Talk:Rakuin no Monshou:Volume2 Chapter1 - Revision history

Detalz: /* Suggested sentences for revision */

2013-10-28T05:09:22Z

Suggested sentences for revision

← Older revision		Revision as of 05:09, 28 October 2013
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	::*I had originally reworded it from faltering...but I shouldn't have. Faltering is used to describe the husband, who has yet to give in to her advances. There might be a better word than faltering, but I can't think of it right now, so for now changed to "Theresia immediately began selecting clothes for the faltering soon-to-be husband."		::*I had originally reworded it from faltering...but I shouldn't have. Faltering is used to describe the husband, who has yet to give in to her advances. There might be a better word than faltering, but I can't think of it right now, so for now changed to "Theresia immediately began selecting clothes for the faltering soon-to-be husband."
	:::*Someone edited the "husband" to "wife". From our discussion here I'm pretty sure "husband" was the intended word, but I do undertand why someone would be confused. I didn't see it earlier, but the current sentence structure with husband makes it should like it's Gil's clothes she is selecting. The fix that comes to my mind is still to insert a word along the lines sway, entrance, influence, or affect. So that the result would be "clothes to sway the (faltering) soon-to-be-husband." I'll let the error from the other editor sit assuming you'll take care of it in the next couple of weeks, but I'll undo it myself eventually if not.		:::*Someone edited the "husband" to "wife". From our discussion here I'm pretty sure "husband" was the intended word, but I do undertand why someone would be confused. I didn't see it earlier, but the current sentence structure with husband makes it should like it's Gil's clothes she is selecting. The fix that comes to my mind is still to insert a word along the lines sway, entrance, influence, or affect. So that the result would be "clothes to sway the (faltering) soon-to-be-husband." I'll let the error from the other editor sit assuming you'll take care of it in the next couple of weeks, but I'll undo it myself eventually if not.
			:::*I finally thought of a word! Impotent! "...selecting clothes for the impotent soon-to-be husband." Then again, this still doesn't resolve the problem of "selecting clothes 'for'" in the context. It was more or less a translation adhering to the Japanese style of grammar, which is confusing when read in English. Fixed to "...selecting clothes that would charm the impotent soon-to-be husband."

	===Part 2===		===Part 2===
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	:*"Fastened to horses" sound awkward to me. I would suggest "Riding on horses" or "Saddled on horses".		:*"Fastened to horses" sound awkward to me. I would suggest "Riding on horses" or "Saddled on horses".
	::*Changed to "Straddled to their horses." Somehow couldn't think of this word while I was translating it at the time. Thanks.		::*Changed to "Straddled to their horses." Somehow couldn't think of this word while I was translating it at the time. Thanks.
	:::*I think you intended to type "Saddled to their horses"? If you did intend "straddled" then it might be be better as "straddled on" rather than "to", though I do think using "saddled" would be better.		:::*I think you intended to type "Saddled to their horses"? If you did intend "straddled" then it might be be better as "straddled on" rather than "to", though I do think using "saddled" would be better.
			:::*Meh. Damn me and my 5th grade level english. I concede. Saddle is better in this situation.

	Although not even half an hour had passed since the departure from the palace, going through the trouble to suggest riding on horseback was rather typical of Ineli.		Although not even half an hour had passed since the departure from the palace, going through the trouble to suggest riding on horseback was rather typical of Ineli.
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	::*Troa and Gil's other friends wanted to go out and play with him. Orba(Gil) needed to attend an appointed invitation to Rogue Saian's house. So Orba made them tag along with him to Saian's house. Troa most likely doesn't like him due to differences in style. He prefers a "noble" environment, whereas Rogue acts towards the unrefined areas, which he is unaccustomed to. I think the sentence already portrays that, but me being the translator, it might still be unclear. Tell me if it still is, and I'll try to find a way to change it, since nothing comes to mind for me atm.		::*Troa and Gil's other friends wanted to go out and play with him. Orba(Gil) needed to attend an appointed invitation to Rogue Saian's house. So Orba made them tag along with him to Saian's house. Troa most likely doesn't like him due to differences in style. He prefers a "noble" environment, whereas Rogue acts towards the unrefined areas, which he is unaccustomed to. I think the sentence already portrays that, but me being the translator, it might still be unclear. Tell me if it still is, and I'll try to find a way to change it, since nothing comes to mind for me atm.
	:::*I don't get that meaning from the sentence, but even after having it explained to me, I'm having trouble coming up with a good revision. So since I can't come up with anything, and you think it's fine, it's probably most efficient to let this be unless someone else brings it up, or I get a random flash of compositional inspiration that can represent my perspective.		:::*I don't get that meaning from the sentence, but even after having it explained to me, I'm having trouble coming up with a good revision. So since I can't come up with anything, and you think it's fine, it's probably most efficient to let this be unless someone else brings it up, or I get a random flash of compositional inspiration that can represent my perspective.
			::::*It could be that 'forced' might come as a bit too excessive of a wording. But that's also how Troa ends up exaggerating it. He isn't actually forced to, since he could just as well not have come, but would have come anyway regardless of where Gil decided to go, and thus was 'forced' into this situation. Of course, I also admit there's still a lot of inferring that has to be done to properly understand this sentence.
	:*Also, I'm just not sure on the meaning for the sentence "Project himself from below the stomach ... to be pitied".		:*Also, I'm just not sure on the meaning for the sentence "Project himself from below the stomach ... to be pitied".
	::*changed to "....was Troa Hergei. The young boy stuck his head out from under the horse leaving it as something to be pitied." By 'something to be pitied', it refers to Troa doing whatever he wants of the horse and treating it as his plaything.		::*changed to "....was Troa Hergei. The young boy stuck his head out from under the horse leaving it as something to be pitied." By 'something to be pitied', it refers to Troa doing whatever he wants of the horse and treating it as his plaything.

