Unknown World

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Codex9
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Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2012 4:04 am
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Unknown World

Post by Codex9 »

Hello, this is my first time trying to write up a novel series, usually I write up random short stories and so when I get bored and so one thing led to another and this is my first attempt.

Basically I'm trying to write a novel, and this is what I got so far, honest opinions are the best so don't hold back.

Unknown World

Topic 01 - Shino Yoshika - Strength

Prologue:
Spoiler! :
00 - 8th August, 5:04PM:

Shino Yoshika is well known for being one of the top students at our school. Smart, athletic, kind, hardworking, and the amount of enthusiasm she puts into school events is staggering. Actually it’s probably better to say respectable. I even remember overhearing that she hasn't missed a single lesson from as far back as kindergarten apparently.

She is a beautiful person.

Her slender body, long silky hair, and perfect looks that put even a model to shame. One would think she’s like any other stuck up girl with an ego to boast on, however this isn’t one bit true.

As first impressions are important, this would only apply upon meeting the person face to face. Anyone who has spoken to Shino Yoshika personally would know that she's a kind hearted person.

Shino is a role model, an idol to nearly all the students at school.
When I say nearly all students, I mean there are the minority that can't look at her that way. For example, a person such as myself.

Maybe it’s because everyone views her in the same image that I couldn’t bring myself to. I may sound paranoid but whenever I see Shino I always get the feeling that she’s hiding something. Things like she may have another personality that she doesn’t show anyone. Maybe she’s part of a dark organization, or even part of some military project bent on creating the perfect human.

I know it’s pathetic to think of a fellow student in such a way, but what I’m trying to say is that being a student with almost no flaws, someone you’d only expect to meet in fictional world, I can’t help but wonder, has there ever been a student like Shino Yoshika before? Are there any other students in the world that can compare to her? There was something about her that stood out more than the average person.

Well, it didn’t matter to me either way.

Shino and I have never conversed before. If I can recall correctly, the only time we have made contact was at the end of the first year. She went around the classroom wishing everyone a new year. Even then it lasted a second between me and her, so I don’t count that as anything.

I’m fine with ending my last year at high school like this. It’s easier for me and easier for everyone else, if you think of it this way, someone you’ve only spoken to once only end up becoming a memory of a person that existed in your life. I have no reason to remember my classmate’s faces and neither should they.

The same probably applies to Shino Yoshika herself.

She couldn’t possibly remember the face of every student in the many years to come after school, can she?

Like I said however, it didn’t concern me one bit.

So much had happened during the last two weeks, all I want to do more than anything is sleep for three days straight without a care in the world.

However,

On this particular day, late afterschool, Thursday where classes have ended for the day, it happened.

August 8th, two days before the half-term holidays, I decided to pack up quicker than usual and hurry on home. Even though there is one more day left until the week off, I just wanted to get home and sleep early for once.

Incidentally the quickest way home is for me to go out the back, where the grass sports fields are.

But, as soon as I took a step outside something unbelievable happened,

Crash!

Something, fell from the sky… It was a… car?

That's right, a car crash landed in front of me, being no more than a foot away. To be exact it was thrown from the opposite side of the court.

Impossible, I thought to myself.

How can it be possible for someone to toss a car from one end to the other? Even though I have seen it with my very own eyes, I still find it unbelievable.

When I looked around the car (praying that the car wouldn’t explode due to the impact) my eyes caught a glimpse of that person.

I really wished that I hadn’t looked behind the car to see who tossed it, unfortunately, I made eye contact with that person.

The person who tossed the car was none other than ‘HER’, Shino Yoshika.

Shino was so strong, she was able to toss that car with little to no effort.

The one thing I can say is this, the look in her eyes on that day... was quite demonic.
Part 01:
Spoiler! :
01 - 9th August, 4:33PM:

It’s now one day before the half-term holiday begins. And even though I wanted to pack up quicker than usual and hurry on home, I’m afraid I won’t be this time, not after yesterday’s incident.

Yesterday, I witnessed Shino Yoshika toss a car effortlessly into the air, a few seconds after noticing my presence and after our eyes met, well… she reacted differently from what I had anticipated.

I’ve always had assumed that Shino was the type of person to talk things through or at least take some kind of action towards a situation like this first hand, well, before me at the least.

But instead she did the exact opposite and ran away without uttering a word, and that in itself is what confuses me the most.

“Shino Yoshika?” Yukari Mikado suddenly stopped writing upon hearing my question, “I’m surprised you’re asking me about a student as popular as her, did something happen?”

“Well no… I’m just uh, curious about her background and all.”

Mikado tilts her head, “Hoh, you don’t say?”

“No, I mean well- her name is quite unique, I get the feeling I’ve heard that name before.”

“Shino, meaning ‘stem of bamboo’, and Yoshika, referring to someone whose always deep in thought. Is that what you meant?”

“That’s not what I’m trying to get at, but that is interesting to know Yuka- I mean, teacher.”

“I’m just a teacher, I only know what’s best for my student,” continuing to smile she averts her gaze towards the window and proceeds by adding, “Oho, curious about little Miss Shino? Do I sense love in the air?”

I told her to stop talking at that point.

Yukari Mikado.

She’s my current homeroom teacher and my mother’s little sister in law, firstly I’d like the stress out that the main issue here isn’t the fact that despite her being twenty one years old, she looks like a third year high school student, but at the fact that someone so smart is working in such an average school to begin with.

Short black hair, expensive smart glasses, not too strict with rules as many other teachers are, she is quite scary if you end up in her bad books, and not to mention she’s well respected by bother students and teachers alike.

The dream teacher males sought for, the idol that females aspire to be, that’s Yukari Mikado for you, my aunt in law and loving, caring teacher.

Achieving such a reputation within a year of being here is quite a feat, Yukari was truly a brilliant teacher in the eyes of many, it’s as if she had this mysterious aura around her that makes you think she was born to be a teacher, and that even when she retires, you’d still get the feeling that her teacher like traits would stick to her forever.

Yukari only recently became a teacher for about a year now, not to mention this is her first proper job at this school. After finishing her course at university and getting her degree, she jumped the gun and immediately signed up as a teacher as soon as the placement was available. Honestly, I’ve never asked why Yukari chose this school despite being offered much higher class places to attend.

What I trying to say here, is that if she was a student, her grades would probably even top that of Shino Yoshika, and that’s something. Yukari Mikado is just that smart.

I can still recall the first day where she introduced herself, and I’ll point this out beforehand, Yukari Mikado is a persistently kind person, the type of person that doesn’t budge one centimeter when she sets her mind onto something. Anyway, back on topic, the first declaration she made to the class on that was:

「”I’ll make sure you become a better person for the future!”」

Anyone would assume that she was referring to the whole class when she said that, that is, if she was standing behind the teacher’s desk at the front. Unfortunately the place where she stood was not the front of the room, but in front of my desk where I was sat.

I was neither a problem child nor a delinquent as far as I was aware, if I had to best describe myself, I’d say I’m that background character which has no relevance to any class activities taking place, whether I’m there or not wouldn’t make the slightest difference, that’s how I viewed myself in class. So that’s why when Yukari Mikado, my aunt in law and home room teacher declared that she’d make me a ‘better person for the future!’, it came to me as quite a shock.

