Original Light Novel: Ungodly

[Hitomi]

your writing is certainly lacking but the story is quite good so far.
it looks like there will finally be some action after all the character introductions, so i'm expecting some good chapters from now on.

[onizuka-gto]

This original novel will be under editorial-review. please leave a comment on yours thoughts about it to help in the process.

[Tharin]

The setting is well thought through.
It stacks mystery upon mystery so far and i am excited to find out how you will continue it.
Your English sentences need some improvement , did you find someone to look over it yet?
Im a German , too but i learned English first and spent my time in School in the States for most of my life.
It is nonetheless an easy read.
Also thank you for making a Strong MC , i hate those wishy washy MCs.
I am always looking forward too your publishes.
Keep up the good work.

[BitterSugar]

The setting is well thought through.
It stacks mystery upon mystery so far and i am excited to find out how you will continue it.
Your English sentences need some improvement , did you find someone to look over it yet?
Im a German , too but i learned English first and spent my time in School in the States for most of my life.
It is nonetheless an easy read.
Also thank you for making a Strong MC , i hate those wishy washy MCs.
I am always looking forward too your publishes.
Keep up the good work.

I was the one editing so far. Could you tell me what needs improvement in the sentences (examples would be nice)? It'd be very helpful and would allow me to improve the quality of future chapters. I apologise for any miniature mistakes - it's partially due to my lack of dedication and time. I'll try my best to proofread multiple times in the future.

[JeonshinWeed]

Awesome story!
The lack of professional sounding terms and the simple yet sophisticated writing style may be construed as the work of an amateur, but in my opinion it's also a strong point.
Light novels premise on an easy-to-read characteristic and your light novel is without doubt easy to read.
Please update soon!

[bakabaka]

I don't understand why people stress so much on the writing...After all, there are next to no grammar or spelling mistakes.
True it's not on a professional level, but like the previous poster wrote, it's easy to read.

Anyway, it's been a while since the last chapter. Are you still working on this?

The setting has potential and so does the story, but in my opinion the characters still lack depth. I just wish there were more chapters. ^^

[BitterSugar]

I don't understand why people stress so much on the writing...After all, there are next to no grammar or spelling mistakes.
True it's not on a professional level, but like the previous poster wrote, it's easy to read.

Anyway, it's been a while since the last chapter. Are you still working on this?

The setting has potential and so does the story, but in my opinion the characters still lack depth. I just wish there were more chapters. ^^

Yes, the OLN is definitely being worked on. Both vnvnvn and I were quite busy recently, so it took some time for us to create & polish the new chapter.
You can look forward to it - delicious action scenes are ready.

[vnvnvn]

@bakabaka: Yes, I'm really sorry for the long wait. Like BitterSugar already wrote; currently we are both busy but the light novel is definitely being worked on.

@JeonshinWeed: You are the first to write an entirely positive critic.^^Thank you for the feedback.

@Tharin: I really appreciate that you like the story and I hope you will continue to look forward to future chapter. Also, good luck with your own novel. I haven't read it yet but if I find the time I will make sure to take a look

The next two chapters are already being worked on and I will try to release them as soon as I can. Unfortunately I rarely find the time to indulge myself in writing lately, so I can't set a date for the next chapter yet. Even so I hope the people who enjoyed the novel so far will keep looking forward to future developments.
I'd be very grateful for more (detailed) critics, be it positive or negative. That way I can improve myself and also this light novel.

Chapter 6 A Kings Duty

Spoiler! :

As a result of the stronghold system preventing the youkais attacking populated places, they navigated in hordes due to the fact they all carried the same objective - devouring and annihilating humans. Hence, evacuating cities which were located in the vicinity of a stronghold was manageable if scouts were prepared.

However, scouts were stationed extensively within countries and their borders despite the effectiveness of the system. An area located far from the battlefront was still exposed to the attacks of abnormally behaving youkais which detached themselves from the hordes and roamed in solitary. As such, scouts were responsible to inform or deal with such oddities.

This morning, several generals inhering at the Colosseum had gathered in the conference room. No reports were received from the Belarus's Hronda, which lead to their decision of sending a squad on a scouting mission.

“It has been only 3 days since Berlin was taken; it is highly unlikely the horde could have reached Hronda in such a narrow time frame... the only possibility I can imagine is an abnormal youkai having somehow slipped through the border. But if that hypothesis was correct, the scouts assigned to the area must have been able to handle it.”

One of the generals voiced his opinion in a nonchalant manner as he wiped the tears away - which came from neither sorrow nor hatred but from yawning.

