First SHnY fanfiction ever

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the_naming_game
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point illustrated with dialogue

Post by the_naming_game »

Nice topic, by the way.

Let it not be said that I am raining on anybody's parade, but for your consideration, I present the following imaginary (but in my opinion, in-character) dialogue.
(Yuki stumbles slightly, perhaps after having defeated some more rogue Data Entities)
Kyon: Nagato-san! Are you alright?
Yuki: Please, call me Yuki.
(saying it slowly, because he never calls her that. SHUFFLE! fans might recognize some parallels.)
Kyon: ... Yu .. ki ...
Yuki: Yes. Yuki.
Kyon: Naga -- ... Yu .. ki ...
Yuki: Yes.
(Yuki has been leaning on Kyon's chest and now subtly rubs it, keeping deadpan the whole time. Kyon's brain explodes. Ok, maybe this last part is out of character, but it was hard to resist.)
Now can you imagine her asking Kyon to call her anything else BUT "Yuki"? Understated, graceful, with a undercurrent of restrained warmth -- all that is Yuki.

Well, I guess there are worse things I could be doing than extolling the virtues of a character who is fictional in this plane...
(But perhaps exposure of bipedal organic entities to the Haruhi series will trigger an event that three years later, will culminate in...)
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SubordinateFive
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Post by SubordinateFive »

the_naming_game wrote:Understated, graceful, with a undercurrent of restrained warmth -- all that is Yuki.
Beautiful.

I like your dialogue, by the way—what's more, it may be the very first SHnY fanfiction ever written.
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onizuka-gto
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Post by onizuka-gto »

yuki yuki yuki. mmm....i liek it. :P
"Please note, we have added a consequence for failure.Any contact with the chamber floor will result in an unsatisfactory mark on your official test record, followed by death. Good luck."

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the_naming_game
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on the dearth of Yuki centric fictional works.

Post by the_naming_game »

I'm really surprised there hasn't been any fanfiction written of Haruhi. I mean, there's some pretty bad television out there that has fanfiction written for it. Though in a way, it might be a good thing that there hasn't been any written...

In any case, I'm happy (And I'm sure somewhere there is some data being generated, resulting in an increase in emotional levels of certain terminal interfaces for data entities.) that "Yuki" is taking a commanding lead in the hearts and minds of ... people. I think my brain just shut down.

I guess there's such a thing as being too relaxed...

On another note, doujin(shi?) for Haruhi et al seems to be pretty common. It's just ... inaccessible for those of us less fortunate. Speaking of which. Why are American fan works limited for the most part to the written word? Do most Americans just draw badly? Or when they get good at drawing, they don't want to draw other people's stuff anymore? Alas. Actually, come to think of it, it's the same with bands. Cover bands get little respect, even compared to less talented original bands. Hm. Hopefully that's just my imagination.

(I am saying this as an American, by the way, though perhaps not the most "in-touch" with current cultural norms.)

Oh, SubordinateFive. Glad to see there are others who like those Yuki-messes-with-Kyon moments. Er, how should I put it? While I'm certain there are those out there, it's always nice to get confirmation of it. I may see about continuing that exchange between Kyon and Yuki. For now, continuing from the last part, even the chest rubbing:
Yuki: Warm...
Kyon: (Now officially in what-the-hell---is-this-really-happening mode) eh ...
Yuki: Your temperature is on average, 2 degrees higher than normal.
Kyon: Nagato-sa ... er, Yuki. Please don't surprise me by doing things like that.
Yuki: I don't understand what you mean by "things like that."
Kyon: (Oh yeah, I should have probably expected that...) Well, right now I think we should get going. We don't know when any more of those Data Entity things or whatever they are, are going to show up.
Yuki: I do not currently sense any unusual patterns in this area's data. All patterns have subsided to within normal levels.
Kyon: Ok, right. Well ... this place still gives me the creeps, even if it looks the same as it did before. Can we just go somewhere else? Wherever -- my treat, ok?
(moment of silence, in which Yuki blinks exactly three times, and Kyon blinks probably ten.)
Yuki: Almond tea?
Kyon: Sure. Whatever. Let's go.
(walks off. Yuki follows after a moment.)
Hmmm .. I have yet to put in some "Dai suki" and cardigan moments. (As you can see, I stole pretty liberally from the source material.)
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SubordinateFive
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Post by SubordinateFive »

A mini-post...

