as part of it.

They started to treat me like I were fragile.

Having sensed that, I had no other choice but to take the same attitude toward them as to my fellow students, which entailed tailoring masks and looking at my family through a one-way mirror. Only Sakairi-san, our housekeeper, did not treat me like something fragile, but it was still far from normal.

There is no haven for me anymore.

I opened the door, greeted my family, had a mostly wordless dinner and took a bath.

From the three bathrooms we have, I went to the middle-sized one, added in some bath oil and soak in the bath. Our largest bathroom is big enough to accommodate us and our housekeepers and still have space for more, but it is barely ever used by anyone. The larger the bathtub, the longer it takes to fill it with warm water, and the faster it cools down, and the more gas it takes. It is a terribly unpractical bathroom, and with it losing its novelty, its bathtub has deteriorated to a merely big hole. There are many of these useless things in this house. Apparently, the larger a house gets, the more useless things accumulate. Even though maintenance gets costlier.

While showering myself off, I shift my thinking to my future.

What might become of me after high school? Well, I will certainly enroll at a first-class university. But after that?

I would make myself unpopular if I said this aloud, but there are not many things that I cannot become. It might be out of reach for me to become a specialist in something that requires training from an early stage on, like a competitive sportsman, but I am confident that I would be admitted by any university and I am just as confident that I would be hired by any company. I might even be able to make my way into the show business and become an actress or a singer, something that everyone dreams of but gives up on.

My mask can be customized to deliver the best performance in any job, and from experience I know that it performs outstandingly well.

However, I think. What do I want to become?

This may seem like a problem that everyone has, but my question is of a different nature. I believe most people know that they would like to become, but are either too embarrassed to talk about it, have set their goal too high, or are frankly not that bent on it.

I, on the other hand, can think of absolutely nothing that I would want to become. Not in the slightest. All I ever do is standing still in a white realm without a horizon, waiting idly for something to arrive because there is nowhere to go, and simply reacting to whatever is happening before my eyes.

Yes, even though I have the sense to do anything, I cannot become anything.

Powerless. Meaningless. Worthless. Yes, I do not have anything.

Maybe I should just die, then?

Die? Why?

I do not know, which is why I will probably not die.

Still gloomy, I leave the bathroom and go to our video room to watch a DVD. I have not decided on a certain DVD, but because my father has the habit of buying several DVDs every month despite not watching them, there are plenty of movies that I have not seen yet.

By the way, I do not study much when I am at home. Since the speed of teaching is adjusted according to the average of the class, it tends to be slow for me despite the reputation of the Junseiwa School. I repeat old knowledge and prepare for the new things in the spare time during my classes.

Efficient? Certainly. But I do not know for what sake.

When I enter the video room, I find that I am not alone.

"Ryoji-san."

I call his name and he turns around to me.

"Oh, it's you?" he says briefly and looks away.

I have changed into my pajamas. I am not concealing my body with a single bath towel. And yet, Ryoji-san averted his eyes in a way that I consider is unnatural for family, at least in my definition of the word "family."

But he has always been like that.

Ryoji-san is always averting his eyes from me. He only sees the parts of me that he likes to see.

When I wear my pajamas, I remind him that we are family, which is why he does not like to see me like this. He has shown signs of feeling attracted to me in a non-family manner and thus seems to have difficulty getting along with the other sex. Is he interested in me as a love interest? While I do not believe that is as simple as that, it might be something close to it. Ryoji-san is suffering from an inferiority complex that can be attributed to overestimating me by looking at me through rose-colored glasses of admiration. Most likely, he does not know the true shape of his feelings for me himself, so I do not know anything else, either.

"Want to watch something? I'm only trying to pass my time, so I can go if you want."

It does not seem like he is trying to be reserved; he really is just passing his time. He has a liking for action movies because they keep him awake and are therefore suitable as a way to pass time, which is the only meaning he sees in watching movies. Even now he is watching some Hollywood movie that is mostly known for its tremendous production costs.

"It is the same for me. Do not mind me."

"Uh-huh," he mutters without even looking at me. Not that it bothers me, but why does it not occur to him that we could also watch the movie "together"?

Slightly curious about his attitude, I decide to ask, "Ryoji-san?"

"Hm?"

"What do you think is bothering me about you, Ryoji-san?"

Fairly surprised, he looks away from the screen and gazes at me. After pondering for a while, he replies, "Before I can answer this question, I need to think about the reason why you asked it."

"Yes."

"Your question makes me think that I'm less worth than you. That you are blaming me."

"Yes."

"However, you are able to predict my reaction and thus would not pose this question lightly. In other words, the true answer is more complicated."

"Yes."

Like this, he keeps complicating the intention of my question. I must commend him for his excellent imagination, but he clearly lacks the ability to tell apart right from wrong.

The answer is much simpler: Why do I have to be so polite even though we are siblings?

I suppose I am to blame for that, but you do not give me another choice because this is how you want me to treat you.

In the end, you have no clue what I want from you.

Dear brother, what do you see in me?

And this is how I spend my time, finding no rest in anyone's presence.

I enter my room and can finally be alone.

However, there is no rest even when I am alone.

The thing inside the big mirror of my dressing table is watching me.

I ignore it and quickly finish my homework. I then continue reading an interesting foreign novel in its original language, armed with an electronic dictionary on the table.

"Admit it."

What is un avocat again? Ah, of course, a lawyer.

"You are smart. You should have noticed by now that I am only telling the truth."

...So do I hear this voice even without looking in the mirror now? I sigh and perk up my ears. But I still have my novel open. Because I have not admitted anything.

"No one is looking at you. All they see is someone else."

Someone else? Certainly, they are not looking at me, but at themselves in the one-way mirror.

"And that someone else is me."

But why should that be you?

—Wait!

People are not looking at me but at the one-way mirror that is surrounding me.

At the mirror.

And that mirror is showing you?

Oh, the irony—

—When I look in the mirror, all I see is you as well.

"I will now talk to myself," I say, alone with myself in my room. Of course I am talking to myself. "Mind you, this is a soliloquy. I am not talking to anyone. I do not expect an answer, and even if I feel that I heard one, I will ignore it."

The thing in the mirror that resembles me remains silent. No ... Again, there is no one here besides me.

"Yes, I do get the impression that no one is looking at me. I sometimes even feel that they see something else instead of me."

The room is dead silent.

"But that is only because I have many faces. Because I make use of more than 30 masks to enact the role of a flawless beauty. I am certainly more skilled at using masks than an ordinary person, sometimes to the point that I forget which my real face is, but ultimately everyone uses masks. In psychology, there is a concept called persona. Human beings are thought to create a personality, or a persona, specialized for socializing. I simply happen to use personae more frequently than an ordinary person."

I am able to explain why I feel that others do not seem to look at me like this. It is absurd that my masks would get out of control and get a life of their own, let alone become visible to anyone else.

Exactly. This is a satisfying explanation that is clearly correct and in line with common sense.

But there is one problem.

The fact that I explained it to myself.

Obviously, I know what I just explained. I think it is absurd to see someone else in the mirror.

And yet, I can see the girl inside the mirror.

"But you are beautiful," she says in a voice almost the same, and thus essentially different, as mine

Ironically, the more rational I get, the more I realize that she is not a mere illusion. No, am I not contradicting myself with this very train of thought?

I do not know.

"You are beautiful like me."

I do not know, but I heard her voice.

"And you are aware of your beauty."

She says something that would not even occur to me. That would not even occur to me. In other words, if she were just a delusion, she could not have said it.

In utter surprise, a question slips out of my mouth:

"What ... What are you talking about?"

No! I think, but it is already too late.

This cannot be undone.

I talked to her.

And thus—I subconsciously admitted her existence.

===3===

Her gaze pierced through the one-way mirror all the way to me.

Surprised by this now unfamiliar feeling, I found myself looking at her before I knew it.

Mitsui-san...?

She is not looking at me anymore, but I am looking at her and even paused putting my schoolbooks into my bag.

What was that? Did I see things?

"...Reina-san? What's wrong?" Kawai-san, who has come all the way to my classroom just to hear my performance, asks suspiciously.

"...No, never mind," I answer wearing my mask again, but it seems like Kawai-san has already realized that my surprise was a special sign.

After our short exchange, I notice that Mitsui-san has already left the room.

"Excuse me, Kawai-san, but there is something I need to take care of at home, so I would rather not play the piano today."

"Huh? Ah, yes ... of course, if you are busy."

With these words, I bow my head to her and secretly pursue Mitsui-san. She has not joined any club and does not seem to have a lot of friends, so often goes straight home. I hurry to the shoe lockers.

I found her.

While she is busy changing into her outdoor shoes, I walk up to her. Noticing that someone is approaching, she turns to me.

"Kamisu-san...? Is something wrong?"

"No, I was just in a little hurry because of a pressing matter," I explain and observe her. In an unobstrusive manner, of course.

Aah, it is as I thought.

Mitsui-san is looking at me right through the mirror. There is no doubting it.

"...Goodbye then, Kamisu-san."

"Goodbye."

I part with her in a natural manner.

It feels like it has been a long time since someone other than Sakairi-san last saw me, not "her". Mitsui-san did still project something else on me, so it is still far from sufficient, but she is definitely different from Kawai-san and the others, who are entirely blind of me.

...But why Mitsui-san?

I am not particularly intimate with her. Well, I am not intimate with anyone, but she is one of the people who barely have any contact with me. She is just a classmate.

Is the answer hidden in her nature, then? She is a very aggressive person because of her vulnerability. She believes that everyone wants to do her harm, which is why she has drawn a defense line to protect herself in the event of a real attack. But ... how is that related to the way she looks at me?

"———"

I try contemplating for a while, but I am entirely lost. There are two less leads.

Besides, is there even a point in finding out?

Perhaps there is none, but now that I have become unable to completely deny "her" existence, it strikes me as important to find a way to discern people who see "her" from those who do not.

If I do not take measures, "she" is going to take me in.

I have not admitted "her" ... I think. But ... as a matter of fact, I accidentally talked to "her". It is as clear as the day that this mistake is going to help "her" to pervade me slowly but surely.

Being taken in by "her". While I do not know if that is a good thing or not, I am neither enlightened enough nor desperate enough to willingly surrender myself to an unknown being.

I suppose I will have to talk to Mitsui-san in person...

I waited on a moment that lent itself to talk with her about it.

However—there was no indication of such a moment to come.

My momentary surprise when first taking notice of Mitsui-san's look turned against me in an unexpected form. Kawai-san, who had astutely observed my slight change, also noticed that Mitsui-san's gaze was different. That would not be an issue in and of itself, but for some reason she mistook Mitsui-san's look as one of scorn.

Because of that, Kawai-san and Mitsui-san have made enemies of each other.

It is impossible for me to disregard Kawai-san's will and become friends with Mitsui-san. As someone who exists for others, I do not have any freedom.

At any rate, it has become difficult for me to approach Mitsui-san.

What should I do? Can I even earn something by approaching her?

I do not know, but ... I feel that it would be wrong not to act when at last I have a reason to.

Therefore, I looked up her address and went there.

Although not as big as ours, the house in which Mitsui-san and her family lived was a quite magnificent brick house and was suitable for a student of the Junseiwa School.

I rang the doorbell and was answered by the lovely voice of a girl, who was probably Mitsui-san's little sister. After I told her why I was here, she briefly said, "The door is open. You may wait inside if you like," and stepped away from the intercom. She must have gone to call her big sister.

Accepting her offer, I walked to the entrance. This would not be necessary in the case of normal houses, but because there was quite a distance between the gate and the entrance, I would have otherwise made Mitsui-san unneeded work.

For a while nobody came. Considering that her sister answered the doorbell, it was possible that they had not employed any housekeepers. They did seem to have their house cleaned from time to time.

While I was gazing at the expensive-looking objects and handicrafts, Mitsui-san arrived and looked at me with blatant bafflement.

"Hello," I said as gently as possible to reduce her caution.

"—Kamisu-san?"

Apparently, my effort to get her guard down ended in a failure, but she was so kind as to take me to her room. Unlike my room, hers was only equipped with the things necessary, which was quite to my liking, and I also praised her for that. After her little sister had brought us some black tea and she had lowered her caution a little, I decided to go ahead and ask her.

"It has come to my attention that you have been watching me in a peculiar manner lately."

Much to my surprise, her expression changed abruptly. Is she aware of the fact that her look is piercing through my one-way mirror? Or is she aware that hers is different from the looks of others?

No ... I suppose not. She has practically been threatened by Kawai-san. She must think that I am blaming her. She is that kind of person.

"Ah, please excuse me. I do not mean to blame you," I assured, trying to calm her down. I also said things to the effect of not intending to attack her and staying on her side, which, for some reason, seemed to surprise her.

Is it so surprising? Even though I am just putting on masks that happen to fit the situation?

This is odd. Does that mean that she was not really looking at me, after all? If she was, then her current attitude makes no sense. Her attitude suggests that she does not know what kind of person I am and what kind of actions I take.

She is not deflected by the one-way mirror and does not see that thing that resembles me. But what if that is all there is to it?

"Ah ... that reminds me, you have not answered my question yet."

Right, what matters is not how she thinks of me but why she is looking at me in this way.

"Your question...?"

"I was wondering why you are watching me."

"T-There's not..." She pauses for a few seconds and continues. "—There's not much to it ... at least I can't put my finger on it."

She seems to be telling the truth.

"You do not not know, either ... I understand."

That means that there was no point in coming here. In that case, I have no business here anymore.

"All right, I think it is time for me to take my leave."

"Mm..."

I stand up and see myself in the mirror.

—No, I see "her" who resembles me.

She is smiling. With a beautiful smile like mine.

Aah—

—It cannot be undone.

The bitterness of biting a coffee bean spreads in my mouth. This bitterness may belong to "her" but it is something different. I don't know this. I don't understand this. I don't admit this. But I do recognize it. I am also aware of the fact that I pretend not knowing the answer. I want to keep feigning ignorance. But now that I can see "her" beautiful smile, I cannot suppress it anymore. I instinctively know what "she" is going to do ... no, what I am going to do using "her", and I also know that it is morally reprehensible. But I cannot control it. There is no one to stop me. I am "she" and "she" keeps accelerating me.

I am not interested in the individual—

—and the individual is not interested in me.

"She" is smiling. "She" is calling me.

＊＊＊

Unable to gain anything from approaching Mitsui-san, I lost to reality.

I face my mirror. I face "her" who resembles me.

"I believe that the evil witch in Snow White lost to herself."

I start to talk to "her".

"Mirrors only reflect. If you ask it who the fairest one of all is, you will only receive the answer you believe yourself. The witch lost faith in being the fairest and thus the mirror answered Snow White. And then she tried to kill her with a poisoned apple."

"But ultimately, even if Snow White had deceased, the mirror would have never again said that the witch was the fairest. It would have continued to say different names, because the witch had admitted Snow White's beauty and with it the possibility of others being more beautiful than herself. The mirror would not have given the answer the doubtful witch sought."

"What might the point of telling me this little allegory be?"

"Mirrors only reflect."

"That is true."

"That means that you are me and I am you."

"You are stating the obvious."

"Yes, so it is impossible to escape from you."

"Yes, because you are longing for me."

"Longing for you? Even though I do not know what you are?"

"You claim not to know what I am? Even though you have a fair grasp of my nature?"

"But I have not understood you entirely. I need an explanation."

"I suppose you do," "she" smiles inside the mirror. "I am a phenomenon."

"What kind of phenomenon?"

"A phenomenon called 'Reina Kamisu.'"

"That is my name."

"Yes, it is. But what else would you call me?"

"Point taken," I smile.

"I am a phenomenon with no powers other than being visible. A phenomenon that can be given a role by naming it."

"But if you are 'visible' then you must be linked to something, right?"

"Yes, I am linked with the Form that is based on beauty."

"The theory of Forms."

"That might be a close term for it."

"Are you independent?"

"To almost no degree. I am dependent on other beings and I lack the ability to reflect and to actively update information. I do, however, have knowledge and I do obtain a consciousness when taking shape."

"The ability to update information?"

"Even I have to adapt in order to persist. For example, when I speak your language, I make use of your knowledge to transform raw information into words. Since my hosts, which are you human beings, are in permanent change, I have no other choice but to change with them."

"In other words, information is what links you with us?"

"This is not everything that it entails, but it certainly is part of it."

"It is difficult to follow you."

"As I said before, I am transforming information into language, so my words are lacking accuracy."

"It is no different for us! I also often feel restricted by the imperfection of words. But that aside ... if you are connected to us in such a way, do we also suffer from any side effects?"

"I suppose that because of my remoteness to your common world view, there is a chance that you might lose it by 'seeing' me." 

"Which means?"

"Your world view is a filter of sorts. By sending information through it, you are able to process data smoothly and without falling into confusion. Did you know that if you are born blind and have a cornea transplanted, you may not be able to see anything even though your eyes are properly functioning?"

"I think I have heard about that."

"Why is that? It is because they cannot process the information gathered by their eyes! People who have been born blind lack the practice of 'seeing' and therefore do not know how to cope with the light sent through the cornea. They cannot filter the information. As a result, they see nothing."

"In other words, by 'seeing' you we are forced to cope with the kind of information that would normally be filtered out by our subconsciousness?"

"Yes. As a result, you might fall into confusion, stand out in the world that is defined by the common world view, and mistake your selection of what information to filter out."

"Has that already happened to me?"

"Who knows?"

"This sounds synonymous to 'insane' to me."

"That is another way to put it."

"Am I insane?"

"I cannot deny that."

"Quite honest, aren't you?"

"However, you have already defined me as true."

"That alone is the truth."

"There is no such thing as universal truth, though."

"Sadly, you are right."

"Well then, let's get to the point. What role have I given to you? Why did I wish for you?"

"Do I even need to say it?"

"I suppose not. After all, you are Reina Kamisu."

"Yes, my role is—you."

"Your role is—me."

"I am the you who you believe has been lost inside others."

"Yes, you are the most perfect and beautiful and inanimate mask I have ever created."

""That is why others will see Reina Kamisu when they look in these eyes.""

"You then wished for me."

"I subconsciously wished for a perfect mask. By obtaining a new self, I wanted to lose my interest in others because they would only ever ignore me."

"Because it would make you relentless."

"Lose my interest in anyone."

"Lose your sympathy for individuals."

"Lose my soul."

"Therefore, my role is—"

"Yes, your role is to go against this world that turned me into this. To be—"

""—a tool of vengeance.""

＊＊＊

I became aware of the being that is Reina Kamisu.

I became aware of my tool of vengeance.

And the moment I became aware, I lost my powerlessness. I was set free from the control of others.

Even better, I am now freer than anyone else and can even soar up to the skies.

I am in a position where I can easily have my will.

After all, I have become one with Reina Kamisu and can freely make use of her.

This is how I use the perfect mask that is Reina Kamisu.

Or perhaps it is how Reina Kamisu uses me.

Either way, all that is left is to head straight for my goal.

Until everything crumbles into dust.

Until I crumble into dust.

===4===

Reina Kamisu is a concept that belongs only to me. Even if the phenomenon can exist by itself now that it has received the name of Reina Kamisu, it is safe to assume that its scope is still limited to myself at this point.

However, the people around me can clearly see Reina Kamisu.

For example, if your view is obstructed by some kind of white haze, you may interpret it as a ghost or as a white cloth, or you do not even bother yourself with the question of what it is at all, but you can see it in any case.

Likewise, other people can clearly see her. The perfect mask I have obtained by losing my soul certainly exists. I may be the only one who interprets her as the phenomenon Reina Kamisu, but they can see something that is different from what I see but that is essentially the same.

For example, it might be yourselves reflected by the one-way mirror.

"I will die in a few days from now."

I say something that can be interpreted in many ways.

"Die?"

"Yes."

"You?"

Which leads Ryoji-san to start puzzling over the deepest meanings of my words. All that is left for me to do is to to say the things he wants me to say. I do not get an answer from him. All he can do is present his answers to Reina Kamisu.

Alas, dear brother, with so few hints you cannot get it right!

As always, Ryoji-san engages in fairly solid reasoning and drifts off from the answer more and more.

I say the phrase I prepared for him:

"Go to my room when the time comes."

The mirror is there. Reina Kamisu is there. Of course, she is only visible to me, though.

This is my way of putting a curse on him. A curse that I am afraid he is unable to lift for the time being, for—

"I will die."

—Right. Because I will die.

This will cause him to use Reina Kamisu and aggravate the curse I put on him. There is a low probability that he might notice that it was not really me who he has seen, but if that happens then so be it. It would that he earned himself the right to be released.

"—but only metaphorically."

Right, I may die but Reina Kamisu will not.

And as long as Ryoji-san's own Reina Kamisu does not die, the curse will persist.

Death.

It is a tool that is most useful in the event of controlling someone's heart.

It has a tremendous emotional impact and can even be destructive depending on how you use it.

Death is unavoidable and of equal significance to everyone.

Therefore I decided to take advantage of it.

I start to make preparations.

I start to make preparations, using my Reina Kamisu.

Step by step, my vengeance gets executed.

After school, Mitsui-san called me out. While I do not know what she needs from me, I cannot turn her request down in front of everyone, since I am using Reina Kamisu.

My assumption is that she is seeking for help after being hurt by Kawai-san.

"Is it that you want to come back to our conversation the day before yesterday?"

"...No, that's not it," she says with eyes that do not see Reina Kamisu. They see me, not Reina Kamisu.

I suddenly feel a little unsettled.

Might her missing ability to see Reina Kamisu get in the way of my plan of vengeance? Her words bear far less weight than Reina Kamisu's, so I doubt that anyone would listen to her even if she tried to stop me. If, however, there are more people like Mitsui-san who can see "me" to some degree, they might give an ear to her.

What should I do? What if Mitsui walked around spreading her suspicions?

"After all, there's no bullying or violence. I'm just being hated by everyone. Even if the situation improved superficially, the actual hostility wouldn't disappear."

"Do you think so? I am convinced that this artificial hate would disappear with time once we took care of the problem on a superficial level. After all, it is just the peer pressure that is influencing them."

I fail to come to a conclusion.

For the time being, it might be a good idea to display my influence.

"Besides—I can take care of their hostility deep down, too."

It is but the truth, and Mitsui-san is aware of that.

She is left speechless.

We arrive at the back of the gym where she wanted to take me. The secretary of the student council, Anna Fuyuki, has already been waiting here and seems to be in a state of horrible agitation. It is quite obvious what is going to happen now.

I glance over to Mitsui-san.

Fuyuki-san is not someone who would willingly confess her love, let alone have Mitsui-san, an enemy of Kawai-san's, help her arrange it. That means that Mitsui-san has coerced her into this situation.

Why?

Before I arrive at an answer, however, Fuyuki-san opens her mouth:

"Sorry for ... calling you out to such a place."

"No, I do not mind at all."

I would like to catch a glimpse of Mitsui-san's facial expression, but Reina Kamisu is not allowed to avert her eyes from the earnest girl in front of my eyes.

Is that also part of her plan? No, I doubt she is that scheming.

Fuyuki-san struggles for along time to let out a single word, but eventually succeeds:

".........I love you."

Her words are extremely powerful. There might be no ill will in them, but they are essentially a threat. If I am basing my threat on my death, she is basing hers on her fragile and honest feelings.

They are so pure that they cannot be easily crushed.

Reina Kamisu fails to reply offhand.

"...I love you," she repeats.

Reina Kamisu manages to respond her pure feelings with a smile.

"Thank you, but I am sorry..."

And crushed them.

She crushed her pure feelings.

"...Thank you...for your time..."

With these words, Fuyuki-san disappears. The Reina Kamisu inside her should be fine, but ... it was a close call.

The total energy of emotions does not change so easily, but their direction does. Especially in cases like this.

Well then—

—Yukimi Mitsui is the greater problem right now.

I look at her. Ah, as I thought.

Her gaze is piercing through Reina Kamisu and reaches me.

"—Why are you looking at me like this?"

"Well, you said that you stayed on my side, didn't you?"

"I did, yes."

"Even if I look at you in this manner?"

"...Yes."

"You know, I noticed something when you promised to stay on my side. And just now I confirmed my assumption through a little experiment.

"Reina Kamisu, you do not have a soul."

No soul.

I did not expect her to figure out that much. Most impressive.

"...No soul? What do you mean?"

I feign ignorance, however, because it might be a wild guess on her part.

I must not readily admit to it. If she has really seen through me, my fears that she might stand in the way of my plan of vengeance could turn out true.

"Oh come on ... Kamisu-san, you're just a pretty shell without any content inside. You can't react in a differentiated manner to our behavior."

Interesting. Referring to me a "shell" is quite an accurate simile. For someone who does not see my content, Reina Kamisu, I certainly must look like an empty shell.

"It's true that I forced Fuyuki-san to confess to you, but her feelings for you are without a doubt real."

"Yes, I know."

"But you shooed her away."

"Shooed her away? Indeed, I was sadly unable to give her my consent, but I think I have replied to her sincerely. Or do you think that I should have beaten around the bush and told her a sweet lie instead, Mitsui-san?"

"No, that's not what I mean."

"What do you mean, then?"

"Looks like you really don't understand. Alright, listen, Fuyuki-san was serious. Do you have the slightest qualms for turning down her honest feelings for you?"

"I do."

I am perfectly aware that I crushed her pure feelings and even had difficulties doing so. However—

"On the surface, that is, right? After all, your sad expression vanished into thin air the moment she left."

—You cannot say that I have feelings of guilt?

"You only managed to bear feelings for a heartfelt confession at the moment when it occurred. The very instant you looked at me, your interest in Fuyuki-san died out!"

"You are over-interpreting things ... no?"

Wrong. It is just as she says. I can no longer explain my way out, but I must.

But I am not able to. Mitsui-san has understood me. By observing others, she has understood what Reina Kamisu is. She correctly assessed me and was convinced of her assessment when she saw my reaction to Fuyuki-san.

Driven into a corner, I make a slip of tongue.

"Or do you perhaps think that every single student at this school would obey if I told them to commit suicide?"

I accidentally tell her part of my plan.

I expected her to deny it. She could not possibly have such a fine understanding of me.

However—Mitsui-san replied without missing a beat:

"They would."

I am at a loss for words.

"I don't know what you plan to do at this school—maybe nothing at all—but I just want you to know that I realized that you're not normal. You're irregular. And you're aware of that more than anyone else. Yes—"

"—You can't be human."

How accurate.

Reina Kamisu is a phenomenon and I am her vessel.

Neither of us is human.

The following day I learned that Fuyuki-san had cut her wrist.

Beyond doubt, that confession was the cause. Fuyuki-san is a precious sacrificial lamb of mine; if I do not take measures, she might turn unusable because she is most likely planning to dissociate herself from me as it is. Do I look for a substitute, do I give up on one sacrifice, or do I get in touch with her and bring her back in order? After some wavering, I decide for the latter.

I walked to her classroom before school started, sneaked a peek inside, and found her sitting at her desk, hanging her head. She was easy to recognize thanks to her friends surrounding her. To my relief, Kawai-san was not among them.

As I enter the room I create a stir. With widened eyes Fuyuki-san notices me and immediately looks away. I suppose this is the natural reaction in this case.

Nonetheless, I walk up to her without hesitation.

"Fuyuki-san."

Surprised that I called her name, her eyes widen once more.

"H-How can I help you?"

"I would like to talk. Can you spare me a moment?"

Fuyuki-san nods a few times with her eyes still rounded.

"Thank you. Then ... yes, would you be so kind as to follow me to the second music room?"

She nods a few times again and follows me.

"Um ... what would you like to talk about?"

While she is waiting for me anxiously, I approach to the piano and sit down on the stool. To my chagrin, I have to admit that I have grown accustomed to this stool.

"How is your wound?" I ask with my gaze turned at her bandage, ignoring her question. I am expected to first worry about her wound.

"Ah ... I was just being stupid ... you don't need to worry about it, Reina-san."

"Please do not say that."

"No, but ... um ... it's not your fault, Reina-san..."

Oh, that is what she worried about? That suits her personality.

"Do not cut yourself anymore, all right?"

"......Yes," she nods hesitantly, which is fully understandable. Every child knows that one should not hurt oneself, and yet Fuyuki-san cut her wrist. She had to.

Fuyuki-san has been suffering enough to find herself in this situation—

—and thus longs for Reina Kamisu.

"...I have come here today, Fuyuki-san, to talk to you about yesterday."

Her face darkens as she hears me say so.

"Allow me to be direct ... Mitsui-san forced you to say it, right?"

After a few moments of hesitation, she replies, "Yes..." and adds, "but—"

"I thought so," I interrupt. I will not let her finish that sentence. "I was unable to properly handle your confession yesterday."

"Huh—?" she gasps and raises her face in surprise.

"I was unable to answer you honestly in the presence of a bystander, let alone the culprit who schemed it."

"W-What do you mean by this?"

I smile and say, "Now, please listen to my real reply: We are both girls, so I am afraid that we cannot become a couple."

"Yes ... I understand."

"However, I can accept your feelings nevertheless."

"W-What...?"

"This is quite difficult to express ... it might be more appropriate to say that I can be by your side while acknowledging your feelings for me. Going out with each other does not quite catch the nuance ... I really cannot think of an accurate term."

Fuyuki-san is left flabbergasted, but as the meaning of my words slowly gets through to her, she starts to blush.

"E-Err—"

"Are you unhappy with that?"

"N-No! By no means! I actually ... I wanted to become like this! Just ... feeling the same for each other ... is enough for me ... well, I guess ... I was dreaming of this kind of ... slightly special relationship."

"Is that so? Excellent," I comment with a smile. I can tell that she is charmed by me. "But have to warn you."

"Y-Yes ... what is it?"

"If possible, you should refrain from telling anyone about this. You understand why, right?"

"Y-Yes, of course."

"So why do we not make it our little secret?"

"—Our little secret..." she mutters with flushed cheeks and replies, "Yes!"

Our secret, yes?

Fufu, I am afraid that is not quite true.

It will be your very own secret, Fuyuki-san.

"Please take good care of Reina Kamisu."

Because—

—I will no longer be around later today.

As I explained to Mitsui-san, it is in my current power to control others. It would be child's play to get rid of Mitsui-san by taking advantage of Kawai-san.

But I did not do it.

Not because I thought it would be cruel. I do not possess human emotions anymore. As she correctly stated, I have lost interest in others.

And yet I did not do it. Even worse, I learned from Fuyuki-san that Mitsui-san was in danger and went there to intervene.

"Why ... why did you save me? I mean, I was so impudent as to say that you're 'not human' yesterday."

Why did I save her?

I wonder why?

I am not sure, but probably—I was happy.

I was happy that someone said I was "not human," that someone truly saw me.

"Did I not promise to be on your side? Besides, to be honest, I would like to avoid that cruel stuff even if I am not human," I explain my way out, because that is the answer she wanted to hear.

Aah, I am empty even in front of her. I am just a shell.

If ... If I met her a little earlier, perhaps I would have not turned into what I am now? No, I suppose there never was room for such an if scenario. I was born with this fate, floated all the way here—and will scatter.

"I'm so jealous."

I was not a little surprised to hear that.

Jealous. It is a word that I hear on a regular basis. However—Mitsui-san said so while understanding me.

"Jealous?"

"Yeah, I'm jealous. I could—do without a soul."

I see...

I finally found out. Why has Mitsui-san been able to look properly at me?

It is because to Mitsui-san, I was her Reina Kamisu.

Everyone sees Reina Kamisu through me, the ideal in the view of the observer.

Mitsui-san said she was jealous of me because I have no soul.

Right. Mitsui-san, too, sees Reina Kamisu through me. She, too, sees her ideal in me. However, I happen to be her very ideal; her Reina Kamisu is practically identical with me. She has no need to see Reina Kamisu because I am close enough.

That is why she could directly observe me.

"I want... I want to become like you, Kamisu-san."

"Do you want me to give you a hand?"

"Huh...?"

I was happy.

I felt accepted for the first time in my life.

Because of that, my facial muscles moved on their own. I have no means of knowing what my face looked like because it was an uncontrolled expression.

I am so happy, therefore let me grant your wish.

Luckily, it is in line with both my plan and the means I am going to employ.

"Oh, erasing your soul is not all that hard, really!"

Right, if Mitsui-san views me as her ideal, then she should be able to interpret a special meaning into my words.

My deep words and my death will guide her to the place she wishes to be.

"I will help you get there!"

Just like the others.

Of course, I have not the slightest idea where that will be.

I stationed Mitsui-san at the second music room where my body will pass during the fall. The only task that remains is to add the girl who has the strongest tendency of seeing Reina Kamisu to my plan.

Where might she be?

Just as I thought so—

"Reina-san!"

She, Kawai-san, called my name.

Nobody is as obsessed with Reina Kamisu and cleanliness as Kawai-san. She was longing for an unstained, beautiful person, and found it in Reina Kamisu.

Ignoring the fact that a person fulfilling her requirements does not exist.

"You have come at the correct time. I was searching for you."

"Is there anything I can help you with?"

"There is something I wanted to tell you," I explain briefly. Not many words are needed anymore in her case.

"Please take good care of Reina Kamisu."

This will make sure that she will pursue Reina Kamisu for the rest of her life. While I do not know where she will find her Reina Kamisu, I have a hunch that—

—it is where I am headed now.

I go to the rooftop.

＊＊＊

Reina Kamisu is already waiting for me when I arrive at the rooftop. She has broken free from the mirror. Well, she has always been right by my side since the moment I admitted her existence.

"Now you only need to fall down from here, is that right?"

"Yes, that will be the last step."

Fortunately, there is no one else here.

No, perhaps we are not alone. Perhaps I am subconsciously ignoring someone.

I do not mind either way as long as it does not impede my plan.

"I do not understand. How does this result in vengeance?" she asks.

"Well, I doubt that your role includes understanding my plan..."

"Would you mind disclosing some of it to me?"

"Sure."

"I am quite sure of this, but let me ask nonetheless. Having Kawai-san, Fuyuki-san and the others follow you into death is not what you consider your vengeance, right?"

"Exactly," I answer while searching for a place where I will fall past the window of the second music room.

"Should I think of your vengeance as something abstract?"

"Abstract...? No, I mean it quite literally. I suppose it can be considered abstract in the sense that it is hard to predict to what degree my plan will prove to be successful."

"...What is your plan, then?"

I shall answer her.

Ah, this tension in my facial muscles—I felt the same tension when talking with Mitsui-san earlier.

Oh, I remember this feeling now.

I am—

"To kill people!"

—laughing.

"Of course, I have no idea how successful my plan will be, but I want to kill people. I want to kill as many of them as possible. But not with ordinary means. I could only kill so many if I built a nuclear bomb. Would it not be a shame if there was no hope to kill more? If possible, I would like to wipe the entire human race from the face of the earth."

"How frightening. But how does falling down from here result in killing people?"

I finally find a good place that can be observed from the second music room. This will make sure that Mitsui-san will also have her soul erased.

"How I am going to kill? It is truly simple," I smile at Reina Kamisu. "I will use you!"

"Use me...?"

"Yes. Mind you, I am not talking about my interpretation of Reina Kamisu, but about your essence, about 'the phenomenon that can become visible.'"

"You want to use me as a weapon? Don't be silly. I have no power by myself. As you said, I am just a phenomenon that can become visible," she argues.

"That is more than enough."

"Poor thing. It seems like you have gone insane for good."

"I will not deny it. But although I may be insane, I can still think logically."

"Lunatics all say that."

I grab the fence. It seems to be stable enough to support my weight.

"What do you think will my fall from here cause?"

"...Let me think. First and foremost, you will die. After that, the people you prepared might end up committing suicide. Some kind of vicious cycle might even ensue ... but eradicating the human race is definitely impossible."

"You are right. I will die, Kawai-san and a few other people will die, and this marks the end of my preparations."

I lean against the fence and look Reina Kamisu straight in the eyes.

"This will allow me to overwrite your information."

Reina Kamisu gazes at me with utter surprise.

"Overwrite my information, you say?"

"Yes."

"Do you mean that you are going to redefine me as a phenomenon that kills people?"

"Exactly!"

"Even in the unlikely event that you succeeded in overwriting my information, what you plan to do would be impossible. Again, my sole power lies in 'becoming visible.' You could just as well tell a human to fly!"

"You do not need any new powers. You are fully capable of killing people as you are now."

"What was that...?"

"I just need to pin you!"

"'Pin me'?"

"At the moment, your shape is so vague that people refer to you by various names like god, angel, or whatnot. I will thus pin you to a single shape, by adding a new condition required to see you."

"Meaning...?"

"I will give you the fixed name Reina Kamisu."

"I do not understand. How does that give me the power to kill?"

"Do you not get my point? If you receive the name Reina Kamisu, you will no longer be just a vague concept but a 'person.'"

"That might be true, but what of it?"

"Your nature entails taking on the role your observer needs the most, right? What if you take on that role as a 'person'? Well, you will become the most important person to that observer. However, ultimately you are nothing more than a phenomenon, and once your observer realizes that, he will despair."

"And that is enough to kill people?"

"At least in the case of those who are desperate enough to seek you. Besides, do not forget that you will become Reina Kamisu. Do you know what this implicates?"

"...No, I don't."

"Nomen est omen. The name is a sign. For example, it is not possible to give you a boy's name because you are the Idea of Female Beauty. Likewise, it is not possible to give you the name of an object like an air conditioner, goggles or a toilet seat.

"However, it is possible to give you the name Reina Kamisu, and the name will bind you to a human appearance.

"And that is not all; there is more to this name. Originally, you are a phenomenon that only has a vague appearance, but you lose this vagueness by receiving the name Reina Kamisu. Your appearance will be reminiscent of me, and so will your nature. Right—"

While laughing I say:

"—the very name of Reina Kamisu will kill people."

"Fairy tales. As a matter of fact, you have not killed a single—" she pauses. "Wait—is that why you made those 'preparations'?"

"Exactly. I will now lead Kawai-san and the others to death. While I cannot predict how many of them will die, my plan is to make them die. To murder them. To attach an image to the name Reina Kamisu."

Reina Kamisu is at a loss for words. However, she quickly recovers and points out, "This is a well-thought-out delusion, but I am afraid that the premise is not established. How do you prove that it is even possible to overwrite my information?"

"Sadly, I have no proof."

"As I thought."

"But it makes sense, no? At the very least, the people I 'prepared' will see you. As Reina Kamisu, of course. Other students of this school or acquaintances of mine might also become able to see you and call you by my name. If so many people start to refer to you as Reina Kamisu, the odds are not too bad for your information to be changed the way I aspire to, right?"

"...I suppose the chances are not zero."

"That is enough for me to take the risk. I will sacrifice my own blood and that of several young girls and pray to create this curse. If that fails, then so be it."

With these words, I climb on the fence and stand on top of it.

I look down.

All I can see is the vicinity of the Junseiwa School, but that is just fine. Ultimately, my own world was no bigger than this, and yet I loathe the entire world. Unreasonable? Why? Isn't that human nature? Isn't it human nature to judge the whole by a part? The world is not kind to me. It is trying to dispose of me. It is ignoring me. That is why I will scatter, cursing anything and everything that belongs to this scenery.

"...You are a horrible person for dragging me into this."

I hear Reina Kamisu's voice behind me.

"Of course. You also belong to the things that I loathe."

"...What?"

"You are also a target of my vengeance, dear Reina Kamisu."

"This makes no sense. You said yourself that I am you and you are me."

"And that is exactly why—"

I bite my lips.

"—I hate you."

"I wanted to see myself in the mirror. You were uncalled-for. I wanted to be normal like everyone else. But—I could not! Because of you! Because of me!"

I am surprised by myself.

My voice is rough with anger? I am irritated? At whom? At Reina Kamisu?

...No. At myself.

I have not lost my feelings and I am actually turning them against myself.

But—

—I decide not to think about the meaning of this.

"I am going to take revenge on you. You will continue to exist for all time as a curse named Reina Kamisu, as a being that torments people."

"...Is that really what you wanted to accomplish?"

I unwittingly turn around to her.

"What do you mean...?"

"You could not see yourself in the mirror, right? You were just as blind to yourself as everyone else, right? Then how on earth would you be able to know what you want?"

"I don't know," I say bluntly and look ahead again, at the world I despise. "All I can do is—loathe this world that shows no understanding for me."

In response, Reina Kamisu whispers:

"If only you realized that everyone has to cope with the mundane feeling of not being understood in some way..."

Shut up.

I do not want to hear that nonsense.

I covered my ears.

And jumped.

＊＊＊

Everything tilts and tilts and tilts—

The despicable sky is colored dark red.

You do not change a bit even now.

I may be able to soar up to you.

But I am damned to fall.

I cannot reach so far.

I can only reach the bottom.

Oh sky!

Oh twilit sky!

Just like the sun that dyes you red every passing day,

I shall continue to dye you red with the blood I spill—

So at least—

—Do not forget me.

<noinclude>
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| Back to [[Kamisu Reina:Volume 2 Sakura Kawai|Chapter 3]]
| Return to [[Kamisu Reina Series|Main Page]]
| Forward to [[Kamisu Reina:Volume 2 Epilogue|Epilogue]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Kamisu Reina:Volume 2 Reina Kamisu

2019-04-09T05:39:33Z

SighingSlider: /* Chapter 4: Reina Kamisu */

==Chapter 4: Reina Kamisu==

===1===

I have not seen myself in the mirror in years.

Instead of me, the mirror of my dressing table is showing something similar to me. Needless to say, this is not some mechanism that has been built into my antique dressing table, and yet my reflection is missing from the mirror I am looking at right now. The thing that appears from time to time like a visual trick is subdivided in 33 parts which makes it impossible to examine it in its entirety.

The foreign reflection resembling me smiles at me.

"It is futile to loathe me!" the girl within the mirror says with an irritatingly beautiful smile. Again: this is not me but something that visually resembles me. "For I have already been associated with you."

Why did it come to this? She has always been around indeed, but while she hovered over me like a shadow, she did not use to cling to me.

"You seem thoroughly fed up. Do you not think it is time to stop ignoring me and converse with me?" she suggests.

Spare me. Conversing with you means admitting your existence, and admitting you just once means giving in to you. I will not make the mistake of concerning myself with a delusion that has become to real, that can even be explained.

I will not admit the delusion that is you nor will I accept you.

Even if, as a matter of fact, I do not appear in the mirror.

"I may not be able to exist without you, but unlike you, I know why I came to be!"

Do I want to know? There is no need. It is easy enough to deduce the answer, as I already have.

Deduced the answer?

Aah, no, that is not right. I do not know the reason for your existence, because you do not exist to begin with.

I am a rational person who does not suffer from delusions.

"Yes, you do know—"

I do not. I do not hear anything.

"That I exist—"

I do not. I do not know anything.

"After all—

"—When people look at you they see me."

===2===

I find myself in the second music room, playing a song from a movie that came on TV the other day on the piano. The students that have gathered around me let out gasps of joy.

How did I wind up exhibiting my piano skills in an open place like this, anyway?

Obviously because I was asked to.

My classmates wanted to hear me playing the piano, so I started to perform here in the second music room, showcasing the fruits of practicing at home. I originally used the practice room, but my performance became popular among the students to the point that even the teachers got wind of it and, for some reason, suggested to use this room.

Thanks to them, I am now forced to perform day in, day out. Even though I do not plan to become a pianist.

With smooth motions I move from one piano key to the next. Because I have taken lessons since I was a child, playing the piano now feels approximately as natural as writing.

Of course, I did not take lessons because I wanted to.

The music reaches my ear.

It sounds just as boring as always.

Why do they all look so captivated as if I were performing like a first class pianist when I play so poorly? There is no emotion in my music, just raw, mechanical skill. They cannot be moved by something like this. I feel irritated, as if I was watching an apathetic conductor.

After I finish my playing, the audience surrounding the piano give me their applause, some of them even with tears in their eyes. Stop that! This was just a crude performance by a student like you! Without showing a sign of my true thoughts, however, I smile at them and thank them.

"I love that movie!" says Kawai-san, who became president of the student council after me. Of course you do. It was your request, after all.

"...You do?" I smile, again without showing my true thoughts.

"Your performance is so touching, Reina-san."

"Yes, indeed. I wonder why your music turns out so different."

"You are magnificent!"

"Thank you," I say and feel the same thing as always: a one-way mirror is extending around me.

A one-way mirror. A curious mirror that lets me see everything that happens on the other side but does not let them see me.

The girls on the other side are cheerfully chatting with the mirror in front of them, and even though I do not show any reaction whatsoever, they are delighted by the reaction of whatever they see in the mirror. Girls, come to your senses! Do you not see that you are talking with a mirror? What is the point in reacting to your own reactions?

But they feign ignorance and enjoy the conversation.

Everyone except for me, who is standing inside the one-way mirror.

With an unvoiced sigh, I start playing the piano and the girls around me fall silent. I prefer them to just hold their tongues rather than get engrossed in a conversation that I cannot take part in.

As I watch my audience, who think my performance were something special, I ponder. At the end of the day, nobody is interested in me.

Nobody wants me to talk. All they want me to do is nod to them and approve of them. I am not permitted an own will.

I wear a specialized, tailor-made mask for every single one of them, and they love that.

Therefore, I cannot talk about myself.

And yet—even though I have not told them a single thing about me—they act as though they were in an intimate relationship with me.

—Tell me, what do you see in me?

It was a terrible mistake to enroll at the Junseiwa school. I feel that negative phenomenons like my fake reflection or the one-way mirror have been aggravating and getting more frequent ever since I came here.

Hm? Why did I come to this school, anyway?

This is easy to answer. Because my mother wanted it.

In the end, my own will is not to be found anywhere. None of my actions reflect my will. I only move by being pulled by someone.

I focus on playing the piano and shake off my stray thoughts.

As always, the melody sounds empty.

I finish my performance and receive a grand applause.

After being forced to play for more than a full hour, I walked home together with a few students that live in the same direction. I commute to school from home. At the Junseiwa School students are obliged to live in the dormitory if possible, but because of some serious trouble during my time in the middle school section (it should not be difficult to imagine this when considering my current situation), I was allowed to live at home when I graduated to the high school section.

However, because I had been separated from my family for three years (except for holidays, of course) the distance between us had become insurmountable. My position in our family had always been unstable, but now they completely and permanently forgot how to treat me as part of it.

They started to treat me like I were fragile.

Having sensed that, I had no other choice but to take the same attitude toward them as to my fellow students, which entailed tailoring masks and looking at my family through a one-way mirror. Only Sakairi-san, our housekeeper, did not treat me like something fragile, but it was still far from normal.

There is no haven for me anymore.

I opened the door, greeted my family, had a mostly wordless dinner and took a bath.

From the three bathrooms we have, I went to the middle-sized one, added in some bath oil and soak in the bath. Our largest bathroom is big enough to accommodate us and our housekeepers and still have space for more, but it is barely ever used by anyone. The larger the bathtub, the longer it takes to fill it with warm water, and the faster it cools down, and the more gas it takes. It is a terribly unpractical bathroom, and with it losing its novelty, its bathtub has deteriorated to a merely big hole. There are many of these useless things in this house. Apparently, the larger a house gets, the more useless things accumulate. Even though maintenance gets costlier.

While showering myself off, I shift my thinking to my future.

What might become of me after high school? Well, I will certainly enroll at a first-class university. But after that?

I would make myself unpopular if I said this aloud, but there are not many things that I cannot become. It might be out of reach for me to become a specialist in something that requires training from an early stage on, like a competitive sportsman, but I am confident that I would be admitted by any university and I am just as confident that I would be hired by any company. I might even be able to make my way into the show business and become an actress or a singer, something that everyone dreams of but gives up on.

My mask can be customized to deliver the best performance in any job, and from experience I know that it performs outstandingly well.

However, I think. What do I want to become?

This may seem like a problem that everyone has, but my question is of a different nature. I believe most people know that they would like to become, but are either too embarrassed to talk about it, have set their goal too high, or are frankly not that bent on it.

I, on the other hand, can think of absolutely nothing that I would want to become. Not in the slightest. All I ever do is standing still in a white realm without a horizon, waiting idly for something to arrive because there is nowhere to go, and simply reacting to whatever is happening before my eyes.

Yes, even though I have the sense to do anything, I cannot become anything.

Powerless. Meaningless. Worthless. Yes, I do not have anything.

Maybe I should just die, then?

Die? Why?

I do not know, which is why I will probably not die.

Still gloomy, I leave the bathroom and go to our video room to watch a DVD. I have not decided on a certain DVD, but because my father has the habit of buying several DVDs every month despite not watching them, there are plenty of movies that I have not seen yet.

By the way, I do not study much when I am at home. Since the speed of teaching is adjusted according to the average of the class, it tends to be slow for me despite the reputation of the Junseiwa School. I repeat old knowledge and prepare for the new things in the spare time during my classes.

Efficient? Certainly. But I do not know for what sake.

When I enter the video room, I find that I am not alone.

"Ryoji-san."

I call his name and he turns around to me.

"Oh, it's you?" he says briefly and looks away.

I have changed into my pajamas. I am not concealing my body with a single bath towel. And yet, Ryoji-san averted his eyes in a way that I consider is unnatural for family, at least in my definition of the word "family."

But he has always been like that.

Ryoji-san is always averting his eyes from me. He only sees the parts of me that he likes to see.

When I wear my pajamas, I remind him that we are family, which is why he does not like to see me like this. He has shown signs of feeling attracted to me in a non-family manner and thus seems to have difficulty getting along with the other sex. Is he interested in me as a love interest? While I do not believe that is as simple as that, it might be something close to it. Ryoji-san is suffering from an inferiority complex that can be attributed to overestimating me by looking at me through rose-colored glasses of admiration. Most likely, he does not know the true shape of his feelings for me himself, so I do not know anything else, either.

"Want to watch something? I'm only trying to pass my time, so I can go if you want."

It does not seem like he is trying to be reserved; he really is just passing his time. He has a liking for action movies because they keep him awake and are therefore suitable as a way to pass time, which is the only meaning he sees in watching movies. Even now he is watching some Hollywood movie that is mostly known for its tremendous production costs.

"It is the same for me. Do not mind me."

"Uh-huh," he mutters without even looking at me. Not that it bothers me, but why does it not occur to him that we could also watch the movie "together"?

Slightly curious about his attitude, I decide to ask, "Ryoji-san?"

"Hm?"

"What do you think is bothering me about you, Ryoji-san?"

Fairly surprised, he looks away from the screen and gazes at me. After pondering for a while, he replies, "Before I can answer this question, I need to think about the reason why you asked it."

"Yes."

"Your question makes me think that I'm less worth than you. That you are blaming me."

"Yes."

"However, you are able to predict my reaction and thus would not pose this question lightly. In other words, the true answer is more complicated."

"Yes."

Like this, he keeps complicating the intention of my question. I must commend him for his excellent imagination, but he clearly lacks the ability to tell apart right from wrong.

The answer is much simpler: Why do I have to be so polite even though we are siblings?

I suppose I am to blame for that, but you do not give me another choice because this is how you want me to treat you.

In the end, you have no clue what I want from you.

Dear brother, what do you see in me?

And this is how I spend my time, finding no rest in anyone's presence.

I enter my room and can finally be alone.

However, there is no rest even when I am alone.

The thing inside the big mirror of my dressing table is watching me.

I ignore it and quickly finish my homework. I then continue reading an interesting foreign novel in its original language, armed with an electronic dictionary on the table.

"Admit it."

What is un avocat again? Ah, of course, a lawyer.

"You are smart. You should have noticed by now that I am only telling the truth."

...So do I hear this voice even without looking in the mirror now? I sigh and perk up my ears. But I still have my novel open. Because I have not admitted anything.

"No one is looking at you. All they see is someone else."

Someone else? Certainly, they are not looking at me, but at themselves in the one-way mirror.

"And that someone else is me."

But why should that be you?

—Wait!

People are not looking at me but at the one-way mirror that is surrounding me.

At the mirror.

And that mirror is showing you?

Oh, the irony—

—When I look in the mirror, all I see is you as well.

"I will now talk to myself," I say, alone with myself in my room. Of course I am talking to myself. "Mind you, this is a soliloquy. I am not talking to anyone. I do not expect an answer, and even if I feel that I heard one, I will ignore it."

The thing in the mirror that resembles me remains silent. No ... Again, there is no one here besides me.

"Yes, I do get the impression that no one is looking at me. I sometimes even feel that they see something else instead of me."

The room is dead silent.

"But that is only because I have many faces. Because I make use of more than 30 masks to enact the role of a flawless beauty. I am certainly more skilled at using masks than an ordinary person, sometimes to the point that I forget which my real face is, but ultimately everyone uses masks. In psychology, there is a concept called persona. Human beings are thought to create a personality, or a persona, specialized for socializing. I simply happen to use personae more frequently than an ordinary person."

I am able to explain why I feel that others do not seem to look at me like this. It is absurd that my masks would get out of control and get a life of their own, let alone become visible to anyone else.

Exactly. This is a satisfying explanation that is clearly correct and in line with common sense.

But there is one problem.

The fact that I explained it to myself.

Obviously, I know what I just explained. I think it is absurd to see someone else in the mirror.

And yet, I can see the girl inside the mirror.

"But you are beautiful," she says in a voice almost the same, and thus essentially different, as mine

Ironically, the more rational I get, the more I realize that she is not a mere illusion. No, am I not contradicting myself with this very train of thought?

I do not know.

"You are beautiful like me."

I do not know, but I heard her voice.

"And you are aware of your beauty."

She says something that would not even occur to me. That would not even occur to me. In other words, if she were just a delusion, she could not have said it.

In utter surprise, a question slips out of my mouth:

"What ... What are you talking about?"

No! I think, but it is already too late.

This cannot be undone.

I talked to her.

And thus—I subconsciously admitted her existence.

===3===

Her gaze pierced through the one-way mirror all the way to me.

Surprised by this now unfamiliar feeling, I found myself looking at her before I knew it.

Mitsui-san...?

She is not looking at me anymore, but I am looking at her and even paused putting my schoolbooks into my bag.

What was that? Did I see things?

"...Reina-san? What's wrong?" Kawai-san, who has come all the way to my classroom just to hear my performance, asks suspiciously.

"...No, never mind," I answer wearing my mask again, but it seems like Kawai-san has already realized that my surprise was a special sign.

After our short exchange, I notice that Mitsui-san has already left the room.

"Excuse me, Kawai-san, but there is something I need to take care of at home, so I would rather not play the piano today."

"Huh? Ah, yes ... of course, if you are busy."

With these words, I bow my head to her and secretly pursue Mitsui-san. She has not joined any club and does not seem to have a lot of friends, so often goes straight home. I hurry to the shoe lockers.

I found her.

While she is busy changing into her outdoor shoes, I walk up to her. Noticing that someone is approaching, she turns to me.

"Kamisu-san...? Is something wrong?"

"No, I was just in a little hurry because of a pressing matter," I explain and observe her. In an unobstrusive manner, of course.

Aah, it is as I thought.

Mitsui-san is looking at me right through the mirror. There is no doubting it.

"...Goodbye then, Kamisu-san."

"Goodbye."

I part with her in a natural manner.

It feels like it has been a long time since someone other than Sakairi-san last saw me, not "her". Mitsui-san did still project something else on me, so it is still far from sufficient, but she is definitely different from Kawai-san and the others, who are entirely blind of me.

...But why Mitsui-san?

I am not particularly intimate with her. Well, I am not intimate with anyone, but she is one of the people who barely have any contact with me. She is just a classmate.

Is the answer hidden in her nature, then? She is a very aggressive person because of her vulnerability. She believes that everyone wants to do her harm, which is why she has drawn a defense line to protect herself in the event of a real attack. But ... how is that related to the way she looks at me?

"———"

I try contemplating for a while, but I am entirely lost. There are two less leads.

Besides, is there even a point in finding out?

Perhaps there is none, but now that I have become unable to completely deny "her" existence, it strikes me as important to find a way to discern people who see "her" from those who do not.

If I do not take measures, "she" is going to take me in.

I have not admitted "her" ... I think. But ... as a matter of fact, I accidentally talked to "her". It is as clear as the day that this mistake is going to help "her" to pervade me slowly but surely.

Being taken in by "her". While I do not know if that is a good thing or not, I am neither enlightened enough nor desperate enough to willingly surrender myself to an unknown being.

I suppose I will have to talk to Mitsui-san in person...

I waited on a moment that lent itself to talk with her about it.

However—there was no indication of such a moment to come.

My momentary surprise when first taking notice of Mitsui-san's look turned against me in an unexpected form. Kawai-san, who had astutely observed my slight change, also noticed that Mitsui-san's gaze was different. That would not be an issue in and of itself, but for some reason she mistook Mitsui-san's look as one of scorn.

Because of that, Kawai-san and Mitsui-san have made enemies of each other.

It is impossible for me to disregard Kawai-san's will and become friends with Mitsui-san. As someone who exists for others, I do not have any freedom.

At any rate, it has become difficult for me to approach Mitsui-san.

What should I do? Can I even earn something by approaching her?

I do not know, but ... I feel that it would be wrong not to act when at last I have a reason to.

Therefore, I looked up her address and went there.

Although not as big as ours, the house in which Mitsui-san and her family lived was a quite magnificent brick house and was suitable for a student of the Junseiwa School.

I rang the doorbell and was answered by the lovely voice of a girl, who was probably Mitsui-san's little sister. After I told her why I was here, she briefly said, "The door is open. You may wait inside if you like," and stepped away from the intercom. She must have gone to call her big sister.

Accepting her offer, I walked to the entrance. This would not be necessary in the case of normal houses, but because there was quite a distance between the gate and the entrance, I would have otherwise made Mitsui-san unneeded work.

For a while nobody came. Considering that her sister answered the doorbell, it was possible that they had not employed any housekeepers. They did seem to have their house cleaned from time to time.

While I was gazing at the expensive-looking objects and handicrafts, Mitsui-san arrived and looked at me with blatant bafflement.

"Hello," I said as gently as possible to reduce her caution.

"—Kamisu-san?"

Apparently, my effort to get her guard down ended in a failure, but she was so kind as to take me to her room. Unlike my room, hers was only equipped with the things necessary, which was quite to my liking, and I also praised her for that. After her little sister had brought us some black tea and she had lowered her caution a little, I decided to go ahead and ask her.

"It has come to my attention that you have been watching me in a peculiar manner lately."

Much to my surprise, her expression changed abruptly. Is she aware of the fact that her look is piercing through my one-way mirror? Or is she aware that hers is different from the looks of others?

No ... I suppose not. She has practically been threatened by Kawai-san. She must think that I am blaming her. She is that kind of person.

"Ah, please excuse me. I do not mean to blame you," I assured, trying to calm her down. I also said things to the effect of not intending to attack her and staying on her side, which, for some reason, seemed to surprise her.

Is it so surprising? Even though I am just putting on masks that happen to fit the situation?

This is odd. Does that mean that she was not really looking at me, after all? If she was, then her current attitude makes no sense. Her attitude suggests that she does not know what kind of person I am and what kind of actions I take.

She is not deflected by the one-way mirror and does not see that thing that resembles me. But what if that is all there is to it?

"Ah ... that reminds me, you have not answered my question yet."

Right, what matters is not how she thinks of me but why she is looking at me in this way.

"Your question...?"

"I was wondering why you are watching me."

"T-There's not..." She pauses for a few seconds and continues. "—There's not much to it ... at least I can't put my finger on it."

She seems to be telling the truth.

"You do not not know, either ... I understand."

That means that there was no point in coming here. In that case, I have no business here anymore.

"All right, I think it is time for me to take my leave."

"Mm..."

I stand up and see myself in the mirror.

—No, I see "her" who resembles me.

She is smiling. With a beautiful smile like mine.

Aah—

—It cannot be undone.

The bitterness of biting a coffee bean spreads in my mouth. This bitterness may belong to "her" but it is something different. I don't know this. I don't understand this. I don't admit this. But I do recognize it. I am also aware of the fact that I pretend not knowing the answer. I want to keep feigning ignorance. But now that I can see "her" beautiful smile, I cannot suppress it anymore. I instinctively know what "she" is going to do ... no, what I am going to do using "her", and I also know that it is morally reprehensible. But I cannot control it. There is no one to stop me. I am "she" and "she" keeps accelerating me.

I am not interested in the individual—

—and the individual is not interested in me.

"She" is smiling. "She" is calling me.

＊＊＊

Unable to gain anything from approaching Mitsui-san, I lost to reality.

I face my mirror. I face "her" who resembles me.

"I believe that the evil witch in Snow White lost to herself."

I start to talk to "her".

"Mirrors only reflect. If you ask it who the fairest one of all is, you will only receive the answer you believe yourself. The witch lost faith in being the fairest and thus the mirror answered Snow White. And then she tried to kill her with a poisoned apple."

"But ultimately, even if Snow White had deceased, the mirror would have never again said that the witch was the fairest. It would have continued to say different names, because the witch had admitted Snow White's beauty and with it the possibility of others being more beautiful than herself. The mirror would not have given the answer the doubtful witch sought."

