Kara no kyoukai:Chapter04 01

／1

This place is dark, and the floor is pitch black.

When I realized that the only thing around me was the darkness, I accepted the fact that I was dead.

I'm floating in a sea with no light or sound. Naked, without anything to cover her, the human being called Ryougi Shiki is sinking into the depths.

There's no light here. No, I suspect I never fell in the first place.

Since there's nothing here.

It's not just that there's no light, there isn't even any darkness. Since there is nothing here nothing is visible. There is no meaning to the concept of falling.

Inside the 「　　」within which even form is meaningless, just my body keeps sinking. The naked me, I'm a poisonous shade which makes me want to turn my eyes away. Because everything 「here」 bears such a poisonous aura.

"--- This is death."

Even the sound of my muttering seems like a dream.

◇

Then, I observe something like "time". Time has no meaning inside「　　」, but I become able to observe it.

As naturally as flowing water, as grossly as putrefaction, I am just marking time.

There is nothing here.

Even if I keep continuously looking in the distance, I can't see anything.

Even if I keep waiting continuously for something, I can't see anything.

It's very nice and peaceful.

No --- Since nothing has meaning, just 「being」here makes everything perfect.

This is death.

The world which only the dead can reach. The world which the living cannot see.

But, I'm still alive ---.

I thought I would lose my mind.

For two years I sat there in the midst of the concept called "death". Rather then observation, it was closer to the struggle of battle.

◇

With the arrival of morning, the hospital slowly comes alive. The footsteps of the nurses traversing the corridors and the noise of the patients waking up and going about their own business is repeated many-fold. Compared to the silence during the night the bustle of the morning makes me feel like I'm at a festival.

For the recently woken me, the riotous noise is too much.

Thankfully, my ward is a private room. It's noisy outside, but at least inside this box it's calm and quiet.

Not much later, a doctor comes to examine me.

"How do you feel, Ryougi-san?"

"--- Well, I'm not really sure."

At my emotionless reply, the doctor shuts up as if he's perplexed.

"... Really? At least you seem calmer than yesterday. It might be troubling for you, but I'll explain your current situation. If you don't like what I'm saying, don't hesitate to tell me."

I replied to the doctor's words with silence. I don't have any interest in such obvious stories.

I think he mistook that as a sign of acceptance.

"In that case, I'll make it brief. Today is the fourteenth of June, 1998. You, Ryougi Shiki, were involved in a nighttime traffic accident on the fifth of March two years ago and were brought here to this hospital. The accident involved you being hit by a car while on a pedestrian crossing. Do you remember?"

"..."

I don't reply. --- I don't know that sort of thing. The last image I can take off that shelf called "memory" is that of my classmate standing dumbly in the rain. I can't remember anything like how I got into an accident.

"Ah, it's alright if you can't remember. We think that just before you got hit by the car, you realized the danger and tried to evade it. Thanks to that, the injuries to your body weren't serious.
In exchange, we suspect that you received a hard shock to your head. You were already in a coma by the time you arrived at our hospital, but luckily your brain itself wasn't injured. So, the reason you can't remember is probably the confusion brought about by being in a coma for two years. It should only be temporary, as during last night's examination we didn't find any abnormalities in your brainwaves.
Your memories should slowly come back, but I can't guarantee that it will definitely happen. First and foremost, the very fact that you recovered from your comatose state is a miracle in itself."

Even if he says it's been two years, it doesn't feel real to me. To the sleeping Ryougi Shiki, that blank space is close to nothingness.

To the being called Ryougi Shiki, yesterday is definitely that rainy night two years ago.

But that isn't how I feel at all.

To the current me, yesterday is 「nothing」.

"Oh, and the injury to your eyes isn't so serious either. Injuries caused by blunt weapons are among the least serious eye injuries you tend to see. It's a relief that there weren't any knives or similar objects in your proximity last night. We are going to take the bandages off soon as well. You'll have to leave looking at the scenery outside for another week or so."

I get the feeling that there is a sense of reproach mixed somewhere into the doctor's words.

He's probably nervous because of my attempt to destroy my own eyes. Last night he kept asking me why I did such a thing; I didn't give him an answer.

"From now on we will be doing rehabilitation exercises in the mornings and afternoons. In regard to visits from your family, I'm afraid one hour will be the limit. You can leave as soon as you recover your body and mind's equilibrium. It will be hard, but please try your best."

As I expected, his words ruin my mood.

Tired of poking fun at the doctor, I try moving my right hand. ...My body doesn't feel like my own. Just moving takes time and my joints and muscles hurt as if they are being pulverized.

Of course, it's only to be expected after not using them for two years.

"Well, that's it for this morning. Since it seems that you've calmed down, I won't call a nurse. If you need anything, press that button near your pillow. There's always a nurse standing by in the room next door, so don't hesitate to use it, even for small things."

Soft words.

If I could see, I would be able to observe the doctor's instantaneous smile.

The doctor gets up to leave, but stops at the door and adds something, as if he just remembered.

"Oh yes. A counselor is going to come starting tomorrow. Since she's not much older than you, please talk freely with her. Right now, what you need most to aid your recovery is conversation.

And so I was left alone.

I lay back on the hospital bed, just lying there blankly with arms wrapped around the eyes I had closed myself.

"My name ---".

I said with dry lips.

"Ryougi Shiki".

But no such person exists here.

Because the two years of nothingness killed me.

I can remember clearly all the memories of growing up as Ryougi Shiki. But what does that matter? What are such memories to me, who died and came back to life?

The two years of emptiness completely disconnect the me of the past and the me of the present.

I'm definitely Ryougi Shiki, not someone else. But the memories of the past, I can't feel that they are mine.

To the resurrected me, it's only as if I'm seeing a movie of the life of a person called Ryougi Shiki. I can't think of the movie's main character as being me.

"It's as if I'm a ghost caught on film".

I bite my lips.

I don't know me.

I'm not sure whether I really am Ryougi Shiki.

I feel like a human who doesn't know their own identity.

This shell of a body is empty; it feels like a cave.

Even the air passes through, like the wind.

I don't know the cause, but it really feels like a huge hole has been punched into my chest.

It's so unsettling, --- indeed it's lonely.

My heart is a misplaced puzzle piece. Inside that empty space, this feather-like me can't stand it.

It's so empty that I can't even find a reason to keep living.

"But --- so what if it is like that, Shiki?"

It's really not such a big deal.

It's fascinating --- this unsettling feeling and nervousness that makes me grasp my chest, I don't feel that it's either agonizing or sad.

There's anxiety. There's pain.

But that's all something the child called Ryougi Shiki is holding onto.

I'm just apathetic. Even that fact that I've come back to life after two years fails to move me.

I'm just swaying with the wind and wandering here and there.

Without being able to feel that I'm actually alive.

Go back to Previous Section

Return to Main Page

Move to Next Section