Original LN: The Paper Vampires

[nichijoudan]

Mizuki had a secret she planned to protect with an uneventful high school life. But in the first ten minutes of class, she'd been forgotten in the hallway by the teacher and she'd even punched a boy in the face! A face covered in terrible scars.
Read the first two chapters (at Scribd)

This story is heavily adapted from a manuscript I submitted years ago. The first one to get "rejected, but not completely" rejected. They'd have accepted it if I changed everything about the story. Which I've done myself with this adaption... Oh well. It's a little off-the-wall from my usual work anyway.

About half the story is written, but I haven't edited most of it, so I'm only presenting the first couple chapters right now. I write in short burst chapters, so the first two chapters cover only four pages.

Sharpen your knives, folks.

[Rajikai]

I read it senpai! I noticed a few mistakes here and there. As you will come to notice, I'm lazy, so I will not post them up. But with your abilities, you might notice the obvious ones.
Review on the story line: Seems like it will be a Beauty and the Beast sort of thing, however, to early to tell.

[nichijoudan]

I read it senpai! I noticed a few mistakes here and there. As you will come to notice, I'm lazy, so I will not post them up. But with your abilities, you might notice the obvious ones.

Thanks. I haven't proofread my own work in years, nor was I any good when I did. If you see mistakes, they are mistakes I didn't see. I don't get a fancy editor this time around.

[Rajikai]

I don't mind showing you the mistakes, but it would be a week+ before I get around to it. It's best not wait for me.
Plus, I think you are better than me, so anything I see, you should be easily able to see it. About not being good. I think it's just a skill one needs to practice on. If your crap now, in a matter of time, you'll jump to amazing.

[ShadowZeroHeart]

Some of the English seemed weird, but most importantly, the last part is really awkward. The words "in the middle of" appeared 4 times in 3 lines, in a single paragraph. Its confusing and doesn't have much meaning to its uses.

Story overall seems confusing and rather strange. Too much is left unexplained. With the first chapter called "Nakahara-sensei~~! fight!" I suppose that Mizuki does know Nakahara-sensei? A sudden change of scene into a fighting ring was hardly noticeable nor predictable. Furthermore, I am quite sure the scene did not actually happen. So it was all in her mind, yet later on, this Nakahara-sensei does seem to exist in Chapter 2, which makes it all messy and confusing, making it hard to picture what actually happened unless you re-read it all a few times to try to understand.

Next, the start of Chapter 2 is strange as well. Think about it, if you punched someone, especially if you are apologetic, you would definitely look at his face. Maybe not at his eye, but you would at least look at his face to see the damage you did. Not to forget the guy's actions are awfully strange as well. How many people would worry about a stranger that just punched you in the face without a care in the world?

"Moved to tears" I believe, is not used the way you did. Seriously...



If you ask me, I would believe you are starting this story, picturing it in your mind as a video or anime or something. This is good, as it gives you a vivid image of what you want. However, you are not bringing it to the audience well enough, you need better descriptions or indications, as your story seems to make it hard to differentiate what is her "imagination" and what is going on in "reality". While it is possible to mix the two up, you MUST clearly indicate when reality comes back to the story. Its too confusing otherwise.

[nichijoudan]

I don't mind showing you the mistakes

Don't worry about it. When/if I finish the story, I'll pay an editor to proofread and edit the story. I don't have the time to do both before the summer.

Nakahara-sensei

Does Nakahara-sensei exist? In the second chapter, Mizuki doesn't see the exchange between the two teachers, nor does she recognize the teacher during the time the teacher walked by her field of vision. Is it more enjoyable to you that Mizuki made up a name in Chapter 1 only for there to be a teacher named that in chapter 2? Is that the joke? Or is Mizuki's flight of fancy fantasy as she tries to escape her self-aggravating situation more to your liking? You decide. This is how literary minimalism works.

Too much is left unexplained.

You won't like the rest of the story if you can't handle a story with pieces missing; an integral part of literary minimalism. The main purpose of a litmal story is to leave pieces out that the reader fills in how they please. Is Mizuki insane? Does much of the story actually happen? Is there a Nakahara-sensei? Is her face really beaten and bruised? Is she actually in a boxing ring when all the story does is overlay some of the sounds of boxing for metaphorical references to the struggles of women in the workplace? Were they actually metaphorical references? Was any of that relevant and it's more fun to imagine Nakahara-sensei going toe to toe with the Principal in a boxing ring who still sits at his desk staring out the window? As stated already, you decide.