What got more confusing was how I was forced to become Yukari’s assistant afterschool, and despite plenty of other male students that would have gladly loved this job, all I could do is sigh that I didn’t get a choice and that my afternoons afterschool have been taking away cleaning up the classroom and doing other tedious tasks.

And so,

That’s why I’m currently standing here in the staff room, helping Yukari with preparations for our class’s plan for this year’s summer festival. Unlike other schools, our one has a custom of doing a festival every season rather than yearly, which can be a handful considering exams closing around the corner.

“Okay, for the coming festival we need to be wary of our class funds, since the money is to be used all year round and not just for this season. I also think we shouldn’t do anything big since exams are right around the corner.”

Yukari spoke in a formal tone,

“What did your class do during the last two festivals?”

“I believe we used the swimming block for water sports last year, and the year before, we used the field for sport events.”

“Interesting idea, we don’t have to spend much on resources we already have that way, I’ll note that down,”

“Interesting? I thought the idea was a little bland last back then.”

“Hoh? Can’t you think of a better word to describe what you’re trying to imply?”

“Hm, then, how about… too cliché to my liking?”

“And the maid café idea you presented just now isn’t?”

“I never presented such an idea to begin with!”

“But you do want to see the girls in class in maid outfits don't you?”

The girls in class in maid outfits, thinking about it, I’ve never imagined- I then noticed the smirk on Mikado's face.

“...Please do not ridicule me with such nonsense.”

That’s right, I should act mature like an adult, think before you speak so they say.

“Oh, what is with that pause? Why don’t you just admit your fetish for maids?”

“I never had such a fetish to begin with!”

Gah! The words come out faster than I think! I shouldn’t have opened my mouth!

“Is that so? But I recall seeing such magazines under your bed.”

“No, I don't have anything under my bed!”

“Oh, my bad, you keep them in your bookshelf, well-disguised amidst other books right?”

“You seem to be enjoying this, aren’t you Yukari!”

I think my head’s beginning to spin,

“Ahaha, All joking aside, I don’t see anything wrong with using a normal, “cliché” idea is there? In the end it’s something that everyone can enjoy and take part in.”

“You put a lot of thought into this don’t you?”

“I’m just a teacher, I only know what’s best for my students, and with this, no one gets left out,” As she continues to flick through her notes she pauses momentarily and raised one eyebrow,

“Ah, by the way, I found something interesting about Shino since you mentioned her earlier.”

“Huh, what would that be?”

And just like that the topic shifted back to Shino again.

“I hear that little Miss Shino doesn’t take part in physical events during festivals. I know that it’s not customary to take part in all events, after all, there are too many events to count for the ordinary student…”

However Shino, Shino Yoshika,

“…Isn’t any ordinary student, is she?”

「”Shino Yoshika is well known for being one of the top students at our school. Smart, athletic, kind, hardworking, and the amount of enthusiasm she puts into school events is staggering.”」

I remember hearing about that, even though she took part in many different events, she chose to avoided physical events, and being a student as popular as her, minor details like that makes good gossip in school.

I can confirm this, I’ve been in her class for two years straight, and during that time I can point out the various small noticeable stunts she’s pulled to avoid “physical activities”.

One for example would be in physical education classes, I’ve noticed that she would avoid making physical contact with other female students by becoming the referee to avoid getting involved. It amazes me how teachers don’t question her about it, then again, she is a model student so they may have not noticed or cared.

Now if I were to say that, and I know this sounds really stupid but let’s say hypothetically speaking, that Shino Yoshika had superhuman strength, and I mean to an extent where she is capable of throwing a car to across the length of a football court.

Bear with me for a moment, now using this ridiculous theory let’s say with strength like that, she was unable to control her own physical strength and, as a result conflicts with most of her physical activities, like kicking a football would equal the same as firing a cannon ball, or playing dodge ball would result in some serious injuries, I can make a list of issues where this would conflict.

If this happened to be true, then wouldn’t hiding a secret like that be very difficult, especially when you’re a popular student like Shino where the slightest factor like being late for class ends up being the talk of the school.

And as supporting evidence to prove this ridiculous theory, I need to ask myself, everything that I witnessed yesterday, was it real?

“Are you okay? You seem very concerned about Shino, did something happen?” Mikado questioned me after a very short silence.

“Hm? No, nothing’s happened, I was just curious and all.”

I lied.

I didn’t want to drag anyone into this, especially Yukari Mikado of all people.

Plus, it’s a secret Shino has seemingly kept hidden for a year now, and I doubt anyone would believe me if I told them about her.

“So do I sense love in the air? Is that why you keep spacing out every so often?” Mikado teased.

“You’re wrong, completely wrong! It’s that-”

However, when I think about it,

“She’s a very hardworking classmate, but…”

She is defiantly like any other hardworking student, any can say that much of course.

But after witnessing what happened yesterday, I don’t think I can see Shino as just any ‘hard working student’. Her studies, her grades, everything she works hard for, alongside all that she continues to conceal that secret from everybody else. Her friends, her family even, everyone, if she’s managed to keep that a secret for so long, then…

“…I think she’s overworking herself.”

Looking back at the scene yesterday, the only thing I can end up saying with relief that I’m glad I wasn’t crushed by that car, being one foot away and all.

“Now that I think about it, wouldn’t you know more about Shino than me?”

“What makes you think that?”

“I mean after all, you’ve been in the same class as her for two years in a row right?”

“Well… that’s –”

“Not only that, if she overworking herself, wouldn’t you think she would have spoken to the teachers or consulted any stress related issues with close friends and family?”

“-That’s… probably true.”

“How about I reverse our positions on the topic then?”

“Huh, what do you mean?”

“I’ll ask you the question you asked me, what is it you can tell me about Shino Yoshika?”

What do I know about her?

“Um, let’s see, Shino Yoshika, someone that is well, respected by both teachers and students alike, always reaching top marks in nearly all subjects, and has perfect attendance during her three years of being here.”

“I see, interesting, but I already knew that, I was referring to stuff that I wouldn’t know.”

There was that incident from yesterday, but I can’t bring myself to say that.

“Can’t you tell me anything at all?”

“I might have been in her class for two years, but it’s a given I wouldn’t know anything personal about someone I’ve never spoken to.”

“I suppose so.”

“Not to mention I’m still trying to clear my head from what happened two weeks ago.”

“Two weeks ago?”

“Ignore that, that’s off topic sorry, please continue.”

“Well… okay then. Like I mentioned before, there isn’t much else about Shino that can be said aside from the common stuff everyone knows, from the looks of it, I think you should speak to her in person if you want to know more.”

That’s true.

In the end I’ll eventually have to meet with Shino face to face, even if Yukari didn’t tell me that.

“And even though I shouldn’t say this, I get the feeling she’s hiding something, it might be something trivial or something personal, but she has an air around her suggesting that she’s the type to keep secrets.”

I was surprised that Yukari thought the same way about Shino like I did. It’s one of the many factors I respect Yukari Mikado for, being able to see through people.

“I’m going to tell you this as a close friend rather than a student.”

