Original LN : Fate/Emblem (2nd Holy Grail War)

[Rajikai]

Prologues could be short or long. It all depends on the pace you want to set.

[cboy123]

Prologues could be short or long. It all depends on the pace you want to set.

Oh, so that's the fact. Thanks for the tip

[oninn]

4th Part of Prologue: (It should be earlier than this...Well, WE JUST HAD A BLACK OUT AND I FORGOT TO SAVE THE 4TH PART. Now I know what DESPAIR really is. Sucks to be me...)

Spoiler! :

The man evaded it like he knows the nature of the spell and dashed towards my grandfather.

My grandfather anticipated this and immediately clenched his raised left hand and smashed it into his right palm. His hands glow and then he disappeared...

No. That's impossible. He didn't disappeared. He's just too fast for my eyes to see.

I can't believe it.

He also dashed toward the man who's holding a weird shaped knife he's previously hiding up until now.

In a blink of an eye, my grandfather strikes his temple and abdomen with both of his fists. The man parried his blow and attempted to attack with a round house kick from his right foot but grandfather already made a contact with his right fist into the man's chest.

Crack.

The sound of the bone cracking.

The man was pushed back and tries to recover from the impact... but my grandfather already appears behind his back and kicked his right leg with his left foot, resulting for him to fall sideways.

In that instant, my grandfather punched his back with his left fist and rotated counter-clockwise to throw a black colored jewel which purpose is to explode at any given contact when thrown.

*BOOM!*

The jewel explodes when it touches several centimeters above his chest, probably his clavicle.

A direct hit. Black smoke envelops his staggering body as he tries to stand up but ended up falling to the ground again.

What a horrible view.

No one can definitely survive that kind of attack.

"...*gasp*..I-Is he a--already d--d-ead?"

"Ha! No. He's just unconscious. He barely made it, though."

"W--what do you mean?"

"Before he falls down, he immediately jumped forward to reduce the impact of my punch. He also enchant himself with Prana before the explosion occurs so that he can also reduce the impact. He is an experienced fighter. Strengthening his body before my punches hit him. Well, even if I'm old, he's still no match for me."

(Gotta go, I'll continue this tomorrow...)

[cboy123]

4th Part of Prologue: (It should be earlier than this...Well, WE JUST HAD A BLACK OUT AND I FORGOT TO SAVE THE 4TH PART. Now I know what DESPAIR really is. Sucks to be me...)

Spoiler! :

The man evaded it like he knows the nature of the spell and dashed towards my grandfather.

My grandfather anticipated this and immediately clenched his raised left hand and smashed it into his right palm. His hands glow and then he disappeared... No. He also dashed toward the man who's holding a weird shaped knife he's previously hiding up until now.

In a blink of an eye, my grandfather strikes his temple and abdomen with both of his fists. The man parried his blow and attempted to attack with a round house kick from his right foot but grandfather already made a contact with his right fist into the man's chest.

Crack.

The sound of the bone cracking.

The man was pushed back and tries to recover from the impact... but my grandfather already appears behind his back and kicked his right leg with his left foot, resulting for him to fall sideways.

In that instant, my grandfather punched his back and rotated counter-clockwise to throw a black colored jewel which purpose is to explode at any given contact when thrown.

*BOOM!*

"...*gasp*..I-Is he a--already d--d-ead?"

"Ha! No. He's just unconscious. He barely made it, though."

"W--what do you mean?"

"Before he falls down, he immediately jumped forward to reduce the impact of my punch. He also enchant himself with Prana before the explosion occurs so that he can also reduce the impact. He is an experienced fighter. Strengthening his body before my punches hit him. Well, even if I'm old, he's still no match for me."

(Gotta go, I'll continue this tomorrow...)

Though I didn't read this since my eyes are getting fried but I kinda envy you... Men, my novel writing skills are worst to the bottom of the endless pit of Armageddon

[oninn]

Can anyone critic my work? I've been dying to be critize by anyone here... Hopefully, I need to improve at it so read it from the top and point out my mistakes. I'll appreciate it. Thank you!