And no, it's not my job to explicitly state anything, litmal story or otherwise. Certainly not in a story where the sanity of the main character will come into question. To put it another way, you being confused at the beginning of the story might be what I want. If you can't handle it, don't read anymore. Or learn to let go and have more fun with the story. Unless you aren't interested in the story itself, then I can't help you and wouldn't begrudge you not reading it.

When "in the middle of" you "in the middle of" put "in the middle of" stuff "in the middle of" around "in the middle of" stuff "in the middle of" a "in the middle of" pattern "in the middle of" emerges.

The purpose of overly padded paragraphs is to slow time, and the reader, without blatantly stating that's what you're doing as the writer. Saying "Mizuki turned and as she did time slowed" is a terrible piece of prose. By repeating the same phrase, it devalues that phrase making the rest of the paragraph more important because those pieces stand out. And if you ask professional editors whether they'd want "and time fell to a crawl" or a long convoluted paragraph, they'll go with the second option every time. All that being said, I'll surely rework the paragraph over time, but it'll always be a convoluted paragraph given its purpose and intent.

Think about it, if you punched someone, especially if you are apologetic, you would definitely look at his face. Maybe not at his eye, but you would at least look at his face to see the damage you did. Not to forget the guy's actions are awfully strange as well. How many people would worry about a stranger that just punched you in the face without a care in the world?

You got me here. Though the question is answered in the next chapter and in more detail later in the story, the plot hole should at least be lampshaded until it can be properly put into context. Though even if lampshaded, she won't have looked him in the eye, nor will he have said anything else. She's neurotic and he's toying with her. (Since you can't read the next chapters (yet)).

If I never explained the gap, then it would be bad writing. And since for you the story ends at chapter two, it certainly has the appearance of bad writing. Still, not lampshading the gap was a genuine fault of mine. In fact, thinking about her internal dialogue wondering why he wouldn't react like a normal person adds quite a bit of value to the chapter. So thanks for pointing it out.

"Moved to tears" I believe, is not used the way you did.

The phrase carries no implied positive connotations as it is a contextual phrase. You can be moved to tear if your lover dies. Or if your brother whom everyone thought had died in Iraq is found alive. Or if your son is born. Or your wife is killed. Or your toe stubbed. Or your food is delicious. Or terrible.

All in all, good critique.

[ShadowZeroHeart]

Nakahara-sensei

Does Nakahara-sensei exist? In the second chapter, Mizuki doesn't see the exchange between the two teachers, nor does she recognize the teacher during the time the teacher walked by her field of vision. Is it more enjoyable to you that Mizuki made up a name in Chapter 1 only for there to be a teacher named that in chapter 2? Is that the joke? Or is Mizuki's flight of fancy fantasy as she tries to escape her self-aggravating situation more to your liking? You decide. This is how literary minimalism works.

Too much is left unexplained.

You won't like the rest of the story if you can't handle a story with pieces missing; an integral part of literary minimalism. The main purpose of a litmal story is to leave pieces out that the reader fills in how they please. Is Mizuki insane? Does much of the story actually happen? Is there a Nakahara-sensei? Is her face really beaten and bruised? Is she actually in a boxing ring when all the story does is overlay some of the sounds of boxing for metaphorical references to the struggles of women in the workplace? Were they actually metaphorical references? Was any of that relevant and it's more fun to imagine Nakahara-sensei going toe to toe with the Principal in a boxing ring who still sits at his desk staring out the window? As stated already, you decide.

And no, it's not my job to explicitly state anything, litmal story or otherwise. Certainly not in a story where the sanity of the main character will come into question. To put it another way, you being confused at the beginning of the story might be what I want. If you can't handle it, don't read anymore. Or learn to let go and have more fun with the story. Unless you aren't interested in the story itself, then I can't help you and wouldn't begrudge you not reading it.

When "in the middle of" you "in the middle of" put "in the middle of" stuff "in the middle of" around "in the middle of" stuff "in the middle of" a "in the middle of" pattern "in the middle of" emerges.

The purpose of overly padded paragraphs is to slow time, and the reader, without blatantly stating that's what you're doing as the writer. Saying "Mizuki turned and as she did time slowed" is a terrible piece of prose. By repeating the same phrase, it devalues that phrase making the rest of the paragraph more important because those pieces stand out. And if you ask professional editors whether they'd want "and time fell to a crawl" or a long convoluted paragraph, they'll go with the second option every time. All that being said, I'll surely rework the paragraph over time, but it'll always be a convoluted paragraph given its purpose and intent.