A little off topic note, afterschool Yukari and I treat each other as friends rather than student and teacher, again, it’s another factor that I respect her for.

“Since most, if not all the students see Shino Yoshika the same way as you described her, then isn’t that no different than an idol or celebrity?”

「”Shino Yoshika, someone that is well, respected by both teachers and students alike,”」

Looking back at the comment I made a moment ago, I’ve realized that despite being respected by many, is that the extent of her relationship with everyone? Every person she’s spoken to, the people she’s worked with in class and taken part within events, I’ve never seen her with anyone that I assume was a close friend of Shino Yoshika.

“Sounds like a fictional character you’d see in a comic book or TV show.”

If the assumption that she has no close friends is true, then that would make her the opposite to me. For me, I don’t have many friends, mainly because I hardly put any effort into trying and I hardly get involved with school activities, I really didn’t care. Shino however, has put a lot of effort getting along with everyone and trying her best in school activities, because of the way everyone looked up to her, there was no one on her level to be considered a ‘friend’.

I’m at the bottom, Shino is at the top.

That was my selfish assumption of how I compared Shino Yoshika and myself.

“She’s certainly a mystery, inside and outside of school.”

“Ah, outside of school? Is there anything about her outside from school?”

“Before you ask, I ain’t telling you her phone number.”

“That’s not what I wanted.”

“Hoh, I ain’t telling you her address either.”

“You make a living out of teasing me so much, don’t you?”

All she does is smile aimlessly.

“In all seriousness, I can’t tell you anything that’s in her school records for legal reasons, but I can tell you about a rumor that was mentioned among the teachers.”

A rumor among the teachers?

“During the April holidays last year, it was rumored that she ran away from home for around a week, but it’s an incident that we chose not to dwell upon.”

“And why’s that?”

“Because it’s a personal thing, not something that involves the school, nor is it something that you would want others knowing about.”

“I see.”

“I’m afraid that’s all I know, I’m sorry I couldn’t provide much else.”

“No, that’s helped me quite a bit to be fair, thanks teach-”

“Yukari, you’re allowed to call me Yukari afterschool when no other student is around.”

“Okay, I’ll do that, thanks Yukari.” I couldn’t help but force a smile to hide my anxiety.

Ever since that incident yesterday, I kept asking myself, what was I trying to figure out?

How am I supposed to approach her?

Do I even know the cause of her problem?

And if so, what should I do then?

“But my overall view of her won’t change.” Yukari spoke out to break the silence.

“Your overall view?”

“Little Miss Shino’s existence… is a really attractive one to say the least.”

Ah.

That might be it.

Attractive, so much so she gets a lot of attention.

That demonic look in her eyes.

That extraordinary strength.

“Maybe it’s coincidence…”

Well known by all.

And a slight chance that, someone was out for her.

“…But I’m not taking any chances this time.”

“Sorry, did you say something?”

“Yukari, I remember there was something very important I needed to do.”

“Something other than sleeping!?”

“Why do you look so shocked! Is it that surprising!?”

Calm down, I don’t have time for this.

“I need to see Mr. Kyou, it’s pretty important.”

“Is that so?”

“Yeah, I forgot to clean up his place yesterday, and I have work he wants me to finish by the end of the week.”

“And helping him out is more important than helping me out?” Mikado’s expression was nothing more than a tease.

“Is it okay if I leave early for today?” I kept my tone in voice quiet and formal.

“As long as you come into school tomorrow for an hour to help out, then I’ll allow this for once, hurry one now, you don’t want to keep Kyou waiting then.” It was clear that she saw through me, yet I’m thankful she doesn’t question it.

“I’ll think up a few ideas for the festival tomorrow, if not then I’ll follow through with whatever you decide on.”

“Thank you Yukari, I’m in your debt again.”

“Yeah, yeah,” She shakes her hand telling me to shoo, “Say hello to Kyou when you’re there.”

“Shall do.”
Part 02:
Spoiler! :
02 - 9th August, 4:49PM:

Walking out of the staffroom, I close the door behind me, then after taking ten steps I started running down the empty corridor.

I figured that if I wait out the back entrance, there’s a chance Shino may pass by there, that or the possibility that she tries avoiding me by going out the front way, regardless I didn’t have much choice but guess, cause in the end, I can’t be in two places at once.

I jump down the set of stairs before me, taking a left turn and continuing down the end of the corridor.

If Shino doesn’t appear, I’ll head down to Mr. Kyou’s place without her, if she does however, I’ll need to convince her.

“Almost there…” I said to myself as I reach out to open the back door, taking a few steps outsides.

“What were you talking about with Mikado back there?” Asked a voice from behind, I suddenly stopped running and-

!!?

I felt a huge force of wind fly right by my head, no, that’s not a good enough way to describe it, the best way is to say that a bullet train past my head, with a few centimeters away from contact.

“! Guh-!!”

Suddenly I felt a tight grip tightly clawing the back of my head, I froze on the spot, feeling like I’m being held at gun point.

“Don’t move if you know what’s best for you.”

I recognize that voice without a doubt. In fact, it would have been very surprising if someone from our school couldn’t tell whose voice that was.

“Shino… Yoshika…”

Out of all situations, this was defiantly the most unexpected one that I had in mind for our first meeting.

“My oh my, so you know who I am? Then that saves me a bit of time.”

I want to turn around, but my body was refused to move, shaking in fear. And no, it wasn’t because of her strength, it wasn’t because of her powerful grip, I was well aware of what she’s capable off, the truth was that I was scared that the Shino Yoshika standing behind me was acting completely different from the ‘stereotyped’ image I imaged.

Recall what I said before? How I thought that maybe she had another personality that she doesn’t show anyone? Well, I take that back, I wish I was wrong.

“Don’t seem so surprised, this is who I really am, now I want you to keep your mouth shut, why don’t you use that ‘head’ of yours kay?”

“!” The grip at the back of my head had gotten tighter.

That’s it, when this is all over I’m going to lock myself in the house for the rest of the holiday.

“You’ve been doing a lot of snooping haven’t you? Going around asking questions regarding me, my, isn’t that a bit rude?”

“U-um… Oi…”

“Oh? Sorry, that wasn’t a question, after all, you’re not supposed to talk, are we clear?”

?!! I felt a sharp and painful grip around my left arm, Shino pulled it back and held my arm towards to my back, from the way it looks now, she could easily pin me down to the ground without effort.

I was closing my eyes hoping Shino wouldn’t do anything more.

“You’re not allowed to speak, alright?”

“…” I didn’t know how to reply, speaking now would only contradict what she just said.

“Nod for yes, shake for no, are we clear now?”

“…” I nod once.

「“Anyone who has spoken to Shino Yoshika personally would know that she's a kind hearted person.”」

Dear God, I can’t believe I’ve been in the same class as her this entire time, I really, really thought she was a kind hearted person, but that isn’t true at all! Not where I’m standing at the moment!

In fact, I’m scared, terrified even! The last time I’ve been this scared was when I got fillings put in at the dentist!

“I was surprised that anyone else uses the backdoor here, I thought I was the only one.”

“…”

Actually, plenty of people do, however in their case they use the back entrance at 3 o’clock when school ends, which leads me to believe you wait until late afterschool to leave right? Hence meeting me at that time.

