New Genesis

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Gunnykelzan
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New Genesis

Post by Gunnykelzan »

Hey guys, First time posting something like this on a website.

Hope you enjoy my work.

Criticism is most welcome.

Edit: Cheers for that, Fixed the layout
Spoiler! :
<New Genesis, the biggest city in the world and most certainly the most technologically advanced, An entire city built upon the ruins of the old one destroyed many years ago by the great depression, many people died in the streets and weren’t even buried the Garzov just demolished everything and paved over it building his perfect shining city, Every government fell, Great Britain, America, China, Russia, Japan, it didn’t matter what race you were once the world wide economy crashed so did the world, Stealing, looting , murder, rape, All of these things became the normal on the streets the world became one big dark pit of despair.

However one man….one single man….one individual put his plans into motion, his plans to rebuild the world and become its high president, a title self appointed on himself people saw him as a beacon of hope and began supporting him lifting him higher and higher into power until he had supreme authority over everything.

You know what’s funny though? I remember my Dad telling me that the majority of the worlds armies had been destroyed, but when High President Garzov, formerly a head of his company Garzov technologies, moved his forces into the city to stop the violence and looting…they…didn’t seem quite human, each solider looked nearly identical, with White hair and blood red eyes which seemed to scream out for violence, Eyes that could give you nightmares for weeks…..Theres a question people are afraid to ask along with some inconvenient facts.

Every single company, every single business and corporation crashed at the same time, not a single wealthy person was left on the face of the earth, Except for the High president, How did he manage to survive it?, It’s nearly impossible, he set up the economy to crash, He’s the man who watched the world burn so he could rebuild anew from the ashes this is the reason why I fight, why I run, the reason why I will not stop until the truth is known by all I belong to a underground group known as the Winter movement, named after the first man to speak out against the high president….He was the first free man to die by the hands of Garzov, and he wasn’t the last either.>
==================================================================================
October 15th 4043 2:15 AM.
“Duke, come in over.”

“Duke here, Go ahead Olivia.”

“Command wants a Sitrep.”

“The Intel on the building was solid, in the past hour I’ve seen eighteen armed soldiers, and these are the ones on the outside, I have no idea how many are inside.”

“I see, Command suggests you pull back to base for a full de-brief”

“….Negative”

“Duke?”

“I’m certain there building something here, I’m gonna get closer.”

“Be careful,”

“I always am.”
A man was stood on the roof of a building, watching another building across the road, a tall man with a average build, a he wore a white sleeveless hoodie which covered his face, along with a pair of comfortable combat trousers, his arms and legs were wrapped with support bandages which had markings on them, signifying his position in the Movement.

The figure walked to the edge of the roof jumping down he skilfully slid down the slanted roof below him, then jumping off he grabbed onto a drainpipe sliding down to the ground
.
Taking a lower stance he quickly and quietly made his way across the road jumping a fence he was now walking down the right hand side of the building, sticking to the shadows.

A guard was stood by a door which lead into the structure he was wearing the usual Garzov Grunt gear, an automatic rifle hung from his shoulder as he was smoking a cigarette.

Sneaking up behind the Guard Duke wrapped his arm around the distracted guard’s neck quickly pulling him to the ground, a quick chop to the back of the neck knocked the guard unconscious, searching through the guards pockets Duke found a keycard which opened the door leading into the large base.
The inside looked completely different to the old banged up outside, There were many high tech computers placed around, moving to a computer Duke reached up to his ear feeling the earphones covering his ears he pulled out a retractable cable plugging it into the computer, Then reaching down to his wrist he tapped a few buttons on a device attached to his arm,

The computer screen started to flash and then a [Access Approved] Appeared on the screen.
Pulling up a blueprint of the building duke turned the computer back off retracting the cable back into his headphone he turned and began moving down a nearby corridor.

“Olive I’m sending you the blueprints to this place.”

Tapping a few more buttons on his wrist device Duke heard the girl on the other side of his headphones sound surprised.
“That place is a maze Duke.”

“Anything seem out of place?”

“Mm yeah, Theres a odd section that’s recently been added.”

“I’ll head there now, can you direct me?”