Now that there are 3 posts on this subject, it now has its own thread. I'm curious to see where this goes.
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Post by onizuka-gto »

amazing how yuki seems to get better even though she hasn't been getting any lines, or "scenes" in the current translated chapters, but yet she still makes me laugh. When i imagine what she is doing. (^_^)

Gotta admit while some people disliked the current episode, i loved it, Yuki was so moe. Made me cracked up when she kept blocking the good stuff.

:p
"Please note, we have added a consequence for failure.Any contact with the chamber floor will result in an unsatisfactory mark on your official test record, followed by death. Good luck."

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the_naming_game
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censorship, fanfiction, and discussion about perhaps, a poll

Post by the_naming_game »

I'm actually behind on reading the chapters, much less editing them. Though I do have some old edits batched up, that I just have to get around to verifying against the current versions. (On the bright side, that means I can read a lot at once. Which is a lot less frustrating, actually. Especially for editing)

Oh, and "Just-In-Time Censorship" is definitely both amusing and frustrating at the same time. But Yuki is definitely easier on the eyes than bugs, leaves, birds, beer bottles, etc.

fan fictions in general
I've always wondered, where is the line drawn? Does a remake of Hamlet qualify? How about "My Fair Lady", which was clearly a fanfiction of "Pygmalion"?

fan fictions in particular
I'm curious. I actually have several ideas in the pipe now. Would you be interested in me holding a poll/discussion with these ideas, or would you rather not risk the potential for spoilage, and just have me pick something? Note that I wouldn't give anything more than what you would see from a movie synopsis. I'd be even more vague than that, actually.

(call this an outgrowth of my interest in the open source development process.)

I wasn't planning on writing enough to actually post, but ... there you go.
(They walk in silence, stopping in front of the cafe. Cut scene to inside, Yuki looking at the menu.)

Kyon: (She's still going to look at the menu?)

(moment of silence, in which Yuki examines the menu intently, most likely checking for subtle data fluctuations, weighing all factors, calculating the optimal beverage choice -- and Kyon fidgets.)

(She puts down the menu, and with deliberation, says:)

Yuki: Almond tea. (as in "homing mode")

Kyon: ("Yara, yara", acknowledges, then says to the waitress:) Excuse me. Could I get one almond tea, and one coffee?

(A few camera angles of both of them looking at blank space or the walls, Kyon slightly uncomfortable, Yuki, well ... as Yuki. The angles span a selection of the 360 around them. A few odd above/below angles, but none as odd as Yuki's alien confession scene.)

(Scene goes to almond tea and coffee arriving. They each take their drinks.)

Kyon: So. Nagato-sa --

Yuki: Please, call me --

Kyon: (Right, right, got it.) "Yuki", "Yuki", got it. But, to the point, these assassination attempts are really getting to be a bother, to say the least. They would probably stop coming after me if Suzumiya-san didn't ... choose ... well, whatever it is everyone else is saying -- right?

Yuki: It is possible that the attempts on your life will decrease drastically if that happens. It is also possible that Suzumiya Haruhi may no longer feel a need for this world anymore, as there is no longer anyone who she wishes to be with.

Kyon: ("What the..." -- even though he knows it's probably true.) ...

Kyon: So it seems like I'm going to be stuck with this for awhile then...

Yuki: It would appear so.

(Both drinking in silence)

(Cut/time lapse to waitress bringing check.)

Yuki: Could I see the check?

Kyon: (She's decided to pay for her drink after all? Has she started developing a sense of propriety?)

(She writes something on it.)

Yuki: (hands to Kyon to pay.) Here.

Kyon: (typical "ehhh" reaction. fumbles for his wallet)

Kyon: (What's this? "Please come to my apartment tonight." I see that Nagato-san hasn't gained a sense of propriety at all.)

Kyon: Na -- (suddenly remembers something after looking at her.) Yuki, you know, I'm right here. (They're getting up to leave, and start walking out.) You could have just told me directly.

(Author: This is really subtle, but note how he's stopping earlier. Too subtle? Is this author's note intrusive?)

(wait for a beat)

Yuki: Will you be there? There are things I cannot discuss here.