[Rajikai]

Can anyone critic my work? I've been dying to be critize by anyone here... Hopefully, I need to improve at it so read it from the top and point out my mistakes. I'll appreciate it. Thank you!

I will tomorrow. I've been busy lately, so I haven't found the time.

Though I didn't read this since my eyes are getting fried but I kinda envy you... Men, my novel writing skills are worst to the bottom of the endless pit of Armageddon

Hey, Writing is just one step to getting better. like any skill, the more you do it, the better you'll get.

[Rajikai]

I did not do any corrections to the quoted.

Part 1 Reviewed:

Spoiler! :

It's not the tip of the gun that touches my temple right now but the stare coming from those eyes.

On this line, it seems as if the stare is touching his temple. I know what you are getting at, but this becomes confusing.

I felt several chills run through my spine as I realize that those eyes are not from a human, but from a heartless monster that can kill someone if he feels like it.

run should be running. You used he, it seems better if it was it. Better yet, it might be better like this: but from a heartless monster that can kill anyone at anytime.

That presence was definitely not an aura coming from a "Heroic Spirit" but from a vengeful one.

Aura might not be needed, since you already said presence. It seems like you are lengthening something that shouldn't be this long.

His expressionless face tells me that he'll pull the trigger any second if I avert my gaze from him.

that might not be required. I will also try redoing this sentence. Seems... Weird?

I'm scared. So scared that it feels like that my heart was replaced with a block of ice.

That is not required?

My hand is soaked with sweat. My knees are trembling like it gonna break off in an instant.

Could join these two together

It was just a minute but it feels that I've been looking at his eye for hours.

That might not be required.

Then, he open his eyes and removes the gun from my forehead.

Recommendation: Remove “then, he” and make “open” to “opening” and “and” to “he”

He put his gun in its hilt and then he sighed.

Seems like past --> Sighed. Recommendation: Remove “He” and “and then” make “put” to “putting” change “hilt”to “hilt,” and change “sighed” to “sighs”

After that, he resume his gaze to me and asks me a question I do expect him to say.

I do expect him to say. I think you might me, I didn't expect.

Part 2 Reviewed:

Spoiler! :

It happened after I woke up accidentally, five and a half hours after the midnight.

This could be used it these ways:
It happened after I woke up, accidentally, five and a half hours after midnight.
It happened after I accidentally woke up five and a half hours after midnight.

so painful that it can be described as if you're dripping your hand on a boiling water.

so needs to be So. This sentence... kinda doesn't make much sense. A better word for described might be compared. Dripping your hand... Putting your hand? On... In?

The pain only lasted a few seconds but that short span of time feels forever.

lasted for? Feels to felt like? Past tense.

It feels like a joke that I'm experiencing that kind of pain as if i'm experiencing hell itself.

In present tense. I'm unsure if you wanted this way...

It seems like a sign or something like that.

Present tense again... The previous line was past.

I do not know it myself but I hope that this was not some sort of a curse.

“myself” to “myself,” Hope is present. Hoped is past. “That this” might be better as “it”. Was not could be wasn't.

It's still hurting but I can tolerate it to some degree so I decided to got up of my bed and head to the sitting room downstairs.

This sentence jumps from past to present to past etch. Maybe it should be redone.

I sit on the sofa wondering about what happened earlier on my room.

Sit is present. Sat is past.

"I think that the servants is still asleep because of the funeral yesterday..."

is to are.

"But...why are you g-gripping your hand like that? Are you sure that it is alright?"

it could be it's

I'm not surprised that she is worried since she is a well-manered girl.

Mannered is spelled incorrectly.

Well, she is a foreigner but because of some reasons, she is staying at our house and works as a servant to pay for the gratitude my grandfather had given her.

“foreigner” to “foreigner,” The sentence could end at house.

[works as a servant to pay] [for the gratitude] [my grandfather] [had given her.]

I separated this for a reason. It's wrong order. Here are the options you could use: These are not the only ones... Use your imagination
works as a servant to pay my grandfather for the kindness he had given her.
works as a servant, as gratitude, for the kindness my grandfather had shown her.