"What might the point of telling me this little allegory be?"

"Mirrors only reflect."

"That is true."

"That means that you are me and I am you."

"You are stating the obvious."

"Yes, so it is impossible to escape from you."

"Yes, because you are longing for me."

"Longing for you? Even though I do not know what you are?"

"You claim not to know what I am? Even though you have a fair grasp of my nature?"

"But I have not understood you entirely. I need an explanation."

"I suppose you do," "she" smiles inside the mirror. "I am a phenomenon."

"What kind of phenomenon?"

"A phenomenon called 'Reina Kamisu.'"

"That is my name."

"Yes, it is. But what else would you call me?"

"Point taken," I smile.

"I am a phenomenon no powers other than being visible. A phenomenon that can be given a role by naming it."

"But if you are 'visible' then you must be linked to something, right?"

"Yes, I am linked with the Form that is based on beauty."

"The theory of Forms."

"That might be a close term for it."

"Are you independent?"

"To almost no degree. I am dependent on other beings and I lack the ability to reflect and to actively update information. I do, however, have knowledge and I do obtain a consciousness when taking shape."

"The ability to update information?"

"Even I have to adapt in order to persist. For example, when I speak your language, I make use of your knowledge to transform raw information into words. Since my hosts, which are you human beings, are in permanent change, I have no other choice but to change with them."

"In other words, information is what links you with us?"

"This is not everything that it entails, but it certainly is part of it."

"It is difficult to follow you."

"As I said before, I am transforming information into language, so my words are lacking accuracy."

"It is no different for us! I also often feel restricted by the imperfection of words. But that aside ... if you are connected to us in such a way, do we also suffer from any side effects?"

"I suppose that because of my remoteness to your common world view, there is a chance that you might lose it by 'seeing' me." 

"Which means?"

"Your world view is a filter of sorts. By sending information through it, you are able to process data smoothly and without falling into confusion. Did you know that if you are born blind and have a cornea transplanted, you may not be able to see anything even though your eyes are properly functioning?"

"I think I have heard about that."

"Why is that? It is because they cannot process the information gathered by their eyes! People who have been born blind lack the practice of 'seeing' and therefore do not know how to cope with the light sent through the cornea. They cannot filter the information. As a result, they see nothing."

"In other words, by 'seeing' you we are forced to cope with the kind of information that would normally be filtered out by our subconsciousness?"

"Yes. As a result, you might fall into confusion, stand out in the world that is defined by the common world view, and mistake your selection of what information to filter out."

"Has that already happened to me?"

"Who knows?"

"This sounds synonymous to 'insane' to me."

"That is another way to put it."

"Am I insane?"

"I cannot deny that."

"Quite honest, aren't you?"

"However, you have already defined me as true."

"That alone is the truth."

"There is no such thing as universal truth, though."

"Sadly, you are right."

"Well then, let's get to the point. What role have I given to you? Why did I wish for you?"

"Do I even need to say it?"

"I suppose not. After all, you are Reina Kamisu."

"Yes, my role is—you."

"Your role is—me."

"I am the you who you believe has been lost inside others."

"Yes, you are the most perfect and beautiful and inanimate mask I have ever created."

""That is why others will see Reina Kamisu when they look in these eyes.""

"You then wished for me."

"I subconsciously wished for a perfect mask. By obtaining a new self, I wanted to lose my interest in others because they would only ever ignore me."

"Because it would make you relentless."

"Lose my interest in anyone."

"Lose your sympathy for individuals."

"Lose my soul."

"Therefore, my role is—"

"Yes, your role is to go against this world that turned me into this. To be—"

""—a tool of vengeance.""

＊＊＊

I became aware of the being that is Reina Kamisu.

I became aware of my tool of vengeance.

And the moment I became aware, I lost my powerlessness. I was set free from the control of others.

Even better, I am now freer than anyone else and can even soar up to the skies.

I am in a position where I can easily have my will.

After all, I have become one with Reina Kamisu and can freely make use of her.

This is how I use the perfect mask that is Reina Kamisu.

Or perhaps it is how Reina Kamisu uses me.

Either way, all that is left is to head straight for my goal.

Until everything crumbles into dust.

Until I crumble into dust.

===4===

Reina Kamisu is a concept that belongs only to me. Even if the phenomenon can exist by itself now that it has received the name of Reina Kamisu, it is safe to assume that its scope is still limited to myself at this point.

However, the people around me can clearly see Reina Kamisu.

For example, if your view is obstructed by some kind of white haze, you may interpret it as a ghost or as a white cloth, or you do not even bother yourself with the question of what it is at all, but you can see it in any case.

Likewise, other people can clearly see her. The perfect mask I have obtained by losing my soul certainly exists. I may be the only one who interprets her as the phenomenon Reina Kamisu, but they can see something that is different from what I see but that is essentially the same.

For example, it might be yourselves reflected by the one-way mirror.

"I will die in a few days from now."

I say something that can be interpreted in many ways.

"Die?"

"Yes."

"You?"

Which leads Ryoji-san to start puzzling over the deepest meanings of my words. All that is left for me to do is to to say the things he wants me to say. I do not get an answer from him. All he can do is present his answers to Reina Kamisu.

Alas, dear brother, with so few hints you cannot get it right!

As always, Ryoji-san engages in fairly solid reasoning and drifts off from the answer more and more.

I say the phrase I prepared for him:

"Go to my room when the time comes."

The mirror is there. Reina Kamisu is there. Of course, she is only visible to me, though.

This is my way of putting a curse on him. A curse that I am afraid he is unable to lift for the time being, for—

"I will die."

—Right. Because I will die.

This will cause him to use Reina Kamisu and aggravate the curse I put on him. There is a low probability that he might notice that it was not really me who he has seen, but if that happens then so be it. It would that he earned himself the right to be released.

"—but only metaphorically."

Right, I may die but Reina Kamisu will not.

And as long as Ryoji-san's own Reina Kamisu does not die, the curse will persist.

Death.

It is a tool that is most useful in the event of controlling someone's heart.

It has a tremendous emotional impact and can even be destructive depending on how you use it.

Death is unavoidable and of equal significance to everyone.

Therefore I decided to take advantage of it.

I start to make preparations.

I start to make preparations, using my Reina Kamisu.

Step by step, my vengeance gets executed.

After school, Mitsui-san called me out. While I do not know what she needs from me, I cannot turn her request down in front of everyone, since I am using Reina Kamisu.

My assumption is that she is seeking for help after being hurt by Kawai-san.

"Is it that you want to come back to our conversation the day before yesterday?"

"...No, that's not it," she says with eyes that do not see Reina Kamisu. They see me, not Reina Kamisu.

I suddenly feel a little unsettled.

Might her missing ability to see Reina Kamisu get in the way of my plan of vengeance? Her words bear far less weight than Reina Kamisu's, so I doubt that anyone would listen to her even if she tried to stop me. If, however, there are more people like Mitsui-san who can see "me" to some degree, they might give an ear to her.

What should I do? What if Mitsui walked around spreading her suspicions?

"After all, there's no bullying or violence. I'm just being hated by everyone. Even if the situation improved superficially, the actual hostility wouldn't disappear."

"Do you think so? I am convinced that this artificial hate would disappear with time once we took care of the problem on a superficial level. After all, it is just the peer pressure that is influencing them."

I fail to come to a conclusion.

For the time being, it might be a good idea to display my influence.

"Besides—I can take care of their hostility deep down, too."

It is but the truth, and Mitsui-san is aware of that.

She is left speechless.

We arrive at the back of the gym where she wanted to take me. The secretary of the student council, Anna Fuyuki, has already been waiting here and seems to be in a state of horrible agitation. It is quite obvious what is going to happen now.

I glance over to Mitsui-san.

Fuyuki-san is not someone who would willingly confess her love, let alone have Mitsui-san, an enemy of Kawai-san's, help her arrange it. That means that Mitsui-san has coerced her into this situation.

Why?

Before I arrive at an answer, however, Fuyuki-san opens her mouth:

"Sorry for ... calling you out to such a place."

"No, I do not mind at all."

I would like to catch a glimpse of Mitsui-san's facial expression, but Reina Kamisu is not allowed to avert her eyes from the earnest girl in front of my eyes.

Is that also part of her plan? No, I doubt she is that scheming.

Fuyuki-san struggles for along time to let out a single word, but eventually succeeds:

".........I love you."

Her words are extremely powerful. There might be no ill will in them, but they are essentially a threat. If I am basing my threat on my death, she is basing hers on her fragile and honest feelings.

They are so pure that they cannot be easily crushed.

Reina Kamisu fails to reply offhand.

"...I love you," she repeats.

Reina Kamisu manages to respond her pure feelings with a smile.

"Thank you, but I am sorry..."

And crushed them.

She crushed her pure feelings.

"...Thank you...for your time..."

With these words, Fuyuki-san disappears. The Reina Kamisu inside her should be fine, but ... it was a close call.

The total energy of emotions does not change so easily, but their direction does. Especially in cases like this.

Well then—

—Yukimi Mitsui is the greater problem right now.

I look at her. Ah, as I thought.

Her gaze is piercing through Reina Kamisu and reaches me.

"—Why are you looking at me like this?"

"Well, you said that you stayed on my side, didn't you?"

"I did, yes."

"Even if I look at you in this manner?"

"...Yes."

"You know, I noticed something when you promised to stay on my side. And just now I confirmed my assumption through a little experiment.

"Reina Kamisu, you do not have a soul."

No soul.

I did not expect her to figure out that much. Most impressive.

"...No soul? What do you mean?"

I feign ignorance, however, because it might be a wild guess on her part.

I must not readily admit to it. If she has really seen through me, my fears that she might stand in the way of my plan of vengeance could turn out true.

"Oh come on ... Kamisu-san, you're just a pretty shell without any content inside. You can't react in a differentiated manner to our behavior."

Interesting. Referring to me a "shell" is quite an accurate simile. For someone who does not see my content, Reina Kamisu, I certainly must look like an empty shell.

"It's true that I forced Fuyuki-san to confess to you, but her feelings for you are without a doubt real."

"Yes, I know."

"But you shooed her away."

"Shooed her away? Indeed, I was sadly unable to give her my consent, but I think I have replied to her sincerely. Or do you think that I should have beaten around the bush and told her a sweet lie instead, Mitsui-san?"

"No, that's not what I mean."

"What do you mean, then?"

"Looks like you really don't understand. Alright, listen, Fuyuki-san was serious. Do you have the slightest qualms for turning down her honest feelings for you?"

"I do."

I am perfectly aware that I crushed her pure feelings and even had difficulties doing so. However—

"On the surface, that is, right? After all, your sad expression vanished into thin air the moment she left."

—You cannot say that I have feelings of guilt?

"You only managed to bear feelings for a heartfelt confession at the moment when it occurred. The very instant you looked at me, your interest in Fuyuki-san died out!"

"You are over-interpreting things ... no?"

Wrong. It is just as she says. I can no longer explain my way out, but I must.

But I am not able to. Mitsui-san has understood me. By observing others, she has understood what Reina Kamisu is. She correctly assessed me and was convinced of her assessment when she saw my reaction to Fuyuki-san.

Driven into a corner, I make a slip of tongue.

"Or do you perhaps think that every single student at this school would obey if I told them to commit suicide?"

I accidentally tell her part of my plan.

I expected her to deny it. She could not possibly have such a fine understanding of me.

However—Mitsui-san replied without missing a beat:

"They would."

I am at a loss for words.

"I don't know what you plan to do at this school—maybe nothing at all—but I just want you to know that I realized that you're not normal. You're irregular. And you're aware of that more than anyone else. Yes—"

"—You can't be human."

How accurate.

Reina Kamisu is a phenomenon and I am her vessel.

Neither of us is human.

The following day I learned that Fuyuki-san had cut her wrist.

Beyond doubt, that confession was the cause. Fuyuki-san is a precious sacrificial lamb of mine; if I do not take measures, she might turn unusable because she is most likely planning to dissociate herself from me as it is. Do I look for a substitute, do I give up on one sacrifice, or do I get in touch with her and bring her back in order? After some wavering, I decide for the latter.

I walked to her classroom before school started, sneaked a peek inside, and found her sitting at her desk, hanging her head. She was easy to recognize thanks to her friends surrounding her. To my relief, Kawai-san was not among them.

As I enter the room I create a stir. With widened eyes Fuyuki-san notices me and immediately looks away. I suppose this is the natural reaction in this case.

Nonetheless, I walk up to her without hesitation.

"Fuyuki-san."

Surprised that I called her name, her eyes widen once more.

"H-How can I help you?"

"I would like to talk. Can you spare me a moment?"

Fuyuki-san nods a few times with her eyes still rounded.

"Thank you. Then ... yes, would you be so kind as to follow me to the second music room?"

She nods a few times again and follows me.

"Um ... what would you like to talk about?"

While she is waiting for me anxiously, I approach to the piano and sit down on the stool. To my chagrin, I have to admit that I have grown accustomed to this stool.

"How is your wound?" I ask with my gaze turned at her bandage, ignoring her question. I am expected to first worry about her wound.

"Ah ... I was just being stupid ... you don't need to worry about it, Reina-san."

"Please do not say that."

"No, but ... um ... it's not your fault, Reina-san..."

Oh, that is what she worried about? That suits her personality.

"Do not cut yourself anymore, all right?"

"......Yes," she nods hesitantly, which is fully understandable. Every child knows that one should not hurt oneself, and yet Fuyuki-san cut her wrist. She had to.

Fuyuki-san has been suffering enough to find herself in this situation—

—and thus longs for Reina Kamisu.

"...I have come here today, Fuyuki-san, to talk to you about yesterday."

Her face darkens as she hears me say so.

"Allow me to be direct ... Mitsui-san forced you to say it, right?"

After a few moments of hesitation, she replies, "Yes..." and adds, "but—"

"I thought so," I interrupt. I will not let her finish that sentence. "I was unable to properly handle your confession yesterday."

"Huh—?" she gasps and raises her face in surprise.

"I was unable to answer you honestly in the presence of a bystander, let alone the culprit who schemed it."

"W-What do you mean by this?"

I smile and say, "Now, please listen to my real reply: We are both girls, so I am afraid that we cannot become a couple."

"Yes ... I understand."

"However, I can accept your feelings nevertheless."

"W-What...?"

"This is quite difficult to express ... it might be more appropriate to say that I can be by your side while acknowledging your feelings for me. Going out with each other does not quite catch the nuance ... I really cannot think of an accurate term."

Fuyuki-san is left flabbergasted, but as the meaning of my words slowly gets through to her, she starts to blush.

"E-Err—"

"Are you unhappy with that?"

"N-No! By no means! I actually ... I wanted to become like this! Just ... feeling the same for each other ... is enough for me ... well, I guess ... I was dreaming of this kind of ... slightly special relationship."

"Is that so? Excellent," I comment with a smile. I can tell that she is charmed by me. "But have to warn you."

"Y-Yes ... what is it?"

"If possible, you should refrain from telling anyone about this. You understand why, right?"

"Y-Yes, of course."

"So why do we not make it our little secret?"

"—Our little secret..." she mutters with flushed cheeks and replies, "Yes!"

Our secret, yes?

Fufu, I am afraid that is not quite true.

It will be your very own secret, Fuyuki-san.

"Please take good care of Reina Kamisu."

Because—

—I will no longer be around later today.

As I explained to Mitsui-san, it is in my current power to control others. It would be child's play to get rid of Mitsui-san by taking advantage of Kawai-san.

But I did not do it.

Not because I thought it would be cruel. I do not possess human emotions anymore. As she correctly stated, I have lost interest in others.

And yet I did not do it. Even worse, I learned from Fuyuki-san that Mitsui-san was in danger and went there to intervene.

"Why ... why did you save me? I mean, I was so impudent as to say that you're 'not human' yesterday."

Why did I save her?

I wonder why?

I am not sure, but probably—I was happy.

I was happy that someone said I was "not human," that someone truly saw me.

"Did I not promise to be on your side? Besides, to be honest, I would like to avoid that cruel stuff even if I am not human," I explain my way out, because that is the answer she wanted to hear.

Aah, I am empty even in front of her. I am just a shell.

If ... If I met her a little earlier, perhaps I would have not turned into what I am now? No, I suppose there never was room for such an if scenario. I was born with this fate, floated all the way here—and will scatter.

"I'm so jealous."

I was not a little surprised to hear that.

Jealous. It is a word that I hear on a regular basis. However—Mitsui-san said so while understanding me.

"Jealous?"

"Yeah, I'm jealous. I could—do without a soul."

I see...

I finally found out. Why has Mitsui-san been able to look properly at me?

It is because to Mitsui-san, I was her Reina Kamisu.

Everyone sees Reina Kamisu through me, the ideal in the view of the observer.

Mitsui-san said she was jealous of me because I have no soul.

Right. Mitsui-san, too, sees Reina Kamisu through me. She, too, sees her ideal in me. However, I happen to be her very ideal; her Reina Kamisu is practically identical with me. She has no need to see Reina Kamisu because I am close enough.

That is why she could directly observe me.

"I want... I want to become like you, Kamisu-san."

"Do you want me to give you a hand?"

"Huh...?"

I was happy.

I felt accepted for the first time in my life.

Because of that, my facial muscles moved on their own. I have no means of knowing what my face looked like because it was an uncontrolled expression.

I am so happy, therefore let me grant your wish.

Luckily, it is in line with both my plan and the means I am going to employ.

"Oh, erasing your soul is not all that hard, really!"

Right, if Mitsui-san views me as her ideal, then she should be able to interpret a special meaning into my words.

My deep words and my death will guide her to the place she wishes to be.

"I will help you get there!"

Just like the others.

Of course, I have not the slightest idea where that will be.

I stationed Mitsui-san at the second music room where my body will pass during the fall. The only task that remains is to add the girl who has the strongest tendency of seeing Reina Kamisu to my plan.

Where might she be?

Just as I thought so—

"Reina-san!"

She, Kawai-san, called my name.

Nobody is as obsessed with Reina Kamisu and cleanliness as Kawai-san. She was longing for an unstained, beautiful person, and found it in Reina Kamisu.

Ignoring the fact that a person fulfilling her requirements does not exist.

"You have come at the correct time. I was searching for you."

"Is there anything I can help you with?"

"There is something I wanted to tell you," I explain briefly. Not many words are needed anymore in her case.

"Please take good care of Reina Kamisu."

This will make sure that she will pursue Reina Kamisu for the rest of her life. While I do not know where she will find her Reina Kamisu, I have a hunch that—

—it is where I am headed now.

I go to the rooftop.

＊＊＊

Reina Kamisu is already waiting for me when I arrive at the rooftop. She has broken free from the mirror. Well, she has always been right by my side since the moment I admitted her existence.

"Now you only need to fall down from here, is that right?"

"Yes, that will be the last step."

Fortunately, there is no one else here.

No, perhaps we are not alone. Perhaps I am subconsciously ignoring someone.

I do not mind either way as long as it does not impede my plan.

"I do not understand. How does this result in vengeance?" she asks.

"Well, I doubt that your role includes understanding my plan..."

"Would you mind disclosing some of it to me?"

"Sure."

"I am quite sure of this, but let me ask nonetheless. Having Kawai-san, Fuyuki-san and the others follow you into death is not what you consider your vengeance, right?"

"Exactly," I answer while searching for a place where I will fall past the window of the second music room.

"Should I think of your vengeance as something abstract?"

"Abstract...? No, I mean it quite literally. I suppose it can be considered abstract in the sense that it is hard to predict to what degree my plan will prove to be successful."

"...What is your plan, then?"

I shall answer her.

Ah, this tension in my facial muscles—I felt the same tension when talking with Mitsui-san earlier.

Oh, I remember this feeling now.

I am—

"To kill people!"

—laughing.

"Of course, I have no idea how successful my plan will be, but I want to kill people. I want to kill as many of them as possible. But not with ordinary means. I could only kill so many if I built a nuclear bomb. Would it not be a shame if there was no hope to kill more? If possible, I would like to wipe the entire human race from the face of the earth."

"How frightening. But how does falling down from here result in killing people?"

I finally find a good place that can be observed from the second music room. This will make sure that Mitsui-san will also have her soul erased.

"How I am going to kill? It is truly simple," I smile at Reina Kamisu. "I will use you!"

"Use me...?"

"Yes. Mind you, I am not talking about my interpretation of Reina Kamisu, but about your essence, about 'the phenomenon that can become visible.'"

"You want to use me as a weapon? Don't be silly. I have no power by myself. As you said, I am just a phenomenon that can become visible," she argues.

"That is more than enough."

"Poor thing. It seems like you have gone insane for good."

"I will not deny it. But although I may be insane, I can still think logically."

"Lunatics all say that."

I grab the fence. It seems to be stable enough to support my weight.

"What do you think will my fall from here cause?"

"...Let me think. First and foremost, you will die. After that, the people you prepared might end up committing suicide. Some kind of vicious cycle might even ensue ... but eradicating the human race is definitely impossible."

"You are right. I will die, Kawai-san and a few other people will die, and this marks the end of my preparations."

I lean against the fence and look Reina Kamisu straight in the eyes.

"This will allow me to overwrite your information."

Reina Kamisu gazes at me with utter surprise.

"Overwrite my information, you say?"

"Yes."

"Do you mean that you are going to redefine me as a phenomenon that kills people?"

"Exactly!"

"Even in the unlikely event that you succeeded in overwriting my information, what you plan to do would be impossible. Again, my sole power lies in 'becoming visible.' You could just as well tell a human to fly!"

"You do not need any new powers. You are fully capable of killing people as you are now."

"What was that...?"

"I just need to pin you!"

"'Pin me'?"

"At the moment, your shape is so vague that people refer to you by various names like god, angel, or whatnot. I will thus pin you to a single shape, by adding a new condition required to see you."

"Meaning...?"

"I will give you the fixed name Reina Kamisu."

"I do not understand. How does that give me the power to kill?"

"Do you not get my point? If you receive the name Reina Kamisu, you will no longer be just a vague concept but a 'person.'"

"That might be true, but what of it?"

"Your nature entails taking on the role your observer needs the most, right? What if you take on that role as a 'person'? Well, you will become the most important person to that observer. However, ultimately you are nothing more than a phenomenon, and once your observer realizes that, he will despair."

"And that is enough to kill people?"

"At least in the case of those who are desperate enough to seek you. Besides, do not forget that you will become Reina Kamisu. Do you know what this implicates?"

"...No, I don't."

"Nomen est omen. The name is a sign. For example, it is not possible to give you a boy's name because you are the Idea of Female Beauty. Likewise, it is not possible to give you the name of an object like an air conditioner, goggles or a toilet seat.

"However, it is possible to give you the name Reina Kamisu, and the name will bind you to a human appearance.

"And that is not all; there is more to this name. Originally, you are a phenomenon that only has a vague appearance, but you lose this vagueness by receiving the name Reina Kamisu. Your appearance will be reminiscent of me, and so will your nature. Right—"

While laughing I say:

"—the very name of Reina Kamisu will kill people."

"Fairy tales. As a matter of fact, you have not killed a single—" she pauses. "Wait—is that why you made those 'preparations'?"

"Exactly. I will now lead Kawai-san and the others to death. While I cannot predict how many of them will die, my plan is to make them die. To murder them. To attach an image to the name Reina Kamisu."

Reina Kamisu is at a loss for words. However, she quickly recovers and points out, "This is a well-thought-out delusion, but I am afraid that the premise is not established. How do you prove that it is even possible to overwrite my information?"

"Sadly, I have no proof."

"As I thought."

"But it makes sense, no? At the very least, the people I 'prepared' will see you. As Reina Kamisu, of course. Other students of this school or acquaintances of mine might also become able to see you and call you by my name. If so many people start to refer to you as Reina Kamisu, the odds are not too bad for your information to be changed the way I aspire to, right?"

"...I suppose the chances are not zero."

"That is enough for me to take the risk. I will sacrifice my own blood and that of several young girls and pray to create this curse. If that fails, then so be it."

With these words, I climb on the fence and stand on top of it.

I look down.

All I can see is the vicinity of the Junseiwa School, but that is just fine. Ultimately, my own world was no bigger than this, and yet I loathe the entire world. Unreasonable? Why? Isn't that human nature? Isn't it human nature to judge the whole by a part? The world is not kind to me. It is trying to dispose of me. It is ignoring me. That is why I will scatter, cursing anything and everything that belongs to this scenery.

"...You are a horrible person for dragging me into this."

I hear Reina Kamisu's voice behind me.

"Of course. You also belong to the things that I loathe."

"...What?"

"You are also a target of my vengeance, dear Reina Kamisu."

"This makes no sense. You said yourself that I am you and you are me."

"And that is exactly why—"

I bite my lips.

"—I hate you."

"I wanted to see myself in the mirror. You were uncalled-for. I wanted to be normal like everyone else. But—I could not! Because of you! Because of me!"

I am surprised by myself.

My voice is rough with anger? I am irritated? At whom? At Reina Kamisu?

...No. At myself.

I have not lost my feelings and I am actually turning them against myself.

But—

—I decide not to think about the meaning of this.

"I am going to take revenge on you. You will continue to exist for all time as a curse named Reina Kamisu, as a being that torments people."

"...Is that really what you wanted to accomplish?"

I unwittingly turn around to her.

"What do you mean...?"

"You could not see yourself in the mirror, right? You were just as blind to yourself as everyone else, right? Then how on earth would you be able to know what you want?"

"I don't know," I say bluntly and look ahead again, at the world I despise. "All I can do is—loathe this world that shows no understanding for me."

In response, Reina Kamisu whispers:

"If only you realized that everyone has to cope with the mundane feeling of not being understood in some way..."

Shut up.

I do not want to hear that nonsense.

I covered my ears.

And jumped.

＊＊＊

Everything tilts and tilts and tilts—

The despicable sky is colored dark red.

You do not change a bit even now.

I may be able to soar up to you.

But I am damned to fall.

I cannot reach so far.

I can only reach the bottom.

Oh sky!

Oh twilit sky!

Just like the sun that dyes you red every passing day,

I shall continue to dye you red with the blood I spill—

So at least—

—Do not forget me.

<noinclude>
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|-
| Back to [[Kamisu Reina:Volume 2 Sakura Kawai|Chapter 3]]
| Return to [[Kamisu Reina Series|Main Page]]
| Forward to [[Kamisu Reina:Volume 2 Epilogue|Epilogue]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Kamisu Reina:Volume 2 Reina Kamisu

2019-04-09T05:39:11Z

SighingSlider: /* Chapter 4: Reina Kamisu */

==Chapter 4: Reina Kamisu==

===1===

I have not seen myself in the mirror in years.

Instead of me, the mirror of my dressing table is showing something similar to me. Needless to say, this is not some mechanism that has been built into my antique dressing table, and yet my reflection is missing from the mirror I am looking at right now. The thing that appears from time to time like a visual trick is subdivided in 33 parts which makes it impossible to examine it in its entirety.

The foreign reflection resembling me smiles at me.

"It is futile to loathe me!" the girl within the mirror says with an irritatingly beautiful smile. Again: this is not me but something that visually resembles me. "For I have already been associated with you."

Why did it come to this? She has always been around indeed, but while she hovered over me like a shadow, she did not use to cling to me.

"You seem thoroughly fed up. Do you not think it is time to stop ignoring me and converse with me?" she suggests.

Spare me. Conversing with you means admitting your existence, and admitting you just once means giving in to you. I will not make the mistake of concerning myself with a delusion that has become to real, that can even be explained.

I will not admit the delusion that is you nor will I accept you.

Even if, as a matter of fact, I do not appear in the mirror.

"I may not be able to exist without you, but unlike you, I know why I came to be!"

Do I want to know? There is no need. It is easy enough to deduce the answer, as I already have.

Deduced the answer?

Aah, no, that is not right. I do not know the reason for your existence, because you do not exist to begin with.

I am a rational person who does not suffer from delusions.

"Yes, you do know—"

I do not. I do not hear anything.

"That I exist—"

I do not. I do not know anything.

"After all—

"—When people look at you they see me."

===2===

I find myself in the second music room, playing a song from a movie that came on TV the other day on the piano. The students that have gathered around me let out gasps of joy.

How did I wind up exhibiting my piano skills in an open place like this, anyway?

Obviously because I was asked to.

My classmates wanted to hear me playing the piano, so I started to perform here in the second music room, showcasing the fruits of practicing at home. I originally used the practice room, but my performance became popular among the students to the point that even the teachers got wind of it and, for some reason, suggested to use this room.

Thanks to them, I am now forced to perform day in, day out. Even though I do not plan to become a pianist.

With smooth motions I move from one piano key to the next. Because I have taken lessons since I was a child, playing the piano now feels approximately as natural as writing.

Of course, I did not take lessons because I wanted to.

The music reaches my ear.

It sounds just as boring as always.

Why do they all look so captivated as if I were performing like a first class pianist when I play so poorly? There is no emotion in my music, just raw, mechanical skill. They cannot be moved by something like this. I feel irritated, as if I was watching an apathetic conductor.

After I finish my playing, the audience surrounding the piano give me their applause, some of them even with tears in their eyes. Stop that! This was just a crude performance by a student like you! Without showing a sign of my true thoughts, however, I smile at them and thank them.

"I love that movie!" says Kawai-san, who became president of the student council after me. Of course you do. It was your request, after all.

"...You do?" I smile, again without showing my true thoughts.

"Your performance is so touching, Reina-san."

"Yes, indeed. I wonder why your music turns out so different."

"You are magnificent!"

"Thank you," I say and feel the same thing as always: a one-way mirror is extending around me.

A one-way mirror. A curious mirror that lets me see everything that happens on the other side but does not let them see me.

The girls on the other side are cheerfully chatting with the mirror in front of them, and even though I do not show any reaction whatsoever, they are delighted by the reaction of whatever they see in the mirror. Girls, come to your senses! Do you not see that you are talking with a mirror? What is the point in reacting to your own reactions?

But they feign ignorance and enjoy the conversation.

Everyone except for me, who is standing inside the one-way mirror.

With an unvoiced sigh, I start playing the piano and the girls around me fall silent. I prefer them to just hold their tongues rather than get engrossed in a conversation that I cannot take part in.

As I watch my audience, who think my performance were something special, I ponder. At the end of the day, nobody is interested in me.

Nobody wants me to talk. All they want me to do is nod to them and approve of them. I am not permitted an own will.

I wear a specialized, tailor-made mask for every single one of them, and they love that.

Therefore, I cannot talk about myself.

And yet—even though I have not told them a single thing about me—they act as though they were in an intimate relationship with me.

—Tell me, what do you see in me?

It was a terrible mistake to enroll at the Junseiwa school. I feel that negative phenomenons like my fake reflection or the one-way mirror have been aggravating and getting more frequent ever since I came here.

Hm? Why did I come to this school, anyway?

This is easy to answer. Because my mother wanted it.

In the end, my own will is not to be found anywhere. None of my actions reflect my will. I only move by being pulled by someone.

I focus on playing the piano and shake off my stray thoughts.

As always, the melody sounds empty.

I finish my performance and receive a grand applause.

After being forced to play for more than a full hour, I walked home together with a few students that live in the same direction. I commute to school from home. At the Junseiwa School students are obliged to live in the dormitory if possible, but because of some serious trouble during my time in the middle school section (it should not be difficult to imagine this when considering my current situation), I was allowed to live at home when I graduated to the high school section.

However, because I had been separated from my family for three years (except for holidays, of course) the distance between us had become insurmountable. My position in our family had always been unstable, but now they completely and permanently forgot how to treat me as part of it.

They started to treat me like I were fragile.

Having sensed that, I had no other choice but to take the same attitude toward them as to my fellow students, which entailed tailoring masks and looking at my family through a one-way mirror. Only Sakairi-san, our housekeeper, did not treat me like something fragile, but it was still far from normal.

There is no haven for me anymore.

I opened the door, greeted my family, had a mostly wordless dinner and took a bath.

From the three bathrooms we have, I went to the middle-sized one, added in some bath oil and soak in the bath. Our largest bathroom is big enough to accommodate us and our housekeepers and still have space for more, but it is barely ever used by anyone. The larger the bathtub, the longer it takes to fill it with warm water, and the faster it cools down, and the more gas it takes. It is a terribly unpractical bathroom, and with it losing its novelty, its bathtub has deteriorated to a merely big hole. There are many of these useless things in this house. Apparently, the larger a house gets, the more useless things accumulate. Even though maintenance gets costlier.

While showering myself off, I shift my thinking to my future.

What might become of me after high school? Well, I will certainly enroll at a first-class university. But after that?

I would make myself unpopular if I said this aloud, but there are not many things that I cannot become. It might be out of reach for me to become a specialist in something that requires training from an early stage on, like a competitive sportsman, but I am confident that I would be admitted by any university and I am just as confident that I would be hired by any company. I might even be able to make my way into the show business and become an actress or a singer, something that everyone dreams of but gives up on.

My mask can be customized to deliver the best performance in any job, and from experience I know that it performs outstandingly well.

However, I think. What do I want to become?

This may seem like a problem that everyone has, but my question is of a different nature. I believe most people know that they would like to become, but are either too embarrassed to talk about it, have set their goal too high, or are frankly not that bent on it.

I, on the other hand, can think of absolutely nothing that I would want to become. Not in the slightest. All I ever do is standing still in a white realm without a horizon, waiting idly for something to arrive because there is nowhere to go, and simply reacting to whatever is happening before my eyes.

Yes, even though I have the sense to do anything, I cannot become anything.

Powerless. Meaningless. Worthless. Yes, I do not have anything.

Maybe I should just die, then?

Die? Why?

I do not know, which is why I will probably not die.

Still gloomy, I leave the bathroom and go to our video room to watch a DVD. I have not decided on a certain DVD, but because my father has the habit of buying several DVDs every month despite not watching them, there are plenty of movies that I have not seen yet.

By the way, I do not study much when I am at home. Since the speed of teaching is adjusted according to the average of the class, it tends to be slow for me despite the reputation of the Junseiwa School. I repeat old knowledge and prepare for the new things in the spare time during my classes.

Efficient? Certainly. But I do not know for what sake.

When I enter the video room, I find that I am not alone.

"Ryoji-san."

I call his name and he turns around to me.

"Oh, it's you?" he says briefly and looks away.

I have changed into my pajamas. I am not concealing my body with a single bath towel. And yet, Ryoji-san averted his eyes in a way that I consider is unnatural for family, at least in my definition of the word "family."

But he has always been like that.

Ryoji-san is always averting his eyes from me. He only sees the parts of me that he likes to see.

When I wear my pajamas, I remind him that we are family, which is why he does not like to see me like this. He has shown signs of feeling attracted to me in a non-family manner and thus seems to have difficulty getting along with the other sex. Is he interested in me as a love interest? While I do not believe that is as simple as that, it might be something close to it. Ryoji-san is suffering from an inferiority complex that can be attributed to overestimating me by looking at me through rose-colored glasses of admiration. Most likely, he does not know the true shape of his feelings for me himself, so I do not know anything else, either.

"Want to watch something? I'm only trying to pass my time, so I can go if you want."

It does not seem like he is trying to be reserved; he really is just passing his time. He has a liking for action movies because they keep him awake and are therefore suitable as a way to pass time, which is the only meaning he sees in watching movies. Even now he is watching some Hollywood movie that is mostly known for its tremendous production costs.

"It is the same for me. Do not mind me."

"Uh-huh," he mutters without even looking at me. Not that it bothers me, but why does it not occur to him that we could also watch the movie "together"?

Slightly curious about his attitude, I decide to ask, "Ryoji-san?"

"Hm?"

"What do you think is bothering me about you, Ryoji-san?"

Fairly surprised, he looks away from the screen and gazes at me. After pondering for a while, he replies, "Before I can answer this question, I need to think about the reason why you asked it."

"Yes."

"Your question makes me think that I'm less worth than you. That you are blaming me."

"Yes."

"However, you are able to predict my reaction and thus would not pose this question lightly. In other words, the true answer is more complicated."

"Yes."

Like this, he keeps complicating the intention of my question. I must commend him for his excellent imagination, but he clearly lacks the ability to tell apart right from wrong.

The answer is much simpler: Why do I have to be so polite even though we are siblings?

I suppose I am to blame for that, but you do not give me another choice because this is how you want me to treat you.

In the end, you have no clue what I want from you.

Dear brother, what do you see in me?

And this is how I spend my time, finding no rest in anyone's presence.

I enter my room and can finally be alone.

However, there is no rest even when I am alone.

The thing inside the big mirror of my dressing table is watching me.

I ignore it and quickly finish my homework. I then continue reading an interesting foreign novel in its original language, armed with an electronic dictionary on the table.

"Admit it."

What is un avocat again? Ah, of course, a lawyer.

"You are smart. You should have noticed by now that I am only telling the truth."

...So do I hear this voice even without looking in the mirror now? I sigh and perk up my ears. But I still have my novel open. Because I have not admitted anything.

"No one is looking at you. All they see is someone else."

Someone else? Certainly, they are not looking at me, but at themselves in the one-way mirror.

"And that someone else is me."

But why should that be you?

—Wait!

People are not looking at me but at the one-way mirror that is surrounding me.

At the mirror.

And that mirror is showing you?

Oh, the irony—

—When I look in the mirror, all I see is you as well.

"I will now talk to myself," I say, alone with myself in my room. Of course I am talking to myself. "Mind you, this is a soliloquy. I am not talking to anyone. I do not expect an answer, and even if I feel that I heard one, I will ignore it."

The thing in the mirror that resembles me remains silent. No ... Again, there is no one here besides me.

"Yes, I do get the impression that no one is looking at me. I sometimes even feel that they see something else instead of me."

The room is dead silent.

"But that is only because I have many faces. Because I make use of more than 30 masks to enact the role of a flawless beauty. I am certainly more skilled at using masks than an ordinary person, sometimes to the point that I forget which my real face is, but ultimately everyone uses masks. In psychology, there is a concept called persona. Human beings are thought to create a personality, or a persona, specialized for socializing. I simply happen to use personae more frequently than an ordinary person."

I am able to explain why I feel that others do not seem to look at me like this. It is absurd that my masks would get out of control and get a life of their own, let alone become visible to anyone else.

Exactly. This is a satisfying explanation that is clearly correct and in line with common sense.

But there is one problem.

The fact that I explained it to myself.

Obviously, I know what I just explained. I think it is absurd to see someone else in the mirror.

And yet, I can see the girl inside the mirror.

"But you are beautiful," she says in a voice almost the same, and thus essentially different, as mine

Ironically, the more rational I get, the more I realize that she is not a mere illusion. No, am I not contradicting myself with this very train of thought?

I do not know.

"You are beautiful like me."

I do not know, but I heard her voice.

"And you are aware of your beauty."

She says something that would not even occur to me. That would not even occur to me. In other words, if she were just a delusion, she could not have said it.

In utter surprise, a question slips out of my mouth:

"What ... What are you talking about?"

No! I think, but it is already too late.

This cannot be undone.

I talked to her.

And thus—I subconsciously admitted her existence.

===3===

Her gaze pierced through the one-way mirror all the way to me.

Surprised by this now unfamiliar feeling, I found myself looking at her before I knew it.

Mitsui-san...?

She is not looking at me anymore, but I am looking at her and even paused putting my schoolbooks into my bag.

What was that? Did I see things?

"...Reina-san? What's wrong?" Kawai-san, who has come all the way to my classroom just to hear my performance, asks suspiciously.

"...No, never mind," I answer wearing my mask again, but it seems like Kawai-san has already realized that my surprise was a special sign.

After our short exchange, I notice that Mitsui-san has already left the room.

"Excuse me, Kawai-san, but there is something I need to take care of at home, so I would rather not play the piano today."

"Huh? Ah, yes ... of course, if you are busy."

With these words, I bow my head to her and secretly pursue Mitsui-san. She has not joined any club and does not seem to have a lot of friends, so often goes straight home. I hurry to the shoe lockers.

I found her.

While she is busy changing into her outdoor shoes, I walk up to her. Noticing that someone is approaching, she turns to me.

"Kamisu-san...? Is something wrong?"

"No, I was just in a little hurry because of a pressing matter," I explain and observe her. In an unobstrusive manner, of course.

Aah, it is as I thought.

Mitsui-san is looking at me right through the mirror. There is no doubting it.

"...Goodbye then, Kamisu-san."

"Goodbye."

I part with her in a natural manner.

It feels like it has been a long time since someone other than Sakairi-san last saw me, not "her". Mitsui-san did still project something else on me, so it is still far from sufficient, but she is definitely different from Kawai-san and the others, who are entirely blind of me.

...But why Mitsui-san?

I am not particularly intimate with her. Well, I am not intimate with anyone, but she is one of the people who barely have any contact with me. She is just a classmate.

Is the answer hidden in her nature, then? She is a very aggressive person because of her vulnerability. She believes that everyone wants to do her harm, which is why she has drawn a defense line to protect herself in the event of a real attack. But ... how is that related to the way she looks at me?

"———"

I try contemplating for a while, but I am entirely lost. There are two less leads.

Besides, is there even a point in finding out?

Perhaps there is none, but now that I have become unable to completely deny "her" existence, it strikes me as important to find a way to discern people who see "her" from those who do not.

If I do not take measures, "she" is going to take me in.

I have not admitted "her" ... I think. But ... as a matter of fact, I accidentally talked to "her". It is as clear as the day that this mistake is going to help "her" to pervade me slowly but surely.

Being taken in by "her". While I do not know if that is a good thing or not, I am neither enlightened enough nor desperate enough to willingly surrender myself to an unknown being.

I suppose I will have to talk to Mitsui-san in person...

I waited on a moment that lent itself to talk with her about it.

However—there was no indication of such a moment to come.

My momentary surprise when first taking notice of Mitsui-san's look turned against me in an unexpected form. Kawai-san, who had astutely observed my slight change, also noticed that Mitsui-san's gaze was different. That would not be an issue in and of itself, but for some reason she mistook Mitsui-san's look as one of scorn.

Because of that, Kawai-san and Mitsui-san have made enemies of each other.

It is impossible for me to disregard Kawai-san's will and become friends with Mitsui-san. As someone who exists for others, I do not have any freedom.

At any rate, it has become difficult for me to approach Mitsui-san.

What should I do? Can I even earn something by approaching her?

I do not know, but ... I feel that it would be wrong not to act when at last I have a reason to.

Therefore, I looked up her address and went there.

Although not as big as ours, the house in which Mitsui-san and her family lived was a quite magnificent brick house and was suitable for a student of the Junseiwa School.

I rang the doorbell and was answered by the lovely voice of a girl, who was probably Mitsui-san's little sister. After I told her why I was here, she briefly said, "The door is open. You may wait inside if you like," and stepped away from the intercom. She must have gone to call her big sister.

Accepting her offer, I walked to the entrance. This would not be necessary in the case of normal houses, but because there was quite a distance between the gate and the entrance, I would have otherwise made Mitsui-san unneeded work.

For a while nobody came. Considering that her sister answered the doorbell, it was possible that they had not employed any housekeepers. They did seem to have their house cleaned from time to time.

While I was gazing at the expensive-looking objects and handicrafts, Mitsui-san arrived and looked at me with blatant bafflement.

"Hello," I said as gently as possible to reduce her caution.

"—Kamisu-san?"

Apparently, my effort to get her guard down ended in a failure, but she was so kind as to take me to her room. Unlike my room, hers was only equipped with the things necessary, which was quite to my liking, and I also praised her for that. After her little sister had brought us some black tea and she had lowered her caution a little, I decided to go ahead and ask her.

"It has come to my attention that you have been watching me in a peculiar manner lately."

Much to my surprise, her expression changed abruptly. Is she aware of the fact that her look is piercing through my one-way mirror? Or is she aware that hers is different from the looks of others?

No ... I suppose not. She has practically been threatened by Kawai-san. She must think that I am blaming her. She is that kind of person.

"Ah, please excuse me. I do not mean to blame you," I assured, trying to calm her down. I also said things to the effect of not intending to attack her and staying on her side, which, for some reason, seemed to surprise her.

Is it so surprising? Even though I am just putting on masks that happen to fit the situation?

This is odd. Does that mean that she was not really looking at me, after all? If she was, then her current attitude makes no sense. Her attitude suggests that she does not know what kind of person I am and what kind of actions I take.

She is not deflected by the one-way mirror and does not see that thing that resembles me. But what if that is all there is to it?

"Ah ... that reminds me, you have not answered my question yet."

Right, what matters is not how she thinks of me but why she is looking at me in this way.

"Your question...?"

"I was wondering why you are watching me."

"T-There's not..." She pauses for a few seconds and continues. "—There's not much to it ... at least I can't put my finger on it."

She seems to be telling the truth.

"You do not not know, either ... I understand."

That means that there was no point in coming here. In that case, I have no business here anymore.

"All right, I think it is time for me to take my leave."

"Mm..."

I stand up and see myself in the mirror.

—No, I see "her" who resembles me.

She is smiling. With a beautiful smile like mine.

Aah—

—It cannot be undone.

The bitterness of biting a coffee bean spreads in my mouth. This bitterness may belong to "her" but it is something different. I don't know this. I don't understand this. I don't admit this. But I do recognize it. I am also aware of the fact that I pretend not knowing the answer. I want to keep feigning ignorance. But now that I can see "her" beautiful smile, I cannot suppress it anymore. I instinctively know what "she" is going to do ... no, what I am going to do using "her", and I also know that it is morally reprehensible. But I cannot control it. There is no one to stop me. I am "she" and "she" keeps accelerating me.

I am not interested in the individual—

—and the individual is not interested in me.

"She" is smiling. "She" is calling me.

＊＊＊

Unable to gain anything from approaching Mitsui-san, I lost to reality.

I face my mirror. I face "her" who resembles me.

"I believe that the evil witch in Snow White lost to herself."

I start to talk to "her".

"Mirrors only reflect. If you ask it who the fairest one of all is, you will only receive the answer you believe yourself. The witch lost faith in being the fairest and thus the mirror answered Snow White. And then she tried to kill her with a poisoned apple."

"But ultimately, even if Snow White had deceased, the mirror would have never again said that the witch was the fairest. It would have continued to say different names, because the witch had admitted Snow White's beauty and with it the possibilty of others being more beautiful than herself. The mirror would not have given the answer the doubtful witch sought."

"What might the point of telling me this little allegory be?"

"Mirrors only reflect."

"That is true."

"That means that you are me and I am you."

"You are stating the obvious."

"Yes, so it is impossible to escape from you."

"Yes, because you are longing for me."

"Longing for you? Even though I do not know what you are?"

"You claim not to know what I am? Even though you have a fair grasp of my nature?"

"But I have not understood you entirely. I need an explanation."

"I suppose you do," "she" smiles inside the mirror. "I am a phenomenon."

"What kind of phenomenon?"

"A phenomenon called 'Reina Kamisu.'"

"That is my name."

"Yes, it is. But what else would you call me?"

"Point taken," I smile.

"I am a phenomenon no powers other than being visible. A phenomenon that can be given a role by naming it."

"But if you are 'visible' then you must be linked to something, right?"

"Yes, I am linked with the Form that is based on beauty."

"The theory of Forms."

"That might be a close term for it."

"Are you independent?"

"To almost no degree. I am dependent on other beings and I lack the ability to reflect and to actively update information. I do, however, have knowledge and I do obtain a consciousness when taking shape."

"The ability to update information?"

"Even I have to adapt in order to persist. For example, when I speak your language, I make use of your knowledge to transform raw information into words. Since my hosts, which are you human beings, are in permanent change, I have no other choice but to change with them."

"In other words, information is what links you with us?"

"This is not everything that it entails, but it certainly is part of it."

"It is difficult to follow you."

"As I said before, I am transforming information into language, so my words are lacking accuracy."

"It is no different for us! I also often feel restricted by the imperfection of words. But that aside ... if you are connected to us in such a way, do we also suffer from any side effects?"

"I suppose that because of my remoteness to your common world view, there is a chance that you might lose it by 'seeing' me." 

"Which means?"

"Your world view is a filter of sorts. By sending information through it, you are able to process data smoothly and without falling into confusion. Did you know that if you are born blind and have a cornea transplanted, you may not be able to see anything even though your eyes are properly functioning?"

"I think I have heard about that."

"Why is that? It is because they cannot process the information gathered by their eyes! People who have been born blind lack the practice of 'seeing' and therefore do not know how to cope with the light sent through the cornea. They cannot filter the information. As a result, they see nothing."

"In other words, by 'seeing' you we are forced to cope with the kind of information that would normally be filtered out by our subconsciousness?"

"Yes. As a result, you might fall into confusion, stand out in the world that is defined by the common world view, and mistake your selection of what information to filter out."

"Has that already happened to me?"

"Who knows?"

"This sounds synonymous to 'insane' to me."

"That is another way to put it."

"Am I insane?"

"I cannot deny that."

"Quite honest, aren't you?"

"However, you have already defined me as true."

"That alone is the truth."

"There is no such thing as universal truth, though."

"Sadly, you are right."

"Well then, let's get to the point. What role have I given to you? Why did I wish for you?"

"Do I even need to say it?"

"I suppose not. After all, you are Reina Kamisu."

"Yes, my role is—you."

"Your role is—me."

"I am the you who you believe has been lost inside others."

"Yes, you are the most perfect and beautiful and inanimate mask I have ever created."

""That is why others will see Reina Kamisu when they look in these eyes.""

"You then wished for me."

"I subconsciously wished for a perfect mask. By obtaining a new self, I wanted to lose my interest in others because they would only ever ignore me."

"Because it would make you relentless."

"Lose my interest in anyone."

"Lose your sympathy for individuals."

"Lose my soul."

"Therefore, my role is—"

"Yes, your role is to go against this world that turned me into this. To be—"

""—a tool of vengeance.""

＊＊＊

I became aware of the being that is Reina Kamisu.

I became aware of my tool of vengeance.

And the moment I became aware, I lost my powerlessness. I was set free from the control of others.

Even better, I am now freer than anyone else and can even soar up to the skies.

I am in a position where I can easily have my will.

After all, I have become one with Reina Kamisu and can freely make use of her.

This is how I use the perfect mask that is Reina Kamisu.

Or perhaps it is how Reina Kamisu uses me.

Either way, all that is left is to head straight for my goal.

Until everything crumbles into dust.

Until I crumble into dust.

===4===

Reina Kamisu is a concept that belongs only to me. Even if the phenomenon can exist by itself now that it has received the name of Reina Kamisu, it is safe to assume that its scope is still limited to myself at this point.

However, the people around me can clearly see Reina Kamisu.

For example, if your view is obstructed by some kind of white haze, you may interpret it as a ghost or as a white cloth, or you do not even bother yourself with the question of what it is at all, but you can see it in any case.

Likewise, other people can clearly see her. The perfect mask I have obtained by losing my soul certainly exists. I may be the only one who interprets her as the phenomenon Reina Kamisu, but they can see something that is different from what I see but that is essentially the same.

For example, it might be yourselves reflected by the one-way mirror.

"I will die in a few days from now."

I say something that can be interpreted in many ways.

"Die?"

"Yes."

"You?"

Which leads Ryoji-san to start puzzling over the deepest meanings of my words. All that is left for me to do is to to say the things he wants me to say. I do not get an answer from him. All he can do is present his answers to Reina Kamisu.

Alas, dear brother, with so few hints you cannot get it right!

As always, Ryoji-san engages in fairly solid reasoning and drifts off from the answer more and more.

I say the phrase I prepared for him:

"Go to my room when the time comes."

The mirror is there. Reina Kamisu is there. Of course, she is only visible to me, though.

This is my way of putting a curse on him. A curse that I am afraid he is unable to lift for the time being, for—

"I will die."

—Right. Because I will die.

This will cause him to use Reina Kamisu and aggravate the curse I put on him. There is a low probability that he might notice that it was not really me who he has seen, but if that happens then so be it. It would that he earned himself the right to be released.

"—but only metaphorically."

Right, I may die but Reina Kamisu will not.

And as long as Ryoji-san's own Reina Kamisu does not die, the curse will persist.

Death.

It is a tool that is most useful in the event of controlling someone's heart.

It has a tremendous emotional impact and can even be destructive depending on how you use it.

Death is unavoidable and of equal significance to everyone.

Therefore I decided to take advantage of it.

I start to make preparations.

I start to make preparations, using my Reina Kamisu.

Step by step, my vengeance gets executed.

After school, Mitsui-san called me out. While I do not know what she needs from me, I cannot turn her request down in front of everyone, since I am using Reina Kamisu.

My assumption is that she is seeking for help after being hurt by Kawai-san.

"Is it that you want to come back to our conversation the day before yesterday?"

"...No, that's not it," she says with eyes that do not see Reina Kamisu. They see me, not Reina Kamisu.

I suddenly feel a little unsettled.

Might her missing ability to see Reina Kamisu get in the way of my plan of vengeance? Her words bear far less weight than Reina Kamisu's, so I doubt that anyone would listen to her even if she tried to stop me. If, however, there are more people like Mitsui-san who can see "me" to some degree, they might give an ear to her.

What should I do? What if Mitsui walked around spreading her suspicions?

"After all, there's no bullying or violence. I'm just being hated by everyone. Even if the situation improved superficially, the actual hostility wouldn't disappear."

"Do you think so? I am convinced that this artificial hate would disappear with time once we took care of the problem on a superficial level. After all, it is just the peer pressure that is influencing them."

I fail to come to a conclusion.

For the time being, it might be a good idea to display my influence.

"Besides—I can take care of their hostility deep down, too."

It is but the truth, and Mitsui-san is aware of that.

She is left speechless.

We arrive at the back of the gym where she wanted to take me. The secretary of the student council, Anna Fuyuki, has already been waiting here and seems to be in a state of horrible agitation. It is quite obvious what is going to happen now.

I glance over to Mitsui-san.

Fuyuki-san is not someone who would willingly confess her love, let alone have Mitsui-san, an enemy of Kawai-san's, help her arrange it. That means that Mitsui-san has coerced her into this situation.

Why?

Before I arrive at an answer, however, Fuyuki-san opens her mouth:

"Sorry for ... calling you out to such a place."

"No, I do not mind at all."

I would like to catch a glimpse of Mitsui-san's facial expression, but Reina Kamisu is not allowed to avert her eyes from the earnest girl in front of my eyes.

Is that also part of her plan? No, I doubt she is that scheming.

Fuyuki-san struggles for along time to let out a single word, but eventually succeeds:

".........I love you."

Her words are extremely powerful. There might be no ill will in them, but they are essentially a threat. If I am basing my threat on my death, she is basing hers on her fragile and honest feelings.

They are so pure that they cannot be easily crushed.

Reina Kamisu fails to reply offhand.

"...I love you," she repeats.

Reina Kamisu manages to respond her pure feelings with a smile.

"Thank you, but I am sorry..."

And crushed them.

She crushed her pure feelings.

"...Thank you...for your time..."

With these words, Fuyuki-san disappears. The Reina Kamisu inside her should be fine, but ... it was a close call.

The total energy of emotions does not change so easily, but their direction does. Especially in cases like this.

Well then—

—Yukimi Mitsui is the greater problem right now.

I look at her. Ah, as I thought.

Her gaze is piercing through Reina Kamisu and reaches me.

"—Why are you looking at me like this?"

"Well, you said that you stayed on my side, didn't you?"

"I did, yes."

"Even if I look at you in this manner?"

"...Yes."

"You know, I noticed something when you promised to stay on my side. And just now I confirmed my assumption through a little experiment.

"Reina Kamisu, you do not have a soul."

No soul.

I did not expect her to figure out that much. Most impressive.

"...No soul? What do you mean?"

I feign ignorance, however, because it might be a wild guess on her part.

I must not readily admit to it. If she has really seen through me, my fears that she might stand in the way of my plan of vengeance could turn out true.

"Oh come on ... Kamisu-san, you're just a pretty shell without any content inside. You can't react in a differentiated manner to our behavior."

Interesting. Referring to me a "shell" is quite an accurate simile. For someone who does not see my content, Reina Kamisu, I certainly must look like an empty shell.

"It's true that I forced Fuyuki-san to confess to you, but her feelings for you are without a doubt real."

"Yes, I know."

"But you shooed her away."

"Shooed her away? Indeed, I was sadly unable to give her my consent, but I think I have replied to her sincerely. Or do you think that I should have beaten around the bush and told her a sweet lie instead, Mitsui-san?"

"No, that's not what I mean."

"What do you mean, then?"

"Looks like you really don't understand. Alright, listen, Fuyuki-san was serious. Do you have the slightest qualms for turning down her honest feelings for you?"

"I do."

I am perfectly aware that I crushed her pure feelings and even had difficulties doing so. However—

"On the surface, that is, right? After all, your sad expression vanished into thin air the moment she left."

—You cannot say that I have feelings of guilt?

"You only managed to bear feelings for a heartfelt confession at the moment when it occurred. The very instant you looked at me, your interest in Fuyuki-san died out!"

"You are over-interpreting things ... no?"

Wrong. It is just as she says. I can no longer explain my way out, but I must.

But I am not able to. Mitsui-san has understood me. By observing others, she has understood what Reina Kamisu is. She correctly assessed me and was convinced of her assessment when she saw my reaction to Fuyuki-san.

Driven into a corner, I make a slip of tongue.

"Or do you perhaps think that every single student at this school would obey if I told them to commit suicide?"

I accidentally tell her part of my plan.

I expected her to deny it. She could not possibly have such a fine understanding of me.

However—Mitsui-san replied without missing a beat:

"They would."

I am at a loss for words.

"I don't know what you plan to do at this school—maybe nothing at all—but I just want you to know that I realized that you're not normal. You're irregular. And you're aware of that more than anyone else. Yes—"

"—You can't be human."

How accurate.

Reina Kamisu is a phenomenon and I am her vessel.

Neither of us is human.

The following day I learned that Fuyuki-san had cut her wrist.

Beyond doubt, that confession was the cause. Fuyuki-san is a precious sacrificial lamb of mine; if I do not take measures, she might turn unusable because she is most likely planning to dissociate herself from me as it is. Do I look for a substitute, do I give up on one sacrifice, or do I get in touch with her and bring her back in order? After some wavering, I decide for the latter.

I walked to her classroom before school started, sneaked a peek inside, and found her sitting at her desk, hanging her head. She was easy to recognize thanks to her friends surrounding her. To my relief, Kawai-san was not among them.

As I enter the room I create a stir. With widened eyes Fuyuki-san notices me and immediately looks away. I suppose this is the natural reaction in this case.

Nonetheless, I walk up to her without hesitation.

"Fuyuki-san."

Surprised that I called her name, her eyes widen once more.

"H-How can I help you?"

"I would like to talk. Can you spare me a moment?"

Fuyuki-san nods a few times with her eyes still rounded.

"Thank you. Then ... yes, would you be so kind as to follow me to the second music room?"

She nods a few times again and follows me.

"Um ... what would you like to talk about?"

While she is waiting for me anxiously, I approach to the piano and sit down on the stool. To my chagrin, I have to admit that I have grown accustomed to this stool.

"How is your wound?" I ask with my gaze turned at her bandage, ignoring her question. I am expected to first worry about her wound.

"Ah ... I was just being stupid ... you don't need to worry about it, Reina-san."

"Please do not say that."

"No, but ... um ... it's not your fault, Reina-san..."

Oh, that is what she worried about? That suits her personality.

"Do not cut yourself anymore, all right?"

"......Yes," she nods hesitantly, which is fully understandable. Every child knows that one should not hurt oneself, and yet Fuyuki-san cut her wrist. She had to.

Fuyuki-san has been suffering enough to find herself in this situation—

—and thus longs for Reina Kamisu.

"...I have come here today, Fuyuki-san, to talk to you about yesterday."

Her face darkens as she hears me say so.

"Allow me to be direct ... Mitsui-san forced you to say it, right?"

After a few moments of hesitation, she replies, "Yes..." and adds, "but—"

"I thought so," I interrupt. I will not let her finish that sentence. "I was unable to properly handle your confession yesterday."

"Huh—?" she gasps and raises her face in surprise.

"I was unable to answer you honestly in the presence of a bystander, let alone the culprit who schemed it."

"W-What do you mean by this?"

I smile and say, "Now, please listen to my real reply: We are both girls, so I am afraid that we cannot become a couple."

"Yes ... I understand."

"However, I can accept your feelings nevertheless."

"W-What...?"

"This is quite difficult to express ... it might be more appropriate to say that I can be by your side while acknowledging your feelings for me. Going out with each other does not quite catch the nuance ... I really cannot think of an accurate term."

Fuyuki-san is left flabbergasted, but as the meaning of my words slowly gets through to her, she starts to blush.

"E-Err—"

"Are you unhappy with that?"

"N-No! By no means! I actually ... I wanted to become like this! Just ... feeling the same for each other ... is enough for me ... well, I guess ... I was dreaming of this kind of ... slightly special relationship."

"Is that so? Excellent," I comment with a smile. I can tell that she is charmed by me. "But have to warn you."