Kyon: (About to say "Look, Nagato-san, you have to stop acting so silly about these kinds of things", but then:) (Is it my imagination, or is she looking a little more serious than usual? Even though she always looks serious...) Alright. Er .. 7 o'clock?

(Author: Hmm.. she would typically be precise and give an exact time? Perhaps it should be changed?)

Yuki: That would be fine.

(In front of the cafe.)

Yuki: See you, then. (She looks intently into his eyes for two seconds, and then turns and walks off.)

Kyon: (Looks after her for a 4-count, then looks around with a kind of "this stuff always seems to happen to me..." ... then walks off aimlessly)
Note that a lot of the description style and terminology comes from movie scripts. The terms are self-explanatory though, I believe, so there shouldn't be any problem understanding. I'm open to any editing and format suggestions. I probably get too precise in my descriptions, because the script format allows you to do that, since everything gets expressed visually in the end, so you can just go crazy, irrespective of wording and flow. I separated out the lines this time, because it was starting to get hard to follow, scrunched together like that.

As you can see, Nagato's invitation, and the scene that will come later, are the first possible turning points. Your comments could help influence the future direction! Actually, by writing this far, I've already gone down a certain branch, though I reserve the right to backtrack...

(Man, my stint as an editor on this project has made me paranoid about my English. You'd be scared if you knew how many times I went over what I just wrote. But screw it -- it's the Yuki, stupid!)
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SubordinateFive
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Post by SubordinateFive »

the_naming_game wrote: fan fictions in general
I've always wondered, where is the line drawn? Does a remake of Hamlet qualify? How about "My Fair Lady", which was clearly a fanfiction of "Pygmalion"?
An interesting question. I'd never even thought about that before. For me, the word "fanfiction" has always referred to anime, manga, TV series (especially X-Files, Buffy, and Xena), and Star Trek. But you do have a good point.
the_naming_game wrote: fan fictions in particular
I'm curious. I actually have several ideas in the pipe now. Would you be interested in me holding a poll/discussion with these ideas...
Yuki wrote: Ii.
the_naming_game
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no fiction in this post -- the next, likely, though.

Post by the_naming_game »

(I do tend to batch up the things that I do, so that's why my reply times are a little sporadic.)

on the separations based upon medium and "respectability."
I actually started thinking this way about the balkanization of genres, after learning that "manga" simply means "comics" -- though "manga" has obviously been twisted away from its basic meaning, in usage.

Of course, there is also the genre-based snobbery out there. Comics are looked down upon, literature is held high. The separation between "serious" and "lowbrow." It's too bad, because each medium/genre has a set of tradeoffs. There are certain time scales you just can't express in a two hour movie that you can in a set of book or manga volumes. There are certain ideas that will never get screen time because it's not commercially justifiable to spend that amount of money on them. (I won't go over film's advantages because most people know them.) There are certain things it's only practical to express in the comic medium -- standing as it does, somewhere between book and film. (Comics, in all forms, remain my first love.)

underlying reasons for the current form of American fan works
I just realized (part of) the reason why American fan works are relegated to small time fiction. It's because of our strict copyright laws. People who wanted distribute original works based on copyrighted material (even for free?) would probably get a call from the lawyers soon. In this respect, I really do wonder about copyright's role in fostering artistic works. I've seen some very amusing things come out of the doujinshi side of things. There seems to have been a balance struck in Japan which allows thriving fan communities -- who can be more than just consumers herded to the checkout line.

So that explains the creative emphasis on original works -- the territorial defense of one's small piece of the idea landscape forces everyone to carve out their own niche, disavowing their inspirations. It's fine to create something completely different, but to be forced to, only puts limits on creative freedom. Yes, conformity can be creativity too!

Not that there isn't any, it's just hidden under the few token changes needed to make something "different." Instead of hiding it, it would be better to just declare what you're doing, and no longer be bound by the pressure of trying to be different or original. Which ironically, is what everyone is trying to do -- everyone trying to be different, just like everybody else. Thus bringing a startling uniformity despite everyone's best efforts.

Ok, maybe it's not as bleak as that. It could be a product of my always looking at the un-bright side of things. (narrowly avoided sounding "Star Wars") But at the same time, it's undeniable that this side of the equation exists.

sorry, no update this time.
I actually have about 600 words, but it's currently at a mini cliffhanger, and I personally dislike cliffhangers, so I wouldn't want to subject anyone else to them either. Also, if I leave things at a good stopping point, instead of at a cliffhanger, then picking the story back up is easier, since in the story world, there was a break too. So before even picking up the story, you're already in sync with it.

