OLN: Clashing Feelings [COMPLETED]

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Shiratori
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OLN: Clashing Feelings [COMPLETED]

Post by Shiratori »

Edit:
Sorry, but this is no longer available here. You can buy the light novel on Amazon.
Last edited by Shiratori on Thu Feb 22, 2024 1:59 pm, edited 8 times in total.
The writer who penned Clashing Feelings. You can buy the light novel on Amazon.
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Re: OLN: Clashing Feelings [Comedy, Ecchi, School...]

Post by caparo »

Script format is nice to read, but it excludes many of the little details.

For example, you haven't described what the characters look like.

The narrative reminds me of some school comedy animes I've seen, so good job on that part.
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Re: OLN: Clashing Feelings [Comedy, Ecchi, School...]

Post by Shiratori »

caparo wrote:Script format is nice to read, but it excludes many of the little details.

For example, you haven't described what the characters look like.

The narrative reminds me of some school comedy animes I've seen, so good job on that part.
Thank you very much :)

In the PDF, before the 1st chapter, you can find the characters' profile where I describe them a bit. I was not skillful enough to manage to describe them on the actual chapter without killing the flow :wink:
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Re: OLN: Clashing Feelings [Comedy, Ecchi, School...]

Post by gamerbaki »

Well, their conversations are great. It's like I'm getting back to my teenager days.

Those cheap bad puns the students often say to each other, the way they communicate to their classmates, it is more of a normal school-like scenario.

As I read the few parts of the story, I noticed that you lack consistency in the narration.

You don't fully elaborate the entire scenario which makes us--readers hard to imagine the scene itself.
Also, there were some unnecessary narrations in the story, like the ones after the character finished speaking.

You could place them in a separate paragraph between their lines to know what they are exactly doing.

Also, to the parts which have "shiratori" something; you can change it into a simple narration of explanation of what is happening here.

You are also using some basic Japanese words like "Haaii" or such that were instantly followed by a meaning.
I can suggest two things for that but it is up to you whether you follow my suggestions or not.

1. You can replace the Japanese words with English words for a better read.

Or if you can't help adding them in your conversation:

2. Retain the Japanese word and just add a footnote where the meaning of these words were shown there--for a cleaner look.

Also, just like caparo said elaborate the characteristics of every characters. Illustrations are good but how about the readers who can't access their illustrations on the net?
I think you should try to describe them bit by bit, just for the readers know how they look.

Setting aside the story, having your own website is very cool (Someday, I want to have my own website--but if only I have enough readers who will support my story.).

Also, I became curious about this: What country do you come from?

I felt it funny for classifying middle school still part of a grade system (like grade 7, 8 or such)

Anyway, I hope the things I just said now help you in continuing you own story.

Good luck!

--gamerbaki
Writer of Tales of Mysidia : Paradox Heroes.

If you have extra time, kindly go for my thread and have a taste of my story. Any comments are welcome.

Chance are, that I might be doing the same thing on yours ^_^V
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Re: OLN: Clashing Feelings [Comedy, Ecchi, School...]

Post by Shiratori »

gamerbaki wrote:Well, their conversations are great. It's like I'm getting back to my teenager days.

Those cheap bad puns the students often say to each other, the way they communicate to their classmates, it is more of a normal school-like scenario.
Thanks! :D I really tried hard to "feel" how the characters would react.
gamerbaki wrote:As I read the few parts of the story, I noticed that you lack consistency in the narration.

You don't fully elaborate the entire scenario which makes us--readers hard to imagine the scene itself.
Also, there were some unnecessary narrations in the story, like the ones after the character finished speaking.

You could place them in a separate paragraph between their lines to know what they are exactly doing.
True, I'm not good with descriptions by default. And writing in a foreign language makes everything harder for me. I also kept those descriptions to a bare minimum because I believe I'd bore the reader, they would make the story super lengthy and I also think that giving some space to the readers to imagine freely might make things more fun for them (as they can imagine the things as they feel it's better).

gamerbaki wrote:Also, to the parts which have "shiratori" something; you can change it into a simple narration of explanation of what is happening here.
Nice idea, I don't know what I was thinking :| I already fixed a few. These changes will be in the final PDF version.
gamerbaki wrote:You are also using some basic Japanese words like "Haaii" or such that were instantly followed by a meaning.
I can suggest two things for that but it is up to you whether you follow my suggestions or not.

