Original LN : Corrupted Legends

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Misogi
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Original LN : Corrupted Legends

Post by Misogi »

I'm working on two personnal projects, here is the second one.

I think that something is missing in my prologue or that it's too short, but I have the future ideas for the story. Mostly absurd ones.

Prologue: Gate.cmd - World Reboot
Spoiler! :
Prologue: Gate.cmd - World Reboot

21xx. Paper became rare in the society. It was something that scared the world: when a vital resource was almost disappearing, it caused a lot of troubles in our daily lives.

First, its price rose while the production was decreasing. Trees were relics of the past. When its price was multiplied by 3 in ten years, people tried to find an alternative. Consequently, the electronic books and the tablet’s sales were finally rising of more than 10%, while books became the target of speculation. It was time to change our habits in reading.

Since books also became rare, schools allowed students to bring their tablets, easy to use and containing protected files, the new e-books of our era. Those protections are really a pain, as you had to buy a file that you couldn’t copy to a lot of your devices. Sometimes, they were even limited to specific ones. An illegal market and a piracy network were obviously created.

Rich students still used old books, because they don’t hurt eyes like tablets. Even though they are expensive and that they have a weird smell.

But a boring lesson is still boring, with or without technology. That’s my opinion.


I’m Raito Junichi, but call me Jun. Sixteen years old. My black hair was cut at my shoulders’ height. I have an average build. I’m a lazy but clever student, interested in manga, anime, video games, informatics and cooking. I’m only interested in them, especially fantasy works.

I always wondered how the authors could create those imaginary worlds, filled with creatures, other beings, and mythology beasts. They helped me to ignore the useless and boring world where I was living.

It was why I dreamed of going in a fantasy-like world. Not for becoming a hero, but for finding a more interesting world, less logical and more entertaining.

But today, it wasn’t a dream anymore. I opened a book for the first time, and I regret it.


Let’s go back to yesterday morning. It was autumn. Like every day, I went to my high school, only to read mangas while lessons. Then, the teacher annoyed me.

“Raito-kun, look above and tell me where the earthquakes’ focuses are.”

“... In the lithosphere, in the Wadati-Benioff plan.”

He never answered. Of course, I wasn’t the only one to do something else than studying at school. I’m a special case, though: I easily understand lessons, so I don’t have to work hard to remember them, while hard-working students are disappointed with their grades. School was going to be “deleted” one day, sooner or later.

Besides, school life’s myth was a cruel illusion. No one cared about me. Feeling ignored, I decided to find a place where I could really be alone, away from the students’ fast glares. That’s how I found my secret spot for lunch break: the roof of the main building.

People never knew how to go there. I made an arrangement with the headmaster to go there, by programming the whole school’s network. I was always alone there, until one day.


I was sitting on an old bench. The sky was blue. I had my ham sandwiches in my left hand, my tablet in the right hand. While I was reading, I felt someone’s presence.

“... Can I sit there?”

“Oh, it’s you, Touka-san. You can, of course.”

She was Miyami Touka, an old acquaintance. She was also sixteen years old. Her long white hair was waving with the wind. She read more works than me. Even if we didn’t talk a lot, we respected each other. We were more or less friends and we were living close to each other.

I sometimes looked at her, with a bit of sadness. She was, like me, ignored by our classmates. Even if she came from a well-off family and with her good looks. I couldn’t stand some of the students’ behaviour: ignoring, manipulating, threatening, insulting, bullying, and hitting others was something that I couldn’t understand at all.

Then, Touka-san took something from her bag. A book. It was thick, with a brown hard cover and yellow pages which had a strange smell.

She opened it. I saw an illustration in the left page, and text in the right one. That’s a light novel, I suppose, something I didn’t like to read. There was a man on the drawing, holding a trident and wearing an armour. It’s a fantasy work, but I won’t read the text at the right.

While I was reading on my tablet, I heard footsteps. I looked at my left, Touka-san disappeared. There was still half an hour of break time. The sky became cloudy.


