Spades of Time

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Rajikai
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Spades of Time

Post by Rajikai »

I hope you like it. I really want you to kill me with constructive criticism. This is just to help me prepare for the real light novel I'm planning on right... Or novel... I did not plan anything, and everything is on the spur of the moment. As the writing goes further I hope it will also be better (cause I'm spending time thinking.) Also forgive me for the length... I'm not good at that..

Update Date: January 28, 2012

Prologue:
Spoiler! :
Once a year, on a certain day, a contest is held. There are two ways to win. One requires luck that surpasses even miracles, while the other, requires logic, observation and creativity to answer a simple riddle. There are no limits to how many could win in this contest, however, thirteen is the minimum. You are not required to participate in this contest, but none had yet to declined the offer to participate. For this, of course, has a logical explanation...

23:59 February 10, 1877

A man fades in from the darkness which shrouds the plain, coughing.

“Welcome.”

A monotone voice emerged from the direction of the sole light source within the pitch dark; it sat on a wooden desk. The light of the lamp was illumining three face down playing cards. A strange pattern had been inscribed on these cards. Roman letters overlapped one another, differentiating in size and style.

“Where am I?!”

The man shouted in confusion. His face was in panic. Skimming his surroundings, he saw nothing. Everything was black. His breathing began to escalate and sweat began to form on his forehead. His hand were grasping his face, yet his eyes didn't notice. Then a thought occurred. Shooting his hands to his chest, he confirmed his suspicion.

“A good question...”

The voice echoed from behind the desk.

“However, it's not my first time hearing it. If I were to say an exact location, I'd guess it would be something like The Gateway.”

“Gateway? What do you mean by Gateway?”

A cold sweat began to crept down his back. His eyes widen, as he realized the meaning behind these words. His mind became engulfed in anger. Running towards the desk, he smashes his hand against the it.

“No! No!”

His hands began to shake. Saliva shoots out his mouth as he continued.

“NO! I'm to young for that!”

The saliva landed on the desk, while some flew past it. The light from the table revealed the hand of the man to be brownish. Red eyes had finally revealed itself from the darkness behind the desk. The man fell back in fear, catching himself by stretching his arm against the ground, and landing on his behind. The floor had been cold. It didn't feel like anything he's ever felt before. No... If he had to describe it, he would say something a sword... Metal.

“Red eyes... GLOWING!”

He had thought to himself as his focus returned to the other side of the table. The illuminated red eyes had floated upwards, glaring at the man. It hovered in silence. The man pushing against the cold ground, dragged himself back. His heart had began to race faster and faster as if it wanted to pop out of the his chest and run. The eyes followed the man. After a while, the man's moaning became irritating.

“SILENCE!”

A boisterous voice echoed throughout the confines of the empty space. The man bit down on his lower lip, attempting to silence himself, but he had only managed to get himself down to minor whimpers.

“Listen well and consider yourself LUCKY!”

The voice tried to settle itself. The illumination of the eyes slightly lowered, and vanished into the darkness once again. It continued.

“On this table there are three cards. Pick a card.”

The man was dumbfounded. Sitting up in silence, he finally willed himself to ask. His voice was cracking.

“Wha... ta... What does this have to do with The Gateway? Is this a joke?!”

He forced his trembling arms to lift himself off the metallic ground. His eyes shot to the table and glared at the three cards.

“Another good question.”

The voice replied.

“Normal judgment does not proceed this way, however, today is special.”

The man looked forward, past the blinding light, and glared past into the shadows.

“Special? How is it?”

“A contest”

A quick response. It was if the question was expected.

“Contest?”

“Yes... Quite a simple one. If you win, you will go back to were you came, however, if you fail...”

A pause. It had already been obvious what the voice was going to say. The man's attention returned to the cards. His entire at shirt was soggy and his pants, stained. His sweat had jumped into an unbelievable level. A true case of a life and death scenario. His hands were trembling, as it began to reach for a card. Hovering above one, he reached down for the third. Picking it up, he flips it.

“Joker...”

The voice said. The card had yet to be flipped, but as it finished it's rotation, a red joker was revealed.

“I'm Sorry...”

The voice said.

“Wha?”

The man said in confusion. Still holding the card, he changes his focus to the shadows.

“What do you mean... Sorr...”