The GU had made certain measures to make the youkais attack Poland after their assault on Germany.
Poland had no strongholds nor people since the entire country was evacuated after Berlin fell.
To prepare for the long awaited plan of aggression, the GU reluctantly accepted the consequences that followed with the sudden immigration of an entire country to the east, along with the lost of the said country.

For the youkais, crossing Poland which was undefended was expected to take around a month. Reaching Hrodna, located near the borders of Belarus and Poland, in three days was improbable.

“We will need to investigate this,” Another general asserted in an austere tone. “The daily situation report that was expected in the morning is still not here," his face hardened. "But what's more worrisome is that we can't make a connection with the scouts. I'm sure there must be something wrong!”

The general was referring to the youkais ability.

In the initial phase when youkais invaded the Earth, they were vulnerable to modern weapons such as guns and explosives, but as time passed, they evolved by hardening their skin to a point where physical attacks did next to nothing.

Unfortunately, their skin wasn't the only part of their body that changed. As if to hinder humans from using their superior intellect to form tactics in the midst of a battle, the youkais developed another endowment: depending on the type and size of the youkai, they started to emit strong electromagnetic waves from the core of their body, immobilizing communication tools and electric devices at a certain distance.

The absent report and especially the fact that they couldn't get in contact with the scouts were indications that the problem was likely not merely an abnormal youkai, that would otherwise had been dealt with or reported by now.

“B-but sending one of the SAS'... we should think this over,” a third general voiced his concern. “It's too dangerous considering their importance. Let's just send some of the regular soldiers!”
With a handkerchief, he dapped off the sweat on his forehead.

“No; the scouts that are stationed in Hrodna are veteran soldiers who have been part of the German alliance. If something did happen, we can't just send anyone!” Clenching his fist, the second general rejected the idea and declared with a poised smile while looking at the battlefield, “Besides, there is no need to worry about causalities. You'll agree with me once the battle starts.”

“You sure are confident about this," the first general said - half sarcastic, half impressed. "So...we will send SAS 5 lead by Major Castro?” he asked to confirm the decision that had been made in the morning.

“Yes. If it is him, there won't be any problems. Also, out of all SAS', his is the only one that is complete.”

“I will agree to your decision if you take all responsibilities. If something goes wrong I'm not the one to blame, alright? ”
Somewhat persuaded, the third general said while ascertaining his immunity to penalties.

“Hmph... there will be no need to hold responsibilities.”

The conversation ended and their line of sights wandered back to the battlefield where Jin and Castro finally moved.

***

"They will most likely try to separate us and aim for solo battles, so be prepared..”

Castro stared at Jin as he recalled the strategy-talk with his subordinates.

“We will use their primitive plan to our own advantage and show them our superiority! Just take the enemy that comes at you. An incompetent leader is bound to have incompetent squad members, so you shouldn't have any particular problems dealing with them. Still... the fact that they are elite soldiers remains, so defeating them could prove difficult to you. Therefore, the first part of our strategy will be for you to wear them out."

Clang, clang, clang!
He could tell that the battle was getting intenser by the rising pace of erratic metallic clashes. Occasionally, he would hear exasperated yells like "shit," or "die, fucker," from one of the engaged knights, but he couldn't confirm the culprit. The reason for that was the overwhelming pressure that Jin applied on him. Jin had been watching Castro since the start with eyes that seemed to perceive every tiny movement.

I hate to admit it but this won't be easy. A moment of carelessness could end up fatal, Castro thought, acknowledging the threat in front of him.

Still... for the sake of my strategy, I need to check up on the situation.

With that in mind, he quickly took a glimpse. Without changing his stance, he shifted his gaze to the right were his subordinates were fighting. Because of his experience which he grasped from the countless battlefields he had engaged in, he was able to analyze the battle with only a brief look. But in the mere milliseconds of his attention being diverted, Jin made his move.

What the..?

When Castro's eyes were back to their initial position, the first thing he saw was a flying sword rotating in lightning speed towards his scalp. He immediately positioned his cross-shaped shield and managed to deflect the weapon by a hairbreadth. With no time to be relieved, he quickly adjusted his shield once again to block the attack that followed instantly after. He was able to avoid a direct hit but the force of the impact broke his defensive stance, causing him to stumble several meters. To prevent falling over, he rammed his shield onto the ground.

His shield...! Using it aggressively?!

When he finally came to a stop, Jin was in midair - grabbing the sword that had ricocheted when it hit the shield. A blade that illuminated a black light came crushing down at Castro. He barely had the time to raise the cross, but succeeded at the last moment. His body was bulldozed downwards by the tremendous force of the strike which felt like the weight of a mountain was pressing down on him.