“I got you covered”



==================================================================================
In another part of the base a man wearing a white lab coat stood in front of a large machine he had a large scar down his left eye.
“Sir?”

Another man in a lab coat walked up to the man holding a laptop.

“What now?”

The man passed over the laptop which had a security camera showing a man in a white hoodie running down a corridor.

“I knew he’d come here”

The other scientist spoke.

“Now what sir?”

“Let him have his fun.”

“And after that sir?”

The man with the scar had an evil smile across his face.

“How about a little reunion, Release Project Eve”

“B-b-but sir, it’s not properly ready yet, we haven’t tested it on the field yet”

The man grabbed the other scientist by the collar.

“I SAID REALEASE PROJECT EVE”

“Y-yes sir”
==================================================================================
“Okay Duke the mainframe is through that door.”

Opening the final door carefully to check for any guards or personnel Duke snuck in carefully walking towards a console in the centre of room many strange looking tubes filled the room they looked big enough to fit a person in, tapping a few buttons on the console he pulled the cable from his headset once again and plugged it into the computer


<INITIATING…….HANDSHAKING……ACCESS APPROVED!”>


“Duke, Im patched into the bases security system.”

“Good, keep a eye out while I take a look see”

Duke began looking through the systems files, looking for anything Suspicious.

“Duke…”

“Hang on Olive I’m kind of busy atm.”

“How many guards have you seen?”

“Apart from the one I put to sleep, none”

“What about Personnel…”

“None…”

“This doesn’t feel right Duke, this base is empty…..I cant see anyone.”

“I’ll be leaving shortly its fine.”

Suddenly a file caught Dukes eye.

“Project Eve…”

Opening the files a vast amount of Information entered the screen; this project was the reason for the sudden activity in the area.
“Olivia you seeing this?”

“My god, how long have they been planning this…”

Olivia was Dukes tech specialist and his operator, her job was to brief him on missions and keep in constant radio contact.

Duke started saving the data to his headphones.

A loud alarm sounded, the whole base was now on alert.

“Shit,”

“What happened??”

“I think I tripped the alarm by saving this data, they obviously want to hang onto it.”

“Oh god, Duke run, seven security teams are headed your way.”

“Hang on I’m not done.”

“DUKE MOVE NOW”

“65 percent, nearly there.”

“RUN NOW DUKE, IM NOT LOSING YOU AS WELL!”

Before Duke could respond several shots were fired hitting the computer and powering it down.

“You’re under arrest, in the name of the high president.”

Two guards stood in the doorway pointing Advanced looking guns at Duke.

Duke looked down at his wrist device a number on the screen showed how much data he was able to copy.

“69 percent, that will have to do”

Duke eyed both of the guards as they slowly walked towards him.

“Hands in the air Scum”

Duke raised his hands in the air as one guard walked behind him removing a pair of handcuffs from his belt, as the guard tried to secure the first handcuff Duke burst into action, a swift high kick to the guard who was stood in front of him, then quickly dropping to the floor he tripped the other guard, quickly and skilfully Duke handcuffed one guards arm to the other guard’s leg.

“RUN DUKE”

Bursting through the doors Duke was sprinting down a corridor a group of five guards turned the corner about 20 metres in front of him two of them knelling down all with guns pointed at him.

“FIRE!.”

Duke dodged the incoming hail of gunfire by quickly turning down a second corridor, a guard appeared from a doorway on his right, quickly jumping off the wall a swift spin kick knocked the guard down.

“Olivia, Which way!”

“Left then, follow the corridor to the end.

Turning left Duke stopped suddenly, a figure stood in front of him, a slender figure of a woman, she was wearing a black hooded jacket, a mask covered her face, and a hood hid her hair.

“Who is that!?!”

The man with the scar walked behind the girl until he was behind her, putting both of his hands on her shoulders the man spoke.

“Having fun are we?”

“Who is that?” Duke spoke sounding deadly serious.

“She’s my toy, and a very entertaining one at that, an absolutely perfect Subject for my tests.”

“What tests?”

The man laughed putting his hand on his head.

“Oh no I can’t tell you that rebel, But instead how about I show you the effects of the tests?”

The man leaned over to the girl who was still stood there motionless, whispering into her ear quietly.