Anyway, at this point in the situation, things are coming to a head, (others may not feel that terminology qualifies.) and I'm not entirely sure what the outcome will be. Let's say the simulation is getting tricky, because my points of reference are getting more remote.

It's a dilemma, because as a writer, I want to take the safe route, and leave things at a status quo so I can milk it for laughs, but as a reader, I want to know what happens -- when something actually DOES happen. (I'm first and foremost, a reader, by the way.)

Just to keep things linked up.
I started a topic on story ideas here. Not that this forum is so vast that it can't be found, but it's a force of habit for me to link things that should be linked.
the_naming_game
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part_4 and part4a

Post by the_naming_game »

(Amazingly, I've finally decided to "publish" this. The whole thing has actually been in tweak mode for ... wow, almost two weeks. But I believe those tweaks have served a useful purpose, in increasing clarity and focus.)

Reading notes:

There are two story branches, "part_4a" and "part_4b"; the reading order is (unsurprisingly) "part_4; part_4a" and "part_4; part_4b"

(why the funny naming? In vim, when I hit the "#" key with the cursor on top of a word, it jumps to the next occurrence of that word)

The things labeled "4b_1", etc, are footnotes. For the most part, they don't add much to the actual story, especially if you know enough about the characters to be able to fill in the blanks about details of their actions. Looking back over them, I would recommend not interrupting the reading flow with the footnotes, at least the first time through.

I tried to find a less intrusive time pause notation.
  • (... /) less than a second
    (... .) one second
    (... ..) two seconds, etc.
    (...) go by feel; actually, go by feel in all of them -- they're more of a ballpark guideline.
Author's notes are at the end.

So from where we left off last time, Kyon having received a typically cryptic invitation by Yuki:

Reading note notes:

Due to a few changes in circumstance, a few of the notes have become invalid, but to lay bare the disorganization in my writing process, I've chosen to keep the note in its original form. There is no author's note at the end of this post. It will be found at the end of the second, as it covers my thoughts on both branches. The second branch will consist of an entirely rewritten part_4, (I've decided not to refer to part_4 at all when writing.) which I'll denote as part_4b0.

This is not the best of circumstances to be writing under, as I already have a preconceived (and prewritten.) idea of what happens in part_4b, and thus, I might be tempted to force things in order to converge onto that story line. But if it comes to that, and I end up with 3 branches, I'll just publish part_4b as a dead end. As you can see, I prefer to be at the whim of the story, even though that DOES bring with it, its attendant complications.

(note: hyphens are to get around the overly anxious word filter on this forum. Please let me know if I missed anything.)

Feed-back is welcome, (even negative; that's why I said "feed-back," and not "praise.") as I'm always interested in hearing how these writings affect people besides me -- and it's not like I can really show these in any meaningful way to anyone else, except for "Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi" fans. Enough rambling for now...

part_4:
(In front of Yuki's apartment. Kyon coasts his bike into the scene, leans it on the wall, and locks up. He's about to use the intercom, but then loses nerve. He leans back against the wall, then sits after a moment.)

("What am I doing here? She's already told me she's an alien. Just about the only thing that would surprise me now, is if she said she's NOT an alien.")

(The gate clicks suddenly. Kyon jumps.)

Yuki: (from intercom) The gate is unlocked. You can come in.

Kyon: (into intercom, while looking around uneasily for the hidden camera) Uh ... sure. I'll be right up.

(while in the elevator: "I know she's not normal, but does she have to keep on reminding me of that?")

(Yuki is waiting with the door slightly open. She opens it further when Kyon gets to within proper reactionary distance, based upon statistical calculations, as tabulated over the course of many clubroom entrances.)

Yuki: Please, come in.

Kyon: (looking around the apartment. "I see things haven't changed very much. But then again, I'm sure she's gotten a new book or two.")

Yuki: Would you like some tea?

Kyon: ("You really think you can get me with that twice?") Ehhh ... no thanks, I'm not thirsty right now. Could we get to that thing you said you had to ... tell me ... ?

Yuki: (started walking off as soon as she registered the "no thanks" -- hence Kyon's trail-off at the end. She returns with a tray of -- )

Yuki: Cookies?