“I never expected a mosquito flying around, I don’t sit too well with bugs, that scared the hell in me, so that’s why…”

“…”

What is this girl going on about? Mosquitos? Ahaha, there is no way she’s referring to-

“…sigh, that’s why I tossed the car.” Shino said whilst yawning.



Oi! Don’t say that with such a bored expression! You can’t be serious! Is that your real reason for doing that?! I refuse to believe this! Let me yell or make a jab at the very least!

So, it seems that my life is in the hands of a girl that apparently dislikes bugs, okay, sure, I’ll play along with that for now.

“…”

“You’ve must have noticed already, in fact, there is no way you wouldn’t have by now.”

The bored tone from her voice, it seems like she’s been in a similar situation before, if you take into consideration the many students there are, the chances are that I’m just ‘another person’ to her, another person whose stumbled upon Shino Yoshika’s secret.

“That’s right, I’m inhumanly strong.”

That’s right,

Her strength was indeed monstrously strong.

“Even though I say that, it should be physically impossible to have this much power, and based on my build and body structure, I simply don’t have enough muscle on to throw a car.”

From my guesses the heaviest object she could pick up is the teacher’s desk maybe?

!? She tightens her grip on both my head and arm.

“!”

“Don’t think of me so lightly, you were probably guessing what someone with my build is capable of lifting right?”

Wow, your guess was spot on.

“I’ve tested the full extent of my strength you know. Back in April it was, there was a day where the city shook for a few seconds, lucky no one got injured that day, but it isn’t exactly pretty when I’m the one who was responsible for it.”

An earthquake…

Your telling me you’re capable of causing an earthquake!?

I can’t even bring myself to imagine such a scene, rather, what was I doing when the city ‘shook’? No wait, that isn’t what’s supposed to concern me right now, my main worry now is how much I misjudged her strength by a large margin.

By what I mean is that if that’s the case, then being hit by a car would be nothing compared to a punch from Shino.

“…”

“Well, despite having this much strength, I don’t feel any different from when I was still considered ‘normal’, the main difference is that I feel like a giant when I make physical contact with another person, the difference between us is too much to handle.”

“…”

The laws of physics don’t apply with Shino?! Or actually, let’s say the average adult’s strength is 1/10th, but when I am to imagine her strength then it would probably be 10/100th, that’s beyond basic logic, it’s just not possible for the human body to reach such a state.

So that’s why it’s physically impossible for her.

“…”

If her body wasn’t in that state, then she would have been seriously injured, if you take into consideration her build, no matter how you look at it, she isn’t capable of lifting a car, yet alone throw one across a football field.

“Sigh, what am I going to do with you.”

I’m not allowed to speak, therefore it’s seemingly not possible to talk my way out of this situation, aside from that, something else is bothering me, I’ve always been under the impression that Shino is the type that is really good with secrets, despite this, why is she telling me all about her strength?

“It happened a year ago ya know,” Shino spoke in a serious tone, “it was one week during the holidays, I wandered off to the village temple, to be honest I wasn’t expecting anything to happen at, now that I think about it, I don’t think anyone could have imagined such a situation to occur.”

Shino paused for a few seconds,

“…?”

“I met a monster.”

Wait what, monster? That’s not very specific at all, a monster as in the ones you see in a horror movie? Or was she describing a person as a monster? What is this girl trying to say? Importantly, what did it look like?

“That ‘thing’ gave me this abnormal power… to this day I still can’t get my head around what happened, it’s all a blur to me.”

“…”

“Oh, I don’t expect you to understand, you’d only continue to annoy me if you keep asking questions which is why I’m telling you now, okay Kazuko? Kazuko, Su-gi-ura~”

Aside the creepy pronunciation of my name, that’s probably the first person, excluding my family to call me by my full name, as flattering as I’d imagine it would be, it’s pretty damn scary, especially where I stand right now.

On another note, it seems Shino really can remember people’s name’s pretty well.

“It seems the only other person who knows about my strength is well, no one at all, just you Kazuko.”

That’s surprising, her expression and way of acting felt well planned, I find it hard to believe I’m the only one…

“Not even my parents know, luckily they’re busy with their jobs so it wasn’t that bad, ever since last year, I’ve managed to keep this a secret from everyone up until now.”

“…!”

“What should I do to make you keep your mouth shut? I know I sound like the bad guy here, but the “needs of many, outweigh the needs of the few” was it? What I really want to do is help others, even if it means having to do this to just you.”

Hey now, is this person okay? Has she broken down? Is this her true personality? I can’t tell heads or tails anymore, it seems I’ve been in the same class with a sadist for the last two years.

Or maybe she’s pretending? The only thing I’m certain about right now is that I’m scared stiff because of Shino Yoshika.

“You’re probably wondering if I’ve ever asked for help? My answer is no, if I was to see a doctor or anyone for that matter and this gets leaked, it’d be the talk of the century.”

“…”

Eh? For a moment there, I let my guard down, my body suddenly relaxed.

Not asking for help?

Not even her parents?

Not even to a close friend?

What tough choices did she have to make? How far did she go to hide her secret? How many people did she have to lose for this?

How did Shino Yoshika feel about having to go through all that?

“I don’t want you to pity me, but it’s rather late to say that isn’t it? I don’t want it, I find it disgusting.”

“…”

“So moving back on what I originally wanted to ask you, Kazuko…”

! Shino suddenly let go of the back of my head tugging my left arm turning me around and pulled me towards her face, and speaking in a soft tone she said,

“Could you please not tell anyone my secret?”

As if I had any other choice in this situation.

I nodded once.

This was a one sided battle, I had no say in this whatsoever.

“I’m so relieved.”

She let out a sigh, seemingly satisfied with my reply.

That’s strange isn’t it? It was a one sided request and no matter how I looked at it I was in a situation where I couldn’t say no, and yet, she’s relieved with my reply.

“Thanks, you have my gratitude.” And with that she lowered the arm she had at the back of my head, after that was the right arm, which was gripping even tighter around my ar-

“Ga-!?!!”

Crack.

That’s insane,

Shino tightened her grip with so much force, she broke my left arm in the process,

It took a moment to sink in, but as soon as she let go, the pain was excruciating and I fell onto both my knees in pain.

I couldn’t feel my left arm at all.

Snap, my arm literally broke, I can’t move my arm, yet alone feel it, only the shocking pain being sent through my whole body was what left me quivering on the ground.

“!!!!....Argh…!”

I’m clutching my arm tightly.

“My, aren’t you a tough person, not screaming or shouting in pain.” Shino yawned, with a bored expression.

“…!!!”

“That’s the least I can do to repay you, starting tomorrow you don’t speak with me, nor do you let anyone know about my little secret~ okay?”

“Gah-ah!!!”

Crunch,

The sound came from her knuckles.

Her tightened fist was more than enough to prevent me from having any say in this. She hasn’t even laid her hand on me and I’m scared looking like a fool.

“No, no, no, you’re not allowed to speak remember?”

One step,

Two steps,

Three steps,

Four steps,

I stared at the ground and averting my gaze from Shino, and slowly I can hear footsteps of her getting further and further away, until there was no one else around.