Cthaeh: /* Suggested sentences for revision */

2013-10-28T02:02:58Z

Suggested sentences for revision

← Older revision		Revision as of 02:02, 28 October 2013
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	:*Suggested change of "falter" to "sway" (or entrance).		:*Suggested change of "falter" to "sway" (or entrance).
	::*I had originally reworded it from faltering...but I shouldn't have. Faltering is used to describe the husband, who has yet to give in to her advances. There might be a better word than faltering, but I can't think of it right now, so for now changed to "Theresia immediately began selecting clothes for the faltering soon-to-be husband."		::*I had originally reworded it from faltering...but I shouldn't have. Faltering is used to describe the husband, who has yet to give in to her advances. There might be a better word than faltering, but I can't think of it right now, so for now changed to "Theresia immediately began selecting clothes for the faltering soon-to-be husband."
			:::*Someone edited the "husband" to "wife". From our discussion here I'm pretty sure "husband" was the intended word, but I do undertand why someone would be confused. I didn't see it earlier, but the current sentence structure with husband makes it should like it's Gil's clothes she is selecting. The fix that comes to my mind is still to insert a word along the lines sway, entrance, influence, or affect. So that the result would be "clothes to sway the (faltering) soon-to-be-husband." I'll let the error from the other editor sit assuming you'll take care of it in the next couple of weeks, but I'll undo it myself eventually if not.

	===Part 2===		===Part 2===
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	:*"Fastened to horses" sound awkward to me. I would suggest "Riding on horses" or "Saddled on horses".		:*"Fastened to horses" sound awkward to me. I would suggest "Riding on horses" or "Saddled on horses".
	::*Changed to "Straddled to their horses." Somehow couldn't think of this word while I was translating it at the time. Thanks.		::*Changed to "Straddled to their horses." Somehow couldn't think of this word while I was translating it at the time. Thanks.
			:::*I think you intended to type "Saddled to their horses"? If you did intend "straddled" then it might be be better as "straddled on" rather than "to", though I do think using "saddled" would be better.

	Although not even half an hour had passed since the departure from the palace, going through the trouble to suggest riding on horseback was rather typical of Ineli.		Although not even half an hour had passed since the departure from the palace, going through the trouble to suggest riding on horseback was rather typical of Ineli.
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	:* In the first half I was confused by "we wouldn't be forced". In the conversation, Troa was rejecting Orba's suggestion that Orba shouldn't have come. So why does Troa respond by saying Troa was forced to meet with Rogue (implying that it's a negative thing).		:* In the first half I was confused by "we wouldn't be forced". In the conversation, Troa was rejecting Orba's suggestion that Orba shouldn't have come. So why does Troa respond by saying Troa was forced to meet with Rogue (implying that it's a negative thing).
	::*Troa and Gil's other friends wanted to go out and play with him. Orba(Gil) needed to attend an appointed invitation to Rogue Saian's house. So Orba made them tag along with him to Saian's house. Troa most likely doesn't like him due to differences in style. He prefers a "noble" environment, whereas Rogue acts towards the unrefined areas, which he is unaccustomed to. I think the sentence already portrays that, but me being the translator, it might still be unclear. Tell me if it still is, and I'll try to find a way to change it, since nothing comes to mind for me atm.		::*Troa and Gil's other friends wanted to go out and play with him. Orba(Gil) needed to attend an appointed invitation to Rogue Saian's house. So Orba made them tag along with him to Saian's house. Troa most likely doesn't like him due to differences in style. He prefers a "noble" environment, whereas Rogue acts towards the unrefined areas, which he is unaccustomed to. I think the sentence already portrays that, but me being the translator, it might still be unclear. Tell me if it still is, and I'll try to find a way to change it, since nothing comes to mind for me atm.
			:::*I don't get that meaning from the sentence, but even after having it explained to me, I'm having trouble coming up with a good revision. So since I can't come up with anything, and you think it's fine, it's probably most efficient to let this be unless someone else brings it up, or I get a random flash of compositional inspiration that can represent my perspective.
	:*Also, I'm just not sure on the meaning for the sentence "Project himself from below the stomach ... to be pitied".		:*Also, I'm just not sure on the meaning for the sentence "Project himself from below the stomach ... to be pitied".
	::*changed to "....was Troa Hergei. The young boy stuck his head out from under the horse leaving it as something to be pitied." By 'something to be pitied', it refers to Troa doing whatever he wants of the horse and treating it as his plaything.		::*changed to "....was Troa Hergei. The young boy stuck his head out from under the horse leaving it as something to be pitied." By 'something to be pitied', it refers to Troa doing whatever he wants of the horse and treating it as his plaything.
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	:::*Mmmhh... yes still a little bit. The word "face" got dropped, so you might have meant "...that even now his face paled, terrified of..." What sounds awkward in that is that now "his face" is what's terrified (rather than him). What I didn't like in the original was the fact that a "his face paled" could be a complete sentence by it's own, and that it completely broke up main sentence. This is making a significant change to the sentence structure, and possibly its intended meaning, but an example of what I would think is the best is "but his pale face made it obvious to everyone that, even now, he was terrified of..."		:::*Mmmhh... yes still a little bit. The word "face" got dropped, so you might have meant "...that even now his face paled, terrified of..." What sounds awkward in that is that now "his face" is what's terrified (rather than him). What I didn't like in the original was the fact that a "his face paled" could be a complete sentence by it's own, and that it completely broke up main sentence. This is making a significant change to the sentence structure, and possibly its intended meaning, but an example of what I would think is the best is "but his pale face made it obvious to everyone that, even now, he was terrified of..."
	:::*Hmm, I see. Usually I would put something like "his face paled, as he lay terrified" or "as he stood terrified" but neither fits in the context so I omitted it. In this case, splitting it in two sentences would be better than altering the structure. Changed to "Or so Baton said, but even now, his face paled. It was obvious to everyone he was terrified of what other troubles he might find himself caught up in."		:::*Hmm, I see. Usually I would put something like "his face paled, as he lay terrified" or "as he stood terrified" but neither fits in the context so I omitted it. In this case, splitting it in two sentences would be better than altering the structure. Changed to "Or so Baton said, but even now, his face paled. It was obvious to everyone he was terrified of what other troubles he might find himself caught up in."
			::::*I like your split sentence solution.