Kyon: ("I'm not sure what's going on, but those cookies look really good. Damnit, I shouldn't be thinking about that now!" -- his hand half starts to pick one up, on its own.)

Kyon: Yuki, I really appreciate your hospitality, but I (here he loses the fight with himself, and takes one.) ... I still don't know what you called me here for.

(he chews on the cookie regretfully.)

(...)

Yuki: Is it good?

Kyon: (floored; it's the ultimate cookie, a thing cookie cooks dream of.) Actually ... yes. ("What the hell am I saying?")

Yuki: (nods, and is off again, leaving Kyon a little -- well, you can imagine.)

Yuki: (returns holding some -- )

Kyon: Candles ... ?

Yuki: Yes, candles.

Kyon: No, I mean, why candles? ("She's definitely acting stranger than usual. Just what books has she been reading lately?")

Yuki: Even with current technology levels, candles are still in normal usage for dinnertime lighting.

Kyon: ("It's not that she's wrong, but...")

Kyon: Nagato-sa -- (oops, she's starting to say "Please, call...")

Kyon: Yuki, I really don't want to seem rude here, but I've had a long day. An attempt on my life. No, make that two, since a car almost side-swiped me on the way here. (4_1) So I would really appreciate it if you would tell me what I'm doing here.

Yuki: Dinner.

Kyon: ... Dinner.

Yuki: Yes.

Kyon: So what was it you couldn't tell me before, then?

Yuki: "Cookies."

Kyon: ... "Cookies."

Yuki: Yes. (ref "sou" 4_2)

(Kyon apparently goes a little weak at this point, whether from relief or shock, we can't tell yet.)

Kyon: Could I just sit down for a moment ...

Yuki: Please, sit over here.

Kyon: No, that's not what I meant ...

Yuki: (has already gone off to get who knows what.)

Kyon: (An unwelcome line from the past filters into Kyon's mind: "Kyon's always liked weird girls..." -- zettai dame! 4_3 He pushes that thought from his mind.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Footnotes:
  • 4_1 TODO: insert long litany of grievances here. But then again, two attempts on your life in a day should be enough to qualify, eh?
    4_2 I really wanted Yuki's "sou" in the toothpick episode, when Kyon says "You know, I think I'm starting to believe you." -- that same calm, unruffled, and efficient one-syllable reply, with the "that's right" sense of the word, and not the "I see" sense -- but the exchange with "Yes" will have to do for now.
    4_3 It's the fault of the Haruhi anime that certain Japanese terms come to mind much more readily when expressing certain emotions. I've associated so many of those phrases with Kyon -- and so strongly -- that finding proper English equivalents has become elusive. And just in case anyone is wondering, as far as I can tell, it means "absolutely not!". Actually, that fits fine, in retrospect, but I've decided to leave that thought buried in this meandering footnote.
part_4a:
(she returns, and Kyon immediately starts up with -- )

Kyon: Look, ...Yuki, this is all a little bit strange. I think I'm going to have to ("pass, on this dinner thing.") ...

(the meal she's brought back is classic and impeccable. 4a_1 We can see Kyon visibly struggling with himself, before finally sighing and deflating a bit.)

Kyon: ("All right, she's an alien, but since she's gone to this much trouble, it wouldn't be right to just blow her off.") ...

(He thinks of something after a moment.) ...

Kyon: Um .. Yuki -- you didn't create this by manipulating data, did you?

Yuki: There was no need to. Preparing food is simply a matter of mixing in the proper ratios, and heating to the right temperatures to cause changes in the chemical makeup, in particular, the proteins, which undergo significant ... (Kyon tunes the rest of this out. 4a_2)

Kyon: Uh huh ... ("Even though she can do everything else, somehow I never imagined she'd be able to cook. Though her cooking method is, as expected, abnormal.")

(Yuki lays the tray on the table, kneels (seiza) 4a_3 beside it, begins setting out the dishes.)

(Kyon, at this point, is a little uncomfortable, but he looks resigned to going through with it.)

Kyon: ("Hey, alien! What's going on in your head? I'd really like to know!")

(Nevertheless, he attempts a weak grin, well at least a non-frown, while Yuki finishes setting everything out.)

(Everything is set out, and Kyon shrugs and begins to dig in, but notices -- )

(Yuki looking at him intently.)

