The Longing of Shiina Ryo

[Ryuno]

it's just that the prospect of calling something I've done "mainstream" gives me shivers. Good grief, I'm becoming a hipster.

[angelanime]

Guess I should read it already.

I'm working on my own original light novels, but I guess I don't have many readers.
And that's making me sad.
And I'm not really sure about putting them on B-T as those stories just started and I don't have any important points written yet...
My blog for novels is: http://non8.livejournal.com/

[ShadowZeroHeart]

Guess I should read it already.

I'm working on my own original light novels, but I guess I don't have many readers.
And that's making me sad.
And I'm not really sure about putting them on B-T as those stories just started and I don't have any important points written yet...
My blog for novels is: http://non8.livejournal.com/

Crossroads of live is too slow in my opinion... And no offense, its boring? At least so far... I can barely hang on reading it

Next about Monochrome Eden... Well, if I have to pick one or the other, i will say ur better at Monochrome Eden. However, I won't say its that good either... Some details need to be worked out... Probably better planning, and your chapters can be longer... It almost feels as though you are trying to drag the entire idea.

No matter what, no offense, but work on your English please?

[angelanime]

Guess I should read it already.

I'm working on my own original light novels, but I guess I don't have many readers.
And that's making me sad.
And I'm not really sure about putting them on B-T as those stories just started and I don't have any important points written yet...
My blog for novels is: http://non8.livejournal.com/

Crossroads of live is too slow in my opinion... And no offense, its boring? At least so far... I can barely hang on reading it

Next about Monochrome Eden... Well, if I have to pick one or the other, i will say ur better at Monochrome Eden. However, I won't say its that good either... Some details need to be worked out... Probably better planning, and your chapters can be longer... It almost feels as though you are trying to drag the entire idea.

No matter what, no offense, but work on your English please?

If at least I knew where my english is bad...
*sigh*

[ShadowZeroHeart]

Most of your sentences are SEEMINGLY right, but upon reading it more closely, it is wrong.

It was a big surprise for Izuka when Ageha's parents came to talk with his after the grandfather's funeral.

When Ageha's parents came to talk with HIM. I suppose.

After long time they could finally smile again and even Ageha stopped worrying.

After a long time, they could finally smile again

Actually it was Ageha who supported them the most.

This sentence is quite right, but later on, you talked a lot about how her parents supported them instead?

No wonder, because the neighbourhood didn't welcome the Shindou siblings positively.

The neighbours didn't want their children to play with kids whose parents eloped and one wasn't even completely Japanese.

Its no wonder that they are unwelcome, as their parents eloped, and their father(I presume) was not completely Japanese.

Apparently it took a lot of courage for grandfather to come and please for her help.

please for help?



There are not much major errors, but its all minor problems that causes the read to feel.... weird? So the smooth flow from a story is broken up. There are many cases where you can rephrase it better. Because it is hard to really point them all out, since it is not exactly wrong, which is why I only can comment that way earlier... Sorry about that.

[Darklor]

Apparently it took a lot of courage for grandfather to come and please for her help.

please for help?

Should have been plead, ask or beg right?

[angelanime]

Oh, that's right... Thank you...
That first one - him istead of his - I probably hit the wrong letter on the keyboard.
And that -please for help- ... I couldn't remember the right word for it... later I changed it for -beg- ... but I probably forgot that one sentence...
Well, I will learn from my mistakes, but I can get better only if I continue with writing, right?
And after all english is only my second language, it's impossible to be perfect...
Plus, I know, that I don't know how to use commas in english and the use of "a", "an", "the" and somewhere "nothing" is making my head spin.
Of course, I'll be correcting those stories a lot, and I'll even rewrite the first one again (for the 3rd time) or as many times as it's neccessary.

P.S. The reason that the second story's chapters are short... Well, they aren't short. It's just that the first two chapters are prologues and the there is first chapter. It's just devided to those short parts. It's one A5 paper per part, but it's actually that same chapter...

[angelanime]

I changed:

After long time, they could finally smile again and even Ageha stopped worrying.
Actually, it was Ageha who encouraged them the most.
And it was also because of her parents that they could continue living in that house and continue managing the business without breaking any laws.

