Maria-sama ga Miteru:Volume3 Chapter8

The last flower of winter, and then

Part 1.

I didn't feel like doing anything, after that day.

My compulsion to study for Shiori vanished, so of course, my attitude in class became horrible and I don't need to explain my quiz scores.

I was called to the staff room numerous times, asked to explain what was going on. My behavior wasn't good to begin with, and I was never very harmonious with my classmates, but the moment my grades fell apart, the teachers turned around began trying to "guide" me, and it disgusted me.

If I could answer, my grades fell apart because I broke up with the first-year student Kubo Shiori, the teachers would probably be surprised. While I was being lectured, I just thought about that sort of thing. If I actually paid attention to things like "you have the talent to do well," my ears would rot.

Of course, reality and daydreams were different, so I never said a word about Shiori. My grades were a result of my own profligacy.

Even if we never met, I couldn't forget about Shiori. Youko must be satisfied, knowing that we fought, and broke up. But my feelings contradicted our physical separation, and I yearned longingly for her.

The second semester exams ended, and one day in the following exam break. I received a summons from school.

I didn't want to go to school during the break, but my mom paled at hearing about my being summoned and forced me into the car.

I braced myself for receiving a lecture about my exam grades being bad, but it felt wrong. Because it was during the break, and I was summoned along with my mother, so it had to be something far more serious.

My mother and I were lead to the guidance office, a solemn room next to the staff room. I felt goose-bumps when I saw who were waiting: my middle-aged male homeroom teacher, the young female homeroom teacher for the first-year pine class, and two sisters. One was the guidance office sister, and the other was the school principal.

When I saw Shiori's homeroom teacher, I felt like I knew what was coming. Today's discussion wouldn't be solely about my grades. I didn't know how they found out, but it was evident Shiori and I's relationship was an issue.

When we walked in, the door was closed, and locked from inside. So I knew Shiori wasn't going to be called today. Perhaps she'd already been called, a different time. But I couldn't speak Shiori's name and ask. Rather than be apathetic, as usual, I felt obligated to pay attention to everything.

After greetings, the homeroom teacher pulled out my semester grades and my attendance records and showed them to my mother.

My mother thought I was an honor student, I guess, because she shrieked when she saw them, and asked if there was a mistake.

"Perhaps. After all, Satou-san was originally a model student."

After scaring my mother, the homeroom teacher began praising me. A person who's going to lead the student council next year, a person with many honor-student friends. And then he said there seemed to be a reason why I turned downhill, and he mentioned Shiori's name.

The way I saw it, it felt like he protected his teaching skills, laying down the first strike by mentioning her name. Like she was a witch, he spoke her name like the name of evil. He probably couldn't think of any reason other than Shiori.

"Is that true, Sei-chan?"

My mother yelled, hysterical.

"It's not Shiori's fault."

I spoke not to my mother, not to my homeroom teacher, but to the principal. No one else mattered to me except the principal, who knew about Shiori.

"I don't understand why you have to link Shiori and my grades. If anything went wrong, it was all my fault, not Shiori."

"Kubo Shiori said the same. That it was her fault, not yours."

The principal seemed to know everything. But she still called me here, with my mother.

For the first time, I regretted my shallowness. Even if I broke up with Shiori, I should have paid attention in class. As long as I was an honor student, my homeroom teacher wouldn't have squealed like this. And if he didn't, the principal wouldn't have found out. Even if she might have overlooked another student, she felt directly responsible for anything to do with Shiori, as she was supposed to be her away-from-home mother.

I tearfully defended Shiori, but the homeroom teacher simply became even more arrogant.

Shiori's homeroom teacher seemed to have lost out in experience, as she simply closed her eyes, silently waiting. I grew irritated, thinking she should defend her own student.

In the end, I was released, just given a strict warning. They wouldn't expel me or anything just because of grades, but there was such a gap between my first and second-semester grades that they wanted to shake some sense into me. Apparently I'd barely managed to squeeze out of the red for all of my tests, and was about to break the record for the worst scores, ever.

"School life isn't just about studying, but I wonder if it's lonesome to become absorbed into one, single thing."

The principal's words felt like a finishing blow.

I understood. My mother, and other teachers and students would never understand. But the principal, she saw through Shiori and I's relationship.

