HanTsuki:Volume 4 Prologue
Prologue: The Worst Ending
Coming down from the rooftop, I just sat in the corner of the corridor. In the night, the dead quietness in the hospital made me uneasy, as if the whole world had stopped moving. Sometimes, I would wonder where I was, looking around blankly, searching for the memories in my heart, and returning to reality afterwards. When I came back to my senses, I would think about Rika. My butt on the cold and hard bed, I would just stare off to a distance, projecting Rika’s face that had embedded inside me. When I do so, I feel as if I could make Rika stay in this world. When I forget about her, it seems as if her existence would waver. Of course, this was just some idiotic fantasy of an obsessed person who would think he was the governor of someone else’s life.
I'm thinking too much.
Correct, I knew it, yet I gave my all to chase her. When we went to school, Rika smiled happily. When we took a photo in front of the door of the school, she smiled in the centre of everyone. Although I lost sight of her later, I found her in the first year’s classroom with Miyuki. Rika still smiled happily when she had to listen to Yamanishi’s boring train lectures. This was her first and only lesson. This was her first time going to school, and perhaps the last. And during the one minute that stopped, Rika held my finger, her pale face smiling, making soft sounds from her trembling lips. Painful it was, yet she gave me a smile.
Everything that comes into mind about her was her nice and gentle part. Even though she had been throwing tantrums at me all the time, and was more oftentimes angry at me than happy. Really, she was always obstinate, haughty, doing everything on a whim, the most horrible girl you could ever find. Still, in my memory, she was looking at me with a gentle smile.
I was holding the book The Thibaults. Rika’s thoughts and feelings were more important than anything to me. There was but one thing that I wished.
Not long, Rika’s smile came to my mind again. When I inserted the plate into the camera on the rooftop, she came to look at what I was doing and was delighted. She laughed to no end. But when I faced the camera towards her, she became very embarrassed. I took a shot of her embarrassed face, which then quickly became a peevish face. And of course I took a photo of that face too. Well, she had the photos of me when I was small, though.
The words Akiko told me earlier resounded in my ears again.
“Rika laughed her lungs out when she saw your photos. I’d never seen her in such joy before. Looking at her holding the photos so tight, I went to make fun of her that her face was red. In fact, her face really was red. But instead of pouting, she nodded and agreed to me. I didn’t manage to make fun of her and got myself in shame. It looks she’s really happy after all.”
Rika was still holding the photos.
Stuck on her right left was the photo of me holding my father’s leg, smiling.
Whenever I think of this, my chest would almost explode. What does I really think about her? I really thought she was more important to me than everything else in this world. If gods really came and forced me to choose between destroying the world or killing Rika, I would choose destroying the world without doubt and yelling, “Please save Rika!”
Well, I couldn’t really explain.
I don’t care what happens to the rest of the world. There is nothing to compare. If I could save Rika, I wouldn’t care how many times the world would be destroyed. Even I could destroy it with my own hands if necessary.
Now Rika was on a line, the line of life and death.
I held the book tightly, my back shivering. My body was shivering. I want to, but I couldn’t stop it. Everything in me was shivering.
“Yuichi.”
Suddenly a voice came hit me. It was Rika’s voice. I was certain she couldn’t be around me, but I just couldn’t help looking around. In that empty space I wished for Rika’s presence. The black bench’s corner was damaged, its spongy contents springing out everywhere; the linoleum was broken with gaps everywhere. All of the doors were bruised. Everything in front of me looked the same as before. Rika was nowhere to be found.
“You can start reading the book, “ Half of her face buried in the futon, Rika said, “But read it slowly.”
Sounds are leaking from my throat. Gi…I couldn’t stop it. Gi…go…My eyes were turning hot. My lips were trembling. My hands too. I bended my body around the book called The Thibaults and rubbed my face against the bed. Hey, Natsume. I’m asking you. Save Rika. If you do so, I’m willing to be your slave for the rest of my life. I’m willing to hear whatever you ask of me. Even if you beat the shit out of me, I won’t give a grudge. If you ask me to buy cigarettes for you, I’d go buy for you like a pekingese dog. So please save her. Please. By all means save her.
Thoughts kept flashing, wiping everything away, my heart, my feelings. Burn them away. I stared at a point in the room, bearing no emotions whatsoever.
And then the operation was over.
“Perhaps, this is the worst ending.”
Natsume spoke as he got out of the operation room.
“Really, the worst for you, Ezaki.”
In my head I repeated the words he spew again and again. I scratched my head off to know what he meant, to infer his implications. But like facing a mathematical equation you haven’t learnt before, you won’t know how to tackler it, let alone solve it.
Natsume locked his eyes on me.
His eyes were very dark.
He was sympathising with me.
“The worst ending…?”
Suddenly it became noisy that stopped my words at my throat. Several people rushed out of the operation room, and some others rushed in. Someone was shouting. And then I could hear laughter, which infuriated me. Why are they laughing? Hey. What’s so funny now? My anger converted to energy that made me puke the words that had been stuck in my throat.
“What do you mean by the worst ending?”
Even though it was my own voice, I couldn’t hear it. Who was jabbering around? Was it really me?
“Did the operation fail?”
Natsume shook his head.
“No. It ran smoothly.”
“What.”
“We did what we had to. Perhaps we couldn’t do a better job than this next time. But we still have to check on her condition for now. This is what operations are about. We need about one or two days to be safe. If she’s still alive by then, then we can call this a success.”
Success.
This was what I wished for.
Success.
I wished for this other than everything.
But the words that were laid upon me were attached with thorns. Even though I didn’t know the real reason, I was looking at Natsume’s face absentmindedly. He looked at me too, without turning away. He looked into my eyes, into its depths. In his eyes, there was no hope, nor was their despair. There was nothing but sympathy.
After a while, I became able to ask him.
“Well, what do you mean by that?”
Indeed, I couldn’t hear my own voice.
“What do you mean by the worst ending?”
Natsume smiled.
His smile was really sad.
“You’ll understand pretty soon. You’ll understand even if you don’t want to.”
Then Natsume walked past me.
I turned around and shouted at his back.
“What’s that supposed to mean!”
But that voice was covered by an even louder voice. All of a sudden, several men ran out of the operation room and circled Natsume. They were all very excited. They exploded the corridor with loud voices that didn’t quit suit a hospital: You’re the best, Doctor Natsume. I’m greatly touched. I’ve never seen someone who did such a great operation so quick! We heard great news about you before. You’re a waste here. Come back to the hospital department! Now it isn’t as good as it was. Well, there is always a way. We can persuade some of the higher-ups to get you in, Doctor Natsume…
None of them paid attention to me. Maybe no one even noticed me. Being surrounded by so many excited young doctors, Natsume just walked forward silently with his back lifted up, giving those doctors cold treatment. Only I, could notice his loneliness, for I was being in that same loneliness.
I looked back at the door of the operation room.
Rika was still living.
I hadn’t yet lost Rika.
Had I?
I didn’t lose her, did I?
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