But before he could finish, the desk lamp blacked out. Nothing but darkness. Like parasites, the darkness began to consume his sanity. In realization of what was about to happen, he turns his body, and begins to run. Running as far away from the table as he possibly could, while trying to escape his destiny. He felt light, yet heavy. It was as if his limiter had been removed, however, his muscles began to eat itself away. But little did he know, he was running from something he couldn't control. Chains began to shoot out of his body, flying downwards, in the direction of the metallic ground, where they began to merge.

“ARGHH!”

His shouts bounced around the empty space as he fell to his knees. Agonizing pain coursed through his body, and his bones continued to transfigured themselves into chains. Like snakes crawling through his insides, the pain burned. Tears began to swell in his eyes, and his eyes began to fade into white. The chains could be seen clearly. Rusted thick chains. His hands facing the ground, he began to hear laughter. A demonic laughter. It was as if a collection of demons were tugging on these chains, and as the chains sank into oblivion, the jingle harmonized with the laughter. With his body slowly flattening itself against the ground, only laughter could be heard traveling from the chains to his ears. A thought then occurred.

“A heartbeat?”

The red eyes resurfaced from within the darkness. It was filled with sorrow. Nothing remained, but the red Joker.

“Next...”

The red Joker on the ground had returned to it's original location.

Prologue END.
Chapter 1:
Spoiler! :
23:59 of February 09, 2012

“Well, well, well... If it isn't my favorite person.”

A voice emerged from the shadows. The voice of a man. My head turns toward the direction of the voice, but my eyes only saw black. It's dark... Did the night always hold this much darkness? Maybe it was due to the lack of lighting around us, or a moon over our heads was missing. My head shot back and my eyes gazed up. Nothing but black clouds. The pulsing pain from my left eye had returned. The pain which was slowly eating away at my sanity. Ah... That's right, even if this place is well-lit, the swelling from my black-eye would hinder my view. But that doesn't matter anymore... Nothing matters, but this pain. It doesn't go away! I lift up my arm so that I can apply pressure on my eye, but something pulled against it.

Ching

A jangle? My sights go downwards towards my seized hands, only to find a long pieces of what might look like chains attached to a cuff... A cuff that is currently linked onto my arms...How the hell did this happen? Eyes locks on the metallic cuff, I notice the my trembling hands. Weak... I feel weak. Not just weak, but lightheaded as well.

Drip

“What? You didn't expect us to find you?”

My mind snapped back into reality. I gazed back towards the empty darkness. I stared back to find this voice. I had forgotten about this man before me. Who was he again? My thoughts begin to backtrack. My head shoots back and I gaze at the sky. This time the moon is slightly present.

“Muuu...”

My body clings together into a shape of a ball, causing the chains to dance around. The pain returned... Wait. Muuu? Why did it come out as Muuu? Stretching my lips as far as possible, I begin to feel a cloth rubbing against my lips as well as something inside my mouth slightly moving. A gag? Why am I gagged? And why did it have to be double layered? Is this object in my mouth a sock? And around my head a linen cloth is tied as an insurance to make sure I don't spit out the sock?

Drip

All of a sudden I felt a rotten taste. The taste of something salty. Something similar to sweat... I shoot outwards from my seat, and get yanked back into it. My body slams against something hard and heavy. The chair didn't even tip. My wrist, waist and ankles felt an immediate pain. Not that slight sting of rubber band getting flicked against the skin, but something like a burst... A burst of pain that had been sleeping. A sleep pain that just woke up. Suddenly, my eye began to pulsate once more and I opened my mouth to let out all the pain.

“MUUUUUU!”

“Don't even try... Alex was it? My men have bound you to that seat...”

A seat? Why am I bound to this chair? But as I began to think deeply about it, a thought occurred. A dreadful thought. I'm a prisoner to this man. I am a criminal who has been judged and am being punished by the criminal himself. This man must be a criminal! He has to... Who else would have the sanity to bind an innocent man onto a chair? Then another thought occurred...

“You've messed with the wrong people you know? I had to come down personally to deal with this problem.”

This smell... Saltwater? Why do I smell salt water? Tap... Tap... Tap... The sound of footsteps slowly approached.

Drip

Something falls onto my lap.

Splash

A foot steps into a puddle.

“But now here we are...”

A pair of hands grabbed my shoulders. Is it the man who had been talking till now? Had he encircled behind me without me even taking noticing.