“Activate protocol one”

The girl screamed loudly as she grabbed her head, almost like an unbearable pain was shooting through her body. Sparks fizzed around her neck as Duke noticed an electric shock collar tightly secured around her thin fragile neck.”

The scarred man held the girls chin in his hand, she was still shaking.

“Now my beauty, Kill him and retrieve the Data”

The man turned and started to walk away.

“It was nice meeting you Mr Rebel; I’ll be back for your corpse later”

The girl almost seemed to blur forward as she rushed towards duke at a speed that was inhuman, Dukes attempts to drop into a defensive stance failed as the girl reached him too quickly slamming her knee into his stomach.

“HRGH”

Falling backwards Duke rolled over quickly regaining his feet with his hand on his stomach.

The girl burst forward again throwing a punch which Duke deflected, however he didn’t notice the kick.

*CRUNCH*

A sudden pain filled his chest as her kick connected with his ribs a loud crack could be heard.

Duke was down on his knee holding his ribs while struggling to breathe.

“Duke, just run!”

The girl darted forward once again but this time Duke managed to grab her arm as she threw a punch, tossing her over his shoulder she flipped gracefully through the air in a way which seemed way too familiar to him.

“What the hell.”

Deciding this was an unwinnable fight Duke turned and ran from the girl as fast as he could even with his injury his speed was still impressive the girl was soon chasing behind him.

Making it to the entrance Duke slammed the door shut behind, picking up a old rusty he used it to seal the door shut by jamming it in-between the handles.
“That should hold her.”


A sudden thump on the door startled him as he watched dents begin to appear on the door, it was obvious it wouldn’t last long so Duke decided to turn around and run, moving across the road he skilfully jumped over a fence then kicking off a wall climbing onto a nearby building which he was going to use for his escape, it took him four moves to climb up the girl did it in two, her speed, agility, focus and reflexes were defiantly not human.

Jumping from rooftop to rooftop Duke didn’t look back he kept running forward skilfully navigating the night time rooftops
.
A flash from the right suddenly impacted him as he was tackled off the roof by the girl both of them fell about fifteen foot onto the roof of a smaller building below crashing into it the girl was led a few metres away from him as he struggled to pull himself to his feet.

The girl didn’t struggle to get up she slowly and calmly regained her feet, she turned to the shaky man and slowly walked over to him, she walked like a puppet, as if someone was pulling the strings and she was just along for the show .

“Listen, I can help you, Just tell me who you are”

The girl was mere inches away from him now looking straight through him, slowly reaching forward Duke gently move his hand towards her hood but as soon as he got close to it her shock collar went off again, causing her to writhe in pain and then suddenly she grabbed his throat and slammed him into a wall.

She reached up pulling the headset from his head and then she crushed it in her hand, looking back at him now her grip on his throat became tighter and tighter, His vision started to get hazy as the lack of oxygen was starving his brain, he looked down at the girl staring at blank black mask, even though it covered her face Duke was sure he caught her eyes because she suddenly froze on the spot then released her grip as she grabbed her head, a ear piercing howl filled the air as she stumbled around the rooftop.

Duke shakily stood as he watched the girl.

“I can help you, Just please tell me who you are.”

The girl looked at him, and then jumped from the roof landing below and sprinting off into the night.

Looking at his wrist device, he tapped a few buttons showing how much data was saved on it.

“15 percent….”

After an hour of walking back to the Slum district of the city Duke walked over to an empty alleyway connected to a warehouse, pulling a brick from the wall a keypad lit up, after typing in a few numbers a brick doorway slid open leading inside, walking through the door it closed itself afterwards, the inside of the warehouse was very large opened, there were two floors and two sets of stairs each one leading to a open spaced bed area this warehouse had been Duke and Olivias home for the past two years.

“I’m back”

A young girl who was wearing a pair of glasses which made her emerald green eyes glisten was was sat a nearby computer terminal she quickly turned her head at the noise her shiny black hair fluttered as she ran over to Duke, supporting him as she helped him over to a chair next to her workstation which was extremely impressive, several screens enclosed a small area almost like a bubble.

“That was close, I was so worried.”

Duke grunted in pain as Olivia helped him remove his hoodie and vest.