"Y-Yes ... what is it?"

"If possible, you should refrain from telling anyone about this. You understand why, right?"

"Y-Yes, of course."

"So why do we not make it our little secret?"

"—Our little secret..." she mutters with flushed cheeks and replies, "Yes!"

Our secret, yes?

Fufu, I am afraid that is not quite true.

It will be your very own secret, Fuyuki-san.

"Please take good care of Reina Kamisu."

Because—

—I will no longer be around later today.

As I explained to Mitsui-san, it is in my current power to control others. It would be child's play to get rid of Mitsui-san by taking advantage of Kawai-san.

But I did not do it.

Not because I thought it would be cruel. I do not possess human emotions anymore. As she correctly stated, I have lost interest in others.

And yet I did not do it. Even worse, I learned from Fuyuki-san that Mitsui-san was in danger and went there to intervene.

"Why ... why did you save me? I mean, I was so impudent as to say that you're 'not human' yesterday."

Why did I save her?

I wonder why?

I am not sure, but probably—I was happy.

I was happy that someone said I was "not human," that someone truly saw me.

"Did I not promise to be on your side? Besides, to be honest, I would like to avoid that cruel stuff even if I am not human," I explain my way out, because that is the answer she wanted to hear.

Aah, I am empty even in front of her. I am just a shell.

If ... If I met her a little earlier, perhaps I would have not turned into what I am now? No, I suppose there never was room for such an if scenario. I was born with this fate, floated all the way here—and will scatter.

"I'm so jealous."

I was not a little surprised to hear that.

Jealous. It is a word that I hear on a regular basis. However—Mitsui-san said so while understanding me.

"Jealous?"

"Yeah, I'm jealous. I could—do without a soul."

I see...

I finally found out. Why has Mitsui-san been able to look properly at me?

It is because to Mitsui-san, I was her Reina Kamisu.

Everyone sees Reina Kamisu through me, the ideal in the view of the observer.

Mitsui-san said she was jealous of me because I have no soul.

Right. Mitsui-san, too, sees Reina Kamisu through me. She, too, sees her ideal in me. However, I happen to be her very ideal; her Reina Kamisu is practically identical with me. She has no need to see Reina Kamisu because I am close enough.

That is why she could directly observe me.

"I want... I want to become like you, Kamisu-san."

"Do you want me to give you a hand?"

"Huh...?"

I was happy.

I felt accepted for the first time in my life.

Because of that, my facial muscles moved on their own. I have no means of knowing what my face looked like because it was an uncontrolled expression.

I am so happy, therefore let me grant your wish.

Luckily, it is in line with both my plan and the means I am going to employ.

"Oh, erasing your soul is not all that hard, really!"

Right, if Mitsui-san views me as her ideal, then she should be able to interpret a special meaning into my words.

My deep words and my death will guide her to the place she wishes to be.

"I will help you get there!"

Just like the others.

Of course, I have not the slightest idea where that will be.

I stationed Mitsui-san at the second music room where my body will pass during the fall. The only task that remains is to add the girl who has the strongest tendency of seeing Reina Kamisu to my plan.

Where might she be?

Just as I thought so—

"Reina-san!"

She, Kawai-san, called my name.

Nobody is as obsessed with Reina Kamisu and cleanliness as Kawai-san. She was longing for an unstained, beautiful person, and found it in Reina Kamisu.

Ignoring the fact that a person fulfilling her requirements does not exist.

"You have come at the correct time. I was searching for you."

"Is there anything I can help you with?"

"There is something I wanted to tell you," I explain briefly. Not many words are needed anymore in her case.

"Please take good care of Reina Kamisu."

This will make sure that she will pursue Reina Kamisu for the rest of her life. While I do not know where she will find her Reina Kamisu, I have a hunch that—

—it is where I am headed now.

I go to the rooftop.

＊＊＊

Reina Kamisu is already waiting for me when I arrive at the rooftop. She has broken free from the mirror. Well, she has always been right by my side since the moment I admitted her existence.

"Now you only need to fall down from here, is that right?"

"Yes, that will be the last step."

Fortunately, there is no one else here.

No, perhaps we are not alone. Perhaps I am subconsciously ignoring someone.

I do not mind either way as long as it does not impede my plan.

"I do not understand. How does this result in vengeance?" she asks.

"Well, I doubt that your role includes understanding my plan..."

"Would you mind disclosing some of it to me?"

"Sure."

"I am quite sure of this, but let me ask nonetheless. Having Kawai-san, Fuyuki-san and the others follow you into death is not what you consider your vengeance, right?"

"Exactly," I answer while searching for a place where I will fall past the window of the second music room.

"Should I think of your vengeance as something abstract?"

"Abstract...? No, I mean it quite literally. I suppose it can be considered abstract in the sense that it is hard to predict to what degree my plan will prove to be successful."

"...What is your plan, then?"

I shall answer her.

Ah, this tension in my facial muscles—I felt the same tension when talking with Mitsui-san earlier.

Oh, I remember this feeling now.

I am—

"To kill people!"

—laughing.

"Of course, I have no idea how successful my plan will be, but I want to kill people. I want to kill as many of them as possible. But not with ordinary means. I could only kill so many if I built a nuclear bomb. Would it not be a shame if there was no hope to kill more? If possible, I would like to wipe the entire human race from the face of the earth."

"How frightening. But how does falling down from here result in killing people?"

I finally find a good place that can be observed from the second music room. This will make sure that Mitsui-san will also have her soul erased.

"How I am going to kill? It is truly simple," I smile at Reina Kamisu. "I will use you!"

"Use me...?"

"Yes. Mind you, I am not talking about my interpretation of Reina Kamisu, but about your essence, about 'the phenomenon that can become visible.'"

"You want to use me as a weapon? Don't be silly. I have no power by myself. As you said, I am just a phenomenon that can become visible," she argues.

"That is more than enough."

"Poor thing. It seems like you have gone insane for good."

"I will not deny it. But although I may be insane, I can still think logically."

"Lunatics all say that."

I grab the fence. It seems to be stable enough to support my weight.

"What do you think will my fall from here cause?"

"...Let me think. First and foremost, you will die. After that, the people you prepared might end up committing suicide. Some kind of vicious cycle might even ensue ... but eradicating the human race is definitely impossible."

"You are right. I will die, Kawai-san and a few other people will die, and this marks the end of my preparations."

I lean against the fence and look Reina Kamisu straight in the eyes.

"This will allow me to overwrite your information."

Reina Kamisu gazes at me with utter surprise.

"Overwrite my information, you say?"

"Yes."

"Do you mean that you are going to redefine me as a phenomenon that kills people?"

"Exactly!"

"Even in the unlikely event that you succeeded in overwriting my information, what you plan to do would be impossible. Again, my sole power lies in 'becoming visible.' You could just as well tell a human to fly!"

"You do not need any new powers. You are fully capable of killing people as you are now."

"What was that...?"

"I just need to pin you!"

"'Pin me'?"

"At the moment, your shape is so vague that people refer to you by various names like god, angel, or whatnot. I will thus pin you to a single shape, by adding a new condition required to see you."

"Meaning...?"

"I will give you the fixed name Reina Kamisu."

"I do not understand. How does that give me the power to kill?"

"Do you not get my point? If you receive the name Reina Kamisu, you will no longer be just a vague concept but a 'person.'"

"That might be true, but what of it?"

"Your nature entails taking on the role your observer needs the most, right? What if you take on that role as a 'person'? Well, you will become the most important person to that observer. However, ultimately you are nothing more than a phenomenon, and once your observer realizes that, he will despair."

"And that is enough to kill people?"

"At least in the case of those who are desperate enough to seek you. Besides, do not forget that you will become Reina Kamisu. Do you know what this implicates?"

"...No, I don't."

"Nomen est omen. The name is a sign. For example, it is not possible to give you a boy's name because you are the Idea of Female Beauty. Likewise, it is not possible to give you the name of an object like an air conditioner, goggles or a toilet seat.

"However, it is possible to give you the name Reina Kamisu, and the name will bind you to a human appearance.

"And that is not all; there is more to this name. Originally, you are a phenomenon that only has a vague appearance, but you lose this vagueness by receiving the name Reina Kamisu. Your appearance will be reminiscent of me, and so will your nature. Right—"

While laughing I say:

"—the very name of Reina Kamisu will kill people."

"Fairy tales. As a matter of fact, you have not killed a single—" she pauses. "Wait—is that why you made those 'preparations'?"

"Exactly. I will now lead Kawai-san and the others to death. While I cannot predict how many of them will die, my plan is to make them die. To murder them. To attach an image to the name Reina Kamisu."

Reina Kamisu is at a loss for words. However, she quickly recovers and points out, "This is a well-thought-out delusion, but I am afraid that the premise is not established. How do you prove that it is even possible to overwrite my information?"

"Sadly, I have no proof."

"As I thought."

"But it makes sense, no? At the very least, the people I 'prepared' will see you. As Reina Kamisu, of course. Other students of this school or acquaintances of mine might also become able to see you and call you by my name. If so many people start to refer to you as Reina Kamisu, the odds are not too bad for your information to be changed the way I aspire to, right?"

"...I suppose the chances are not zero."

"That is enough for me to take the risk. I will sacrifice my own blood and that of several young girls and pray to create this curse. If that fails, then so be it."

With these words, I climb on the fence and stand on top of it.

I look down.

All I can see is the vicinity of the Junseiwa School, but that is just fine. Ultimately, my own world was no bigger than this, and yet I loathe the entire world. Unreasonable? Why? Isn't that human nature? Isn't it human nature to judge the whole by a part? The world is not kind to me. It is trying to dispose of me. It is ignoring me. That is why I will scatter, cursing anything and everything that belongs to this scenery.

"...You are a horrible person for dragging me into this."

I hear Reina Kamisu's voice behind me.

"Of course. You also belong to the things that I loathe."

"...What?"

"You are also a target of my vengeance, dear Reina Kamisu."

"This makes no sense. You said yourself that I am you and you are me."

"And that is exactly why—"

I bite my lips.

"—I hate you."

"I wanted to see myself in the mirror. You were uncalled-for. I wanted to be normal like everyone else. But—I could not! Because of you! Because of me!"

I am surprised by myself.

My voice is rough with anger? I am irritated? At whom? At Reina Kamisu?

...No. At myself.

I have not lost my feelings and I am actually turning them against myself.

But—

—I decide not to think about the meaning of this.

"I am going to take revenge on you. You will continue to exist for all time as a curse named Reina Kamisu, as a being that torments people."

"...Is that really what you wanted to accomplish?"

I unwittingly turn around to her.

"What do you mean...?"

"You could not see yourself in the mirror, right? You were just as blind to yourself as everyone else, right? Then how on earth would you be able to know what you want?"

"I don't know," I say bluntly and look ahead again, at the world I despise. "All I can do is—loathe this world that shows no understanding for me."

In response, Reina Kamisu whispers:

"If only you realized that everyone has to cope with the mundane feeling of not being understood in some way..."

Shut up.

I do not want to hear that nonsense.

I covered my ears.

And jumped.

＊＊＊

Everything tilts and tilts and tilts—

The despicable sky is colored dark red.

You do not change a bit even now.

I may be able to soar up to you.

But I am damned to fall.

I cannot reach so far.

I can only reach the bottom.

Oh sky!

Oh twilit sky!

Just like the sun that dyes you red every passing day,

I shall continue to dye you red with the blood I spill—

So at least—

—Do not forget me.

<noinclude>
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| Back to [[Kamisu Reina:Volume 2 Sakura Kawai|Chapter 3]]
| Return to [[Kamisu Reina Series|Main Page]]
| Forward to [[Kamisu Reina:Volume 2 Epilogue|Epilogue]]
|-
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</noinclude>

Kamisu Reina:Volume 2 Sakura Kawai

2019-04-09T05:02:52Z

SighingSlider: /* Chapter 3: Sakura Kawai */

==Chapter 3: Sakura Kawai==

===1===

The thought of how thin the ice was I have always stood on until now makes my skin crawl. I have been wiggling left and right like a balancing toy, prone to leaning over—or falling over—any time.

Japanese religion counts thousands of gods.

But doesn't that just mean that people could not decide on a single one? The god you cherish can't be the same as mine, and the god he cherishes can't be the same as yours. In other words, we all consider different things important.

There is no such thing as an universal god.

In other words, there is no god.

If you are able to look at things in a somewhat objective light and look at the state nowadays, then you will see: It is foolish to believe in something.

What people ultimately believe in are tangible things. Money. Because money is much more certain than intangible things like love and friendship. People believe in money, the inorganic, equivalent and quickly betraying thing that gets stained with finger marks in people's pockets and created day by day by human hands at the bank.

It's filthy in a way.

And yet, I knew that nothing could help me better than money, and that I could even buy love and friendship if I used it the right way. In the end, I believed in money in every respect. On one side, those old, wrinkled banknotes that came and went to and from my pocket were dear to me, and the other side, I felt filthy and ended up in despair.

Ultimately, in my world there was nothing to believe in, nothing to hold on to.

I wanted to believe in something beautiful, something pure.

However, there was no such thing no matter where I searched and even if I tried to believe in something, I couldn't shake off my doubts. I ended up trembling in fear of falling.

But that time has ended.

[Plink]

Whenever I think of what creates and defines my foothold, the "Heroic Polonaise" starts to play in my mind. This transparent and vacant and false and mechanic yet transcendental melody is my guide to a steadfast world.

If I were to describe it as an image, then it would be a lake with water so transparent that I forget that there is water.

What I believe in?

—Reina Kamisu.

I do therefore not forgive people who deny her.

But because everybody knows how beautiful and splendid she is, I did not have to deal with such a person. It was unthinkable that someone would deny her.

However—

Yukimi Mitsui appeared and denied Reina-san.

Enemy! She was my enemy! She was the enemy of us who believe in Reina-san!

I could not let her get away with this. Never.

Denying Reina-san is equivalent to destroying my foothold, to putting me back on thin ice. I could not allow that. What right did she have? "Who do you think you are?" I thought and actually asked her.

However, she ignored my warning and chose to remain my foe. Her attitude was a clear message of enmity to me and the other believers.

Yeah, you have got some nerve. I'll fight you back, then.

I told the members of the student council, which was constructed of students who also believed in Reina-san, about Yukimi Mitsui. That was enough to arrange her removal from the Junseiwa school. This place is full of people believing in Reina-san, who also consider anyone who denies her their enemy.

I was satisfied.

After I had launched a devastating attack at my foe, I was already satisfied.

I was forgetful.

A baited cat may grow as fierce as a lion

Yes, satisfied with making an attack, I forgot to keep my guard up.

Blood.

When I returned to my room at the dorm, my roommate Anna Fuyuki was lying in her own blood in the shower room.

For a few moments I was overwhelmed. Absent-mindedly I gazed at the blood flowing down the drain, at the razor blade, at Anna's naked body as water showered on her, at her left wrist and the straight cut, at the blood spilling from there, and finally I screamed, "Anna!" as I rushed to her and held her.

Brr!

Anna has been taking an ice-cold shower, but that is hardly the only reason why she's so cold. Red blood. Milky skin. Blue lips.

Aah, what should I do? I-I must stop the blood ... B-But warming her body comes first. And I have to call the ambulance. Aah, where to start? Why did this happen, anyway?

Only after I take a deep breath it occurs to me that I should stop the shower.

"...Sakura," Anna mutters.

"Why did you do this...?"

"...Sorry for ... troubling you," she says without answering my question. There's no need for her to apologize!

I shake my head and dash out of the room with a "wait a second!" I can't cope with this alone. I need help. After I fetch Yuuko Kasuga and Emi Tachibana from the neighboring room, I have Yuuko bind up Anna's wound because she aspires to become a doctor. In the meantime, Emi calls the ambulance and informs the head of the dorm, whereas I wipe Anna with a towel, put her underwear on, and wrap a blanket around her.

"I'm so sorry..." she keeps apologizing while we are helping her.

To my relief, the flow of blood stops surprisingly easily. "It's not deep," Yuuko whispers into my ear.

"I'm sorry ... I'm so sorry ... I didn't mean to trouble you!" Anna cries.

I shake my head a few times.

Anna, why do you keep apologizing? Didn't you just cut yourself impulsively because something hurt you? Then why—

"———"

A thought suddenly crosses my mind.

The cut is not deep according to Yuuko, but when I found Anna, she was bleeding profusely.

Most likely, she had cut her wrist moments before I arrived at our room.

No ... considering how hard she is apologizing, something else suggests itself.

Anna cut her wrist in the very moment I arrived here.

We have been living here for over a year; I think I know Anna fairly well. I know about her family problems and the fact that she's so weak as to cut her wrists, and I also know that she's so weak as to be afraid of dying.

Self-harm is a little different from attempted suicide because the scars are made for others to see. They're a message to the world that screams "look how much I'm suffering!" Then who did Anna want to send this message to?

The answer is quite obvious: to me.

Anna is weak.

She does not believe in her own strength, she undervalues herself, and because of that, she is dependent on others. She thinks she can't solve her problems on her own.

Anna wanted to show her suffering to me. She wanted me to save her.

"I'm sorry ... I'm so sorry..."

As she keeps weeping, I give her a hug.

"Sakura...?"

"It's okay, don't worry!"

We have a savior.

We have Reina-san.

After a short while, the ambulance arrived (of course we made sure that Anna wore her clothes at this point). I got into the coach together with her and kept holding her hand on our way to the hospital. By the time we arrived, her hand had turned a little warmer than it initially was.

Since the blood flow had already stopped, there was no need for a blood transfusion. The treatment of her wound didn't take too long; I sat next to her and watched as the doctor scolded her, saying "Don't do this again," and proceeded to disinfecting her wound and binding it up. As a side-note, her parents didn't come. I don't know if they were even contacted, though.

After we left the hospital, I took her to a café that serves delicious black tea. I figured that we would end up getting home a bit late, but I was sure the chief of our dorm wouldn't sound us out after what had happened.

I ordered Darjeeling tea, Anna ordered apple tea. We both kept quiet while we were waiting for our tea to be served.

During that time, I sneaked a few peeks at the bandage around Anna's left wrist.

The cut may have been not that deep, but considering the amount of blood that spilled, this is going to leave a scar.

I wonder if Anna is even aware of the graveness of that scar?

There is only one reason for a scar in a place like this. As soon as someone sees it, that someone will immediately look at her in a different light.

...No, that's still a minor issue.

The one who should not look at this scar the most is—Anna herself.

No matter how happy her life, she will always have this scar with her. And whenever she looks at her wrist, it will remind her of the moment she cut herself. She will become anxious again. She will have to face her family issues and the actual reason that led to the self-harm over and over.

　They say that with every sigh you lose a bit of your happiness, which I can fully understand. After all, if you think you're unhappy, then you will inevitably turn unhappy regardless of your actual situation. Once you persuade yourself of your own misery, you will blame everything on it. Met with an accident? Because you're hapless. Got dumped by your lover? Because you're hapless. Lost in that lottery? Because you're hapless. Tripped? Because you're hapless. Your haplessness becomes the source for everything, even though there might be valid other reasons. Things that you would originally not even care about feel like mishaps. And since you think it's your fate, you keep falling down into misery for the rest of your life.

In this sense, Anna's scar is a much clearer sign of "misery" than a sigh, and as such, a much stronger curse that attracts misery.

Our tea arrives. I use this as a sign to start a conversation.

"Anna, what's wrong?"

She ponders for a moment and, for some reason, eventually decides to shake her head.

"It's ... nothing."

"Of course there's something."

"No ... as I once told you, living is painful to me, Sakura. It hurts so much to live. This feeling has been growing for a while now and simply reached the limit."

Is she lying? No. I can read as much off her face.

However—

"But there has to be something that triggered it. You wouldn't cut your wrist without a reason."

I am sure of that. Otherwise, there would be no point in harming herself in front of me.

My remark was correct, apparently: Anna casts her eyes down.

"Come, Anna, tell me about it."

However, Anna hesitates long enough for me to finish my Darjeeling tea, and yet she subconsciously wants to say it. She is not faltering, she is just hesitating. I'm starting to get annoyed.

In the next moment, however, my annoyance is blown away.

"I can no longer be by Reina-san's side."

"Huh?"

In utter surprise, I forget to place my tea cup back on the table.

"Reina-san rejected me."

What is the meaning of this...?

Reina-san rejected Anna?

That's not possible. Reina-san does not make exceptions when associating with people. If she would reject someone, then because—

"Anna ... did you perhaps confess your love...?"

"...I did," she nods with tears in her eyes.

Yes. If Reina-san were to reject someone, then because that someone approached her up to that distance.

"Why would you do that?! Reina-san cannot be degraded to a love interest. I can understand the urge to have her all for yourself, but why would you betray us and risk to be rejected by—"

Suddenly, it clicks with me.

Anna would not do something like this of her own accord. That's just not her personality. She would never take a risk so big as to cut her wrists while knowing that she hardly has any chances.

Then why...? Why did Anna confess to Reina-san?

"———"

Ah, of course.

"...Who threatened you, Anna?"

Her tear-stained eyes widen.

"You weren't just talked into it, right? You're the type of girl who would keep some distance if the other girls joked about 'confessing to Reina-san.'"

"..."

"Who was it that threatened you?"

"..."

Anna does not answer. She must have been told to keep quiet about it. Or perhaps she's just afraid of angering the culprit.

Considering her gentle nature, she might just want to avoid hurting that person.

After all, I'm not willing to forgive the culprit.

It goes without saying how deep the sin and how severe the punishment of taking Reina-san from one of us is.

A world without Reina-san ... Aah, just picturing it to myself makes me feel as if I was drying up from the inside.

Because the liquid that is Reina-san is drawn out of my body...?

Indeed ... as a matter of fact, Anna did also lose her own red liquid.

That's the horrible thing the culprit did to Anna.

I will kill her.

I will kill that culprit!

"Who was it, Anna?" I ask again.

"..."

"You have to tell me; she made you cut your wrist!"

"...But..."

"No buts!"

"...I mean..."

"...Fine. I'll just have a guess."

There are only so many suspects. Firstly, it can't be one of "us." Apart from the fact that "we" understand the pain of losing Reina-san, we would choose another method even if we wanted to bully Anna because there was a chance that she would succeed. Then again ... Anna is not a person with many enemies. In fact, I don't know of anyone who dislikes her.

That means that the culprit is not set against Anna herself, but "us" as a group.

—A person who is hostile against "us"?

I know one. I know someone who fits the bill perfectly.

"Yukimi Mitsui."

From the expression on Anna's face I can read that I am right.

So it was she, eh?

That scumbag who made fun of Reina-san, eh? So after insulting Reina-san, so even hurt my weak Anna?

I'll kill her.

I'm gonna kill her!

I resolved to eliminate Yukimi Mitsui from the Junseiwa school.

There is no doubt that it was she who cornered Anna. A few other students witnessed how she took Anna somewhere (and I'm shocked that they did not step in to help her).

I purchased our weapons through the Internet and drilled down her personal information. As most of the students at this school, her family environment turned out to be very peculiar. This piece of information will be useful to torment her.

Together with Yuuko, Emi, and other students who loathed Yukimi Mitsui for what she did to Anna, I proceeded to executing the elimination plan. We will show no mercy to our enemy. It is important to choose your friends and foes wisely, especially at our age where we are still weak by ourselves. If you show mercy to your enemy, you will end up suffering yourself. Anna did not take part in the elimination. Poor thing. That's why she has to suffer!

After school, we first make sure that Reina-san isn't around and then march into Yuki Mitsui's classroom. The disquieting air about us causes the other senior students, who are still present, to look at us, but because Yukimi Mitsui is the center of trouble, they don't intervene.

"What is it?" she asks snappily. "What does the bunch of you want from me?"

I ignore her barking and press my stun gun against her side.

"Ugha!"

She sinks into a crouch.

"Hmm? What was that strange screech about?" I smirk and, as I look down at Yukimi Mitsui, who is holding her side, I command, "Senpai, mind tagging along with me"

She looks up at me with—haha!—fear written all over her face.

"...Where?"

"Just shut up and follow me, okay?"

She didn't dare to resist or escape. Quite satisfied by that, we walk to the back of the gym.

Once we arrive at our destination, I order my companions to keep watch and turn to Yukimi Mitsui, who is clearly intimidated by us (although she is still trying to look brave), with a scowl.

"So I heard what you did."

"...Did what?"

"Want to play dumb? Remember what you did to Anna Fuyuki?"

She screws up her face and averts her eyes without a word of denial.

"You think you're funny, huh?"

I proceed to corner her with the information I gathered, the weapons I bought, and piercing words. Even she could not help losing heart. But my anger hasn't been vented yet. I kick her in the stomach. It's not enough. I haven't vented on her enough. She made fun of Reina-san, she made fun of "us", and she hassled Anna. I can't forgive her. She hurt "us". I won't forgive her.

And yet...

"My head."

"Hah?"

"That's where I want the first blow! Why don't you beat my head?"

Despite the situation she is in, she started to provoke me.

She completely blew my fuses. That just burned a few of the wires in my head. This girl is playing me for a fool, thinking that I won't really beat her. She is belittling me, thinking that I'm just a tag-along who's clinging to Reina-san. She is looking down on me. She thinks I'm a dependent piece of shit. Don't you think you can make a fool of me! I'll show you what I'm capable of! I'll eliminate you not only from this school, but from this very world that Reina-san lives in!

I raise my club.

"What are you doing there?"

All of a sudden, Reina-san's voice reaches my ears.

I lower my club again. Yukimi Mitsui seems to be just as surprised as I am. It's unlikely that she called her.

"Reina-san?"

"I am very discomforted by this sight. There will be consequences if you beat someone with that thing."

"No, it's OK! It doesn't matter what happens to her! She's making fun of us! More importantly, she's making fun of you, Reina-san! That's unforgivable!"

However, Reina-san calmly brushes off my yell and counters, "If you are doing all this for my sake, then I wish you to stop. I am not angry at Mitsui-san."

"That's ... because you're kind, Reina-san..."

"Please stop," she says in a slightly insistent tone. It might really be just slightly in all objectivity, but this is the strongest expression of intent in Reina-san's scale.

Why would she stop me? Yukimi Mitsui is a jerk who even tormented Anna and—

"—Ah."

I look at Reina-san.

I see ... she knows everything. Of course, I'm mad at Yukimi Mitsui for making light of Reina-san.

However, I only went this far—or at least I only thought of murder—not because of Reina-san, but because of Anna.

I was about to use Reina-san as a pretext for avenging Anna.

As such, she has all the right to stop me. She would never approve of being an excuse for taking revenge on somebody. No, her word is absolute to us either way.

"...OK..."

So I have to obey.

We gave up on using violence on Yukimi Mitsui and walked away from the gym. Since I was disheartened by Reina-san's clear denial of my actions and the others were aware of that, we exchanged no words for a while.

We then called it a day. Only my neighbors, Yuuko and Emi, stayed with me.

"Was that really okay?" Yuuko asks.

"...Nothing we could do, was there? We can't just disobey Reina-san!"

"No, that's not what I mean."

"Huh?"

"I was just wondering if it was okay to leave Reina-san alone with Yukimi Mitsui."

I immediately returned to the back of the gym, but they had already left. I headed to the school building.

Yukimi Mitsui must not be underestimated. She can be very belligerent, and on top of that she must be irritated because of what we did to her. God knows what she's going to do to Reina-san, the person who symbolizes "us."

Needless to say, harming Reina-san is on a whole different level compared to harming Anna.

But Yukimi Mitsui might have turned desperate and plan to soil our symbol.

I run around on the school grounds back and forth, and at last, find Reina-san in the corridor where the second music room is located.

"Reina-san!"

She turns around to me. At a glance, it doesn't seem like she was hurt in any way.

"Kawai-san?"

"Are you all right? Did Yukimi Mitsui do anything to you?"

"Mitsui-san?" she asks and then smiles. "It seems that you have a false picture of Mitsui-san. She is not the kind of person who would do anything to me."

"I don't have a false picture of her. But ... are you really unhurt?"

"Yes, of course."

I let out a sigh of relief. Apparently, my fears were ungrounded this time.

Reina-san gives me a wry smile.

Suddenly, I feel horribly embarrassed as I recall that she has willfully denied my actions earlier.

However, her next words blow me away.

"You have come at the correct time. I was searching for you."

"What?!"

Me? Reina-san was searching for me?

"Is there anything I can help you with?"

Reina-san nods with a smile.

"There is something I wanted to tell you."

"Ah ... I feel honored."

"You are exaggerating."

As if!

"What is it that you wanted to tell me, if I may ask?"

With an ever-so-beautiful smile, she said:

"Please take good care of Reina Kamisu."


Ten minutes later Reina-san died.

===2===

I picture Reina Kamisu to myself.

Above all she is beautiful. It's as if she was perfection given form. No, you could even say that she is perfection.

She is water so pure and transparent that you can't tell where it starts. I tasted from this pure water and had my life saved by it. A human body consists to 70 percent of water. In other words, 70 percent of my body consists already of Reina-san.

The water that is Reina-san is becoming clouded? The foothold is collapsing?

Impossible.

The conclusion that can be drawn is simple.

Reina Kamisu is not dead.

"Reina Kamisu isn't dead!"

Yukimi Mitsui said so.

Even the girl that I considered my enemy said so.

She also claimed herself as a subordinate of Reina Kamisu.

Quite frankly, I underestimated Reina-san's excellence.

I was under the impression that by being with her I was able to increase her value to some extent. Of course, I was completely wrong! Reina-san had no problems showing her splendor to its best advantage even in places that are outside my circle of influence.

Therefore, it's perfectly possible that plans for feigning her death came to be without my knowing.

How they did it?

I don't care. The only thing that matters is the fact that she's alive.

Besides ... would Reina-san even need any realistic means for something as minor as feigning her death?

Of course not.

Reina-san can overcome even death.

I met Reina-san's brother, Ryoji-san. He has also noticed that she's still alive. That makes him the third one of us and proves that it's an undeniable fact that Reina-san's alive.

On his request, I showed him around in school. He acted a bit strange here and there, but he also said this to me:

"I don't know what Reina wanted to achieve by scattering, but I do know the cause."

"What is it...?"

"The cause is—you and your friends."

I was confused at first.

What is the meaning of this? It was us who made her scatter? Has her brother perhaps gotten to this conclusion by talking to me?

Reina-san scattered because of ... us?

No, Reina-san scattered for us.

Which means...?

Right, Reina-san feigned her death for us.

I see. That would explain why she chose to feign her death at this school. It was all for our sake. Reina-san is trying to save us hopeless lambs.

Right, we are hopeless.

Anna, for example, suffers because of her family problems. I, for example, am unable to see anything but a dark, dull future. Because there is no god in this world, there is nothing to depend on and there is no hope for us.

That doesn't make sense!

This system is way too unbalanced. Too unfair. Too absurd. How is that OK? Everything's a lie except for the things that hurt? That's cruel!

Therefore, Reina-san can't be dead.

No, she can't be dead.

She can't be dead.

She's alive.

A-L-I-V-E.

I will kill everyone who dares to claim that she's dead in front of me. Because they're too stupid to be kept alive. Why do these ugly maggots even breathe even though they are blinded by commons sense, even though they believe in nothing but money!

Reina-san simply disappeared somewhere because of some reason.

"Please take good care of Reina Kamisu."


The meaning of her last words starts to dawn on me.

She entrusted me with a task.

What task?

To preserve her place for when she appears again.

Reina-san is not dead, but only very few are aware of it. At this time, it's only Yukimi Mitsui, her brother and me. There may be more, but the number stays small. Moreover, there must be people who have doubts about the lie that is Reina-san's death, but they are lacking evidence.

However, it's true that the lie she spread is very cunning. So cunning, in fact, that the lie will become true once everyone starts to believe it. I don't want to state the obvious, but the dead can't coexist with the living. Dead people lose their relation to the living.

Reina-san will come back, but I feel that her return is bound to certain conditions.

After all, Reina-san is trying to save us. Salvation does not come to people who don't believe in salvation. Therefore, those who forgot her, those who lost faith in her will not be saved. There is no reason for her to appear in a place where she has been forgotten, in a place that is outside the range of her salvation.

It means that I have to make sure she has a place to return to.

In order to meet Reina-san—in order to meet again her again—I have to keep her place unoccupied.

I see! This is a trial.

A trial to test my faith in Reina-san.

As a way to arrange a place for Reina-san, I chose to take advantage of my position as the president of the student council. I asked the teachers to let me have a speech at the monthly assembly and received permission.

The day of the assembly arrived in no time. Through the microphone the teacher who presided over the assembly says, "The president of the student council would like to take the floor." Following his announcement, I climb on the stage and encounter almost five hundred faces, some of which are older than me, some of which are the same age, and some of which are younger than me. Most of their gazes are directed at me. I've gotten used to this sight. After receiving the sign, I, the teachers and the nearly five hundred students bow to each other.

I survey the audience.

Nearly five hundred people. This is hardly anything when comparing it to the numbers used by the mass media, but it's quite an overwhelming sight nevertheless. Is it really in my power to reach their hearts and project Reina-san into them? I don't want to admit it, but Yukimi Mitsui was right when she remarked that my charisma has dwindled. The weight of my words depends on whether or not Reina-san is present. Is it really in my power to show them the right path?

Don't falter! The more numerous the audience, the better. I don't need to convince all of them. I only need enough of them to create a place for Reina-san.

I open my dry mouth:

"Good morning, my dear schoolmates. My name is Sakura Kawai and today I would like to address Reina Kamisu's suicide."

Their gazes focus on me as I address the hottest topic at school. Everyone knows that I took on the position as president of the student council from Reina-san, and that I was her primary servant. They must be fairly curious about what I have to say about this subject.

"As you all know, Reina Kamisu was a special student. I am certain that I do not need to lose any words on how special she was. As such, many among you must still be confused by the sad news of her death. Many among you must still be mourning for her. I was one of them, too."

The students who noticed that I used past tense start to whisper to each other. Not a week has passed since Reina-san throw herself from the rooftop; in normal circumstances it would be impossible for me, her primary servant, to overcome the sadness of losing her.

"However—"

As expected, the majority of the students are all ears for my words. I deliberately choose to provoke them.

"—Let me be frank. Only a fool would be sad about her death."

My words create a general stir.

The students start to exchange glances and the teachers become alarmed. I don't mind if they stop me in the worst case, as long as I can communicate the important things. I only need to get their attention. Some of them will be curious enough to approach me of their own to hear the rest, and I will tell them. My thrilling ideas will soak through them and then automatically spread among the rest of the students.

My network is extensive enough to pull this off, even without Reina-san.

"Why is it foolish? Before I answer this question, let me read your mind."

I feel almost all of their five hundred gazes on me. Excellent.

"Certainly, you were all shocked by her suicide. You are bewildered and you are sad. But above all, do you not have a 'fuzzy feeling' in your chests? Do you not feel that something is wrong?"

As I stand on the stage, I discover a few students who nodded.

"I know what that 'fuzzy feeling' is. Let me get straight to the resolution: you have this feeling because you think that Reina Kamisu might still be alive."

My words create yet another stir.

"Please do not misunderstand me: I mean it quite literally, not in the clichéd sense of her living on in our hearts. Her metabolism is still intact. You may say this is absurd, but then answer me: Can you deny it with all honesty? Can you really say for sure that Reina Kamisu is dead?"

To be frank, I'm only spitting nonsense. A fuzzy feeling? Well, of course they have that feeling! After all, Reina Kamisu, the person who occupied a large part of their hearts, died (they think) from one day to the next without a reason! How could they not have ruffled feelings about it?

However, the ones who fell for it and bought my explanation for their fuzzy feeling will think that everything I said might be true.

Some of them might naturally see through my trick, but can they deny my words with certainty? Can they pass on the compelling thought that Reina Kamisu might still be alive, just to deny what I said? Can they thrust the ones who got their hopes up back into the abyss of despair, even if they were certain it's a lie?

Reina Kamisu is dead. Reina Kamisu is alive. If you had to choose one, you would choose the latter.

If both options are hard to believe, then you would choose the latter.

It's a shame that I have to trick them, but sadly, only few are able to see the truth like me. It's highly unlikely that anyone understands Reina-san like I do.

I proceed to the final blow.

"Dear colleagues, my ideas must sound absurd to you, and I am aware of that. I would laugh it off as ridiculous if I was one of you.

"But ... it is the truth.

"All of you who are laughing at my words will be laughing out of the other side of your faces next week. Why? It's simple."

Yes, I understand Reina-san.

I know the answer.

I only need to give them a glimpse of the answer.

"Because next week, on the first day of July, Reina Kamisu will come back."

My speech turned out less successful than anticipated. The majority view seemed to be that my claims were too implausible, and because this became the mainstream, the people who actually believed me could no longer openly say so.

I don't think it was wrong to hold a speech. Actually, I'm positive that it was the best choice I could make. However, it seems like the world has become too science-oriented to leave room for the thought that someone could resurrect from the dead. Damn ... aren't men the ones who are supposed to only make logic decisions? Our society makes it hard to spread correct ideas. Even psychics who clearly have some sort of power are called fakes these days.

But I don't care.

I haven't failed.

It's true that the majority are fools who are unable to question Reina-san's death, but they're only the majority.

People who believe me, who believe in Reina Kamisu, may be the minority, but they do exist.

"I also thought that Reina-san is still alive! I was relieved to hear that I wasn't the only one who thought so!"

"That 'fuzzy feeling' you mentioned was really preying on my mind. You took a huge weight off my mind when you pointed it out to us and uncovered the truth behind it."

"Reina-san is still alive! There's no way she would die, is there?"

"I'm not entirely convinced ... but if you are so certain of it and even know when she's coming back, I want to try to believe you."

"I never believed that Reina-san was dead!"

People who said things like this appeared before me. 17 in number. Most of them were third-year students who inherently spent more time with Reina-san than the younger generation. 17 is not a large number compared to 500, but it's not so small, either, if you think of it as half a class.

Is Reina-san going to appear again even with such a small number? Though a little anxious, I decide to be optimistic.

I mean, Reina-san is much smarter than me. She must have foreseen that I would only be able to convince a small number of people even if I did my best. But most of all, the girls who believe in her "presence" are the ones who long for salvation so hard that they have no other choice but to believe in her "presence." Reina-san would never abandon them.

However, that doesn't mean that we can sit back and wait. Just thinking that Reina-san might still be alive is not going to bring about any progress.

What we need is unification. Unified prayer. We have to focus our prayers so strongly that they will reach Reina-san.

That is what has to be done to accomplish Reina-san's return.

In order to proceed to action, I told "the girls" who believe in Reina-san's "presence" to assemble at the Student Council Room after school. By the way, part of the student council, which also includes Anna, also believe in Reina-san's "presence."

It's unfortunate that I'm the only one who "knows" of Reina-san's "presence," but it's not a problem. I only have to guide "the girls" to this knowledge.

It's Thursday, the 29th of June. The first of July will be the day after tomorrow. Time is running out. I have to make sure that "the girls" will make a beeline for our goal without getting sidetracked by anything.

After we assembled at the Student Council Room, we had a long conversation. About Reina-san. About our devotion to Reina-san. About our selfless love for Reina-san. About our relation to Reina-san. About our need for Reina-san. About the importance of Reina-san. About how Reina-san feigned her death. About why Reina-san disappeared. About how Reina-san is going to affect us in the future. About how Reina-san's Reina-san is Reina-san and Reina-san can Reina-san with Reina-san to be Reina-san. Unfortunately, six of the initial seventeen members could not keep up and left our ranks, but the rest of us were able to talk about Reina-san without end. In this manner, we deepened our trust in Reina-san and synchronized with each other.

However, talking only about Reina-san does not suffice. If Reina-san were a diamond and you wanted to fascinate someone with it, you could preach about the diamond's beauty as long as you want and still achieve nothing. Fortunately, they are already fascinated by the diamond that is Reina-san, but still it doesn't suffice. "The diamond suits you!" "It makes you charming!" "You need it!" Similarly, by talking about why we need the diamond and why we have to be fascinated with it, we can strengthen our faith in Reina-san.

"Anna?"

I decide to start with Anna, the easiest target, because she's my classmate, my roommate, the secretary of the student council, and a cutter. Not only can I predict her answers, she is in dire need of Reina-san. She's also a perfect case for the others to listen to.

"Do you have those moments when you feel tired of living in this world?"

Her eyes widen as I pose an unexpected question. It's obvious how she will answer this.

While looking at the bandage on her wrist, she replies, "...All the time."

I nod as compassionately as possible. The other girls, who have been talking with each other, start to give us their attention.

"...Do you also feel like this sometimes, Sakura?"

"Sure," I answer.

"That's a little surprising."

"Do I not look like someone who would get tired of living?"

"Mhm. I mean, you're clever, flexible, and pretty. You ... are good at making your way, I guess? I thought that people like you don't think like that."

"Good at making my way ... huh? Perhaps you can say that. But what if that's exactly why I'm suffering?"

"...Huh?"

"I'm clever. I'm also popular enough to make it to the student council president, although I may have gotten backup from Reina-san. I know how to make my way. I'm a realist. Because of that, I was unable to believe in anything and also unable to depend on anything."

Talking about yourself first is a common trick to break the ice. It will unlock Anna's heart.

"I understand that you don't have it easy, either," Anna says and adds hesitantly, "...But does it really make you suffer?"

"It does! When you're a realist, you lose the ability to have dreams, you know? For instance, let's assume I wanted to become a writer. In that case, I would realize that it's futile before even trying. There are thousands and thousands of aspiring writers, but only a small fraction of them make it, and only another fraction is able to get by.

"Because of my position in the student council, I often find myself surveying all of our students from the stage. Almost five hundred. That's an overwhelming number! If only one of those five hundred received the talent of succeeding as a writer, how many lots would I have to draw? Do I have that talent right now? Of course not. I never was the best in anything."

"...Mhm."

"When you're a realist, you look up, and when you look up, you see an endless sky. Why would I have the privilege to go all the way to the top? How could I soar up into the sky when I'm currently crawling on the ground? Do you understand, Anna? This is the pain of being realistic."

"...I think I understand."

"Tragic things like child abuse, divorce and accidents aren't the only things that make us suffer. I think that it's the things close to us that really torment us."

Everyone nods in agreement. I know that they all feel discontent with something in their lives.

How should we be optimistic in a world where nothing ever works out? How should we have dreams when we can't even make it into the University of Tokyo, which counts more than 3000 admissions every year? If we earnestly tried to accomplish our dreams, all we would get is scoff at believing in skills we don't have. That's why we give up. Realistic thinking bereaves us of our future and makes us give up. This is how the world throws us into the abyss.

"What about you, Anna? What is tormenting you?"

Anna remains silent. Not because she doesn't want to answer, but because she doesn't know how to word it.

"...I often wonder why I'm living," she eventually says with her glance cast down. "Because it doesn't matter whether I'm alive or not."

"That's not true, Anna! I'd be sad if I lost you."

"Mhm, thanks. But ... that's it."

"What do you mean...?"

"You'd be sad and that's it. Or would my death follow you for your entire life? Would you mourn for me for the rest of you life?"

"I—"

Of course, I would be sad if Anna died. I would probably cry. But ... I don't know how long that sadness would last.

"If I died a shocking death, it might subsist as a trauma. If I died young, you might remember it for that. But in that case, you wouldn't remember me but only my 'death,' right? I'd only live on as a bad memory, which means that my value is negative.

For example, if I went missing, I'm sure you would be worried about me in the beginning, but after only a month you would hardly talk about me anymore, and after a year you would have forgotten me. I think that I don't mean much to all of you."

"That's not true!"

I'm aware that I sound a bit phony.

Of course I care about Anna. She's a good girl—the type who gets along with everyone. On the other side, in many senses you will never find a person of this type in the center of a group. In short, she's one of many. Anna is never the center.

"But Anna, listen ... if, for the sake of the argument, we wouldn't mourn for you so long, what about your family?"

Anna suddenly contorts her face.

Aah—looks like I put my foot in it.

I immediately realized it. The moment I saw her self-ironic　face when I said the word "family", I realized what her answer is.

The answer to my question is "no" and more importantly...

This is the cause for Anna's view on life.

"My family?" Anna sneers with her eyes cast down. "Even though I only have a father who hasn't exchanged a word with me for over a year?"

I couldn't ask about her mother. Nothing good would come of it.

"...Oh, why would anyone care about or understand me when even my family doesn't?"

No one understands her.

I would like deny that, but again, I can't.

It's a fact that her father did not come when she cut her wrist. Of course, she cut her wrist to show me her wound, but at the bottom of it is her family, her father who neglected her.

No one understands you.

Exactly.

The same applies to me: nobody understands me. People are so good at feigning understanding that I sometimes almost buy into it, but in the end, nobody ever understood me. Everyone always dismissed my worries as the wailing of a pubescent, spoiled girl.

Even though they were so defining to me.

Nobody understands my values and beliefs, and I don't understand the values and beliefs of anybody.

Therefore I'm sure I can't understand Anna, either.

"Aah—why do I live...?"

Anna is serious.

To Anna, who is in the firm belief that even her family lacks understanding for her, living can't be enjoyable. She must be wishing to disappear like melting snow. Just like me.

Will this sentiment ever disappear? Will we find ourselves doing some generic office work in our future, and giving birth to cute babies while experiencing twinges of emptiness from time to time? Is that what we will become to survive?

Just thinking about it makes me sick.

This thought is so realistic. So filthy.

We may have been foolish, but we were pure.

"Anna."

"Hm?"

"This sucks."

"Yeah, it does."

"This world sucks."

"It does."

"It's painful, right?"

"It's painful!"

"Do you want to be saved?"

"I want to be saved!"

"Do you want to see Reina-san?"

"I want to see Reina-san!"

Dear God, whether you exist or not.

We need salvation.

I demand of you to return Reina-san immediately.

"Reina-san is different from us," I say.

"Yes, she is different. She is incredibly pretty and perfect and I'm sure that there's a meaning to her life even if there's none to ours."

"Yes, I agree."

"...Yeah."

"Unlike us, she does not have any fixed definitions that predefine her life."

"Yeah."

"Then how do we want to define Reina-san?"

Anna and the others look up into space.

"Aah—"

—Their eyes start to twinkle.

"—I see now," Anna mutters. "Aah, I see ... I see!"

"You're right, Anna. Listen, everyone, you found the answer!"

There's no need to explain everything. There can't be a need to explain everything, otherwise it wouldn't be believable.

I only needed to lead their way to a sentiment they already have.

"Living is so painful to us, which is why ... Reina-san lives."

Reina-san is water.

She is sweet water that fulfills you the more desperate you are.

Reina-san bears a deep meaning just by existing.

A person like her—

"She can't be dead," someone says.

"Reina-san is alive," I assure with a nod. "And—she will appear on the first of July."

Ah, at last!

They all made it there.

===3===

Anna has become reliable.

She could even tell where Reina-san is going to appear, now that she arrived at the conclusion that Reina-san is alive.

"If she disappeared on the rooftop, wouldn't she also appear there again?"

I see. That stands to reason.

I can't believe that she was able to deduce this without my guidance.

The other girls who had made it to my level also become reliable and were able to discover the answer.

We head to the rooftop.

It's still eight in the morning. As we make our way to our destination, we receive the blessing of the sun that is shining brightly through the windows.

Such fine weather during the rainy season! This must be a sign from heaven.

While keeping an even pace we walk up the stairway. With cheerful smiles. With eerily beautiful and uniform smiles. For we acquired a goal that we can live for without any hesitation and distractions.

The sparkling door comes into view.

Beyond that door. Beyond that door, Reina-san is waiting.

I lay my hand on the shining door.

"Wait, Sakura."

Somebody calls my name from behind. Slightly disgruntled, I turn around and find Yuuko. She is one of the blinded fools who didn't believe me and think that Reina-san were dead.

"What's the matter, Yuuko?" I ask in a calm tone of voice because there's no point in getting angry at her.

"...That's my line! You're not allowed to go to the rooftop, and you should know that."

It's as she says. While I did go there once with Reina-san's brother, it has officially been forbidden since Reina-san's incident. However, because the students of this school are generally trusted, they didn't lock the door.

"Today is the first of July, right?"

"Well, yes," I answer Yuuko's obvious question.

"Girls ... do you really, really believe it? That Reina-san is alive?" she asks, looking hesitantly at each of the twelve of "us". "And that she's on the rooftop? That's what you think, right?"

"Yes!" I assert without hesitation.

"...As you may know, my family runs a hospital."

I nod.

"I often went there when I was a child," she explains. "My father gave me free entrance because he thought I could learn something. I often made friends with elderly people.

"And I often had to see them dying."

"...What's your point?" I ask.

"You know my point. What I want to say is something that every child knows: the dead do not come back to life again. That shouldn't be news to you girls."

"Reina-san isn't dead."

"You just don't want to admit it!"

"Reina-san isn't dead," I reply calmly.

Oh dear ... Yuuko knows nothing. Unsurprisingly so.

Yuuko seems a bit daunted because I didn't show any signs of becoming angry, but she continues nevertheless:

"...You'll only be disappointed if you go past this door, Sakura! What you will find isn't a bright future, but the bitter truth that Reina-san is dead."

"That's not possible."

"Even if you were to find her ... then it's nothing but an illusion!"

"If you're so certain, then why don't you come with us, Yuuko?"

"Huh?" she utters with an open mouth in response to my apparently unexpected proposal.

She must be thinking that only "we" are allowed to be there.

"You don't mind, do you?" I ask my companions and they nod peacefully. "So? Coming with us?"

"...Fine," she sighs after some hesitation.

You shouldn't be sighing, Yuuko ... you'll lose some of your happiness!

I lay hand on the door again and—open it.

Light.

"—Aah!"

The world opens itself to us.

And then—

And then—

—I was taken in.

Just like then, just like our first encounter, I took in her, who is water, or maybe she took me in.

I listen carefully.

Instead of Chopin's Heroic Polonaise, her transparent and vacant and false and mechanic yet transcendental voice reaches my ears.

"I am delighted to see you all again."

Amidst the light she spoke to us.

Amidst the light Reina Kamisu spoke to us.

As I beheld her beautiful countenance, I started to cry and shiver with excitement.

"Reina-san," I say. The others follow suit and mutter her name as well, also crying and shivering with delight.

Aah, they can see her just like I do. Wonderful. Nothing stands in our way to happiness now!

Poor Yuuko seems to be thunderstruck by the sight of who we are looking at.

"Forgive me for keeping you waiting," the beautiful girl apologizes with an apologetic smile.

"It's OK! We believed in your return."

"Thank you."

Reina-san responds to my words. Aah! That alone makes me so happy!

"Reina-san...! So you feigned your death to save us, right?"

"Yes, exactly."

"If you don't mind, could you explain to us why there was a need to do that?"

"I am afraid that it might be a little complicated. Do you mind?"

"Of course not."

"As you can surely feel, Kawai-san, this world is rotten."

"Ah, so it's as I thought."

"It is impossible to become happy in this world. Suffering is the only option. If you deceive yourself and turn a blind eye to various things, however, it is possible to obtain an illusion of happiness. But since it is only an illusion, it means that you are not really happy by definition."

"This sounds so rotten."

"Yes. Hence, there is no happiness or salvation as long as you do not disengage from this world. This is why I decided to temporarily leave this world and search for a better one."

Does that mean that she counts as dead in this world? ...No, the idea of death is of no importance. As a matter of fact, Reina-san is standing before my eyes. That's all there is to it. There's no need for me to investigate further.

"And—I discovered our paradise. Therefore, I have appeared here again."

All that's left is to give myself entirely to Reina-san.

"It is a place free of suffering, where everything is gentle, where everything is enjoyable, and where everything is beautiful."

I listen closely to her, completely in raptures. The same seems to apply to the others.

We are going to be saved.

I'm so happy that I believed in Reina-san.

I'm so—happy.

"I am afraid to say that I am not able to remain in this world. In fact, it is questionable if you can even say that I am here right now. I may have only just arrived, but I will therefore disappear once more from here temporarily."

Please don't. I don't want to be separated.

"Are you not going to take us there right now?"

Reina-san shakes her head.

"I cannot take you there anytime. It is difficult to explain, but ... please picture to yourselves hundreds upon hundreds of holes. Once our minds leave our bodies, they are judged based on various conditions and then thrown into one of these holes. Some of them lead to worlds that are even worse than here.

"To some extent, I can control which hole you will be thrown into. However, depending on the 'time', which is one of the various conditions, it might not go well."

"I understand."

Reina-san nods sadly. "I will appear here again tomorrow at six o'clock in the evening. I am sorry ... time has run out. I shall see you tomorrow."

With these words, Reina-san disappears.

She did not walk away, she literally vanished.

I look around. My companions, too, still seem bemused and are gazing at the place where Reina-san was standing. Some of them are also talking to themselves as though in trance.

One among them is showing a different reaction, though. I approach her.

"What do you say now, Yuuko? Reina-san's alive, isn't she?"

Yuuko turns her head to me like a rusty robot. On her face I recognize exceeding bewilderment.

In all that bewilderment, she slowly opens her mouth and asks:

"What kind of joke is this?"

—I don't understand.

Why would she say that after such a miracle?

"Why are you all gazing into space and crying?"

Yuuko is looking at the place where Reina-san was standing.

No, that's not quite accurate.

She is simply looking at the place where our gazes meet, with fear in her eyes.

"Sakura! Come to your senses! For crying out loud—"

"—Weren't you the first person to find her body?!"

Was I, now?

Aah, yes, I was.

I completely forgot about that because it doesn't matter.

Because of that, I also told her brother that I hadn't seen how Reina-san fell.

I mean, what of it?

Is that supposed to prove Reina-san's death, or something?

===4===

I was smiling from ear to ear and almost started skipping along.

"Please take good care of Reina Kamisu."

Aah, she wasn't annoyed at me after all! Reina-san needs me!

Suddenly, I heard a scream.

I raised my head to look what was going on.

An instant passed.

In this instant...

A tragedy took place in front of me.

It—

It fell not with the elegance of cherry blossoms, but just like a heavy lump, following the laws of physics, and with a thump.

A warm liquid squirted around and stuck to my skin.

———

Time stopped.

No way.

This is a lie.

As a matter of act, my flow of time was in complete disarray, going faster and slower at random, and it felt much more unrealistic than a dream even ... at any rate, it was a lie.

After all, Reina-san had just told me to take care of her, which clearly was in conflict with the thing that just happened, and, aah, at any rate, this was a lie. What's the deal with ... this? Why did this, huh? I don't get it. At any rate, it was a lie, a lie, and a lie, so I silently laughed aloud.

The hideously deformed something that resembled Reina-san and yet was completely different stared at me.

It stared at me without doubt.

It stared at me with bloodshot eyes.

And it moved its lips and jerked its bloody red tongue.

"—D-O N-O-T F-O-R-G-E-T M-E."

Since there was no sound, I could not hear anything, but it certainly tried to form these words.

Something was clearly out of order. Something was a lie.

This something before me was clearly not Reina-san. After all, it was obviously filthier than anything I'd ever seen. Filthy = Reality? Reality? So it had nothing to do with Reina-san. This something could impossibly be Reina-san. Impossible.

Aah, where are you, Reina-san?

Where have you gone? Did you die? Did you disappear because this something stole your soul?

I don't understand.

I don't understand. However.

If I don't find the answer, Reina-san will disappear.

===5===

Neither Yuuko, nor Emi, nor the other people tried to stop us. We made it to the second of July without any trouble.

The only unexpected thing was that one of our companions stubborny claimed, "Reina-san did not say anything about assembling tomorrow at six o'clock!" It was unexpected, but I concluded that she didn't make it to our level and gave up on her.

We go again to the rooftop. Unlike yesterday, a gentle rain is falling, which is a shame but still better than seeing the moon, because the moon always follows us around.

Suddenly, I notice that somebody is sitting in front of the door to the rooftop. Did Yuuko not learn her lesson...? No, it's not her. It's not one of girls who fell through, either. Upon seeing me, the girl stands up.

"You're going to meet Reina-san, right?"

I recognize her voice.

"Oh, you're here as well?" she continues. "Didn't she turn you down?"

I see how Anna stiffens.

"What do you want, Mitsui-senpai?"

Yukimi Mitsui.

One of the servants who arrived at the knowledge of Reina-san's "presence."

"Do you want to join us? I'm sorry, but I haven't forgiven you even though you may be a servant of Reina-san's. I can't let you come with us."

"Join you just to meet Reina-san? Ha!" Yukimi Mitsui sneers. "I don't need your help for that."

"...What was that?"

"I'll be damned if I resort to your means," she laughs and steps aside. She continues in whispers, "I'm here to warn you."

"We don't need your warning."

"Don't misunderstand, okay? I don't care what happens to you, but if this is the last time we meet, I want to get it off my chest at least," she says and flashes a grin. "My worship of Reina-san and yours are as different as snow and ashes."

"...Well, I don't want to be thought hand in glove with you, either!"

"Huhu, is that so? Well, why don't you go ahead and meet your Reina-san? Bye then. We probably won't meet again."

"Goodbye," I say without even turning around to Yukimi Mitsui, who is waving her hand. After stroking Anna's hair gently, I walk up the stairs again, and—

—open the door.

A gentle rain is falling.

Reina-san is already waiting for us in the center of the rooftop.

Reina-san is waiting, smiling and without getting wet..

"Sorry to keep you waiting, Reina-san."

"Why, no, it was me who kept you waiting, Sakura."

I nod with a lopsided smile.

As the rain soaks our hair and clothes, we are reminded of our physical body through the unpleasant feeling. Sadly, this acid rain is filthy and thus can't wash us clean.

We need purification.

"We don't have much time, right? Please tell us how we can go to your world, Reina-san."

She nods. "It is simple. You just have to employ the same procedure as me."

The same procedure...

I recall the chalk line I examined together with Reina-san's brother.

"Do we have to jump...?"

Reina-san nods again.

"I know that it requires courage. I would like to use a different method as well, but there is none."

I look at the others.

They look at me.

They may not say so verbally, but their eyes are clearly telling me to take the lead. We are all afraid. Of course, we trust Reina-san, but we all know that the panic of falling and the pain of hitting the ground are things that cannot be avoided.

Indeed, I have to take the lead. I have to jump first and show them their way. Just like I have been doing so far.

However—

"I'm sorry, but I can't jump first."

Surprise and discontent appear on their faces.

"There is something I want to confirm at the end."

"Can you not do that now?" Anna asks and I nod in response.

She surveys me, then the bandage around her left wrist, and eventually smiles.

"Okay—I will jump first, then."

Surprised but impressed, we applaud to her.

"Anna ... thank you so much."

"No, you don't need to thank me ... It's an honor to be the first to go to Reina-san!"

I'm so proud of Anna. The source of her present strength may be weakness, but it's still strength.

Anna climbs on the fence in a somewhat clumsy manner and stands on top of it. She almost slips because the rain is getting stronger and thus making the fence slippery. Careful, Anna! Don't fall! Hm? Ah, stupid me. You will fall either way.

Anna stands upright atop the slippery fence and speaks straight ahead:

"Reina-san."

"Yes?"

I can't see Anna's face because she's looking forward.

"I will never forget what you said to me yesterday. I was really happy when you said that you would always need me even if nobody else did."

Reina-san nods.

"My scar will disappear once I reach the other world, right?"

"Yes."

"...I'm so happy."

I'm moved.

Reina-san did a great job.

"I will always need you even if no one else does."

This is the very thing Anna wanted to hear the most.

It would sound false from anyone else's mouth, but if Reina-san says it, it's the truth.

But then—

—I don't think I remember Reina-san saying that?

"Sakura," Anna suddenly calls me, interrupting my thought process.

Anna is still looking forward, beyond the rain, so I still don't know what her face looks like.

"Yes, Anna?"

"—Thank you."

Her voice falls downward.

And is cut short.

Anna vanished and spoke simultaneously.

"Thank ... you...?"

Why?

Why would she thank me?

It's Reina-san who saved Anna, and it's Reina-san who will guide her to a better world. You probably can't even say that I bridged the gap between her and Reina-san.

Thank you ... words of gratitude.

But this makes it seem—as though I was the one who brought about this ceremony.

As I'm overcome with this strange confusion, my companions continue to jump one after the other. And before they jump and scatter, they all cite words that I don't remember hearing from Reina-san and give their thanks to me like Anna did.

Watching them makes me feel as though I were looking at artificial flowers that have withered.

Eventually, I end up alone with Reina-san.

The rain has gotten even fiercer. I might catch a cold, I think for a brief moment and sneer at myself.

I'm the last one.

"Kawai-san," the undrenched girl says. "What is it that you wanted to confirm?"

"Yes, there is something I wanted to ask you no matter what."

"Why did it have to be now, 'at the very end'?"

I look at the floor. A water drop drips down from my hair and enters my eye, making me feel filthy from the inside.

The reason why it had to be "at the very end."

It's—because I couldn't let the others hear it.

"Reina-san."

"Yes?"

"It's so hard to explain and I don't know how to put this, but please bear with me."