I didn't know what was going to happen to me, starting tomorrow.

Part 2.

When I got home, I called Shiori's dorm. At first, my mother was too agitated and ranted insults at Shiori, but after a while she seemed to have finished venting and let me return to my room. I was too tired to care.

Shiori was not at the dorm. She'd requested a leave of absence two days ago, and hadn't returned since.

I then called the convent at Lillian. But they told me Shiori hadn't come. At that point, I had no idea where Shiori could be. I was at a dead end. I didn't know how to get in touch with her relatives in Nagasaki.

I just wanted to hear Shiori's bright voice. Even if she coldly hung up, if I could apologize for making her go through all this, I would have been satisfied.

I called the dorm every day, asking whether Shiori's returned, or if they knew where she went, but I couldn't even find out where she was, much less get in contact with her. And the closing ceremony in preparation for winter vacation came.

I expected it. My grades were considerably worse than they were during first semester. At Lillian, we were to have a Mass at noon, and the speaker was a guest Father from outside. It wasn't obligatory, so we were free to attend or not at our own accord, but I headed toward the sanctuary in the hopes of seeing Shiori. If she'd come to school, she'd definitely show up at Mass.

I was a lot more discrete than I thought I would be. The danger of bothering Shiori with anything I did suppressed my wildness.

As I expected, Shiori was at Mass. She sat near the front, with a serene look.

I took my distance and gazed at her. I was moved by her peaceful look. To me, Shiori looked closer to God than the Father.

Youko came to my class to invite me to the Rose Mansion. They were going to have a Christmas party.

"Rei-chan said she baked some cookies. That might be reason enough to stop by, I think."

"Yes…"

I'll go if I feel like it, I told her, and I left her.

"We'll be waiting."

Youko's voiced seemed to splatter against my back.

Still wearing my indoor shoes, I ran to the sanctuary. We'd made no promises or anything, but I felt like I would see Shiori there.

Shiori was waiting for me, leaning against the sanctuary.

"Sorry to keep you waiting."

Shiori looked up when I spoke, and she into my arms surprisingly naturally.

"Shiori?"

I was confused, feeling a mix of happiness and surprise, and I pulled her to the back of the sanctuary, where less people were to come.

And then we kissed, and I don't know if one of us lead the other. It was like we were communicating to each other our feelings, feelings that were too complex to describe with words.

"I kept thinking of you, when we were apart… even while I was praying, I kept thinking of you. I didn't know why it turned out like this… and I felt pathetic."

After calming down, Shiori began talking. About how she'd stayed at the principal's room in the convent during the break. About how she met with her uncle, who came to Tokyo, and how they spoke about the future.

"The principal figured out what was between us, and she was greatly worried. She was vehement about me not taking a misstep. I understood what she tried to say, and I thought I shouldn't be with you, and I promised with her, that I wouldn't see you again, but it was no good."

The dam broke the moment we saw each other. We were swept along by a great wave, not knowing where we would land. It took our all to hold onto each other's hand, so that we wouldn't lose sight of each other, no matter where we ended up.

"What's going to happen to us?"

"I don't know."

But we knew we'd be torn apart, at this rate. We became lonely all of a sudden, and embraced each other tightly. Feeling each other's warmth and heart beats, we calmed down, eased by knowing we weren't alone.

"Shiori, let's run away."

I must have thought about that, long ago. That we would have to throw away our current lifestyle and build ourselves a fresh home.

"… What?"

"Don't worry, we'll be okay, I know it. Let's live together, where no one can interfere."

"Live…?"

"Yes."

I asked Shiori if she didn't want to. If she didn't want to go with me.

"Of course I wouldn't. I'll go anywhere with you, Sei. But-"

I placed my index finger on Shiori's lips.

"We can."

There was no way of knowing if we can or can't without at least trying. I didn't want to give up before we tried.

"Bring the minimal amount of things you need. Let's go now."

I wanted to run away with Shiori right there and then. I knew deep down that if we took too long, our resolve would wither. Running away from home was something you had to do through momentum, I thought.

But reality came with its own set of problems, like needing to change out of our uniforms to stand out less, and we had to find out where to run, and how much money it would take. So I had to go home once, too, and grab my cash card.

