Original Light Novel: Tuned World (not official name)

[shadowNdusk]

I edited some parts and added on to the story. It still not finished but I'm progressing, maybe.

Spoiler! :

A dream? I was falling headfirst into the darkness. that's all I could see except for four other people. I could barely see their faces. There were two males, a blonde and a silver-hair, and a female brunette. Next to me was a female, judging by her proportions, with a ponytail. I had another look at her. I saw a glimpse of her face... Ayumi? A light shone more brightly as we continue to fell. The light almost devoured me and then....

"Aaaaaahhhhhh!"

I woke up and fell off my chair. That was one strange dream. I sat in the back next to the window so I wasn't hurt too badly. Luckily no one was around to see that. It was 5:45 p.m. I should be heading home now. I grabbed my bag and left the classroom.

My name is Azuma Seiji. I'm known for being a heavy sleeper at school. Once, a teacher hit me with a clipboard on the back of my head and I didn't wake up. I usually sleep around 5th or 6th period so much, the teachers gave up on me. There's no problem because I've been keeping up my grades to a high average score. I always ask one of my friends for the homework and take pictures of his notes with my cellphone.

I saw some students still talking about that recent archeologist discovery. An archeologist dug up an ancient text about a prince becoming the Grim Reaper. People been calling it the Origin of the Grim Reaper. If I remember clearly, the story went something like:

Once upon a time, there was once a kingdom that ruled over the entire world. The King of this kingdom was a tyrannical king. He rules over the kingdom with an iron fist. The Prince does not see to his father's ideal way of ruling. He tried reasoning with his father on how should he rule. his reasoning became an argument that had no ending, so the King banished the Prince. The Price decided to wage war against his father. With the help of his four companions, The Lion of Light, The Storm Archer, The Warrior of Fire, The Star Gazer, and with a scythe in his hands, from the royal weapon vault, he fought countless wars against his father. The results ended with the Prince ending his father's life. He was declared the new king. Shortly after being declared king, was thrown off the throne for he was inexperienced to properly govern his people. The Prince was immediately thrown out into the streets and a new era began. The Prince wanders the streets, haunted by his father's ghost and the ghosts of those he had killed in battle. He seek guidance, so he went to the all-seeing oracle. The oracle gave the Prince a strange cloak, allowing him to finish off the ghost that haunts him at the cost of every flesh and organs he has, except his bones. This was the birth of the Grim Reaper.

An interesting story for a fairy tale of the ancients. This text was properly translated correctly, but the archeologist thought it would be best to simplify the words to give us an understanding of the story.

I walked outside of the school building and went to the Karate Club Dojo to get my childhood friend, Mizuki Ayumi. I opened the door. A short female with black hair tied in a ponytail was sitting on a bench.

"Hey! Ayumi! We're heading home."
"You're late! You really have to stop staying up late and reading manga."
"Ehehehe. Sorry. I'm just glad you waited for me."
"Hmph. Any longer and I would've left."
"Shall we go home."

This is Mizuki Ayumi. She's one of the top three students in our year. She's one of the top three ranking students in our year. Strangest thing we have in common is our rare blood type, EX. She's currently the Captain of the Co-ed Karate Club.
Our walk together was mostly silent. We usually never have anything to say to each other, unless it's at school. I walked with her untill we get to the intersection where we split up.
"See ya tomorrow, Ayumi."
"See ya."
She headed across the street as I waved goodbye. I headed towards a different direction. I then finally reached my house. I walked inside and took off my shoes.

"I'm back, Onee-san."
"Welcome back, Ji-kun."

A tall, slender woman greeted me. This is my sister, Miyako. After our parents died since I was eight , she's always been the one taking care of me.She has a full time job as an accountant and a part time job as a waitress at a Maid Cafe to pay the bills and supply us with meals. We split up the chores 50/50.

"Hey, can you go to the convenience store and buy me everything on this list. I'm making curry rice tonight. Here's some money. Now go!"
"Sure thing."

I quickly grabbed the note and left. I bought every item on the list and paid at the cash register. As I walk home, I saw an old man with a cloack over their head. In front of him was a table and a deck of card.

"Hey, you! That boy over there."
"Me?"
"Yes. Would you like to learn your fate."
"It's not going to take long, is it."
"All you have to do is pick a single card from this deck."

I decided to give it a go. I took a card from the middle and showed it to her.