Well, thanks to her, the pain on my right hand disappeared a while ago when were talking so I'll probably go outside for now to check my condition.

on could be changed to from. When could be changed to while we. “talking” could be changed to “talking,”

"Like what I've d said, I'm fine. Don't worry about me."

The almighty D!

I don't know why but my grandfather is now talkative of all days when he didn't say a single word when my mother died.

Now talkative. Around that area it's weird... I hope you can correct this.

"It seems that you had been chosen."

you had could be you've. In this term it should be present. Had makes it past.

"What? The Holy Grail? What did you mean?"

did to do. Same reason as above. Present.

"What I mean is what I mean. You, Tohsaka Yuu, had been chosen by the Holy Grail to participate on the second Heaven's Feel."

Same thing as above. Past to present. Had to have.

A face that I didn't saw when he kick my father out of the house. A face I didn't saw when my mother died several days ago.

Saw is used incorrectly. Also this sentence seems weird. Maybe something like this:
A face that I haven't seen. Not even when my father was kicked out of the house, or when my mother died a several days ago.

I recorded the events and what happened on the previous Heaven's Feel.

and to of

A war where my grandfather once participated sixty years ago.

“participated” to “participated in”

A war between seven magus who wishes to obtain the Holy Grail.

magus needs to be Magus

Part 3 Reviewed:

Spoiler! :

In order to summon a servant, one must need to perform the magic of summoning in a form of a Magic Circle.

must need. One or the other. “One” could be made to “the summoner” or “the master” That was a suggestion. Though I don't really get this line... Much....

With the Command Spell, the Master and the Summoned Servant will make a contract and the Command Spell is the proof of their contract.

Could be broken into two sentences or rephrase it.

The Command Spell can be used as an absolute order by the master to his/her servant.

Can be might be better as is.

For example, he/she can use the Command Spell in order to not to kill the other servants or to acquire additional Prana by sacrificing humans' life force, in other words, to attack humans.

Confused... Use the command spell to order the servant not to kill... Or something like that might be better...

Also, what I worry is about the Servant thing.

I to I'm. Worry to worried.

Because summoning even one heroic spirit is a miraculous occurence, summoning seven in their pure forms would be beyond the Holy Grail's power.

occurrence is spelled incorrectly.

I think that my Grandfather participated on the last war.

I think earlier you mentioned that he did. Now you think?

She also said that that blonde girl always wears a metal mask and a shining silver armor yet that clothing cannot hide her supreme and charismatic existence. And then... *BOOM!*

wears to wore... Sentence might end at armor. “existence.” Changed to “existence,”

While I was so busy about recollecting the contents of my grandfather's book,

so not needed. About not needed.

"What a moron... Attacking us from behind. You really are energetic, eh?"

My grandfather, almost 90 years of age, suddenly appeared behind me when he was almost 3 meters in from of me several seconds ago.

from to front? “me” to “me a”

"Show your self! Cowards! ... How dare you attack us like that!"

your self is yourself. Cowards? Does the grandfather think there are more than 1 person?

"It looks that you are mistaken, old man."

might be wrong

"I'm not here for your life. I'm just here for your granddaughter's life."

join the sentence with a comma and remove the second life. No more, no less. Recommendation of course.

Also, you're pretty famous yourself as a magus."

magus to Magus.

"Ha! Correct, yet you still insist on assassinating my daughter?"

granddaughter or daughter?

I kept on thinking why he is trying on killing me but that is not the issue right now.

haha, I must be out of it, because the entire time I thought the character was a guy. Lol...
“trying on” to “trying to” killing to kill. “me” to “me,”

What's important now is that he is only here just to kill me.

Remove just.

"Don't get in the way, old man. Like what I'ved said, I'm not here for you."

move the comma from way to man. Remove what. I'ved to I've.

"Then, you made me no choice."

made to give.

I must enchant it which takes at least 5 seconds to fire it while my grandfather can instantly cast it without reciting any words at all...

Here's an option:
I must enchant it for at least 5 seconds to fire it, while...
I stopped at while because I didn't feel like putting the rest. You don't end there.