	*There are two uses of "approached closer". I would suggest removing "closer" as I think that "approach" already contains that meaning.		*There are two uses of "approached closer". I would suggest removing "closer" as I think that "approach" already contains that meaning.
	::I'll keep note of that. I just chose approached closer to keep it closer to first person narrative, as opposed third person narrative to using "approached him." I'll check over it at a later time. Fixed and substituted the appropriate nouns.		::I'll keep note of that. I just chose approached closer to keep it closer to first person narrative, as opposed third person narrative to using "approached him." I'll check over it at a later time. Fixed and substituted the appropriate nouns.

Detalz: /* Part 3 */

2013-10-18T06:16:15Z

Part 3

← Older revision		Revision as of 06:16, 18 October 2013
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	"I don't care if he's alive, the gun, slice his whole arm off!" <!--Not sure how to word it. "Slice his whole hand off along with the gun!" might be a better alternative-->		"I don't care if he's alive, the gun, slice his whole arm off!" <!--Not sure how to word it. "Slice his whole hand off along with the gun!" might be a better alternative-->
	:*From the surrounding context, I thought "I don't care as long as he's alive" would be better for the first part, but that's pretty much opposite of the current meaning.		:*From the surrounding context, I thought "I don't care as long as he's alive" would be better for the first part, but that's pretty much opposite of the current meaning.
			::*No, you're actually right. I had misinterpreted the contraction ありゃ for あれは, when it was in fact あれば. I also reworded to sentence to better reflect the speech. Changed to "Long as he's alive, I don't give a damn! The gun, slice his whole arm off!"

	Twice, thrice he repelled the puring onslaught of daggers.		Twice, thrice he repelled the puring onslaught of daggers.
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	*There are two uses of "approached closer". I would suggest removing "closer" as I think that "approach" already contains that meaning.		*There are two uses of "approached closer". I would suggest removing "closer" as I think that "approach" already contains that meaning.
	::*I'll keep note of that. I just chose approached closer to keep it closer to first person narrative, as opposed third person narrative to using "approached him." I'll check over it at a later time.		::I'll keep note of that. I just chose approached closer to keep it closer to first person narrative, as opposed third person narrative to using "approached him." I'll check over it at a later time. Fixed and substituted the appropriate nouns.

Detalz: /* Part 3 */

2013-10-17T05:57:05Z

Part 3

Detalz: /* Part 2 */

2013-10-16T22:27:37Z

Part 2

Cthaeh: /* Part 3 */

2013-10-12T02:03:21Z

Part 3

← Older revision		Revision as of 02:03, 12 October 2013
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	:*The "even now, his face paled" breaks up the sentence a bit. I would suggest "obvious to everyone that, with his pale face, he was terried of"		:*The "even now, his face paled" breaks up the sentence a bit. I would suggest "obvious to everyone that, with his pale face, he was terried of"
	::*Does "....obvious to everyone that even now his paled, terrified of...." still sound weird to you? I'm just placing commas in conjunction to where they are located in the raws for personal reference, but they might be more confusing than necessary at times.		::*Does "....obvious to everyone that even now his paled, terrified of...." still sound weird to you? I'm just placing commas in conjunction to where they are located in the raws for personal reference, but they might be more confusing than necessary at times.
			:::*Mmmhh... yes still a little bit. The word "face" got dropped, so you might have meant "...that even now his face paled, terrified of..." What sounds awkward in that is that now "his face" is what's terrified (rather than him). What I didn't like in the original was the fact that a "his face paled" could be a complete sentence by it's own, and that it completely broke up main sentence. This is making a significant change to the sentence structure, and possibly its intended meaning, but an example of what I would think is the best is "but his pale face made it obvious to everyone that, even now, he was terrified of..."