"Who are you?"

Reina-san remains calm. She is still smiling.

"You're Reina Kamisu, of course, and that's the only way to call you. You are no doubt Reina Kamisu.

"But—you are not the Reina-san who played the piano, are you? You are someone else."

"...Why do you think so?"

"I was always fascinated by Reina-san, but she always made a somewhat strange impression on me. I don't know what it was, but I do not get that impression from you."

Reina-san silently listens to me.

"It's an ambiguous feeling. Perhaps, my memory is playing tricks on me because I haven't met you in a long time, but ... I doubt it."

"Why do you doubt it?"

"Because it's the former Reina-san who gave me that strange impression. If it was the other way around, it would make sense ... but ... as a matter of fact ... you feel way more genuine to me than the previous Reina-san. Isn't it strange that you feel more genuine now than before?"

The rain is getting stronger and I'm starting to get worried if my voice even reaches her.

"If," Reina-san starts. "If I am a different being than before, what will you do?"

"It doesn't matter," I respond without missing a beat. "You are Reina Kamisu. Nothing else."

"Yes," she nods. "I am Reina Kamisu, and nothing else," she says with her beautiful smile. "If you say so, may I tell you the truth?"

"Yes. My decision won't change."

I walk up to the fence and lean against it with my back. I don't even want to think about the sight down there.

"I am a phenomenon that becomes visible to those who believe in my existence."

"...A phenomenon?"

"To you and your friends, I am Reina Kamisu, because that is what you named me. If given a different name, I adapt accordingly. For example, some call me 'god' and some call me an 'angel'. By being given a name, I take shape and become visible."

"...Do you lead the people who can 'see' you to another world?"

"This is the role you gave me."

"But I wasn't the only one who believed so," I argue.

"That is because you took the lead over them and defined my role for everyone. All I ever do is fulfill my purpose."

I defined her role?

It's true that I guided them to believe in Reina-san's "presence," but that's all I did. Reina-san is the one who is to do the rest and save us.

Right, I'm not to blame.

Not to blame?

What? What am I talking about? Blame? What blame? I only did the right thing and struggled to break free from this filth and didn't believe in Reina-san's death and, aah, yes, that filthy corpse wasn't Reina-san's. It wasn't hers, so I realized the truth and now I'm facing Reina-san in person and, aah, I was right from start to finish. Impressive! I didn't do too bad, did I?

"I ... I don't care anymore."

I climb on the fence.

Like Anna and the others, I stand upright and gaze straight ahead.

"You are Reina Kamisu."

"Yes, I am."

"You will save us from the filthy."

"Yes, I will."

"Please fulfill your role."

"Yes, I will fulfill my role."

There's no hesitation.

The others jumped down, too. I can't hesitate. It's too late. Wait, too late? For what? I do not need to hesitate anymore. The answer is clear, I only need to carry it out.

One question—

One question suddenly crosses my mind.

I was Reina-san's servant.

But why did I decide to obey her without a single doubt? What was so special about Reina-san?

Of course, she was beautiful. Of course, she felt different.

But ... that's no reason to obey her.

It makes me think.

Everyone admired Reina-san, everyone was captivated by her, so much that she belonged in the same category as "god" and "angels."

But where did that deification come from?

I mean—

—We don't know anything about Reina-san.

I stop thinking.

I won't turn around to her anymore.

I'll just look at her the same way as I always did.

I'll just project my idea of perfection on her and look upon her in a perfect light.

I step forward.

And as I do, I devote my last thoughts to her:

I ... we may have suffered a lot, but—

—she must have suffered just as much.

<noinclude>
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| Back to [[Kamisu Reina:Volume 2 Ryoji Kamisu|Chapter 2]]
| Return to [[Kamisu Reina Series|Main Page]]
| Forward to [[Kamisu Reina:Volume 2 Reina Kamisu|Chapter 4]]
|-
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</noinclude>

Kamisu Reina:Volume 2 Sakura Kawai

2019-04-09T05:00:44Z

SighingSlider: /* Chapter 3: Sakura Kawai */

==Chapter 3: Sakura Kawai==

===1===

The thought of how thin the ice was I have always stood on until now makes my skin crawl. I have been wiggling left and right like a balancing toy, prone to leaning over—or falling over—any time.

Japanese religion counts thousands of gods.

But doesn't that just mean that people could not decide on a single one? The god you cherish can't be the same as mine, and the god he cherishes can't be the same as yours. In other words, we all consider different things important.

There is no such thing as an universal god.

In other words, there is no god.

If you are able to look at things in a somewhat objective light and look at the state nowadays, then you will see: It is foolish to believe in something.

What people ultimately believe in are tangible things. Money. Because money is much more certain than intangible things like love and friendship. People believe in money, the inorganic, equivalent and quickly betraying thing that gets stained with finger marks in people's pockets and created day by day by human hands at the bank.

It's filthy in a way.

And yet, I knew that nothing could help me better than money, and that I could even buy love and friendship if I used it the right way. In the end, I believed in money in every respect. On one side, those old, wrinkled banknotes that came and went to and from my pocket were dear to me, and the other side, I felt filthy and ended up in despair.

Ultimately, in my world there was nothing to believe in, nothing to hold on to.

I wanted to believe in something beautiful, something pure.

However, there was no such thing no matter where I searched and even if I tried to believe in something, I couldn't shake off my doubts. I ended up trembling in fear of falling.

But that time has ended.

[Plink]

Whenever I think of what creates and defines my foothold, the "Heroic Polonaise" starts to play in my mind. This transparent and vacant and false and mechanic yet transcendental melody is my guide to a steadfast world.

If I were to describe it as an image, then it would be a lake with water so transparent that I forget that there is water.

What I believe in?

—Reina Kamisu.

I do therefore not forgive people who deny her.

But because everybody knows how beautiful and splendid she is, I did not have to deal with such a person. It was unthinkable that someone would deny her.

However—

Yukimi Mitsui appeared and denied Reina-san.

Enemy! She was my enemy! She was the enemy of us who believe in Reina-san!

I could not let her get away with this. Never.

Denying Reina-san is equivalent to destroying my foothold, to putting me back on thin ice. I could not allow that. What right did she have? "Who do you think you are?" I thought and actually asked her.

However, she ignored my warning and chose to remain my foe. Her attitude was a clear message of enmity to me and the other believers.

Yeah, you have got some nerve. I'll fight you back, then.

I told the members of the student council, which was constructed of students who also believed in Reina-san, about Yukimi Mitsui. That was enough to arrange her removal from the Junseiwa school. This place is full of people believing in Reina-san, who also consider anyone who denies her their enemy.

I was satisfied.

After I had launched a devastating attack at my foe, I was already satisfied.

I was forgetful.

A baited cat may grow as fierce as a lion

Yes, satisfied with making an attack, I forgot to keep my guard up.

Blood.

When I returned to my room at the dorm, my roommate Anna Fuyuki was lying in her own blood in the shower room.

For a few moments I was overwhelmed. Absent-mindedly I gazed at the blood flowing down the drain, at the razor blade, at Anna's naked body as water showered on her, at her left wrist and the straight cut, at the blood spilling from there, and finally I screamed, "Anna!" as I rushed to her and held her.

Brr!

Anna has been taking an ice-cold shower, but that is hardly the only reason why she's so cold. Red blood. Milky skin. Blue lips.

Aah, what should I do? I-I must stop the blood ... B-But warming her body comes first. And I have to call the ambulance. Aah, where to start? Why did this happen, anyway?

Only after I take a deep breath it occurs to me that I should stop the shower.

"...Sakura," Anna mutters.

"Why did you do this...?"

"...Sorry for ... troubling you," she says without answering my question. There's no need for her to apologize!

I shake my head and dash out of the room with a "wait a second!" I can't cope with this alone. I need help. After I fetch Yuuko Kasuga and Emi Tachibana from the neighboring room, I have Yuuko bind up Anna's wound because she aspires to become a doctor. In the meantime, Emi calls the ambulance and informs the head of the dorm, whereas I wipe Anna with a towel, put her underwear on, and wrap a blanket around her.

"I'm so sorry..." she keeps apologizing while we are helping her.

To my relief, the flow of blood stops surprisingly easily. "It's not deep," Yuuko whispers into my ear.

"I'm sorry ... I'm so sorry ... I didn't mean to trouble you!" Anna cries.

I shake my head a few times.

Anna, why do you keep apologizing? Didn't you just cut yourself impulsively because something hurt you? Then why—

"———"

A thought suddenly crosses my mind.

The cut is not deep according to Yuuko, but when I found Anna, she was bleeding profusely.

Most likely, she had cut her wrist moments before I arrived at our room.

No ... considering how hard she is apologizing, something else suggests itself.

Anna cut her wrist in the very moment I arrived here.

We have been living here for over a year; I think I know Anna fairly well. I know about her family problems and the fact that she's so weak as to cut her wrists, and I also know that she's so weak as to be afraid of dying.

Self-harm is a little different from attempted suicide because the scars are made for others to see. They're a message to the world that screams "look how much I'm suffering!" Then who did Anna want to send this message to?

The answer is quite obvious: to me.

Anna is weak.

She does not believe in her own strength, she undervalues herself, and because of that, she is dependent on others. She thinks she can't solve her problems on her own.

Anna wanted to show her suffering to me. She wanted me to save her.

"I'm sorry ... I'm so sorry..."

As she keeps weeping, I give her a hug.

"Sakura...?"

"It's okay, don't worry!"

We have a savior.

We have Reina-san.

After a short while, the ambulance arrived (of course we made sure that Anna wore her clothes at this point). I got into the coach together with her and kept holding her hand on our way to the hospital. By the time we arrived, her hand had turned a little warmer than it initially was.

Since the blood flow had already stopped, there was no need for a blood transfusion. The treatment of her wound didn't take too long; I sat next to her and watched as the doctor scolded her, saying "Don't do this again," and proceeded to disinfecting her wound and binding it up. As a side-note, her parents didn't come. I don't know if they were even contacted, though.

After we left the hospital, I took her to a café that serves delicious black tea. I figured that we would end up getting home a bit late, but I was sure the chief of our dorm wouldn't sound us out after what had happened.

I ordered Darjeeling tea, Anna ordered apple tea. We both kept quiet while we were waiting for our tea to be served.

During that time, I sneaked a few peeks at the bandage around Anna's left wrist.

The cut may have been not that deep, but considering the amount of blood that spilled, this is going to leave a scar.

I wonder if Anna is even aware of the graveness of that scar?

There is only one reason for a scar in a place like this. As soon as someone sees it, that someone will immediately look at her in a different light.

...No, that's still a minor issue.

The one who should not look at this scar the most is—Anna herself.

No matter how happy her life, she will always have this scar with her. And whenever she looks at her wrist, it will remind her of the moment she cut herself. She will become anxious again. She will have to face her family issues and the actual reason that led to the self-harm over and over.

　They say that with every sigh you lose a bit of your happiness, which I can fully understand. After all, if you think you're unhappy, then you will inevitably turn unhappy regardless of your actual situation. Once you persuade yourself of your own misery, you will blame everything on it. Met with an accident? Because you're hapless. Got dumped by your lover? Because you're hapless. Lost in that lottery? Because you're hapless. Tripped? Because you're hapless. Your haplessness becomes the source for everything, even though there might be valid other reasons. Things that you would originally not even care about feel like mishaps. And since you think it's your fate, you keep falling down into misery for the rest of your life.

In this sense, Anna's scar is a much clearer sign of "misery" than a sigh, and as such, a much stronger curse that attracts misery.

Our tea arrives. I use this as a sign to start a conversation.

"Anna, what's wrong?"

She ponders for a moment and, for some reason, eventually decides to shake her head.

"It's ... nothing."

"Of course there's something."

"No ... as I once told you, living is painful to me, Sakura. It hurts so much to live. This feeling has been growing for a while now and simply reached the limit."

Is she lying? No. I can read as much off her face.

However—

"But there has to be something that triggered it. You wouldn't cut your wrist without a reason."

I am sure of that. Otherwise, there would be no point in harming herself in front of me.

My remark was correct, apparently: Anna casts her eyes down.

"Come, Anna, tell me about it."

However, Anna hesitates long enough for me to finish my Darjeeling tea, and yet she subconsciously wants to say it. She is not faltering, she is just hesitating. I'm starting to get annoyed.

In the next moment, however, my annoyance is blown away.

"I can no longer be by Reina-san's side."

"Huh?"

In utter surprise, I forget to place my tea cup back on the table.

"Reina-san rejected me."

What is the meaning of this...?

Reina-san rejected Anna?

That's not possible. Reina-san does not make exceptions when associating with people. If she would reject someone, then because—

"Anna ... did you perhaps confess your love...?"

"...I did," she nods with tears in her eyes.

Yes. If Reina-san were to reject someone, then because that someone approached her up to that distance.

"Why would you do that?! Reina-san cannot be degraded to a love interest. I can understand the urge to have her all for yourself, but why would you betray us and risk to be rejected by—"

Suddenly, it clicks with me.

Anna would not do something like this of her own accord. That's just not her personality. She would never take a risk so big as to cut her wrists while knowing that she hardly has any chances.

Then why...? Why did Anna confess to Reina-san?

"———"

Ah, of course.

"...Who threatened you, Anna?"

Her tear-stained eyes widen.

"You weren't just talked into it, right? You're the type of girl who would keep some distance if the other girls joked about 'confessing to Reina-san.'"

"..."

"Who was it that threatened you?"

"..."

Anna does not answer. She must have been told to keep quiet about it. Or perhaps she's just afraid of angering the culprit.

Considering her gentle nature, she might just want to avoid hurting that person.

After all, I'm not willing to forgive the culprit.

It goes without saying how deep the sin and how severe the punishment of taking Reina-san from one of us is.

A world without Reina-san ... Aah, just picturing it to myself makes me feel as if I was drying up from the inside.

Because the liquid that is Reina-san is drawn out of my body...?

Indeed ... as a matter of fact, Anna did also lose her own red liquid.

That's the horrible thing the culprit did to Anna.

I will kill her.

I will kill that culprit!

"Who was it, Anna?" I ask again.

"..."

"You have to tell me; she made you cut your wrist!"

"...But..."

"No buts!"

"...I mean..."

"...Fine. I'll just have a guess."

There are only so many suspects. Firstly, it can't be one of "us." Apart from the fact that "we" understand the pain of losing Reina-san, we would choose another method even if we wanted to bully Anna because there was a chance that she would succeed. Then again ... Anna is not a person with many enemies. In fact, I don't know of anyone who dislikes her.

That means that the culprit is not set against Anna herself, but "us" as a group.

—A person who is hostile against "us"?

I know one. I know someone who fits the bill perfectly.

"Yukimi Mitsui."

From the expression on Anna's face I can read that I am right.

So it was she, eh?

That scumbag who made fun of Reina-san, eh? So after insulting Reina-san, so even hurt my weak Anna?

I'll kill her.

I'm gonna kill her!

I resolved to eliminate Yukimi Mitsui from the Junseiwa school.

There is no doubt that it was she who cornered Anna. A few other students witnessed how she took Anna somewhere (and I'm shocked that they did not step in to help her).

I purchased our weapons through the Internet and drilled down her personal information. As most of the students at this school, her family environment turned out to be very peculiar. This piece of information will be useful to torment her.

Together with Yuuko, Emi, and other students who loathed Yukimi Mitsui for what she did to Anna, I proceeded to executing the elimination plan. We will show no mercy to our enemy. It is important to choose your friends and foes wisely, especially at our age where we are still weak by ourselves. If you show mercy to your enemy, you will end up suffering yourself. Anna did not take part in the elimination. Poor thing. That's why she has to suffer!

After school, we first make sure that Reina-san isn't around and then march into Yuki Mitsui's classroom. The disquieting air about us causes the other senior students, who are still present, to look at us, but because Yukimi Mitsui is the center of trouble, they don't intervene.

"What is it?" she asks snappily. "What does the bunch of you want from me?"

I ignore her barking and press my stun gun against her side.

"Ugha!"

She sinks into a crouch.

"Hmm? What was that strange screech about?" I smirk and, as I look down at Yukimi Mitsui, who is holding her side, I command, "Senpai, mind tagging along with me"

She looks up at me with—haha!—fear written all over her face.

"...Where?"

"Just shut up and follow me, okay?"

She didn't dare to resist or escape. Quite satisfied by that, we walk to the back of the gym.

Once we arrive at our destination, I order my companions to keep watch and turn to Yukimi Mitsui, who is clearly intimidated by us (although she is still trying to look brave), with a scowl.

"So I heard what you did."

"...Did what?"

"Want to play dumb? Remember what you did to Anna Fuyuki?"

She screws up her face and averts her eyes without a word of denial.

"You think you're funny, huh?"

I proceed to corner her with the information I gathered, the weapons I bought, and piercing words. Even she could not help losing heart. But my anger hasn't been vented yet. I kick her in the stomach. It's not enough. I haven't vented on her enough. She made fun of Reina-san, she made fun of "us", and she hassled Anna. I can't forgive her. She hurt "us". I won't forgive her.

And yet...

"My head."

"Hah?"

"That's where I want the first blow! Why don't you beat my head?"

Despite the situation she is in, she started to provoke me.

She completely blew my fuses. That just burned a few of the wires in my head. This girl is playing me for a fool, thinking that I won't really beat her. She is belittling me, thinking that I'm just a tag-along who's clinging to Reina-san. She is looking down on me. She thinks I'm a dependent piece of shit. Don't you think you can make a fool of me! I'll show you what I'm capable of! I'll eliminate you not only from this school, but from this very world that Reina-san lives in!

I raise my club.

"What are you doing there?"

All of a sudden, Reina-san's voice reaches my ears.

I lower my club again. Yukimi Mitsui seems to be just as surprised as I am. It's unlikely that she called her.

"Reina-san?"

"I am very discomforted by this sight. There will be consequences if you beat someone with that thing."

"No, it's OK! It doesn't matter what happens to her! She's making fun of us! More importantly, she's making fun of you, Reina-san! That's unforgivable!"

However, Reina-san calmly brushes off my yell and counters, "If you are doing all this for my sake, then I wish you to stop. I am not angry at Mitsui-san."

"That's ... because you're kind, Reina-san..."

"Please stop," she says in a slightly insistent tone. It might really be just slightly in all objectivity, but this is the strongest expression of intent in Reina-san's scale.

Why would she stop me? Yukimi Mitsui is a jerk who even tormented Anna and—

"—Ah."

I look at Reina-san.

I see ... she knows everything. Of course, I'm mad at Yukimi Mitsui for making light of Reina-san.

However, I only went this far—or at least I only thought of murder—not because of Reina-san, but because of Anna.

I was about to use Reina-san as a pretext for avenging Anna.

As such, she has all the right to stop me. She would never approve of being an excuse for taking revenge on somebody. No, her word is absolute to us either way.

"...OK..."

So I have to obey.

We gave up on using violence on Yukimi Mitsui and walked away from the gym. Since I was disheartened by Reina-san's clear denial of my actions and the others were aware of that, we exchanged no words for a while.

We then called it a day. Only my neighbors, Yuuko and Emi, stayed with me.

"Was that really okay?" Yuuko asks.

"...Nothing we could do, was there? We can't just disobey Reina-san!"

"No, that's not what I mean."

"Huh?"

"I was just wondering if it was okay to leave Reina-san alone with Yukimi Mitsui."

I immediately returned to the back of the gym, but they had already left. I headed to the school building.

Yukimi Mitsui must not be underestimated. She can be very belligerent, and on top of that she must be irritated because of what we did to her. God knows what she's going to do to Reina-san, the person who symbolizes "us."

Needless to say, harming Reina-san is on a whole different level compared to harming Anna.

But Yukimi Mitsui might have turned desperate and plan to soil our symbol.

I run around on the school grounds back and forth, and at last, find Reina-san in the corridor where the second music room is located.

"Reina-san!"

She turns around to me. At a glance, it doesn't seem like she was hurt in any way.

"Kawai-san?"

"Are you all right? Did Yukimi Mitsui do anything to you?"

"Mitsui-san?" she asks and then smiles. "It seems that you have a false picture of Mitsui-san. She is not the kind of person who would do anything to me."

"I don't have a false picture of her. But ... are you really unhurt?"

"Yes, of course."

I let out a sigh of relief. Apparently, my fears were ungrounded this time.

Reina-san gives me a wry smile.

Suddenly, I feel horribly embarrassed as I recall that she has willfully denied my actions earlier.

However, her next words blow me away.

"You have come at the correct time. I was searching for you."

"What?!"

Me? Reina-san was searching for me?

"Is there anything I can help you with?"

Reina-san nods with a smile.

"There is something I wanted to tell you."

"Ah ... I feel honored."

"You are exaggerating."

As if!

"What is it that you wanted to tell me, if I may ask?"

With an ever-so-beautiful smile, she said:

"Please take good care of Reina Kamisu."


Ten minutes later Reina-san died.

===2===

I picture Reina Kamisu to myself.

Above all she is beautiful. It's as if she was perfection given form. No, you could even say that she is perfection.

She is water so pure and transparent that you can't tell where it starts. I tasted from this pure water and had my life saved by it. A human body consists to 70 percent of water. In other words, 70 percent of my body consists already of Reina-san.

The water that is Reina-san is becoming clouded? The foothold is collapsing?

Impossible.

The conclusion that can be drawn is simple.

Reina Kamisu is not dead.

"Reina Kamisu isn't dead!"

Yukimi Mitsui said so.

Even the girl that I considered my enemy said so.

She also claimed herself as a subordinate of Reina Kamisu.

Quite frankly, I underestimated Reina-san's excellence.

I was under the impression that by being with her I was able to increase her value to some extent. Of course, I was completely wrong! Reina-san had no problems showing her splendor to its best advantage even in places that are outside my circle of influence.

Therefore, it's perfectly possible that plans for feigning her death came to be without my knowing.

How they did it?

I don't care. The only thing that matters is the fact that she's alive.

Besides ... would Reina-san even need any realistic means for something as minor as feigning her death?

Of course not.

Reina-san can overcome even death.

I met Reina-san's brother, Ryoji-san. He has also noticed that she's still alive. That makes him the third one of us and proves that it's an undeniable fact that Reina-san's alive.

On his request, I showed him around in school. He acted a bit strange here and there, but he also said this to me:

"I don't know what Reina wanted to achieve by scattering, but I do know the cause."

"What is it...?"

"The cause is—you and your friends."

I was confused at first.

What is the meaning of this? It was us who made her scatter? Has her brother perhaps gotten to this conclusion by talking to me?

Reina-san scattered because of ... us?

No, Reina-san scattered for us.

Which means...?

Right, Reina-san feigned her death for us.

I see. That would explain why she chose to feign her death at this school. It was all for our sake. Reina-san is trying to save us hopeless lambs.

Right, we are hopeless.

Anna, for example, suffers because of her family problems. I, for example, am unable to see anything but a dark, dull future. Because there is no god in this world, there is nothing to depend on and there is no hope for us.

That doesn't make sense!

This system is way too unbalanced. Too unfair. Too absurd. How is that OK? Everything's a lie except for the things that hurt? That's cruel!

Therefore, Reina-san can't be dead.

No, she can't be dead.

She can't be dead.

She's alive.

A-L-I-V-E.

I will kill everyone who dares to claim that she's dead in front of me. Because they're too stupid to be kept alive. Why do these ugly maggots even breathe even though they are blinded by commons sense, even though they believe in nothing but money!

Reina-san simply disappeared somewhere because of some reason.

"Please take good care of Reina Kamisu."


The meaning of her last words starts to dawn on me.

She entrusted me with a task.

What task?

To preserve her place for when she appears again.

Reina-san is not dead, but only very few are aware of it. At this time, it's only Yukimi Mitsui, her brother and me. There may be more, but the number stays small. Moreover, there must be people who have doubts about the lie that is Reina-san's death, but they are lacking evidence.

However, it's true that the lie she spread is very cunning. So cunning, in fact, that the lie will become true once everyone starts to believe it. I don't want to state the obvious, but the dead can't coexist with the living. Dead people lose their relation to the living.

Reina-san will come back, but I feel that her return is bound to certain conditions.

After all, Reina-san is trying to save us. Salvation does not come to people who don't believe in salvation. Therefore, those who forgot her, those who lost faith in her will not be saved. There is no reason for her to appear in a place where she has been forgotten, in a place that is outside the range of her salvation.

It means that I have to make sure she has a place to return to.

In order to meet Reina-san—in order to meet again her again—I have to keep her place unoccupied.

I see! This is a trial.

A trial to test my faith in Reina-san.

As a way to arrange a place for Reina-san, I chose to take advantage of my position as the president of the student council. I asked the teachers to let me have a speech at the monthly assembly and received permission.

The day of the assembly arrived in no time. Through the microphone the teacher who presided over the assembly says, "The president of the student council would like to take the floor." Following his announcement, I climb on the stage and encounter almost five hundred faces, some of which are older than me, some of which are the same age, and some of which are younger than me. Most of their gazes are directed at me. I've gotten used to this sight. After receiving the sign, I, the teachers and the nearly five hundred students bow to each other.

I survey the audience.

Nearly five hundred people. This is hardly anything when comparing it to the numbers used by the mass media, but it's quite an overwhelming sight nevertheless. Is it really in my power to reach their hearts and project Reina-san into them? I don't want to admit it, but Yukimi Mitsui was right when she remarked that my charisma has dwindled. The weight of my words depends on whether or not Reina-san is present. Is it really in my power to show them the right path?

Don't falter! The more numerous the audience, the better. I don't need to convince all of them. I only need enough of them to create a place for Reina-san.

I open my dry mouth:

"Good morning, my dear schoolmates. My name is Sakura Kawai and today I would like to address Reina Kamisu's suicide."

Their gazes focus on me as I address the hottest topic at school. Everyone knows that I took on the position as president of the student council from Reina-san, and that I was her primary servant. They must be fairly curious about what I have to say about this subject.

"As you all know, Reina Kamisu was a special student. I am certain that I do not need to lose any words on how special she was. As such, many among you must still be confused by the sad news of her death. Many among you must still be mourning for her. I was one of them, too."

The students who noticed that I used past tense start to whisper to each other. Not a week has passed since Reina-san throw herself from the rooftop; in normal circumstances it would be impossible for me, her primary servant, to overcome the sadness of losing her.

"However—"

As expected, the majority of the students are all ears for my words. I deliberately choose to provoke them.

"—Let me be frank. Only a fool would be sad about her death."

My words create a general stir.

The students start to exchange glances and the teachers become alarmed. I don't mind if they stop me in the worst case, as long as I can communicate the important things. I only need to get their attention. Some of them will be curious enough to approach me of their own to hear the rest, and I will tell them. My thrilling ideas will soak through them and then automatically spread among the rest of the students.

My network is extensive enough to pull this off, even without Reina-san.

"Why is it foolish? Before I answer this question, let me read your mind."

I feel almost all of their five hundred gazes on me. Excellent.

"Certainly, you were all shocked by her suicide. You are bewildered and you are sad. But above all, do you not have a 'fuzzy feeling' in your chests? Do you not feel that something is wrong?"

As I stand on the stage, I discover a few students who nodded.

"I know what that 'fuzzy feeling' is. Let me get straight to the resolution: you have this feeling because you think that Reina Kamisu might still be alive."

My words create yet another stir.

"Please do not misunderstand me: I mean it quite literally, not in the clichéd sense of her living on in our hearts. Her metabolism is still intact. You may say this is absurd, but then answer me: Can you deny it with all honesty? Can you really say for sure that Reina Kamisu is dead?"

To be frank, I'm only spitting nonsense. A fuzzy feeling? Well, of course they have that feeling! After all, Reina Kamisu, the person who occupied a large part of their hearts, died (they think) from one day to the next without a reason! How could they not have ruffled feelings about it?

However, the ones who fell for it and bought my explanation for their fuzzy feeling will think that everything I said might be true.

Some of them might naturally see through my trick, but can they deny my words with certainty? Can they pass on the compelling thought that Reina Kamisu might still be alive, just to deny what I said? Can they thrust the ones who got their hopes up back into the abyss of despair, even if they were certain it's a lie?

Reina Kamisu is dead. Reina Kamisu is alive. If you had to choose one, you would choose the latter.

If both options are hard to believe, then you would choose the latter.

It's a shame that I have to trick them, but sadly, only few are able to see the truth like me. It's highly unlikely that anyone understands Reina-san like I do.

I proceed to the final blow.

"Dear colleagues, my ideas must sound absurd to you, and I am aware of that. I would laugh it off as ridiculous if I was one of you.

"But ... it is the truth.

"All of you who are laughing at my words will be laughing out of the other side of your faces next week. Why? It's simple."

Yes, I understand Reina-san.

I know the answer.

I only need to give them a glimpse of the answer.

"Because next week, on the first day of July, Reina Kamisu will come back."

My speech turned out less successful than anticipated. The majority view seemed to be that my claims were too implausible, and because this became the mainstream, the people who actually believed me could no longer openly say so.

I don't think it was wrong to hold a speech. Actually, I'm positive that it was the best choice I could make. However, it seems like the world has become too science-oriented to leave room for the thought that someone could resurrect from the dead. Damn ... aren't men the ones who are supposed to only make logic decisions? Our society makes it hard to spread correct ideas. Even psychics who clearly have some sort of power are called fakes these days.

But I don't care.

I haven't failed.

It's true that the majority are fools who are unable to question Reina-san's death, but they're only the majority.

People who believe me, who believe in Reina Kamisu, may be the minority, but they do exist.

"I also thought that Reina-san is still alive! I was relieved to hear that I wasn't the only one who thought so!"

"That 'fuzzy feeling' you mentioned was really preying on my mind. You took a huge weight off my mind when you pointed it out to us and uncovered the truth behind it."

"Reina-san is still alive! There's no way she would die, is there?"

"I'm not entirely convinced ... but if you are so certain of it and even know when she's coming back, I want to try to believe you."

"I never believed that Reina-san was dead!"

People who said things like this appeared before me. 17 in number. Most of them were third-year students who inherently spent more time with Reina-san than the younger generation. 17 is not a large number compared to 500, but it's not so small, either, if you think of it as half a class.

Is Reina-san going to appear again even with such a small number? Though a little anxious, I decide to be optimistic.

I mean, Reina-san is much smarter than me. She must have foreseen that I would only be able to convince a small number of people even if I did my best. But most of all, the girls who believe in her "presence" are the ones who long for salvation so hard that they have no other choice but to believe in her "presence." Reina-san would never abandon them.

However, that doesn't mean that we can sit back and wait. Just thinking that Reina-san might still be alive is not going to bring about any progress.

What we need is unification. Unified prayer. We have to focus our prayers so strongly that they will reach Reina-san.

That is what has to be done to accomplish Reina-san's return.

In order to proceed to action, I told "the girls" who believe in Reina-san's "presence" to assemble at the Student Council Room after school. By the way, part of the student council, which also includes Anna, also believe in Reina-san's "presence."

It's unfortunate that I'm the only one who "knows" of Reina-san's "presence," but it's not a problem. I only have to guide "the girls" to this knowledge.

It's Thursday, the 29th of June. The first of July will be the day after tomorrow. Time is running out. I have to make sure that "the girls" will make a beeline for our goal without getting sidetracked by anything.

After we assembled at the Student Council Room, we had a long conversation. About Reina-san. About our devotion to Reina-san. About our selfless love for Reina-san. About our relation to Reina-san. About our need for Reina-san. About the importance of Reina-san. About how Reina-san feigned her death. About why Reina-san disappeared. About how Reina-san is going to affect us in the future. About how Reina-san's Reina-san is Reina-san and Reina-san can Reina-san with Reina-san to be Reina-san. Unfortunately, six of the initial seventeen members could not keep up and left our ranks, but the rest of us were able to talk about Reina-san without end. In this manner, we deepened our trust in Reina-san and synchronized with each other.

However, talking only about Reina-san does not suffice. If Reina-san were a diamond and you wanted to fascinate someone with it, you could preach about the diamond's beauty as long as you want and still achieve nothing. Fortunately, they are already fascinated by the diamond that is Reina-san, but still it doesn't suffice. "The diamond suits you!" "It makes you charming!" "You need it!" Similarly, by talking about why we need the diamond and why we have to be fascinated with it, we can strengthen our faith in Reina-san.

"Anna?"

I decide to start with Anna, the easiest target, because she's my classmate, my roommate, the secretary of the student council, and a cutter. Not only can I predict her answers, she is in dire need of Reina-san. She's also a perfect case for the others to listen to.

"Do you have those moments when you feel tired of living in this world?"

Her eyes widen as I pose an unexpected question. It's obvious how she will answer this.

While looking at the bandage on her wrist, she replies, "...All the time."

I nod as compassionately as possible. The other girls, who have been talking with each other, start to give us their attention.

"...Do you also feel like this sometimes, Sakura?"

"Sure," I answer.

"That's a little surprising."

"Do I not look like someone who would get tired of living?"

"Mhm. I mean, you're clever, flexible, and pretty. You ... are good at making your way, I guess? I thought that people like you don't think like that."

"Good at making my way ... huh? Perhaps you can say that. But what if that's exactly why I'm suffering?"

"...Huh?"

"I'm clever. I'm also popular enough to make it to the student council president, although I may have gotten backup from Reina-san. I know how to make my way. I'm a realist. Because of that, I was unable to believe in anything and also unable to depend on anything."

Talking about yourself first is a common trick to break the ice. It will unlock Anna's heart

"I understand that you don't have it easy, either," Anna says and adds hesitantly, "...But does it really make you suffer?"

"It does! When you're a realist, you lose the ability to have dreams, you know? For instance, let's assume I wanted to become a writer. In that case, I would realize that it's futile before even trying. There are thousands and thousands of aspiring writers, but only a small fraction of them make it, and only another fraction is able to get by.

"Because of my position in the student council, I often find myself surveying all of our students from the stage. Almost five hundred. That's an overwhelming number! If only one of those five hundred received the talent of succeeding as a writer, how many lots would I have to draw? Do I have that talent right now? Of course not. I never was the best in anything."

"...Mhm."

"When you're a realist, you look up, and when you look up, you see an endless sky. Why would I have the privilege to go all the way to the top? How could I soar up into the sky when I'm currently crawling on the ground? Do you understand, Anna? This is the pain of being realistic."

"...I think I understand."

"Tragic things like child abuse, divorce and accidents aren't the only things that make us suffer. I think that it's the things close to us that really torment us."

Everyone nods in agreement. I know that they all feel discontent with something in their lives.

How should we be optimistic in a world where nothing ever works out? How should we have dreams when we can't even make it into the University of Tokyo, which counts more than 3000 admissions every year? If we earnestly tried to accomplish our dreams, all we would get is scoff at believing in skills we don't have. That's why we give up. Realistic thinking bereaves us of our future and makes us give up. This is how the world throws us into the abyss.

"What about you, Anna? What is tormenting you?"

Anna remains silent. Not because she doesn't want to answer, but because she doesn't know how to word it.

"...I often wonder why I'm living," she eventually says with her glance cast down. "Because it doesn't matter whether I'm alive or not."

"That's not true, Anna! I'd be sad if I lost you."

"Mhm, thanks. But ... that's it."

"What do you mean...?"

"You'd be sad and that's it. Or would my death follow you for your entire life? Would you mourn for me for the rest of you life?"

"I—"

Of course, I would be sad if Anna died. I would probably cry. But ... I don't know how long that sadness would last.

"If I died a shocking death, it might subsist as a trauma. If I died young, you might remember it for that. But in that case, you wouldn't remember me but only my 'death,' right? I'd only live on as a bad memory, which means that my value is negative.

For example, if I went missing, I'm sure you would be worried about me in the beginning, but after only a month you would hardly talk about me anymore, and after a year you would have forgotten me. I think that I don't mean much to all of you."

"That's not true!"

I'm aware that I sound a bit phony.

Of course I care about Anna. She's a good girl—the type who gets along with everyone. On the other side, in many senses you will never find a person of this type in the center of a group. In short, she's one of many. Anna is never the center.

"But Anna, listen ... if, for the sake of the argument, we wouldn't mourn for you so long, what about your family?"

Anna suddenly contorts her face.

Aah—looks like I put my foot in it.

I immediately realized it. The moment I saw her self-ironic　face when I said the word "family", I realized what her answer is.

The answer to my question is "no" and more importantly...

This is the cause for Anna's view on life.

"My family?" Anna sneers with her eyes cast down. "Even though I only have a father who hasn't exchanged a word with me for over a year?"

I couldn't ask about her mother. Nothing good would come of it.

"...Oh, why would anyone care about or understand me when even my family doesn't?"

No one understands her.

I would like deny that, but again, I can't.

It's a fact that her father did not come when she cut her wrist. Of course, she cut her wrist to show me her wound, but at the bottom of it is her family, her father who neglected her.

No one understands you.

Exactly.

The same applies to me: nobody understands me. People are so good at feigning understanding that I sometimes almost buy into it, but in the end, nobody ever understood me. Everyone always dismissed my worries as the wailing of a pubescent, spoiled girl.

Even though they were so defining to me.

Nobody understands my values and beliefs, and I don't understand the values and beliefs of anybody.

Therefore I'm sure I can't understand Anna, either.

"Aah—why do I live...?"

Anna is serious.

To Anna, who is in the firm belief that even her family lacks understanding for her, living can't be enjoyable. She must be wishing to disappear like melting snow. Just like me.

Will this sentiment ever disappear? Will we find ourselves doing some generic office work in our future, and giving birth to cute babies while experiencing twinges of emptiness from time to time? Is that what we will become to survive?

Just thinking about it makes me sick.

This thought is so realistic. So filthy.

We may have been foolish, but we were pure.

"Anna."

"Hm?"

"This sucks."

"Yeah, it does."

"This world sucks."

"It does."

"It's painful, right?"

"It's painful!"

"Do you want to be saved?"

"I want to be saved!"

"Do you want to see Reina-san?"

"I want to see Reina-san!"

Dear God, whether you exist or not.

We need salvation.

I demand of you to return Reina-san immediately.

"Reina-san is different from us," I say.

"Yes, she is different. She is incredibly pretty and perfect and I'm sure that there's a meaning to her life even if there's none to ours."

"Yes, I agree."

"...Yeah."

"Unlike us, she does not have any fixed definitions that predefine her life."

"Yeah."

"Then how do we want to define Reina-san?"

Anna and the others look up into space.

"Aah—"

—Their eyes start to twinkle.

"—I see now," Anna mutters. "Aah, I see ... I see!"

"You're right, Anna. Listen, everyone, you found the answer!"

There's no need to explain everything. There can't be a need to explain everything, otherwise it wouldn't be believable.

I only needed to lead their way to a sentiment they already have.

"Living is so painful to us, which is why ... Reina-san lives."

Reina-san is water.

She is sweet water that fulfills you the more desperate you are.

Reina-san bears a deep meaning just by existing.

A person like her—

"She can't be dead," someone says.

"Reina-san is alive," I assure with a nod. "And—she will appear on the first of July."

Ah, at last!

They all made it there.

===3===

Anna has become reliable.

She could even tell where Reina-san is going to appear, now that she arrived at the conclusion that Reina-san is alive.

"If she disappeared on the rooftop, wouldn't she also appear there again?"

I see. That stands to reason.

I can't believe that she was able to deduce this without my guidance.

The other girls who had made it to my level also become reliable and were able to discover the answer.

We head to the rooftop.

It's still eight in the morning. As we make our way to our destination, we receive the blessing of the sun that is shining brightly through the windows.

Such fine weather during the rainy season! This must be a sign from heaven.

While keeping an even pace we walk up the stairway. With cheerful smiles. With eerily beautiful and uniform smiles. For we acquired a goal that we can live for without any hesitation and distractions.

The sparkling door comes into view.

Beyond that door. Beyond that door, Reina-san is waiting.

I lay my hand on the shining door.

"Wait, Sakura."

Somebody calls my name from behind. Slightly disgruntled, I turn around and find Yuuko. She is one of the blinded fools who didn't believe me and think that Reina-san were dead.

"What's the matter, Yuuko?" I ask in a calm tone of voice because there's no point in getting angry at her.

"...That's my line! You're not allowed to go to the rooftop, and you should know that."

It's as she says. While I did go there once with Reina-san's brother, it has officially been forbidden since Reina-san's incident. However, because the students of this school are generally trusted, they didn't lock the door.

"Today is the first of July, right?"

"Well, yes," I answer Yuuko's obvious question.

"Girls ... do you really, really believe it? That Reina-san is alive?" she asks, looking hesitantly at each of the twelve of "us". "And that she's on the rooftop? That's what you think, right?"

"Yes!" I assert without hesitation.

"...As you may know, my family runs a hospital."

I nod.

"I often went there when I was a child," she explains. "My father gave me free entrance because he thought I could learn something. I often made friends with elderly people.

"And I often had to see them dying."

"...What's your point?" I ask.

"You know my point. What I want to say is something that every child knows: the dead do not come back to life again. That shouldn't be news to you girls."

"Reina-san isn't dead."

"You just don't want to admit it!"

"Reina-san isn't dead," I reply calmly.

Oh dear ... Yuuko knows nothing. Unsurprisingly so.

Yuuko seems a bit daunted because I didn't show any signs of becoming angry, but she continues nevertheless:

"...You'll only be disappointed if you go past this door, Sakura! What you will find isn't a bright future, but the bitter truth that Reina-san is dead."

"That's not possible."

"Even if you were to find her ... then it's nothing but an illusion!"

"If you're so certain, then why don't you come with us, Yuuko?"

"Huh?" she utters with an open mouth in response to my apparently unexpected proposal.

She must be thinking that only "we" are allowed to be there.

"You don't mind, do you?" I ask my companions and they nod peacefully. "So? Coming with us?"

"...Fine," she sighs after some hesitation.

You shouldn't be sighing, Yuuko ... you'll lose some of your happiness!

I lay hand on the door again and—open it.

Light.

"—Aah!"

The world opens itself to us.

And then—

And then—

—I was taken in.

Just like then, just like our first encounter, I took in her, who is water, or maybe she took me in.

I listen carefully.

Instead of Chopin's Heroic Polonaise, her transparent and vacant and false and mechanic yet transcendental voice reaches my ears.

"I am delighted to see you all again."

Amidst the light she spoke to us.

Amidst the light Reina Kamisu spoke to us.

As I beheld her beautiful countenance, I started to cry and shiver with excitement.

"Reina-san," I say. The others follow suit and mutter her name as well, also crying and shivering with delight.

Aah, they can see her just like I do. Wonderful. Nothing stands in our way to happiness now!

Poor Yuuko seems to be thunderstruck by the sight of who we are looking at.

"Forgive me for keeping you waiting," the beautiful girl apologizes with an apologetic smile.

"It's OK! We believed in your return."

"Thank you."

Reina-san responds to my words. Aah! That alone makes me so happy!

"Reina-san...! So you feigned your death to save us, right?"

"Yes, exactly."

"If you don't mind, could you explain to us why there was a need to do that?"

"I am afraid that it might be a little complicated. Do you mind?"

"Of course not."

"As you can surely feel, Kawai-san, this world is rotten."

"Ah, so it's as I thought."

"It is impossible to become happy in this world. Suffering is the only option. If you deceive yourself and turn a blind eye to various things, however, it is possible to obtain an illusion of happiness. But since it is only an illusion, it means that you are not really happy by definition."

"This sounds so rotten."

"Yes. Hence, there is no happiness or salvation as long as you do not disengage from this world. This is why I decided to temporarily leave this world and search for a better one."

Does that mean that she counts as dead in this world? ...No, the idea of death is of no importance. As a matter of fact, Reina-san is standing before my eyes. That's all there is to it. There's no need for me to investigate further.

"And—I discovered our paradise. Therefore, I have appeared here again."

All that's left is to give myself entirely to Reina-san.

"It is a place free of suffering, where everything is gentle, where everything is enjoyable, and where everything is beautiful."

I listen closely to her, completely in raptures. The same seems to apply to the others.

We are going to be saved.

I'm so happy that I believed in Reina-san.

I'm so—happy.

"I am afraid to say that I am not able to remain in this world. In fact, it is questionable if you can even say that I am here right now. I may have only just arrived, but I will therefore disappear once more from here temporarily."

Please don't. I don't want to be separated.

"Are you not going to take us there right now?"

Reina-san shakes her head.

"I cannot take you there anytime. It is difficult to explain, but ... please picture to yourselves hundreds upon hundreds of holes. Once our minds leave our bodies, they are judged based on various conditions and then thrown into one of these holes. Some of them lead to worlds that are even worse than here.

"To some extent, I can control which hole you will be thrown into. However, depending on the 'time', which is one of the various conditions, it might not go well."

"I understand."

Reina-san nods sadly. "I will appear here again tomorrow at six o'clock in the evening. I am sorry ... time has run out. I shall see you tomorrow."

With these words, Reina-san disappears.

She did not walk away, she literally vanished.

I look around. My companions, too, still seem bemused and are gazing at the place where Reina-san was standing. Some of them are also talking to themselves as though in trance.

One among them is showing a different reaction, though. I approach her.

"What do you say now, Yuuko? Reina-san's alive, isn't she?"

Yuuko turns her head to me like a rusty robot. On her face I recognize exceeding bewilderment.

In all that bewilderment, she slowly opens her mouth and asks:

"What kind of joke is this?"

—I don't understand.

Why would she say that after such a miracle?

"Why are you all gazing into space and crying?"

Yuuko is looking at the place where Reina-san was standing.

No, that's not quite accurate.

She is simply looking at the place where our gazes meet, with fear in her eyes.

"Sakura! Come to your senses! For crying out loud—"

"—Weren't you the first person to find her body?!"

Was I, now?

Aah, yes, I was.

I completely forgot about that because it doesn't matter.

Because of that, I also told her brother that I hadn't seen how Reina-san fell.

I mean, what of it?

Is that supposed to prove Reina-san's death, or something?

===4===

I was smiling from ear to ear and almost started skipping along.

"Please take good care of Reina Kamisu."

Aah, she wasn't annoyed at me after all! Reina-san needs me!

Suddenly, I heard a scream.

I raised my head to look what was going on.

An instant passed.

In this instant...

A tragedy took place in front of me.

It—

It fell not with the elegance of cherry blossoms, but just like a heavy lump, following the laws of physics, and with a thump.

A warm liquid squirted around and stuck to my skin.

———

Time stopped.

No way.

This is a lie.

As a matter of act, my flow of time was in complete disarray, going faster and slower at random, and it felt much more unrealistic than a dream even ... at any rate, it was a lie.

After all, Reina-san had just told me to take care of her, which clearly was in conflict with the thing that just happened, and, aah, at any rate, this was a lie. What's the deal with ... this? Why did this, huh? I don't get it. At any rate, it was a lie, a lie, and a lie, so I silently laughed aloud.

The hideously deformed something that resembled Reina-san and yet was completely different stared at me.

It stared at me without doubt.

It stared at me with bloodshot eyes.

And it moved its lips and jerked its bloody red tongue.

"—D-O N-O-T F-O-R-G-E-T M-E."

Since there was no sound, I could not hear anything, but it certainly tried to form these words.

Something was clearly out of order. Something was a lie.

This something before me was clearly not Reina-san. After all, it was obviously filthier than anything I'd ever seen. Filthy = Reality? Reality? So it had nothing to do with Reina-san. This something could impossibly be Reina-san. Impossible.

Aah, where are you, Reina-san?

Where have you gone? Did you die? Did you disappear because this something stole your soul?

I don't understand.

I don't understand. However.

If I don't find the answer, Reina-san will disappear.

===5===

Neither Yuuko, nor Emi, nor the other people tried to stop us. We made it to the second of July without any trouble.

The only unexpected thing was that one of our companions stubborny claimed, "Reina-san did not say anything about assembling tomorrow at six o'clock!" It was unexpected, but I concluded that she didn't make it to our level and gave up on her.

We go again to the rooftop. Unlike yesterday, a gentle rain is falling, which is a shame but still better than seeing the moon, because the moon always follows us around.

Suddenly, I notice that somebody is sitting in front of the door to the rooftop. Did Yuuko not learn her lesson...? No, it's not her. It's not one of girls who fell through, either. Upon seeing me, the girl stands up.

"You're going to meet Reina-san, right?"

I recognize her voice.

"Oh, you're here as well?" she continues. "Didn't she turn you down?"

I see how Anna stiffens.

"What do you want, Mitsui-senpai?"

Yukimi Mitsui.

One of the servants who arrived at the knowledge of Reina-san's "presence."

"Do you want to join us? I'm sorry, but I haven't forgiven you even though you may be a servant of Reina-san's. I can't let you come with us."

"Join you just to meet Reina-san? Ha!" Yukimi Mitsui sneers. "I don't need your help for that."

"...What was that?"

"I'll be damned if I resort to your means," she laughs and steps aside. She continues in whispers, "I'm here to warn you."

"We don't need your warning."

"Don't misunderstand, okay? I don't care what happens to you, but if this is the last time we meet, I want to get it off my chest at least," she says and flashes a grin. "My worship of Reina-san and yours are as different as snow and ashes."

"...Well, I don't want to be thought hand in glove with you, either!"

"Huhu, is that so? Well, why don't you go ahead and meet your Reina-san? Bye then. We probably won't meet again."

"Goodbye," I say without even turning around to Yukimi Mitsui, who is waving her hand. After stroking Anna's hair gently, I walk up the stairs again, and—

—open the door.

A gentle rain is falling.

Reina-san is already waiting for us in the center of the rooftop.

Reina-san is waiting, smiling and without getting wet..

"Sorry to keep you waiting, Reina-san."

"Why, no, it was me who kept you waiting, Sakura."

I nod with a lopsided smile.

As the rain soaks our hair and clothes, we are reminded of our physical body through the unpleasant feeling. Sadly, this acid rain is filthy and thus can't wash us clean.

We need purification.

"We don't have much time, right? Please tell us how we can go to your world, Reina-san."

She nods. "It is simple. You just have to employ the same procedure as me."

The same procedure...

I recall the chalk line I examined together with Reina-san's brother.

"Do we have to jump...?"

Reina-san nods again.

"I know that it requires courage. I would like to use a different method as well, but there is none."

I look at the others.

They look at me.

They may not say so verbally, but their eyes are clearly telling me to take the lead. We are all afraid. Of course, we trust Reina-san, but we all know that the panic of falling and the pain of hitting the ground are things that cannot be avoided.

Indeed, I have to take the lead. I have to jump first and show them their way. Just like I have been doing so far.

However—

"I'm sorry, but I can't jump first."

Surprise and discontent appear on their faces.

"There is something I want to confirm at the end."

"Can you not do that now?" Anna asks and I nod in response.

She surveys me, then the bandage around her left wrist, and eventually smiles.

"Okay—I will jump first, then."

Surprised but impressed, we applaud to her.

"Anna ... thank you so much."

"No, you don't need to thank me ... It's an honor to be the first to go to Reina-san!"

I'm so proud of Anna. The source of her present strength may be weakness, but it's still strength.

Anna climbs on the fence in a somewhat clumsy manner and stands on top of it. She almost slips because the rain is getting stronger and thus making the fence slippery. Careful, Anna! Don't fall! Hm? Ah, stupid me. You will fall either way.

Anna stands upright atop the slippery fence and speaks straight ahead:

"Reina-san."

"Yes?"

I can't see Anna's face because she's looking forward.

"I will never forget what you said to me yesterday. I was really happy when you said that you would always need me even if nobody else did."

Reina-san nods.

"My scar will disappear once I reach the other world, right?"

"Yes."

"...I'm so happy."

I'm moved.

Reina-san did a great job.

"I will always need you even if no one else does."

This is the very thing Anna wanted to hear the most.

It would sound false from anyone else's mouth, but if Reina-san says it, it's the truth.

But then—

—I don't think I remember Reina-san saying that?

"Sakura," Anna suddenly calls me, interrupting my thought process.

Anna is still looking forward, beyond the rain, so I still don't know what her face looks like.

"Yes, Anna?"

"—Thank you."

Her voice falls downward.

And is cut short.

Anna vanished and spoke simultaneously.

"Thank ... you...?"

Why?

Why would she thank me?

It's Reina-san who saved Anna, and it's Reina-san who will guide her to a better world. You probably can't even say that I bridged the gap between her and Reina-san.

Thank you ... words of gratitude.

But this makes it seem—as though I was the one who brought about this ceremony.

As I'm overcome with this strange confusion, my companions continue to jump one after the other. And before they jump and scatter, they all cite words that I don't remember hearing from Reina-san and give their thanks to me like Anna did.

Watching them makes me feel as though I were looking at artificial flowers that have withered.

Eventually, I end up alone with Reina-san.

The rain has gotten even fiercer. I might catch a cold, I think for a brief moment and sneer at myself.

I'm the last one.

"Kawai-san," the undrenched girl says. "What is it that you wanted to confirm?"

"Yes, there is something I wanted to ask you no matter what."

"Why did it have to be now, 'at the very end'?"

I look at the floor. A water drop drips down from my hair and enters my eye, making me feel filthy from the inside.

The reason why it had to be "at the very end."

It's—because I couldn't let the others hear it.

"Reina-san."

"Yes?"

"It's so hard to explain and I don't know how to put this, but please bear with me."

"Who are you?"

Reina-san remains calm. She is still smiling.

"You're Reina Kamisu, of course, and that's the only way to call you. You are no doubt Reina Kamisu.

"But—you are not the Reina-san who played the piano, are you? You are someone else."

"...Why do you think so?"

"I was always fascinated by Reina-san, but she always made a somewhat strange impression on me. I don't know what it was, but I do not get that impression from you."

Reina-san silently listens to me.

"It's an ambiguous feeling. Perhaps, my memory is playing tricks on me because I haven't met you in a long time, but ... I doubt it."

"Why do you doubt it?"

"Because it's the former Reina-san who gave me that strange impression. If it was the other way around, it would make sense ... but ... as a matter of fact ... you feel way more genuine to me than the previous Reina-san. Isn't it strange that you feel more genuine now than before?"

The rain is getting stronger and I'm starting to get worried if my voice even reaches her.

"If," Reina-san starts. "If I am a different being than before, what will you do?"

"It doesn't matter," I respond without missing a beat. "You are Reina Kamisu. Nothing else."

"Yes," she nods. "I am Reina Kamisu, and nothing else," she says with her beautiful smile. "If you say so, may I tell you the truth?"

"Yes. My decision won't change."

I walk up to the fence and lean against it with my back. I don't even want to think about the sight down there.

"I am a phenomenon that becomes visible to those who believe in my existence."

"...A phenomenon?"

"To you and your friends, I am Reina Kamisu, because that is what you named me. If given a different name, I adapt accordingly. For example, some call me 'god' and some call me an 'angel'. By being given a name, I take shape and become visible."

"...Do you lead the people who can 'see' you to another world?"

"This is the role you gave me."

"But I wasn't the only one who believed so," I argue.

"That is because you took the lead over them and defined my role for everyone. All I ever do is fulfill my purpose."

I defined her role?

It's true that I guided them to believe in Reina-san's "presence," but that's all I did. Reina-san is the one who is to do the rest and save us.

Right, I'm not to blame.

Not to blame?

What? What am I talking about? Blame? What blame? I only did the right thing and struggled to break free from this filth and didn't believe in Reina-san's death and, aah, yes, that filthy corpse wasn't Reina-san's. It wasn't hers, so I realized the truth and now I'm facing Reina-san in person and, aah, I was right from start to finish. Impressive! I didn't do too bad, did I?

"I ... I don't care anymore."

I climb on the fence.

Like Anna and the others, I stand upright and gaze straight ahead.

"You are Reina Kamisu."

"Yes, I am."

"You will save us from the filthy."

"Yes, I will."

"Please fulfill your role."

"Yes, I will fulfill my role."

There's no hesitation.

The others jumped down, too. I can't hesitate. It's too late. Wait, too late? For what? I do not need to hesitate anymore. The answer is clear, I only need to carry it out.

One question—

One question suddenly crosses my mind.

I was Reina-san's servant.

But why did I decide to obey her without a single doubt? What was so special about Reina-san?

Of course, she was beautiful. Of course, she felt different.

But ... that's no reason to obey her.

It makes me think.

Everyone admired Reina-san, everyone was captivated by her, so much that she belonged in the same category as "god" and "angels."

But where did that deification come from?

I mean—

—We don't know anything about Reina-san.

I stop thinking.

I won't turn around to her anymore.

I'll just look at her the same way as I always did.

I'll just project my idea of perfection on her and look upon her in a perfect light.

I step forward.

And as I do, I devote my last thoughts to her:

I ... we may have suffered a lot, but—

—she must have suffered just as much.

<noinclude>
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| Back to [[Kamisu Reina:Volume 2 Ryoji Kamisu|Chapter 2]]
| Return to [[Kamisu Reina Series|Main Page]]
| Forward to [[Kamisu Reina:Volume 2 Reina Kamisu|Chapter 4]]
|-
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</noinclude>

Kamisu Reina:Volume 2 Sakura Kawai

2019-04-09T04:58:16Z

SighingSlider: /* Chapter 3: Sakura Kawai */

==Chapter 3: Sakura Kawai==

===1===

The thought of how thin the ice was I have always stood on until now makes my skin crawl. I have been wiggling left and right like a balancing toy, prone to leaning over—or falling over—any time.

Japanese religion counts thousands of gods.

But doesn't that just mean that people could not decide on a single one? The god you cherish can't be the same as mine, and the god he cherishes can't be the same as yours. In other words, we all consider different things important.

There is no such thing as an universal god.

In other words, there is no god.

If you are able to look at things in a somewhat objective light and look at the state nowadays, then you will see: It is foolish to believe in something.

What people ultimately believe in are tangible things. Money. Because money is much more certain than intangible things like love and friendship. People believe in money, the inorganic, equivalent and quickly betraying thing that gets stained with finger marks in people's pockets and created day by day by human hands at the bank.

It's filthy in a way.

And yet, I knew that nothing could help me better than money, and that I could even buy love and friendship if I used it the right way. In the end, I believed in money in every respect. On one side, those old, wrinkled banknotes that came and went to and from my pocket were dear to me, and the other side, I felt filthy and ended up in despair.

Ultimately, in my world there was nothing to believe in, nothing to hold on to.

I wanted to believe in something beautiful, something pure.

However, there was no such thing no matter where I searched and even if I tried to believe in something, I couldn't shake off my doubts. I ended up trembling in fear of falling.

But that time has ended.

[Plink]

Whenever I think of what creates and defines my foothold, the "Heroic Polonaise" starts to play in my mind. This transparent and vacant and false and mechanic yet transcendental melody is my guide to a steadfast world.

If I were to describe it as an image, then it would be a lake with water so transparent that I forget that there is water.

What I believe in?

—Reina Kamisu.

I do therefore not forgive people who deny her.

But because everybody knows how beautiful and splendid she is, I did not have to deal with such a person. It was unthinkable that someone would deny her.

However—

Yukimi Mitsui appeared and denied Reina-san.

Enemy! She was my enemy! She was the enemy of us who believe in Reina-san!

I could not let her get away with this. Never.

Denying Reina-san is equivalent to destroying my foothold, to putting me back on thin ice. I could not allow that. What right did she have? "Who do you think you are?" I thought and actually asked her.

However, she ignored my warning and chose to remain my foe. Her attitude was a clear message of enmity to me and the other believers.

Yeah, you have got some nerve. I'll fight you back, then.

I told the members of the student council, which was constructed of students who also believed in Reina-san, about Yukimi Mitsui. That was enough to arrange her removal from the Junseiwa school. This place is full of people believing in Reina-san, who also consider anyone who denies her their enemy.

I was satisfied.

After I had launched a devastating attack at my foe, I was already satisfied.

I was forgetful.

A baited cat may grow as fierce as a lion

Yes, satisfied with making an attack, I forgot to keep my guard up.

Blood.

When I returned to my room at the dorm, my roommate Anna Fuyuki was lying in her own blood in the shower room.

For a few moments I was overwhelmed. Absent-mindedly I gazed at the blood flowing down the drain, at the razor blade, at Anna's naked body as water showered on her, at her left wrist and the straight cut, at the blood spilling from there, and finally I screamed, "Anna!" as I rushed to her and held her.

Brr!

Anna has been taking an ice-cold shower, but that is hardly the only reason why she's so cold. Red blood. Milky skin. Blue lips.

Aah, what should I do? I-I must stop the blood ... B-But warming her body comes first. And I have to call the ambulance. Aah, where to start? Why did this happen, anyway?

Only after I take a deep breath it occurs to me that I should stop the shower.

"...Sakura," Anna mutters.

"Why did you do this...?"

"...Sorry for ... troubling you," she says without answering my question. There's no need for her to apologize!

I shake my head and dash out of the room with a "wait a second!" I can't cope with this alone. I need help. After I fetch Yuuko Kasuga and Emi Tachibana from the neighboring room, I have Yuuko bind up Anna's wound because she aspires to become a doctor. In the meantime, Emi calls the ambulance and informs the head of the dorm, whereas I wipe Anna with a towel, put her underwear on, and wrap a blanket around her.