Drip

Something dropped again on my lap. It was liquid. Cold. What fell on my lap? But then I felt it. Something. Liquid? On my face! No... It was my face! Not just the pool of saliva that seemed to have formed on the tip of my chin, but something else. Something was coming out of my nose... My nose? Snot? Was it truly snot? A salty taste entered my mouth. I've tasted this before... But where?

“MUUU!”

Arghh... The pain from my pulsating eye returned. I can barely think anymore. My mind's going blank... What is this smell? What is this taste? My mind beginning to spin and the saliva on my chin just keeps crawling down. And down! AND DOWN!

Drip

“Oh yes... Alex? I hope we...”

A pause... Wait... THE SEA! That's the smell. My mind goes blank... I feel the hands which rest on my shoulder gently rolling back. I stared blankly on the ground. Fingers... Fingers are now resting on my shoulders now. It's applying pressure, but I don't feel pain anymore... The pain has numbed my body. Moving... My body is moving...

“Muuu....”

I close my eyes... A final thought emerges... I'm tired...

Drip

18:40 of February 09, 1910

In the grassy meadow, a young lady sat alone under the shade of the tree. Not so far away, stood a cabin. To that young lady, that cabin had been the only home she had known. Grabbing a flower by it's neck she pulled it out. She leaned back against the tree and gazed at the flower. A beautiful purple monkshood. She gazed at it intensely, as the sun began to set. The light around her had disappeared. Her face turns towards the sun, to watch it set. Her eyes full of sorrow.

“Irene! Hurry up and get in!”

A voice had echoed from the distance. It was a young man. His hair is as dark as the dirt and his eyes as bright as the day sky. He was quite a handsome young man. Quite popular with the young ladies in the village as well. But he chose to live far away... He had no interest in women. He was a man of science, and his mind overcame every emotion his body could generate. He had been leaning against the door frame as he await the arrival of Irene.

Gazing up on the man at the door, she returned his command with a cold stare. It lasted for a few seconds, but she then broke eye contact to look at the flower in her hand. Without a thought, she crushed it into a ball, and stuffed it inside of her pocket. Pushing herself off the ground, she walked towards her only home.

“About time...”

The young man mumbled. The girl took her time to come to the door. It seemed as if she had no excitement or disappointment of being either inside or out. By the time she had arrive, the man asked.

“What did you put in your pocket?”

The girl did not respond. She just glared at him with her cold eyes. It was a staring contest. Both kept eye contact, and allowed the cricket's song to amplify in the silence. A few minutes had passed, and none had given in. Finally the man turned away, and went inside.

“Whatever. I guess you could keep something as simple as that. “

It had seemed like the man had figured what the Irene had placed in her pocket. Her hand hovered it, and patted against her pocket. Her expression remained empty, yet it seemed as she carried a woeful smile. She entered the house and closed the door behind her...

18:50 of February 09, 1910

Dinner was set on the table, and the man had been awaiting at the table. Irene takes the chair at the opposite end of the long table for six and stares at her plate of food. It was cold gruel. She stared up to see the man with a hot plate of rice covered in beans. Beef and spinach had been on the end of the rice. Besides the man's plate, was a large wooden cup filled with water. The girl finally thought to herself.

“Water...”

Annoyed at the staring Irene had been doing, the man coldly stares back and replies to her gaze.

“Yes.. It's water. Prepare yourself for tonight...”

And without another word, the man grabbed with fork and knife and began to gobble his food. Irene's gaze returned to her plate. She had grabbed a wooden spoon, stuck it into the white blob, and began to eat her food. She didn't flinch. No, she had already eaten this course millions of times. It had always been the same thing every day. It was tasteless. She had continued to eat, and upon finishing, she grabbed her pint sized cup and drank it all in one go. Looking up, she had saw the man wasn't even halfway done, so she got up, grabbed her dishes and brought them into the sink.

Leaving it there, she made herself into the other room. In the corner she sat, reached her hand in the pocket she fit the flow she had place there earlier, and stared into the flower deeply. The monkshood had been destroyed. One wouldn't recognize the flower if asked to. She sat alone in silence... Waiting...

