[Ch 5]The Melancholy of Asahina Mikuru - general rephrasings

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dogtato
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[Ch 5]The Melancholy of Asahina Mikuru - general rephrasings

Post by dogtato »

Even after many incidents happened over winter break, it still ended just as one would predict getting zero profit from the lottery. Though I met another interesting event, right after we walked through the freezing wind, only to arrive at our poorly constructed school building that actually made this cold weather even colder.
Despite the occurrence of many incidents, winter break still ended with the predictability of losing money in a lottery. Yet another interesting event awaited me right after we walked through the freezing wind to our poorly constructed school building, which managed to make this cold weather even colder.
Is he walking with someone else? "we" and, to a lesser extent, "our" seem odd
Purely from considering the failing heater in the classroom is enough to make people ponder if this classroom was made to rival the temperatures of Antarctica.
[The sight of/Seeing] the classroom's failing heater [would cause people to suspect/it seemed] that the room was being made to intentionally rival the temperatures of Antarctica.
I favor the first choice in the brackets (respectively). also, should classroom be clubroom
Occasionally I thought about skipping, but when the consequences came to mind - the girl sitting behind me in my class, staring at my back with eyes full of killer intent, any desire to skip would suddenly vanish into the air.
Occasionally I'd consider skipping, but when I thought about the consequences - the girl sitting behind me in class, staring at my back with eyes full of killing intent - any desire to skip would suddenly vanish into thin air.
the hypens are probably not the best choice
Also, Kyon's inner dialogue is all supposed to be in past tense, right?
Under these thoughts, being already at the door, I knocked out of habit. Going in without knocking has a great probability of seeing something that could only resemble Heaven. However, I would rather knock, than to have that kind of scene happen again.
While reflecting on all of this, I arrived at the door and knocked out of habit. Entering without knocking meant a high likelihood of seeing something which could be best described as Heaven. However, I would rather knock than risk having that kind of scene happen again.
I'm not sure how to end that second sentence after the word "something".
I didn't make any of these changes since I'm guessing major rewordings are considered major edits.

Also, I put this on the discussion page before going "oh, a forum" so should I delete it there? I'd follow precedent but there's not much at this point.
Last edited by dogtato on Sat May 13, 2006 5:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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onizuka-gto
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Post by onizuka-gto »

leave it at the wiki.

I will provide a link back to here.
[The sight of/Seeing] the classroom's failing heater [would cause people to suspect/it seemed] that the room was being made to intentionally rival the temperatures of Antarctica.
Don't see any problem with that change, go ahead.
dogtato
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Post by dogtato »

Haruhi shouldn't be in there either, that I can bet with my most precious treasure just under my life on that.
Haruhi shouldn't be in there either. I'd bet anything short of my life on that.
I think this has the same meaning. It's a safe bet she's not there since it's quiet.
Hence, I grabbed the doorknob with confidence, and opened the door like how I would open my own refrigerator.
Hence, I grabbed the doorknob with confidence and opened it [much like I would open/as if I were opening] my own refrigerator.
comparing it to opening a refrigerator seems odd. I haven't really noticed, but does Kyon often make wierd comparisons or does it make more sense in Japanese?
Also, "hence" is used a few times and it's kind of one of those words that stands out.
Of course, Haruhi wasn't there, Koizumi wasn't there, not even Nagato was there.
As expected, Haruhi was absent and so was Koizumi. Even Nagato wasn't there.
I had trouble making a single sentence out of this. After several tries, this seems ok.
Her impeccable body was impossible to cover up with that maid costume. Her cute and pitiable face, her hand holding a broom while sitting on the steel chair, her facial impression suggested that she was spacing out.
Her impeccable (different word might sound better) body was impossible to conceal with that maid costume. Her cute and pitiable face, her hand holding a broom while she sat on a steel chair, her facial expression which suggested that she was spacing out.
sounds off with the "hand holding a broom while sitting" but I'm no English major.
Also, on the topic of "impression"
She put the broom away into the custodian equips that were plundered, then raised her head and looked at me in a new way. This new impression was also perfect.
She put the broom back with the rest of the plundered custodial equipment and raised her head to look at me in a new way. This new expression was also perfect.
It's safe to say "into the custodian equips" should be reworded
Asahina-san gave me an impression of a lonely kitten who got left behind in the rain.
this one could be impression, but I'm inclined to think it's not based on the other two occurrences. back to the previous position...
"Hmm? Ah. Wah! Yessir!"
Yessir sounds odd. yes master? maids are always all like "hai goshujin-sama" :roll:
Her face red, moving around her broom in meaningless ways.
Her face was red and she fiddled with the broom, as if sweeping.
also thought "pretended to use the broom" or "pretending to sweep" but those more potentially vary from the original
I had to constantly remind myself not to make any moves, or else I might just lose control and rush to her and embrace her in my arms tightly.
embrace her tightly in my arms
that's minor, but debateable

this post is becoming over-long
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Haiyami
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Post by Haiyami »

speaking of this, whas the deal with the two trnaslations. They are very different.
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HolyCow
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Post by HolyCow »

I did the 2nd translation.

The first translation was done by another translator, who seems to have been KIA. Since the chapter was left without updates for almost 4 months, Oni asked me if I would like to put up a temporary preview script as the 2nd translation, since technically the other translator has the posting rights.

I translated from the chinese novel and rephrased quite a lot, so that might explain why.
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