How rough should I leave it?

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Nutcase
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How rough should I leave it?

Post by Nutcase »

Can anything be said about how grammatically precise the original text is? Even before I started reading stuff in the fan fiction section of the forum, I was wondering if I'm milling off some of the fun along with some of the original style by making the translation into over-polished, "perfect" English.

For example, consider these two versions of a line-and-a-half from "Wandering Shadow:"

Original:
For a while there I thought what incantations had Haruhi cooked up. It turned out to be ...

Current:
For a while there I wondered what sort of incantation Haruhi had cooked up. It turned out to be,,,


The original has a number mismatch between 'incantations' and 'it', and an incorrectly formatted sentence (thought) fragment as the object of Kyon's thought, a problem that can be resolved in a number of ways. Further into the paragraph there are several other issues, including an obscure 'was/were' choice, an aesthetic problem with ' ...it. It...' and some idiomatic usage stuff. None of which interfere with easy reading and comprehension.

Let me be completely clear, I'm not criticizing the job HolyCow is doing with the translation. It's a process. I like editing. I bring this up to look at what I'm doing, in the context of the original intent and execution of the author.

I know this is a complex and insubstantial issue, so even vague handwaving and half-baked reactions would be appreciated.


For reference, here's the complete original and the complete edit on the target paragraph:
Spoiler! :
Original:
For a while there I thought what incantations had Haruhi cooked up. It turned out to be nothing more than a simple Sutra of Wisdom Perfection. However, seeing Asahina-san clad in a miko costume chanting out Buddhist Scriptures made me feel uneasy, as if there was going to be divine intervention anytime soon. But now that you think of it, it would probably be better this way. Maybe the combined forces of Shinto and Buddhism would be enough to exorcise the spirits.

Current:
For a while there I wondered what sort of incantation Haruhi had cooked up. It turned out to be nothing more than a simple Sutra of Wisdom Perfection. However, seeing Asahina-san clad in a miko costume chanting out Buddhist Scriptures made me feel uneasy, as if there were going to be a divine intervention at any moment. But if you think about it, maybe this way would be better. Maybe the combined forces of Shinto and Buddhism would be enough to exorcise the spirits.
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HolyCow
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Post by HolyCow »

But if you think about it, maybe this way would be better. Maybe the combined forces of Shinto and Buddhism would be enough to exorcise the spirits.
I don't really like having two almost consecutive 'maybe's, but other than that, everything's good. 8) I know my English is kinda rusty so please bear with it ;P
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Nutcase
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Post by Nutcase »

Hey, HC Thanks for pointing out the repetiion, it had escaped my conscious attention.

I agree, avoiding that sort of repetition generally makes it more prettier. On the other hand, in the particular instance, since the second 'maybe' phrase is an amplification of the first, the repetition emphasizes the connection. The repeated 'maybe' indicates that the second phrase could be 'plugged in' to the first position without changing the sense. An 'exception that proves the rule' kind of thing. You could go to even three repetitions, hammering a point home in another rhetorical circumstance - bang, bang, BANG. Three is probably the limit.


Bowing, smiling warmly and all like that there. I'm very happy that you appreciate my contribution. I certainly appreciate yours.

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Post by HolyCow »

A repetition effect sounds good. If you're going to go for it, why not add another maybe at the end? xD
But if you think about it, maybe this way would be better. Maybe the combined forces of Shinto and Buddhism would be enough to exorcise the spirits. Maybe.
Of course I appreciate your contribution, as I'm sure everyone else does. My translations would have been to bad to read if it weren't for the editors constantly mopping it up ;P
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Post by Nutcase »

Interesting suggestion, you clearly understand my point. In the particular instance, I think it puts too much emphasis on what is just a passing thought. Kyon is shrugging off a feeling here, not flagging it. However, that is just the sort of alternative I try to sort through, an alternative not to be rejected out of hand. I do sometimes stick in words to support what I take to be the author's intent. For example (and I'm quite proud of this one):

Original:
Are you trying to pick a fight? I’ve been serious all this time. I’m not happy that something you wished for didn’t come true, and I never once did either.

Current:
Are you trying to pick a fight? I’ve been serious all this time. I’m not happy that something you wished for didn’t come true, and I never once wished against you either.

I love that line. Made my day, right there.

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Post by onizuka-gto »

So easily pleased....... :roll:
"Please note, we have added a consequence for failure.Any contact with the chamber floor will result in an unsatisfactory mark on your official test record, followed by death. Good luck."

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Post by HolyCow »

Well, Nutcase, I leave it to you to decide which is the best fit ^^

I'm terrible at grammar, so thanks for cleaning up my mess ;P
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Post by Nutcase »

Being able to please oneself is a wonderful thing, Oni-san. Of course, being able to please others is an even more wonderful thing. ;-)

The ' 1, 2 or 3 maybe' issue is more a question of aesthetics than grammar, strictly speaking. Not that it makes any difference. I'm carrying the only end of the plank I can get a grip on here.

Back when I was in school, oddly enough, English was always my weakest subject.

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