“Who was that, we know the Soldiers are modified but there still only as normal as any human.

Olivia had opened a nearby medical box removing a long bandage she wrapped it around Dukes waist and his upper chest to support his ribs.
“How’s that?”

Duke shifted his weight left and then right and only winced slightly

“A lot better.”

“The way she moved, it was way too fast, and her strength too.”

Olivia tapped two pills from a container onto her hand.

“Here take these for the pain.”

Duke took the pills from her and swallowed them before Olivia had the chance to offer him any water.

“I’m going to need a new headset”

Olivia sighed deeply.

“Yeah I got worried when your video link got cut off,”

“She could have killed me, but she didn’t.”

“Because you managed to get away right?”

Duke shook his head.

“She could have choked me to death, but she stopped.”

Olivia looked very puzzled and confused.

“Garzov operatives never leave survivors…”

“It’s like she didn’t want to do it, she stopped herself, we should check over the video data for clues.”

Olivia nodded as she packed away the medical box.

“We will, in the morning, you need to sleep now, you’ve been awake for more than a day.”

“Its fine I’m not tired,”

“Oh, you will be in about a minute.”

“What do you me—“

Duke’s eyes suddenly started to feel extremely heavy and he was having trouble keeping them open.

“Those weren’t painkillers were they?”

Olivia tiled her head and smiled sweetly her emerald coloured eyes and Black hair contrasted against eachother.

“Sorry, but I’m smaller than you, so this is the only way you’ll do what I want”

The world felt very heavy on his shoulders as he had given up on thinking properly, all his thoughts seemed to leave him head being replaced by one thought, which was ‘Sleep’

“Night night Duke.”

Duke had given in to the temptation now, sleeping seemed like a great idea.

“Yeah, goodnight Oliv---“

He had fallen asleep before he could finish his sentence, sat upright with his head tilted down, walking over to him she gently moved him onto his side in order to make him more comfortable, removing her jacket she placed it over him and smiled whispering quietly to herself.

“Tomorrow is a new day…”
End of chapter 1.
Last edited by Gunnykelzan on Fri Feb 10, 2012 2:54 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Rajikai
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Re: New Genesis

Post by Rajikai »

Um... I haven't read it yet (past first sentence), however I do have some notes for you. The first sentence is a really, really large runon sentence. Or was it runoff? I forget. Anyways, The text seems too cluttered. It would be best to organize it a bit, so that the reader is given an illusion he is progressing through the writing. Plus no one really wants to read a brick wall. Hope that will be enough for now. That is, until I actually find the time to read this.
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Re: New Genesis

Post by ShadowZeroHeart »

Reminds me of the manga "Mother Keeper" in quite a few ways. But that is quite okay, the only issue i find would be the setting of your story...
<New Genesis, the biggest city in the world and most certainly the most technologically advanced, An entire city built upon the ruins of the old one destroyed many years ago by the great depression, many people died in the streets and weren’t even buried the Garzov just demolished everything and paved over it building his perfect shining city, Every government fell, Great Britain, America, China, Russia, Japan, it didn’t matter what race you were once the world wide economy crashed so did the world, Stealing, looting , murder, rape, All of these things became the normal on the streets the world became one big dark pit of despair.

However one man….one single man….one individual put his plans into motion, his plans to rebuild the world and become its high president, a title self appointed on himself people saw him as a beacon of hope and began supporting him lifting him higher and higher into power until he had supreme authority over everything.

You know what’s funny though? I remember my Dad telling me that the majority of the worlds armies had been destroyed, but when High President Garzov, formerly a head of his company Garzov technologies, moved his forces into the city to stop the violence and looting…they…didn’t seem quite human, each solider looked nearly identical, with White hair and blood red eyes which seemed to scream out for violence, Eyes that could give you nightmares for weeks…..Theres a question people are afraid to ask along with some inconvenient facts.

Every single company, every single business and corporation crashed at the same time, not a single wealthy person was left on the face of the earth, Except for the High president, How did he manage to survive it?, It’s nearly impossible, he set up the economy to crash, He’s the man who watched the world burn so he could rebuild anew from the ashes this is the reason why I fight, why I run, the reason why I will not stop until the truth is known by all I belong to a underground group known as the Winter movement, named after the first man to speak out against the high president….He was the first free man to die by the hands of Garzov, and he wasn’t the last either.>
The great depression kills people, but not in terms of war, but economy. Every government falling seems rather unnatural in that sense. Similarly, an old city being destroyed by the great depression seems rather weird too. Not entirely impossible, but you might have to use more details to explain it better.