This crazy bas-tard. That black Ki is insanely strong, he grunted under his breath.

He had met Jin back in Berlin but never had the chance to see him fight, and the only things he knew were from rumors. Although he had heard of Jin's unique fighting style, he couldn't imagine him throwing his sword and using his shield as a weapon.

But still...

He focused the Ki to his right hand which was encased by a metallic glove, making it emit a dark blue aura.

“Don't underestimate my power!”

He roared as he swung a vigorous fist towards his opponent's abdomen. But instead of hitting the body, the fist connected with Jin's shield.

Obviously, the main purpose of a shield was to defend its wielder, therefore one could expect that Jin knew how to handle one for proper use.

Castro's counterattack was beneficial only for a brief moment before Jin continued with his offensive again, using a low kick preemptively, followed by a series of blows - each of them reinforced with Ki and performed with blinding speed, leaving black trails in the air.

Living up to his title, Castro managed to block all the attacks with split second reactions by repositioning his shield with the slightest motions.
But unlike before, he wasn't pushed back heavily upon impact. He was now maintaining a strong Ki flow throughout his entire body and weapons. Despite this, Jin's black Ki was overpowering his own Ki that only reached a dark blue color and thus steadily pushed him away when the attacks made contact with his shield.


***

Jin thrust his sword and stabbed the obsidian shield which was glowing with an ominous colour. In a blink of an eye, he closed the distance that was created due to his opponent being swept away by the impact, and dodged the fist that came flying at him. Letting himself fall to evade the blow and using the momentum to turn his body to the side, he swung his sword towards Castro, who again slid several meters backwards after parrying the blow. Situations like this had repeatedly happened in a breakneck speed, leaving black and dark blue trails in the air.

Occasionally, Castro would swing heavily with his shield or his right hand to throw jabs at Jin. But the attacks could only graze Jin who dodged elegantly while counterattacking simultaneously.

The fight had been continuing for a while but neither side could land a deciding blow. Exhaustion was accumulating, but the pair hid the fatigue behind calm faces.
The hasty background beat of clashing metal since the beginning was still evident but had gradually lost pace as time passed. Instead, the sound of strained puffing filled the air.

Seems like this will end now, Jin concluded when he saw Ando breathing heavily, not far behind from Castro.

Just as he thought that, his opponent turned and started dashing towards Ando’s direction. Reacting to that, Jin too quickly dashed off.


***

“...The second part will start when they are worn out and slow in reaction. That's when we will take one of his subordinates out! I will rush towards the knight closest to me while you two will team up on the remaining knight. Luring their captain to a favorable position beforehand, where he won't be able to respond in time, will also be my job.
Once he sees us move he will rush towards me and most likely prevent me from finishing off my target, but that is irrelevant. In the time he gets to me, you will have defeated your target and following that you can move on to the remaining one, while I return to fighting their captain. Once you are finished, we will join up and defeat that bas-tard!..Even if I don't approve of it, there is a reason to why he is called a war hero, so we better not underestimate him.”

Rapidly reducing the distance, Castro ran towards Ando and initiated the second part of his strategy. At the same time, the lancer who had been fighting Ando until now broke away and rushed towards Vince who skilfully blocked the sword of his opponent.

Castro started gathering his Ki to the glove on his right hand while quickly closing in to Ando.

I got you. A smirk formed in his face as his success was only mere seconds away.

From the looks of it, Castro was about to take out Ando.
However, shortly before he should have performed his attack, he peeked behind and got ready to react to Jin's actions. The main objective of his plan was having Vince taken out by his squad members, therefore there was no need to go kamikaze on Ando, he thought.

But what he saw when he turned around gave him chills down his spine and his smirk to fade.

No no no! How could I make this mistake?! If it's this guy-
In panic, he changed directions and ran past Ando, diagonal to the right in the direction where his subordinates and Vince were located. Some meters away from them was the lancer from his squad, and a little ahead to Castro's right was Jin whose sword was glowing the deepest black, ready to slay his opponent.

You crazy bas-tard! You want to kill them along with your teammate?!

Castro had quickly analysed the situation that would end in three dead soldiers if left unhindered. He was aware that this was only a practice match, but looking at Jin who wore an unreadable expression all the time, petrified him.

There was no time to warn his subordinates who were clueless of the demon closing in from behind.

When Jin raised his sword and swung it downwards, leaving a pitch black curve in the air, Castro knew that this attack was better off avoided. Previously, while fighting Jin, the colour of Jin's Ki could be called black, but right now it was something even darker than black. Looking at the blade made it seem like it would suck anything into the abyss upon contact.