“…Wow, what a scary, scary women.”

I can now establish that Shino Yoshika was hiding something

I slowly gather my strength and look down the corridor from outside.

“…”

Ah well.

I guess I could consider myself lucky, after all, for a person that can shake the world in a practical sense, she could have torn my arm off if she wanted, thinking it like that way was pretty damn scary.

That’s okay though.

I’ve been through a lot worse…

As I stood up, I reach out to touch my left arm to see if I can still feel anything.

“!!”

I felt a sharp pain fly through my dangling left arm, there was no blood luckily.

That’s right, this pain means nothing to me.

I stood looking around to see if anyone else was around, since it was pretty late, I’d doubt anyone else would be around, and if there was, I pray for that person’s luck… I really do.

All jokes aside, enough time has passed since my arm broke, and now I’ve cleared my head, I got an idea of what I need to do.

Back then, specifically three weeks ago, if the me from back then had to deal with this, I’d probably run away from this situation.

That’s what the average person would do right?

But, I’ve been through a lot worse, for two whole weeks to be exact, through hell and back.

Shino’s actions, her methods, it reminded me of back then, it reminded me of a certain individual I failed to save,

「“I'm sorry, I can’t save you...”」

And Shino… was someone calling for help, she’s acting the exact same way that person did, but this time I can help her.

“All right, my arm… should have healed by now.”

During those two weeks back then, I met an immortal being.

After I shook my arm, I started to chase after Shino Yoshika once more.
EDIT: Small edits on Prologue and Part 1, added 'draft?' of part 2.
Last edited by Codex9 on Mon Mar 19, 2012 12:54 pm, edited 17 times in total.
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Re: Unknown World

Post by ShadowZeroHeart »

Not bad, the story can move on rather well, however personally I find it hard to accept two sentences in this short paragraph.
What was impossible was the fact that I witnessed someone, with my own two eyes, tossing a car from one end to the other.

Well, it didn’t matter to me… is what I wanted to say, but when I looked around the car (praying that the car wouldn’t explode due to the impact) my eyes caught a glimpse of that person.
Seeing someone toss a car around, and "it didn't matter to me" is definitely strange...
Shino was so strong, it was as if she had tamed the strength of a demon that failed to possess her.
This sentence seems strange, it doesn't seem to make much sense. The sudden mention of a demon possessing her is strange, unless that is part of the view of their world, but nothing had been mentioned to indicate such a thing, so it seems really out of the blue.

Other than these two lines, the rest seems generally okay.
God!!
You need not forgive me.
For those I love,
The violence brought about by sinful men
Shall now be used once more.
If you were created to save this world,
If there is a single shred of hope left for the future of mankind,
I am very sorry, but, please begone!
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Re: Unknown World

Post by Codex9 »

First off, thank you so much for such a quick reply and an honest one at that, I'm really grateful.
ShadowZeroHeart wrote:Not bad, the story can move on rather well, however personally I find it hard to accept two sentences in this short paragraph.

Seeing someone toss a car around, and "it didn't matter to me" is definitely strange...
>What was impossible was the fact that I witnessed someone, with my own two eyes, tossing a car from one end to the other.
>When I looked around the car (praying that the car wouldn’t explode due to the impact) my eyes caught a glimpse of that person.

That's very true, I guess my best bet is to take out the 'it didn't matter to me' part right? Or would I be better off by using something to replace it?
This sentence seems strange, it doesn't seem to make much sense. The sudden mention of a demon possessing her is strange, unless that is part of the view of their world, but nothing had been mentioned to indicate such a thing, so it seems really out of the blue.

Other than these two lines, the rest seems generally okay.
Again, you're right again, it is relevant to the story the 'demon' and 'possessing' part, however that has yet to be pointed out until later on and is irrelevant to what is going on at the moment, so I'll re-write that small part.

EDIT:

Hows this instead?
Shino was insanely strong, she was able to toss a car without much effort.

The one thing I can say is this, the look in her eyes on that day... was quite demonic.
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Re: Unknown World

Post by YoakeNoHikari »

That was pretty good. I like the fixes.
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Re: Unknown World

Post by ShadowZeroHeart »

Codex9 wrote: >What was impossible was the fact that I witnessed someone, with my own two eyes, tossing a car from one end to the other.
>When I looked around the car (praying that the car wouldn’t explode due to the impact) my eyes caught a glimpse of that person.
Sorry to say this, but while the second edit is fine, I think the first edit could use a little more help.

This line is explaining the situation to me, indeed, but if you place the two lines together...
Codex9 wrote:
That was impossible, I thought to myself.

What was impossible was the fact that I witnessed someone, with my own two eyes, tossing a car from one end to the other.
It is strange that you are explaining something to the reader... You should instead tell the reader what you think, which is how the story moves on. So perhaps you can use something like...
That was impossible, I thought to myself.

How can it be possible for someone to toss a car from one end to the other? Even though I have seen it with my very own eyes, I still find it unbelievable.
God!!
You need not forgive me.
For those I love,
The violence brought about by sinful men
Shall now be used once more.
If you were created to save this world,
If there is a single shred of hope left for the future of mankind,
I am very sorry, but, please begone!
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Re: Unknown World

Post by Rajikai »

This is only an opinion. Don't take anything serious. Just take this as a ignorable suggestion. If you agree with some stuff, go ahead and do as you wish.
Sorry if it seems rude, blunt, or whatnot, but I only have attentions to help you out.
Spoiler! :
Shino Yoshika is well known for being one of the top students at our school. Smart, athletic, kind, hardworking, and the amount of enthusiasm she puts into school events is staggering. Actually it’s probably better to say respectable.
Comma Splice I believe. Period between staggering and actually.

I even remember overhearing that she hasn't missed a single lesson from as far back as kindergarten.
I don't think one time is needed. She's never might be changed to she hasn't. To as could be changed to from as. Apparently is optionable...
She was a beautiful person.
I believe it's She's beautiful. Maybe She is a beautiful person. Was makes it past tense.
Her slim {slender} body, long silky hair, and perfect looks that put even a model to shame. One would think she’s like any other stuck up girl with an ego to boast on, however this isn’t one bit true.
It could be both, but slender might be better. Comma after hair because you are listing her characteristics. that put even a model to shame maybe could be changed to puts even models to shame. Period instead of comma after shame. True one bit could be changed to one bit true.
As first impressions are important, this would only apply upon meeting the person face to face. Anyone who has spoken to Shino Yoshika personally would know that she's a kind hearted person.
I don't think the comma is needed between a fact that, she is indeed Also sounds like a mouthful... A suggestion is placed above. :)
Shino is a role model, an idol to nearly all the students at school.
was to is...
When I say nearly all students, I mean there are a minority that can't look at her that way. For example, a person such as myself.
Seems to blunt. I added I mean. couldn’t is past tense I believe. Can't might be better. For example I needs to be followed by a comma I think...
Maybe it’s because everyone views her in the same image that I couldn’t bring myself to. I may sound paranoid but whenever I see Shino I always get the feeling that she’s hiding something. Things like she may have a dual personality that she doesn’t show anyone. Maybe she’s part of a dark organization, or even part of some military project bent on creating the perfect human.
Viewed is past. Views could be better. Period after something. Another dual personality is stating that she has 4 personalities. Maybe another personaility or a dual personality. I went with a. Also period rather than question mark. Possibily comma. I went with comma. Or isn't needed. You got maybe. Comma after organization.
I know it’s pathetic to think of a fellow student in such a way, but what I’m trying to say is that being a student with almost no flaws, someone you’d only expect to meet in fictional world, I can’t help but wonder, has there ever been a student like Shino Yoshika before? Are there any other students in the world that can compare to her? There was something about her that stood out more than anything else.
I could understand the bold, but to much for me... Sorry I'll give you a hint. Comma splice... maybe anything else
Shino and I have never conversed before. If I can recall correctly, the only time we have made contact was at the end of the first year. She went around the classroom wishing everyone a new year, and even then it lasted a second between me and her, so I don’t count that as anything.
Period rather than comma. Comma after correctly. Bold again... To much for me... Period vs comma after year.
I’m fine with ending my last year at high school like this. It’s easier for me and easier for everyone else, if you think of it this way, someone you’ve only spoken to once only end up becoming a memory of a person that existed in your life, I have no reason to remember my classmates faces and neither should they.
Ah... I'll give you a hint... You and I. As well as mouthful.
So much had happened during the last two weeks, all I want to do more than anything is sleep for three days straight without a care in the world.
Ahh.. I know the feeling... :)