	*There are two uses of "approached closer". I would suggest removing "closer" as I think that "approach" already contains that meaning.		*There are two uses of "approached closer". I would suggest removing "closer" as I think that "approach" already contains that meaning.
	::*I'll keep note of that. I just chose approached closer to keep it closer to first person narrative, as opposed third person narrative to using "approached him." I'll check over it at a later time.		::*I'll keep note of that. I just chose approached closer to keep it closer to first person narrative, as opposed third person narrative to using "approached him." I'll check over it at a later time.

Detalz: /* Part 3 */

2013-10-12T01:26:15Z

Part 3

Detalz: /* Suggested sentences for revision */

2013-10-12T01:14:19Z

Suggested sentences for revision

← Older revision		Revision as of 01:14, 12 October 2013
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	Finished my editing (parts 2 and 3) and added suggested revisions below. --[[User:Cthaeh\|Cthaeh]] ([[User talk:Cthaeh\|talk]]) 20:41, 9 October 2013 (CDT)		Finished my editing (parts 2 and 3) and added suggested revisions below. --[[User:Cthaeh\|Cthaeh]] ([[User talk:Cthaeh\|talk]]) 20:41, 9 October 2013 (CDT)
			*Thanks again. I'm a bit short on time at the moment, so I'll just go over the english revisions to the best I can remember. Don't have enough time to check with the raws and correct some of them, so I'll leave notes for myself to use to fix them at a later date. --[[User:Detalz\|Detalz]] ([[User talk:Detalz\|talk]]) 20:14, 11 October 2013 (CDT)

	===Part 1===		===Part 1===

Detalz: /* Part 2 */

2013-10-12T01:12:10Z

Part 2

← Older revision		Revision as of 01:12, 12 October 2013
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	Fastened to horses on the top of a hill, the youths waiting...		Fastened to horses on the top of a hill, the youths waiting...
	:*"Fastened to horses" sound awkward to me. I would suggest "Riding on horses" or "Saddled on horses".		:*"Fastened to horses" sound awkward to me. I would suggest "Riding on horses" or "Saddled on horses".
			::*Changed to "Straddled to their horses." Somehow couldn't think of this word while I was translating it at the time. Thanks.

	Although not even half an hour had passed since the departure from the palace, going through the trouble to suggest riding on horseback was typical of Ineli.		Although not even half an hour had passed since the departure from the palace, going through the trouble to suggest riding on horseback was rather typical of Ineli.
	:*I was confused by this line. I'm not sure what how long it's been since they left has to do with Ineli suggesting horseback riding. Weren't they already on horse back? If so why does the "Although not even ..." segment mention the time it has been?		:*I was confused by this line. I'm not sure what how long it's been since they left has to do with Ineli suggesting horseback riding. Weren't they already on horse back? If so why does the "Although not even ..." segment mention the time it has been?

	"That won't do. If the prince had not received an invitation, then even we wouldn't be forced to meet with that boorish Rogue," The one who elatedly stuck out his tongue was Troa Hergei. Projecting himself from below the stomach of his mounted horse that left it as something to be pitied, was the young boy Baton Cadmus. In a bored tone, he began, <!--Need double-checking to see if the boy was Baton, or Troa.-->		"That won't do. If the prince had not received an invitation, then even we wouldn't be forced to meet with that boorish Rogue," The one who elatedly stuck out his tongue was Troa Hergei. Projecting himself from below the stomach of his mounted horse that left it as something to be pitied, was the young boy Baton Cadmus. In a bored tone, he began, <!--Need double-checking to see if the boy was Baton, or Troa.-->
	:* In the first half I was confused by "we wouldn't be forced". In the conversation, Troa was rejecting Orba's suggestion that Orba shouldn't have come. So why does Troa respond by saying Troa was forced to meet with Rogue (implying that it's a negative thing).		:* In the first half I was confused by "we wouldn't be forced". In the conversation, Troa was rejecting Orba's suggestion that Orba shouldn't have come. So why does Troa respond by saying Troa was forced to meet with Rogue (implying that it's a negative thing).
			::*Troa and Gil's other friends wanted to go out and play with him. Orba(Gil) needed to attend an appointed invitation to Rogue Saian's house. So Orba made them tag along with him to Saian's house. Troa most likely doesn't like him due to differences in style. He prefers a "noble" environment, whereas Rogue acts towards the unrefined areas, which he is unaccustomed to.
	:*Also, I'm just not sure on the meaning for the sentence "Project himself from below the stomach ... to be pitied".		:*Also, I'm just not sure on the meaning for the sentence "Project himself from below the stomach ... to be pitied".
			::*changed to "Stuck his head out from under the horse...." By 'something to be pitied', it refers to Baton(or Troa, I'll have to double-check when I have time) doing whatever he wants of the horse and treating it as his plaything.