"Every single company, every single business and corporation crashed at the same time, not a single wealthy person was left on the face of the earth, Except for the High president, How did he manage to survive it?, It’s nearly impossible, he set up the economy to crash, He’s the man who watched the world burn so he could rebuild anew from the ashes"

If money no longer had value, then he didn't survive the depression as a wealthy person. Because money cannot buy anything, because no one has it or wants it. Life will probably return to barter trading, if there is still any order that is. Furthermore, you mentioned that stealing looting, murder and rape was everywhere. So isn't the most common question "Why did no one try to steal from the person who has it all?" A certain order is needed to prevent such a thing from happening, and nothing was mentioned. It was as if people avoided this to begin with, supporting him without a reason, it is strange.



Personal comments: Other than the setting/starting, the story is not too bad, but you have to imagine certain situations. If you want to talk about "The Great Depression" you might want to understand what happens during and after it. Some parts seem too lacking in details.

Also, you might want to imagine what would you do if you were the character in some cases. Like in the main character's case:
A flash from the right suddenly impacted him as he was tackled off the roof by the girl both of them fell about fifteen foot onto the roof of a smaller building below crashing into it the girl was led a few metres away from him as he struggled to pull himself to his feet.

The girl didn’t struggle to get up she slowly and calmly regained her feet, she turned to the shaky man and slowly walked over to him, she walked like a puppet, as if someone was pulling the strings and she was just along for the show .

“Listen, I can help you, Just tell me who you are”

The girl was mere inches away from him now looking straight through him, slowly reaching forward Duke gently move his hand towards her hood but as soon as he got close to it her shock collar went off again, causing her to writhe in pain and then suddenly she grabbed his throat and slammed him into a wall.

She reached up pulling the headset from his head and then she crushed it in her hand, looking back at him now her grip on his throat became tighter and tighter, His vision started to get hazy as the lack of oxygen was starving his brain, he looked down at the girl staring at blank black mask, even though it covered her face Duke was sure he caught her eyes because she suddenly froze on the spot then released her grip as she grabbed her head, a ear piercing howl filled the air as she stumbled around the rooftop.

Duke shakily stood as he watched the girl.

“I can help you, Just please tell me who you are.”
It was a strange place and time to try to persuade the girl to stop, especially in the first case. Persuasion is only an option where there is a good reason to believe in its success, or that it will bring good benefits. The benefit in this case may be his own survival, but judging on how they intend to rebel, and the world lacks proper law and order, killing the person at this moment is usually the proper option, unless there was signs of wavering beliefs/emotions, signs of resistance and unwillingness. Immense suffering may let the main character take pity and offer help, but that is usually when he is NOT on the losing end, and has a good chance he can get away easily. That or he is obsessed by how hot the girl is and intends to make her part of his harem(Just a joke). Just consider the situations where you would actually persuade someone to give up on their thoughts or actions. Then consider if the situation you wrote in the story seems right.

In the second time he repeated the question, it was really weird as well. If it was you in the situation, you would first cough and try to get your breath and regain your consciousness(Your vision is starting to get hazy, and you are worried about the stranger that is killing you? In a world where rape and murder is everywhere, seriously?). Two, you would want to secure your own life. This may include running for it, or killing her. It is like you are being attacked by someone, and almost died, and when he started coughing, you ask him "Hey, want some cough medicine? Don't worry, I won't run, you can kill me afterwards."

Other than these, I think it is a pretty okay piece of work, needs some work in the English, but not bad, really.
God!!
You need not forgive me.
For those I love,
The violence brought about by sinful men
Shall now be used once more.
If you were created to save this world,
If there is a single shred of hope left for the future of mankind,
I am very sorry, but, please begone!
Gunnykelzan
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Re: New Genesis

Post by Gunnykelzan »

Ive never read Mother keeper, Ill give it a look see,

thanks for the Feedback and sorry for the long time i took to reply ive been busy all day,

I wasnt 100% happy with that first section tbh so my top priority now is to rethink that.