19:20 of February 09, 1910

Clattering of the plates could be heard coming form the kitchen. A signal. Upon hearing it, Irene shoved the flower back into her pocket and raised herself off the ground. The man stood at the doorway. Irene stared at him, and began to walk. Making her way to the exit, the man began to lead the way. The passed the kitchen, and entered a living room. The man stopped.

“You forgot to light the fireplace...”

He looked back at her, but there was no reply. Scratching his head, he shrugged it off and walked towards the firewood in the corner of the room. He always kept spare firewood inside just in case something happened. Though there was already some wood in the fireplace, ready to burn, the man wanted something else from the pile of firewood. While the man occupied himself in the corner, Irene made her own way towards the fireplace. Bending forward, she pulled a slender, almost unnoticeable lever. The lever caused a creaking sound, and opened something inside the chimney.

Upon hearing this, the man looked at Irene, as he lifted some firewood from the top of the pile to the ground before her. Irene reached out inside the firewood, and closed her eyes. She was feeling the wind. A few seconds into this, and she could tell that the wind was flowing upwards. Opening her eyes, she knelt down before the fireplace, grabbed a box of matched which laid on the left side of the firewood. Opening the box, she grabbed three matches, held them closely together, as her fingers closed the box. Swiping the red part along the side of the box, the friction caused a spark, and caused the match to burn.

“Don't mess up this time. It's annoying to but some more.”

The man had said. Irene ignored him. Instead, she reached her hand out towards the fireplace, allowed her hand to slip through the cracks in the firewood, and reached the center of the traditional tepee looking arrangement. A few seconds inside, she finally released the match, and pulled her hand out slowly. She burnt herself. She just starred at the small burnt, barely noticeable.

“You seem to have done well.”

A small ember could be seen emitting from within the firewood.

19:50 of February 09, 1910[.color]

prologue to me continued...
Last edited by Rajikai on Wed Feb 08, 2012 9:17 pm, edited 5 times in total.
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Re: Spades of Time

Post by Natc »

well, that was fast, I don't really know what to say because I really don't know what is it about, sounds like some mafia killing thing to me :roll:
keep writing, :lol:
起きないから、奇跡って言うんですよ
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Re: Spades of Time

Post by Rajikai »

Will continue tomorrow... >< Takes longer to write than read.. Bah
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Re: Spades of Time

Post by Natc »

it was not that long,
and I suppose everyone here (or a lot of people) are accustomed to read fast, :roll: :lol:
and, obviously, writing is harder, but don't give up
起きないから、奇跡って言うんですよ
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Re: Spades of Time

Post by YoakeNoHikari »

If you say so. I don't know the line between constructive or not, but I won't just say that something is bad:
I was unable to for my eyes could barely make out anything within the darkness of the night.
Inappropriate conjunction. Try 'as'.
I couldn't exactly remember how I came to stubble into this situation
'Stumble'? Which isn't much better, 'came to stumble into' isn't euphonious. I don't think you need the first verb.
nothing else I could do but regret my decisions
Redundancy: Nothing I can do.
Verb conjugation: You use present conditional for 'can' though you identify the situation as 'now' just before, meaning the condition has already been fulfilled. This also brings up another point; the entire piece is written in narrative (past tense,) yet you choose to identify the time as 'now'.
That person which lead me into this 'chair.
Tense switches out of narrative, or perhaps a typo.

On another note, the flow doesn't sound so great to me, but I think this is more personal. I'd prefer using a different definite article, like 'the', and I think 'who' would be more appropriate than 'who' here.
Oh, did I mention that I've been bound with chains, like a prisoner, on this comfy concrete constructed chair.
You use present perfect.
A question mark would really help the flow.
I could feel the bulge from my black-eye growing every so much as my body attempted to accustom itself with the pressure this oh so lovely seat had been placing on my back.
Typo: ever.
'Accustom to', rather than 'accustom with'.
Flow isn't great. The sarcasm might need ellipsis, or maybe italics to be properly used.
I am already having a the most difficult time looking through this night, but with the addition of my left eye being useless, my sense of sight because void.
Now I'm thoroughly confused. It's really unclear to me whether you want this to be in narrative or present tense, as you switch back and forth. It isn't as if the protagonist is recounting a past event with narrative tense, since you used it to describe the current situation a number of times.

And this sentence doesn't make sense, so I'm not going to try to edit it.