	During the course of their meal, Rogue told stories of the battlefield. He had to answer to Orba's safety above all. His other comrades were of little interest to him.		During the course of their meal, Rogue told stories of the battlefield. He had to answer to Orba's safety above all. His other comrades were of little interest to him.
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	I've always been meaning to hear about it if I ever met brother.		I've always been meaning to hear about it if I ever met brother.
	:*Suggested change to "I've been meaning to ask about it when I met brother". "always" removed because I don't think it fits something that's only 1 month. "hear" to "ask" because I think it's more natural. And "if I ever" to "when" because I assume Ineli wasn't thinking that she might never meet him, but rather that it was just a matter of how long it would be.		:*Suggested change to "I've been meaning to ask about it when I met brother". "always" removed because I don't think it fits something that's only 1 month. "hear" to "ask" because I think it's more natural. And "if I ever" to "when" because I assume Ineli wasn't thinking that she might never meet him, but rather that it was just a matter of how long it would be.
			:**always is figurative here, indicating "since she first heard it until this very point in time." Colloquial usages of expressions tend to be more flexible in passage, so I don't see anything wrong with it. And this day is the first time she met him since he came back from the campaign so I added 'with' to alter it, but I'll double-check the raws at a later date to see if I can make the sentence more flexible. For now, "I've always been meaning to ask about it if ever met with brother"

	He felt a hot sensation transmitted to those parts, and also, an impact as if he received blows to his forehead. // When he realized what it was, he broke into tears, as Ran hugged his back.		He felt a hot sensation transmitted to those parts, and also, an impact as if he received blows to his forehead. // When he realized what it was, he broke into tears, as Ran hugged his back.
	:*I don't really understand what's going on here, but that may be because it relates to the 'voice', which I assume is introduced in chapters 6+ of volume 1 (or I forgot it if it was earlier).		:*I don't really understand what's going on here, but that may be because it relates to the 'voice', which I assume is introduced in chapters 6+ of volume 1 (or I forgot it if it was earlier).
			::*Through the very hand Romus used to touch the dragon, the feelings of the dragon(bodily sensations) were transmitted to him, and he could also feel it in those respective parts. Of particular note was the throbbing sensation in the head, which he quickly associated with his repeated violent thrusts on the dragon with the blunted spear. This 'voice' appears to be a linkage of senses between a dragon and receiver, but you're right, it probably needs a more detailed explanation.

	The dragon fervently extended its claws between the bars of the cage.		The dragon fervently extended its claws between the bars of the cage.
	:*Suggested changed of "extended" to "thrust" as more active word choice.		:*Suggested changed of "extended" to "thrust" as more active word choice.
			::*'Extended' is weird, but 'thrust' doesn't exactly fit the contact. Changed to "The dragon fervently swung out its claws between the bars of the cage."

	===Part 3===		===Part 3===

Cthaeh: /* Suggested sentences for revision */ (parts 2 and 3)

2013-10-10T01:41:10Z

Suggested sentences for revision: (parts 2 and 3)

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 I'm using a similar style and threshold of editing and revision suggestions as I did when reading Dohma's chapters.  Let me know if you'd prefer I do things differently for future editing on your chapters.  I also plan to read and edit the remaining two parts of this chapter when I get the chance.  Thanks for your translations. --[[User:Cthaeh|Cthaeh]] ([[User talk:Cthaeh|talk]]) 20:06, 29 September 2013 (CDT)
 *I don't mind. I've gotten quite used to this format. Thanks for taking the time to make the edits. Really appreciate it, since I find it extremely hard to proofread my own works. Wasn't aware this chapter had that many grammatical errors. I've learned my lesson. Never typing it out on notepad again. I hope you'll bear with me and the sometimes silly translational errors I make for the first few chapters as I get the hang of translating this novel. The accuracy will definitely improve, and Dohma will also be offering a TLC after he is finished with Volume 1, to catch the other translational errors I may have made. Thanks again. --[[User:Detalz|Detalz]] ([[User talk:Detalz|talk]]) 01:10, 30 September 2013 (CDT)
 ===Part 1===
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 :*Suggested change of last part to "If that is your opinion."
 ::*May I hear your reasoning for this change? I added 'of' for emphatic purposes and feel it adds connotations of wit and doubt that are not present in its absence.
 Theresia immediately began selecting clothes that would falter the soon-to-be husband.
 :*Suggested change of "falter" to "sway" (or entrance).
 ::*I had originally reworded it from faltering...but I shouldn't have. Faltering is used to describe the husband, who has yet to give in to her advances. There might be a better word than faltering, but I can't think of it right now, so for now changed to "Theresia immediately began selecting clothes for the faltering soon-to-be husband."