Regarding the unexplained part, I was thinking about both the Nakahara-sensei part, as well as the boxing scene. Since you said that the Nakahara confusion is intended, then its fine. However, I would still think you should give a bit more description on the boxing ring, because when I first read it, I took it metaphorically, and it took me another read just to realize that you placed the entire stage in a boxing ring.

Literal minimalism is fine, but it should still guide the reader in some direction, especially the direction you want them to go. A lot of the words you used seem to have double meaning, which makes it hard to read, at least for me.

In the middle of her response, she turned her head to aim her perfect smile weapon. In the middle of her head turning to aim her perfect smile weapon, she noticed something strange. In the middle of her noticing something strange while in the middle of her head turning to aim her perfect smile weapon, her mouth emitted a terrified sound. In the middle of her lips emitting a strange sound while she was noticing something off as she was turning her head to aim her perfect weapon at her fellow transfer student, she recoiled from his a full step, almost dropping her schoolbag.

This was overly nagging and repetitive, and the term used, "in the middle of" don't seem like a good choice in my opinion. Perhaps "Just as" is a better choice? Just as she was replying/answering, she turned her head to aim her perfect smile weapon. "Just as she turned her perfect smile weapon, she noticed something strange. Just as she noticed something strange, she can't help but give out a terrified cry. Just as she gave out a terrified cry, she recoiled a full step away from him, almost dropping her schoolbag." The reason I think "in the middle of" isn't a good choice in this case is because it is long, and also because you can use "in the middle of" in a physical manner.

Moved to tears meant "feeling very emotional, like you are going to cry", taken from thefreedictionary online. However, in the place you used it, she probably should not feel so emotional, at least not to the point where she would cry. She would probably feel ashamed or embarrassed, but nothing worth crying about?

Lastly, YOU MIGHT BE PISSED WITH WHAT OTHERS SAY, BUT DO NOT PUT WORDS IN PEOPLE'S MOUTH, THINGS THAT WERE NEVER SAID:

When "in the middle of" you "in the middle of" put "in the middle of" stuff "in the middle of" around "in the middle of" stuff "in the middle of" a "in the middle of" pattern "in the middle of" emerges.

[YoakeNoHikari]

In the middle of her response, she turned her head to aim her perfect smile weapon. In the middle of her head turning to aim her perfect smile weapon, she noticed something strange. In the middle of her noticing something strange while in the middle of her head turning to aim her perfect smile weapon, her mouth emitted a terrified sound. In the middle of her lips emitting a strange sound while she was noticing something off as she was turning her head to aim her perfect weapon at her fellow transfer student, she recoiled from his a full step, almost dropping her schoolbag.

This was overly nagging and repetitive, and the term used, "in the middle of" don't seem like a good choice in my opinion. Perhaps "Just as" is a better choice? Just as she was replying/answering, she turned her head to aim her perfect smile weapon. "Just as she turned her perfect smile weapon, she noticed something strange. Just as she noticed something strange, she can't help but give out a terrified cry. Just as she gave out a terrified cry, she recoiled a full step away from him, almost dropping her schoolbag." The reason I think "in the middle of" isn't a good choice in this case is because it is long, and also because you can use "in the middle of" in a physical manner.

I agree with SZH here, it's not just that time is slowed or that the paragraph is convoluted, the prose is just as awkward as the example sentence you gave.

The usage of 'in the middle,' is just plain bad English in example sentence:

In the middle of her head turning to aim her perfect smile weapon, she noticed something strange.

And the following sentence makes me slightly realize why your editor would say that your style is akin to that of a light novel:

In the middle of her noticing something strange while in the middle of her head turning to aim her perfect smile weapon, her mouth emitted a terrified sound.

This is exactly the kind of thing that someone who translates from Japanese to English would have trouble with in a light novel.

"In the middle of her noticing something strange/ while in the middle of her head turning to aim her perfect smile weapon/ her mouth emitted a terrified sound."

Piling modifier upon modifier without breaking up the clause, you continue to adhere to the present participle when the sentence literally begs for you to add a real verb in there.

I only read the last paragraph, since that's where the criticism I was interested in appeared, but I noticed:

At the start of her response, she prepared the perfect smile for the situation: hint of embarrassment, dash of grateful, sprinkled with a touch of self-denigration.

Once again, this 'light-novel' style shows through. This sentence reads very colloquially. You tie in a noun and an adjective to describe the smile, in which case you should really just stick to one or the other, probably the noun, since you seem to be writing it as if these were ingredients in recipe. Also, I really don't feel as if leaving a conjunction out of the list adds anything to the writing.

...she recoiled from his* a full step, almost dropping her schoolbag.