I don't really have the heart, (or time,) to look over more than one paragraph, but I think what you said in this poor person's thread holds true.
Even eternity can be encased in ice.
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Re: Spades of Time

Post by Rajikai »

I slightly Updated the Part 1 of the prologue. It's exactly the same thing as last time, just a tad bit longer. Does it have grammatical mistake? Most likely. This is just for those who want to amuse themselves, or watch my work progress.
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Re: Spades of Time

Post by Rajikai »

A part of part 2 has been added.

Keep in mind that everything here is still in the Rough Draft form.
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Re: Spades of Time

Post by ShadowZeroHeart »

Still have no idea what the story is trying to talk about. Despite its length, nothing is revealed at all...
God!!
You need not forgive me.
For those I love,
The violence brought about by sinful men
Shall now be used once more.
If you were created to save this world,
If there is a single shred of hope left for the future of mankind,
I am very sorry, but, please begone!
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Re: Spades of Time

Post by Rajikai »

It's because It's still the prologue. I'm basically introducing the characters. I plan to introduce 1 more. You can say it's a different form of writing. I like the chaos writing style.
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Re: Spades of Time

Post by ShadowZeroHeart »

Rajikai wrote:It's because It's still the prologue. I'm basically introducing the characters. I plan to introduce 1 more. You can say it's a different form of writing. I like the chaos writing style.
Well, as a reader, there is no suspense or anything that is of special interest, so it makes it hard to have the feeling of "When is the next update coming??", or to even like the story, because there is really nothing available in content to the reader...

In the first part in 9 Feb 2012, there was no mention of names, character or anything at all.

In the later part of 9 Feb 1910, there were only 2 characters, Irene, whose identity nor her purpose stated. On one hand she seems like a slave yearning for freedom, on the other, it is strange why she even puts up with whatever it is. The other a man that shows no real personality either, except being a sadist? There is nothing to judge the characters, nor the setting of this story.

From the title and the times stated, I would judge that this is a story about time travel? But that is as much as it is possible to gather up to this point in time. A prologue would let readers anticipate what there is to come, or as you mentioned, introduce the characters. But so far, the "characters" introduced are so lacking in their character/appearance, I won't be surprised if they are those nobodies that are killed in the next chapter.
God!!
You need not forgive me.
For those I love,
The violence brought about by sinful men
Shall now be used once more.
If you were created to save this world,
If there is a single shred of hope left for the future of mankind,
I am very sorry, but, please begone!
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Re: Spades of Time

Post by Rajikai »

ShadowZeroHeart wrote:
Rajikai wrote:It's because It's still the prologue. I'm basically introducing the characters. I plan to introduce 1 more. You can say it's a different form of writing. I like the chaos writing style.
Well, as a reader, there is no suspense or anything that is of special interest, so it makes it hard to have the feeling of "When is the next update coming??", or to even like the story, because there is really nothing available in content to the reader...

In the first part in 9 Feb 2012, there was no mention of names, character or anything at all.

In the later part of 9 Feb 1910, there were only 2 characters, Irene, whose identity nor her purpose stated. On one hand she seems like a slave yearning for freedom, on the other, it is strange why she even puts up with whatever it is. The other a man that shows no real personality either, except being a sadist? There is nothing to judge the characters, nor the setting of this story.

From the title and the times stated, I would judge that this is a story about time travel? But that is as much as it is possible to gather up to this point in time. A prologue would let readers anticipate what there is to come, or as you mentioned, introduce the characters. But so far, the "characters" introduced are so lacking in their character/appearance, I won't be surprised if they are those nobodies that are killed in the next chapter.
On the first part, Alex got mentioned. Thank you for your concern. :) That's why I'm writing this. I'm not quite good with those stuff, So I plan to improve on my next update... Or at least try.
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Re: Spades of Time

Post by Rajikai »

For anyone whose actually reading it, and anticipating something new to be added, or my followers :) I have one thing to tell you. I have decided to make this prologue into Chapter 1, and make a new prologue.

What has gotten me to do this? Well every night, I build on my character's information. So far I have introduced 4 characters. Major or minor roles do not matter. As I thought about it, I began to increase the possibility of the plot. TBH, there never was a plot. The title, the story and anything else was made up on the spot. I had a rough Idea of what I was planning on doing, but it seems quite horrible to me. I'm therefore planning or remaking the plot, possibility changing the title as well.