"I'm so sorry..." she keeps apologizing while we are helping her.

To my relief, the flow of blood stops surprisingly easily. "It's not deep," Yuuko whispers into my ear.

"I'm sorry ... I'm so sorry ... I didn't mean to trouble you!" Anna cries.

I shake my head a few times.

Anna, why do you keep apologizing? Didn't you just cut yourself impulsively because something hurt you? Then why—

"———"

A thought suddenly crosses my mind.

The cut is not deep according to Yuuko, but when I found Anna, she was bleeding profusely.

Most likely, she had cut her wrist moments before I arrived at our room.

No ... considering how hard she is apologizing, something else suggests itself.

Anna cut her wrist in the very moment I arrived here.

We have been living here for over a year; I think I know Anna fairly well. I know about her family problems and the fact that she's so weak as to cut her wrists, and I also know that she's so weak as to be afraid of dying.

Self-harm is a little different from attempted suicide because the scars are made for others to see. They're a message to the world that screams "look how much I'm suffering!" Then who did Anna want to send this message to?

The answer is quite obvious: to me.

Anna is weak.

She does not believe in her own strength, she undervalues herself, and because of that, she is dependent on others. She thinks she can't solve her problems on her own.

Anna wanted to show her suffering to me. She wanted me to save her.

"I'm sorry ... I'm so sorry..."

As she keeps weeping, I give her a hug.

"Sakura...?"

"It's okay, don't worry!"

We have a savior.

We have Reina-san.

After a short while, the ambulance arrived (of course we made sure that Anna wore her clothes at this point). I got into the coach together with her and kept holding her hand on our way to the hospital. By the time we arrived, her hand had turned a little warmer than it initially was.

Since the blood flow had already stopped, there was no need for a blood transfusion. The treatment of her wound didn't take too long; I sat next to her and watched as the doctor scolded her, saying "Don't do this again," and proceeded to disinfecting her wound and binding it up. As a side-note, her parents didn't come. I don't know if they were even contacted, though.

After we left the hospital, I took her to a café that serves delicious black tea. I figured that we would end up getting home a bit late, but I was sure the chief of our dorm wouldn't sound us out after what had happened.

I ordered Darjeeling tea, Anna ordered apple tea. We both kept quiet while we were waiting for our tea to be served.

During that time, I sneaked a few peeks at the bandage around Anna's left wrist.

The cut may have been not that deep, but considering the amount of blood that spilled, this is going to leave a scar.

I wonder if Anna is even aware of the graveness of that scar?

There is only one reason for a scar in a place like this. As soon as someone sees it, that someone will immediately look at her in a different light.

...No, that's still a minor issue.

The one who should not look at this scar the most is—Anna herself.

No matter how happy her life, she will always have this scar with her. And whenever she looks at her wrist, it will remind her of the moment she cut herself. She will become anxious again. She will have to face her family issues and the actual reason that led to the self-harm over and over.

　They say that with every sigh you lose a bit of your happiness, which I can fully understand. After all, if you think you're unhappy, then you will inevitably turn unhappy regardless of your actual situation. Once you persuade yourself of your own misery, you will blame everything on it. Met with an accident? Because you're hapless. Got dumped by your lover? Because you're hapless. Lost in that lottery? Because you're hapless. Tripped? Because you're hapless. Your haplessness becomes the source for everything, even though there might be valid other reasons. Things that you would originally not even care about feel like mishaps. And since you think it's your fate, you keep falling down into misery for the rest of your life.

In this sense, Anna's scar is a much clearer sign of "misery" than a sigh, and as such, a much stronger curse that attracts misery.

Our tea arrives. I use this as a sign to start a conversation.

"Anna, what's wrong?"

She ponders for a moment and, for some reason, eventually decides to shake her head.

"It's ... nothing."

"Of course there's something."

"No ... as I once told you, living is painful to me, Sakura. It hurts so much to live. This feeling has been growing for a while now and simply reached the limit."

Is she lying? No. I can read as much off her face.

However—

"But there has to be something that triggered it. You wouldn't cut your wrist without a reason."

I am sure of that. Otherwise, there would be no point in harming herself in front of me.

My remark was correct, apparently: Anna casts her eyes down.

"Come, Anna, tell me about it."

However, Anna hesitates long enough for me to finish my Darjeeling tea, and yet she subconsciously wants to say it. She is not faltering, she is just hesitating. I'm starting to get annoyed.

In the next moment, however, my annoyance is blown away.

"I can no longer be by Reina-san's side."

"Huh?"

In utter surprise, I forget to place my tea cup back on the table.

"Reina-san rejected me."

What is the meaning of this...?

Reina-san rejected Anna?

That's not possible. Reina-san does not make exceptions when associating with people. If she would reject someone, then because—

"Anna ... did you perhaps confess your love...?"

"...I did," she nods with tears in her eyes.

Yes. If Reina-san were to reject someone, then because that someone approached her up to that distance.

"Why would you do that?! Reina-san cannot be degraded to a love interest. I can understand the urge to have her all for yourself, but why would you betray us and risk to be rejected by—"

Suddenly, it clicks with me.

Anna would not do something like this of her own accord. That's just not her personality. She would never take a risk so big as to cut her wrists while knowing that she hardly has any chances.

Then why...? Why did Anna confess to Reina-san?

"———"

Ah, of course.

"...Who threatened you, Anna?"

Her tear-stained eyes widen.

"You weren't just talked into it, right? You're the type of girl who would keep some distance if the other girls joked about 'confessing to Reina-san.'"

"..."

"Who was it that threatened you?"

"..."

Anna does not answer. She must have been told to keep quiet about it. Or perhaps she's just afraid of angering the culprit.

Considering her gentle nature, she might just want to avoid hurting that person.

After all, I'm not willing to forgive the culprit.

It goes without saying how deep the sin and how severe the punishment of taking Reina-san from one of us is.

A world without Reina-san ... Aah, just picturing it to myself makes me feel as if I was drying up from the inside.

Because the liquid that is Reina-san is drawn out of my body...?

Indeed ... as a matter of fact, Anna did also lose her own red liquid.

That's the horrible thing the culprit did to Anna.

I will kill her.

I will kill that culprit!

"Who was it, Anna?" I ask again.

"..."

"You have to tell me; she made you cut your wrist!"

"...But..."

"No buts!"

"...I mean..."

"...Fine. I'll just have a guess."

There are only so many suspects. Firstly, it can't be one of "us." Apart from the fact that "we" understand the pain of losing Reina-san, we would choose another method even if we wanted to bully Anna because there was a chance that she would succeed. Then again ... Anna is not a person with many enemies. In fact, I don't know of anyone who dislikes her.

That means that the culprit is not set against Anna herself, but "us" as a group.

—A person who is hostile against "us"?

I know one. I know someone who fits the bill perfectly.

"Yukimi Mitsui."

From the expression on Anna's face I can read that I am right.

So it was she, eh?

That scumbag who made fun of Reina-san, eh? So after insulting Reina-san, so even hurt my weak Anna?

I'll kill her.

I'm gonna kill her!

I resolved to eliminate Yukimi Mitsui from the Junseiwa school.

There is no doubt that it was she who cornered Anna. A few other students witnessed how she took Anna somewhere (and I'm shocked that they did not step in to help her).

I purchased our weapons through the Internet and drilled down her personal information. As most of the students at this school, her family environment turned out to be very peculiar. This piece of information will be useful to torment her.

Together with Yuuko, Emi, and other students who loathed Yukimi Mitsui for what she did to Anna, I proceeded to executing the elimination plan. We will show no mercy to our enemy. It is important to choose your friends and foes wisely, especially at our age where we are still weak by ourselves. If you show mercy to your enemy, you will end up suffering yourself. Anna did not take part in the elimination. Poor thing. That's why she has to suffer!

After school, we first make sure that Reina-san isn't around and then march into Yuki Mitsui's classroom. The disquieting air about us causes the other senior students, who are still present, to look at us, but because Yukimi Mitsui is the center of trouble, they don't intervene.

"What is it?" she asks snappily. "What does the bunch of you want from me?"

I ignore her barking and press my stun gun against her side.

"Ugha!"

She sinks into a crouch.

"Hmm? What was that strange screech about?" I smirk and, as I look down at Yukimi Mitsui, who is holding her side, I command, "Senpai, mind tagging along with me"

She looks up at me with—haha!—fear written all over her face.

"...Where?"

"Just shut up and follow me, okay?"

She didn't dare to resist or escape. Quite satisfied by that, we walk to the back of the gym.

Once we arrive at our destination, I order my companions to keep watch and turn to Yukimi Mitsui, who is clearly intimidated by us (although she is still trying to look brave), with a scowl.

"So I heard what you did."

"...Did what?"

"Want to play dumb? Remember what you did to Anna Fuyuki?"

She screws up her face and averts her eyes without a word of denial.

"You think you're funny, huh?"

I proceed to corner her with the information I gathered, the weapons I bought, and piercing words. Even she could not help losing heart. But my anger hasn't been vented yet. I kick her in the stomach. It's not enough. I haven't vented on her enough. She made fun of Reina-san, she made fun of "us", and she hassled Anna. I can't forgive her. She hurt "us". I won't forgive her.

And yet...

"My head."

"Hah?"

"That's where I want the first blow! Why don't you beat my head?"

Despite the situation she is in, she started to provoke me.

She completely blew my fuses. That just burned a few of the wires in my head. This girl is playing me for a fool, thinking that I won't really beat her. She is belittling me, thinking that I'm just a tag-along who's clinging to Reina-san. She is looking down on me. She thinks I'm a dependent piece of shit. Don't you think you can make a fool of me! I'll show you what I'm capable of! I'll eliminate you not only from this school, but from this very world that Reina-san lives in!

I raise my club.

"What are you doing there?"

All of a sudden, Reina-san's voice reaches my ears.

I lower my club again. Yukimi Mitsui seems to be just as surprised as I am. It's unlikely that she called her.

"Reina-san?"

"I am very discomforted by this sight. There will be consequences if you beat someone with that thing."

"No, it's OK! It doesn't matter what happens to her! She's making fun of us! More importantly, she's making fun of you, Reina-san! That's unforgivable!"

However, Reina-san calmly brushes off my yell and counters, "If you are doing all this for my sake, then I wish you to stop. I am not angry at Mitsui-san."

"That's ... because you're kind, Reina-san..."

"Please stop," she says in a slightly insistent tone. It might really be just slightly in all objectivity, but this is the strongest expression of intent in Reina-san's scale.

Why would she stop me? Yukimi Mitsui is a jerk who even tormented Anna and—

"—Ah."

I look at Reina-san.

I see ... she knows everything. Of course, I'm mad at Yukimi Mitsui for making light of Reina-san.

However, I only went this far—or at least I only thought of murder—not because of Reina-san, but because of Anna.

I was about to use Reina-san as a pretext for avenging Anna.

As such, she has all the right to stop me. She would never approve of being an excuse for taking revenge on somebody. No, her word is absolute to us either way.

"...OK..."

So I have to obey.

We gave up on using violence on Yukimi Mitsui and walked away from the gym. Since I was disheartened by Reina-san's clear denial of my actions and the others were aware of that, we exchanged no words for a while.

We then called it a day. Only my neighbors, Yuuko and Emi, stayed with me.

"Was that really okay?" Yuuko asks.

"...Nothing we could do, was there? We can't just disobey Reina-san!"

"No, that's not what I mean."

"Huh?"

"I was just wondering if it was okay to leave Reina-san alone with Yukimi Mitsui."

I immediately returned to the back of the gym, but they had already left. I headed to the school building.

Yukimi Mitsui must not be underestimated. She can be very belligerent, and on top of that she must be irritated because of what we did to her. God knows what she's going to do to Reina-san, the person who symbolizes "us."

Needless to say, harming Reina-san is on a whole different level compared to harming Anna.

But Yukimi Mitsui might have turned desperate and plan to soil our symbol.

I run around on the school grounds back and forth, and at last, find Reina-san in the corridor where the second music room is located.

"Reina-san!"

She turns around to me. At a glance, it doesn't seem like she was hurt in any way.

"Kawai-san?"

"Are you all right? Did Yukimi Mitsui do anything to you?"

"Mitsui-san?" she asks and then smiles. "It seems that you have a false picture of Mitsui-san. She is not the kind of person who would do anything to me."

"I don't have a false picture of her. But ... are you really unhurt?"

"Yes, of course."

I let out a sigh of relief. Apparently, my fears were ungrounded this time.

Reina-san gives me a wry smile.

Suddenly, I feel horribly embarrassed as I recall that she has willfully denied my actions earlier.

However, her next words blow me away.

"You have come at the correct time. I was searching for you."

"What?!"

Me? Reina-san was searching for me?

"Is there anything I can help you with?"

Reina-san nods with a smile.

"There is something I wanted to tell you."

"Ah ... I feel honored."

"You are exaggerating."

As if!

"What is it that you wanted to tell me, if I may ask?"

With an ever-so-beautiful smile, she said:

"Please take good care of Reina Kamisu."


Ten minutes later Reina-san died.

===2===

I picture Reina Kamisu to myself.

Above all she is beautiful. It's as if she was perfection given form. No, you could even say that she is perfection.

She is water so pure and transparent that you can't tell where it starts. I tasted from this pure water and had my life saved by it. A human body consists to 70 percent of water. In other words, 70 percent of my body consists already of Reina-san.

The water that is Reina-san is becoming clouded? The foothold is collapsing?

Impossible.

The conclusion that can be drawn is simple.

Reina Kamisu is not dead.

"Reina Kamisu isn't dead!"

Yukimi Mitsui said so.

Even the girl that I considered my enemy said so.

She also claimed herself as a subordinate of Reina Kamisu.

Quite frankly, I underestimated Reina-san's excellence.

I was under the impression that by being with her I was able to increase her value to some extent. Of course, I was completely wrong! Reina-san had no problems showing her splendor to its best advantage even in places that are outside my circle of influence.

Therefore, it's perfectly possible that plans for feigning her death came to be without my knowing.

How they did it?

I don't care. The only thing that matters is the fact that she's alive.

Besides ... would Reina-san even need any realistic means for something as minor as feigning her death?

Of course not.

Reina-san can overcome even death.

I met Reina-san's brother, Ryoji-san. He has also noticed that she's still alive. That makes him the third one of us and proves that it's an undeniable fact that Reina-san's alive.

On his request, I showed him around in school. He acted a bit strange here and there, but he also said this to me:

"I don't know what Reina wanted to achieve by scattering, but I do know the cause."

"What is it...?"

"The cause is—you and your friends."

I was confused at first.

What is the meaning of this? It was us who made her scatter? Has her brother perhaps gotten to this conclusion by talking to me?

Reina-san scattered because of ... us?

No, Reina-san scattered for us.

Which means...?

Right, Reina-san feigned her death for us.

I see. That would explain why she chose to feign her death at this school. It was all for our sake. Reina-san is trying to save us hopeless lambs.

Right, we are hopeless.

Anna, for example, suffers because of her family problems. I, for example, am unable to see anything but a dark, dull future. Because there is no god in this world, there is nothing to depend on and there is no hope for us.

That doesn't make sense!

This system is way too unbalanced. Too unfair. Too absurd. How is that OK? Everything's a lie except for the things that hurt? That's cruel!

Therefore, Reina-san can't be dead.

No, she can't be dead.

She can't be dead.

She's alive.

A-L-I-V-E.

I will kill everyone who dares to claim that she's dead in front of me. Because they're too stupid to be kept alive. Why do these ugly maggots even breathe even though they are blinded by commons sense, even though they believe in nothing but money!

Reina-san simply disappeared somewhere because of some reason.

"Please take good care of Reina Kamisu."


The meaning of her last words starts to dawn on me.

She entrusted me with a task.

What task?

To preserve her place for when she appears again.

Reina-san is not dead, but only very few are aware of it. At this time, it's only Yukimi Mitsui, her brother and me. There may be more, but the number stays small. Moreover, there must be people who have doubts about the lie that is Reina-san's death, but they are lacking evidence.

However, it's true that the lie she spread is very cunning. So cunning, in fact, that the lie will become true once everyone starts to believe it. I don't want to state the obvious, but the dead can't coexist with the living. Dead people lose their relation to the living.

Reina-san will come back, but I feel that her return is bound to certain conditions.

After all, Reina-san is trying to save us. Salvation does not come to people who don't believe in salvation. Therefore, those who forgot her, those who lost faith in her will not be saved. There is no reason for her to appear in a place where she has been forgotten, in a place that is outside the range of her salvation.

It means that I have to make sure she has a place to return to.

In order to meet Reina-san—in order to meet again her again—I have to keep her place unoccupied.

I see! This is a trial.

A trial to test my faith in Reina-san.

As a way to arrange a place for Reina-san, I chose to take advantage of my position as the president of the student council. I asked the teachers to let me have a speech at the monthly assembly and received permission.

The day of the assembly arrived in no time. Through the microphone the teacher who presided over the assembly says, "The president of the student council would like to take the floor." Following his announcement, I climb on the stage and encounter almost five hundred faces, some of which are older than me, some of which are the same age, and some of which are younger than me. Most of their gazes are directed at me. I've gotten used to this sight. After receiving the sign, I, the teachers and the nearly five hundred students bow to each other.

I survey the audience.

Nearly five hundred people. This is hardly anything when comparing it to the numbers used by the mass media, but it's quite an overwhelming sight nevertheless. Is it really in my power to reach their hearts and project Reina-san into them? I don't want to admit it, but Yukimi Mitsui was right when she remarked that my charisma has dwindled. The weight of my words depends on whether or not Reina-san is present. Is it really in my power to show them the right path?

Don't falter! The more numerous the audience, the better. I don't need to convince all of them. I only need enough of them to create a place for Reina-san.

I open my dry mouth:

"Good morning, my dear schoolmates. My name is Sakura Kawai and today I would like to address Reina Kamisu's suicide."

Their gazes focus on me as I address the hottest topic at school. Everyone knows that I took on the position as president of the student council from Reina-san, and that I was her primary servant. They must be fairly curious about what I have to say about this subject.

"As you all know, Reina Kamisu was a special student. I am certain that I do not need to lose any words on how special she was. As such, many among you must still be confused by the sad news of her death. Many among you must still be mourning for her. I was one of them, too."

The students who noticed that I used past tense start to whisper to each other. Not a week has passed since Reina-san throw herself from the rooftop; in normal circumstances it would be impossible for me, her primary servant, to overcome the sadness of losing her.

"However—"

As expected, the majority of the students are all ears for my words. I deliberately choose to provoke them.

"—Let me be frank. Only a fool would be sad about her death."

My words create a general stir.

The students start to exchange glances and the teachers become alarmed. I don't mind if they stop me in the worst case, as long as I can communicate the important things. I only need to get their attention. Some of them will be curious enough to approach me of their own to hear the rest, and I will tell them. My thrilling ideas will soak through them and then automatically spread among the rest of the students.

My network is extensive enough to pull this off, even without Reina-san.

"Why is it foolish? Before I answer this question, let me read your mind."

I feel almost all of their five hundred gazes on me. Excellent.

"Certainly, you were all shocked by her suicide. You are bewildered and you are sad. But above all, do you not have a 'fuzzy feeling' in your chests? Do you not feel that something is wrong?"

As I stand on the stage, I discover a few students who nodded.

"I know what that 'fuzzy feeling' is. Let me get straight to the resolution: you have this feeling because you think that Reina Kamisu might still be alive."

My words create yet another stir.

"Please do not misunderstand me: I mean it quite literally, not in the clichéd sense of her living on in our hearts. Her metabolism is still intact. You may say this is absurd, but then answer me: Can you deny it with all honesty? Can you really say for sure that Reina Kamisu is dead?"

To be frank, I'm only spitting nonsense. A fuzzy feeling? Well, of course they have that feeling! After all, Reina Kamisu, the person who occupied a large part of their hearts, died (they think) from one day to the next without a reason! How could they not have ruffled feelings about it?

However, the ones who fell for it and bought my explanation for their fuzzy feeling will think that everything I said might be true.

Some of them might naturally see through my trick, but can they deny my words with certainty? Can they pass on the compelling thought that Reina Kamisu might still be alive, just to deny what I said? Can they thrust the ones who got their hopes up back into the abyss of despair, even if they were certain it's a lie?

Reina Kamisu is dead. Reina Kamisu is alive. If you had to choose one, you would choose the latter.

If both options are hard to believe, then you would choose the latter.

It's a shame that I have to trick them, but sadly, only few are able to see the truth like me. It's highly unlikely that anyone understands Reina-san like I do.

I proceed to the final blow.

"Dear colleagues, my ideas must sound absurd to you, and I am aware of that. I would laugh it off as ridiculous if I was one of you.

"But ... it is the truth.

"All of you who are laughing at my words will be laughing out of the other side of your faces next week. Why? It's simple."

Yes, I understand Reina-san.

I know the answer.

I only need to give them a glimpse of the answer.

"Because next week, on the first day of July, Reina Kamisu will come back."

My speech turned out less successful than anticipated. The majority view seemed to be that my claims were too implausible, and because this became the mainstream, the people who actually believed me could no longer openly say so.

I don't think it was wrong to hold a speech. Actually, I'm positive that it was the best choice I could make. However, it seems like the world has become too science-oriented to leave room for the thought that someone could resurrect from the dead. Damn ... aren't men the ones who are supposed to only make logic decisions? Our society makes it hard to spread correct ideas. Even psychics who clearly have some sort of power are called fakes these days.

But I don't care.

I haven't failed.

It's true that the majority are fools who are unable to question Reina-san's death, but they're only the majority.

People who believe me, who believe in Reina Kamisu, may be the minority, but they do exist.

"I also thought that Reina-san is still alive! I was relieved to hear that I wasn't the only one who thought so!"

"That 'fuzzy feeling' you mentioned was really preying on my mind. You took a huge weight off my mind when you pointed it out to us and uncovered the truth behind it."

"Reina-san is still alive! There's no way she would die, is there?"

"I'm not entirely convinced ... but if you are so certain of it and even know when she's coming back, I want to try to believe you."

"I never believed that Reina-san was dead!"

People who said things like this appeared before me. 17 in number. Most of them were third-year students who inherently spent more time with Reina-san than the younger generation. 17 is not a large number compared to 500, but it's not so small, either, if you think of it as half a class.

Is Reina-san going to appear again even with such a small number? Though a little anxious, I decide to be optimistic.

I mean, Reina-san is much smarter than me. She must have foreseen that I would only be able to convince a small number of people even if I did my best. But most of all, the girls who believe in her "presence" are the ones who long for salvation so hard that they have no other choice but to believe in her "presence." Reina-san would never abandon them.

However, that doesn't mean that we can sit back and wait. Just thinking that Reina-san might still be alive is not going to bring about any progress.

What we need is unification. Unified prayer. We have to focus our prayers so strongly that they will reach Reina-san.

That is what has to be done to accomplish Reina-san's return.

In order to proceed to action, I told "the girls" who believe in Reina-san's "presence" to assemble at the Student Council Room after school. By the way, part of the student council, which also includes Anna, also believe in Reina-san's "presence."

It's unfortunate that I'm the only one who "knows" of Reina-san's "presence," but it's not a problem. I only have to guide "the girls" to this knowledge.

It's Thursday, the 29th of June. The first of July will be the day after tomorrow. Time is running out. I have to make sure that "the girls" will make a beeline for our goal without getting sidetracked by anything.

After we assembled at the Student Council Room, we had a long conversation. About Reina-san. About our devotion to Reina-san. About our selfless love for Reina-san. About our relation to Reina-san. About our need for Reina-san. About the importance of Reina-san. About how Reina-san feigned her death. About why Reina-san disappeared. About how Reina-san is going to affect us in the future. About how Reina-san's Reina-san is Reina-san and Reina-san can Reina-san with Reina-san to be Reina-san. Unfortunately, six of the initial seventeen members could not keep up and left our ranks, but the rest of us were able to talk about Reina-san without end. In this manner, we deepened our trust in Reina-san and synchronized with each other.

However, talking only about Reina-san does not suffice. If Reina-san were a diamond and you wanted to fascinate someone with it, you could preach about the diamond's beauty as long as you want and still achieve nothing. Fortunately, they are already fascinated by the diamond that is Reina-san, but still it doesn't suffice. "The diamond suits you!" "It makes you charming!" "You need it!" Similarly, by talking about why we need the diamond and why we have to be fascinated with it, we can strengthen our faith in Reina-san.

"Anna?"

I decide to start with Anna, the easiest target, because she's my classmate, my roommate, the secretary of the student council, and a cutter. Not only can I predict her answers, she is in dire need of Reina-san. She's also a perfect case for the others to listen to.

"Do you have those moments when you feel tired of living in this world?"

Her eyes widen as I pose an unexpected question. It's obvious how she will answer this.

While looking at the bandage on her wrist, she replies, "...All the time."

I nod as compassionately as possible. The other girls, who have been talking with each other, start to give us their attention.

"...Do you also feel like this sometimes, Sakura?"

"Sure," I answer.

"That's a little surprising."

"Do I not look like someone who would get tired of living?"

"Mhm. I mean, you're clever, flexible, and pretty. You ... are good at making your way, I guess? I thought that people like you don't think like that."

"Good at making my way ... huh? Perhaps you can say that. But what if that's exactly why I'm suffering?"

"...Huh?"

"I'm clever. I'm also popular enough to make it to the student council president, although I may have gotten backup from Reina-san. I'm know how to make my way. I'm a realist. Because of that, I was unable to believe in anything and also unable to depend on anything."

Talking about yourself first is a common trick to break the ice. It will unlock Anna's heart

"I understand that you don't have it easy, either," Anna says and adds hesitantly, "...But does it really make you suffer?"

"It does! When you're a realist, you lose the ability to have dreams, you know? For instance, let's assume I wanted to become a writer. In that case, I would realize that it's futile before even trying. There are thousands and thousands of aspiring writers, but only a small fraction of them make it, and only another fraction is able to get by.

"Because of my position in the student council, I often find myself surveying all of our students from the stage. Almost five hundred. That's an overwhelming number! If only one of those five hundred received the talent of succeeding as a writer, how many lots would I have to draw? Do I have that talent right now? Of course not. I never was the best in anything."

"...Mhm."

"When you're a realist, you look up, and when you look up, you see an endless sky. Why would I have the privilege to go all the way to the top? How could I soar up into the sky when I'm currently crawling on the ground? Do you understand, Anna? This is the pain of being realistic."

"...I think I understand."

"Tragic things like child abuse, divorce and accidents aren't the only things that make us suffer. I think that it's the things close to us that really torment us."

Everyone nods in agreement. I know that they all feel discontent with something in their lives.

How should we be optimistic in a world where nothing ever works out? How should we have dreams when we can't even make it into the University of Tokyo, which counts more than 3000 admissions every year? If we earnestly tried to accomplish our dreams, all we would get is scoff at believing in skills we don't have. That's why we give up. Realistic thinking bereaves us of our future and makes us give up. This is how the world throws us into the abyss.

"What about you, Anna? What is tormenting you?"

Anna remains silent. Not because she doesn't want to answer, but because she doesn't know how to word it.

"...I often wonder why I'm living," she eventually says with her glance cast down. "Because it doesn't matter whether I'm alive or not."

"That's not true, Anna! I'd be sad if I lost you."

"Mhm, thanks. But ... that's it."

"What do you mean...?"

"You'd be sad and that's it. Or would my death follow you for your entire life? Would you mourn for me for the rest of you life?"

"I—"

Of course, I would be sad if Anna died. I would probably cry. But ... I don't know how long that sadness would last.

"If I died a shocking death, it might subsist as a trauma. If I died young, you might remember it for that. But in that case, you wouldn't remember me but only my 'death,' right? I'd only live on as a bad memory, which means that my value is negative.

For example, if I went missing, I'm sure you would be worried about me in the beginning, but after only a month you would hardly talk about me anymore, and after a year you would have forgotten me. I think that I don't mean much to all of you."

"That's not true!"

I'm aware that I sound a bit phony.

Of course I care about Anna. She's a good girl—the type who gets along with everyone. On the other side, in many senses you will never find a person of this type in the center of a group. In short, she's one of many. Anna is never the center.

"But Anna, listen ... if, for the sake of the argument, we wouldn't mourn for you so long, what about your family?"

Anna suddenly contorts her face.

Aah—looks like I put my foot in it.

I immediately realized it. The moment I saw her self-ironic　face when I said the word "family", I realized what her answer is.

The answer to my question is "no" and more importantly...

This is the cause for Anna's view on life.

"My family?" Anna sneers with her eyes cast down. "Even though I only have a father who hasn't exchanged a word with me for over a year?"

I couldn't ask about her mother. Nothing good would come of it.

"...Oh, why would anyone care about or understand me when even my family doesn't?"

No one understands her.

I would like deny that, but again, I can't.

It's a fact that her father did not come when she cut her wrist. Of course, she cut her wrist to show me her wound, but at the bottom of it is her family, her father who neglected her.

No one understands you.

Exactly.

The same applies to me: nobody understands me. People are so good at feigning understanding that I sometimes almost buy into it, but in the end, nobody ever understood me. Everyone always dismissed my worries as the wailing of a pubescent, spoiled girl.

Even though they were so defining to me.

Nobody understands my values and beliefs, and I don't understand the values and beliefs of anybody.

Therefore I'm sure I can't understand Anna, either.

"Aah—why do I live...?"

Anna is serious.

To Anna, who is in the firm belief that even her family lacks understanding for her, living can't be enjoyable. She must be wishing to disappear like melting snow. Just like me.

Will this sentiment ever disappear? Will we find ourselves doing some generic office work in our future, and giving birth to cute babies while experiencing twinges of emptiness from time to time? Is that what we will become to survive?

Just thinking about it makes me sick.

This thought is so realistic. So filthy.

We may have been foolish, but we were pure.

"Anna."

"Hm?"

"This sucks."

"Yeah, it does."

"This world sucks."

"It does."

"It's painful, right?"

"It's painful!"

"Do you want to be saved?"

"I want to be saved!"

"Do you want to see Reina-san?"

"I want to see Reina-san!"

Dear God, whether you exist or not.

We need salvation.

I demand of you to return Reina-san immediately.

"Reina-san is different from us," I say.

"Yes, she is different. She is incredibly pretty and perfect and I'm sure that there's a meaning to her life even if there's none to ours."

"Yes, I agree."

"...Yeah."

"Unlike us, she does not have any fixed definitions that predefine her life."

"Yeah."

"Then how do we want to define Reina-san?"

Anna and the others look up into space.

"Aah—"

—Their eyes start to twinkle.

"—I see now," Anna mutters. "Aah, I see ... I see!"

"You're right, Anna. Listen, everyone, you found the answer!"

There's no need to explain everything. There can't be a need to explain everything, otherwise it wouldn't be believable.

I only needed to lead their way to a sentiment they already have.

"Living is so painful to us, which is why ... Reina-san lives."

Reina-san is water.

She is sweet water that fulfills you the more desperate you are.

Reina-san bears a deep meaning just by existing.

A person like her—

"She can't be dead," someone says.

"Reina-san is alive," I assure with a nod. "And—she will appear on the first of July."

Ah, at last!

They all made it there.

===3===

Anna has become reliable.

She could even tell where Reina-san is going to appear, now that she arrived at the conclusion that Reina-san is alive.

"If she disappeared on the rooftop, wouldn't she also appear there again?"

I see. That stands to reason.

I can't believe that she was able to deduce this without my guidance.

The other girls who had made it to my level also become reliable and were able to discover the answer.

We head to the rooftop.

It's still eight in the morning. As we make our way to our destination, we receive the blessing of the sun that is shining brightly through the windows.

Such fine weather during the rainy season! This must be a sign from heaven.

While keeping an even pace we walk up the stairway. With cheerful smiles. With eerily beautiful and uniform smiles. For we acquired a goal that we can live for without any hesitation and distractions.

The sparkling door comes into view.

Beyond that door. Beyond that door, Reina-san is waiting.

I lay my hand on the shining door.

"Wait, Sakura."

Somebody calls my name from behind. Slightly disgruntled, I turn around and find Yuuko. She is one of the blinded fools who didn't believe me and think that Reina-san were dead.

"What's the matter, Yuuko?" I ask in a calm tone of voice because there's no point in getting angry at her.

"...That's my line! You're not allowed to go to the rooftop, and you should know that."

It's as she says. While I did go there once with Reina-san's brother, it has officially been forbidden since Reina-san's incident. However, because the students of this school are generally trusted, they didn't lock the door.

"Today is the first of July, right?"

"Well, yes," I answer Yuuko's obvious question.

"Girls ... do you really, really believe it? That Reina-san is alive?" she asks, looking hesitantly at each of the twelve of "us". "And that she's on the rooftop? That's what you think, right?"

"Yes!" I assert without hesitation.

"...As you may know, my family runs a hospital."

I nod.

"I often went there when I was a child," she explains. "My father gave me free entrance because he thought I could learn something. I often made friends with elderly people.

"And I often had to see them dying."

"...What's your point?" I ask.

"You know my point. What I want to say is something that every child knows: the dead do not come back to life again. That shouldn't be news to you girls."

"Reina-san isn't dead."

"You just don't want to admit it!"

"Reina-san isn't dead," I reply calmly.

Oh dear ... Yuuko knows nothing. Unsurprisingly so.

Yuuko seems a bit daunted because I didn't show any signs of becoming angry, but she continues nevertheless:

"...You'll only be disappointed if you go past this door, Sakura! What you will find isn't a bright future, but the bitter truth that Reina-san is dead."

"That's not possible."

"Even if you were to find her ... then it's nothing but an illusion!"

"If you're so certain, then why don't you come with us, Yuuko?"

"Huh?" she utters with an open mouth in response to my apparently unexpected proposal.

She must be thinking that only "we" are allowed to be there.

"You don't mind, do you?" I ask my companions and they nod peacefully. "So? Coming with us?"

"...Fine," she sighs after some hesitation.

You shouldn't be sighing, Yuuko ... you'll lose some of your happiness!

I lay hand on the door again and—open it.

Light.

"—Aah!"

The world opens itself to us.

And then—

And then—

—I was taken in.

Just like then, just like our first encounter, I took in her, who is water, or maybe she took me in.

I listen carefully.

Instead of Chopin's Heroic Polonaise, her transparent and vacant and false and mechanic yet transcendental voice reaches my ears.

"I am delighted to see you all again."

Amidst the light she spoke to us.

Amidst the light Reina Kamisu spoke to us.

As I beheld her beautiful countenance, I started to cry and shiver with excitement.

"Reina-san," I say. The others follow suit and mutter her name as well, also crying and shivering with delight.

Aah, they can see her just like I do. Wonderful. Nothing stands in our way to happiness now!

Poor Yuuko seems to be thunderstruck by the sight of who we are looking at.

"Forgive me for keeping you waiting," the beautiful girl apologizes with an apologetic smile.

"It's OK! We believed in your return."

"Thank you."

Reina-san responds to my words. Aah! That alone makes me so happy!

"Reina-san...! So you feigned your death to save us, right?"

"Yes, exactly."

"If you don't mind, could you explain to us why there was a need to do that?"

"I am afraid that it might be a little complicated. Do you mind?"

"Of course not."

"As you can surely feel, Kawai-san, this world is rotten."

"Ah, so it's as I thought."

"It is impossible to become happy in this world. Suffering is the only option. If you deceive yourself and turn a blind eye to various things, however, it is possible to obtain an illusion of happiness. But since it is only an illusion, it means that you are not really happy by definition."

"This sounds so rotten."

"Yes. Hence, there is no happiness or salvation as long as you do not disengage from this world. This is why I decided to temporarily leave this world and search for a better one."

Does that mean that she counts as dead in this world? ...No, the idea of death is of no importance. As a matter of fact, Reina-san is standing before my eyes. That's all there is to it. There's no need for me to investigate further.

"And—I discovered our paradise. Therefore, I have appeared here again."

All that's left is to give myself entirely to Reina-san.

"It is a place free of suffering, where everything is gentle, where everything is enjoyable, and where everything is beautiful."

I listen closely to her, completely in raptures. The same seems to apply to the others.

We are going to be saved.

I'm so happy that I believed in Reina-san.

I'm so—happy.

"I am afraid to say that I am not able to remain in this world. In fact, it is questionable if you can even say that I am here right now. I may have only just arrived, but I will therefore disappear once more from here temporarily."

Please don't. I don't want to be separated.

"Are you not going to take us there right now?"

Reina-san shakes her head.

"I cannot take you there anytime. It is difficult to explain, but ... please picture to yourselves hundreds upon hundreds of holes. Once our minds leave our bodies, they are judged based on various conditions and then thrown into one of these holes. Some of them lead to worlds that are even worse than here.

"To some extent, I can control which hole you will be thrown into. However, depending on the 'time', which is one of the various conditions, it might not go well."

"I understand."

Reina-san nods sadly. "I will appear here again tomorrow at six o'clock in the evening. I am sorry ... time has run out. I shall see you tomorrow."

With these words, Reina-san disappears.

She did not walk away, she literally vanished.

I look around. My companions, too, still seem bemused and are gazing at the place where Reina-san was standing. Some of them are also talking to themselves as though in trance.

One among them is showing a different reaction, though. I approach her.

"What do you say now, Yuuko? Reina-san's alive, isn't she?"

Yuuko turns her head to me like a rusty robot. On her face I recognize exceeding bewilderment.

In all that bewilderment, she slowly opens her mouth and asks:

"What kind of joke is this?"

—I don't understand.

Why would she say that after such a miracle?

"Why are you all gazing into space and crying?"

Yuuko is looking at the place where Reina-san was standing.

No, that's not quite accurate.

She is simply looking at the place where our gazes meet, with fear in her eyes.

"Sakura! Come to your senses! For crying out loud—"

"—Weren't you the first person to find her body?!"

Was I, now?

Aah, yes, I was.

I completely forgot about that because it doesn't matter.

Because of that, I also told her brother that I hadn't seen how Reina-san fell.

I mean, what of it?

Is that supposed to prove Reina-san's death, or something?

===4===

I was smiling from ear to ear and almost started skipping along.

"Please take good care of Reina Kamisu."

Aah, she wasn't annoyed at me after all! Reina-san needs me!

Suddenly, I heard a scream.

I raised my head to look what was going on.

An instant passed.

In this instant...

A tragedy took place in front of me.

It—

It fell not with the elegance of cherry blossoms, but just like a heavy lump, following the laws of physics, and with a thump.

A warm liquid squirted around and stuck to my skin.

———

Time stopped.

No way.

This is a lie.

As a matter of act, my flow of time was in complete disarray, going faster and slower at random, and it felt much more unrealistic than a dream even ... at any rate, it was a lie.

After all, Reina-san had just told me to take care of her, which clearly was in conflict with the thing that just happened, and, aah, at any rate, this was a lie. What's the deal with ... this? Why did this, huh? I don't get it. At any rate, it was a lie, a lie, and a lie, so I silently laughed aloud.

The hideously deformed something that resembled Reina-san and yet was completely different stared at me.

It stared at me without doubt.

It stared at me with bloodshot eyes.

And it moved its lips and jerked its bloody red tongue.

"—D-O N-O-T F-O-R-G-E-T M-E."

Since there was no sound, I could not hear anything, but it certainly tried to form these words.

Something was clearly out of order. Something was a lie.

This something before me was clearly not Reina-san. After all, it was obviously filthier than anything I'd ever seen. Filthy = Reality? Reality? So it had nothing to do with Reina-san. This something could impossibly be Reina-san. Impossible.

Aah, where are you, Reina-san?

Where have you gone? Did you die? Did you disappear because this something stole your soul?

I don't understand.

I don't understand. However.

If I don't find the answer, Reina-san will disappear.

===5===

Neither Yuuko, nor Emi, nor the other people tried to stop us. We made it to the second of July without any trouble.

The only unexpected thing was that one of our companions stubborny claimed, "Reina-san did not say anything about assembling tomorrow at six o'clock!" It was unexpected, but I concluded that she didn't make it to our level and gave up on her.

We go again to the rooftop. Unlike yesterday, a gentle rain is falling, which is a shame but still better than seeing the moon, because the moon always follows us around.

Suddenly, I notice that somebody is sitting in front of the door to the rooftop. Did Yuuko not learn her lesson...? No, it's not her. It's not one of girls who fell through, either. Upon seeing me, the girl stands up.

"You're going to meet Reina-san, right?"

I recognize her voice.

"Oh, you're here as well?" she continues. "Didn't she turn you down?"

I see how Anna stiffens.

"What do you want, Mitsui-senpai?"

Yukimi Mitsui.

One of the servants who arrived at the knowledge of Reina-san's "presence."

"Do you want to join us? I'm sorry, but I haven't forgiven you even though you may be a servant of Reina-san's. I can't let you come with us."

"Join you just to meet Reina-san? Ha!" Yukimi Mitsui sneers. "I don't need your help for that."

"...What was that?"

"I'll be damned if I resort to your means," she laughs and steps aside. She continues in whispers, "I'm here to warn you."

"We don't need your warning."

"Don't misunderstand, okay? I don't care what happens to you, but if this is the last time we meet, I want to get it off my chest at least," she says and flashes a grin. "My worship of Reina-san and yours are as different as snow and ashes."

"...Well, I don't want to be thought hand in glove with you, either!"

"Huhu, is that so? Well, why don't you go ahead and meet your Reina-san? Bye then. We probably won't meet again."

"Goodbye," I say without even turning around to Yukimi Mitsui, who is waving her hand. After stroking Anna's hair gently, I walk up the stairs again, and—

—open the door.

A gentle rain is falling.

Reina-san is already waiting for us in the center of the rooftop.

Reina-san is waiting, smiling and without getting wet..

"Sorry to keep you waiting, Reina-san."

"Why, no, it was me who kept you waiting, Sakura."

I nod with a lopsided smile.

As the rain soaks our hair and clothes, we are reminded of our physical body through the unpleasant feeling. Sadly, this acid rain is filthy and thus can't wash us clean.

We need purification.

"We don't have much time, right? Please tell us how we can go to your world, Reina-san."

She nods. "It is simple. You just have to employ the same procedure as me."

The same procedure...

I recall the chalk line I examined together with Reina-san's brother.

"Do we have to jump...?"

Reina-san nods again.

"I know that it requires courage. I would like to use a different method as well, but there is none."

I look at the others.

They look at me.

They may not say so verbally, but their eyes are clearly telling me to take the lead. We are all afraid. Of course, we trust Reina-san, but we all know that the panic of falling and the pain of hitting the ground are things that cannot be avoided.

Indeed, I have to take the lead. I have to jump first and show them their way. Just like I have been doing so far.

However—

"I'm sorry, but I can't jump first."

Surprise and discontent appear on their faces.

"There is something I want to confirm at the end."

"Can you not do that now?" Anna asks and I nod in response.

She surveys me, then the bandage around her left wrist, and eventually smiles.

"Okay—I will jump first, then."

Surprised but impressed, we applaud to her.

"Anna ... thank you so much."

"No, you don't need to thank me ... It's an honor to be the first to go to Reina-san!"

I'm so proud of Anna. The source of her present strength may be weakness, but it's still strength.

Anna climbs on the fence in a somewhat clumsy manner and stands on top of it. She almost slips because the rain is getting stronger and thus making the fence slippery. Careful, Anna! Don't fall! Hm? Ah, stupid me. You will fall either way.

Anna stands upright atop the slippery fence and speaks straight ahead:

"Reina-san."

"Yes?"

I can't see Anna's face because she's looking forward.

"I will never forget what you said to me yesterday. I was really happy when you said that you would always need me even if nobody else did."

Reina-san nods.

"My scar will disappear once I reach the other world, right?"

"Yes."

"...I'm so happy."

I'm moved.

Reina-san did a great job.

"I will always need you even if no one else does."

This is the very thing Anna wanted to hear the most.

It would sound false from anyone else's mouth, but if Reina-san says it, it's the truth.

But then—

—I don't think I remember Reina-san saying that?

"Sakura," Anna suddenly calls me, interrupting my thought process.

Anna is still looking forward, beyond the rain, so I still don't know what her face looks like.

"Yes, Anna?"

"—Thank you."

Her voice falls downward.

And is cut short.

Anna vanished and spoke simultaneously.

"Thank ... you...?"

Why?

Why would she thank me?

It's Reina-san who saved Anna, and it's Reina-san who will guide her to a better world. You probably can't even say that I bridged the gap between her and Reina-san.

Thank you ... words of gratitude.

But this makes it seem—as though I was the one who brought about this ceremony.

As I'm overcome with this strange confusion, my companions continue to jump one after the other. And before they jump and scatter, they all cite words that I don't remember hearing from Reina-san and give their thanks to me like Anna did.

Watching them makes me feel as though I were looking at artificial flowers that have withered.

Eventually, I end up alone with Reina-san.

The rain has gotten even fiercer. I might catch a cold, I think for a brief moment and sneer at myself.

I'm the last one.

"Kawai-san," the undrenched girl says. "What is it that you wanted to confirm?"

"Yes, there is something I wanted to ask you no matter what."

"Why did it have to be now, 'at the very end'?"

I look at the floor. A water drop drips down from my hair and enters my eye, making me feel filthy from the inside.

The reason why it had to be "at the very end."

It's—because I couldn't let the others hear it.

"Reina-san."

"Yes?"

"It's so hard to explain and I don't know how to put this, but please bear with me."

"Who are you?"

Reina-san remains calm. She is still smiling.

"You're Reina Kamisu, of course, and that's the only way to call you. You are no doubt Reina Kamisu.

"But—you are not the Reina-san who played the piano, are you? You are someone else."

"...Why do you think so?"

"I was always fascinated by Reina-san, but she always made a somewhat strange impression on me. I don't know what it was, but I do not get that impression from you."

Reina-san silently listens to me.

"It's an ambiguous feeling. Perhaps, my memory is playing tricks on me because I haven't met you in a long time, but ... I doubt it."

"Why do you doubt it?"

"Because it's the former Reina-san who gave me that strange impression. If it was the other way around, it would make sense ... but ... as a matter of fact ... you feel way more genuine to me than the previous Reina-san. Isn't it strange that you feel more genuine now than before?"

The rain is getting stronger and I'm starting to get worried if my voice even reaches her.

"If," Reina-san starts. "If I am a different being than before, what will you do?"

"It doesn't matter," I respond without missing a beat. "You are Reina Kamisu. Nothing else."

"Yes," she nods. "I am Reina Kamisu, and nothing else," she says with her beautiful smile. "If you say so, may I tell you the truth?"

"Yes. My decision won't change."

I walk up to the fence and lean against it with my back. I don't even want to think about the sight down there.

"I am a phenomenon that becomes visible to those who believe in my existence."

"...A phenomenon?"

"To you and your friends, I am Reina Kamisu, because that is what you named me. If given a different name, I adapt accordingly. For example, some call me 'god' and some call me an 'angel'. By being given a name, I take shape and become visible."

"...Do you lead the people who can 'see' you to another world?"

"This is the role you gave me."

"But I wasn't the only one who believed so," I argue.

"That is because you took the lead over them and defined my role for everyone. All I ever do is fulfill my purpose."

I defined her role?

It's true that I guided them to believe in Reina-san's "presence," but that's all I did. Reina-san is the one who is to do the rest and save us.

Right, I'm not to blame.

Not to blame?

What? What am I talking about? Blame? What blame? I only did the right thing and struggled to break free from this filth and didn't believe in Reina-san's death and, aah, yes, that filthy corpse wasn't Reina-san's. It wasn't hers, so I realized the truth and now I'm facing Reina-san in person and, aah, I was right from start to finish. Impressive! I didn't do too bad, did I?

"I ... I don't care anymore."

I climb on the fence.

Like Anna and the others, I stand upright and gaze straight ahead.

"You are Reina Kamisu."

"Yes, I am."

"You will save us from the filthy."

"Yes, I will."

"Please fulfill your role."

"Yes, I will fulfill my role."

There's no hesitation.

The others jumped down, too. I can't hesitate. It's too late. Wait, too late? For what? I do not need to hesitate anymore. The answer is clear, I only need to carry it out.

One question—

One question suddenly crosses my mind.

I was Reina-san's servant.

But why did I decide to obey her without a single doubt? What was so special about Reina-san?

Of course, she was beautiful. Of course, she felt different.

But ... that's no reason to obey her.

It makes me think.

Everyone admired Reina-san, everyone was captivated by her, so much that she belonged in the same category as "god" and "angels."

But where did that deification come from?

I mean—

—We don't know anything about Reina-san.

I stop thinking.

I won't turn around to her anymore.

I'll just look at her the same way as I always did.

I'll just project my idea of perfection on her and look upon her in a perfect light.

I step forward.

And as I do, I devote my last thoughts to her:

I ... we may have suffered a lot, but—

—she must have suffered just as much.

<noinclude>
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| Back to [[Kamisu Reina:Volume 2 Ryoji Kamisu|Chapter 2]]
| Return to [[Kamisu Reina Series|Main Page]]
| Forward to [[Kamisu Reina:Volume 2 Reina Kamisu|Chapter 4]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Kamisu Reina:Volume 2 Sakura Kawai

2019-04-09T04:50:59Z

SighingSlider: /* Chapter 3: Sakura Kawai */

==Chapter 3: Sakura Kawai==

===1===

The thought of how thin the ice was I have always stood on until now makes my skin crawl. I have been wiggling left and right like a balancing toy, prone to leaning over—or falling over—any time.

Japanese religion counts thousands of gods.

But doesn't that just mean that people could not decide on a single one? The god you cherish can't be the same as mine, and the god he cherishes can't be the same as yours. In other words, we all consider different things important.

There is no such thing as an universal god.

In other words, there is no god.

If you are able to look at things in a somewhat objective light and look at the state nowadays, then you will see: It is foolish to believe in something.

What people ultimately believe in are tangible things. Money. Because money is much more certain than intangible things like love and friendship. People believe in money, the inorganic, equivalent and quickly betraying thing that gets stained with finger marks in people's pockets and created day by day by human hands at the bank.

It's filthy in a way.

And yet, I knew that nothing could help me better than money, and that I could even buy love and friendship if I used it the right way. In the end, I believed in money in every respect. On one side, those old, wrinkled banknotes that came and went to and from my pocket were dear to me, and the other side, I felt filthy and ended up in despair.

Ultimately, in my world there was nothing to believe in, nothing to hold on to.

I wanted to believe in something beautiful, something pure.

However, there was no such thing no matter where I searched and even if I tried to believe in something, I couldn't shake off my doubts. I ended up trembling in fear of falling.

But that time has ended.

[Plink]

Whenever I think of what creates and defines my foothold, the "Heroic Polonaise" starts to play in my mind. This transparent and vacant and false and mechanic yet transcendental melody is my guide to a steadfast world.

If I were to describe it as an image, then it would be a lake with water so transparent that I forget that there is water.

What I believe in?

—Reina Kamisu.

I do therefore not forgive people who deny her.

But because everybody knows how beautiful and splendid she is, I did not have to deal with such a person. It was unthinkable that someone would deny her.

However—

Yukimi Mitsui appeared and denied Reina-san.

Enemy! She was my enemy! She was the enemy of us who believe in Reina-san!

I could not let her get away with this. Never.

Denying Reina-san is equivalent to destroying my foothold, to putting me back on thin ice. I could not allow that. What right did she have? "Who do you think you are?" I thought and actually asked her.

However, she ignored my warning and chose to remain my foe. Her attitude was a clear message of enmity to me and the other believers.

Yeah, you have got some nerve. I'll fight you back, then.

I told the members of the student council, which was constructed of students who also believed in Reina-san, about Yukimi Mitsui. That was enough to arrange her removal from the Junseiwa school. This place is full of people believing in Reina-san, who also consider anyone who denies her their enemy.

I was satisfied.

After I had launched a devastating attack at my foe, I was already satisfied.

I was forgetful.

A baited cat may grow as fierce as a lion

Yes, satisfied with making an attack, I forgot to keep my guard up.

Blood.

When I returned to my room at the dorm, my roommate Anna Fuyuki was lying in her own blood in the shower room.

For a few moments I was overwhelmed. Absent-mindedly I gazed at the blood flowing down the drain, at the razor blade, at Anna's naked body as water showered on her, at her left wrist and the straight cut, at the blood spilling from there, and finally I screamed, "Anna!" as I rushed to her and held her.

Brr!

Anna has been taking an ice-cold shower, but that is hardly the only reason why she's so cold. Red blood. Milky skin. Blue lips.

Aah, what should I do? I-I must stop the blood ... B-But warming her body comes first. And I have to call the ambulance. Aah, where to start? Why did this happen, anyway?

Only after I take a deep breath it occurs to me that I should stop the shower.

"...Sakura," Anna mutters.

"Why did you do this...?"

"...Sorry for ... troubling you," she says without answering my question. There's no need for her to apologize!

I shake my head and dash out of the room with a "wait a second!" I can't cope with this alone. I need help. After I fetch Yuuko Kasuga and Emi Tachibana from the neighboring room, I have Yuuko bind up Anna's wound because she aspires to become a doctor. In the meantime, Emi calls the ambulance and informs the head of the dorm, whereas I wipe Anna with a towel, put her underwear on, and wrap a blanket around her.

"I'm so sorry..." she keeps apologizing while we are helping her.

To my relief, the flow of blood stops surprisingly easily. "It's not deep," Yuuko whispers into my ear.

"I'm sorry ... I'm so sorry ... I didn't mean to trouble you!" Anna cries.

I shake my head a few times.

Anna, why do you keep apologizing? Didn't you just cut yourself impulsively because something hurt you? Then why—

"———"

A thought suddenly crosses my mind.

The cut is not deep according to Yuuko, but when I found Anna, she was bleeding profusely.

Most likely, she had cut her wrist moments before I arrived at our room.

No ... considering how hard she is apologizing, something else suggests itself.

Anna cut her wrist in the very moment I arrived here.

We have been living here for over a year; I think I know Anna fairly well. I know about her family problems and the fact that she's so weak as to cut her wrists, and I also know that she's so weak as to be afraid of dying.

Self-harm is a little different from attempted suicide because the scars are made for others to see. They're a message to the world that screams "look how much I'm suffering!" Then who did Anna want to send this message to?

The answer is quite obvious: to me.

Anna is weak.

She does not believe in her own strength, she undervalues herself, and because of that, she is dependent on others. She thinks she can't solve her problems on her own.

Anna wanted to show her suffering to me. She wanted me to save her.

"I'm sorry ... I'm so sorry..."

As she keeps weeping, I give her a hug.

"Sakura...?"

"It's okay, don't worry!"

We have a savior.

We have Reina-san.

After a short while, the ambulance arrived (of course we made sure that Anna wore her clothes at this point). I got into the coach together with her and kept holding her hand on our way to the hospital. By the time we arrived, her hand had turned a little warmer than it initially was.

Since the blood flow had already stopped, there was no need for a blood transfusion. The treatment of her wound didn't take too long; I sat next to her and watched as the doctor scolded her, saying "Don't do this again," and proceeded to disinfecting her wound and binding it up. As a side-note, her parents didn't come. I don't know if they were even contacted, though.

After we left the hospital, I took her to a café that serves delicious black tea. I figured that we would end up getting home a bit late, but I was sure the chief of our dorm wouldn't sound us out after what had happened.

I ordered Darjeeling tea, Anna ordered apple tea. We both kept quiet while we were waiting for our tea to be served.

During that time, I sneaked a few peeks at the bandage around Anna's left wrist.

The cut may have been not that deep, but considering the amount of blood that spilled, this is going to leave a scar.

I wonder if Anna is even aware of the graveness of that scar?

There is only one reason for a scar in a place like this. As soon as someone sees it, that someone will immediately look at her in a different light.

...No, that's still a minor issue.

The one who should not look at this scar the most is—Anna herself.

No matter how happy her life, she will always have this scar with her. And whenever she looks at her wrist, it will remind her of the moment she cut herself. She will become anxious again. She will have to face her family issues and the actual reason that led to the self-harm over and over.

　They say that with every sigh you lose a bit of your happiness, which I can fully understand. After all, if you think you're unhappy, then you will inevitably turn unhappy regardless of your actual situation. Once you persuade yourself of your own misery, you will blame everything on it. Met with an accident? Because you're hapless. Got dumped by your lover? Because you're hapless. Lost in that lottery? Because you're hapless. Tripped? Because you're hapless. Your haplessness becomes the source for everything, even though there might be valid other reasons. Things that you would originally not even care about feel like mishaps. And since you think it's your fate, you keep falling down into misery for the rest of your life.

In this sense, Anna's scar is a much clearer sign of "misery" than a sigh, and as such, a much stronger curse that attracts misery.

Our tea arrives. I use this as a sign to start a conversation.

"Anna, what's wrong?"

She ponders for a moment and, for some reason, eventually decides to shake her head.

"It's ... nothing."

"Of course there's something."

"No ... as I once told you, living is painful to me, Sakura. It hurts so much to live. This feeling has been growing for a while now and simply reached the limit."

Is she lying? No. I can read as much off her face.

However—

"But there has to be something that triggered it. You wouldn't cut your wrist without a reason."

I am sure of that. Otherwise, there would be no point in harming herself in front of me.

My remark was correct, apparently: Anna casts her eyes down.

"Come, Anna, tell me about it."

However, Anna hesitates long enough for me to finish my Darjeeling tea, and yet she subconsciously wants to say it. She is not faltering, she is just hesitating. I'm starting to get annoyed.

In the next moment, however, my annoyance is blown away.

"I can no longer be by Reina-san's side."

"Huh?"

In utter surprise, I forget to place my tea cup back on the table.

"Reina-san rejected me."

What is the meaning of this...?

Reina-san rejected Anna?

That's not possible. Reina-san does not make exceptions when associating with people. If she would reject someone, then because—

"Anna ... did you perhaps confess your love...?"

"...I did," she nods with tears in her eyes.

Yes. If Reina-san were to reject someone, then because that someone approached her up to that distance.

"Why would you do that?! Reina-san cannot be degraded to a love interest. I can understand the urge to have her all for yourself, but why would you betray us and risk to be rejected by—"

Suddenly, it clicks with me.

Anna would not do something like this of her own accord. That's just not her personality. She would never take a risk so big as to cut her wrists while knowing that she hardly has any chances.

Then why...? Why did Anna confess to Reina-san?

"———"

Ah, of course.

"...Who threatened you, Anna?"

Her tear-stained eyes widen.

"You weren't just talked into it, right? You're the type of girl who would keep some distance if the other girls joked about 'confessing to Reina-san.'"

"..."

"Who was it that threatened you?"

"..."

Anna does not answer. She must have been told to keep quiet about it. Or perhaps she's just afraid of angering the culprit.

Considering her gentle nature, she might just want to avoid hurting that person.

After all, I'm not willing to forgive the culprit.

It goes without saying how deep the sin and how severe the punishment of taking Reina-san from one of us is.

A world without Reina-san ... Aah, just picturing it to myself makes me feel as if I was drying up from the inside.

Because the liquid that is Reina-san is drawn out of my body...?

Indeed ... as a matter of fact, Anna did also lose her own red liquid.

That's the horrible thing the culprit did to Anna.

I will kill her.

I will kill that culprit!

"Who was it, Anna?" I ask again.

"..."

"You have to tell me; she made you cut your wrist!"

"...But..."

"No buts!"

"...I mean..."

"...Fine. I'll just have a guess."

There are only so many suspects. Firstly, it can't be one of "us." Apart from the fact that "we" understand the pain of losing Reina-san, we would choose another method even if we wanted to bully Anna because there was a chance that she would succeed. Then again ... Anna is not a person with many enemies. In fact, I don't know of anyone who dislikes her.

That means that the culprit is not set against Anna herself, but "us" as a group.

—A person who is hostile against "us"?

I know one. I know someone who fits the bill perfectly.

"Yukimi Mitsui."

From the expression on Anna's face I can read that I am right.

So it was she, eh?

That scumbag who made fun of Reina-san, eh? So after insulting Reina-san, so even hurt my weak Anna?

I'll kill her.

I'm gonna kill her!

I resolved to eliminate Yukimi Mitsui from the Junseiwa school.

There is no doubt that it was she who cornered Anna. A few other students witnessed how she took Anna somewhere (and I'm shocked that they did not step in to help her).

I purchased our weapons through the Internet and drilled down her personal information. As most of the students at this school, her family environment turned out to be very peculiar. This piece of information will be useful to torment her.

Together with Yuuko, Emi, and other students who loathed Yukimi Mitsui for what she did to Anna, I proceeded to executing the elimination plan. We will show no mercy to our enemy. It is important to choose your friends and foes wisely, especially at our age where we are still weak by ourselves. If you show mercy to your enemy, you will end up suffering yourself. Anna did not take part in the elimination. Poor thing. That's why she has to suffer!

After school, we first make sure that Reina-san isn't around and then march into Yuki Mitsui's classroom. The disquieting air about us causes the other senior students, who are still present, to look at us, but because Yukimi Mitsui is the center of trouble, they don't intervene.