← Older revision		Revision as of 05:57, 17 October 2013
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	Ineli giggled, and taking Orba's hand, crossed it around her surprisingly slender arms.		Ineli giggled, and taking Orba's hand, crossed it around her surprisingly slender arms.
	:*I can't quite picture crossing a hand around someone's arms. Maybe that's just me though.		:*I can't quite picture crossing a hand around someone's arms. Maybe that's just me though.
			::*Changed to "wrapped it around her arms"

	They conferred the financially well off Baton as leader, and often hung out in 'groups' around these parts.		They conferred the financially well off Baton as leader, and often hung out in 'groups' around these parts.
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	A colour of surprise and impatience suspended on the dirt-covered mens' faces.		A colour of surprise and impatience suspended on the dirt-covered mens' faces.
	:*I think "suspended" should be changed to something like "showed", "hung", or "appeared", depending on the intended meaning/style. Also, "colour of suprise" seems like a bit unusual word choice, but I suspect it might have been choosen to match the original.		:*I think "suspended" should be changed to something like "showed", "hung", or "appeared", depending on the intended meaning/style. Also, "colour of suprise" seems like a bit unusual word choice, but I suspect it might have been choosen to match the original.
	::*Yep, it's according to how it was used in the raws. It's unusual, I agree, but not incomprehensible, so I kept it as is.		::*Yep, it's according to how it was used in the raws. It's unusual, I agree, but not incomprehensible, so I kept it as is. Changed 'suspended' to 'hung'.

	and with the dagger in his back, stabbed the man in the chest with his left.		and with the dagger in his back, stabbed the man in the chest with his left.
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	::*Does "....obvious to everyone that even now his paled, terrified of...." still sound weird to you? I'm just placing commas in conjunction to where they are located in the raws for personal reference, but they might be more confusing than necessary at times.		::*Does "....obvious to everyone that even now his paled, terrified of...." still sound weird to you? I'm just placing commas in conjunction to where they are located in the raws for personal reference, but they might be more confusing than necessary at times.
	:::*Mmmhh... yes still a little bit. The word "face" got dropped, so you might have meant "...that even now his face paled, terrified of..." What sounds awkward in that is that now "his face" is what's terrified (rather than him). What I didn't like in the original was the fact that a "his face paled" could be a complete sentence by it's own, and that it completely broke up main sentence. This is making a significant change to the sentence structure, and possibly its intended meaning, but an example of what I would think is the best is "but his pale face made it obvious to everyone that, even now, he was terrified of..."		:::*Mmmhh... yes still a little bit. The word "face" got dropped, so you might have meant "...that even now his face paled, terrified of..." What sounds awkward in that is that now "his face" is what's terrified (rather than him). What I didn't like in the original was the fact that a "his face paled" could be a complete sentence by it's own, and that it completely broke up main sentence. This is making a significant change to the sentence structure, and possibly its intended meaning, but an example of what I would think is the best is "but his pale face made it obvious to everyone that, even now, he was terrified of..."
			:::*Hmm, I see. Usually I would put something like "his face paled, as he lay terrified" or "as he stood terrified" but neither fits in the context so I omitted it. In this case, splitting it in two sentences would be better than altering the structure. Changed to "Or so Baton said, but even now, his face paled. It was obvious to everyone he was terrified of what other troubles he might find himself caught up in."

	*There are two uses of "approached closer". I would suggest removing "closer" as I think that "approach" already contains that meaning.		*There are two uses of "approached closer". I would suggest removing "closer" as I think that "approach" already contains that meaning.
	::*I'll keep note of that. I just chose approached closer to keep it closer to first person narrative, as opposed third person narrative to using "approached him." I'll check over it at a later time.		::*I'll keep note of that. I just chose approached closer to keep it closer to first person narrative, as opposed third person narrative to using "approached him." I'll check over it at a later time.

← Older revision		Revision as of 22:27, 16 October 2013
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	Although not even half an hour had passed since the departure from the palace, going through the trouble to suggest riding on horseback was rather typical of Ineli.		Although not even half an hour had passed since the departure from the palace, going through the trouble to suggest riding on horseback was rather typical of Ineli.
	:*I was confused by this line. I'm not sure what how long it's been since they left has to do with Ineli suggesting horseback riding. Weren't they already on horse back? If so why does the "Although not even ..." segment mention the time it has been?		:*I was confused by this line. I'm not sure what how long it's been since they left has to do with Ineli suggesting horseback riding. Weren't they already on horse back? If so why does the "Although not even ..." segment mention the time it has been?
			::*Fixed to [Not even thirty minutes ago back at the palace, the one who proposed they should go on horseback seemed to have been Ineli. "The weather finally turned nice too. Let's take a slight detour," she suggested.]