1. You can replace the Japanese words with English words for a better read.

Or if you can't help adding them in your conversation:

2. Retain the Japanese word and just add a footnote where the meaning of these words were shown there--for a cleaner look.
Yeah, everyone has been pointing that. I have to do something about that, but I'm lazy and very busy, so... but I'll see what I can do in the future.
gamerbaki wrote:Also, just like caparo said elaborate the characteristics of every characters. Illustrations are good but how about the readers who can't access their illustrations on the net?
I think you should try to describe them bit by bit, just for the readers know how they look.
There's a "Characters Intro" section in the PDF. I edited op to also include the most important characters. I really plan to have illustrations someday! But I can't draw well enough. I'm looking for artists who are willing to, so I can't exactly say when I'll have those...
gamerbaki wrote:Setting aside the story, having your own website is very cool (Someday, I want to have my own website--but if only I have enough readers who will support my story.).
Thanks, it's been hard work since I'm all alone in this. But it hurts a lot to see that the forum looks like a desert... :cry:

gamerbaki wrote:Also, I became curious about this: What country do you come from?

I felt it funny for classifying middle school still part of a grade system (like grade 7, 8 or such)
I'm from Portugal and yes, we use that system here. I was going to use 2-2, but I was worrying if all the people know that 2nd year of middle school means 8th grade. I didn't want to use "chuugakkou" and middle school means different things in other countries. For example, in some countries it would mean 6th grade, some others use Junior High, it's a mess. So I went with 8-2.
gamerbaki wrote:Anyway, I hope the things I just said now help you in continuing you own story.

Good luck!

--gamerbaki
Since CF is fully written by now, it's very difficult to make changes at this point, but I'll have all opinions in mind! Thank you. I hope you liked it enough to keep reading CF to the very end.
Last edited by Shiratori on Fri Feb 09, 2024 8:49 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: OLN: Clashing Feelings [COMPLETED]

Post by Shiratori »

Okay, Clashing Feelings has reached its conclusion. But there are still some nice surprises stored for you guys.

I also updated my original post.
Last edited by Shiratori on Fri Feb 09, 2024 8:50 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: OLN: Clashing Feelings [COMPLETED]

Post by caparo »

The ending is romantic! It's nice to see them finally get over their tsundere tendencies. But it is these tsun characteristics that create such hilarious misunderstandings in the first place.

It's good that you included supplementary information along with the script format (script format is really bare on the detail).

Overall a sweet experience.
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Re: OLN: Clashing Feelings [COMPLETED]

Post by Shiratori »

caparo wrote:The ending is romantic! It's nice to see them finally get over their tsundere tendencies. But it is these tsun characteristics that create such hilarious misunderstandings in the first place.

It's good that you included supplementary information along with the script format (script format is really bare on the detail).

Overall a sweet experience.
Thanks! For reading it all, thank you very much! :D
(I was begining to think no one would.)

Yeah, I regret it a bit now... not giving more details. You know, it's big as it is, but I worry that the readers might not be able to "see" the things as I imagined them.
Last edited by Shiratori on Fri Feb 09, 2024 8:51 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: OLN: Clashing Feelings [COMPLETED]

Post by Shiratori »

Bonus chapter 20.5 is now available for CF forum members. ( ^ _ ^ )

And very soon (hopefully still this month):
> I'll release the full PDF including all bonus content, extras and with many typos/errors fixed. It will be available for everyone.
> You will be able to read CF online (i.e., directly on your browser without the need to download). I'll update my OP to include the link.

Please leave a comment ºTL
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Re: OLN: Clashing Feelings [COMPLETED]

Post by Shiratori »

I hope to meet you all again someday in my next work. Bye, bye (^_^) /
Last edited by Shiratori on Fri Feb 09, 2024 8:54 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: OLN: Clashing Feelings [COMPLETED]

Post by Shiratori »

I made some improvements to Clashing Feelings:

-> New font, margins, alignments and colored speeches. Not only it is more pleasing to the eye but also, it's easier to read.
-> Translations notes are now grayed out and smaller, so they are barely intrusive now.
-> Lots of spelling and grammar mistakes have been fixed.

Have fun reading and tell me what you think about the story and the new look! ( ^ _ ^ ) /
Last edited by Shiratori on Fri Feb 09, 2024 8:55 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: OLN: Clashing Feelings [COMPLETED]

Post by Shiratori »

Minna-san, how have you all been doing?

I proudly present a oneshot manga drawn by an amazingly talented young artist by the name of Pete. Please read it and I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

You can find the manga here: https://tapas.io/episode/222997
Last edited by Shiratori on Fri Feb 09, 2024 8:45 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: OLN: Clashing Feelings [COMPLETED]

Post by Admin010 »

thanks
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