"What is it?" she asks snappily. "What does the bunch of you want from me?"

I ignore her barking and press my stun gun against her side.

"Ugha!"

She sinks into a crouch.

"Hmm? What was that strange screech about?" I smirk and, as I look down at Yukimi Mitsui, who is holding her side, I command, "Senpai, mind tagging along with me"

She looks up at me with—haha!—fear written all over her face.

"...Where?"

"Just shut up and follow me, okay?"

She didn't dare to resist or escape. Quite satisfied by that, we walk to the back of the gym.

Once we arrive at our destination, I order my companions to keep watch and turn to Yukimi Mitsui, who is clearly intimidated by us (although she is still trying to look brave), with a scowl.

"So I heard what you did."

"...Did what?"

"Want to play dumb? Remember what you did to Anna Fuyuki?"

She screws up her face and averts her eyes without a word of denial.

"You think you're funny, huh?"

I proceed to corner her with the information I gathered, the weapons I bought, and piercing words. Even she could not help losing heart. But my anger hasn't been vented yet. I kick her in the stomach. It's not enough. I haven't vented on her enough. She made fun of Reina-san, she made fun of "us", and she hassled Anna. I can't forgive her. She hurt "us". I won't forgive her.

And yet...

"My head."

"Hah?"

"That's where I want the first blow! Why don't you beat my head?"

Despite the situation she is in, she started to provoke me.

She completely blew my fuses. That just burned a few of the wires in my head. This girl is playing me for a fool, thinking that I won't really beat her. She is belittling me, thinking that I'm just a tag-along who's clinging to Reina-san. She is looking down on me. She thinks I'm a dependent piece of shit. Don't you think you can make a fool of me! I'll show you what I'm capable of! I'll eliminate you not only from this school, but from this very world that Reina-san lives in!

I raise my club.

"What are you doing there?"

All of a sudden, Reina-san's voice reaches my ears.

I lower my club again. Yukimi Mitsui seems to be just as surprised as I am. It's unlikely that she called her.

"Reina-san?"

"I am very discomforted by this sight. There will be consequences if you beat someone with that thing."

"No, it's OK! It doesn't matter what happens to her! She's making fun of us! More importantly, she's making fun of you, Reina-san! That's unforgivable!"

However, Reina-san calmly brushes off my yell and counters, "If you are doing all this for my sake, then I wish you to stop. I am not angry at Mitsui-san."

"That's ... because you're kind, Reina-san..."

"Please stop," she says in a slightly insistent tone. It might really be just slightly in all objectivity, but this is the strongest expression of intent in Reina-san's scale.

Why would she stop me? Yukimi Mitsui is a jerk who even tormented Anna and—

"—Ah."

I look at Reina-san.

I see ... she knows everything. Of course, I'm mad at Yukimi Mitsui for making light of Reina-san.

However, I only went this far—or at least I only thought of murder—not because of Reina-san, but because of Anna.

I was about to use Reina-san as a pretext for avenging Anna.

As such, she has all the right to stop me. She would never approve of being an excuse for taking revenge on somebody. No, her word is absolute to us either way.

"...OK..."

So I have to obey.

We gave up on using violence on Yukimi Mitsui and walked away from the gym. Since I was disheartened by Reina-san's clear denial of my actions and the others were aware of that, we exchanged no words for a while.

We then called it a day. Only my neighbors, Yuuko and Emi, stayed with me.

"Was that really okay?" Yuuko asks.

"...Nothing we could do, was there? We can't just disobey Reina-san!"

"No, that's not what I mean."

"Huh?"

"I was just wondering if it was okay to leave Reina-san alone with Yukimi Mitsui."

I immediately returned to the back of the gym, but they had already left. I headed to the school building.

Yukimi Mitsui must not be underestimated. She can be very belligerent, and on top of that she must be irritated because of what we did to her. God knows what she's going to do to Reina-san, the person who symbolizes "us."

Needless to say, harming Reina-san is on a whole different level compared to harming Anna.

But Yukimi Mitsui might have turned desperate and plan to soil our symbol.

I run around on the school grounds back and forth, and at last, find Reina-san in the corridor where the second music room is located.

"Reina-san!"

She turns around to me. At a glance, it doesn't seem like she was hurt in any way.

"Kawai-san?"

"Are you all right? Did Yukimi Mitsui do anything to you?"

"Mitsui-san?" she asks and then smiles. "It seems that you have a false picture of Mitsui-san. She is not the kind of person who would do anything to me."

"I don't have a false picture of her. But ... are you really unhurt?"

"Yes, of course."

I let out a sigh of relief. Apparently, my fears were ungrounded this time.

Reina-san gives me a wry smile.

Suddenly, I feel horribly embarrassed as I recall that she has willfully denied my actions earlier.

However, her next words blow me away.

"You have come at the correct time. I was searching for you."

"What?!"

Me? Reina-san was searching for me?

"Is there anything I can help you with?"

Reina-san nods with a smile.

"There is something I wanted to tell you."

"Ah ... I feel honored."

"You are exaggerating."

As if!

"What is it that you wanted to tell me, if I may ask?"

With an ever-so-beautiful smile, she said:

"Please take good care of Reina Kamisu."


Ten minutes later Reina-san died.

===2===

I picture Reina Kamisu to myself.

Above all she is beautiful. It's as if she was perfection given form. No, you could even say that she is perfection.

She is water so pure and transparent that you can't tell where it starts. I tasted from this pure water and had my life saved by it. A human body consists to 70 percent of water. In other words, 70 percent of my body consists already of Reina-san.

The water that is Reina-san is becoming clouded? The foothold is collapsing?

Impossible.

The conclusion that can be drawn is simple.

Reina Kamisu is not dead.

"Reina Kamisu isn't dead!"

Yukimi Mitsui said so.

Even the girl that I considered my enemy said so.

She also claimed herself as a subordinate of Reina Kamisu.

Quite frankly, I underestimated Reina-san's excellence.

I was under the impression that by being with her I was able to increase her value to some extent. Of course, I was completely wrong! Reina-san had no problems showing her splendor to its best advantage even in places that are outside my circle of influence.

Therefore, it's perfectly possible that plans for feigning her death came to be without my knowing.

How they did it?

I don't care. The only thing that matters is the fact that she's alive.

Besides ... would Reina-san even need any realistic means for something as minor as feigning her death?

Of course not.

Reina-san can overcome even death.

I met Reina-san's brother, Ryoji-san. He has also noticed that she's still alive. That makes him the third one of us and proves that it's an undeniable fact that Reina-san's alive.

On his request, I showed him around in school. He acted a bit strange here and there, but he also said this to me:

"I don't know what Reina wanted to achieve by scattering, but I do know the cause."

"What is it...?"

"The cause is—you and your friends."

I was confused at first.

What is the meaning of this? It was us who made her scatter? Has her brother perhaps gotten to this conclusion by talking to me?

Reina-san scattered because of ... us?

No, Reina-san scattered for us.

Which means...?

Right, Reina-san feigned her death for us.

I see. That would explain why she chose to feign her death at this school. It was all for our sake. Reina-san is trying to save us hopeless lambs.

Right, we are hopeless.

Anna, for example, suffers because of her family problems. I, for example, am unable to see anything but a dark, dull future. Because there is no god in this world, there is nothing to depend on and there is no hope for us.

That doesn't make sense!

This system is way too unbalanced. Too unfair. Too absurd. How is that OK? Everything's a lie except for the things that hurt? That's cruel!

Therefore, Reina-san can't be dead.

No, she can't be dead.

She can't be dead.

She's alive.

A-L-I-V-E.

I will kill everyone who dares to claim that she's dead in front of me. Because they're too stupid to be kept alive. Why do these ugly maggots even breathe even though they are blinded by commons sense, even though they believe in nothing but money!

Reina-san simply disappeared somewhere because of some reason.

"Please take good care of Reina Kamisu."


The meaning of her last words starts to dawn on me.

She entrusted me with a task.

What task?

To preserve her place for when she appears again.

Reina-san is not dead, but only very few are aware of it. At this time, it's only Yukimi Mitsui, her brother and me. There may be more, but the number stays small. Moreover, there must be people who have doubts about the lie that is Reina-san's death, but they are lacking evidence.

However, it's true that the lie she spread is very cunning. So cunning, in fact, that the lie will become true once everyone starts to believe it. I don't want to state the obvious, but the dead can't coexist with the living. Dead people lose their relation to the living.

Reina-san will come back, but I feel that her return is bound to certain conditions.

After all, Reina-san is trying to save us. Salvation does not come to people who don't believe in salvation. Therefore, those who forgot her, those who lost faith in her will not be saved. There is no reason for her to appear in a place where she has been forgotten, in a place that is outside the range of her salvation.

It means that I have to make sure she has a place to return to.

In order to meet Reina-san—in order to meet again her again—I have to keep her place unoccupied.

I see! This is a trial.

A trial to test my faith in Reina-san.

As a way to arrange a place for Reina-san, I chose to take advantage of my position as the president of the student council. I asked the teachers to let me have a speech at the monthly assembly and received permission.

The day of the assembly arrived in no time. Through the microphone the teacher who presided over the assembly says, "The president of the student council would like to take the floor." Following his announcement, I climb on the stage and encounter almost five hundred faces, some of which are older than me, some of which are the same age, and some of which are younger than me. Most of their gazes are directed at me. I've gotten used to this sight. After receiving the sign, I, the teachers and the nearly five hundred students bow to each other.

I survey the audience.

Nearly five hundred people. This is hardly anything when comparing it to the numbers used by the mass media, but it's quite an overwhelming sight nevertheless. Is it really in my power to reach their hearts and project Reina-san into them? I don't want to admit it, but Yukimi Mitsui was right when she remarked that my charisma has dwindled. The weight of my words depends on whether or not Reina-san is present. Is it really in my power to show them the right path?

Don't falter! The more numerous the audience, the better. I don't need to convince all of them. I only need enough of them to create a place for Reina-san.

I open my dry mouth:

"Good morning, my dear schoolmates. My name is Sakura Kawai and today I would like to address Reina Kamisu's suicide."

Their gazes focus on me as I address the hottest topic at school. Everyone knows that I took on the position as president of the student council from Reina-san, and that I was her primary servant. They must be fairly curious about what I have to say about this subject.

"As you all know, Reina Kamisu was a special student. I am certain that I do not need to lose any words on how special she was. As such, many among you must still be confused by the sad news of her death. Many among you must still be mourning for her. I was one of them, too."

The students who noticed that I used past tense start to whisper to each other. Not a week has passed since Reina-san throw herself from the rooftop; in normal circumstances it would be impossible for me, her primary servant, to overcome the sadness of losing her.

"However—"

As expected, the majority of the students are all ears for my words. I deliberately choose to provoke them.

"—Let me be frank. Only a fool would be sad about her death."

My words create a general stir.

The students start to exchange glances and the teachers become alarmed. I don't mind if they stop me in the worst case, as long as I can communicate the important things. I only need to get their attention. Some of them will be curious enough to approach me of their own to hear the rest, and I will tell them. My thrilling ideas will soak through them and then automatically spread among the rest of the students.

My network is extensive enough to pull this off, even without Reina-san.

"Why is it foolish? Before I answer this question, let me read your mind."

I feel almost all of their five hundred gazes on me. Excellent.

"Certainly, you were all shocked by her suicide. You are bewildered and you are sad. But above all, do you not have a 'fuzzy feeling' in your chests? Do you not feel that something is wrong?"

As I stand on the stage, I discover a few students who nodded.

"I know what that 'fuzzy feeling' is. Let me get straight to the resolution: you have this feeling because you think that Reina Kamisu might still be alive."

My words create yet another stir.

"Please do not misunderstand me: I mean it quite literally, not in the clichéd sense of her living on in our hearts. Her metabolism is still intact. You may say this is absurd, but then answer me: Can you deny it with all honesty? Can you really say for sure that Reina Kamisu is dead?"

To be frank, I'm only spitting nonsense. A fuzzy feeling? Well, of course they have that feeling! After all, Reina Kamisu, the person who occupied a large part of their hearts, died (they think) from one day to the next without a reason! How could they not have ruffled feelings about it?

However, the ones who fell for it and bought my explanation for their fuzzy feeling will think that everything I said might be true.

Some of them might naturally see through my trick, but can they deny my words with certainty? Can they pass on the compelling thought that Reina Kamisu might still be alive, just to deny what I said? Can they thrust the ones who got their hopes up back into the abyss of despair, even if they were certain it's a lie?

Reina Kamisu is dead. Reina Kamisu is alive. If you had to choose one, you would choose the latter.

If both options are hard to believe, then you would choose the latter.

It's a shame that I have to trick them, but sadly, only few are able to see the truth like me. It's highly unlikely that anyone understands Reina-san like I do.

I proceed to the final blow.

"Dear colleagues, my ideas must sound absurd to you, and I am aware of that. I would laugh it off as ridiculous if I was one of you.

"But ... it is the truth.

"All of you who are laughing at my words will be laughing out of the other side of your faces next week. Why? It's simple."

Yes, I understand Reina-san.

I know the answer.

I only need to give them a glimpse of the answer.

"Because next week, on the first day of July, Reina Kamisu will come back."

My speech turned out less successful than anticipated. The majority view seemed to be that my claims were too implausible, and because this became the mainstream, the people who actually believed me could no longer openly say so.

I don't think it was wrong to hold a speech. Actually, I'm positive that it was the best choice I could make. However, it seems like the world has become too science-oriented to leave room for the thought that someone could resurrect from the dead. Damn ... aren't men the ones who are supposed to only make logic decisions? Our society makes it hard to spread correct ideas. Even psychics who clearly have some sort of power are called fakes these days.

But I don't care.

I haven't failed.

It's true that the majority are fools who are unable to question Reina-san's death, but they're only the majority.

People who believe me, who believe in Reina Kamisu, may be the minority, but they do exist.

"I also thought that Reina-san is still alive! I was relieved to hear that I wasn't the only one who thought so!"

"That 'fuzzy feeling' you mentioned was really preying on my mind. You took a huge weigh off my mind when you pointed it out to us and uncovered the truth behind it."

"Reina-san is still alive! There's no way she would die, is there?"

"I'm not entirely convinced ... but if you are so certain of it and even know when she's coming back, I want to try to believe you."

"I never believed that Reina-san was dead!"

People who said things like this appeared before me. 17 in number. Most of them were third-year students who inherently spent more time with Reina-san than the younger generation. 17 is not a large number compared to 500, but it's not so small, either, if you think of it as half a class.

Is Reina-san going to appear again even with such a small number? Though a little anxious, I decide to be optimistic.

I mean, Reina-san is much smarter than me. She must have foreseen that I would only be able to convince a small number of people even if I did my best. But most of all, the girls who believe in her "presence" are the ones who long for salvation so hard that they have no other choice but to believe in her "presence." Reina-san would never abandon them.

However, that doesn't mean that we can sit back and wait. Just thinking that Reina-san might still be alive is not going to bring about any progress.

What we need is unification. Unified prayer. We have to focus our prayers so strongly that they will reach Reina-san.

That is what has to be done to accomplish Reina-san's return.

In order to proceed to action, I told "the girls" who believe in Reina-san's "presence" to assemble at the Student Council Room after school. By the way, part of the student council, which also includes Anna, also believe in Reina-san's "presence."

It's unfortunate that I'm the only one who "knows" of Reina-san's "presence," but it's not a problem. I only have to guide "the girls" to this knowledge.

It's Thursday, the 29th of June. The first of July will be the day after tomorrow. Time is running out. I have to make sure that "the girls" will make a beeline for our goal without getting sidetracked by anything.

After we assembled at the Student Council Room, we had a long conversation. About Reina-san. About our devotion to Reina-san. About our selfless love for Reina-san. About our relation to Reina-san. About our need for Reina-san. About the importance of Reina-san. About how Reina-san feigned her death. About why Reina-san disappeared. About how Reina-san is going to affect us in the future. About how Reina-san's Reina-san is Reina-san and Reina-san can Reina-san with Reina-san to be Reina-san. Unfortunately, six of the initial seventeen members could not keep up and left our ranks, but the rest of us were able to talk about Reina-san without end. In this manner, we deepened our trust in Reina-san and synchronized with each other.

However, talking only about Reina-san does not suffice. If Reina-san were a diamond and you wanted to fascinate someone with it, you could preach about the diamond's beauty as long as you want and still achieve nothing. Fortunately, they are already fascinated by the diamond that is Reina-san, but still it doesn't suffice. "The diamond suits you!" "It makes you charming!" "You need it!" Similarly, by talking about why we need the diamond and why we have to be fascinated with it, we can strengthen our faith in Reina-san.

"Anna?"

I decide to start with Anna, the easiest target, because she's my classmate, my roommate, the secretary of the student council, and a cutter. Not only can I predict her answers, she is in dire need of Reina-san. She's also a perfect case for the others to listen to.

"Do you have those moments when you feel tired of living in this world?"

Her eyes widen as I pose an unexpected question. It's obvious how she will answer this.

While looking at the bandage on her wrist, she replies, "...All the time."

I nod as compassionately as possible. The other girls, who have been talking with each other, start to give us their attention.

"...Do you also feel like this sometimes, Sakura?"

"Sure," I answer.

"That's a little surprising."

"Do I not look like someone who would get tired of living?"

"Mhm. I mean, you're clever, flexible, and pretty. You ... are good at making your way, I guess? I thought that people like you don't think like that."

"Good at making my way ... huh? Perhaps you can say that. But what if that's exactly why I'm suffering?"

"...Huh?"

"I'm clever. I'm also popular enough to make it to the student council president, although I may have gotten backup from Reina-san. I'm know how to make my way. I'm a realist. Because of that, I was unable to believe in anything and also unable to depend on anything."

Talking about yourself first is a common trick to break the ice. It will unlock Anna's heart

"I understand that you don't have it easy, either," Anna says and adds hesitantly, "...But does it really make you suffer?"

"It does! When you're a realist, you lose the ability to have dreams, you know? For instance, let's assume I wanted to become a writer. In that case, I would realize that it's futile before even trying. There are thousands and thousands of aspiring writers, but only a small fraction of them make it, and only another fraction is able to get by.

"Because of my position in the student council, I often find myself surveying all of our students from the stage. Almost five hundred. That's an overwhelming number! If only one of those five hundred received the talent of succeeding as a writer, how many lots would I have to draw? Do I have that talent right now? Of course not. I never was the best in anything."

"...Mhm."

"When you're a realist, you look up, and when you look up, you see an endless sky. Why would I have the privilege to go all the way to the top? How could I soar up into the sky when I'm currently crawling on the ground? Do you understand, Anna? This is the pain of being realistic."

"...I think I understand."

"Tragic things like child abuse, divorce and accidents aren't the only things that make us suffer. I think that it's the things close to us that really torment us."

Everyone nods in agreement. I know that they all feel discontent with something in their lives.

How should we be optimistic in a world where nothing ever works out? How should we have dreams when we can't even make it into the University of Tokyo, which counts more than 3000 admissions every year? If we earnestly tried to accomplish our dreams, all we would get is scoff at believing in skills we don't have. That's why we give up. Realistic thinking bereaves us of our future and makes us give up. This is how the world throws us into the abyss.

"What about you, Anna? What is tormenting you?"

Anna remains silent. Not because she doesn't want to answer, but because she doesn't know how to word it.

"...I often wonder why I'm living," she eventually says with her glance cast down. "Because it doesn't matter whether I'm alive or not."

"That's not true, Anna! I'd be sad if I lost you."

"Mhm, thanks. But ... that's it."

"What do you mean...?"

"You'd be sad and that's it. Or would my death follow you for your entire life? Would you mourn for me for the rest of you life?"

"I—"

Of course, I would be sad if Anna died. I would probably cry. But ... I don't know how long that sadness would last.

"If I died a shocking death, it might subsist as a trauma. If I died young, you might remember it for that. But in that case, you wouldn't remember me but only my 'death,' right? I'd only live on as a bad memory, which means that my value is negative.

For example, if I went missing, I'm sure you would be worried about me in the beginning, but after only a month you would hardly talk about me anymore, and after a year you would have forgotten me. I think that I don't mean much to all of you."

"That's not true!"

I'm aware that I sound a bit phony.

Of course I care about Anna. She's a good girl—the type who gets along with everyone. On the other side, in many senses you will never find a person of this type in the center of a group. In short, she's one of many. Anna is never the center.

"But Anna, listen ... if, for the sake of the argument, we wouldn't mourn for you so long, what about your family?"

Anna suddenly contorts her face.

Aah—looks like I put my foot in it.

I immediately realized it. The moment I saw her self-ironic　face when I said the word "family", I realized what her answer is.

The answer to my question is "no" and more importantly...

This is the cause for Anna's view on life.

"My family?" Anna sneers with her eyes cast down. "Even though I only have a father who hasn't exchanged a word with me for over a year?"

I couldn't ask about her mother. Nothing good would come of it.

"...Oh, why would anyone care about or understand me when even my family doesn't?"

No one understands her.

I would like deny that, but again, I can't.

It's a fact that her father did not come when she cut her wrist. Of course, she cut her wrist to show me her wound, but at the bottom of it is her family, her father who neglected her.

No one understands you.

Exactly.

The same applies to me: nobody understands me. People are so good at feigning understanding that I sometimes almost buy into it, but in the end, nobody ever understood me. Everyone always dismissed my worries as the wailing of a pubescent, spoiled girl.

Even though they were so defining to me.

Nobody understands my values and beliefs, and I don't understand the values and beliefs of anybody.

Therefore I'm sure I can't understand Anna, either.

"Aah—why do I live...?"

Anna is serious.

To Anna, who is in the firm belief that even her family lacks understanding for her, living can't be enjoyable. She must be wishing to disappear like melting snow. Just like me.

Will this sentiment ever disappear? Will we find ourselves doing some generic office work in our future, and giving birth to cute babies while experiencing twinges of emptiness from time to time? Is that what we will become to survive?

Just thinking about it makes me sick.

This thought is so realistic. So filthy.

We may have been foolish, but we were pure.

"Anna."

"Hm?"

"This sucks."

"Yeah, it does."

"This world sucks."

"It does."

"It's painful, right?"

"It's painful!"

"Do you want to be saved?"

"I want to be saved!"

"Do you want to see Reina-san?"

"I want to see Reina-san!"

Dear God, whether you exist or not.

We need salvation.

I demand of you to return Reina-san immediately.

"Reina-san is different from us," I say.

"Yes, she is different. She is incredibly pretty and perfect and I'm sure that there's a meaning to her life even if there's none to ours."

"Yes, I agree."

"...Yeah."

"Unlike us, she does not have any fixed definitions that predefine her life."

"Yeah."

"Then how do we want to define Reina-san?"

Anna and the others look up into space.

"Aah—"

—Their eyes start to twinkle.

"—I see now," Anna mutters. "Aah, I see ... I see!"

"You're right, Anna. Listen, everyone, you found the answer!"

There's no need to explain everything. There can't be a need to explain everything, otherwise it wouldn't be believable.

I only needed to lead their way to a sentiment they already have.

"Living is so painful to us, which is why ... Reina-san lives."

Reina-san is water.

She is sweet water that fulfills you the more desperate you are.

Reina-san bears a deep meaning just by existing.

A person like her—

"She can't be dead," someone says.

"Reina-san is alive," I assure with a nod. "And—she will appear on the first of July."

Ah, at last!

They all made it there.

===3===

Anna has become reliable.

She could even tell where Reina-san is going to appear, now that she arrived at the conclusion that Reina-san is alive.

"If she disappeared on the rooftop, wouldn't she also appear there again?"

I see. That stands to reason.

I can't believe that she was able to deduce this without my guidance.

The other girls who had made it to my level also become reliable and were able to discover the answer.

We head to the rooftop.

It's still eight in the morning. As we make our way to our destination, we receive the blessing of the sun that is shining brightly through the windows.

Such fine weather during the rainy season! This must be a sign from heaven.

While keeping an even pace we walk up the stairway. With cheerful smiles. With eerily beautiful and uniform smiles. For we acquired a goal that we can live for without any hesitation and distractions.

The sparkling door comes into view.

Beyond that door. Beyond that door, Reina-san is waiting.

I lay my hand on the shining door.

"Wait, Sakura."

Somebody calls my name from behind. Slightly disgruntled, I turn around and find Yuuko. She is one of the blinded fools who didn't believe me and think that Reina-san were dead.

"What's the matter, Yuuko?" I ask in a calm tone of voice because there's no point in getting angry at her.

"...That's my line! You're not allowed to go to the rooftop, and you should know that."

It's as she says. While I did go there once with Reina-san's brother, it has officially been forbidden since Reina-san's incident. However, because the students of this school are generally trusted, they didn't lock the door.

"Today is the first of July, right?"

"Well, yes," I answer Yuuko's obvious question.

"Girls ... do you really, really believe it? That Reina-san is alive?" she asks, looking hesitantly at each of the twelve of "us". "And that she's on the rooftop? That's what you think, right?"

"Yes!" I assert without hesitation.

"...As you may know, my family runs a hospital."

I nod.

"I often went there when I was a child," she explains. "My father gave me free entrance because he thought I could learn something. I often made friends with elderly people.

"And I often had to see them dying."

"...What's your point?" I ask.

"You know my point. What I want to say is something that every child knows: the dead do not come back to life again. That shouldn't be news to you girls."

"Reina-san isn't dead."

"You just don't want to admit it!"

"Reina-san isn't dead," I reply calmly.

Oh dear ... Yuuko knows nothing. Unsurprisingly so.

Yuuko seems a bit daunted because I didn't show any signs of becoming angry, but she continues nevertheless:

"...You'll only be disappointed if you go past this door, Sakura! What you will find isn't a bright future, but the bitter truth that Reina-san is dead."

"That's not possible."

"Even if you were to find her ... then it's nothing but an illusion!"

"If you're so certain, then why don't you come with us, Yuuko?"

"Huh?" she utters with an open mouth in response to my apparently unexpected proposal.

She must be thinking that only "we" are allowed to be there.

"You don't mind, do you?" I ask my companions and they nod peacefully. "So? Coming with us?"

"...Fine," she sighs after some hesitation.

You shouldn't be sighing, Yuuko ... you'll lose some of your happiness!

I lay hand on the door again and—open it.

Light.

"—Aah!"

The world opens itself to us.

And then—

And then—

—I was taken in.

Just like then, just like our first encounter, I took in her, who is water, or maybe she took me in.

I listen carefully.

Instead of Chopin's Heroic Polonaise, her transparent and vacant and false and mechanic yet transcendental voice reaches my ears.

"I am delighted to see you all again."

Amidst the light she spoke to us.

Amidst the light Reina Kamisu spoke to us.

As I beheld her beautiful countenance, I started to cry and shiver with excitement.

"Reina-san," I say. The others follow suit and mutter her name as well, also crying and shivering with delight.

Aah, they can see her just like I do. Wonderful. Nothing stands in our way to happiness now!

Poor Yuuko seems to be thunderstruck by the sight of who we are looking at.

"Forgive me for keeping you waiting," the beautiful girl apologizes with an apologetic smile.

"It's OK! We believed in your return."

"Thank you."

Reina-san responds to my words. Aah! That alone makes me so happy!

"Reina-san...! So you feigned your death to save us, right?"

"Yes, exactly."

"If you don't mind, could you explain to us why there was a need to do that?"

"I am afraid that it might be a little complicated. Do you mind?"

"Of course not."

"As you can surely feel, Kawai-san, this world is rotten."

"Ah, so it's as I thought."

"It is impossible to become happy in this world. Suffering is the only option. If you deceive yourself and turn a blind eye to various things, however, it is possible to obtain an illusion of happiness. But since it is only an illusion, it means that you are not really happy by definition."

"This sounds so rotten."

"Yes. Hence, there is no happiness or salvation as long as you do not disengage from this world. This is why I decided to temporarily leave this world and search for a better one."

Does that mean that she counts as dead in this world? ...No, the idea of death is of no importance. As a matter of fact, Reina-san is standing before my eyes. That's all there is to it. There's no need for me to investigate further.

"And—I discovered our paradise. Therefore, I have appeared here again."

All that's left is to give myself entirely to Reina-san.

"It is a place free of suffering, where everything is gentle, where everything is enjoyable, and where everything is beautiful."

I listen closely to her, completely in raptures. The same seems to apply to the others.

We are going to be saved.

I'm so happy that I believed in Reina-san.

I'm so—happy.

"I am afraid to say that I am not able to remain in this world. In fact, it is questionable if you can even say that I am here right now. I may have only just arrived, but I will therefore disappear once more from here temporarily."

Please don't. I don't want to be separated.

"Are you not going to take us there right now?"

Reina-san shakes her head.

"I cannot take you there anytime. It is difficult to explain, but ... please picture to yourselves hundreds upon hundreds of holes. Once our minds leave our bodies, they are judged based on various conditions and then thrown into one of these holes. Some of them lead to worlds that are even worse than here.

"To some extent, I can control which hole you will be thrown into. However, depending on the 'time', which is one of the various conditions, it might not go well."

"I understand."

Reina-san nods sadly. "I will appear here again tomorrow at six o'clock in the evening. I am sorry ... time has run out. I shall see you tomorrow."

With these words, Reina-san disappears.

She did not walk away, she literally vanished.

I look around. My companions, too, still seem bemused and are gazing at the place where Reina-san was standing. Some of them are also talking to themselves as though in trance.

One among them is showing a different reaction, though. I approach her.

"What do you say now, Yuuko? Reina-san's alive, isn't she?"

Yuuko turns her head to me like a rusty robot. On her face I recognize exceeding bewilderment.

In all that bewilderment, she slowly opens her mouth and asks:

"What kind of joke is this?"

—I don't understand.

Why would she say that after such a miracle?

"Why are you all gazing into space and crying?"

Yuuko is looking at the place where Reina-san was standing.

No, that's not quite accurate.

She is simply looking at the place where our gazes meet, with fear in her eyes.

"Sakura! Come to your senses! For crying out loud—"

"—Weren't you the first person to find her body?!"

Was I, now?

Aah, yes, I was.

I completely forgot about that because it doesn't matter.

Because of that, I also told her brother that I hadn't seen how Reina-san fell.

I mean, what of it?

Is that supposed to prove Reina-san's death, or something?

===4===

I was smiling from ear to ear and almost started skipping along.

"Please take good care of Reina Kamisu."

Aah, she wasn't annoyed at me after all! Reina-san needs me!

Suddenly, I heard a scream.

I raised my head to look what was going on.

An instant passed.

In this instant...

A tragedy took place in front of me.

It—

It fell not with the elegance of cherry blossoms, but just like a heavy lump, following the laws of physics, and with a thump.

A warm liquid squirted around and stuck to my skin.

———

Time stopped.

No way.

This is a lie.

As a matter of act, my flow of time was in complete disarray, going faster and slower at random, and it felt much more unrealistic than a dream even ... at any rate, it was a lie.

After all, Reina-san had just told me to take care of her, which clearly was in conflict with the thing that just happened, and, aah, at any rate, this was a lie. What's the deal with ... this? Why did this, huh? I don't get it. At any rate, it was a lie, a lie, and a lie, so I silently laughed aloud.

The hideously deformed something that resembled Reina-san and yet was completely different stared at me.

It stared at me without doubt.

It stared at me with bloodshot eyes.

And it moved its lips and jerked its bloody red tongue.

"—D-O N-O-T F-O-R-G-E-T M-E."

Since there was no sound, I could not hear anything, but it certainly tried to form these words.

Something was clearly out of order. Something was a lie.

This something before me was clearly not Reina-san. After all, it was obviously filthier than anything I'd ever seen. Filthy = Reality? Reality? So it had nothing to do with Reina-san. This something could impossibly be Reina-san. Impossible.

Aah, where are you, Reina-san?

Where have you gone? Did you die? Did you disappear because this something stole your soul?

I don't understand.

I don't understand. However.

If I don't find the answer, Reina-san will disappear.

===5===

Neither Yuuko, nor Emi, nor the other people tried to stop us. We made it to the second of July without any trouble.

The only unexpected thing was that one of our companions stubborny claimed, "Reina-san did not say anything about assembling tomorrow at six o'clock!" It was unexpected, but I concluded that she didn't make it to our level and gave up on her.

We go again to the rooftop. Unlike yesterday, a gentle rain is falling, which is a shame but still better than seeing the moon, because the moon always follows us around.

Suddenly, I notice that somebody is sitting in front of the door to the rooftop. Did Yuuko not learn her lesson...? No, it's not her. It's not one of girls who fell through, either. Upon seeing me, the girl stands up.

"You're going to meet Reina-san, right?"

I recognize her voice.

"Oh, you're here as well?" she continues. "Didn't she turn you down?"

I see how Anna stiffens.

"What do you want, Mitsui-senpai?"

Yukimi Mitsui.

One of the servants who arrived at the knowledge of Reina-san's "presence."

"Do you want to join us? I'm sorry, but I haven't forgiven you even though you may be a servant of Reina-san's. I can't let you come with us."

"Join you just to meet Reina-san? Ha!" Yukimi Mitsui sneers. "I don't need your help for that."

"...What was that?"

"I'll be damned if I resort to your means," she laughs and steps aside. She continues in whispers, "I'm here to warn you."

"We don't need your warning."

"Don't misunderstand, okay? I don't care what happens to you, but if this is the last time we meet, I want to get it off my chest at least," she says and flashes a grin. "My worship of Reina-san and yours are as different as snow and ashes."

"...Well, I don't want to be thought hand in glove with you, either!"

"Huhu, is that so? Well, why don't you go ahead and meet your Reina-san? Bye then. We probably won't meet again."

"Goodbye," I say without even turning around to Yukimi Mitsui, who is waving her hand. After stroking Anna's hair gently, I walk up the stairs again, and—

—open the door.

A gentle rain is falling.

Reina-san is already waiting for us in the center of the rooftop.

Reina-san is waiting, smiling and without getting wet..

"Sorry to keep you waiting, Reina-san."

"Why, no, it was me who kept you waiting, Sakura."

I nod with a lopsided smile.

As the rain soaks our hair and clothes, we are reminded of our physical body through the unpleasant feeling. Sadly, this acid rain is filthy and thus can't wash us clean.

We need purification.

"We don't have much time, right? Please tell us how we can go to your world, Reina-san."

She nods. "It is simple. You just have to employ the same procedure as me."

The same procedure...

I recall the chalk line I examined together with Reina-san's brother.

"Do we have to jump...?"

Reina-san nods again.

"I know that it requires courage. I would like to use a different method as well, but there is none."

I look at the others.

They look at me.

They may not say so verbally, but their eyes are clearly telling me to take the lead. We are all afraid. Of course, we trust Reina-san, but we all know that the panic of falling and the pain of hitting the ground are things that cannot be avoided.

Indeed, I have to take the lead. I have to jump first and show them their way. Just like I have been doing so far.

However—

"I'm sorry, but I can't jump first."

Surprise and discontent appear on their faces.

"There is something I want to confirm at the end."

"Can you not do that now?" Anna asks and I nod in response.

She surveys me, then the bandage around her left wrist, and eventually smiles.

"Okay—I will jump first, then."

Surprised but impressed, we applaud to her.

"Anna ... thank you so much."

"No, you don't need to thank me ... It's an honor to be the first to go to Reina-san!"

I'm so proud of Anna. The source of her present strength may be weakness, but it's still strength.

Anna climbs on the fence in a somewhat clumsy manner and stands on top of it. She almost slips because the rain is getting stronger and thus making the fence slippery. Careful, Anna! Don't fall! Hm? Ah, stupid me. You will fall either way.

Anna stands upright atop the slippery fence and speaks straight ahead:

"Reina-san."

"Yes?"

I can't see Anna's face because she's looking forward.

"I will never forget what you said to me yesterday. I was really happy when you said that you would always need me even if nobody else did."

Reina-san nods.

"My scar will disappear once I reach the other world, right?"

"Yes."

"...I'm so happy."

I'm moved.

Reina-san did a great job.

"I will always need you even if no one else does."

This is the very thing Anna wanted to hear the most.

It would sound false from anyone else's mouth, but if Reina-san says it, it's the truth.

But then—

—I don't think I remember Reina-san saying that?

"Sakura," Anna suddenly calls me, interrupting my thought process.

Anna is still looking forward, beyond the rain, so I still don't know what her face looks like.

"Yes, Anna?"

"—Thank you."

Her voice falls downward.

And is cut short.

Anna vanished and spoke simultaneously.

"Thank ... you...?"

Why?

Why would she thank me?

It's Reina-san who saved Anna, and it's Reina-san who will guide her to a better world. You probably can't even say that I bridged the gap between her and Reina-san.

Thank you ... words of gratitude.

But this makes it seem—as though I was the one who brought about this ceremony.

As I'm overcome with this strange confusion, my companions continue to jump one after the other. And before they jump and scatter, they all cite words that I don't remember hearing from Reina-san and give their thanks to me like Anna did.

Watching them makes me feel as though I were looking at artificial flowers that have withered.

Eventually, I end up alone with Reina-san.

The rain has gotten even fiercer. I might catch a cold, I think for a brief moment and sneer at myself.

I'm the last one.

"Kawai-san," the undrenched girl says. "What is it that you wanted to confirm?"

"Yes, there is something I wanted to ask you no matter what."

"Why did it have to be now, 'at the very end'?"

I look at the floor. A water drop drips down from my hair and enters my eye, making me feel filthy from the inside.

The reason why it had to be "at the very end."

It's—because I couldn't let the others hear it.

"Reina-san."

"Yes?"

"It's so hard to explain and I don't know how to put this, but please bear with me."

"Who are you?"

Reina-san remains calm. She is still smiling.

"You're Reina Kamisu, of course, and that's the only way to call you. You are no doubt Reina Kamisu.

"But—you are not the Reina-san who played the piano, are you? You are someone else."

"...Why do you think so?"

"I was always fascinated by Reina-san, but she always made a somewhat strange impression on me. I don't know what it was, but I do not get that impression from you."

Reina-san silently listens to me.

"It's an ambiguous feeling. Perhaps, my memory is playing tricks on me because I haven't met you in a long time, but ... I doubt it."

"Why do you doubt it?"

"Because it's the former Reina-san who gave me that strange impression. If it was the other way around, it would make sense ... but ... as a matter of fact ... you feel way more genuine to me than the previous Reina-san. Isn't it strange that you feel more genuine now than before?"

The rain is getting stronger and I'm starting to get worried if my voice even reaches her.

"If," Reina-san starts. "If I am a different being than before, what will you do?"

"It doesn't matter," I respond without missing a beat. "You are Reina Kamisu. Nothing else."

"Yes," she nods. "I am Reina Kamisu, and nothing else," she says with her beautiful smile. "If you say so, may I tell you the truth?"

"Yes. My decision won't change."

I walk up to the fence and lean against it with my back. I don't even want to think about the sight down there.

"I am a phenomenon that becomes visible to those who believe in my existence."

"...A phenomenon?"

"To you and your friends, I am Reina Kamisu, because that is what you named me. If given a different name, I adapt accordingly. For example, some call me 'god' and some call me an 'angel'. By being given a name, I take shape and become visible."

"...Do you lead the people who can 'see' you to another world?"

"This is the role you gave me."

"But I wasn't the only one who believed so," I argue.

"That is because you took the lead over them and defined my role for everyone. All I ever do is fulfill my purpose."

I defined her role?

It's true that I guided them to believe in Reina-san's "presence," but that's all I did. Reina-san is the one who is to do the rest and save us.

Right, I'm not to blame.

Not to blame?

What? What am I talking about? Blame? What blame? I only did the right thing and struggled to break free from this filth and didn't believe in Reina-san's death and, aah, yes, that filthy corpse wasn't Reina-san's. It wasn't hers, so I realized the truth and now I'm facing Reina-san in person and, aah, I was right from start to finish. Impressive! I didn't do too bad, did I?

"I ... I don't care anymore."

I climb on the fence.

Like Anna and the others, I stand upright and gaze straight ahead.

"You are Reina Kamisu."

"Yes, I am."

"You will save us from the filthy."

"Yes, I will."

"Please fulfill your role."

"Yes, I will fulfill my role."

There's no hesitation.

The others jumped down, too. I can't hesitate. It's too late. Wait, too late? For what? I do not need to hesitate anymore. The answer is clear, I only need to carry it out.

One question—

One question suddenly crosses my mind.

I was Reina-san's servant.

But why did I decide to obey her without a single doubt? What was so special about Reina-san?

Of course, she was beautiful. Of course, she felt different.

But ... that's no reason to obey her.

It makes me think.

Everyone admired Reina-san, everyone was captivated by her, so much that she belonged in the same category as "god" and "angels."

But where did that deification come from?

I mean—

—We don't know anything about Reina-san.

I stop thinking.

I won't turn around to her anymore.

I'll just look at her the same way as I always did.

I'll just project my idea of perfection on her and look upon her in a perfect light.

I step forward.

And as I do, I devote my last thoughts to her:

I ... we may have suffered a lot, but—

—she must have suffered just as much.

<noinclude>
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| Back to [[Kamisu Reina:Volume 2 Ryoji Kamisu|Chapter 2]]
| Return to [[Kamisu Reina Series|Main Page]]
| Forward to [[Kamisu Reina:Volume 2 Reina Kamisu|Chapter 4]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Kamisu Reina:Volume 2 Sakura Kawai

2019-04-09T04:46:04Z

SighingSlider: /* Chapter 3: Sakura Kawai */

==Chapter 3: Sakura Kawai==

===1===

The thought of how thin the ice was I have always stood on until now makes my skin crawl. I have been wiggling left and right like a balancing toy, prone to leaning over—or falling over—any time.

Japanese religion counts thousands of gods.

But doesn't that just mean that people could not decide on a single one? The god you cherish can't be the same as mine, and the god he cherishes can't be the same as yours. In other words, we all consider different things important.

There is no such thing as an universal god.

In other words, there is no god.

If you are able to look at things in a somewhat objective light and look at the state nowadays, then you will see: It is foolish to believe in something.

What people ultimately believe in are tangible things. Money. Because money is much more certain than intangible things like love and friendship. People believe in money, the inorganic, equivalent and quickly betraying thing that gets stained with finger marks in people's pockets and created day by day by human hands at the bank.

It's filthy in a way.

And yet, I knew that nothing could help me better than money, and that I could even buy love and friendship if I used it the right way. In the end, I believed in money in every respect. On one side, those old, wrinkled banknotes that came and went to and from my pocket were dear to me, and the other side, I felt filthy and ended up in despair.

Ultimately, in my world there was nothing to believe in, nothing to hold on to.

I wanted to believe in something beautiful, something pure.

However, there was no such thing no matter where I searched and even if I tried to believe in something, I couldn't shake off my doubts. I ended up trembling in fear of falling.

But that time has ended.

[Plink]

Whenever I think of what creates and defines my foothold, the "Heroic Polonaise" starts to play in my mind. This transparent and vacant and false and mechanic yet transcendental melody is my guide to a steadfast world.

If I were to describe it as an image, then it would be a lake with water so transparent that I forget that there is water.

What I believe in?

—Reina Kamisu.

I do therefore not forgive people who deny her.

But because everybody knows how beautiful and splendid she is, I did not have to deal with such a person. It was unthinkable that someone would deny her.

However—

Yukimi Mitsui appeared and denied Reina-san.

Enemy! She was my enemy! She was the enemy of us who believe in Reina-san!

I could not let her get away with this. Never.

Denying Reina-san is equivalent to destroying my foothold, to putting me back on thin ice. I could not allow that. What right did she have? "Who do you think you are?" I thought and actually asked her.

However, she ignored my warning and chose to remain my foe. Her attitude was a clear message of enmity to me and the other believers.

Yeah, you have got some nerve. I'll fight you back, then.

I told the members of the student council, which was constructed of students who also believed in Reina-san, about Yukimi Mitsui. That was enough to arrange her removal from the Junseiwa school. This place is full of people believing in Reina-san, who also consider anyone who denies her their enemy.

I was satisfied.

After I had launched a devastating attack at my foe, I was already satisfied.

I was forgetful.

A baited cat may grow as fierce as a lion

Yes, satisfied with making an attack, I forgot to keep my guard up.

Blood.

When I returned to my room at the dorm, my roommate Anna Fuyuki was lying in her own blood in the shower room.

For a few moments I was overwhelmed. Absent-mindedly I gazed at the blood flowing down the drain, at the razor blade, at Anna's naked body as water showered on her, at her left wrist and the straight cut, at the blood spilling from there, and finally I screamed, "Anna!" as I rushed to her and held her.

Brr!

Anna has been taking an ice-cold shower, but that is hardly the only reason why she's so cold. Red blood. Milky skin. Blue lips.

Aah, what should I do? I-I must stop the blood ... B-But warming her body comes first. And I have to call the ambulance. Aah, where to start? Why did this happen, anyway?

Only after I take a deep breath it occurs to me that I should stop the shower.

"...Sakura," Anna mutters.

"Why did you do this...?"

"...Sorry for ... troubling you," she says without answering my question. There's no need for her to apologize!

I shake my head and dash out of the room with a "wait a second!" I can't cope with this alone. I need help. After I fetch Yuuko Kasuga and Emi Tachibana from the neighboring room, I have Yuuko bind up Anna's wound because she aspires to become a doctor. In the meantime, Emi calls the ambulance and informs the head of the dorm, whereas I wipe Anna with a towel, put her underwear on, and wrap a blanket around her.

"I'm so sorry..." she keeps apologizing while we are helping her.

To my relief, the flow of blood stops surprisingly easily. "It's not deep," Yuuko whispers into my ear.

"I'm sorry ... I'm so sorry ... I didn't mean to trouble you!" Anna cries.

I shake my head a few times.

Anna, why do you keep apologizing? Didn't you just cut yourself impulsively because something hurt you? Then why—

"———"

A thought suddenly crosses my mind.

The cut is not deep according to Yuuko, but when I found Anna, she was bleeding profusely.

Most likely, she had cut her wrist moments before I arrived at our room.

No ... considering how hard she is apologizing, something else suggests itself.

Anna cut her wrist in the very moment I arrived here.

We have been living here for over a year; I think I know Anna fairly well. I know about her family problems and the fact that she's so weak as to cut her wrists, and I also know that she's so weak as to be afraid of dying.

Self-harm is a little different from attempted suicide because the scars are made for others to see. They're a message to the world that screams "look how much I'm suffering!" Then who did Anna want to send this message to?

The answer is quite obvious: to me.

Anna is weak.

She does not believe in her own strength, she undervalues herself, and because of that, she is dependent on others. She thinks she can't solve her problems on her own.

Anna wanted to show her suffering to me. She wanted me to save her.

"I'm sorry ... I'm so sorry..."

As she keeps weeping, I give her a hug.

"Sakura...?"

"It's okay, don't worry!"

We have a savior.

We have Reina-san.

After a short while, the ambulance arrived (of course we made sure that Anna wore her clothes at this point). I got into the coach together with her and kept holding her hand on our way to the hospital. By the time we arrived, her hand had turned a little warmer than it initially was.

Since the blood flow had already stopped, there was no need for a blood transfusion. The treatment of her wound didn't take too long; I sat next to her and watched as the doctor scolded her, saying "Don't do this again," and proceeded to disinfecting her wound and binding it up. As a side-note, her parents didn't come. I don't know if they were even contacted, though.

After we left the hospital, I took her to a café that serves delicious black tea. I figured that we would end up getting home a bit late, but I was sure the chief of our dorm wouldn't sound us out after what had happened.

I ordered Darjeeling tea, Anna ordered apple tea. We both kept quiet while we were waiting for our tea to be served.

During that time, I sneaked a few peeks at the bandage around Anna's left wrist.

The cut may have been not that deep, but considering the amount of blood that spilled, this is going to leave a scar.

I wonder if Anna is even aware of the graveness of that scar?

There is only one reason for a scar in a place like this. As soon as someone sees it, that someone will immediately look at her in a different light.

...No, that's still a minor issue.

The one who should not look at this scar the most is—Anna herself.

No matter how happy her life, she will always have this scar with her. And whenever she looks at her wrist, it will remind her of the moment she cut herself. She will become anxious again. She will have to face her family issues and the actual reason that led to the self-harm over and over.

　They say that with every sigh you lose a bit of your happiness, which I can fully understand. After all, if you think you're unhappy, then you will inevitably turn unhappy regardless of your actual situation. Once you persuade yourself of your own misery, you will blame everything on it. Met with an accident? Because you're hapless. Got dumped by your lover? Because you're hapless. Lost in that lottery? Because you're hapless. Tripped? Because you're hapless. Your haplessness becomes the source for everything, even though there might be valid other reasons. Things that you would originally not even care about feel like mishaps. And since you think it's your fate, you keep falling down into misery for the rest of your life.

In this sense, Anna's scar is a much clearer sign of "misery" than a sigh, and as such, a much stronger curse that attracts misery.

Our tea arrives. I use this as a sign to start a conversation.

"Anna, what's wrong?"

She ponders for a moment and, for some reason, eventually decides to shake her head.

"It's ... nothing."

"Of course there's something."

"No ... as I once told you, living is painful to me, Sakura. It hurts so much to live. This feeling has been growing for a while now and simply reached the limit."

Is she lying? No. I can read as much off her face.

However—

"But there has to be something that triggered it. You wouldn't cut your wrist without a reason."

I am sure of that. Otherwise, there would be no point in harming herself in front of me.

My remark was correct, apparently: Anna casts her eyes down.

"Come, Anna, tell me about it."

However, Anna hesitates long enough for me to finish my Darjeeling tea, and yet she subconsciously wants to say it. She is not faltering, she is just hesitating. I'm starting to get annoyed.

In the next moment, however, my annoyance is blown away.

"I can no longer be by Reina-san's side."

"Huh?"

In utter surprise, I forget to place my tea cup back on the table.

"Reina-san rejected me."

What is the meaning of this...?

Reina-san rejected Anna?

That's not possible. Reina-san does not make exceptions when associating with people. If she would reject someone, then because—

"Anna ... did you perhaps confess your love...?"

"...I did," she nods with tears in her eyes.

Yes. If Reina-san were to reject someone, then because that someone approached her up to that distance.

"Why would you do that?! Reina-san cannot be degraded to a love interest. I can understand the urge to have her all for yourself, but why would you betray us and risk to be rejected by—"

Suddenly, it clicks with me.

Anna would not do something like this of her own accord. That's just not her personality. She would never take a risk so big as to cut her wrists while knowing that she hardly has any chances.

Then why...? Why did Anna confess to Reina-san?

"———"

Ah, of course.

"...Who threatened you, Anna?"

Her tear-stained eyes widen.

"You weren't just talked into it, right? You're the type of girl who would keep some distance if the other girls joked about 'confessing to Reina-san.'"

"..."

"Who was it that threatened you?"

"..."

Anna does not answer. She must have been told to keep quiet about it. Or perhaps she's just afraid of angering the culprit.

Considering her gentle nature, she might just want to avoid hurting that person.

After all, I'm not willing to forgive the culprit.

It goes without saying how deep the sin and how severe the punishment of taking Reina-san from one of us is.

A world without Reina-san ... Aah, just picturing it to myself makes me feel as if I was drying up from the inside.

Because the liquid that is Reina-san is drawn out of my body...?

Indeed ... as a matter of fact, Anna did also lose her own red liquid.

That's the horrible thing the culprit did to Anna.

I will kill her.

I will kill that culprit!

"Who was it, Anna?" I ask again.

"..."

"You have to tell me; she made you cut your wrist!"

"...But..."

"No buts!"

"...I mean..."

"...Fine. I'll just have a guess."

There are only so many suspects. Firstly, it can't be one of "us." Apart from the fact that "we" understand the pain of losing Reina-san, we would choose another method even if we wanted to bully Anna because there was a chance that she would succeed. Then again ... Anna is not a person with many enemies. In fact, I don't know of anyone who dislikes her.

That means that the culprit is not set against Anna herself, but "us" as a group.

—A person who is hostile against "us"?

I know one. I know someone who fits the bill perfectly.

"Yukimi Mitsui."

From the expression on Anna's face I can read that I am right.

So it was she, eh?

That scumbag who made fun of Reina-san, eh? So after insulting Reina-san, so even hurt my weak Anna?

I'll kill her.

I'm gonna kill her!

I resolved to eliminate Yukimi Mitsui from the Junseiwa school.

There is no doubt that it was she who cornered Anna. A few other students witnessed how she took Anna somewhere (and I'm shocked that they did not step in to help her).

I purchased our weapons through the Internet and drilled down her personal information. As most of the students at this school, her family environment turned out to be very peculiar. This piece of information will be useful to torment her.

Together with Yuuko, Emi, and other students who loathed Yukimi Mitsui for what she did to Anna, I proceeded to executing the elimination plan. We will show no mercy to our enemy. It is important to choose your friends and foes wisely, especially at our age where we are still weak by ourselves. If you show mercy to your enemy, you will end up suffering yourself. Anna did not take part in the elimination. Poor thing. That's why she has to suffer!

After school, we first make sure that Reina-san isn't around and then march into Yuki Mitsui's classroom. The disquieting air about us causes the other senior students, who are still present, to look at us, but because Yukimi Mitsui is the center of trouble, they don't intervene.

"What is it?" she asks snappily. "What does the bunch of you want from me?"

I ignore her barking and press my stun gun against her side.

"Ugha!"

She sinks into a crouch.

"Hmm? What was that strange screech about?" I smirk and, as I look down at Yukimi Mitsui, who is holding her side, I command, "Senpai, mind tagging along with me"

She looks up at me with—haha!—fear written all over her face.

"...Where?"

"Just shut up and follow me, okay?"

She didn't dare to resist or escape. Quite satisfied by that, we walk to the back of the gym.

Once we arrive at our destination, I order my companions to keep watch and turn to Yukimi Mitsui, who is clearly intimidated by us (although she is still trying to look brave), with a scowl.

"So I heard what you did."

"...Did what?"

"Want to play dumb? Remember what you did to Anna Fuyuki?"

She screws up her face and averts her eyes without a word of denial.

"You think you're funny, huh?"

I proceed to corner her with the information I gathered, the weapons I bought, and piercing words. Even she could not help losing heart. But my anger hasn't been vented yet. I kick her in the stomach. It's not enough. I haven't vented on her enough. She made fun of Reina-san, she made fun of "us", and she hassled Anna. I can't forgive her. She hurt "us". I won't forgive her.

And yet...

"My head."

"Hah?"

"That's where I want the first blow! Why don't you beat my head?"

Despite the situation she is in, she started to provoke me.

She completely blew my fuses. That just burned a few of the wires in my head. This girl is playing me for a fool, thinking that I won't really beat her. She is belittling me, thinking that I'm just a tag-along who's clinging to Reina-san. She is looking down on me. She thinks I'm a dependent piece of shit. Don't you think you can make a fool of me! I'll show you what I'm capable of! I'll eliminate you not only from this school, but from this very world that Reina-san lives in!

I raise my club.

"What are you doing there?"

All of a sudden, Reina-san's voice reaches my ears.

I lower my club again. Yukimi Mitsui seems to be just as surprised as I am. It's unlikely that she called her.

"Reina-san?"

"I am very discomforted by this sight. There will be consequences if you beat someone with that thing."

"No, it's OK! It doesn't matter what happens to her! She's making fun of us! More importantly, she's making fun of you, Reina-san! That's unforgivable!"

However, Reina-san calmly brushes off my yell and counters, "If you are doing all this for my sake, then I wish you to stop. I am not angry at Mitsui-san."

"That's ... because you're kind, Reina-san..."

"Please stop," she says in a slightly insistent tone. It might really be just slightly in all objectivity, but this is the strongest expression of intent in Reina-san's scale.

Why would she stop me? Yukimi Mitsui is a jerk who even tormented Anna and—

"—Ah."

I look at Reina-san.

I see ... she knows everything. Of course, I'm mad at Yukimi Mitsui for making light of Reina-san.

However, I only went this far—or at least I only thought of murder—not because of Reina-san, but because of Anna.

I was about to use Reina-san as a pretext for avenging Anna .

As such, she has all the right to stop me. She would never approve of being an excuse for taking revenge on somebody. No, her word is absolute to us either way.

"...OK..."

So I have to obey.

We gave up on using violence on Yukimi Mitsui and walked away from the gym. Since I was disheartened by Reina-san's clear denial of my actions and the others were aware of that, we exchanged no words for a while.

We then called it a day. Only my neighbors, Yuuko and Emi, stayed with me.

"Was that really okay?" Yuuko asks.

"...Nothing we could do, was there? We can't just disobey Reina-san!"

"No, that's not what I mean."

"Huh?"

"I was just wondering if it was okay to leave Reina-san alone with Yukimi Mitsui."

I immediately returned to the back of the gym, but they had already left. I headed to the school building.

Yukimi Mitsui must not be underestimated. She can be very belligerent, and on top of that she must be irritated because of what we did to her. God knows what she's going to do to Reina-san, the person who symbolizes "us."

Needless to say, harming Reina-san is on a whole different level compared to harming Anna.

But Yukimi Mitsui might have turned desperate and plan to soil our symbol.

I run around on the school grounds back and forth, and at last, find Reina-san in the corridor where the second music room is located.

"Reina-san!"

She turns around to me. At a glance, it doesn't seem like she was hurt in any way.

"Kawai-san?"

"Are you all right? Did Yukimi Mitsui do anything to you?"

"Mitsui-san?" she asks and then smiles. "It seems that you have a false picture of Mitsui-san. She is not the kind of person who would do anything to me."

"I don't have a false picture of her. But ... are you really unhurt?"

"Yes, of course."

I let out a sigh of relief. Apparently, my fears were ungrounded this time.

Reina-san gives me a wry smile.

Suddenly, I feel horribly embarrassed as I recall that she has willfully denied my actions earlier.

However, her next words blow me away.

"You have come at the correct time. I was searching for you."

"What?!"

Me? Reina-san was searching for me?

"Is there anything I can help you with?"

Reina-san nods with a smile.

"There is something I wanted to tell you."

"Ah ... I feel honored."

"You are exaggerating."

As if!

"What is it that you wanted to tell me, if I may ask?"

With an ever-so-beautiful smile, she said:

"Please take good care of Reina Kamisu."


Ten minutes later Reina-san died.

===2===

I picture Reina Kamisu to myself.

Above all she is beautiful. It's as if she was perfection given form. No, you could even say that she is perfection.

She is water so pure and transparent that you can't tell where it starts. I tasted from this pure water and had my life saved by it. A human body consists to 70 percent of water. In other words, 70 percent of my body consists already of Reina-san.

The water that is Reina-san is becoming clouded? The foothold is collapsing?

Impossible.

The conclusion that can be drawn is simple.

Reina Kamisu is not dead.

"Reina Kamisu isn't dead!"

Yukimi Mitsui said so.

Even the girl that I considered my enemy said so.

She also claimed herself as a subordinate of Reina Kamisu.

Quite frankly, I underestimated Reina-san's excellence.

I was under the impression that by being with her I was able to increase her value to some extent. Of course, I was completely wrong! Reina-san had no problems showing her splendor to its best advantage even in places that are outside my circle of influence.

Therefore, it's perfectly possible that plans for feigning her death came to be without my knowing.

How they did it?

I don't care. The only thing that matters is the fact that she's alive.

Besides ... would Reina-san even need any realistic means for something as minor as feigning her death?

Of course not.

Reina-san can overcome even death.

I met Reina-san's brother, Ryoji-san. He has also noticed that she's still alive. That makes him the third one of us and proves that it's an undeniable fact that Reina-san's alive.

On his request, I showed him around in school. He acted a bit strange here and there, but he also said this to me:

"I don't know what Reina wanted to achieve by scattering, but I do know the cause."

"What is it...?"

"The cause is—you and your friends."

I was confused at first.

What is the meaning of this? It was us who made her scatter? Has her brother perhaps gotten to this conclusion by talking to me?

Reina-san scattered because of ... us?

No, Reina-san scattered for us.

Which means...?

Right, Reina-san feigned her death for us.

I see. That would explain why she chose to feign her death at this school. It was all for our sake. Reina-san is trying to save us hopeless lambs.

Right, we are hopeless.

Anna, for example, suffers because of her family problems. I, for example, am unable to see anything but a dark, dull future. Because there is no god in this world, there is nothing to depend on and there is no hope for us.

That doesn't make sense!

This system is way too unbalanced. Too unfair. Too absurd. How is that OK? Everything's a lie except for the things that hurt? That's cruel!

Therefore, Reina-san can't be dead.

No, she can't be dead.

She can't be dead.

She's alive.

A-L-I-V-E.

I will kill everyone who dares to claim that she's dead in front of me. Because they're too stupid to be kept alive. Why do these ugly maggots even breathe even though they are blinded by commons sense, even though they believe in nothing but money!

Reina-san simply disappeared somewhere because of some reason.

"Please take good care of Reina Kamisu."


The meaning of her last words starts to dawn on me.

She entrusted me with a task.