	"That won't do. If the prince had not received an invitation, then even we wouldn't be forced to meet with that boorish Rogue," The one who elatedly stuck out his tongue was Troa Hergei. Projecting himself from below the stomach of his mounted horse that left it as something to be pitied, was the young boy Baton Cadmus. In a bored tone, he began, <!--Need double-checking to see if the boy was Baton, or Troa.-->		"That won't do. If the prince had not received an invitation, then even we wouldn't be forced to meet with that boorish Rogue," The one who elatedly stuck out his tongue was Troa Hergei. Projecting himself from below the stomach of his mounted horse that left it as something to be pitied, was the young boy Baton Cadmus. In a bored tone, he began, <!--Need double-checking to see if the boy was Baton, or Troa.-->
	:* In the first half I was confused by "we wouldn't be forced". In the conversation, Troa was rejecting Orba's suggestion that Orba shouldn't have come. So why does Troa respond by saying Troa was forced to meet with Rogue (implying that it's a negative thing).		:* In the first half I was confused by "we wouldn't be forced". In the conversation, Troa was rejecting Orba's suggestion that Orba shouldn't have come. So why does Troa respond by saying Troa was forced to meet with Rogue (implying that it's a negative thing).
	::*Troa and Gil's other friends wanted to go out and play with him. Orba(Gil) needed to attend an appointed invitation to Rogue Saian's house. So Orba made them tag along with him to Saian's house. Troa most likely doesn't like him due to differences in style. He prefers a "noble" environment, whereas Rogue acts towards the unrefined areas, which he is unaccustomed to.		::*Troa and Gil's other friends wanted to go out and play with him. Orba(Gil) needed to attend an appointed invitation to Rogue Saian's house. So Orba made them tag along with him to Saian's house. Troa most likely doesn't like him due to differences in style. He prefers a "noble" environment, whereas Rogue acts towards the unrefined areas, which he is unaccustomed to. I think the sentence already portrays that, but me being the translator, it might still be unclear. Tell me if it still is, and I'll try to find a way to change it, since nothing comes to mind for me atm.
	:*Also, I'm just not sure on the meaning for the sentence "Project himself from below the stomach ... to be pitied".		:*Also, I'm just not sure on the meaning for the sentence "Project himself from below the stomach ... to be pitied".
	::*changed to "~~Stuck~~ his head out from under the horse~~...~~." By 'something to be pitied', it refers to ~~Baton(or~~ Troa~~, I'll have to double-check when I have time)~~ doing whatever he wants of the horse and treating it as his plaything.		::*changed to "....was Troa Hergei. The young boy stuck his head out from under the horse leaving it as something to be pitied." By 'something to be pitied', it refers to Troa doing whatever he wants of the horse and treating it as his plaything.

	During the course of their meal, Rogue told stories of the battlefield. He had to answer to Orba's safety above all. His other comrades were of little interest to him.		During the course of their meal, Rogue told stories of the battlefield. He had to answer to Orba's safety above all. His other comrades were of little interest to him.
	:*The last two sentences just seem a little out of place, there may not be anything wrong here. I would assume that those two sentences refer to the stories Rouge is telling (because why would he care about Gil's safety during their picnic). But there's nothing else that indicates those sentences are referring to the stories.		:*The last two sentences just seem a little out of place, there may not be anything wrong here. I would assume that those two sentences refer to the stories Rouge is telling (because why would he care about Gil's safety during their picnic). But there's nothing else that indicates those sentences are referring to the stories.
			::*I read the context all wrong because of the strange wording. 無難に答える seems to be a way of saying "to affirm, to consolidate, to confirm." Changed to "...battlefield. Orba did nothing more than attest to them. The others in their company repeatedly blurted out..."
	I've always been meaning to hear about it if I ever met brother.		I've always been meaning to hear about it if I ever met brother.
	:*Suggested change to "I've been meaning to ask about it when I met brother". "always" removed because I don't think it fits something that's only 1 month. "hear" to "ask" because I think it's more natural. And "if I ever" to "when" because I assume Ineli wasn't thinking that she might never meet him, but rather that it was just a matter of how long it would be.		:*Suggested change to "I've been meaning to ask about it when I met brother". "always" removed because I don't think it fits something that's only 1 month. "hear" to "ask" because I think it's more natural. And "if I ever" to "when" because I assume Ineli wasn't thinking that she might never meet him, but rather that it was just a matter of how long it would be.
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	The dragon fervently extended its claws between the bars of the cage.		The dragon fervently extended its claws between the bars of the cage.
	:*Suggested changed of "extended" to "thrust" as more active word choice.		:*Suggested changed of "extended" to "thrust" as more active word choice.
	::*'Extended' is weird, but 'thrust' doesn't exactly fit the contact. Changed to "The dragon fervently swung ~~out~~ its claws between the bars of the cage."		::*'Extended' is weird, but 'thrust' doesn't exactly fit the contact. Changed to "The dragon fervently swung its claws out between the bars of the cage."

	===Part 3===		===Part 3===

← Older revision		Revision as of 01:26, 12 October 2013
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	They conferred the financially well off Baton as leader, and often hung out in 'groups' around these parts.		They conferred the financially well off Baton as leader, and often hung out in 'groups' around these parts.
	:*"conferred ... Baton as leader" doesn't quite fit together . If keeping the word 'conferred' then I think it should be something like "conferred ... Baton the status of leader" so that the thing being conferred is a noun. Though you could come up with other alternatives if you changed other things.		:*"conferred ... Baton as leader" doesn't quite fit together . If keeping the word 'conferred' then I think it should be something like "conferred ... Baton the status of leader" so that the thing being conferred is a noun. Though you could come up with other alternatives if you changed other things.
			::*Will be changed as mentioned.