Kyon: Um ... aren't you going to eat, too?

(Faster than the eye can follow, she snakes out a pair of chopsticks, grabbing a piece of food, and brings it to her mouth -- where she puts it in and chews, at a more human pace. She swallows, while continuing to look at him the whole time.)

Kyon: (Sweat drop, "ehhh..." 4a_4 ... silence -- after recovering, tentatively takes a piece of food as well.)

(She continues to stare at him as he chews, and swallows.)

(... ....)

Kyon: (catching on.) It's good.

Yuki: (nods, begins eating, at normal human speed, but with her characteristic meticulousness.)

(eating in silence.)

(Kyon still understandably apprehensive.)

Kyon: (Looking around for some topic of conversation to break the silence with.) So ... uh, have you ever considered decorating the place?

Yuki: No.

(... ......)

Kyon: (nervous laugh) Ehehehe ... really. Well, it does look a little bare, don't you think?

Yuki: (silence; scans the room.)

Kyon: Ummmm .... tell you what! What's that book you like? The one you lent me? If I see a poster of it somewhere, I'll get it for you, ok?

(she goes into her bedroom, and comes back with the book, to show to him.)

Kyon: (takes out a pen and a crumpled piece of paper from somewhere and writes down the title. He's a little bit more at ease, because at least he has something normal to do.)

Kyon: There, got it. (puts away pen and paper.)

Yuki: (nods, and takes the book back.)

Kyon: (takes some more food in the meantime. "She really is a good cook.")



(Scene: they've finished eating. Kyon looks at his watch and notices it's late.)

(They talk -- well, mostly he talks -- and he starts to put on his shoes and coat.)

Kyon: Well, thanks for inviting me. I had no idea you were that good of a cook.

Yuki: (no response)

Kyon: (still freaked out when she does that, even though honestly, he should be used to it already.) Uhhh ... well, I'll see you in the clubroom then.

(he opens the door and walks out.)

Yuki: Kyon.

(he turns.)

Yuki: Here. (hands a book to him)

Kyon: A book? Hold on, this isn't like you did before, is it? Should I just check for hidden bookmarks right now? (starts checking through it, only half jokingly-- since it's Yuki, it's not entirely farfetched.)

Yuki: That's not it. Read it. I believe you may like it.

Kyon: Really.

Yuki: Yes.

Kyon: Well ... all right. (a little dubious, but no sarcasm.)

(puts the book in one of his coat pockets, and walks to the elevator.)

(waves as he rounds a corner. Nagato lifts her right hand slowly at the elbow, and makes two slow waving motions before bringing it back down again. She passes out of sight as he finishes going round the corner.)



(the following is a montage-progression.)

(in the elevator.)

(going out the gate.)

(unlocking bike.)



(Scene: riding bike home.)

Kyon: ("I wasn't quite sure what to make of what had happened back there, but for the moment, I decided it would be better not to think too much about it.")

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Footnotes:
  • 4a_1 TODO: better food description. I imagine something traditional Japanese, especially after having seen her pour tea in the anime.
    4a_2 TODO: add torrents of Yuki tech-speak after this parenthetical. Currently she sounds more like a food science geek, which is not too far off, I believe. However, a little extra Information Entity spice couldn't hurt.
    4a_3 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seiza -- you may recognize the position from either the book illustration, or the anime. Basically, in this context, I mean it to be a traditional and "proper" way of doing things.
    4a_4 The sound I'm really looking for is one I've heard in anime, and in American movies as well, but MUCH more rarely there. It's a kind of choking sound you make when your mind has just been blown. Ah quiet choked "Ehhh" works about as well, though it doesn't seem as right to me in the audible realm, though fine in the thought realm. The "ehhh"s in previous writings should be considered actual "ehhh"s, since with those, Kyon would still have been able to say something sarcastic.
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Post by onizuka-gto »

And thus this dirty secret is now expose to all non-yuki club members!

Well, it had to come out one day.

:twisted:
"Please note, we have added a consequence for failure.Any contact with the chamber floor will result in an unsatisfactory mark on your official test record, followed by death. Good luck."

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Post by ratslayer »

well ill say that i really like this fics, but it would be interesting to see how Kyon describes the action he does instead.
well we can´t enter in his mind anyway :cry:
the_naming_game
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Posts: 264
Joined: Sat May 13, 2006 6:36 am
Favourite Light Novel: Ahouka!