On this particular day, late afterschool on a Thursday where classes have ended for the day, it happened.
Afterschool might be seperated... And... Mouthful?
August 8th, two days before the half-term holidays, I decided to pack up quicker than usual and hurry on home. Even though there is one more day left until the week off, I just wanted to get home and sleep early for once.
A is not needed after first comma. Period after home.
Something, fell from the sky… It was a car.
it is It.
That's right, a car crash landed in front of me, being no more than a foot away. To be exact it was thrown from the opposite side of the court.
That not needed. Period after away.
Impossible, I thought to myself.
If it is present, it should be something like Impossible, or maybe It's impossible. This isn't possible is also an option.
I really wished that I hadn’t looked behind the car to see who tossed it, unfortunately, I made eye contact with that person.
Who had tossed it, might be better. Even might not be needed. Comma to separate unfortunately from the sentence. Why? Don't know, sounds/looks better this way...
The person who tossed the car was none other than ‘HER’, Shino Yoshika.
Maybe put her as HER
Shino was insanely strong! She was able to toss the car without much effort.
Maybe exponent after strong. A to the?
I have no idea if you were aiming for past or present. Most seemed present, so I did it so it could all be present...
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Re: Unknown World

Post by Codex9 »

YoakeNoHikari wrote:That was pretty good. I like the fixes.
Thank you, I'm a little relived that it's readable, I was worried since it's my first proper attempt at a full story.
ShadowZeroHeart wrote: How can it be possible for someone to toss a car from one end to the other? Even though I have seen it with my very own eyes, I still find it unbelievable.
That fits perfectly, if it's okay to use that sentence instead? also noted the advice, even though I wrote random short stuff in the past, I still need to work on my writing ability.
Thank you.
Rajikai wrote:This is only an opinion. Don't take anything serious. Just take this as a ignorable suggestion. If you agree with some stuff, go ahead and do as you wish.
Sorry if it seems rude, blunt, or whatnot, but I only have attentions to help you out.
I agree with most of the stuff you pointed out, and though I don't mean to do it on purpose, I have this really annoying habit of mixing past tense and present together which I need to work on.

Though I took most of your advice and now it looks a lot more better so thank you also.

Also I don't see it as rude etc, I'm really grateful that people here are giving me some proper honest advice which makes me want to working harder when it comes to writing, and so I placed V2 here underneath to see how it is. Will be putting up part 2 today if that's okay.

Part 01 V2:
Spoiler! :
Shino Yoshika is well known for being one of the top students at our school. Smart, athletic, kind, hardworking, and the amount of enthusiasm she puts into school events is staggering. Actually it’s probably better to say respectable. I even remember overhearing that she hasn't missed a single lesson from as far back as kindergarten apparently.

She is a beautiful person.

Her slender body, long silky hair, and perfect looks that put even a model to shame. One would think she’s like any other stuck up girl with an ego to boast on, however this isn’t one bit true.

As first impressions are important, this would only apply upon meeting the person face to face. Anyone who has spoken to Shino Yoshika personally would know that she's a kind hearted person.

Shino is a role model, an idol to nearly all the students at school.

When I say nearly all students, I mean there are the minority that can't look at her that way. For example, a person such as myself.

Maybe it’s because everyone views her in the same image that I couldn’t bring myself to. I may sound paranoid but whenever I see Shino I always get the feeling that she’s hiding something. Things like she may have another personality that she doesn’t show anyone. Maybe she’s part of a dark organization, or even part of some military project bent on creating the perfect human.

I know it’s pathetic to think of a fellow student in such a way, but what I’m trying to say is that being a student with almost no flaws, someone you’d only expect to meet in fictional world, I can’t help but wonder, has there ever been a student like Shino Yoshika before? Are there any other students in the world that can compare to her? There was something about her that stood out more than the average person.

Well, it didn’t matter to me either way.

Shino and I have never conversed before. If I can recall correctly, the only time we have made contact was at the end of the first year. She went around the classroom wishing everyone a new year. Even then it lasted a second between me and her, so I don’t count that as anything.

I’m fine with ending my last year at high school like this. It’s easier for me and easier for everyone else, if you think of it this way, someone you’ve only spoken to once only end up becoming a memory of a person that existed in your life. I have no reason to remember my classmate’s faces and neither should they.

The same probably applies to Shino Yoshika herself.

She couldn’t possibly remember the face of every student in the many years to come after school, can she?

Like I said however, it didn’t concern me one bit.

So much had happened during the last two weeks, all I want to do more than anything is sleep for three days straight without a care in the world.

However,

On this particular day, late afterschool, Thursday where classes have ended for the day, it happened.

August 8th, two days before the half-term holidays, I decided to pack up quicker than usual and hurry on home. Even though there is one more day left until the week off, I just wanted to get home and sleep early for once.

Incidentally the quickest way home is for me to go out the back, where the grass sports fields are.

But, as soon as I took a step outside something unbelievable happened,

Crash!

Something, fell from the sky… It was a car.

That's right, a car crash landed in front of me, being no more than a foot away. To be exact it was thrown from the opposite side of the court.

Impossible, I thought to myself.
How can it be possible for someone to toss a car from one end to the other? Even though I have seen it with my very own eyes, I still find it unbelievable.

When I looked around the car (praying that the car wouldn’t explode due to the impact) my eyes caught a glimpse of that person.

I really wished that I hadn’t looked behind the car to see who tossed it, unfortunately, I made eye contact with that person.

The person who tossed the car was none other than ‘HER’, Shino Yoshika.

Shino was so strong, she was able to toss that car with little to no effort.