Also gonna work on those two scenes you mentioned which tbh do seem a little strange to me now so i shall revisit them.

Thanks for taking the time to read and help, expect the fixes soon.
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Re: New Genesis

Post by ShadowZeroHeart »

Gunnykelzan wrote:Ive never read Mother keeper, Ill give it a look see,

thanks for the Feedback and sorry for the long time i took to reply ive been busy all day,

I wasnt 100% happy with that first section tbh so my top priority now is to rethink that.

Also gonna work on those two scenes you mentioned which tbh do seem a little strange to me now so i shall revisit them.

Thanks for taking the time to read and help, expect the fixes soon.
Mother Keeper is about a manga, where the world almost got destroyed due to war, and certain regions were rebuilt with dome shelters called EDEN. However, these shelters were incapable of taking care of all surviving humans, thus rebels came about, causing terror in these shelters.

The story started with the main character, as a rebel, infiltrating one of these domes. He was led into "Area Zero", the top secret area inside the dome, thinking he was playing his role to destroy the dome, without realizing it was actually a trap. He was then assaulted, and brutally murdered by a girl.

Years past, and he awoke, as a Eden Guardian/Mother Keeper. The girl who murdered him apologized to him, saying she should have "killed him more swiftly" instead, and that they have become comrades. Unable to understand the situation, he was led to "protect" the EDEN he was so bent on destroying. Despite his unwillingness, he was implanted with programs in his head to "Not harm MOTHER or the mad scientist" and "Obey orders". He struggles to overcome these, but fails. He was even led to have to raise his gun against his sister, all grown up, so much so he couldn't recognize her, and her, filled with such extreme hatred, failed to recognize the new-born brother that she once so loved. Brother and sister, protector and rebel, just how will their fates end?

Some very interesting ideas were also placed inside the manga, ones that you probably should take a read, because they would come in handy. For example, when the main character wanted to attack MOTHER as a Mother Keeper, the question was posed: "Have you forgotten that despite the harsh environment outside of EDEN, people live because of the products we made? What do you intend to achieve by destroying EDEN? Let everyone die? So then, for what reason is it that you 'rebels' are fighting?"

P.S. Some of the fight scenes can be used to visualize your own. Don't expect to be able to do with such great details and all, but it can help set you up for fights, even for gun fights and all. High technology is in there too. Rebels, fights, technology, close kin being enemies, what else do you need? =X
God!!
You need not forgive me.
For those I love,
The violence brought about by sinful men
Shall now be used once more.
If you were created to save this world,
If there is a single shred of hope left for the future of mankind,
I am very sorry, but, please begone!
Gunnykelzan
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Re: New Genesis

Post by Gunnykelzan »

That sounds like a brilliant read and i shall get onto that right away, Thanks for the info!!.
Gunnykelzan
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Re: New Genesis

Post by Gunnykelzan »

Alrighty!, sorry for the late posting and stuff been busy at work.

this is the first scene i rewrote to fit more.
A flash from the right suddenly impacted him as he was tackled off the roof by the girl both of them fell about fifteen foot onto the roof of a smaller building below crashing into It painfully as Duke took most of the fall,
the girl was led a few metres away from him as he struggled to roll over onto his front spitting a small amount of blood onto the floor as he pulled himself up onto all fours staring at the ground.
The girl didn’t struggle to get up she slowly and calmly regained her feet, she turned to the shaky man and slowly walked over to him, she walked like a puppet, as if someone was pulling the strings and she was just along for the show .


Knowing the girl was stood over him Duke made a quick attack trying to knock her over, the girl deflected his blow and grabbed his throat lifting him up from the ground with one arm and slamming him into a wall.
She reached up pulling the headset from his head and then she crushed it in her hand, looking back at him now her grip on his throat became tighter and tighter, His vision started to get hazy as the lack of oxygen was starving his brain, he looked down at the girl staring at the blank black mask, even though it covered her face Duke was sure he caught her eyes because she suddenly froze on the spot then released her grip as she grabbed her head, a ear piercing howl filled the air as she stumbled around the rooftop.
Duke shakily stood coughing loudly, small splatters of blood covered his hand as he took large lungfuls of air to regain his composure, taking this moment while the girl was distracted,

he dove off the roof landing on a smaller ledge and rolling off landing in the middle of a alleyway, quickly pulling himself into a dark corner holding his ribs as he was still breathing heavily
Looking at his wrist device, he tapped a few buttons showing how much data was saved on it.
“15 percent….Dammit.