Post by the_naming_game »

Wow, my first feed... back since the exposure of my dirty secret. Glad you liked it. I will try to get to the continuation of that, wherein Kyon is invariably forced to "think too much about it."

(And I hope you don't take this as an insult on language skills or whatever, but from your other post, I'm assuming your native language is Spanish. Which makes it even more gratifying, to know that I've managed to entertain someone across a language/culture barrier. I'm a second-gen myself, so I know what it's like having communication problems because of that.)

I'd really appreciate it if you said more about what you meant by "would be interesting to see how Kyon describes the action instead", but I'll try to reply by poetic interpretation of your comment.

Looking back, I guess there's a lot of talking and not much description. I rely a lot on people knowing what the characters are like, so that they can imagine the parts I don't say directly. The way they say things give most of the clues to their emotions. Though I can imagine how that might be unclear, since I can't assume that only Americans are reading this. There are certain culture-specific ways of expressing state-of-mind/emotion/sarcasm in American English, and I'm probably not even aware of them when I use them. And even then, it's not as if I've never had a hard time communicating with one of my "fellow Americans."

Do you think you could quote a part that didn't have enough description? I can clarify/rewrite it. (This kind of thing is the easy part of writing.)

future:
Not sure about the readership here, but to whom it may concern, I haven't done much with this lately, but I haven't dropped it. Both branches will get their time. I really want people to see the alternate one as well, because there are moments in it that, while perhaps not goosebump worthy, are as good as anything I've written. (For whatever that's worth...) So that means I'll start actively working on this again.
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ratslayer
Astral Realm

Post by ratslayer »

wow :shock: , I´m really impressed how you guessed correctly about my native language :P , well I have to improve my speaking and grammar, I´m still learning.

the_naming_game wrote:I'd really appreciate it if you said more about what you meant by "would be interesting to see how Kyon describes the action instead
well, in some parts of the novel is like if Kyon tries to explain with a comparison or a metaphor and in some scenes is like he can see emotions in Yuki

Well it´s just an idea :roll:
I like it very much how it´s now
the_naming_game
Temporal Time Variant Entity
Posts: 264
Joined: Sat May 13, 2006 6:36 am
Favourite Light Novel: Ahouka!

Post by the_naming_game »

ratslayer:
The reason I knew isn't all that amazing, though I do appreciate the sentiment. I recall in one of your posts you used the word "traduccion" -- if you'd used "traduction", I would have guessed French. Good luck with the learning -- you're already at the level I wish I was with Japanese.

Kyon's descriptions of things
I probably didn't notice this because I was really using the anime as a stylistic base, more so than the novels. A lot of the description that's there isn't even meant to be description, so much as animation notes. Even so, it's true that because of this, by default, I've begun to take over the narrative role, instead of letting Kyon do it. Your example of Kyon's observations of Yuki were well taken, as those are some of my favorite parts of the novels. I'd love to be able to put moments like that into the writing.

And Kyon's commentary, is of course, one of the highlights of both the novels and the anime. I might go back and see what possibilities I missed. Thanks for the comments; always nice to know the effect of a story on others.

part_5_t:
Yes, I'm sloooow at writing; I've explained the reasons previously. (I think it might be in the secret Yuki forum though. In a nutshell, I'm a perfectionist, but not perfect, thus creating dissonance.) I'll put up a mini-mini-mini teaser of what's most likely to be the next part. As always, subject to change.
(scene: the outside of the school, voice-over:)

Kyon: ("The next day at school was surprisingly normal. Normal meaning this:")

(scene: Haruhi sitting behind Kyon, Kyon half-turned, looking at her exasperated, as usual.)

Haruhi: Kyon! Where were you yesterday! We had an important meeting!

Kyon: ("So sorry I couldn't make it. I had an assasination attempt to go to." -- for tone, use baseball ep when Itsuki blames Haruhi's anger on his bad batting. Basically fed up and sarcastic.) Are any of those meetings really important?

Haruhi: What?? Of course they're important! If I say they're important, they're important!

Kyon: ("Well, I've known for awhile that it's useless arguing with her. It surprises me that I still try anymore." -- turns and looks somewhere else.) Alright then, it's important...