Paying heed to being seen, we decided to leave the campus separately. And we'd meet up in the evening with our belongings.

"Okay."

Shiori and I split up behind the sanctuary.

"See you."

Shiori waved her hand slightly and watched me return to the campus.

See you.

I'll never forget that smile.

I whole-heartedly believed that I would see that smile again, a few hours later. I had no reason to doubt it.

Part 3.

I arrived at the meeting place 40 minutes earlier than we'd decided.

At the 3rd and 4th line platform of M Station. We picked the closest point of the advance direction, so we'd see each other easily.

Shiori wasn't there yet.

I backtracked a bit and sat down on a bench and looked at the timetable I'd bought at the station building. There was only one set of stairs to get to this station, so Shiori would have to pass by this bench.

I even wore a wristwatch today, despite how much I hated keeping track of time, and waited for Shiori.

But I didn't dislike the time I spent waiting for Shiori. Contrary to that, I actually enjoyed it.

We'd have to discuss where we'd go, first. We'd put marks on the timetable, finding the furthest places we could go without having to change trains, and think about the possibility of stepping off at Shinjuku Station or Tokyo Station, and as I mulled over those things, the time we'd decided on came.

I closed the timetable and placed it in my bag. It'd be a pain if my mother became suspicious, so I only carried enough to make me look like I was going shopping. I had a change of underwear and my passport and identification, so I could just buy whatever else I needed.

I lied, saying I was going to the Christmas party with the Yamayurikai, and left home. My mother didn't object, because I was supposed to go be with my trusted onee-sama and Youko, who was well-received by adults.

Don't be too late, and have fun-. Her send-off made me feel a bit bad.

The orange-colored train stopped in front of me, and like a deep sigh, unloaded passengers, then swallowed other passengers and ran off toward the east. In the space of a few minutes, I saw this scene repeat itself.

Sometimes I'd see salary men carrying big, square boxes. Oh yeah, today's Christmas Eve. The trees around the south-end of the station were decorated with lighting, and it looked brilliant, as if the normally plain scene had been brushed up with make-up.

They knew the trains would be jam-packed, they could just buy the cake after they got off-. I felt exasperated, and looked at my watch.

Five twelve.

(Christmas cake.)

I hated the decorations, like the fir trees, the cabins, the angels, those things that embroidered Christmas cakes. I also hated the chocolate plates that read Merry Christmas. That's why my father always elected to order a cake weeks in advance, keeping in mind all of my dislikes, and had it carefully delivered.

But we'd stopped doing Christmas parties. After taking hold of a new company three years ago, my father had become busy, and I wasn't childish enough to eagerly await cake.

Even when it became five fourty, Shiori didn't show up.

They'd picked the time, giving ample room to prepare. So she was definitely late.

Maybe the roads were packed because of Christmas Eve, delaying her bus. Or maybe she forgot where we were supposed to meet.

Just in case, I walked across the platform. As I walked, I peeked into the first and second platform as well as the fifth and sixth platform, but there was no one like Shiori.

Maybe she was delayed by the principal. Restless, I picked up the receiver at a nearby public phone. I remembered the phone number to the convent, as I'd called it so many times during the break.

Thinking they might deliberately hide her from me, I used her classmate Sachiko's name. But around four, Shiori had politely told them she was stepping out.

Without dropping the receiver, I called her dorm. If she'd left at four, she should be here by now. Maybe Shiori forgot something important and backtracked to her dorm.

But Shiori wasn't there. But I found out she hadn't taken a quick leave, but had vacated the dorm completely.

I didn't remember anything about preparing to go somewhere.

Then, why?

She left her dorm, and she vacated the convent, where was Shiori trying to go?

And where was she now?

Time mercilessly kept ticking away, and it became seven.

I thought, Shiori wasn't going to come anymore.

But I couldn't leave the platform because I held a sliver of hope. Maybe Shiori would come walking down those stairs. I couldn't let myself give up.

Even though I could guess she wouldn't come, I didn't know why.

Maybe she changed her mind, or maybe an accident befell her. My mind was on verge of short-circuiting.

Everything was becoming such a pain. I wanted to disappear, today. I don't need tomorrow. Having nowhere to go, I kept sitting on the bench.