Part 4 Reviewed:

Spoiler! :

My grandfather anticipated this and immediately clenched his raised left hand and smashed it into his right palm. His hands glow and then he disappeared...

into to onto. Recommendation: His hands began to glow. He disappeared!

He didn't disappeared.

disappear.

He's just too fast for my eyes to see.

follow maybe?

He also dashed toward the man who's holding a weird shaped knife he's previously hiding up until now.

Um... Figure this out yourself.. I'm a bit tired to correct it...

The man parried his blow and attempted to attack with a round house kick from his right foot but grandfather already made a contact with his right fist into the man's chest.

from to with. “Foot” to “foot,” grandfather to “grandfather had”

The man was pushed back and tries to recover from the impact...

using both past and present here. Also instead of … it should be a comma.

but my grandfather already appears behind his back and kicked his right leg with his left foot, resulting for him to fall sideways.

appears should be appeared. For to in and fall to falling. Remove to.

In that instant, my grandfather punched his back with his left fist and rotated counter-clockwise to throw a black colored jewel which purpose is to explode at any given contact when thrown.

comma after jewel.

The jewel explodes when it touches several centimeters above his chest, probably his clavicle.

Mixing past and present again.

"Before he falls down, he immediately jumped forward to reduce the impact of my punch.

“he fell down,”

He also enchant himself with Prana before the explosion occurs so that he can also reduce the impact.

enchanted. Occurred. Can to could.

I noticed that you mixed past with present. Also you started as past and slowly transitioned to present. If I could recommend something, I would say that Part 2 should be the start of chapter 1, and be used as present. You seem better when doing present. Part 1 seems like a suitable prologue. Just a suggestion. like I mentioned earlier, anything I say you could ignore...

[oninn]

Nice. I've d been waiting for this!!! I'll take note of everything. EVERYTHING. I'll definitely review your reply and suggestions.

Your POST: "APPRECIATED"


(Well, it's a bit embarrassing... I kinda mess up with the Past - Present - Future Tenses and the spelling... so please bear with me for a while...Also, gonna redo it in a few days.)


I hope to edit this in a few days...maybe a day or two...I just decided on the Title of my work and the servants' identities. Also I created almost every characters(masters and side characters) but I had a hard time giving them a good personality of their own....

So... the only problem now is my grammar, my english(probably my Past-Present-Future Tenses and Spellings) and my ability to work.. i mean, write the whole thing. Hopefully, I can improve in my writing ability in this period of time... Anyway, thank you for posting in this topic... Also, this won't be my last post in here. I'll post the full prologue in the near future.

[cboy123]

So... the only problem now is my grammar, my english(probably my Past-Present-Future Tenses and Spellings) and my ability to work.. i mean, write the whole thing. Hopefully, I can improve in my writing ability in this period of time... Anyway, thank you for posting in this topic... Also, this won't be my last post in here. I'll post the full prologue in the near future.

Uh-uh.... Writing with reviews can improve your writing ability. Just keep practicing and at the same time let it reviewed

[Rajikai]

cboy. My boy. Still waiting for yours No rush... I'll just keep stalking you

[cboy123]

cboy. My boy. Still waiting for yours No rush... I'll just keep stalking you

Dude... What do you mean... ~_~ Stop stalking me! hahaha

[Rajikai]

Elemental Warriors ring a bell And never

[cboy123]

Elemental Warriors ring a bell And never

Hmmm.... I stopped making it for a week due to my pc is being in repairing status...

[oninn]

Elemental Warriors ring a bell And never

Hmmm.... I stopped making it for a week due to my pc is being in repairing status...

Yeah. I read it and I am waiting for it, ya know. Well, I am still working on my own novel and still studying english at the same time.


(I'm re-reading Kizumonogatari(Vol 3 of Monogatari Series), HakoMari(Utsuro no Hako to Zero no Maria), Hidan no Aria, Sword art Online and Fate/Zero. In order to improve myself, I am researching on how they write. Maybe. Just maybe. I can create my own unique style of writing by initialy imitating other styles.)

[cboy123]

Well, if you really insist on teasing my novel writing skills, I would be showing you the Prologue tomorrow... After I complete Chapter #1...