"Ah. You drew the 'Prince of Legends'. An interesting fate awaits you. There are five cards that will lead you to this. They are 'The Bloodshed of Humanity', 'The Conquer of the World', 'The Time Keeper', 'The Zodiac Warrior, Leo', and 'The Grim Reaper.' Take this orb and keep it with you at all times. That is all. Good night."

I did not know what happened. The old man ran off leaving me with a mysterious item. I just shoved it in my pockets and headed strait home.

I arrived home again. The whole house was pitch dark at this time of night.

"I'm back!"

No reply. I then immediately turned all the lights until I reached the kitchen. A pool of red blood caught my attention. A body was laying in the corner of the kitchen face down.. I immediately rushed over there. I recognize who it is.

"O-onee-san!"

There was a knife stuck to her chest. I grabbed her arm and checked her pulse. She's dead. She's still warm though. What happened. Before I could figure out what happened, a hand was put over my mouth with a handkerchief. Damn it I'm being drugged. I can't fight back. And then I was unconscious.

[shadowNdusk]

here's a reedited part of the ancient fairy tale story.

Spoiler! :

Long ago, There were three childrens of God. Their names were Helios, Cryptos, and Demethius. After 'God' died, he gave them the world to watch over, they decided to create a system to rule over Earth. Cryptos became the ruler of the angels, Cryptos became the watchmen of the humans, and Demethius became ruler of demons. It was peaceful until Cryptos was sick of watching over humans corrupting the world. He wanted to wage war against his two brothers for the right of total control over the world. Cryptos then gather every angels that accepted his position on humans. He then became the ruler of the dark angels. Demethius also wated to rule the world for the same reason. Helios, on the other hand, still believed in the system and tried to stop both of his two brothers. This sibling rivalry became an all-out war over the right to rule Earth. What they didn't know is that one other party joined to put a stop in this never-ending war. He was a prince of a small kingdom and secretly a child of the deceased 'God' and a human woman. He has no name but is mostly referred to as Prince. The Prince only had a scythe from his royal weapon vault. With his four friends, the 'Lion of Light', the 'Storm Archer', the 'Volcanic Warrior', and the 'Star Gazer', went into battle to put a stop to this war. At the final battle, only the brothers and the Prince. The three brothers could not believe that a human could have survive for this long. Besides that, they continue on with the battle. At one point of the battle, they attack with their strongest ability at the same time. At that point, the Prince jumped into the middle of the three attacks. His flesh and clothing disintergrated. All that was left was the scythe, his bones, and a black cloak. The bones then reassembled itself and took the shape of a human. The three brothers were speachless, still thinking why could a human do this. A single slash of the Prince's scythe at the three speachless brothers killed them all. From this day on, he became the 'Grim Reaper'. After thousands of years, he found a succesor to him, then killed himself to release his soul in hope to reborn again.

[ShadowZeroHeart]

You really need more work on your settings...

Issues with what you have:

Spoiler! :

1) Why would angels want to pursue Cryptos, a leader that cannot even control his own men?

2) Cryptos must be really arrogant to think he can wage war against his siblings without any help, since he cannot command "Humans", meaning that he wanted to wage war, with him as a one-man army, taking on his two siblings and their armies should no one follow him.

3) You don't have a secret child that bear no name but called "Prince". The term takes up too much attention, since he is a secret child, you don't want him to be known. Secondly, would you seriously call your son "Prince"? Even if 'God' is indeed dead, his mother should at least give him a name.

4) Prince had a scythe from his "royal" weapon vault. He is a royalty that doesn't have a name... Something isn't right is it? Unless if he grew up to be king, everyone starts saying "All Hail King Prince!!". Not to forget, a prince without a father is NEVER acknowledged. This usually implies that the royal female(Queen/Princess) was having an affair. Even if they can prove that 'God' was behind it, it would cause too many issues to NOT give him a name.

5) The scythe seems too powerful to belong in a weapon vault of a small kingdom. This scythe seems to have the power to even kill God's children. Yet it sits there, in a weapon vault.

5) "At the final battle, only the brother and the Prince." I assume you meant only the four of them are left. Do you mean all angels and demons and humans including the Prince's four friends have all died? Besides, it is really dumb to think such a situation would occur. To get into this situation, all 4 parties must have a massively chaotic 4-way war at one location and killing all subordinates of opposing parties. This is one reason why most manga or stories have 1-v-1 battles. People tend to wait and kill the winner when two parties are fighting, not "Hey, give me a share of the war!" and jump in to die.