Once by a drunkard, once by the security guard, I was okay when they spoke to me, but when two office lady-ish women stopped and asked, "Are you feeling okay?" I was on the verge of tears.

"I'm alright, I'm waiting for a friend."

I answered, holding back tears. I wished they would just go away. I knew if I started crying, I wouldn't be able to stop.

"I guess it's a penalty game?"

Maybe they were a bit drunk, because they happily joked to each other as they went to the wickets. It felt cold, and I wrapped my arms around myself. I pulled my legs to myself, lowered my chin, and tried to make myself less wind-resistant, but the cold never went away. Even the coat, which I'd coaxed out of my parents in the stead of a birthday and Christmas present, with its thick material couldn't warm me. I needed the warmth of Shiori's hands.

I closed my eyes. I wanted to see Shiori, even if it was just a dream.

I woke up, feeling someone touch my shoulder.

I was groggy. I'd lost track of time.

I first started to glance at my watch, but I turned it up instead. Whoever had shaken me away was still standing over me.

"It's past eleven. I don't think you can get out of Tokyo anymore tonight, can you?"

Looked amazed, my onee-sama stood over me, smiling lightly.

"Why…"

"I came to pick you up, in Shiori-san's stead."

"Shiori!?"

I looked around. I was hallucinating, just from hearing her name.

"Shiori-san isn't here. Shiori-san said she's not going with you."

"Lies! Someone hid Shiori, didn't they!? Where is she? I'll save her!"

I was confused, and kept searching for Shiori on the platform.

"No one hid her. She chose her path herself."

Onee-sama took a leaflet out of her pocket and handed it to me. Impatiently unfolding the neatly folded sheet with my numbed fingers, I realized it was written with Shiori's handwriting.

The first line threw me into a pit of despair.

"I'm sorry. I can't go with you."

It proved Shiori had chosen it on her own will. The letter spanned several sheets, ripped out of her notebook, and spelled out Shiori's feelings completely. I read through all of her words once, but I couldn't understand them. All I knew was that Shiori had cast me aside. That was all.

"Shiori-san came to the station once. She saw you sitting here on the platform once, and then realized she couldn't go with you."

"If she came… why didn't she tell me 'I can't go' directly?"

If she told me directly, maybe I could take it. I could have understood her better than hearing her words through paper.

"Because she might waver if she spoke to you."

"Waver?"

"Of course? No matter how mature she may seem, she's just a first-year in high school. It's an age where you're destined to sway. And the same goes for you, too."

Onee-sama grabbed my hands and said, "Let's go home." I let myself be embraced by onee-sama, and we climbed the stairs, and passed the wickets.

"Is Shiori going somewhere?"

"Yes. Far away. She discussed it with the principal over the break, and decided to transfer. She already departed."

From this station-. Onee-sama told me, and turned me around to face the station.

What was I doing then. I might have been dreaming about what we would do together, not knowing it would end like this.

"It's my fault…"

A single tear rolled down my cheek, even though I'd been trying so hard not to.

"It's a result she consented to."

Uneasiness, despair, loneliness, anger, onee-sama caught all of the motions pouring out of me at once. Unable to stop myself, I kept crying in onee-sama's chest.

"But, if she'd never met me-"

Shiori might have lived peacefully at Lillian for three years.

"Maybe. But it was a good thing you two met. Life is a lesson. As long as you think, it's a good thing we met, in the future, it's alright."

"That sort of future will never come."

"Don't worry. It's not like you died. Wounds heal, over time."

But I felt like I'd died. Because Shiori was no longer by my side.

We went to the southern exit. The illuminations glittered through my tears, like the night stars.

"But I'm here for you, am I not?"

"What?"

"Oh dear, did you really think I only loved your face?"

I was so surprised by onee-sama's words that, for an instant, I stopped crying.

"… No?"

"How rude. That was just a way of not being a burden to you. After all, I've always been good at handling you, you know this."

"But onee-sama will graduate."

"But I'm not the only one worried about you. See?"

Youko was standing where she pointed. Standing in front of a 24-7 family restaurant and warming her hands with her breath, Youko looked up, noticing us coming.

"Oh, Youko-chan, she must have gone stupid worrying about you, I told her to wait inside the store."

Onee-sama cackled.