The threat of the blade Jin was swinging crippled Castro. An illusion of his dissected body oozing with blood appeared before his eyes and shook his resolve for a moment.
Nevertheless, he was determined to block the strike.

Godshield Castro - the man who could parry the fist of a Cyclops.
Inherited the blood of a King, he swore to protect his comrades.
A duty that he would never abandon and carry for the rest of his live.

“Don't f*** with me! I'm a KING!”

Castro furiously shouted as he forced his strongest Ki into his shield to let it shine the darkest blue. At the very last moment, supporting the cross with both of his arms, he stood in front of Jin and blocked the descending sword.

Clang!

A searing metallic clash resounded through the air, followed by sparks and an exploding bang.
Castro's shield, along with his body, crashed down onto the ground, leaving a thick cloud of dust behind him and halting all movement on the battlefield.

“No way...”
“...Captain?”
Mutters of disbelief came from his subordinates.

When the dust cloud disappeared, the spectators witnessed the outcome of that last attack.

****

The match between SAS 4 and SAS 5 started at around 3:30 pm. Roughly twenty minutes later, the field was clouded by dust that was slowly being carried away by the wind. When the scene finally cleared, the winner and the loser were unmistakable.

Castro was lying on the ground motionless - the impact had rendered him unconscious. The victor was clear when his squad dropped their weapons in defeat.

Some of the soldiers still wondered about the scene that had enacted moments ago, giving comments like 'what the hell' or 'oh my god', while others started to analyze it.

…

“There is a rumor going around that Martinez killed Kiyoshi with his own hands,” Yuan looked pensive. “Up until now it always sounded ridiculous, but, seeing what just happened, it doesn't seem so impossible anymore...” was his conclusion when he examined Jin, who stood in front of his defeated opponent with a face that showed no sign of any emotions.

“...I don't think so. Rumors are always prone to distortion.”
Basri gave a hesitant answer as he feared that there might be a grain of truth within that rumor.

“You can say that after all this?” Yuan chided. “Even if nothing happened, he had no intention of helping the swordsman from his squad when Castro charged at him, and that last attack would have ended up killing at least two soldiers if left unblocked. In fact, if someone other than Castro attempted to block that, it would have sliced through the shield along with its wielder.”

“...What you said is true, I won't deny it. But I've been acquainted with Jin for a while and I don't think that he'd go to the length of killing fellow soldiers to win a trivial practice match. He had predicted how Castro would act when he did what he did...probably”

His justification of Jin's actions sounded forced rather than convinced.

“Still, it doesn't sit well with me. If what you say is true, then he has my respect as a tactician, but he has lost my trust as a comrade and, most likely, lost the trust of his squad members.”

“Hmm...”

“Anyway, leaving that aside, it was a good match,” Seeing his friend ponder, Yuan quickly changed the topic to the battle performance. “ Now I see what you meant with the peculiar fighting style,” he praised. “His fighting is like a flowing dance at times but changes to a crude savagely form at another. Still, despite the diversity of technique, they always flow fluidly to another.”

“True, true,” Basri nodded twice in agreement. “That, combined with his Ki makes him a nightmare as opponent.”

A moment of reminiscence of the fight passed.

Yuan then said, slightly disappointed, “Too bad that we didn't get to see the secret behind his name.”

“Well, even without that, he is already strong enough.”

He cupped his chin. "I wonder what the outcome would have been if it wasn't for Castro's principles."

"In a duel between just the two of them, taking today's battle as a base...” A short lull of thinking later Basri concluded, “It would end in a draw."

“Sounds about right. How do you think you would fare against Martínez?”

“Me? Hahaha.”

“....”

To the sudden question, Basri answered with a vacuous laugh.

****

Four generals were gathered in the conference room. It was currently evening, and the medical report they had nervously awaited had just arrived.

“Both arms are broken. Even if he uses his Ki, recovery will take 2 weeks,” a general said in a low voice whilst looking at the results on Castro’s medical report.

Knights could use their Ki to accelerate their recovery rate to a certain degree. Fatal wounds like losing a limb or having a main artery cut was impossible to heal with the use of Ki, but using it on injuries such as broken bones were common.

"Even when you were so confident in him... I think we should just send regular soldiers after all!"

"Well, it doesn't really matter. Like I said before, it's probably just an abnormal one, so it will be taken care of somehow if we leave it.”

“Don't be stupid. It’s precisely that it's likely not 'just an abnormal one', that we have to take this seriously!”