	In the few years from the time Oubary had down his village until he was made to become a gladiator,		In the few years from the time Oubary had down his village until he was made to become a gladiator,
	:*I think it's missing a word in "Oubary had down", or would otherwise need to be changed.		:*I think it's missing a word in "Oubary had down", or would otherwise need to be changed.
			::*should be "had burned down." Guess I thought I typed it but actually didn't.

	"I don't care if he's alive, the gun, slice his whole arm off!" <!--Not sure how to word it. "Slice his whole hand off along with the gun!" might be a better alternative-->		"I don't care if he's alive, the gun, slice his whole arm off!" <!--Not sure how to word it. "Slice his whole hand off along with the gun!" might be a better alternative-->
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	Twice, thrice he repelled the puring onslaught of daggers.		Twice, thrice he repelled the puring onslaught of daggers.
	:*I assume "puring" was meant to be "pouring", but I thought I'd double check instead of changing it myself.		:*I assume "puring" was meant to be "pouring", but I thought I'd double check instead of changing it myself.
			::*Right, it should be pouring.

	A colour of surprise and impatience suspended on the dirt-covered mens' faces.		A colour of surprise and impatience suspended on the dirt-covered mens' faces.
	:*I think "suspended" should be changed to something like "showed", "hung", or "appeared", depending on the intended meaning/style. Also, "colour of suprise" seems like a bit unusual word choice, but I suspect it might have been choosen to match the original.		:*I think "suspended" should be changed to something like "showed", "hung", or "appeared", depending on the intended meaning/style. Also, "colour of suprise" seems like a bit unusual word choice, but I suspect it might have been choosen to match the original.
			::*Yep, it's according to how it was used in the raws. It's unusual, I agree, but not incomprehensible, so I kept it as is.

	and with the dagger in his back, stabbed the man in the chest with his left.		and with the dagger in his back, stabbed the man in the chest with his left.
	:*Suggested change of "in his back" to "on his back" (or "strapped to his back"). "In" makes it sound a little like he had been stabbed.		:*Suggested change of "in his back" to "on his back" (or "strapped to his back"). "In" makes it sound a little like he had been stabbed.
			::*Will changed to "strapped to his back"

	The matter regarding the aforementioned 'Raira' weighed on Orba's mind.		The matter regarding the aforementioned 'Raira' weighed on Orba's mind.
	:*I'm guessing the spelling was changed to reflect that the original used a different way of representing her name than the usual Layla. I can't speak to the issue of it as a translation, but the switch from L to R is a little jarring (I know they're often interchanged). I would propose that the single quotes (an the i instead of y if kept) would represent the difference in the original well enough, and that R could be changed to L.		:*I'm guessing the spelling was changed to reflect that the original used a different way of representing her name than the usual Layla. I can't speak to the issue of it as a translation, but the switch from L to R is a little jarring (I know they're often interchanged). I would propose that the single quotes (an the i instead of y if kept) would represent the difference in the original well enough, and that R could be changed to L.
			::*This is a mistake on my part. It should be Layla, but it seems I missed one of them.

	He indeed spoke in a refined demeanour, and yet gentle tone notwithstanding the piercing glint in his eyes.		He indeed spoke in a refined demeanour, and yet gentle tone notwithstanding the piercing glint in his eyes.
	:*The second part is currently a fragment and needs a verb. A possible revision would be "..., and yet, gentle tone notwithstanding, his eyes held a piercing glint."		:*The second part is currently a fragment and needs a verb. A possible revision would be "..., and yet, gentle tone notwithstanding, his eyes held a piercing glint."
			::*It's better off as a single sentence. "He indeed spoke with a refined demeanour and yet gentle tone, notwithstanding the piercing glint in his eyes."

	Orba began pondering, if he should falter at least once as the prince, when his thoughts were cut short.		Orba began pondering, if he should falter at least once as the prince, when his thoughts were cut short.
	:*Not sure what the middle part, "if he should falter at least once as the prince", means in this context.		:*Not sure what the middle part, "if he should falter at least once as the prince", means in this context.
			::*It should mean "As one in the prince's shoes, would the prince have faltered from this or not?" Internal debate over how he should best proceed to act as Gil.

	Or so Baton said, but it was obvious to everyone that even now, his face paled, he was terrified of what other troubles he might find himself caught up in.		Or so Baton said, but it was obvious to everyone that even now, his face paled, he was terrified of what other troubles he might find himself caught up in.
	:*The "even now, his face paled" breaks up the sentence a bit. I would suggest "obvious to everyone that, with his pale face, he was terried of"		:*The "even now, his face paled" breaks up the sentence a bit. I would suggest "obvious to everyone that, with his pale face, he was terried of"
			::*Does "....obvious to everyone that even now his paled, terrified of...." still sound weird to you? I'm just placing commas in conjunction to where they are located in the raws for personal reference, but they might be more confusing than necessary at times.


	*There are two uses of "approached closer". I would suggest removing "closer" as I think that "approach" already contains that meaning.		*There are two uses of "approached closer". I would suggest removing "closer" as I think that "approach" already contains that meaning.
			::*I'll keep note of that. I just chose approached closer to keep it closer to first person narrative, as opposed third person narrative to using "approached him." I'll check over it at a later time.