That Youko trotted over and just glared at me, wordlessly.

"Sorry, for making you worry."

For once, I was honest. Because I knew from her face how much I'd worried her.

"Seriously."

Youko looked relieved, took a small pouch from her pocket, and stuffed what was in it into my mouth.

"Rei-chan's cookie."

The cookies she said were worthwhile enough to stop by the party for.

"… Mm."

They weren't freshly baked, but because they'd been in her pocket, they were warm. It melted sweetly in my tear-filled mouth, and it felt so delicious I started crying again.

"Let's go, then."

Onee-sama wrapped an arm around Youko, too, and began walking.

"Where?"

"My house. I already called Sei's mother to tell her you were staying over. Let's re-do the party, with the three of us."

"What…"

"No complaining. Onee-sama's orders are to be immediately followed. A fun winter vacation starts tomorrow, so let's party silently into the night."

I'll never be a match for onee-sama, my whole life, I thought.

Even if I'd gone home, I wouldn't be able to sleep in my cold bed.

The wound of losing Shiori was big and deep, but that there was someone by my side, trying to understand me, I wondered how much of a comfort that was.

As we were talking past the roadside trees, onee-sama's wristwatch alarm suddenly rang.

"Happy birthday!"

The two people other than me suddenly shouted.

Today, as of December 25, I'd become a year older.

Part 4.

I cut my hair.

It wasn't easy to cut off my feelings for Shiori, but it hurt to see the long hair that once touched Shiori.

I lopped it all off, so it felt really cold around my neck at first, but I got used to it. Just like my body, maybe my soul will get used to the cold of having no Shiori.

When the new semester rolled around, onee-sama dragged me off from one place to another, giving me no rest at all working Yamayurikai duties. I'd slacked off on duties all the way through my second-year second semester, so it was like giving me an extreme, compact course on my job, and it was something I'd brought on myself. Of course, even if I became Rosa Gigantea next year, as long as Youko was Rosa Chinensis, the Lillian Girls' Academy Yamayurikai would be safe.

I was also forced to completely change how I felt about Youko.

I found out later that it was Youko that ran into Shiori at M Station, and that it was she who chased down Shiori, who was trying to vanish, and forced her to write the letter. She knew that even if Shiori vanished, I wouldn't believe onee-sama and Youko, so I thought it was a pertinent treatment. After seeing Shiori off on a bullet train, she returned to M Station and contacted onee-sama.

I never asked where Shiori went. I simply hoped she was living peacefully.

Halfway through February, I'd calmed down enough to re-read Shiori's letter.

And gradually I began to understand how Shiori felt.

For example.

"At the time, I truly wanted to live with you. But when I saw you sitting on the platform, I was overcome with distress. If I departed with you, what lay in wait at the end? I didn't want to hurt you anymore, just because I met you."

When I first read it, I was angered, because I thought Shiori leaving me was the most painful thing she could do. But that was wrong.

Even if we'd run away together, what could we do, as powerless as we were? As Shiori said, what lay in wait was probably not a bright and sunny future.

In retrospect, at the end of the road for us was probably death. At some point, I would probably have chosen to die with Shiori. And she, too, felt the same.

So I decided to live, to carry out onee-sama's words.

That wounds heal.

That the future liquidates the past.

March.

We sent off the third-years.

"Listen, okay? You're the type to get absorbed by things, so when you find something precious, make yourself take a step back."

That was onee-sama's last bit of advice for me. Onee-sama was to attend a different university come April, so if anything were to happen, I wouldn't be able to depend on her anymore.

"I behaved like a spoiled child all this time, I don't know how to repay onee-sama…"

I appreciated her, from the bottom of my heart, for taking care of such a bad child. I felt extremely gracious for everything onee-sama did for me.

"It's okay. After all, that's what an onee-sama is supposed to do. If you really want to pay me back, return it to someone else. –Like, your future sister."

"A sister? Now?"

I snickered. Having come this far, it seemed like a ridiculous notion.

"Oh?"

It might be too early to use the phrase, but onee-sama smiled like a cherry blossom.

Unable to wait for the dream-like scenery that would unfold from these trees a month later, I looked up.

I knew the blue skies, visible through the naked branches, stretched on forever and ever.

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