The one thing I can say is this, the look in her eyes on that day... was quite demonic.
Last edited by Codex9 on Fri Jan 20, 2012 6:40 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Unknown World

Post by ShadowZeroHeart »

I know it’s pathetic to think of a fellow student in such a way, but what I’m trying to say is that being a student with almost no flaws, someone you’d only expect to meet in fictional world, I can’t help but wonder, has there ever been a student like Shino Yoshika before? Are there any other students in the world that can compare to her? There was something about her that stood out more than anything.

I know it’s pathetic to think of a fellow student in such a way, but what I’m trying to say is that being a student with almost no flaws, someone you’d only expect to meet in fictional world, I can’t help but wonder, has there ever been a student like Shino Yoshika before, are there any other students in the world that can compare to her?
Probably a mistake, but the paragraph appeared twice, with the first having an extra sentence.
God!!
You need not forgive me.
For those I love,
The violence brought about by sinful men
Shall now be used once more.
If you were created to save this world,
If there is a single shred of hope left for the future of mankind,
I am very sorry, but, please begone!
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Re: Unknown World

Post by Codex9 »

ShadowZeroHeart wrote:
Probably a mistake, but the paragraph appeared twice, with the first having an extra sentence.

Oh wow, sorry about that, I was editing in one document and was supposed to replace it in another, however both paragraphs there aren't even the one I was going to use.

Fixed with the extra sentence I originally planned on using.
"Everyone in this world has different views to one other, therefor the way we see things 'equally' ourselves, can vary from person to person."
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Re: Unknown World

Post by Codex9 »

Part 02 V1:
Spoiler! :
“Shino Yoshika?” Mikado Yukari suddenly stopped writing upon hearing my question. “I’m surprised you’re asking me about a student as popular as her, did something happen?”

“Well no… I’m just uh, curious about her background.”

Mikado Yukari tilts her head. “Hoh, you don’t say?”

“No, I mean well- her name is quite unique, I’ve felt I’ve heard that name before.”

“Shino, meaning ‘stem of bamboo’, and Yoshika, refers to someone who whose always deep in thought. Is that what you mean?”

“That’s not what I’m trying to get at, however that’s pretty amazing Mika- I mean, teacher.”

“I’m a teacher, I know only what’s best for the students,” continuing to smile she averts her gaze towards the window and proceeds by adding, “Oho, wanting to learn more about her? Do I sense love in the air?”

I told her to stop talking at that point.

Mikado Yukari.

My current homeroom teacher, and my mother’s little sister in law, firstly I’d like to stress out that the main issue here isn’t that the age difference between me and her is about two years, but the fact that despite her looks and age she’s also a working here as a teacher.

Short black hair, expensive smart glasses, not too strict with rules as many other teachers are, she is quite scary if you end up in her bad books, and not to mentions she’s well respected and liked by both students and teachers alike.

The dream teacher males desire, the person that females aspire to be in the future, that’s Mikado Yukari for you, my aunt (in law) and loving teacher.

Achieving this reputation despite being here for a year, Mikado had this mysterious aura around her that makes you think she was born to be a teacher, even in the future after she retires, you’d get the feeling that she won’t lose any of her teacher-like traits.

As previously mentioned, Mikado and I have a two year age gap and that she’s became a teacher here last year. After finishing her course at university and getting her degree, she jumped the gun and immediately became a teacher here as soon as she was given the chance, continuing to impress many alike to this day.

If she was still a student I’d imagine that her marks would be number one, topping that of Shino Yoshika herself, and that’s quite a feat to pull off, she’s that smart.

Mikado Yukari was someone that seemed out of this world, that’s how much I look up to her.

I can remember on the first day where she introduced herself, and I’ll point this out beforehand, she is a persistently kind person, the kind of person that doesn’t even budge one centimetre when she makes her mind up. Anyway, the first declaration she made to the class on that day was:

‘I’ll make sure you become a better person for the future!’

Anyone hearing that would assume she was referring to everyone in the room… If she was standing at the front of the classroom, unfortunately the place where she was standing was not where the blackboard was but in fact the front of my desk.

I was neither a problem child nor a delinquent as far as I’m aware, if I had to describe myself, I’d say I’m that guy who doesn’t stand out and doesn’t complain about it because he doesn’t care. That’s why when Mikado Yukari, my aunt in law declared that she’d make me a ‘better person’ like that, it came to me as quite a shock.

What was more confusing was how I was forced to become Mikado’s assistant afterschool, this means cleaning the classroom and carrying papers to the staff room.
And so,

That is why I’m currently here at the moment in the staff room, helping out Mikado with preparations for the school’s summer festival, incidentally there’s a festival every season at our school, I consider this quite a handful since it’s coming close to exams.

“For this season’s festival, the one thing we need to keep an eye out for most is our school funds, as the money is for the whole year round and not one season, I was also thinking we shouldn’t do anything big this season considering exams being right around the corner.” Mikado spoke in a formal tone.

Thinking about the exams and budget first, it’s like Mikado read my mind just now, full of surprises as always.

“I didn’t get time to check up on the last two years, what did you students do during the last two summers?”

“Water sports event using the swimming block and sports day event using the field I believe.”

“Interesting, using resources we have rather than spending on newer resources, that’s pretty clever.”

“You think? Those events sound too normal in my opinion.”

“Normal you say? Can’t you think of a better word to describe what you’re trying to imply?”

“Okay, then how about cliché?”

“And the maid café idea you presented just now isn’t?”

“I never presented such an idea to begin with!”

“You’re predictable as always, falling for that one.”

“Please stop exploiting my weak points.”

“Don’t you mean stop exploiting your fetishes?”

“I never had such a fetish to begin with!”

“Is that so? You sound too normal in my opinion.”

“You seem to be enjoying this, aren’t you Mikado!”

“All joking aside, there doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with a normal idea is there? It’s something everyone can agree on to a certain degree after all.”

“I guess so, smart as always teacher.”

“I’m a teacher, I know only what’s best for the students,” Flicking through the papers Mikado’s raised one eyebrow, “I found something interesting about Shino Yoshika by the way, though I can’t confirm this since I wasn’t here a year back.”

“Hm, what would that be?”

“From last year during March onwards, I’ve noticed that Shino didn’t take part in any physical events during the recent season festivals. I know that it’s not customary to take part in all events, after all, there are too many events to count for the ordinary student…”

However Shino, Shino Yoshika,

“…isn’t any ordinary student, is she?”

{The amount of enthusiasm she puts into school events is staggering.}

That was a year ago, even though she took part in events, she took part in very few, making it noticeable.

With me being in her class for two years straight, I’ve noticed a few other things that one would consider ‘normal’, like in physical education classes from March last year she would avoid making physical contact with the other female students and those other times where she became referee for sports to avoid getting involved. No one notices since she technically is getting involved with class and so, and I may be paranoid to think that she has something to hide.

But what if, and I know this would sound stupid but what if…

What if Shino Yoshika was hiding the fact that she is insanely strong, I meant to an extent that she is capable of throwing a car from one side of the average football court to the other.

Now let’s say she doesn’t know how to control her own strength, this would cause problems with her daily life, such as kicking a football would result in having the same strength as a cannon ball, or maybe that playing catch with a partner in class would result in someone’s head getting smashed in, there would be a lot of cases where she would have issues.

If this happened to be true, then hiding a secret like that would be very difficult, especially where she stands in the view of many students looking up to her.