After class, when I quitted school, I never saw Touka-san. Usually, she waited for me to go home. The clouds were darker than before. I should hurry and go home, then go to her place later, to see what’s wrong.

It’s what I thought until rain fell. I ran as fast as I could, but as the rain got stronger, my clothes became soaked. I’ll stay at home, then.

When I arrived at home, there was nobody. My mother was a writer who often travelled and preferred paper over the screen. It was why papers were scattered in the whole place. My father was a policeman. They both liked to read, but not me. I don’t know why.

I decided to make my dinner earlier. But I slightly cut my left hand, which never happened while I cooked. Blood was slowly dripping. I wrapped that cut.

While I was watching anime until 9pm, the rain was strong. It became dark, so I decided to sleep. I closed my eyes in the obscurity.


“... an... he... me...?”

I heard a weak voice in my mind. I opened my eyes, and I was surrounded by trees. I was lying on grass. The female voice spoke clearly.

“... Can you hear me?”

“... What happened?”

“You wished for this world. Is your wish granted?”

“It’s a dream... Like every night. Trees almost disappeared in reality. So this world is only the fruit of my imagination, right?”

It’s true that I always dream of a world like this. But let’s face reality, it will never exist.

“Is that so... I’m sure that your wish will be granted, sooner than expected.”

Eh?


I woke up. It was a Saturday morning. I didn’t have school today. The dream I had was different from the others. I always had a control over my imagination, even while sleeping. But this last sentence wasn’t expected at all. Well, in dreams, everything is possible, right?

The wind was strong outside. I turned on my TV to see the news report, and then, I saw something unthinkable.

Miyami Touka disappeared since yesterday.

It can’t be... unless she had a bad encounter or family problems, she would have never fled away. Something must have happened to her. I’m sure of that.

Suddenly, I remembered that she was strange at lunch break. But I couldn’t find the link between that moment and her disappearance.

The news report said that a lot of warm water was found in her living room’s house. There were no signs of aggression and no blood found. It was said that she was getting well with her family. So, she was under the rain yesterday.

At that moment, I received a message on my tablet.


[Can you take the “Miyami” file on my desk? I forgot it. Thanks, Dad.]


He got her case to investigate. I had information for him, so I quickly ate my breakfast and put my clothes. I took some of my devices in my bag: my smartphone, my tablet, my laptop and my small camera. They were all equipped of solar panels, useful for recharging them when I was far from home. I put the bag’s shoulder strap on my left shoulder.

I searched the file in my father’s desk. It was a small box, with a brown book inside. I saw it yesterday. But why is it in this box? I decided to open it randomly.

I saw a drawing of an old bearded man, in a fighting stance. The drawing was blurry in some areas. I looked at the text at the right. The letters were scrambled. It was a complete nonsense.

But the letters started to move or to disappear. Four lines were readable after they stopped moving. I glanced and read them slowly.


Those who strongly dream of the existence of the fantasy lands,
Where everything can happen and where nothing is impossible.
The truth will pierce you as soon as this book falls of your hands,
And then, the gate leading to a corrupted world will be accessible.



What’s that gibberish? It sounds like a fantasy prologue, but that’s really weird. I think I’m tired. Oh crap, I must go out now. I should close the book...

Then, I heard the wind blowing and the sound of a liquid dripping. I felt pain from my stomach. I looked at it. There was a huge hole from where the blood was dripping. I let the book fall from my hands.

I fell on the ground. I couldn’t think at all. The fresh air was blowing on my face. I couldn’t understand what happened. I had difficulties to breath, as if I couldn’t breathe in but only breathe out. The wind was spinning all around my body, and on my eyes.

I couldn’t open my eyes any longer, so I closed them. My consciousness faded in obscurity.


“... Can you hear me?”

I heard again the female voice in my mind. I opened my eyes, and I was again surrounded by trees. I was lying on grass, like in the dream.

“... What the hell happened?”

“You wished for this world. Is your wish granted?”