Tell me what you think, personally i think this is much better than it previously was and it seems to fit more.
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Re: New Genesis

Post by ShadowZeroHeart »

In terms of story and plot, yes, this is much better. However, the English probably needs more work, otherwise I would say its quite good already.
God!!
You need not forgive me.
For those I love,
The violence brought about by sinful men
Shall now be used once more.
If you were created to save this world,
If there is a single shred of hope left for the future of mankind,
I am very sorry, but, please begone!
Gunnykelzan
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Re: New Genesis

Post by Gunnykelzan »

Thanks alot dude!, Beginning of chapter 2 should be up soon!.

Also what kind of english mistakes did you spot in the last chapter?
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Re: New Genesis

Post by ShadowZeroHeart »

Gunnykelzan wrote:A flash from the right suddenly impacted him as he was tackled off the roof by the girl both of them fell about fifteen foot onto the roof of a smaller building below crashing into It painfully as Duke took most of the fall,
the girl was led a few metres away from him as he struggled to roll over onto his front spitting a small amount of blood onto the floor as he pulled himself up onto all fours staring at the ground.
The girl didn’t struggle to get up she slowly and calmly regained her feet, she turned to the shaky man and slowly walked over to him, she walked like a puppet, as if someone was pulling the strings and she was just along for the show .


Knowing the girl was stood over him Duke made a quick attack trying to knock her over, the girl deflected his blow and grabbed his throat lifting him up from the ground with one arm and slamming him into a wall.
She reached up pulling the headset from his head and then she crushed it in her hand, looking back at him now her grip on his throat became tighter and tighter, His vision started to get hazy as the lack of oxygen was starving his brain, he looked down at the girl staring at the blank black mask, even though it covered her face Duke was sure he caught her eyes because she suddenly froze on the spot then released her grip as she grabbed her head, a ear piercing howl filled the air as she stumbled around the rooftop.
Duke shakily stood coughing loudly, small splatters of blood covered his hand as he took large lungfuls of air to regain his composure, taking this moment while the girl was distracted,

he dove off the roof landing on a smaller ledge and rolling off landing in the middle of a alleyway, quickly pulling himself into a dark corner holding his ribs as he was still breathing heavily
Looking at his wrist device, he tapped a few buttons showing how much data was saved on it.
“15 percent….Dammit.
I am not sure if the phrasing "The girl was led a few metres away from him" is correct. You probably meant the girl was thrown, or the girl flew, was sent flying etc several meters away from him?
The girl didn’t struggle to get up she slowly and calmly regained her feet, she turned to the shaky man and slowly walked over to him, she walked like a puppet, as if someone was pulling the strings and she was just along for the show .
The sentence above could be slightly better? Maybe...
On the other hand, the girl rose up in an awkward manner, as if she was a marionette being manipulated by strings. She then turned to Duke and slowly walked towards him.
Knowing the girl was stood over him Duke made a quick attack trying to knock her over, the girl deflected his blow and grabbed his throat lifting him up from the ground with one arm and slamming him into a wall.
Knowing the girl was standing beside him, Duke attempts a quick attack to try to knock her over, but the girl easily deflected his attack and grabbed him by his throat with a single hand, lifting him up from the ground and slamming him against the wall.


No offense, but personally I don't really like correcting people's English. One reason is because it can take a lot of time, and some mistakes are minor, another being my English standards aren't really at the top either. Besides, some of these sentences are not wrong technically, but could be improved, which is one reason why I didn't correct them, after all, its your story, even your small mistakes make the story uniquely yours.
God!!
You need not forgive me.
For those I love,
The violence brought about by sinful men
Shall now be used once more.
If you were created to save this world,
If there is a single shred of hope left for the future of mankind,
I am very sorry, but, please begone!
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