The thing is, I am using the characters I've created and the plays that had occurred. I hope it's as good as I wish it would be. Monday or Tuesday will be when I add the real Prologue. Will it be good? Maybe? Will it be the final Edition prologue? No. The final edition will only come when the story is 100% complete, whereas, I go back and redo it all.

Thanks to ShadowZeroHeart, I can now focus on my character. I'm finding their stories quite interesting. I'm also really anticipating my interview with them. I wonder what they'll tell me.

Thank you for your time.
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Re: Spades of Time

Post by Rajikai »

A little late, But the Prologue is complete. Of course this is draft 1 and will get changed as I continue on the series. The Original Prologue has been made to chapter 1, and nothing is added to chapter 1.

The New Prologue is completely new. No one has read it yet...

Hope you enjoy, and inform me on the small details...
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Re: Spades of Time

Post by ShadowZeroHeart »

Rajikai wrote:A little late, But the Prologue is complete. Of course this is draft 1 and will get changed as I continue on the series. The Original Prologue has been made to chapter 1, and nothing is added to chapter 1.

The New Prologue is completely new. No one has read it yet...

Hope you enjoy, and inform me on the small details...
The prologue is quite well done, better than the currently available Chapter 1 if you ask me. However, I think you need some work on your English.
There are no limits to how much could win this contest in a day, however, thirteen is the minimum required. You are not required to participate in this contest, but none had ever declined the over to participate. For this, of course, there is a logical explanation...
How much one could win, or how many people can win this contest on this day? None had ever declined the offer? or the owner? While you said there is a logical explanation, it is not explicitly expressed this explanation. Even though it probably indicated death in the later part, nothing was mentioned about declining to participate in it.

The word "engraved" on these cards seems a little strange, since cards are usually rather soft. Unless the cards are made of something more solid, like wood, metal or stone, or else "engrave" seems a little weird.
The man shouted in confusion. His face was in panic. His breathing began to escalate and sweat began to form on his forehead. Shooting his hands to his chest, he confirmed his suspicion.
What was his suspicion...?
“However, it's not my first time hearing it. If I were to say an exact location, I'd guess it would be something like Judgment.”
Judgement is not a location... Perhaps you are trying to say a place to pass down judgement, like a court or something?
A cold sweat began to crept down his back. His eyes widen, as he realized the meaning behind these words. Running towards the desk, he smashes his hand against the it. Saliva shoots out his mouth as he continued.
In a state of panic, running towards the source of your fear seems like a weird thing to do. If he was just next to the desk, it still makes sense, but running over there just to smash his hand on the table seems rather weird.
The man fell back in fear, landing on his back.
This implies he fell flat on the ground, which is rather strange. Landing on his butt or something seems more natural.
“Yes... Quite a simple one. If you win, you will go back to were you came, however, if you fail...”
Where you came should be the words you meant.
“What do you mean... Sorr?”
You might want to end with "Sorr..." instead, because it seemed as if the sentence/question ended there.
Chains began to shoot out of his body in the direction of the metallic ground, and began to merge.
"in the direction of the metallic ground" seems weird. You probably meant shot down to the ground or something? The term seems as if "metallic ground" is a direction, which is weird.



For a start, you might want to give a clearer description of the location in the beginning. Such as describing the cold hard floor at the start, and that there is no other light source in the area. Upon the lamp going out, the room probably was all black, and the man probably could not see anything for a moment? All these could be described in more details to give a better mood and atmosphere.
God!!
You need not forgive me.
For those I love,
The violence brought about by sinful men
Shall now be used once more.
If you were created to save this world,
If there is a single shred of hope left for the future of mankind,
I am very sorry, but, please begone!
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Rajikai
Sailor Tsuki
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Joined: Mon Jan 09, 2012 10:10 pm
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Re: Spades of Time

Post by Rajikai »

Thanks for the reply. Will work on that tomorrow. Chapter 1 will be amazing. Don't know when I will get down to it, but if it matches my mental film, it should be great. About the English grammar, or improving my grammar. Well, that will be hard. I do plan to read more, and write more, but that's the only way I truly see myself improving. Reading grammar rules don't work for me. I'm an all hands-on person.

Keep in mind this is an experiment. Training. All to prepare myself for the final work. Amusement for those who crave it or help me :)

BTW, Shadow, you've been a great help.
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