“Hey, are you a robotic voice? It’s the same line as before. I’m dreaming or what?”

She’s either lazy or it’s my uncontrollable imagination.

“Actually, your wish has been granted. I’m not lying.”

“... Seriously?”

I couldn’t believe that, but I had to. I had my bag with all my stuff. I switched on my smartphone and tried to call my father. It didn’t work. There was no signal at all. Same thing for the GPS. Communication was impossible. It was Monday, according to it. I slept for the whole day? Impossible. That means... no, it can’t be?

“What the poke is happening!!!!”


When I shouted, coloured and two-headed birds flew from the trees.
Next chapter : The Hooded Scientist and the CyBeast

Feel free to comment it. I'll continue my other project later.
Twitter : @MisogID
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Sans plume, ni sanité (Without feathers nor sanity), a blog reeking of sickness. Wipe your minds before entering.
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ShadowZeroHeart
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Re: Original LN : Corrupted Legends

Post by ShadowZeroHeart »

No offense, but I am quite sure English isn't your forte?

While most have similar meanings, some words really don't suit the situations.
After class, when I quitted school, I never saw Touka-san.
When you use "quitted school", it means you left school for good, such as for graduation. Instead, you probably meant "when I left school".

Next, a little more on your style.
“It’s a dream... Like every night. Trees almost disappeared in reality. So this world is only the fruit of my imagination, right?”
This is an unnatural thing to say, for anyone. Would you say something like that if you woke up somewhere you don't know?

And I believe it might do good to describe this "world" a little more before to give more impact. Besides, won't you be looking around for the person who spoke to you?

With regards to world setting. You described Touka to be from a well-off family. While you do not say so explicitly, but the protagonist MUST be from a well-off family as well. The reason comes from the very world you created.
21xx. Paper became rare in the society. It was something that scared the world: when a vital resource was almost disappearing, it caused a lot of troubles in our daily lives.

First, its price rose while the production was decreasing. Trees were relics of the past. When its price was multiplied by 3 in ten years, people tried to find an alternative. Consequently, the electronic books and the tablet’s sales were finally rising of more than 10%, while books became the target of speculation. It was time to change our habits in reading.
and
When I arrived at home, there was nobody. My mother was a writer who often travelled and preferred paper over the screen. It was why papers were scattered in the whole place. My father was a policeman. They both liked to read, but not me. I don’t know why.
Paper is costly and rare, yet the family treats it like rubbish. This is only possible if you are really rich I believe.

Furthermore, it is really weird. If your mother is not around, then your place isn't scattered with paper. If it is scattered with paper, your mother must have been around, at least recently. Unless the protagonist leaves his home all scattered with paper without clearing them up.
The wind was strong outside. I turned on my TV to see the news report, and then, I saw something unthinkable.

Miyami Touka disappeared since yesterday.
The disappearance to reporting on the news is too soon. It is less than 24 hours before this report. The police would hardly pay attention, needless to say having it reported on the news.
The news report said that a lot of warm water was found in her living room’s house.
I believe you meant the house's living room, not the other way round. But this too is strange. You can just say water, but saying warm water means its temperature is higher than normal, and that is only possible if it appeared only recently before being noticed. This won't be noted by the police or anyone.



You probably need to work more on the interactions and descriptions. Your choice of words needs to be improved as well.
God!!
You need not forgive me.
For those I love,
The violence brought about by sinful men
Shall now be used once more.
If you were created to save this world,
If there is a single shred of hope left for the future of mankind,
I am very sorry, but, please begone!
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Misogi
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Re: Original LN : Corrupted Legends

Post by Misogi »

Oh crap, I made a lot of little mistakes... Sorry, I didn't saw a lot of them, I finished it half-awake.

I'll correct everything I need to, even if that prologue won't be the place where the main story will happen.

Thanks for the feedback. I'll try to rewrite it a bit.
Twitter : @MisogID
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Sans plume, ni sanité (Without feathers nor sanity), a blog reeking of sickness. Wipe your minds before entering.
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