It was a big surprise for Izuka when Ageha's parents came to talk with him after the grandfather's funeral.

No wonder, the Shindou siblings were unwelcome by the neighbourhood.
The rumours were that their parents eloped and their father wasn't even completely Japanese and sadly, those rumours were true.

Apparently, it took a lot of courage for grandfather to come and beg for her help.

Is this correct now?

[ShadowZeroHeart]

It is not wrong, but not right either... How should I say it... Hmmm... its like sentences put together, but not a story altogether?

And after that, may I ask about how the shop is "connected" to the house? It sounds kinda weird, not to mention why Ageha would be looking into the house through the window when Izuka is in the house. Why would she be in the shop next to the house to wait for Izuka who is just next door in the house?

Second, may I ask about their parents? I am not sure if it is used properly, but the term "eloped" usually gives the feeling that they ran away from their family, yet their parents after eloping, seems to be in close contact with the grandfather? How else did the grandfather find them so soon?

Also, I recall mentioning this issue as well to someone else as well, but if they are that hard-up on cash, they probably won't go to school? Of course, that is still minor, but it would be weird for the line of "Izuka had to take care of the money", you probably have to explain more on that.

And if I recall heritance does not take over until they are of legal age? So can they manage the antique shop in the first place?

You can inherit property at any age. However, you cannot manage your own property until you are eighteen years of age in most jurisdictions. Until then, the court will usually appoint a trustee or guardian.

Then, its about the "neighbours not getting along" part. If you read the following sentences, you will probably notice a BIG FLAW in that part:

It was a big surprise for Izuka when Ageha's parents came to talk with him after the grandfather's funeral.

The Nishinos were grandfather's neighbours for a long time, but they apparently never got along.

Nishino oba-san told him that his grandfather came to ask her to take care of the siblings around half a year after the moved in.

Apparently, it took a lot of courage for grandfather to come and beg for her help.

He even begged her on his knees after Nishino oba-san refused.

After weeks of begging she finally accepted.

Izuka remembered that Nishino oba-san came to like the Shindou siblings.

She somewhat became the second mother for the twins as she mostly took care of them.

The one who was in charge of Izuka was Ageha, but even grandfather didn't forget to scold him thoroughly when he made something wrong.

The first said they had no contact before the grandfather died, which was over seven years after living together. The second said that the promise to take care of them was made was merely just one and a half years after living together. The third shows that they were probably together for a long time, for Nishino oba-san to "became the second mother for the twins". So I assume its the first part that is wrong.

[angelanime]

I changed what I could mentioned in the post above.
It should make more sense now.

Grandfather begged Mrs. Nishino to take care of the siblings like their mother, because it was impossible for him alone to look after them when he is so old.
Grandfather was their legal guardian, but when he died there was no one who would took the siblings in, so Mr. Nishino became their legal guardian so the kids could continue living in their house, otherwise they would be sent to an orphanage.

And the shop: I wrote that if a person wants to go to the house he needs to enter through the shop.
Therefore, when a person enters the shop he can see on its other side the door that connects to the house.

[ShadowZeroHeart]

I changed what I could mentioned in the post above.
It should make more sense now.

Grandfather begged Mrs. Nishino to take care of the siblings like their mother, because it was impossible for him alone to look after them when he is so old.
Grandfather was their legal guardian, but when he died there was no one who would took the siblings in, so Mr. Nishino became their legal guardian so the kids could continue living in their house, otherwise they would be sent to an orphanage.

And the shop: I wrote that if a person wants to go to the house he needs to enter through the shop.
Therefore, when a person enters the shop he can see on its other side the door that connects to the house.

Let me repeat this part.

It was a big surprise for Izuka when Ageha's parents came to talk with him after the grandfather's funeral.

This says Ageha's parents didn't take care of, or talk with them much if at all in the past, before the grandfather's funeral.

Apparently, it took a lot of courage for grandfather to come and beg for her help, because it was impossible for an old man to raise the kids.

He even begged her on his knees after Nishino oba-san refused.

After weeks of begging she finally accepted.