Haruhi: And Yuki wasn't there either. What's going on here? Disloyalty to the SOS Dan will be dealt with harshly!

Kyon: ("Of course, it would be a bad idea to actually tell her 'what's going on here'.") Ah ... is that so.

Haruhi: Hmmph! (tosses her head, flicks her hair, and looks out the window.) ... Don't try and act so above it! You're in the same boat as Yuki!

Kyon: ("Yeah, yeah, understood, divine punishment." -- which was how my face looked, but inside, I was doing a few calculations, and Haruhi's punishments had definitely taken a toll on my wallet. Perhaps it might be a good idea to distract her before she starts thinking too much about it.) So what was this "important" meeting about, anyway?

Haruhi: Huh? (momentarily confused; thrown of her stride.) ... Oh ... well, I was thinking we could do a (blushing, slightly embarrassed.) ...food stall for the next school festival.

Kyon: Really? How come?

Haruhi: Well ... (embarrassed, gathering her thoughts. fixes Kyon with "that" eye.) I heard you went to Mikuru-chan's yakisoba stall. Hmmph! And you didn't even go to any of our movie showings! ... So I was thinking, they made a lot of money at the festival, so why can't we do the same thing this year? Of course, this time, we'll be the ones using Mikuru-chan. Along with Yuki, and of course, me -- With three beauties like that, we'll definitely make enough!

Kyon: "Enough" ...? Enough for what?

Haruhi: Um ... (Man, Kyon's gotten really good at embarrassing her today. She gets a slightly defiant, embarrassed look on her face.) It's a .. secret. (...) (grins suddenly.)

Kyon: ("Uh oh. How many times have I seen that grin before?")
Turned out not to be so mini -- I'm still uncertain about everything after the "food stall" thing. I'm sure some of you have an idea of where something like that could go, knowing what's happened previously. The reason I'm uncertain is because going that way will probably turn this into some kind of episodic comedy mini-arc thing -- Haruhi's wild plans usually do -- and I have this vague desire to build to some sort of climax. And if I go this route, Haruhi is going to get a lot more "screen time." While that's not necessarily a bad thing, it'll definitely screw with the purpose of a fiction that originated in the Yuki Club, which is to promote, glorify, and worship Yuki.

part_5_t1
Ok, the next mini-continuation is absolutely not meant to be final. Just an experiment on dramatic possibilities of this arc. Which means there's a lot of skipping. Actually, with enough skipping, it might be easy to get to the meat of the story.
("Between Nagato's excellent cooking, Mikuru's charm, and Haruhi's pure bullying, our food stall turned out to be a huge success. Even so, that made me even more worried. Haruhi's plans seemed to be moving along nicely. But just what were those plans?")

Haruhi: Kyon! Try some of this stuff! Yuki's surprisingly good at cooking!

Kyon: ("Ummm ... no comment.") ... really.

Haruhi: (gives him a momentary strange look, then brushes it off, and goes off to bully some more customers into the food stall. 5_t1_1)

Kyon: (notices Yuki looking at him. The moment stretches for 1.. 2.. 3 -- she calmly lowers her gaze to concentrate on the yakisoba grill -- though obviously, she could fry yakisoba with her eyes closed while hacking "The Day of Sagittarius 4000" with the other hand, without breaking a sweat.)

Kyon: ("Nagato, who could usually be found gazing down at a book, seemed to be looking around much more, now that she was bereft of that accessory.")

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Footnotes:
  • 5_t1_1 Yes, since this is a narrative experiment, I'm skipping all the juicy details of Haruhi's bullying.
Ok, with that experiment done, I can see that this has better possibilities than I thought. I still have to see how well this flows when I fill in the time blanks, especially Kyon's next few interactions with Yuki. (Just realized that I completely forgot about the book from part_4a. There might actually be too much going on then, as I like to focus in on interaction details.) I have the uncomfortable urge to turn this into something reminiscent of my Most Memorable Last Watched Anime, but that would entirely change the mood that's been built already. (And the actual Iriya-esque emotions are more likely to happen in the other branch. Note that I wrote the main parts of the other branch long before I saw "Iriya no Sora, UFO no Natsu", but well after seeing "Evangelion." Maybe that's a sign I should switch to working on that branch...) Perhaps it's a good idea to wash my mind out with the "Muteki Kanban Musume" I've been saving. Well, until next time...
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