6) May I know why the Prince jumped into the middle of 3 deadly attacks without a proper reason? The only reason I can think of is that he has already gone nuts!!

7 ) "Bones reassembled itself and took the shape of a human." I assume you meant it went back to the state of being a skeleton. Your previous sentence did not sound as though his bones were blown away anyway. This is the least important detail though.

8 ) After fighting so many wars, it sure is strange how 3 generals in the middle of a war would suddenly be so stunned and lose their concentration, letting their guard down when their brothers, whom they regard as their strongest foes, are just beside them. Not to forget they are standing so close together for the Prince to kill them with a clean slash! They are standing at least, on a straight line all happily looking at Mr. Skeleton!!

9) You probably also need to describe this successor thing at the end. I am assuming he didn't have a child. Killing himself is also a rather strange idea that you might want to describe more as well.

Questions you might want to answer inside the story, or at least have the answer to:

Spoiler! :

1) What is this system about?

2) How did 'God' die? Is he not immortal?

3)Why are there 3 races, human, angel and demons?

4) What are the 3 races?

5) Are the three races created by 'God'?

6) Why did the brothers want the right over the entire world? What do they want to do if they got it?

7) How did the scythe came about?

I assume that you are trying to use what people have an idea of, the war between angels and devils, to write your story. However, your lack of details and description makes it really hard to grasp what you want to illustrate. There are many suggested possibilities towards what the bible says or implies, you need to let the readers know which one, if any, that you are choosing. For one, you said that humans were the ones corrupting the world, whereas it usually is the devils job? You need to elaborate on a lot of things before you can use this story.

[shadowNdusk]

I assume that you are trying to use what people have an idea of, the war between angels and devils, to write your story. However, your lack of details and description makes it really hard to grasp what you want to illustrate. There are many suggested possibilities towards what the bible says or implies, you need to let the readers know which one, if any, that you are choosing. For one, you said that humans were the ones corrupting the world, whereas it usually is the devils job? You need to elaborate on a lot of things before you can use this story.

I was thinking that when the archeologist simplified the text, these angels and devils should closely resembles what they are. I may write a prequel for this to explain more in detail, if I ever get to it.

[ShadowZeroHeart]

I assume that you are trying to use what people have an idea of, the war between angels and devils, to write your story. However, your lack of details and description makes it really hard to grasp what you want to illustrate. There are many suggested possibilities towards what the bible says or implies, you need to let the readers know which one, if any, that you are choosing. For one, you said that humans were the ones corrupting the world, whereas it usually is the devils job? You need to elaborate on a lot of things before you can use this story.

I was thinking that when the archeologist simplified the text, these angels and devils should closely resembles what they are. I may write a prequel for this to explain more in detail, if I ever get to it.

Archeologists using mystic terms such as angels and devils to explain things would make things more complicated... Its like a scientist claiming a happening is done by a ghost. Besides, nothing is said about what they resemble, so you really need to clear out these details for others to understand. If you want to simplify it, simplify it further, make it a few lines, as if it is not too important.

I saw some students still talking about that recent archeologist discovery. An archeologist dug up an ancient text about a prince becoming the Grim Reaper. People been calling it the Origin of the Grim Reaper. If I remember clearly, the story went something like:

Once upon a time, after the death of 'God', a war waged between his three children , Helios, Cryptos and Demethius. Cryptos, the watcher of the humans grew weary of his duties over the arrogant and corrupt humans, and wanted to reshape the world. Demethius wanted absolute power. Helios, was forced to combat his two brothers. Amidst the war, someone, who was not named in the text but commonly referred to as 'Prince', along with four warriors, the 'Lion of Light', the 'Storm Archer', the 'Volcanic Warrior' and the 'Star Gazer', joined in to try to end this war. As the war between the four approached an end, the 'Prince' used his scythe to slay the 3 Demi-Gods. But the fierce battle has torn the 'Prince' apart. His flesh and blood was disintegrated, yet he lives off as a skeleton in a dark cloak.

Archeologists believe that this 'Prince' may also be a son of 'God' to have achieved such feats. As to the whereabouts of this 'Prince', there are many sayings. Some believe he died shortly after the war, some believed that he found a successor, and left the world, hoping to be reborn. Some even think that he still roams the Earth.

You do not have to tell everything in a story. And if you are using that extract as information from archeologists, that is rather impractical, since it is highly unrealistic. This is because it is just a story, and not a historic record. It is like a thousand years down the road, archeologists will not be sharing "Cinderella" to the world as an archeology discovery. If you are saying that it is indeed a historic record, then that means that everyone in the world already accepts the fact that angels and devils exist. Otherwise you will have to talk about what the archeologists and people think about this "story" imply.