What task?

To preserve her place for when she appears again.

Reina-san is not dead, but only very few are aware of it. At this time, it's only Yukimi Mitsui, her brother and me. There may be more, but the number stays small. Moreover, there must be people who have doubts about the lie that is Reina-san's death, but they are lacking evidence.

However, it's true that the lie she spread is very cunning. So cunning, in fact, that the lie will become true once everyone starts to believe it. I don't want to state the obvious, but the dead can't coexist with the living. Dead people lose their relation to the living.

Reina-san will come back, but I feel that her return is bound to certain conditions.

After all, Reina-san is trying to save us. Salvation does not come to people who don't believe in salvation. Therefore, those who forgot her, those who lost faith in her will not be saved. There is no reason for her to appear in a place where she has been forgotten, in a place that is outside the range of her salvation.

It means that I have to make sure she has a place to return to.

In order to meet Reina-san—in order to meet again her again—I have to keep her place unoccupied.

I see! This is a trial.

A trial to test my faith in Reina-san.

As a way to arrange a place for Reina-san, I chose to take advantage of my position as the president of the student council. I asked the teachers to let me have a speech at the monthly assembly and received permission.

The day of the assembly arrived in no time. Through the microphone the teacher who presided over the assembly says, "The president of the student council would like to take the floor." Following his announcement, I climb on the stage and encounter almost five hundred faces, some of which are older than me, some of which are the same age, and some of which are younger than me. Most of their gazes are directed at me. I've gotten used to this sight. After receiving the sign, I, the teachers and the nearly five hundred students bow to each other.

I survey the audience.

Nearly five hundred people. This is hardly anything when comparing it to the numbers used by the mass media, but it's quite an overwhelming sight nevertheless. Is it really in my power to reach their hearts and project Reina-san into them? I don't want to admit it, but Yukimi Mitsui was right when she remarked that my charisma has dwindled. The weight of my words depends on whether or not Reina-san is present. Is it really in my power to show them the right path?

Don't falter! The more numerous the audience, the better. I don't need to convince all of them. I only need enough of them to create a place for Reina-san.

I open my dry mouth:

"Good morning, my dear schoolmates. My name is Sakura Kawai and today I would like to address Reina Kamisu's suicide."

Their gazes focus on me as I address the hottest topic at school. Everyone knows that I took on the position as president of the student council from Reina-san, and that I was her primary servant. They must be fairly curious about what I have to say about this subject.

"As you all know, Reina Kamisu was a special student. I am certain that I do not need to lose any words on how special she was. As such, many among you must still be confused by the sad news of her death. Many among you must still be mourning for her. I was one of them, too."

The students who noticed that I used past tense start to whisper to each other. Not a week has passed since Reina-san throw herself from the rooftop; in normal circumstances it would be impossible for me, her primary servant, to overcome the sadness of losing her.

"However—"

As expected, the majority of the students are all ears for my words. I deliberately choose to provoke them.

"—Let me be frank. Only a fool would be sad about her death."

My words create a general stir.

The students start to exchange glances and the teachers become alarmed. I don't mind if they stop me in the worst case, as long as I can communicate the important things. I only need to get their attention. Some of them will be curious enough to approach me of their own to hear the rest, and I will tell them. My thrilling ideas will soak through them and then automatically spread among the rest of the students.

My network is extensive enough to pull this off, even without Reina-san.

"Why is it foolish? Before I answer this question, let me read your mind."

I feel almost all of their five hundred gazes on me. Excellent.

"Certainly, you were all shocked by her suicide. You are bewildered and you are sad. But above all, do you not have a 'fuzzy feeling' in your chests? Do you not feel that something is wrong?"

As I stand on the stage, I discover a few students who nodded.

"I know what that 'fuzzy feeling' is. Let me get straight to the resolution: you have this feeling because you think that Reina Kamisu might still be alive."

My words create yet another stir.

"Please do not misunderstand me: I mean it quite literally, not in the clichéd sense of her living on in our hearts. Her metabolism is still intact. You may say this is absurd, but then answer me: Can you deny it with all honesty? Can you really say for sure that Reina Kamisu is dead?"

To be frank, I'm only spitting nonsense. A fuzzy feeling? Well, of course they have that feeling! After all, Reina Kamisu, the person who occupied a large part of their hearts, died (they think) from one day to the next without a reason! How could they not have ruffled feelings about it?

However, the ones who fell for it and bought my explanation for their fuzzy feeling will think that everything I said might be true.

Some of them might naturally see through my trick, but can they deny my words with certainty? Can they pass on the compelling thought that Reina Kamisu might still be alive, just to deny what I said? Can they thrust the ones who got their hopes up back into the abyss of despair, even if they were certain it's a lie?

Reina Kamisu is dead. Reina Kamisu is alive. If you had to choose one, you would choose the latter.

If both options are hard to believe, then you would choose the latter.

It's a shame that I have to trick them, but sadly, only few are able to see the truth like me. It's highly unlikely that anyone understands Reina-san like I do.

I proceed to the final blow.

"Dear colleagues, my ideas must sound absurd to you, and I am aware of that. I would laugh it off as ridiculous if I was one of you.

"But ... it is the truth.

"All of you who are laughing at my words will be laughing out of the other side of your faces next week. Why? It's simple."

Yes, I understand Reina-san.

I know the answer.

I only need to give them a glimpse of the answer.

"Because next week, on the first day of July, Reina Kamisu will come back."

My speech turned out less successful than anticipated. The majority view seemed to be that my claims were too implausible, and because this became the mainstream, the people who actually believed me could no longer openly say so.

I don't think it was wrong to hold a speech. Actually, I'm positive that it was the best choice I could make. However, it seems like the world has become too science-oriented to leave room for the thought that someone could resurrect from the dead. Damn ... aren't men the ones who are supposed to only make logic decisions? Our society makes it hard to spread correct ideas. Even psychics who clearly have some sort of power are called fakes these days.

But I don't care.

I haven't failed.

It's true that the majority are fools who are unable to question Reina-san's death, but they're only the majority.

People who believe me, who believe in Reina Kamisu, may be the minority, but they do exist.

"I also thought that Reina-san is still alive! I was relieved to hear that I wasn't the only one who thought so!"

"That 'fuzzy feeling' you mentioned was really preying on my mind. You took a huge weigh off my mind when you pointed it out to us and uncovered the truth behind it."

"Reina-san is still alive! There's no way she would die, is there?"

"I'm not entirely convinced ... but if you are so certain of it and even know when she's coming back, I want to try to believe you."

"I never believed that Reina-san was dead!"

People who said things like this appeared before me. 17 in number. Most of them were third-year students who inherently spent more time with Reina-san than the younger generation. 17 is not a large number compared to 500, but it's not so small, either, if you think of it as half a class.

Is Reina-san going to appear again even with such a small number? Though a little anxious, I decide to be optimistic.

I mean, Reina-san is much smarter than me. She must have foreseen that I would only be able to convince a small number of people even if I did my best. But most of all, the girls who believe in her "presence" are the ones who long for salvation so hard that they have no other choice but to believe in her "presence." Reina-san would never abandon them.

However, that doesn't mean that we can sit back and wait. Just thinking that Reina-san might still be alive is not going to bring about any progress.

What we need is unification. Unified prayer. We have to focus our prayers so strongly that they will reach Reina-san.

That is what has to be done to accomplish Reina-san's return.

In order to proceed to action, I told "the girls" who believe in Reina-san's "presence" to assemble at the Student Council Room after school. By the way, part of the student council, which also includes Anna, also believe in Reina-san's "presence."

It's unfortunate that I'm the only one who "knows" of Reina-san's "presence," but it's not a problem. I only have to guide "the girls" to this knowledge.

It's Thursday, the 29th of June. The first of July will be the day after tomorrow. Time is running out. I have to make sure that "the girls" will make a beeline for our goal without getting sidetracked by anything.

After we assembled at the Student Council Room, we had a long conversation. About Reina-san. About our devotion to Reina-san. About our selfless love for Reina-san. About our relation to Reina-san. About our need for Reina-san. About the importance of Reina-san. About how Reina-san feigned her death. About why Reina-san disappeared. About how Reina-san is going to affect us in the future. About how Reina-san's Reina-san is Reina-san and Reina-san can Reina-san with Reina-san to be Reina-san. Unfortunately, six of the initial seventeen members could not keep up and left our ranks, but the rest of us were able to talk about Reina-san without end. In this manner, we deepened our trust in Reina-san and synchronized with each other.

However, talking only about Reina-san does not suffice. If Reina-san were a diamond and you wanted to fascinate someone with it, you could preach about the diamond's beauty as long as you want and still achieve nothing. Fortunately, they are already fascinated by the diamond that is Reina-san, but still it doesn't suffice. "The diamond suits you!" "It makes you charming!" "You need it!" Similarly, by talking about why we need the diamond and why we have to be fascinated with it, we can strengthen our faith in Reina-san.

"Anna?"

I decide to start with Anna, the easiest target, because she's my classmate, my roommate, the secretary of the student council, and a cutter. Not only can I predict her answers, she is in dire need of Reina-san. She's also a perfect case for the others to listen to.

"Do you have those moments when you feel tired of living in this world?"

Her eyes widen as I pose an unexpected question. It's obvious how she will answer this.

While looking at the bandage on her wrist, she replies, "...All the time."

I nod as compassionately as possible. The other girls, who have been talking with each other, start to give us their attention.

"...Do you also feel like this sometimes, Sakura?"

"Sure," I answer.

"That's a little surprising."

"Do I not look like someone who would get tired of living?"

"Mhm. I mean, you're clever, flexible, and pretty. You ... are good at making your way, I guess? I thought that people like you don't think like that."

"Good at making my way ... huh? Perhaps you can say that. But what if that's exactly why I'm suffering?"

"...Huh?"

"I'm clever. I'm also popular enough to make it to the student council president, although I may have gotten backup from Reina-san. I'm know how to make my way. I'm a realist. Because of that, I was unable to believe in anything and also unable to depend on anything."

Talking about yourself first is a common trick to break the ice. It will unlock Anna's heart

"I understand that you don't have it easy, either," Anna says and adds hesitantly, "...But does it really make you suffer?"

"It does! When you're a realist, you lose the ability to have dreams, you know? For instance, let's assume I wanted to become a writer. In that case, I would realize that it's futile before even trying. There are thousands and thousands of aspiring writers, but only a small fraction of them make it, and only another fraction is able to get by.

"Because of my position in the student council, I often find myself surveying all of our students from the stage. Almost five hundred. That's an overwhelming number! If only one of those five hundred received the talent of succeeding as a writer, how many lots would I have to draw? Do I have that talent right now? Of course not. I never was the best in anything."

"...Mhm."

"When you're a realist, you look up, and when you look up, you see an endless sky. Why would I have the privilege to go all the way to the top? How could I soar up into the sky when I'm currently crawling on the ground? Do you understand, Anna? This is the pain of being realistic."

"...I think I understand."

"Tragic things like child abuse, divorce and accidents aren't the only things that make us suffer. I think that it's the things close to us that really torment us."

Everyone nods in agreement. I know that they all feel discontent with something in their lives.

How should we be optimistic in a world where nothing ever works out? How should we have dreams when we can't even make it into the University of Tokyo, which counts more than 3000 admissions every year? If we earnestly tried to accomplish our dreams, all we would get is scoff at believing in skills we don't have. That's why we give up. Realistic thinking bereaves us of our future and makes us give up. This is how the world throws us into the abyss.

"What about you, Anna? What is tormenting you?"

Anna remains silent. Not because she doesn't want to answer, but because she doesn't know how to word it.

"...I often wonder why I'm living," she eventually says with her glance cast down. "Because it doesn't matter whether I'm alive or not."

"That's not true, Anna! I'd be sad if I lost you."

"Mhm, thanks. But ... that's it."

"What do you mean...?"

"You'd be sad and that's it. Or would my death follow you for your entire life? Would you mourn for me for the rest of you life?"

"I—"

Of course, I would be sad if Anna died. I would probably cry. But ... I don't know how long that sadness would last.

"If I died a shocking death, it might subsist as a trauma. If I died young, you might remember it for that. But in that case, you wouldn't remember me but only my 'death,' right? I'd only live on as a bad memory, which means that my value is negative.

For example, if I went missing, I'm sure you would be worried about me in the beginning, but after only a month you would hardly talk about me anymore, and after a year you would have forgotten me. I think that I don't mean much to all of you."

"That's not true!"

I'm aware that I sound a bit phony.

Of course I care about Anna. She's a good girl—the type who gets along with everyone. On the other side, in many senses you will never find a person of this type in the center of a group. In short, she's one of many. Anna is never the center.

"But Anna, listen ... if, for the sake of the argument, we wouldn't mourn for you so long, what about your family?"

Anna suddenly contorts her face.

Aah—looks like I put my foot in it.

I immediately realized it. The moment I saw her self-ironic　face when I said the word "family", I realized what her answer is.

The answer to my question is "no" and more importantly...

This is the cause for Anna's view on life.

"My family?" Anna sneers with her eyes cast down. "Even though I only have a father who hasn't exchanged a word with me for over a year?"

I couldn't ask about her mother. Nothing good would come of it.

"...Oh, why would anyone care about or understand me when even my family doesn't?"

No one understands her.

I would like deny that, but again, I can't.

It's a fact that her father did not come when she cut her wrist. Of course, she cut her wrist to show me her wound, but at the bottom of it is her family, her father who neglected her.

No one understands you.

Exactly.

The same applies to me: nobody understands me. People are so good at feigning understanding that I sometimes almost buy into it, but in the end, nobody ever understood me. Everyone always dismissed my worries as the wailing of a pubescent, spoiled girl.

Even though they were so defining to me.

Nobody understands my values and beliefs, and I don't understand the values and beliefs of anybody.

Therefore I'm sure I can't understand Anna, either.

"Aah—why do I live...?"

Anna is serious.

To Anna, who is in the firm belief that even her family lacks understanding for her, living can't be enjoyable. She must be wishing to disappear like melting snow. Just like me.

Will this sentiment ever disappear? Will we find ourselves doing some generic office work in our future, and giving birth to cute babies while experiencing twinges of emptiness from time to time? Is that what we will become to survive?

Just thinking about it makes me sick.

This thought is so realistic. So filthy.

We may have been foolish, but we were pure.

"Anna."

"Hm?"

"This sucks."

"Yeah, it does."

"This world sucks."

"It does."

"It's painful, right?"

"It's painful!"

"Do you want to be saved?"

"I want to be saved!"

"Do you want to see Reina-san?"

"I want to see Reina-san!"

Dear God, whether you exist or not.

We need salvation.

I demand of you to return Reina-san immediately.

"Reina-san is different from us," I say.

"Yes, she is different. She is incredibly pretty and perfect and I'm sure that there's a meaning to her life even if there's none to ours."

"Yes, I agree."

"...Yeah."

"Unlike us, she does not have any fixed definitions that predefine her life."

"Yeah."

"Then how do we want to define Reina-san?"

Anna and the others look up into space.

"Aah—"

—Their eyes start to twinkle.

"—I see now," Anna mutters. "Aah, I see ... I see!"

"You're right, Anna. Listen, everyone, you found the answer!"

There's no need to explain everything. There can't be a need to explain everything, otherwise it wouldn't be believable.

I only needed to lead their way to a sentiment they already have.

"Living is so painful to us, which is why ... Reina-san lives."

Reina-san is water.

She is sweet water that fulfills you the more desperate you are.

Reina-san bears a deep meaning just by existing.

A person like her—

"She can't be dead," someone says.

"Reina-san is alive," I assure with a nod. "And—she will appear on the first of July."

Ah, at last!

They all made it there.

===3===

Anna has become reliable.

She could even tell where Reina-san is going to appear, now that she arrived at the conclusion that Reina-san is alive.

"If she disappeared on the rooftop, wouldn't she also appear there again?"

I see. That stands to reason.

I can't believe that she was able to deduce this without my guidance.

The other girls who had made it to my level also become reliable and were able to discover the answer.

We head to the rooftop.

It's still eight in the morning. As we make our way to our destination, we receive the blessing of the sun that is shining brightly through the windows.

Such fine weather during the rainy season! This must be a sign from heaven.

While keeping an even pace we walk up the stairway. With cheerful smiles. With eerily beautiful and uniform smiles. For we acquired a goal that we can live for without any hesitation and distractions.

The sparkling door comes into view.

Beyond that door. Beyond that door, Reina-san is waiting.

I lay my hand on the shining door.

"Wait, Sakura."

Somebody calls my name from behind. Slightly disgruntled, I turn around and find Yuuko. She is one of the blinded fools who didn't believe me and think that Reina-san were dead.

"What's the matter, Yuuko?" I ask in a calm tone of voice because there's no point in getting angry at her.

"...That's my line! You're not allowed to go to the rooftop, and you should know that."

It's as she says. While I did go there once with Reina-san's brother, it has officially been forbidden since Reina-san's incident. However, because the students of this school are generally trusted, they didn't lock the door.

"Today is the first of July, right?"

"Well, yes," I answer Yuuko's obvious question.

"Girls ... do you really, really believe it? That Reina-san is alive?" she asks, looking hesitantly at each of the twelve of "us". "And that she's on the rooftop? That's what you think, right?"

"Yes!" I assert without hesitation.

"...As you may know, my family runs a hospital."

I nod.

"I often went there when I was a child," she explains. "My father gave me free entrance because he thought I could learn something. I often made friends with elderly people.

"And I often had to see them dying."

"...What's your point?" I ask.

"You know my point. What I want to say is something that every child knows: the dead do not come back to life again. That shouldn't be news to you girls."

"Reina-san isn't dead."

"You just don't want to admit it!"

"Reina-san isn't dead," I reply calmly.

Oh dear ... Yuuko knows nothing. Unsurprisingly so.

Yuuko seems a bit daunted because I didn't show any signs of becoming angry, but she continues nevertheless:

"...You'll only be disappointed if you go past this door, Sakura! What you will find isn't a bright future, but the bitter truth that Reina-san is dead."

"That's not possible."

"Even if you were to find her ... then it's nothing but an illusion!"

"If you're so certain, then why don't you come with us, Yuuko?"

"Huh?" she utters with an open mouth in response to my apparently unexpected proposal.

She must be thinking that only "we" are allowed to be there.

"You don't mind, do you?" I ask my companions and they nod peacefully. "So? Coming with us?"

"...Fine," she sighs after some hesitation.

You shouldn't be sighing, Yuuko ... you'll lose some of your happiness!

I lay hand on the door again and—open it.

Light.

"—Aah!"

The world opens itself to us.

And then—

And then—

—I was taken in.

Just like then, just like our first encounter, I took in her, who is water, or maybe she took me in.

I listen carefully.

Instead of Chopin's Heroic Polonaise, her transparent and vacant and false and mechanic yet transcendental voice reaches my ears.

"I am delighted to see you all again."

Amidst the light she spoke to us.

Amidst the light Reina Kamisu spoke to us.

As I beheld her beautiful countenance, I started to cry and shiver with excitement.

"Reina-san," I say. The others follow suit and mutter her name as well, also crying and shivering with delight.

Aah, they can see her just like I do. Wonderful. Nothing stands in our way to happiness now!

Poor Yuuko seems to be thunderstruck by the sight of who we are looking at.

"Forgive me for keeping you waiting," the beautiful girl apologizes with an apologetic smile.

"It's OK! We believed in your return."

"Thank you."

Reina-san responds to my words. Aah! That alone makes me so happy!

"Reina-san...! So you feigned your death to save us, right?"

"Yes, exactly."

"If you don't mind, could you explain to us why there was a need to do that?"

"I am afraid that it might be a little complicated. Do you mind?"

"Of course not."

"As you can surely feel, Kawai-san, this world is rotten."

"Ah, so it's as I thought."

"It is impossible to become happy in this world. Suffering is the only option. If you deceive yourself and turn a blind eye to various things, however, it is possible to obtain an illusion of happiness. But since it is only an illusion, it means that you are not really happy by definition."

"This sounds so rotten."

"Yes. Hence, there is no happiness or salvation as long as you do not disengage from this world. This is why I decided to temporarily leave this world and search for a better one."

Does that mean that she counts as dead in this world? ...No, the idea of death is of no importance. As a matter of fact, Reina-san is standing before my eyes. That's all there is to it. There's no need for me to investigate further.

"And—I discovered our paradise. Therefore, I have appeared here again."

All that's left is to give myself entirely to Reina-san.

"It is a place free of suffering, where everything is gentle, where everything is enjoyable, and where everything is beautiful."

I listen closely to her, completely in raptures. The same seems to apply to the others.

We are going to be saved.

I'm so happy that I believed in Reina-san.

I'm so—happy.

"I am afraid to say that I am not able to remain in this world. In fact, it is questionable if you can even say that I am here right now. I may have only just arrived, but I will therefore disappear once more from here temporarily."

Please don't. I don't want to be separated.

"Are you not going to take us there right now?"

Reina-san shakes her head.

"I cannot take you there anytime. It is difficult to explain, but ... please picture to yourselves hundreds upon hundreds of holes. Once our minds leave our bodies, they are judged based on various conditions and then thrown into one of these holes. Some of them lead to worlds that are even worse than here.

"To some extent, I can control which hole you will be thrown into. However, depending on the 'time', which is one of the various conditions, it might not go well."

"I understand."

Reina-san nods sadly. "I will appear here again tomorrow at six o'clock in the evening. I am sorry ... time has run out. I shall see you tomorrow."

With these words, Reina-san disappears.

She did not walk away, she literally vanished.

I look around. My companions, too, still seem bemused and are gazing at the place where Reina-san was standing. Some of them are also talking to themselves as though in trance.

One among them is showing a different reaction, though. I approach her.

"What do you say now, Yuuko? Reina-san's alive, isn't she?"

Yuuko turns her head to me like a rusty robot. On her face I recognize exceeding bewilderment.

In all that bewilderment, she slowly opens her mouth and asks:

"What kind of joke is this?"

—I don't understand.

Why would she say that after such a miracle?

"Why are you all gazing into space and crying?"

Yuuko is looking at the place where Reina-san was standing.

No, that's not quite accurate.

She is simply looking at the place where our gazes meet, with fear in her eyes.

"Sakura! Come to your senses! For crying out loud—"

"—Weren't you the first person to find her body?!"

Was I, now?

Aah, yes, I was.

I completely forgot about that because it doesn't matter.

Because of that, I also told her brother that I hadn't seen how Reina-san fell.

I mean, what of it?

Is that supposed to prove Reina-san's death, or something?

===4===

I was smiling from ear to ear and almost started skipping along.

"Please take good care of Reina Kamisu."

Aah, she wasn't annoyed at me after all! Reina-san needs me!

Suddenly, I heard a scream.

I raised my head to look what was going on.

An instant passed.

In this instant...

A tragedy took place in front of me.

It—

It fell not with the elegance of cherry blossoms, but just like a heavy lump, following the laws of physics, and with a thump.

A warm liquid squirted around and stuck to my skin.

———

Time stopped.

No way.

This is a lie.

As a matter of act, my flow of time was in complete disarray, going faster and slower at random, and it felt much more unrealistic than a dream even ... at any rate, it was a lie.

After all, Reina-san had just told me to take care of her, which clearly was in conflict with the thing that just happened, and, aah, at any rate, this was a lie. What's the deal with ... this? Why did this, huh? I don't get it. At any rate, it was a lie, a lie, and a lie, so I silently laughed aloud.

The hideously deformed something that resembled Reina-san and yet was completely different stared at me.

It stared at me without doubt.

It stared at me with bloodshot eyes.

And it moved its lips and jerked its bloody red tongue.

"—D-O N-O-T F-O-R-G-E-T M-E."

Since there was no sound, I could not hear anything, but it certainly tried to form these words.

Something was clearly out of order. Something was a lie.

This something before me was clearly not Reina-san. After all, it was obviously filthier than anything I'd ever seen. Filthy = Reality? Reality? So it had nothing to do with Reina-san. This something could impossibly be Reina-san. Impossible.

Aah, where are you, Reina-san?

Where have you gone? Did you die? Did you disappear because this something stole your soul?

I don't understand.

I don't understand. However.

If I don't find the answer, Reina-san will disappear.

===5===

Neither Yuuko, nor Emi, nor the other people tried to stop us. We made it to the second of July without any trouble.

The only unexpected thing was that one of our companions stubborny claimed, "Reina-san did not say anything about assembling tomorrow at six o'clock!" It was unexpected, but I concluded that she didn't make it to our level and gave up on her.

We go again to the rooftop. Unlike yesterday, a gentle rain is falling, which is a shame but still better than seeing the moon, because the moon always follows us around.

Suddenly, I notice that somebody is sitting in front of the door to the rooftop. Did Yuuko not learn her lesson...? No, it's not her. It's not one of girls who fell through, either. Upon seeing me, the girl stands up.

"You're going to meet Reina-san, right?"

I recognize her voice.

"Oh, you're here as well?" she continues. "Didn't she turn you down?"

I see how Anna stiffens.

"What do you want, Mitsui-senpai?"

Yukimi Mitsui.

One of the servants who arrived at the knowledge of Reina-san's "presence."

"Do you want to join us? I'm sorry, but I haven't forgiven you even though you may be a servant of Reina-san's. I can't let you come with us."

"Join you just to meet Reina-san? Ha!" Yukimi Mitsui sneers. "I don't need your help for that."

"...What was that?"

"I'll be damned if I resort to your means," she laughs and steps aside. She continues in whispers, "I'm here to warn you."

"We don't need your warning."

"Don't misunderstand, okay? I don't care what happens to you, but if this is the last time we meet, I want to get it off my chest at least," she says and flashes a grin. "My worship of Reina-san and yours are as different as snow and ashes."

"...Well, I don't want to be thought hand in glove with you, either!"

"Huhu, is that so? Well, why don't you go ahead and meet your Reina-san? Bye then. We probably won't meet again."

"Goodbye," I say without even turning around to Yukimi Mitsui, who is waving her hand. After stroking Anna's hair gently, I walk up the stairs again, and—

—open the door.

A gentle rain is falling.

Reina-san is already waiting for us in the center of the rooftop.

Reina-san is waiting, smiling and without getting wet..

"Sorry to keep you waiting, Reina-san."

"Why, no, it was me who kept you waiting, Sakura."

I nod with a lopsided smile.

As the rain soaks our hair and clothes, we are reminded of our physical body through the unpleasant feeling. Sadly, this acid rain is filthy and thus can't wash us clean.

We need purification.

"We don't have much time, right? Please tell us how we can go to your world, Reina-san."

She nods. "It is simple. You just have to employ the same procedure as me."

The same procedure...

I recall the chalk line I examined together with Reina-san's brother.

"Do we have to jump...?"

Reina-san nods again.

"I know that it requires courage. I would like to use a different method as well, but there is none."

I look at the others.

They look at me.

They may not say so verbally, but their eyes are clearly telling me to take the lead. We are all afraid. Of course, we trust Reina-san, but we all know that the panic of falling and the pain of hitting the ground are things that cannot be avoided.

Indeed, I have to take the lead. I have to jump first and show them their way. Just like I have been doing so far.

However—

"I'm sorry, but I can't jump first."

Surprise and discontent appear on their faces.

"There is something I want to confirm at the end."

"Can you not do that now?" Anna asks and I nod in response.

She surveys me, then the bandage around her left wrist, and eventually smiles.

"Okay—I will jump first, then."

Surprised but impressed, we applaud to her.

"Anna ... thank you so much."

"No, you don't need to thank me ... It's an honor to be the first to go to Reina-san!"

I'm so proud of Anna. The source of her present strength may be weakness, but it's still strength.

Anna climbs on the fence in a somewhat clumsy manner and stands on top of it. She almost slips because the rain is getting stronger and thus making the fence slippery. Careful, Anna! Don't fall! Hm? Ah, stupid me. You will fall either way.

Anna stands upright atop the slippery fence and speaks straight ahead:

"Reina-san."

"Yes?"

I can't see Anna's face because she's looking forward.

"I will never forget what you said to me yesterday. I was really happy when you said that you would always need me even if nobody else did."

Reina-san nods.

"My scar will disappear once I reach the other world, right?"

"Yes."

"...I'm so happy."

I'm moved.

Reina-san did a great job.

"I will always need you even if no one else does."

This is the very thing Anna wanted to hear the most.

It would sound false from anyone else's mouth, but if Reina-san says it, it's the truth.

But then—

—I don't think I remember Reina-san saying that?

"Sakura," Anna suddenly calls me, interrupting my thought process.

Anna is still looking forward, beyond the rain, so I still don't know what her face looks like.

"Yes, Anna?"

"—Thank you."

Her voice falls downward.

And is cut short.

Anna vanished and spoke simultaneously.

"Thank ... you...?"

Why?

Why would she thank me?

It's Reina-san who saved Anna, and it's Reina-san who will guide her to a better world. You probably can't even say that I bridged the gap between her and Reina-san.

Thank you ... words of gratitude.

But this makes it seem—as though I was the one who brought about this ceremony.

As I'm overcome with this strange confusion, my companions continue to jump one after the other. And before they jump and scatter, they all cite words that I don't remember hearing from Reina-san and give their thanks to me like Anna did.

Watching them makes me feel as though I were looking at artificial flowers that have withered.

Eventually, I end up alone with Reina-san.

The rain has gotten even fiercer. I might catch a cold, I think for a brief moment and sneer at myself.

I'm the last one.

"Kawai-san," the undrenched girl says. "What is it that you wanted to confirm?"

"Yes, there is something I wanted to ask you no matter what."

"Why did it have to be now, 'at the very end'?"

I look at the floor. A water drop drips down from my hair and enters my eye, making me feel filthy from the inside.

The reason why it had to be "at the very end."

It's—because I couldn't let the others hear it.

"Reina-san."

"Yes?"

"It's so hard to explain and I don't know how to put this, but please bear with me."

"Who are you?"

Reina-san remains calm. She is still smiling.

"You're Reina Kamisu, of course, and that's the only way to call you. You are no doubt Reina Kamisu.

"But—you are not the Reina-san who played the piano, are you? You are someone else."

"...Why do you think so?"

"I was always fascinated by Reina-san, but she always made a somewhat strange impression on me. I don't know what it was, but I do not get that impression from you."

Reina-san silently listens to me.

"It's an ambiguous feeling. Perhaps, my memory is playing tricks on me because I haven't met you in a long time, but ... I doubt it."

"Why do you doubt it?"

"Because it's the former Reina-san who gave me that strange impression. If it was the other way around, it would make sense ... but ... as a matter of fact ... you feel way more genuine to me than the previous Reina-san. Isn't it strange that you feel more genuine now than before?"

The rain is getting stronger and I'm starting to get worried if my voice even reaches her.

"If," Reina-san starts. "If I am a different being than before, what will you do?"

"It doesn't matter," I respond without missing a beat. "You are Reina Kamisu. Nothing else."

"Yes," she nods. "I am Reina Kamisu, and nothing else," she says with her beautiful smile. "If you say so, may I tell you the truth?"

"Yes. My decision won't change."

I walk up to the fence and lean against it with my back. I don't even want to think about the sight down there.

"I am a phenomenon that becomes visible to those who believe in my existence."

"...A phenomenon?"

"To you and your friends, I am Reina Kamisu, because that is what you named me. If given a different name, I adapt accordingly. For example, some call me 'god' and some call me an 'angel'. By being given a name, I take shape and become visible."

"...Do you lead the people who can 'see' you to another world?"

"This is the role you gave me."

"But I wasn't the only one who believed so," I argue.

"That is because you took the lead over them and defined my role for everyone. All I ever do is fulfill my purpose."

I defined her role?

It's true that I guided them to believe in Reina-san's "presence," but that's all I did. Reina-san is the one who is to do the rest and save us.

Right, I'm not to blame.

Not to blame?

What? What am I talking about? Blame? What blame? I only did the right thing and struggled to break free from this filth and didn't believe in Reina-san's death and, aah, yes, that filthy corpse wasn't Reina-san's. It wasn't hers, so I realized the truth and now I'm facing Reina-san in person and, aah, I was right from start to finish. Impressive! I didn't do too bad, did I?

"I ... I don't care anymore."

I climb on the fence.

Like Anna and the others, I stand upright and gaze straight ahead.

"You are Reina Kamisu."

"Yes, I am."

"You will save us from the filthy."

"Yes, I will."

"Please fulfill your role."

"Yes, I will fulfill my role."

There's no hesitation.

The others jumped down, too. I can't hesitate. It's too late. Wait, too late? For what? I do not need to hesitate anymore. The answer is clear, I only need to carry it out.

One question—

One question suddenly crosses my mind.

I was Reina-san's servant.

But why did I decide to obey her without a single doubt? What was so special about Reina-san?

Of course, she was beautiful. Of course, she felt different.

But ... that's no reason to obey her.

It makes me think.

Everyone admired Reina-san, everyone was captivated by her, so much that she belonged in the same category as "god" and "angels."

But where did that deification come from?

I mean—

—We don't know anything about Reina-san.

I stop thinking.

I won't turn around to her anymore.

I'll just look at her the same way as I always did.

I'll just project my idea of perfection on her and look upon her in a perfect light.

I step forward.

And as I do, I devote my last thoughts to her:

I ... we may have suffered a lot, but—

—she must have suffered just as much.

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| Back to [[Kamisu Reina:Volume 2 Ryoji Kamisu|Chapter 2]]
| Return to [[Kamisu Reina Series|Main Page]]
| Forward to [[Kamisu Reina:Volume 2 Reina Kamisu|Chapter 4]]
|-
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</noinclude>

Kamisu Reina:Volume 2 Ryoji Kamisu

2019-04-09T04:42:03Z

SighingSlider: /* Chapter 2: Ryoji Kamisu */

==Chapter 2: Ryoji Kamisu==

===1===

"I will die in a few days from now," says my little sister, Reina Kamisu, while she is enjoying a cup of Darjeeling tea on the terrace.

"Hm?" I groan not because I didn't understand her, but because I couldn't catch the meaning. After all, she wouldn't speak about her death like about the weather tomorrow.

"As I said, I will die in a few days."

I attempt to read a metaphorical meaning into her words, but at least for now there is just no plausible explanation why she would suddenly come up with such a statement.

"Die?" I ask.

"Yes."

"You?"

"Yes."

"That joke is—" Lame. And Reina does not tell lame jokes. "...Are you serious?"

"I am serious," she confirms without hesitation.

"Okay—"

What's the deal? Does she want to bother me with nonsense? Reina...? No, she wouldn't do that. What she said must be a simple truth.

Reina will die; if that's the truth, I ought to become disconcerted. However, I don't know about others, but at least I can't just believe and embrace the thought of her death just because she predicted it. No, maybe I can't do that because it's me.

"You...you don't have some incurable disease, right? Haha...this isn't some schmaltzy book, after all."

"No, I do not have a disease."

"All right, let's set aside for a moment whether or not you'll die. Why did you tell me that, anyway?"

"Because it is the truth and you belong to my family, Ryoji-san."

"Ha!" I sneer. Family?

Reina dryly calls me "Ryoji-san" instead of using some sort of nickname as is usual for siblings. I'm sure it's not actually with intent, but I can't shake off the nasty feeling that she is trying to deny our blood relation.

Well, I'm probably the only one who thinks like that.

Family, eh? I don't know about her, but at least I never considered her family. To me—to our family—she is not a member, but a piece of art.

"Excuse me, but did I say something bizarre?"

"No," I utter in response.

Despite talking about her own death, Reina gives me a smile. Yes, she is smiling indeed—and that's our punishment for treating her like a piece of art.

I don't remember an exact date, but when Reina was around ten years old, she lost all her emotions. At the very least, I could no longer observe any stirrings of emotion in her. The only thing she would show—regardless of the situation—was a smile. In fact, I can't even picture her to myself without one.

There is one thing I always think when looking at her:

—We must not disturb her smile.

Reina is a person. But we somehow forgot about that while associating with her and eventually treated her with utmost care as though she were a fragile work of art. Reina became obliged to smile and we became obliged not to disturb her smile.

She was sensible enough to recognize that role we had force upon her and played along.

However, she also had the skill to fulfill that role. Since she was intelligent to begin with, Reina quickly became what one could call perfect. She became perfect in every thinkable aspect—be it her appearance, manners, wits, personality, or her skills—so much that it bordered on being plain creepy.

We were all equally shaken, I presume, but nobody said anything; after all, this is what we had wanted Reina to be. Besides... what problem is there with being perfect?

Therefore, all we could eventually do was watching in amazement as she elegantly drunk tea on the terrace as if she was a piece of art.

...But I digress.

"If you know that you will die within a few days, that means that you plan on ending your life, right? In that case, it would indeed be plausible to say that you will die in a few days."

"So you think that I will commit suicide?"

"No, I don't."

"But?"

"If you thought about committing suicide, then you wouldn't tell me, would you?"

Reina smiles in response to my statement.

"I would stop you, Reina, if you told me about suicide, although there would be no need to tell me in the first place if you were serious about it. Moreover, you might give me a guilty conscience by evading my attempts to stop you, and you are too smart a person for such a misconduct that nobody profits. You aren't so weak as to say this because you want me to stop you, either. But most of all... you don't trust me enough to confess your plans of suicide to me."

"That is not true."

"I wonder," I say with a wry smile and sip at my lukewarm cup of black tea. "Anyway, the answer is that you are going to be killed in a few days."

"But did you not say that I will end my own life a few moments ago?" Reina asks.

"You said that you will die in a few days. In other words, you are aware that you are going to be killed. No one is holding you captive, Reina. Even if someone was threatening you, you could escape with with some effort. However, you don't, which means that you have decided to end your life. Besides, if you really planned to commit suicide, there would be no need to use a vague expression like in a few days."

"I understand," says Reina with a nod. I doubt that something I can think of would not occur to her, so she might just be trying to be polite.

"Compared to a normal person, there are more reasons to target someone like you. For one thing, our family is fairly wealthy, and your looks would justify an attempt to murder you as well. There are more than enough reasons for murder to occur."

"That might be true," she says with a smile, agreeing with the absolutely disagreeable fact that I pointed out. It's perfect. The mask she is wearing is perfect.

Is she scheming something else beneath that beautiful mask of hers? Perhaps. But if nobody is able to perceive what that is, those thoughts are technically non-existent.

"All right," I say, finally cutting to the chase. "What do you want me to do, Reina?"

Reina answers with a smile. "I just wanted you to know."

"Hold on! So you want me to sit on my hands and do nothing even though I now know that my sister is going to be killed?"

I may have said this, but as a matter of fact I can't imagine Reina getting killed; although I don't know if that is because she's so blunt about it or because I've subconsciously sorted out the possibility.

Or perhaps because I care about other people as little as Reina does.

"...I see where you are coming from. Asking this of you might be cruel indeed."

"See?"

And because of that, our empty conversation felt very artificial and superficial, with neither of us putting their cards on the table.

"In that case, go to my room when the time comes."

"...To your room?"

Come to think of it, I can't remember when I last was in her room even though we live under the same roof.

"When the time comes...?"

"You will be able to tell!"

If anyone else other than Reina had told me so, I would have laughed it off. However, Reina is saying so and she is smiling.

"Do not worry about me, Ryoji-san," Reina says to me while I'm struggling to find the right reaction. "I will die—"

"—but only metaphorically."

However, Reina died.

A few days after our conversation—three days, to be exact—Reina killed herself by jumping off the roof of a school building.

She didn't leave behind a last will, but there were more than enough witnesses to confirm her death, since it happened shortly after school was over. Reina jumped head-first off the building and died. Unless all the witnesses were lying, that's a truth.

However, because more than half her pretty face was missing after the fall, I have not seen her body.

Every person dies eventually. Every person.

This always gets me wondering; would Reina really die? Would a being so perfectly balanced really die like the bunch of us?

Even though the answer is as clear as day, my head keeps telling me "no". But that's absurd.

But Reina has indeed said it. She's many times smarter than me, and she has smilingly said it.

"Only metaphorically."

I know it's foolish to believe it, and yet I know that I'm right. I suffer of two conflicting thoughts.

Somewhere, maybe in the course of our conversations, Reina has infected me with a Trojan horse that keeps asking me—

—is Reina Kamisu really dead?

===2===

"Whose shoes are those...?" I mutter as I spot unfamiliar leather shoes on entering my home.

"Ah, welcome home Ryoji-san," a woman says as she hurries to me. She, Sakairi-san, is not my mother but an employee who has kept the house for our family for twenty years.

"Hello, Sakairi-san," I reply and take off my shoes.

Twenty years; that's the same amount of time as I have lived so far. In other words, her first job here was to look after me when I was still a baby—which effectively makes her my second mother, since my true mother shuffled off all the hard labor as a housewife to Sakairi-san.

Likewise, she was also Reina's second mother.

In fact, when I saw her crying at Reina's funeral ceremony, it occurred to me that she might actually be the person who mourned for Reina the most and accepted her death before anyone else.

Our family members treated Reina as someone special, but what about Sakairi-san? No one else had seen more of Reina's mundane sides than Sakairi-san, who changed Reina's diapers and emptied her trash bin. Perhaps, she actually thought of Reina as a normal person.

As such, she was bound to be saddened by Reina's passing.

Suddenly, Sakairi-san cuts off my train of thought: "Ah right, I should tell you that a former friend of Reina-san is here."

I drop my gaze to my feet and look at the unfamiliar shoes again.

Sakairi-san was by no means the only person who cried at Reina's funeral ceremony; mother teared up as well—although I can't say the same for father—and so did many of the students from her school, sobbing and weeping. So many tears were shed that day, in fact, that it could have rained.

I must have been the only one who was not concerned with her death.

"Come to see Reina's altar, I take it?"

"Yes."

Leaving behind an indifferent uh-huh, I start to walk to my room upstairs. However...

"Would you mind saying hello to her, Ryoji-san?" Sakairi-san suddenly suggests.

"Huh? Why?"

"I already bid her welcome, of course, but I'm afraid that it might be considered impolite if no one from the family welcomed her."

"But why me...? What about mother?"

I quickly regret my remark. It has only been five days since Reina's death and mother has sunk into depression. I don't know if it's because she lost her daughter or because she lost a piece of splendid art, though.

At any rate, that's what happens when pampered little princesses grow up under a shield of protection. It's really bothersome.

But I'm sure this won't last for long; everything will be back to normal within a month or so. Even while mourning, she won't just stop eating and defecating, and she probably won't miss out on the next lesson at the ballroom dancing school that she has taken to visiting. Before long she will have forgotten to be sad, since such feelings have to be locked away when dealing with our everyday chores. We are conditioned to by our society.

Therefore, feelings serve no purpose to begin with.

I wonder, though, if our parents would be just as sad if I were the one who died ... which is a stupid question. The answer is obvious.

As if they would care.

"...Fine, fine. She's by the alter, right?"

"Yes."

"I'll go greet her. I'm sure you already served her some tea?"

"Yes, absolutely."

"I expected no less."

With these words, I get on my way to our Japanese-style room and walk through the unnecessarily long corridor of the house.

When I pushed aside the sliding door, I found a girl gazing at the photograph at Reina's altar.

In her eyes I recognize something that's neither sadness nor despair. Uh-huh, she's one of those. Well, in Reina's case that's perfectly possible even if she went to an all-girls school.

The girl was simply enraptured by the photograph of Reina.

That's a common reaction. The same happened to some of the business associates of my father who had to attend her funeral: the instant they saw the picture, they were so charmed that they forgot to act mournfully for a moment.

"Ah..." the girl gasps nervously as she notices that someone witnessed her enchanted gaze. I play dumb in response and greet her instead.

"Hello," she returns. "Are you Reina-san's ... brother?"

"Well, yes."

That fact alone was enough to gain her respect. Well, well, if my sister's influence isn't amazing. She's pretty—maybe I should look out for a chance to sleep with her?

"What's your name?"

"My name...? I'm Sakura Kawai," she answers with her eyes fixed upon me. "Excuse me, but you don't happen to ... have picked up my name somewhere?"

"Huh?"

"I've taken over the position of president of the student council from Reina-san. So I thought that she might have ... mentioned me at some point ... perhaps."

"Hm ... I'm afraid not."

"I see..." Kawai-san mutters with blatant disappointment. She must have concluded that she wasn't important enough to Reina to be worth a mention.

"See, Reina never talked about others."

"She didn't...?"

"Yeah."

My excuse was enough to make her smile again. What a simpleton.

It's true that Reina hardly ever talked about others, though. In fact, I don't remember ever hearing anything about her reputation at school.

...Hm, why don't I grasp the opportunity and ask the girl before me? Well, her reputation was obviously mostly positive looking at this girl.

"What kind of person was Reina at school?"

"A wonderful person," Kawai-san replies without missing a beat.

"...Wonderful in what way?"

"I can't explain it. Everything she did was wonderful ... at any rate, she was my ... no, our guide, our goal, our ideal."

"..."

I was prepared for a favorable opinion, but Kawai-san's turned out far more intensive than expected. Her eyes were glittering with adoration—and even struck me as void—as she spoke about Reina. You could almost think she was a—"worshipper" of sorts.

On the other hand, I can somewhere understand her. If Reina doesn't appear human even to her family, then she could definitely make a godlike impression on unrelated people. Even more so in the case of the Junseiwa school: all-girls, for wealthy people, and on top of that, a high percentage of the students seem to be staying at the dorm. I can't fathom what effect Reina must have had on a school with such a highly unified value system.

Suddenly, I recall my conversation with Reina and feel a shudder run down my spine.

"...Kawai-san?"

"Yes?"

"You weren't there when Reina jumped off the roof, right?"

I quickly regret my question. Kawai-san is Reina's "worshipper" and I figured that confronting her with the death of her idol is rather cruel.

However, my fears prove ungrounded. In a perfectly composed manner, the girl replies, "No, I haven't been there." Relieved that she is apparently not as fanatic as expected, I ask another question:

"Then ... do you think that Reina committed suicide?"

During my conversation with Reina, I concluded that she would die of murder, but that assessment might have been wrong after all. If she was aware of my indifference to others–and thus indifference to her suicide–that would have enabled her to deliberately mislead me into thinking of murder.

But why would she do that in the first place?

What if my initial assessment wasn't wrong? What if she was killed and didn't commit suicide?

As a matter of fact, these fears seem to be grounded when looking at the Junseiwa school. Perhaps, her idolized image developed a life of its own?

Oh, what an absurd thought. I'm such an idiot. If that were really true—

"Reina-san did not commit suicide."

Kawai-san replied to my question and interrupted my train of thought.

"Huh...?"

"As I said, Reina-san did not commit suicide!"

"D-Don't be silly! That would mean that dozens of people are lying about witnessing the scene of her suicide!"

Exactly. That fact clashes with my assessment of murder.

Kawai-san, however, asks bluntly:

"Do you think that's impossible?"

"...Impossible?"

"Do you really think it's impossible that dozens of Junseiwa students would lie about Reina-san's death?"

I gasp.

The present condition at Junseiwa is an unknown to me, and yet I was able to easily envision her as a special individual to the students at the school. That's why I started to suspect murder.

But what if reality exceeded my imagination?

"Dear brother of Reina-san, listen. She is absolute to us. Can you follow me? Absolute. Things like common sense, good sense and the law don't matter when Reina-san is involved."

The Junseiwa school is a detached domain. On top of that, females are highly adaptive and skilled at building up their own little community.

What are the implications of throwing Reina Kamisu into that mix?

"At our school, Reina-san made the rules."

Yeah, right. That's what happens.

"I'm sure you understand now, right?" she asks. "Our students will happily make false statements as long as Reina-san wills it."

"...Wait! If Reina wills it? Do you mean that Reina made you kill her? No, in this case it means she made you help her with her suici–"

"What are you talking about...?"

"...Hm?"

"Who said that Reina-san was killed?"

"Huh?"

Kawai-san pulls her lips to a smirk, and makes me realize that her level of "worship" is indeed fanatic.

The girl opens her mouth again.

"Reina-san isn't dead."

How terribly deluded she is. Kawai-san has come to a silly conclusion just because she doesn't want to accept Reina's death.

However—

—Is she the only one who came to this conclusion?

"——is Reina Kamisu really dead?"

Is this just a coincidence? Was Reina so unearthly that she could give us both the same impression?

Or is it simply the truth?

At any rate, I decide to ask for Kawai-san's opinion.

"Kawai-san ... you're being absurd. Then who on earth is that person that was cremated and buried six feet under?"

"I don't know. But dear brother ... have you seen the body?"

"...I haven't."

"See?"

"...No, you can't gloss it over like that. The students at Junseiwa may lie for Reina, but the police staff that examined her body do not," I argue.

"I wouldn't be too sure of that."

"What?"

"We have quite a few students with politically active parents or with parents who work at the police. They could apply pressure."

"...I doubt those parents would listen to their daughters just like that."

"We also have money. And ... well, we are young and pretty. It shouldn't be impossible to bribe one or the other examiner with those means, don't you think?"

"...What about her corpse? You can't tell me that you'd kill someone who looks similar just to replace her. You wouldn't go that far even if she—"

"But we would. I told you that she is the absolute rule to us and exceeds good sense and the law, didn't I?" the girl says with iron determination.

...I mustn't let her deceive me. It might be true that Reina would not be incapable of feigning her own death.

But that's only hypothetical.

The likelihood isn't zero, but the number is so small that it can be considered mathematically irrelevant and can be reduced to zero.

On the other hand, I can't deny the fact that I also wondered why Reina would go out of her way to commit suicide at the Junseiwa school.

"Your reasoning is all over the place, Kawai-san, but I do get your point. But let's be honest here: you arrived at this explanation because you can't believe Reina is dead, right?"

"Yes, I suppose."

"Why did you think Reina isn't dead? Did she tell you that she wouldn't die, or something?"

"..." Kawai-san seems to be at a loss for words at first. At last, she continues: "No. I simply noticed."

As I expected. Kawai-san has merely built a logic around her delusions.

However, the next thing she says rattles me.

"A former enemy of mine, who is also a subordinate of Reina-san's, was also aware of the fact that Reina-san isn't dead. Ironically, she is the one who pointed it out to me. After giving it some thought, I also realized that Reina-san can't be dead."

"..."

Kawai-san and I are not the only ones who came to that conclusion?

"Fine, fine! That's enough!" I shout, unable to suppress my irritation.

"...Excuse me. It might have been inappropriate to say these things to a relative of hers," Kawai-san says while hanging her head.

"Yeah, I've heard enough. In fact, you didn't even need to tell me. I was already certain of it."

"Huh...?"

At last, I admit it.

"Reina Kamisu is alive."

The likelihood is zero. And even when taking Reina's exceptionalness into account, the likelihood stays infinitely close to zero.

However, the very fact that Reina was born into this world is an even greater miracle. A miracle atop of a miracle is nothing to be surprised about. Both things have a 0 chance of occurring. They're absurd. If one impossible thing happens, then everything that occurs afterwards can be considered just as impossible and therefore there is no need to be surprised. No matter how many miracles occur, in the end it's just one miracle.

"Metaphorically."

Reina told me figuratively that she would die. She did that, because it was the only way to express what was going to happen and what did happen.

In the end, she still has us all in her palm of her hand.

Reina is trying to achieve something by dying socially, by vanishing off the face of the earth. However, the question of her goal is far above me.

But there is one thing that I do know.

If things are going according to Reina's plan—then it's only a matter of time until everything falls into place.

===3===

I split up with my girlfriend after dating her for three months and ignored her when she asked why with tears in her eyes. I had learned from experience that it was no use trying to explain my reasons when splitting up with a girlfriend.

Why I ended our relationship?

Because I wasn't satisfied.

Because she didn't become mine.

She didn't truly look at me.

Most of my ex-girlfriends would then either deny it or flip out, saying that "it was my fault." That's why I decided to split up without making any excuses this time around. However, I've recently come to think that my ex-girlfriends may have been not so off the mark. After all, I'm indifferent to others, and they were no exception. In that case, the problem was clearly on my side.

I'm sure I realized that because I'm getting older.

Oh boy ... what a shame. She was my type in both looks and personality. She even loved a guy like me and never did things I didn't care for. Why did it have to end like this?

...Well, at least I got to bang her.

After I cut off my train of thought like this, I leave through the gate of my university, walk for a bit and catch myself a taxi. "To the Junseiwa school," I tell the driver, take out my cell phone and navigate to the newest entry in my address book.

[Sakura Kawai]

She answered the phone after three rings.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is that Reina-san's brother?"

I turn to the driver to inquire about the time until arrival and forward the answer to Kawai-san. She will be waiting at the gate for me.

After making the appointment, I hang up.

"Meeting up with your sweetheart?" the driver jests.

"No, I just split up with my girlfriend."

As I reply in a leisure manner, I notice that I have lost all interest in my ex-girlfriend.

Neither am I hurt, nor do I feel any guilt.

"Hehe..."

Well, well—

Looks like I didn't care about her after all.

Kawai-san was waiting at the gate as promised.

"Sorry for bothering you," I say, assuming that she had to come all the way here from home since it's almost 6 pm.

"It's okay. I live just around the corner."

"Ah, in the dorm?"

"Yes."

I look up at the school gate while talking with her. Mmm, quite impressive. As expected from a school for rich girls. Oh, look at that! They even installed surveillance cameras!

"...Is it safe for me to enter this campus?"

"I told our advisor that a relative of Reina Kamisu is coming. Besides, you should be fine if you stay together with me, even if word hasn't reached all teachers yet. I'll explain it to them if they ask."

I recall that she is the head of the student council and nod.

"Excellent. So, can you show me where Reina died?"

"Come again?"

"Ah, let me correct myself. Show me where Reina 'scattered.'"

With these words, we enter the grounds of the Junseiwa school.

I'm now inside an all-girls school that only lets in girls and women. A secret flower garden of sorts—which is a very cheesy yet strangely suitable simile. Reina has indeed secretly sown flowers here, and they are budding soon.

I must find out what they are.

Because that is probably the reason why Reina had that conversation with me three days before she scattered.

The dark red school building did indeed look magnificent from the outside, but once I entered, it was no much different from the high school I attended, though a great deal more luxurious. Well, granted, while the high school I went to was not as high-class as the Junseiwa school, it was by no means a cheap one. It was the kind of school that would take its students abroad for the school excursion, so my opinion may be a little biased.

There is something distinctly different, though: it's not the architecture, but the students. Their (visual) quality is far higher than what I'm used to for starters, but there is also something different in the way they greet each other whenever Kawai-san walks into a fellow student. The students that pass us may give me curious looks, but they don't ask any questions. I don't know whether that is because of their composed nature or because I'm with Kawai-san.

The rooftop almost looks like a sidewalk café with the fashionable tables and chairs that have been installed there. Because of what happened to Reina, I assume, nobody is using it at the moment. The fence around the area has been built rather high due to the many visitors this place has; it's impossible to fall from the rooftop by accident, unless the fence happens to be damaged.

I look down through the fence and find the white outlines of a person.

"...This is where Reina fell?"

"Where she is said to have fallen," Kawai-san corrects.

"Quite high."

There are four floors below us. When adding the 2 meters of the fence, this makes about 20 meters.

"But not high enough to commit certain suicide. Also, it's possible to get caught up in the tree over there."

Unable to get my point, Kawai-san cocks her head.

Suicide. If Reina genuinely planned to commit suicide, then she would not choose a place like this per se. She would choose a place that offers certain death and does not bother anyone. Jumping to death requires courage—it makes no sense to increase the difficulty by choosing this building.

Or did she perhaps want somebody to notice her and step in? Did she feel special about this school? ... No, I doubt Reina is a person who thinks like that.

There is thus every indication that there is a meaning in her decision to scatter here.

"Metaphorically,"

And it might be found in—

—the way she made everyone believe that she is dead.

I look around and then again at the white outlines.

"...But I'm fairly sure that there was an actual corpse," I claim as I keep my gaze fixed on the chalk outline.

"I wasn't there, so I can't say anything."

"Even if the people who said that Reina jumped off the rooftop are liars, it should be safe to assume that there was a body."

"Why?"

"Just one more thing: Am I right my assumption that the pathway the chalk outline is drawn on is not unused?"

"I suppose so. Not that frequently, but people do use it."

"See? If everything were a lie and there were no body, then the people using the passage would become suspicious. The liars can't do anything about that."

"Reina-san might have jumped when no one was down there ... I mean ... they could say that."

"That's a good point, but keep in mind that this rooftop is visible from many places. See the windows in the other school building? That means that somebody might show up who can testify that nobody has jumped down from here at that time."

"Maybe there is somebody like that, but she is just keeping it to herself?"

"Even though it's about the death of Reina Kamisu, the 'absolute rule' here?"

I was sure that Kawai-san would be at a loss for words, but her response was swift:

"You are right. It might be safe to think that there was a corpse or something to the same effect."

"..."

She admitted it just so.

This is a strange feeling. I feel like I am trying to beat clouds with a bat, like this discussion has no substance whatsoever. Kawai-san is only passively listening to my opinion.

That's odd. She is supposed to be just as interested in Reina's death as I am, but then why does she not reason together with me? There's no way she doesn't care—

—No, perhaps she really doesn't care.

Kawai-san does not assume that Reina is alive. Kawai-san is certain that Reina is alive.

Reina's death is nothing but a silly lie to her.

My opinion is therefore of no interest to her. I can say what I want, she has made up her mind.

My opinion doesn't matter.

—doesn't matter.

"...Kawai-san. You are convinced that Reina is alive, right?"

"Yes," she nods without hesitation.

"I'm here to find proof for that, but your conviction will not change either way. Is that correct?"

"Yes."

"Then why did you lead me here today? Why did you put yourself to this bother?

Kawai-san replies as if it's nothing: "How could I say no when you're Reina's brother?"

Aah—

So that's what it boils down to.

That's all there is.

I'm just an extra.

All that is ever asked of me is to be Reina's extra.

She is not looking at me.

She is not looking at me, either.

"...Let me ask you a question: If Reina killed someone or had someone killed in order to feign her death, would you still admire her?"

Even though it's a question that should leave her speechless, Kawai-san doesn't require a second of thought:

"Of course!" she instantly replies. "Did I forget to mention it? Reina-san was absolute to us. Things like—"

"I know!"

Sensing that I'm irritated, she falls silent and gives me a suspicious look.

No, that look isn't for me. It's for Reina Kamisu's brother. She is looking right through me, at Reina Kamisu.

This makes me sick.

This. Makes. Me. Sick.

"We're done here," I say and walk toward the exit without looking at her.

"...Is something wrong...?"

While hearing these slightly worried words behind me, I enter the school building. Kawai-san follows me, though a bit nervously, as I walk down the stairs, get back into my shoes and leave the school building. I then walk to the chalk outline-

"—Jesus...!"

Why do I let it get to my head so easily? Haven't I gotten used to it by now? With Reina beside me, everyone looks only at her and ignores me. It's always been like this. Father, mother, Sakairi-san, the other house keepers, my teachers, my friends, my lovers ... they do not see me. They only see the Reina Kamisu behind me. They only see Reina Kamisu, the impersonation of absolute beauty. The faint light that I am disappears amidst the dazzling, huge light that she is. Oh, haven't I gotten used it? What is there to be sour about? Nothing has changed. The only thing that changed is that—

Is that—

"———"

"...What's wrong?" Kawai-san asks. "Did I offend you?"

"—Reina's not here anymore."

"...Huh?"

"No more ... Reina is no more, and yet, nobody sees me...?"

"...Dear brother?"

We arrive at the chalk outline.

Welcome to the magic show! Hop inside the line and you will disappear! One, two, three, and Reina is gone! And even though she is gone, even though she has disappeared socially and physically, we are still occupied with her.

I've finally found the answer.

Why do I believe that Reina's alive?

Of course, part of the reason has to do with that conversation we had. But that's not all. Another significant reason—the real one—is that nothing has changed around me. Everyone is still exclusively looking at Reina. Nobody is looking at me still. Because of that, I'm unable to feel losing Reina.

Everyone is looking at a void, claiming it's Reina, and ignoring me. Even though I'm the one who's still alive.

Everyone leaves me alone.

Alone?

"———"

I see ... We are much alike, Reina and I.

We are truly brother and sister. Kindred spirits.

I was alone. Nobody saw me because of Reina. With someone far more valuable by my side, nobody saw my value.

But Reina was just as alone. We did not see Reina. We only saw her value.

As a result, Reina and I lost interest in our blind social environment and with it our sympathy.

That's why we only associated with others superficially.

We're truly alike.

However, I tried to resist. I dated girls, made friends and enrolled at a shitty university, in the hope that somebody would understand me. Even now.

But Reina took another path. She created a personality that was perfect enough to leave no room for others to approach her, and distanced herself from us.

Why did Reina disappear?

It's as simple as it gets.

Reina dissociated herself even more from us.

That's why—Reina scattered.

"Kawai-san."

"Yes...?"

"Can you step inside that chalk line?"

"If ... you insist...?"

There's nothing special about this patch of earth. There's no land mine hidden underneath. The white line simply signifies that a human person died here. There aren't even any traces of blood left. If not for the outline, people would walk over it without a second thought.