“Now, now, calm down.” A bald general gesturing for his colleagues to ease up, “Why don't we send SAS 4 instead?” he suggested. “You said they won against Castro's squad.”
Unlike the other generals, he hadn’t been present at the match nor the morning discussion.

“I get your point Ivan, but they still lack members.”

“Then we will send two squads. That will solve the problem.” Raising two fingers, he acted like he had just suggested something incredibly smart.

“T-two squads?! I will say it now, but if anything happens, I won't take any responsibility!”
Fearing the doubled risk, a general stuttered this while pulling out his handkerchief to wipe his sweaty face.

The remaining two generals didn't have much of an objection against the idea. They eventually came to an agreement not long after, seeing as their suggestions were no better, and left the room.

Ivan, who stayed behind, lifted a folder from the conference table with the words 'Special Advance Squad 4' written on it.
He opened the cover and grinned as he looked at the profile on the first page.

“So that rude boy is still alive, and even became a Major! Come to think of it, Hades did say so before...I must be getting old.”
Nodding at that insight, his gaze moved to the empty area next to the spot where it said 'Personal Priestess', as he muttered, “I wonder if that kid would be happy to hear about this.”

[superloner]

I really like this story so far.

[gamerbaki]

I just finished reading your story up to its recent release.
Well--as a fellow writer, I really appreciated your story.
Not to mention that I am a person who is fond of apocalyptic-like stories, your stuff caught my great interest.

But also I would like to agree to a certain writer that your story is not 100% original.

When I am reading your work, I had a feeling that a certain story name "Shingeki no Kyojin"(if you had read or watched the series) great influenced in your storyline.
Of course, I don't imply that this is a "rip-off" but rather, you reinvented the story in your way and added a ton of twists in your story making it unique to others and perhaps--getting chose by the admin him or herself.

Although I'm not a German just like the other people just proclaimed, I understand that you have difficulties in writing in English (since I also have some trouble in English too) and it is a great thing that you finally have your own editor to help you in your story. (I really wish I have also an editor to help me.)

Storywise, it is great story. It makes me crave for more although it is more than three months since the last release and just like the others, I really hope that you won't drop this story.

Also, I noticed some things in the story:
1. Youkais are monsters that came from certain Japanese mythologies, and it is quite funny that despite the name itself, they first appeared on USA on their first sign of invasion.
If were the one who is to be followed, I would like to name a monster who is somewhat, general to others.
2. Although I admit that Jin and the other characters are entertaining, it is a funny thing that most of them are Asians, at the least despite they are in a European country, not to mention the mankind's last stronghold.
I would like, in the future to have some characters who are European-like especially German (which is your nationality and for patriot reasons) in order to achieve the unity of the races against the youkais.

3. Some English grammar throughout the story is off so you could ask for your editor's help to edit the earlier chapters of the story.

Well, these were the only things I felt and thought about your story.

I'm really looking forward to the future developments of your story.

Good luck and keep up the great work!

--gamerbaki

[BitterSugar]

I just finished reading your story up to its recent release.
Well, these were the only things I felt and thought about your story.

I'm really looking forward to the future developments of your story.

Good luck and keep up the great work!

--gamerbaki

I'm afraid the story might be discontinued. The writer of the novel hasn't contacted me for a few months :X
Hopefully he comes back.

[vnvnvn]

Hi everyone, I'm the author of Ungodly.

First of all I want to apologize for my long and unannounced absents. My life has been pretty crazy in recent months, because of a new job position and the related affairs that came with it.

Second I want to announce the discontinuation of Ungodly.
Like I mentioned before, my life has basically been turned upside down in recent months. I admit that I stopped working on the novel ever since around the end of april. The drafts for chapter 7 and 8 are still on my laptop, but after reading the story all over again, I can't seem to remember where I was going with it...so I decided to put an end to this novel of mine.

Third I want to thank everyone for reading this OLN. It's an amateur's work and moreover a first time attempt on that, so I can imagine it not being a good read for many of you.(Special thanks to the few who praised my story^^that really boosts my ego haha)

And lastly I want to express my heartfelt thanks to BitterSugar who took his time to edit my chapters. Sorry for deciding this all of a sudden... Despite that I hope I can count on your help when I decide to start my next novel .
Well, with this said I'm officially bringing Ungodly to a halt. Ending the story like this leaves a bad aftertaste but yea....it was a lot of fun writing it.


Currently I'm very busy with my job, but soon, when I get some more spare time, I'm planning on writing another OLN. When the time comes, I hope you will give it a read.

--vnvnvn