Says their friendship started before the grandfather died... The timeline became

Time 1(7 years ago)------> Time 2(5.5 years ago) ----> Time 3(1.5 years ago) -----> Time 4(Now)

Time 1: Izuka's parents died, Izuka and his twin siblings moved in
Time 2: Grandfather begs for help, and was eventually accepted
Time 3: Only after funeral, Nishinos talked to them, which is surprising, which can only mean they don't talk before that.
Time 4: Now, nothing much to say.

The question in the blank 4 years inbetween Time 2 and Time 3 is whether the Nishinos took care of the Yamazakis. If they did, then it should not be weird that the Nishinos came to talk to Izuka when his grandfather died, even if it is surprising Mister Nishino offers to be their guardian. If they didn't, then the 4 blank years after agreeing to help is strange.

About the shop, I get it now, just that I found it strange for a window in there back then. Now it is perfectly fine.


And lastly, its the rumors part, it is even more confusing now.

But it was of no wonder with that kind of rumours that the Shindou siblings were unwelcome by the neighbourhood.

And sadly, those rumours were true.

The Shindou siblings’ parents eloped (that was what the people said, but the truth was that they kept the contact with Yamazaki jii-san) and their father wasn't even completely Japanese.

First you said "those rumours were true", yet later, you said that "that was what people said, but the truth was that they kept in contact with Yamazaku jii-san"

Maybe you want to phrase it differently? For example,

"It was no wonder that the neighrbourhood does not welcome the Shindou siblings, as rumors has it that their parents eloped. And to top it off, their father is not even a pure Japanese."

or

"But it was of no wonder with that kind of rumours that the Shindou siblings were unwelcome by the neighbourhood.

Despite Yamazaki jii-san still being in contact with Shindou siblings' parents from time to time, there were still rumors that Izuka's parents eloped back then."

or

"But it was no wonder with that the Shindou siblings were unwelcome by the neighbourhood.

Their parents suddenly disappeared back then, only to leave their children to return after so long. Anyone would find it suspicious and unacceptable."

[angelanime]

I think you're mistaking something.
Shindou Izuka and the twins' parents died in an car accident.

grandfather Yamazaki - his mother's father, who took in the Shindou siblings after their parents died in a car accident.

Therefore, their mother's father Yamazaki was the closest relative to whom the kids could be sent.
But because he is already an old man, he went to ask his daughter's former best friend Mrs. Nishino to help him raise his daughter's kids.

Nishino oba-san told him that his grandfather came to ask her to take care of the siblings around half a year after the moved in.
Apparently, it took a lot of courage for grandfather to come and beg for her help, because it was impossible for an old man to raise the kids

Mrs. Nishino mostly took care of the small twins, but she didn't care much for Izuka and they didn't get along that much.

She somewhat became the second mother for the twins as she mostly took care of them.

So the one who "raised" Izuka were his grandfather Yamazaki and little Ageha Nishino - Mr. and Mrs. Nishino's daughter.

The one who was in charge of Izuka was Ageha, but even grandfather didn't forget to scold him thoroughly when he made something wrong.

And Mr. Nishino wasn't interested and nor he talked with the Shindou siblings.

On the other hand, Mister Nishino never said anything and he simply coldly stared at the Shindou siblings and mostly at Izuka.
It resulted in them being really polite and wary of him.
So when he said after the funeral that he will become their guardian, it took the breath away from Izuka.
Nishino oba-san, Ageha and even the twins were equally surprised as Izuka was.

And I changed that sentence: Izuka was surprised when...
to

Izuka thought that the things he got to know from Ageha’s parents when they came to talk with him after the funeral were impossible.

[ShadowZeroHeart]

And I changed that sentence: Izuka was surprised when...
to

Izuka thought that the things he got to know from Ageha’s parents when they came to talk with him after the funeral were impossible.

I understood most of it just fine, only thing that troubles me is the "surprised" part.

It now makes a lot more sense with this sentence, just that I don't know what he learnt from Ageha's parents that seem so impossible now?

[angelanime]

What he learned is that what I wrote after that - what Mrs. Nishino said - about his grandfather begging her and then the fact that she was his mother's best friend. And after that - that Mr. Nishino suggested he'll be the guardian.

[SomethingLeft]

Hey, just wanted to drop by and say that I enjoyed the first volume a lot! Thanks for sharing Ryuno!