[shadowNdusk]

Ill move this.... story, as the prologue, Just to make it easier on me....along with some major editing.

[Just4fun]

Hmm it is a little bit similar to the novel that we are making... lol!!!

[shadowNdusk]

Hmm it is a little bit similar to the novel that we are making... lol!!!

What is it

[Just4fun]

I just drop it.... my hard disk broke.... i will make a new one...

[oninn]

here's a reedited part of the ancient fairy tale story.

Spoiler! :

Long ago, There were three childrens of God. Their names were Helios, Cryptos, and Demethius. After 'God' died, he gave them the world to watch over, they decided to create a system to rule over Earth. Cryptos became the ruler of the angels, Cryptos became the watchmen of the humans, and Demethius became ruler of demons. It was peaceful until Cryptos was sick of watching over humans corrupting the world. He wanted to wage war against his two brothers for the right of total control over the world. Cryptos then gather every angels that accepted his position on humans. He then became the ruler of the dark angels. Demethius also wated to rule the world for the same reason. Helios, on the other hand, still believed in the system and tried to stop both of his two brothers. This sibling rivalry became an all-out war over the right to rule Earth. What they didn't know is that one other party joined to put a stop in this never-ending war. He was a prince of a small kingdom and secretly a child of the deceased 'God' and a human woman. He has no name but is mostly referred to as Prince. The Prince only had a scythe from his royal weapon vault. With his four friends, the 'Lion of Light', the 'Storm Archer', the 'Volcanic Warrior', and the 'Star Gazer', went into battle to put a stop to this war. At the final battle, only the brothers and the Prince. The three brothers could not believe that a human could have survive for this long. Besides that, they continue on with the battle. At one point of the battle, they attack with their strongest ability at the same time. At that point, the Prince jumped into the middle of the three attacks. His flesh and clothing disintergrated. All that was left was the scythe, his bones, and a black cloak. The bones then reassembled itself and took the shape of a human. The three brothers were speachless, still thinking why could a human do this. A single slash of the Prince's scythe at the three speachless brothers killed them all. From this day on, he became the 'Grim Reaper'. After thousands of years, he found a succesor to him, then killed himself to release his soul in hope to reborn again.

This..... was.... Err-well... I can't argue w/ shadowzeroheart at this moment. Or probably, I will never wage a WAR against him when it comes to this issue. Lemme tell you: The story above is somewhat... not understandable and it is so cliche'. Yeah, you read it right. It's sooooo cliche' that it's makes me wanna die. I'm not a critic and I'm not really good at English Vocabulary but I can differentiate good material from a "please don't read me" material. And of course, thinking about the story/plot/characters are very hard so I salute you for trying your hardest, but please... Oh please, review your work again.

This was the most important issue that Shadow_0_<3-san posted:

"8 ) After fighting so many wars, it sure is strange how 3 generals in the middle of a war would suddenly be so stunned and lose their concentration, letting their guard down when their brothers, whom they regard as their strongest foes, are just beside them. Not to forget they are standing so close together for the Prince to kill them with a clean slash! They are standing at least, on a straight line all happily looking at Mr. Skeleton!!"

Mind you, I LOLed at his comment. Now that I think about it, he's right! Terribly right. He's so correct that even devils will change their attitudes, worship him and will believe on everything that he says in the future. In other words, he's a GOD. (Okay, if the people who read my comment are having a violent, no, probably some but... Bah, forget it. Just don't badmouth others just because they post some gruesome comments...)

I'm not really complaining nor I disgrace you, I just want you to become better, that's all. Nothing more, nothing less (or maybe there IS more but...just don't mind me, I just like to procrastinate...). I'm also working on my own fanfiction(If you're interested on vengeance, just go to the fanfiction projects page and click "Ctrl+F" and type "Emblem" or "oninn" and post some comments...) so I know how difficult your situation is so please hang on and bear with it. Hear others out, seek the senior's guidance and most importantly, work hard! Just don't lose passion and be as arrogant as ever... Ahhhh, is this what they call "youth"? By the way, I'm just an 18 year old idiot... So I guess I won't attract other's attention, right? Anyway, just write, write, write, write and WRITE. Don't lose sight of your goal! YEAH! YEAH! UNYAAA!!

[Just4fun]

not enough explanation?