However, right now you can't do it without any instinctive scruples.

Reina had drawn a line, too. A line she wanted us to respect and keep out from. It was nothing more than a mark that people could easily cross like this chalk outline here, but she did signalize that she didn't want us to.

Reina was admired by everyone, but she was not loved by anyone.

And I'm sure that's what she wanted.

This girl here, Sakura Kawai, however, is clearly crossing that line. She is clearly crossing the no entry line Reina has drawn. She, and the whole rest of her bunch. They defiled Reina's sanctuary and left behind countless footprints.

—I don't think Reina would forgive that.

"I don't know what Reina wanted to achieve by scattering, but I do know the cause."

This time, my words manage to make her eyes widen.

"What is it...?"

"The cause is—"

—Why did Reina have to commit suicide at this school of all places?

"—you and your friends."

===4===

Misfortunes never come singly.

Somebody might fail his entrance exam. That's the first misfortune, but the chain goes on.

After he fails his exam, he might find himself disillusioned with his skills. He loses hope in himself. He becomes depressive. That in turn makes him unappealing and causes his girlfriend to dump him. He starts to think that nobody likes him, and as a result, it becomes the truth. He loses hope in everyone. He despairs. He wants to vanish. He begins to think about dying. He decides to commit suicide. He jumps into a rolling train and dies. And that's it. Bad end. The story is over.

But the misfortune goes on. The chain has not been broken.

The station staff who had to tidy the place of the human shreds might not be able to bear up with the repulsion and quit his job. If he loses his income, he might get into conflict with his family and end up divorcing. A passenger might suffer trauma from witnessing the gruesome scene of blood and guts getting flung through the air. He might not be able to eat his loved meat anymore. The family of the victim might plunge into debts because they can't come up with the money for the damages. They might end up hanging themselves in fear of the violent debt-collectors. And the chain of misfortune continues in some way for them.

Like this, a misfortune spawns another one. Because unlike fiction, reality does not end. It's an endless misfortune.

Likewise, Reina's scattering is not the end.

The misfortune Reina created goes on.

"Go to my room when the time comes."

Quite frankly, I had no clue what "time" she was talking about. I actually went there when she died, thinking it might be the "time", and a few times after that.

However, whenever I went there, I found nothing of import and had to leave empty-handed.

But now I'm certain.

The "time" is now.

It's now that Sakura Kawai and her friends jumped to death.

I open the door to Reina's room. The setting sun is shining through the window, dyeing the simple and somewhat lifeless room in the colors of twilight.

Yeah, I was right. The time is now.

As I look at the most lifeless thing in this lifeless room, I open my mouth to speak up:

"Reina."

"It is a pleasure to see you again, Ryoji-san," she smile beautifully.

Reina is standing in front of the window and leaning against the frame. Illuminated by the setting sun, she does not only look stunningly beautiful, but also turns her onlookers contemplative like a magnificent painting. Aah ... I can't shake off these thoughts even though I know it is what drove her away.

"You're ... alive?"

I'm hardly surprised.

Even after I noticed why she didn't feel dead to me, I found myself unable to believe her death.

Yes, from a realistic viewpoint someone was burnt to ashes and these ashes can't belong to anyone else but Reina, but it is Reina we are talking about.

I did find out why she wanted to distance herself from us, but I didn't find out why she would commit suicide. As a result, I still considered it possible that she was alive.

"Yes, I am alive. Although perhaps only metaphorically," Reina answers with a smile.

I now understand the meaning behind her words.

I take a deep breath and inquire: "Reina ... was it you?"

Reina gives no answer and keeps smiling.

"Did Kawai-san and the others become an annoyance to you?"

"Why, not at all."

Well, is she telling the truth? Or has Reina lost the ability to discern between what's true and what's for show after wearing a mask for so long?

However, it's apparent that Reina was involved in their suicide, be it directly or indirectly. It was her will.

I have no means of telling what is going on in Reina's head. More precisely, not once in my entire life have I ever understood her. Her goal is incomprehensible to a commoner like me.

There is only one fact I know:

Reina killed Kawai-san and her group.

But what about me? What happens to me? I'm also one of Reina's marionettes, just like Kawai-san, and it's clear at which occasion she programmed me.

"Tell me, Reina, why did you talk to me about your death?"

"...Are you sure that you want to know?"

"Of course."

Reina peers into my eyes.

"Your eyes have changed a little, Ryoji-san."

"...You think so?"

"Yes ... I think I can tell you now. I wanted you to become aware, Ryoji-san."

"Aware of what?"

"Of yourself. Of your own value."

"Of my own value...?"

I don't understand. Well, I do understand what she means, but I don't get why Reina would care.

"Hey, I know what I'm worth. I will have no success and I will not be of use to anyone, just like a wayside stone," I say with conviction, but Reina shakes her head.

"You were so unfortunate as to be rated in comparison to me. My value was of a far too apparent kind. The comparison between us must have deranged your sense of self-worth."

"That would happen to anyone in this position, Reina."

"Then why did you not simply stop comparing yourself with me?"

I falter for a moment but then counter, "I would've done that if possible. But as a matter of fact, you were there and the comparison was unavoidable. I was always in the position to be compared with you and you were always twice as good as me. In anyone's eyes. And so nobody cared about me. Nobody looked at me. And I stopped caring about others. All that was inevitable with you as my sister."

"Even now?"

"Yes, even ... now—"

Even now that Reina is no longer here?

"...Wait, we're digressing! I didn't ask about myself, but about the reason why you approached me!"

"No, we are not digressing, Ryoji-san. What did you do after I told you about my death?"

"What I did? Well, I pondered about the meaning of your words and started to have doubts in your death."

"And then you discovered that our conversation was not the only reason to harbor doubts, therefore you started investigating?"

"...Yeah..."

"And then you noticed that everyone is still occupied with me even though I have vanished, which in turn led you to the answer to why you were really doubting my death."

Reina's words are so spot-on that I'm left speechless.

"And you are starting to realize that you do not need to feel alone anymore, now that I am gone."

"No, that's not true ... everyone is still only looking at you!"

"But it is a void they are looking at."

"..."

"And the one who is peering into this void harder than anyone is no one else but you, Ryoji-san."

"...What?" I ask in response to her unexpected statement with my glance fixed upon her.

However, Reina does naturally not answer my glance.

Reina is smiling.

"If I had not approached you before my death, you would have never even thought about stopping to concern yourself with me."

I always thought that nobody was looking at me. That all the attention I was supposed to get waS sucked toward Reina like by a black hole. That nobody knew me. That I was just there.

But Reina is saying that the same applied to myself.

She is saying that my attention was sucked toward her as well.

She is saying that not even I saw myself.

"..."

Is Reina Kamisu really dead? I used to think, and I noticed that the reason for these doubts was to be found in that conversation and the lack of change in my environment.

But is that really all?

Probably not. I was probably scared.

Scared that my environment might not change even after Reina's disappearance—no, I was scared that my environment might still feel to me as though it had not changed after Reina's disappearance.

If Reina was still alive somewhere, then there was nothing strange about feeling that nothing had changed. Everything was the same. Of course, people would still not look at me.

Because of that, Reina had to be still alive.

And that's how I disregarded myself.

"—I am afraid that it is time to say goodbye," Reina says with a smile after waiting for me to arrive at the conclusion.

"Where are you going, Reina...?"

Reina just keeps smiling.

I will never see her again. Of that I'm sure.

My loneliness will be fading from now on.

Reina, however, will stay alone.

"...Reina," I say as I gaze at her. But still, she doesn't answer my look. She gazes elsewhere, somewhere far away yet nowhere.

—And here she scatters.

I blinked my eyes, and a moment later, Reina was gone.

How? I don't know. Reina disappeared. She scattered. She is not here anymore.

Reina is no longer in this twilit room.

At last, I discovered myself.

Finally, I obtained the ability to associate with others.

And so I let something out that I had held in for a long time.

I cried for Reina.

<noinclude>
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|-
| Back to [[Kamisu Reina:Volume 2 Yukimi Mitsui|Chapter 1]]
| Return to [[Kamisu Reina Series|Main Page]]
| Forward to [[Kamisu Reina:Volume 2 Sakura Kawai|Chapter 3]]
|-
|}
</noinclude>

Kamisu Reina:Volume 2 Sakura Kawai

2019-04-09T04:39:24Z

SighingSlider: /* 1 */

==Chapter 3: Sakura Kawai==

===1===

The thought of how thin the ice was I have always stood on until now makes my skin crawl. I have been wiggling left and right like a balancing toy, prone to leaning over—or falling over—any time.

Japanese religion counts thousands of gods.

But doesn't that just mean that people could not decide on a single one? The god you cherish can't be the same as mine, and the god he cherishes can't be the same as yours. In other words, we all consider different things important.

There is no such thing as an universal god.

In other words, there is no god.

If you are able to look at things in a somewhat objective light and look at the state nowadays, then you will see: It is foolish to believe in something.

What people ultimately believe in are tangible things. Money. Because money is much more certain than intangible things like love and friendship. People believe in money, the inorganic, equivalent and quickly betraying thing that gets stained with finger marks in people's pockets and created day by day by human hands at the bank.

It's filthy in a way.

And yet, I knew that nothing could help me better than money, and that I could even buy love and friendship if I used it the right way. In the end, I believed in money in every respect. On one side, those old, wrinkled banknotes that came and went to and from my pocket were dear to me, and the other side, I felt filthy and ended up in despair.

Ultimately, in my world there was nothing to believe in, nothing to hold on to.

I wanted to believe in something beautiful, something pure.

However, there was no such thing no matter where I searched and even if I tried to believe in something, I couldn't shake off my doubts. I ended up trembling in fear of falling.

But that time has ended.

[Plink]

Whenever I think of what creates and defines my foothold, the "Heroic Polonaise" starts to play in my mind. This transparent and vacant and false and mechanic yet transcendental melody is my guide to a steadfast world.

If I were to describe it as an image, then it would be a lake with water so transparent that I forget that there is water.

What I believe in?

—Reina Kamisu.

I do therefore not forgive people who deny her.

But because everybody knows how beautiful and splendid she is, I did not have to deal with such a person. It was unthinkable that someone would deny her.

However—

Yukimi Mitsui appeared and denied Reina-san.

Enemy! She was my enemy! She was the enemy of us who believe in Reina-san!

I could not let her get away with this. Never.

Denying Reina-san is equivalent to destroying my foothold, to putting me back on thin ice. I could not allow that. What right did she have? "Who do you think you are?" I thought and actually asked her.

However, she ignored my warning and chose to remain my foe. Her attitude was a clear message of enmity to me and the other believers.

Yeah, you have got some nerve. I'll fight you back, then.

I told the members of the student council, which was constructed of students who also believed in Reina-san, about Yukimi Mitsui. That was enough to arrange her removal from the Junseiwa school. This place is full of people believing in Reina-san, who also consider anyone who denies her their enemy.

I was satisfied.

After I had launched a devastating attack at my foe, I was already satisfied.

I was forgetful.

A baited cat may grow as fierce as a lion

Yes, satisfied with making an attack, I forgot to keep my guard up.

Blood.

When I returned to my room at the dorm, my roommate Anna Fuyuki was lying in her own blood in the shower room.

For a few moments I was overwhelmed. Absent-mindedly I gazed at the blood flowing down the drain, at the razor blade, at Anna's naked body as water showered on her, at her left wrist and the straight cut, at the blood spilling from there, and finally I screamed, "Anna!" as I rushed to her and held her.

Brr!

Anna has been taking an ice-cold shower, but that is hardly the only reason why she's so cold. Red blood. Milky skin. Blue lips.

Aah, what should I do? I-I must stop the blood ... B-But warming her body comes first. And I have to call the ambulance. Aah, where to start? Why did this happen, anyway?

Only after I take a deep breath it occurs to me that I should stop the shower.

"...Sakura," Anna mutters.

"Why did you do this...?"

"...Sorry for ... troubling you," she says without answering my question. There's no need for her to apologize!

I shake my head and dash out of the room with a "wait a second!" I can't cope with this alone. I need help. After I fetch Yuuko Kasuga and Emi Tachibana from the neighboring room, I have Yuuko bind up Anna's wound because she aspires to become a doctor. In the meantime, Emi calls the ambulance and informs the head of the dorm, whereas I wipe Anna with a towel, put her underwear on, and wrap a blanket around her.

"I'm so sorry..." she keeps apologizing while we are helping her.

To my relief, the flow of blood stops surprisingly easily. "It's not deep," Yuuko whispers into my ear.

"I'm sorry ... I'm so sorry ... I didn't mean to trouble you!" Anna cries.

I shake my head a few times.

Anna, why do you keep apologizing? Didn't you just cut yourself impulsively because something hurt you? Then why—

"———"

A thought suddenly crosses my mind.

The cut is not deep according to Yuuko, but when I found Anna, she was bleeding profusely.

Most likely, she had cut her wrist moments before I arrived at our room.

No ... considering how hard she is apologizing, something else suggests itself.

Anna cut her wrist in the very moment I arrived here.

We have been living here for over a year; I think I know Anna fairly well. I know about her family problems and the fact that she's so weak as to cut her wrists, and I also know that she's so weak as to be afraid of dying.

Self-harm is a little different from attempted suicide because the scars are made for others to see. They're a message to the world that screams "look how much I'm suffering!" Then who did Anna want to send this message to?

The answer is quite obvious: to me.

Anna is weak.

She does not believe in her own strength, she undervalues herself, and because of that, she is dependent on others. She thinks she can't solve her problems on her own.

Anna wanted to show her suffering to me. She wanted me to save her.

"I'm sorry ... I'm so sorry..."

As she keeps weeping, I give her a hug.

"Sakura...?"

"It's okay, don't worry!"

We have a savior.

We have Reina-san.

After a short while, the ambulance arrived (of course we made sure that Anna wore her clothes at this point). I got into the coach together with her and kept holding her hand on our way to the hospital. By the time we arrived, her hand had turned a little warmer than it initially was.

Since the blood flow had already stopped, there was no need for a blood transfusion. The treatment of her wound didn't take too long; I sat next to her and watched as the doctor scolded her, saying "Don't do this again," and proceeded to disinfecting her wound and binding it up. As a side-note, her parents didn't come. I don't know if they were even contacted, though.

After we left the hospital, I took her to a café that serves delicious black tea. I figured that we would end up getting home a bit late, but I was sure the chief of our dorm wouldn't sound us out after what had happened.

I ordered Darjeeling tea, Anna ordered apple tea. We both kept quiet while we were waiting for our tea to be served.

During that time, I sneaked a few peeks at the bandage around Anna's left wrist.

The cut may have been not that deep, but considering the amount of blood that spilled, this is going to leave a scar.

I wonder if Anna is even aware of the graveness of that scar?

There is only one reason for a scar in a place like this. As soon as someone sees it, that someone will immediately look at her in a different light.

...No, that's still a minor issue.

The one who should not look at this scar the most is—Anna herself.

No matter how happy her life, she will always have this scar with her. And whenever she looks at her wrist, it will remind her of the moment she cut herself. She will become anxious again. She will have to face her family issues and the actual reason that led to the self-harm over and over.

　They say that with every sigh you lose a bit of your happiness, which I can fully understand. After all, if you think you're unhappy, then you will inevitably turn unhappy regardless of your actual situation. Once you persuade yourself of your own misery, you will blame everything on it. Met with an accident? Because you're hapless. Got dumped by your lover? Because you're hapless. Lost in that lottery? Because you're hapless. Tripped? Because you're hapless. Your haplessness becomes the source for everything, even though there might be valid other reasons. Thing that you would originally not even care about feel like mishaps. And since you think it's your fate, you keep falling down into misery for the rest of your life.

In this sense, Anna's scar is a much clearer sign of "misery" than a sigh, and as such, a much stronger curse that attracts misery.

Our tea arrives. I use this as a sign to start a conversation.

"Anna, what's wrong?"

She ponders for a moment and, for some reason, eventually decides to shake her head.

"It's ... nothing."

"Of course there's something."

"No ... as I once told you, living is painful to me, Sakura. It hurts so much to live. This feeling has been growing for a while now and simply reached the limit."

Is she lying? No. I can read as much off her face.

However—

"But there has to be something that triggered it. You wouldn't cut your wrist without a reason."

I am sure of that. Otherwise, there would be no point in harming herself in front of me.

My remark was correct, apparently: Anna casts her eyes down.

"Come, Anna, tell me about it."

However, Anna hesitates long enough for me to finish my Darjeeling tea, and yet she subconsciously wants to say it. She is not faltering, she is just hesitating. I'm starting to get annoyed.

In the next moment, however, my annoyance is blown away.

"I can no longer be by Reina-san's side."

"Huh?"

In utter surprise, I forget to place my tea cup back on the table.

"Reina-san rejected me."

What is the meaning of this...?

Reina-san rejected Anna?

That's not possible. Reina-san does not make exceptions when associating with people. If she would reject someone, then because—

"Anna ... did you perhaps confess your love...?"

"...I did," she nods with tears in her eyes.

Yes. If Reina-san were to reject someone, then because that someone approached her up to that distance.

"Why would you do that?! Reina-san cannot be degraded to a love interest. I can understand the urge to have her all for yourself, but why would you betray us and risk to be rejected by—"

Suddenly, it clicks with me.

Anna would not do something like this of her own accord. That's just not her personality. She would never take a risk so big as to cut her wrists while knowing that she hardly has any chances.

Then why...? Why did Anna confess to Reina-san?

"———"

Ah, of course.

"...Who threatened you, Anna?"

Her tear-stained eyes widen.

"You weren't just talked into it, right? You're the type of girl who would keep some distance if the other girls joked about 'confessing to Reina-san.'"

"..."

"Who was it that threatened you?"

"..."

Anna does not answer. She must have been told to keep quiet about it. Or perhaps she's just afraid of angering the culprit.

Considering her gentle nature, she might just want to avoid hurting that person.

After all, I'm not willing to forgive the culprit.

It goes without saying how deep the sin and how severe the punishment of taking Reina-san from one of us is.

A world without Reina-san ... Aah, just picturing it to myself makes me feel as if I was drying up from the inside.

Because the liquid that is Reina-san is drawn out of my body...?

Indeed ... as a matter of fact, Anna did also lose her own red liquid.

That's the horrible thing the culprit did to Anna.

I will kill her.

I will kill that culprit!

"Who was it, Anna?" I ask again.

"..."

"You have to tell me; she made you cut your wrist!"

"...But..."

"No buts!"

"...I mean..."

"...Fine. I'll just have a guess."

There are only so many suspects. Firstly, it can't be one of "us." Apart from the fact that "we" understand the pain of losing Reina-san, we would choose another method even if we wanted to bully Anna because there was a chance that she would succeed. Then again ... Anna is not a person with many enemies. In fact, I don't know of anyone who dislikes her.

That means that the culprit is not set against Anna herself, but "us" as a group.

—A person who is hostile against "us"?

I know one. I know someone who fits the bill perfectly.

"Yukimi Mitsui."

From the expression on Anna's face I can read that I am right.

So it was she, eh?

That scumbag who made fun of Reina-san, eh? So after insulting Reina-san, so even hurt my weak Anna?

I'll kill her.

I'm gonna kill her!

I resolved to eliminate Yukimi Mitsui from the Junseiwa school.

There is no doubt that it was she who cornered Anna. A few other students witnessed how she took Anna somewhere (and I'm shocked that they did not step in to help her).

I purchased our weapons through the Internet and drilled down her personal information. As most of the students at this school, her family environment turned out to be very peculiar. This piece of information will be useful to torment her.

Together with Yuuko, Emi, and other students who loathed Yukimi Mitsui for what she did to Anna, I proceeded to executing the elimination plan. We will show no mercy to our enemy. It is important to choose your friends and foes wisely, especially at our age where we are still weak by ourselves. If you show mercy to your enemy, you will end up suffering yourself. Anna did not take part in the elimination. Poor thing. That's why she has to suffer!

After school, we first make sure that Reina-san isn't around and then march into Yuki Mitsui's classroom. The disquieting air about us causes the other senior students, who are still present, to look at us, but because Yukimi Mitsui is the center of trouble, they don't intervene.

"What is it?" she asks snappily. "What does the bunch of you want from me?"

I ignore her barking and press my stun gun against her side.

"Ugha!"

She sinks into a crouch.

"Hmm? What was that strange screech about?" I smirk and, as I look down at Yukimi Mitsui, who is holding her side, I command, "Senpai, mind tagging along with me"

She looks up at me with—haha!—fear written all over her face.

"...Where?"

"Just shut up and follow me, okay?"

She didn't dare to resist or escape. Quite satisfied by that, we walk to the back of the gym.

Once we arrive at our destination, I order my companions to keep watch and turn to Yukimi Mitsui, who is clearly intimidated by us (although she is still trying to look brave), with a scowl.

"So I heard what you did."

"...Did what?"

"Want to play dumb? Remember what you did to Anna Fuyuki?"

She screws up her face and averts her eyes without a word of denial.

"You think you're funny, huh?"

I proceed to corner her with the information I gathered, the weapons I bought, and piercing words. Even she could not help losing heart. But my anger hasn't been vented yet. I kick her in the stomach. It's not enough. I haven't vented on her enough. She made fun of Reina-san, she made fun of "us", and she hassled Anna. I can't forgive her. She hurt "us". I won't forgive her.

And yet...

"My head."

"Hah?"

"That's where I want the first blow! Why don't you beat my head?"

Despite the situation she is in, she started to provoke me.

She completely blew my fuses. That just burned a few of the wires in my head. This girl is playing me for a fool, thinking that I won't really beat her. She is belittling me, thinking that I'm just a tag-along who's clinging to Reina-san. She is looking down on me. She thinks I'm a dependent piece of shit. Don't you think you can make a fool of me! I'll show you what I'm capable of! I'll eliminate you not only from this school, but from this very world that Reina-san lives in!

I raise my club.

"What are you doing there?"

All of a sudden, Reina-san's voice reaches my ears.

I lower my club again. Yukimi Mitsui seems to be just as surprised as I am. It's unlikely that she called her.

"Reina-san?"

"I am very discomforted by this sight. There will be consequences if you beat someone with that thing."

"No, it's OK! It doesn't matter what happens to her! She's making fun of us! More importantly, she's making fun of you, Reina-san! That's unforgivable!"

However, Reina-san calmly brushes off my yell and counters, "If you are doing all this for my sake, then I wish you to stop. I am not angry at Mitsui-san."

"That's ... because you're kind, Reina-san..."

"Please stop," she says in a slightly insistent tone. It might really be just slightly in all objectivity, but this is the strongest expression of intent in Reina-san's scale.

Why would she stop me? Yukimi Mitsui is a jerk who even tormented Anna and—

"—Ah."

I look at Reina-san.

I see ... she knows everything. Of course, I'm mad at Yukimi Mitsui for making light of Reina-san.

However, I only went this far—or at least I only thought of murder—not because of Reina-san, but because of Anna.

I was about to use Reina-san as a pretext for avenging Anna .

As such, she has all the right to stop me. She would never approve of being an excuse for taking revenge on somebody. No, her word is absolute to us either way.

"...OK..."

So I have to obey.

We gave up on using violence on Yukimi Mitsui and walked away from the gym. Since I was disheartened by Reina-san's clear denial of my actions and the others were aware of that, we exchanged no words for a while.

We then called it a day. Only my neighbors, Yuuko and Emi, stayed with me.

"Was that really okay?" Yuuko asks.

"...Nothing we could do, was there? We can't just disobey Reina-san!"

"No, that's not what I mean."

"Huh?"

"I was just wondering if it was okay to leave Reina-san alone with Yukimi Mitsui."

I immediately returned to the back of the gym, but they had already left. I headed to the school building.

Yukimi Mitsui must not be underestimated. She can be very belligerent, and on top of that she must be irritated because of what we did to her. God knows what she's going to do to Reina-san, the person who symbolizes "us."

Needless to say, harming Reina-san is on a whole different level compared to harming Anna.

But Yukimi Mitsui might have turned desperate and plan to soil our symbol.

I run around on the school grounds back and forth, and at last, find Reina-san in the corridor where the second music room is located.

"Reina-san!"

She turns around to me. At a glance, it doesn't seem like she was hurt in any way.

"Kawai-san?"

"Are you all right? Did Yukimi Mitsui do anything to you?"

"Mitsui-san?" she asks and then smiles. "It seems that you have a false picture of Mitsui-san. She is not the kind of person who would do anything to me."

"I don't have a false picture of her. But ... are you really unhurt?"

"Yes, of course."

I let out a sigh of relief. Apparently, my fears were ungrounded this time.

Reina-san gives me a wry smile.

Suddenly, I feel horribly embarrassed as I recall that she has willfully denied my actions earlier.

However, her next words blow me away.

"You have come at the correct time. I was searching for you."

"What?!"

Me? Reina-san was searching for me?

"Is there anything I can help you with?"

Reina-san nods with a smile.

"There is something I wanted to tell you."

"Ah ... I feel honored."

"You are exaggerating."

As if!

"What is it that you wanted to tell me, if I may ask?"

With an ever-so-beautiful smile, she said:

"Please take good care of Reina Kamisu."


Ten minutes later Reina-san died.

===2===

I picture Reina Kamisu to myself.

Above all she is beautiful. It's as if she was perfection given form. No, you could even say that she is perfection.

She is water so pure and transparent that you can't tell where it starts. I tasted from this pure water and had my life saved by it. A human body consists to 70 percent of water. In other words, 70 percent of my body consists already of Reina-san.

The water that is Reina-san is becoming clouded? The foothold is collapsing?

Impossible.

The conclusion that can be drawn is simple.

Reina Kamisu is not dead.

"Reina Kamisu isn't dead!"

Yukimi Mitsui said so.

Even the girl that I considered my enemy said so.

She also claimed herself as a subordinate of Reina Kamisu.

Quite frankly, I underestimated Reina-san's excellence.

I was under the impression that by being with her I was able to increase her value to some extent. Of course, I was completely wrong! Reina-san had no problems showing her splendor to its best advantage even in places that are outside my circle of influence.

Therefore, it's perfectly possible that plans for feigning her death came to be without my knowing.

How they did it?

I don't care. The only thing that matters is the fact that she's alive.

Besides ... would Reina-san even need any realistic means for something as minor as feigning her death?

Of course not.

Reina-san can overcome even death.

I met Reina-san's brother, Ryoji-san. He has also noticed that she's still alive. That makes him the third one of us and proves that it's an undeniable fact that Reina-san's alive.

On his request, I showed him around in school. He acted a bit strange here and there, but he also said this to me:

"I don't know what Reina wanted to achieve by scattering, but I do know the cause."

"What is it...?"

"The cause is—you and your friends."

I was confused at first.

What is the meaning of this? It was us who made her scatter? Has her brother perhaps gotten to this conclusion by talking to me?

Reina-san scattered because of ... us?

No, Reina-san scattered for us.

Which means...?

Right, Reina-san feigned her death for us.

I see. That would explain why she chose to feign her death at this school. It was all for our sake. Reina-san is trying to save us hopeless lambs.

Right, we are hopeless.

Anna, for example, suffers because of her family problems. I, for example, am unable to see anything but a dark, dull future. Because there is no god in this world, there is nothing to depend on and there is no hope for us.

That doesn't make sense!

This system is way too unbalanced. Too unfair. Too absurd. How is that OK? Everything's a lie except for the things that hurt? That's cruel!

Therefore, Reina-san can't be dead.

No, she can't be dead.

She can't be dead.

She's alive.

A-L-I-V-E.

I will kill everyone who dares to claim that she's dead in front of me. Because they're too stupid to be kept alive. Why do these ugly maggots even breathe even though they are blinded by commons sense, even though they believe in nothing but money!

Reina-san simply disappeared somewhere because of some reason.

"Please take good care of Reina Kamisu."


The meaning of her last words starts to dawn on me.

She entrusted me with a task.

What task?

To preserve her place for when she appears again.

Reina-san is not dead, but only very few are aware of it. At this time, it's only Yukimi Mitsui, her brother and me. There may be more, but the number stays small. Moreover, there must be people who have doubts about the lie that is Reina-san's death, but they are lacking evidence.

However, it's true that the lie she spread is very cunning. So cunning, in fact, that the lie will become true once everyone starts to believe it. I don't want to state the obvious, but the dead can't coexist with the living. Dead people lose their relation to the living.

Reina-san will come back, but I feel that her return is bound to certain conditions.

After all, Reina-san is trying to save us. Salvation does not come to people who don't believe in salvation. Therefore, those who forgot her, those who lost faith in her will not be saved. There is no reason for her to appear in a place where she has been forgotten, in a place that is outside the range of her salvation.

It means that I have to make sure she has a place to return to.

In order to meet Reina-san—in order to meet again her again—I have to keep her place unoccupied.

I see! This is a trial.

A trial to test my faith in Reina-san.

As a way to arrange a place for Reina-san, I chose to take advantage of my position as the president of the student council. I asked the teachers to let me have a speech at the monthly assembly and received permission.

The day of the assembly arrived in no time. Through the microphone the teacher who presided over the assembly says, "The president of the student council would like to take the floor." Following his announcement, I climb on the stage and encounter almost five hundred faces, some of which are older than me, some of which are the same age, and some of which are younger than me. Most of their gazes are directed at me. I've gotten used to this sight. After receiving the sign, I, the teachers and the nearly five hundred students bow to each other.

I survey the audience.

Nearly five hundred people. This is hardly anything when comparing it to the numbers used by the mass media, but it's quite an overwhelming sight nevertheless. Is it really in my power to reach their hearts and project Reina-san into them? I don't want to admit it, but Yukimi Mitsui was right when she remarked that my charisma has dwindled. The weight of my words depends on whether or not Reina-san is present. Is it really in my power to show them the right path?

Don't falter! The more numerous the audience, the better. I don't need to convince all of them. I only need enough of them to create a place for Reina-san.

I open my dry mouth:

"Good morning, my dear schoolmates. My name is Sakura Kawai and today I would like to address Reina Kamisu's suicide."

Their gazes focus on me as I address the hottest topic at school. Everyone knows that I took on the position as president of the student council from Reina-san, and that I was her primary servant. They must be fairly curious about what I have to say about this subject.

"As you all know, Reina Kamisu was a special student. I am certain that I do not need to lose any words on how special she was. As such, many among you must still be confused by the sad news of her death. Many among you must still be mourning for her. I was one of them, too."

The students who noticed that I used past tense start to whisper to each other. Not a week has passed since Reina-san throw herself from the rooftop; in normal circumstances it would be impossible for me, her primary servant, to overcome the sadness of losing her.

"However—"

As expected, the majority of the students are all ears for my words. I deliberately choose to provoke them.

"—Let me be frank. Only a fool would be sad about her death."

My words create a general stir.

The students start to exchange glances and the teachers become alarmed. I don't mind if they stop me in the worst case, as long as I can communicate the important things. I only need to get their attention. Some of them will be curious enough to approach me of their own to hear the rest, and I will tell them. My thrilling ideas will soak through them and then automatically spread among the rest of the students.

My network is extensive enough to pull this off, even without Reina-san.

"Why is it foolish? Before I answer this question, let me read your mind."

I feel almost all of their five hundred gazes on me. Excellent.

"Certainly, you were all shocked by her suicide. You are bewildered and you are sad. But above all, do you not have a 'fuzzy feeling' in your chests? Do you not feel that something is wrong?"

As I stand on the stage, I discover a few students who nodded.

"I know what that 'fuzzy feeling' is. Let me get straight to the resolution: you have this feeling because you think that Reina Kamisu might still be alive."

My words create yet another stir.

"Please do not misunderstand me: I mean it quite literally, not in the clichéd sense of her living on in our hearts. Her metabolism is still intact. You may say this is absurd, but then answer me: Can you deny it with all honesty? Can you really say for sure that Reina Kamisu is dead?"

To be frank, I'm only spitting nonsense. A fuzzy feeling? Well, of course they have that feeling! After all, Reina Kamisu, the person who occupied a large part of their hearts, died (they think) from one day to the next without a reason! How could they not have ruffled feelings about it?

However, the ones who fell for it and bought my explanation for their fuzzy feeling will think that everything I said might be true.

Some of them might naturally see through my trick, but can they deny my words with certainty? Can they pass on the compelling thought that Reina Kamisu might still be alive, just to deny what I said? Can they thrust the ones who got their hopes up back into the abyss of despair, even if they were certain it's a lie?

Reina Kamisu is dead. Reina Kamisu is alive. If you had to choose one, you would choose the latter.

If both options are hard to believe, then you would choose the latter.

It's a shame that I have to trick them, but sadly, only few are able to see the truth like me. It's highly unlikely that anyone understands Reina-san like I do.

I proceed to the final blow.

"Dear colleagues, my ideas must sound absurd to you, and I am aware of that. I would laugh it off as ridiculous if I was one of you.

"But ... it is the truth.

"All of you who are laughing at my words will be laughing out of the other side of your faces next week. Why? It's simple."

Yes, I understand Reina-san.

I know the answer.

I only need to give them a glimpse of the answer.

"Because next week, on the first day of July, Reina Kamisu will come back."

My speech turned out less successful than anticipated. The majority view seemed to be that my claims were too implausible, and because this became the mainstream, the people who actually believed me could no longer openly say so.

I don't think it was wrong to hold a speech. Actually, I'm positive that it was the best choice I could make. However, it seems like the world has become too science-oriented to leave room for the thought that someone could resurrect from the dead. Damn ... aren't men the ones who are supposed to only make logic decisions? Our society makes it hard to spread correct ideas. Even psychics who clearly have some sort of power are called fakes these days.

But I don't care.

I haven't failed.

It's true that the majority are fools who are unable to question Reina-san's death, but they're only the majority.

People who believe me, who believe in Reina Kamisu, may be the minority, but they do exist.

"I also thought that Reina-san is still alive! I was relieved to hear that I wasn't the only one who thought so!"

"That 'fuzzy feeling' you mentioned was really preying on my mind. You took a huge weigh off my mind when you pointed it out to us and uncovered the truth behind it."

"Reina-san is still alive! There's no way she would die, is there?"

"I'm not entirely convinced ... but if you are so certain of it and even know when she's coming back, I want to try to believe you."

"I never believed that Reina-san was dead!"

People who said things like this appeared before me. 17 in number. Most of them were third-year students who inherently spent more time with Reina-san than the younger generation. 17 is not a large number compared to 500, but it's not so small, either, if you think of it as half a class.

Is Reina-san going to appear again even with such a small number? Though a little anxious, I decide to be optimistic.

I mean, Reina-san is much smarter than me. She must have foreseen that I would only be able to convince a small number of people even if I did my best. But most of all, the girls who believe in her "presence" are the ones who long for salvation so hard that they have no other choice but to believe in her "presence." Reina-san would never abandon them.

However, that doesn't mean that we can sit back and wait. Just thinking that Reina-san might still be alive is not going to bring about any progress.

What we need is unification. Unified prayer. We have to focus our prayers so strongly that they will reach Reina-san.

That is what has to be done to accomplish Reina-san's return.

In order to proceed to action, I told "the girls" who believe in Reina-san's "presence" to assemble at the Student Council Room after school. By the way, part of the student council, which also includes Anna, also believe in Reina-san's "presence."

It's unfortunate that I'm the only one who "knows" of Reina-san's "presence," but it's not a problem. I only have to guide "the girls" to this knowledge.

It's Thursday, the 29th of June. The first of July will be the day after tomorrow. Time is running out. I have to make sure that "the girls" will make a beeline for our goal without getting sidetracked by anything.

After we assembled at the Student Council Room, we had a long conversation. About Reina-san. About our devotion to Reina-san. About our selfless love for Reina-san. About our relation to Reina-san. About our need for Reina-san. About the importance of Reina-san. About how Reina-san feigned her death. About why Reina-san disappeared. About how Reina-san is going to affect us in the future. About how Reina-san's Reina-san is Reina-san and Reina-san can Reina-san with Reina-san to be Reina-san. Unfortunately, six of the initial seventeen members could not keep up and left our ranks, but the rest of us were able to talk about Reina-san without end. In this manner, we deepened our trust in Reina-san and synchronized with each other.

However, talking only about Reina-san does not suffice. If Reina-san were a diamond and you wanted to fascinate someone with it, you could preach about the diamond's beauty as long as you want and still achieve nothing. Fortunately, they are already fascinated by the diamond that is Reina-san, but still it doesn't suffice. "The diamond suits you!" "It makes you charming!" "You need it!" Similarly, by talking about why we need the diamond and why we have to be fascinated with it, we can strengthen our faith in Reina-san.

"Anna?"

I decide to start with Anna, the easiest target, because she's my classmate, my roommate, the secretary of the student council, and a cutter. Not only can I predict her answers, she is in dire need of Reina-san. She's also a perfect case for the others to listen to.

"Do you have those moments when you feel tired of living in this world?"

Her eyes widen as I pose an unexpected question. It's obvious how she will answer this.

While looking at the bandage on her wrist, she replies, "...All the time."

I nod as compassionately as possible. The other girls, who have been talking with each other, start to give us their attention.

"...Do you also feel like this sometimes, Sakura?"

"Sure," I answer.

"That's a little surprising."

"Do I not look like someone who would get tired of living?"

"Mhm. I mean, you're clever, flexible, and pretty. You ... are good at making your way, I guess? I thought that people like you don't think like that."

"Good at making my way ... huh? Perhaps you can say that. But what if that's exactly why I'm suffering?"

"...Huh?"

"I'm clever. I'm also popular enough to make it to the student council president, although I may have gotten backup from Reina-san. I'm know how to make my way. I'm a realist. Because of that, I was unable to believe in anything and also unable to depend on anything."

Talking about yourself first is a common trick to break the ice. It will unlock Anna's heart

"I understand that you don't have it easy, either," Anna says and adds hesitantly, "...But does it really make you suffer?"

"It does! When you're a realist, you lose the ability to have dreams, you know? For instance, let's assume I wanted to become a writer. In that case, I would realize that it's futile before even trying. There are thousands and thousands of aspiring writers, but only a small fraction of them make it, and only another fraction is able to get by.

"Because of my position in the student council, I often find myself surveying all of our students from the stage. Almost five hundred. That's an overwhelming number! If only one of those five hundred received the talent of succeeding as a writer, how many lots would I have to draw? Do I have that talent right now? Of course not. I never was the best in anything."

"...Mhm."

"When you're a realist, you look up, and when you look up, you see an endless sky. Why would I have the privilege to go all the way to the top? How could I soar up into the sky when I'm currently crawling on the ground? Do you understand, Anna? This is the pain of being realistic."

"...I think I understand."

"Tragic things like child abuse, divorce and accidents aren't the only things that make us suffer. I think that it's the things close to us that really torment us."

Everyone nods in agreement. I know that they all feel discontent with something in their lives.

How should we be optimistic in a world where nothing ever works out? How should we have dreams when we can't even make it into the University of Tokyo, which counts more than 3000 admissions every year? If we earnestly tried to accomplish our dreams, all we would get is scoff at believing in skills we don't have. That's why we give up. Realistic thinking bereaves us of our future and makes us give up. This is how the world throws us into the abyss.

"What about you, Anna? What is tormenting you?"

Anna remains silent. Not because she doesn't want to answer, but because she doesn't know how to word it.

"...I often wonder why I'm living," she eventually says with her glance cast down. "Because it doesn't matter whether I'm alive or not."

"That's not true, Anna! I'd be sad if I lost you."

"Mhm, thanks. But ... that's it."

"What do you mean...?"

"You'd be sad and that's it. Or would my death follow you for your entire life? Would you mourn for me for the rest of you life?"

"I—"

Of course, I would be sad if Anna died. I would probably cry. But ... I don't know how long that sadness would last.

"If I died a shocking death, it might subsist as a trauma. If I died young, you might remember it for that. But in that case, you wouldn't remember me but only my 'death,' right? I'd only live on as a bad memory, which means that my value is negative.

For example, if I went missing, I'm sure you would be worried about me in the beginning, but after only a month you would hardly talk about me anymore, and after a year you would have forgotten me. I think that I don't mean much to all of you."

"That's not true!"

I'm aware that I sound a bit phony.

Of course I care about Anna. She's a good girl—the type who gets along with everyone. On the other side, in many senses you will never find a person of this type in the center of a group. In short, she's one of many. Anna is never the center.

"But Anna, listen ... if, for the sake of the argument, we wouldn't mourn for you so long, what about your family?"

Anna suddenly contorts her face.

Aah—looks like I put my foot in it.

I immediately realized it. The moment I saw her self-ironic　face when I said the word "family", I realized what her answer is.

The answer to my question is "no" and more importantly...

This is the cause for Anna's view on life.

"My family?" Anna sneers with her eyes cast down. "Even though I only have a father who hasn't exchanged a word with me for over a year?"

I couldn't ask about her mother. Nothing good would come of it.

"...Oh, why would anyone care about or understand me when even my family doesn't?"

No one understands her.

I would like deny that, but again, I can't.

It's a fact that her father did not come when she cut her wrist. Of course, she cut her wrist to show me her wound, but at the bottom of it is her family, her father who neglected her.

No one understands you.

Exactly.

The same applies to me: nobody understands me. People are so good at feigning understanding that I sometimes almost buy into it, but in the end, nobody ever understood me. Everyone always dismissed my worries as the wailing of a pubescent, spoiled girl.

Even though they were so defining to me.

Nobody understands my values and beliefs, and I don't understand the values and beliefs of anybody.

Therefore I'm sure I can't understand Anna, either.

"Aah—why do I live...?"

Anna is serious.

To Anna, who is in the firm belief that even her family lacks understanding for her, living can't be enjoyable. She must be wishing to disappear like melting snow. Just like me.

Will this sentiment ever disappear? Will we find ourselves doing some generic office work in our future, and giving birth to cute babies while experiencing twinges of emptiness from time to time? Is that what we will become to survive?

Just thinking about it makes me sick.

This thought is so realistic. So filthy.

We may have been foolish, but we were pure.

"Anna."

"Hm?"

"This sucks."

"Yeah, it does."

"This world sucks."

"It does."

"It's painful, right?"

"It's painful!"

"Do you want to be saved?"

"I want to be saved!"

"Do you want to see Reina-san?"

"I want to see Reina-san!"

Dear God, whether you exist or not.

We need salvation.

I demand of you to return Reina-san immediately.

"Reina-san is different from us," I say.

"Yes, she is different. She is incredibly pretty and perfect and I'm sure that there's a meaning to her life even if there's none to ours."

"Yes, I agree."

"...Yeah."

"Unlike us, she does not have any fixed definitions that predefine her life."

"Yeah."

"Then how do we want to define Reina-san?"

Anna and the others look up into space.

"Aah—"

—Their eyes start to twinkle.

"—I see now," Anna mutters. "Aah, I see ... I see!"

"You're right, Anna. Listen, everyone, you found the answer!"

There's no need to explain everything. There can't be a need to explain everything, otherwise it wouldn't be believable.

I only needed to lead their way to a sentiment they already have.

"Living is so painful to us, which is why ... Reina-san lives."

Reina-san is water.

She is sweet water that fulfills you the more desperate you are.

Reina-san bears a deep meaning just by existing.

A person like her—

"She can't be dead," someone says.

"Reina-san is alive," I assure with a nod. "And—she will appear on the first of July."

Ah, at last!

They all made it there.

===3===

Anna has become reliable.

She could even tell where Reina-san is going to appear, now that she arrived at the conclusion that Reina-san is alive.

"If she disappeared on the rooftop, wouldn't she also appear there again?"

I see. That stands to reason.

I can't believe that she was able to deduce this without my guidance.

The other girls who had made it to my level also become reliable and were able to discover the answer.

We head to the rooftop.

It's still eight in the morning. As we make our way to our destination, we receive the blessing of the sun that is shining brightly through the windows.

Such fine weather during the rainy season! This must be a sign from heaven.

While keeping an even pace we walk up the stairway. With cheerful smiles. With eerily beautiful and uniform smiles. For we acquired a goal that we can live for without any hesitation and distractions.

The sparkling door comes into view.

Beyond that door. Beyond that door, Reina-san is waiting.

I lay my hand on the shining door.

"Wait, Sakura."

Somebody calls my name from behind. Slightly disgruntled, I turn around and find Yuuko. She is one of the blinded fools who didn't believe me and think that Reina-san were dead.

"What's the matter, Yuuko?" I ask in a calm tone of voice because there's no point in getting angry at her.

"...That's my line! You're not allowed to go to the rooftop, and you should know that."

It's as she says. While I did go there once with Reina-san's brother, it has officially been forbidden since Reina-san's incident. However, because the students of this school are generally trusted, they didn't lock the door.

"Today is the first of July, right?"

"Well, yes," I answer Yuuko's obvious question.

"Girls ... do you really, really believe it? That Reina-san is alive?" she asks, looking hesitantly at each of the twelve of "us". "And that she's on the rooftop? That's what you think, right?"

"Yes!" I assert without hesitation.

"...As you may know, my family runs a hospital."

I nod.

"I often went there when I was a child," she explains. "My father gave me free entrance because he thought I could learn something. I often made friends with elderly people.

"And I often had to see them dying."

"...What's your point?" I ask.

"You know my point. What I want to say is something that every child knows: the dead do not come back to life again. That shouldn't be news to you girls."

"Reina-san isn't dead."

"You just don't want to admit it!"

"Reina-san isn't dead," I reply calmly.

Oh dear ... Yuuko knows nothing. Unsurprisingly so.

Yuuko seems a bit daunted because I didn't show any signs of becoming angry, but she continues nevertheless:

"...You'll only be disappointed if you go past this door, Sakura! What you will find isn't a bright future, but the bitter truth that Reina-san is dead."

"That's not possible."

"Even if you were to find her ... then it's nothing but an illusion!"

"If you're so certain, then why don't you come with us, Yuuko?"

"Huh?" she utters with an open mouth in response to my apparently unexpected proposal.

She must be thinking that only "we" are allowed to be there.

"You don't mind, do you?" I ask my companions and they nod peacefully. "So? Coming with us?"

"...Fine," she sighs after some hesitation.

You shouldn't be sighing, Yuuko ... you'll lose some of your happiness!

I lay hand on the door again and—open it.

Light.

"—Aah!"

The world opens itself to us.

And then—

And then—

—I was taken in.

Just like then, just like our first encounter, I took in her, who is water, or maybe she took me in.

I listen carefully.

Instead of Chopin's Heroic Polonaise, her transparent and vacant and false and mechanic yet transcendental voice reaches my ears.

"I am delighted to see you all again."

Amidst the light she spoke to us.

Amidst the light Reina Kamisu spoke to us.

As I beheld her beautiful countenance, I started to cry and shiver with excitement.

"Reina-san," I say. The others follow suit and mutter her name as well, also crying and shivering with delight.

Aah, they can see her just like I do. Wonderful. Nothing stands in our way to happiness now!

Poor Yuuko seems to be thunderstruck by the sight of who we are looking at.

"Forgive me for keeping you waiting," the beautiful girl apologizes with an apologetic smile.

"It's OK! We believed in your return."

"Thank you."

Reina-san responds to my words. Aah! That alone makes me so happy!

"Reina-san...! So you feigned your death to save us, right?"

"Yes, exactly."

"If you don't mind, could you explain to us why there was a need to do that?"

"I am afraid that it might be a little complicated. Do you mind?"

"Of course not."

"As you can surely feel, Kawai-san, this world is rotten."

"Ah, so it's as I thought."

"It is impossible to become happy in this world. Suffering is the only option. If you deceive yourself and turn a blind eye to various things, however, it is possible to obtain an illusion of happiness. But since it is only an illusion, it means that you are not really happy by definition."

"This sounds so rotten."

"Yes. Hence, there is no happiness or salvation as long as you do not disengage from this world. This is why I decided to temporarily leave this world and search for a better one."

Does that mean that she counts as dead in this world? ...No, the idea of death is of no importance. As a matter of fact, Reina-san is standing before my eyes. That's all there is to it. There's no need for me to investigate further.

"And—I discovered our paradise. Therefore, I have appeared here again."

All that's left is to give myself entirely to Reina-san.

"It is a place free of suffering, where everything is gentle, where everything is enjoyable, and where everything is beautiful."

I listen closely to her, completely in raptures. The same seems to apply to the others.

We are going to be saved.

I'm so happy that I believed in Reina-san.

I'm so—happy.

"I am afraid to say that I am not able to remain in this world. In fact, it is questionable if you can even say that I am here right now. I may have only just arrived, but I will therefore disappear once more from here temporarily."

Please don't. I don't want to be separated.

"Are you not going to take us there right now?"

Reina-san shakes her head.

"I cannot take you there anytime. It is difficult to explain, but ... please picture to yourselves hundreds upon hundreds of holes. Once our minds leave our bodies, they are judged based on various conditions and then thrown into one of these holes. Some of them lead to worlds that are even worse than here.

"To some extent, I can control which hole you will be thrown into. However, depending on the 'time', which is one of the various conditions, it might not go well."

"I understand."

Reina-san nods sadly. "I will appear here again tomorrow at six o'clock in the evening. I am sorry ... time has run out. I shall see you tomorrow."

With these words, Reina-san disappears.

She did not walk away, she literally vanished.

I look around. My companions, too, still seem bemused and are gazing at the place where Reina-san was standing. Some of them are also talking to themselves as though in trance.

One among them is showing a different reaction, though. I approach her.

"What do you say now, Yuuko? Reina-san's alive, isn't she?"

Yuuko turns her head to me like a rusty robot. On her face I recognize exceeding bewilderment.

In all that bewilderment, she slowly opens her mouth and asks:

"What kind of joke is this?"

—I don't understand.

Why would she say that after such a miracle?

"Why are you all gazing into space and crying?"

Yuuko is looking at the place where Reina-san was standing.

No, that's not quite accurate.

She is simply looking at the place where our gazes meet, with fear in her eyes.

"Sakura! Come to your senses! For crying out loud—"

"—Weren't you the first person to find her body?!"

Was I, now?

Aah, yes, I was.

I completely forgot about that because it doesn't matter.

Because of that, I also told her brother that I hadn't seen how Reina-san fell.

I mean, what of it?

Is that supposed to prove Reina-san's death, or something?

===4===

I was smiling from ear to ear and almost started skipping along.

"Please take good care of Reina Kamisu."

Aah, she wasn't annoyed at me after all! Reina-san needs me!

Suddenly, I heard a scream.

I raised my head to look what was going on.

An instant passed.

In this instant...

A tragedy took place in front of me.

It—

It fell not with the elegance of cherry blossoms, but just like a heavy lump, following the laws of physics, and with a thump.

A warm liquid squirted around and stuck to my skin.

———

Time stopped.

No way.

This is a lie.

As a matter of act, my flow of time was in complete disarray, going faster and slower at random, and it felt much more unrealistic than a dream even ... at any rate, it was a lie.

After all, Reina-san had just told me to take care of her, which clearly was in conflict with the thing that just happened, and, aah, at any rate, this was a lie. What's the deal with ... this? Why did this, huh? I don't get it. At any rate, it was a lie, a lie, and a lie, so I silently laughed aloud.

The hideously deformed something that resembled Reina-san and yet was completely different stared at me.

It stared at me without doubt.

It stared at me with bloodshot eyes.

And it moved its lips and jerked its bloody red tongue.

"—D-O N-O-T F-O-R-G-E-T M-E."

Since there was no sound, I could not hear anything, but it certainly tried to form these words.

Something was clearly out of order. Something was a lie.

This something before me was clearly not Reina-san. After all, it was obviously filthier than anything I'd ever seen. Filthy = Reality? Reality? So it had nothing to do with Reina-san. This something could impossibly be Reina-san. Impossible.

Aah, where are you, Reina-san?

Where have you gone? Did you die? Did you disappear because this something stole your soul?

I don't understand.

I don't understand. However.

If I don't find the answer, Reina-san will disappear.

===5===

Neither Yuuko, nor Emi, nor the other people tried to stop us. We made it to the second of July without any trouble.

The only unexpected thing was that one of our companions stubborny claimed, "Reina-san did not say anything about assembling tomorrow at six o'clock!" It was unexpected, but I concluded that she didn't make it to our level and gave up on her.

We go again to the rooftop. Unlike yesterday, a gentle rain is falling, which is a shame but still better than seeing the moon, because the moon always follows us around.

Suddenly, I notice that somebody is sitting in front of the door to the rooftop. Did Yuuko not learn her lesson...? No, it's not her. It's not one of girls who fell through, either. Upon seeing me, the girl stands up.

"You're going to meet Reina-san, right?"

I recognize her voice.

"Oh, you're here as well?" she continues. "Didn't she turn you down?"

I see how Anna stiffens.

"What do you want, Mitsui-senpai?"

Yukimi Mitsui.

One of the servants who arrived at the knowledge of Reina-san's "presence."

"Do you want to join us? I'm sorry, but I haven't forgiven you even though you may be a servant of Reina-san's. I can't let you come with us."

"Join you just to meet Reina-san? Ha!" Yukimi Mitsui sneers. "I don't need your help for that."

"...What was that?"

"I'll be damned if I resort to your means," she laughs and steps aside. She continues in whispers, "I'm here to warn you."

"We don't need your warning."

"Don't misunderstand, okay? I don't care what happens to you, but if this is the last time we meet, I want to get it off my chest at least," she says and flashes a grin. "My worship of Reina-san and yours are as different as snow and ashes."

"...Well, I don't want to be thought hand in glove with you, either!"

"Huhu, is that so? Well, why don't you go ahead and meet your Reina-san? Bye then. We probably won't meet again."

"Goodbye," I say without even turning around to Yukimi Mitsui, who is waving her hand. After stroking Anna's hair gently, I walk up the stairs again, and—

—open the door.

A gentle rain is falling.

Reina-san is already waiting for us in the center of the rooftop.

Reina-san is waiting, smiling and without getting wet..

"Sorry to keep you waiting, Reina-san."

"Why, no, it was me who kept you waiting, Sakura."

I nod with a lopsided smile.

As the rain soaks our hair and clothes, we are reminded of our physical body through the unpleasant feeling. Sadly, this acid rain is filthy and thus can't wash us clean.

We need purification.

"We don't have much time, right? Please tell us how we can go to your world, Reina-san."

She nods. "It is simple. You just have to employ the same procedure as me."

The same procedure...

I recall the chalk line I examined together with Reina-san's brother.

"Do we have to jump...?"

Reina-san nods again.

"I know that it requires courage. I would like to use a different method as well, but there is none."

I look at the others.

They look at me.

They may not say so verbally, but their eyes are clearly telling me to take the lead. We are all afraid. Of course, we trust Reina-san, but we all know that the panic of falling and the pain of hitting the ground are things that cannot be avoided.

Indeed, I have to take the lead. I have to jump first and show them their way. Just like I have been doing so far.

However—

"I'm sorry, but I can't jump first."

Surprise and discontent appear on their faces.

"There is something I want to confirm at the end."

"Can you not do that now?" Anna asks and I nod in response.

She surveys me, then the bandage around her left wrist, and eventually smiles.

"Okay—I will jump first, then."

Surprised but impressed, we applaud to her.

"Anna ... thank you so much."

"No, you don't need to thank me ... It's an honor to be the first to go to Reina-san!"

I'm so proud of Anna. The source of her present strength may be weakness, but it's still strength.

Anna climbs on the fence in a somewhat clumsy manner and stands on top of it. She almost slips because the rain is getting stronger and thus making the fence slippery. Careful, Anna! Don't fall! Hm? Ah, stupid me. You will fall either way.

Anna stands upright atop the slippery fence and speaks straight ahead:

"Reina-san."

"Yes?"

I can't see Anna's face because she's looking forward.

"I will never forget what you said to me yesterday. I was really happy when you said that you would always need me even if nobody else did."

Reina-san nods.

"My scar will disappear once I reach the other world, right?"

"Yes."

"...I'm so happy."

I'm moved.

Reina-san did a great job.

"I will always need you even if no one else does."

This is the very thing Anna wanted to hear the most.

It would sound false from anyone else's mouth, but if Reina-san says it, it's the truth.

But then—

—I don't think I remember Reina-san saying that?

"Sakura," Anna suddenly calls me, interrupting my thought process.

Anna is still looking forward, beyond the rain, so I still don't know what her face looks like.

"Yes, Anna?"

"—Thank you."

Her voice falls downward.

And is cut short.

Anna vanished and spoke simultaneously.

"Thank ... you...?"

Why?

Why would she thank me?

It's Reina-san who saved Anna, and it's Reina-san who will guide her to a better world. You probably can't even say that I bridged the gap between her and Reina-san.

Thank you ... words of gratitude.

But this makes it seem—as though I was the one who brought about this ceremony.

As I'm overcome with this strange confusion, my companions continue to jump one after the other. And before they jump and scatter, they all cite words that I don't remember hearing from Reina-san and give their thanks to me like Anna did.

Watching them makes me feel as though I were looking at artificial flowers that have withered.

Eventually, I end up alone with Reina-san.

The rain has gotten even fiercer. I might catch a cold, I think for a brief moment and sneer at myself.

I'm the last one.

"Kawai-san," the undrenched girl says. "What is it that you wanted to confirm?"

"Yes, there is something I wanted to ask you no matter what."

"Why did it have to be now, 'at the very end'?"

I look at the floor. A water drop drips down from my hair and enters my eye, making me feel filthy from the inside.

The reason why it had to be "at the very end."

It's—because I couldn't let the others hear it.

"Reina-san."

"Yes?"

"It's so hard to explain and I don't know how to put this, but please bear with me."

"Who are you?"

Reina-san remains calm. She is still smiling.

"You're Reina Kamisu, of course, and that's the only way to call you. You are no doubt Reina Kamisu.

"But—you are not the Reina-san who played the piano, are you? You are someone else."

"...Why do you think so?"

"I was always fascinated by Reina-san, but she always made a somewhat strange impression on me. I don't know what it was, but I do not get that impression from you."

Reina-san silently listens to me.

"It's an ambiguous feeling. Perhaps, my memory is playing tricks on me because I haven't met you in a long time, but ... I doubt it."

"Why do you doubt it?"

"Because it's the former Reina-san who gave me that strange impression. If it was the other way around, it would make sense ... but ... as a matter of fact ... you feel way more genuine to me than the previous Reina-san. Isn't it strange that you feel more genuine now than before?"

The rain is getting stronger and I'm starting to get worried if my voice even reaches her.

"If," Reina-san starts. "If I am a different being than before, what will you do?"

"It doesn't matter," I respond without missing a beat. "You are Reina Kamisu. Nothing else."

"Yes," she nods. "I am Reina Kamisu, and nothing else," she says with her beautiful smile. "If you say so, may I tell you the truth?"

"Yes. My decision won't change."

I walk up to the fence and lean against it with my back. I don't even want to think about the sight down there.

"I am a phenomenon that becomes visible to those who believe in my existence."

"...A phenomenon?"

"To you and your friends, I am Reina Kamisu, because that is what you named me. If given a different name, I adapt accordingly. For example, some call me 'god' and some call me an 'angel'. By being given a name, I take shape and become visible."

"...Do you lead the people who can 'see' you to another world?"

"This is the role you gave me."

"But I wasn't the only one who believed so," I argue.

"That is because you took the lead over them and defined my role for everyone. All I ever do is fulfill my purpose."

I defined her role?

It's true that I guided them to believe in Reina-san's "presence," but that's all I did. Reina-san is the one who is to do the rest and save us.

Right, I'm not to blame.

Not to blame?

What? What am I talking about? Blame? What blame? I only did the right thing and struggled to break free from this filth and didn't believe in Reina-san's death and, aah, yes, that filthy corpse wasn't Reina-san's. It wasn't hers, so I realized the truth and now I'm facing Reina-san in person and, aah, I was right from start to finish. Impressive! I didn't do too bad, did I?

"I ... I don't care anymore."

I climb on the fence.

Like Anna and the others, I stand upright and gaze straight ahead.

"You are Reina Kamisu."

"Yes, I am."

"You will save us from the filthy."

"Yes, I will."

"Please fulfill your role."

"Yes, I will fulfill my role."

There's no hesitation.

The others jumped down, too. I can't hesitate. It's too late. Wait, too late? For what? I do not need to hesitate anymore. The answer is clear, I only need to carry it out.

One question—

One question suddenly crosses my mind.

I was Reina-san's servant.

But why did I decide to obey her without a single doubt? What was so special about Reina-san?

Of course, she was beautiful. Of course, she felt different.

But ... that's no reason to obey her.

It makes me think.

Everyone admired Reina-san, everyone was captivated by her, so much that she belonged in the same category as "god" and "angels."

But where did that deification come from?

I mean—

—We don't know anything about Reina-san.

I stop thinking.

I won't turn around to her anymore.

I'll just look at her the same way as I always did.

I'll just project my idea of perfection on her and look upon her in a perfect light.

I step forward.

And as I do, I devote my last thoughts to her:

I ... we may have suffered a lot, but—

—she must have suffered just as much.

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