Now the main question I need to ask myself now, everything I witnessed from yesterday, was it real?

“You seem worried, did something happen between you and Shino recently?” Mikado questioned me after that short silence.

“Not really, nothing out of the ordinary.”

I lied.

I don’t want to get anyone dragged into this, especially not Mikado Yukari of all people.

“So her hardworking attitude has motivated to work hard in life? Or maybe it’s love~” Mikado teased.

“Like hell it is!”

Now that I think about it deeply,

“Hardworking huh…”

She is defiantly a hard working student, from any student’s point of view.

But after witnessing what happened yesterday, I don’t think I can see her as a hard working student, but probably something on a higher level.

Studies, reputation, grades, events, she works hard among all those topics. Outside her school life she is probably working hard on trying to hide that secret of hers, maybe her family knows or not knows, but the fact that she needs to also work on hiding it from everyone in school.

And that in itself is impressive, insanely impressive.

“…She probably works a little too much.”

I also can’t dismiss this as Shino being naturally strong, nor can I say reason why she doesn’t get involved in anything physical is because she doesn’t want to injure anyone, though that reason is probably true, her strength is far off from the average human.

Looking back at that scene yesterday, I can say with confidence that I’m fortunate enough that I’ve not been crushed by that car, being one foot away and all.

“Now that I think about it, wouldn’t you know more about Shino than me?”

“Why do you think that?”

“I’ve been here for a year, you’ve been here for three, and on top of that you’ve been in the same class as Shino since last year, am I wrong?”

“Well… that’s –“

“Not only that, if something was wrong, wouldn’t you think that little Miss Shino would have spoken to the teachers or consulted it with her friends or parents by now?”

“That’s… true.”

“Then, how about I reverse the topic then?”

“Huh, what do you mean?”

“I’ll ask you this as a teacher to her pupil, what is it you can tell me about Shino Yoshika?”

“Well Shino Yoshika, a student who’s always makes the top marks in nearly all subjects. She is respected by both students and teachers alike, and has perfect attendance within the three years of her attending here.”

“Interesting, however I already knew that, I was referring to stuff that I wouldn’t know.”

There was ‘that’ from yesterday.

“Can’t you tell me anything at all?”

“I’ve been in her class for the past two years. Naturally for someone I’ve never spoken to, I’d only know things that have been passed around the school, like rumours and the basic stuff.”

“That’s a valid point.”

“Not to mention I’m still trying to clear my head from what happened two weeks ago.”

“Two weeks ago?”

“Ignore that, it’s off topic sorry.”

“Well… okay then. Like I mentioned before, there isn’t much else about Shino that can’t be said other than most of the common stuff you pointed out. And even though I shouldn’t say this, I get the feeling that she is hiding something.”

Wow, I was surprised that Mikado was part of the minority of people that felt the same way towards Shino like I did.

One of the many factors I respect Mikado Yukari for, being able to see through anyone.

“Hide something, as in?”

“I’m only telling you this as a friend rather than a student.”

The second of the many factors I respect Mikado Yukari for. She treats me equally when school has passed or the weekend.
“Since most, if not all the students see Shino Yoshika the same way as you spoke of her, then that’s not how a friend would look at her, but that’s how we would see a celebrity or an idol.”

The one part of that sentence I thought about carefully was the fact that even though Shino is respected by all, that is the extent of her relationship with everyone, as far as I’m aware I’ve never seen her with anyone that she considers a close friend.

“Maybe I’m looking at this too deeply, but she seems to be working a lot harder than usual, maybe because of the pressure of being looked at as an idol to all.”

“That… must be pretty hard.”

I guess she’s similar to me, but has reached the same level by doing the exact opposite. For me, I don’t have many friends, but that’s because I hardly ever put any effort into trying and not taking part in school events, however for my case I really didn’t care much about it. For Shino however, saying that she had gotten along with nearly every student in class and taken part in every school event possible, and became famous for it and there is no one on her level to be considered a ‘friend’. Who knows? Maybe she doesn’t have friends outside school.

I’m too low down, and Shino is too high up.

That was my selfish assumption of how I saw Shino Yoshika and myself.

“She comes from a rich family apparently, her parents own two separate businesses, I can’t recall what they were exactly, but according to her records they’re a worldwide business.

“That’s news to me.”

“Like I said, it’s in her records, the again you’d be able to tell if she was from a wealthy family just by looking at her, she’s the kind of person that doesn’t boast about being rich, she really is a kind young girl.”

“Sounds like a fictional character you’d see in a comic book or TV show.”

“Speaking of which, there was a rumour that involved her family last year, but it was a rumour and probably isn’t true.”

“Last year?”

“Not surprising you wouldn’t know being a rumour among teachers, it happened at some point during April during the holiday, she apparently ran away from home for a week during the holidays, whether or not it’s true doesn’t concern us.”

“And why’s that?”

“Because it’s a personal thing, not something to do with school.”

“Thank you teach-“

“It’s alright, you can call me Mika afterschool when no one is around.”

“Shall do then, Mika.” I forced a smile to hide my anxiety.

Ever since I ran from what happened yesterday, I kept asking myself, what am I trying to find out?

“Well, there is one thing I can say about her.”

“What is that?”

“She’s a beautiful young lass, seems like she can attract almost anything, whether it’s a being from another world, or a man on the opposite side of the planet, I get the feeling she can pull that off.”

…Ah.

I can recall it now.

Attractive, so much so she gets a lot of attention.

That demonic look in her eyes.

That extraordinary strength.

“Maybe it’s coincidence…”

Well known by all.

Everyone is out for her.

“…But I’m not taking any chances.”

“Hm, what was that?”

“Ah, sorry, I remember something I needed to do.”

“You have something other to do then sleep for once?”

“Ha hah very funny, I need to see Mr Kyou.”

“You need to see him for what now?”

“Yeah, I forgot to clean-up his place yesterday, it’s that time of the week and I owe him again.”

“Helping him out is more important than helping me out?” Mikado’s expression was that of a tease.

“His is once a week, not something that I have to do every day like with you.”

Mikado Yukari was a smart person, as I said before she can see through anyone, even me. She could probably tell what I was thinking and what I’m planning on doing now. That’s one of the things I dislike about smart people.

“Is it okay if I leave early for today?” I kept my tone in voice quiet and formal.

“As long as you stay an extra hour with me tomorrow, I’ll allow this for once, hurry on now, you don’t want to keep Kyou waiting.” It was clear by the tone in her voice that she saw through me, yet I’m thankful she doesn’t question it.

Anyway seeing Mr Kyou seems like a good idea, after all, I and Mikado are in depth to him for many things.

“I’ll think up a few ideas for the festival tomorrow, if not then I’ll follow through with whatever you decide on.”

“Thank you Mika, I’m in your depth again.”

“Say hello to Kyou for me.”

“I shall do.”
Took longer than a day, but this is part 2, working on part 3 atm, and I do believe there will be errors on this part.
"Everyone in this world has different views to one other, therefor the way we see things 'equally' ourselves, can vary from person to person."
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ShadowZeroHeart
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Re: Unknown World

Post by ShadowZeroHeart »

Well, the two parts are relatively okay, though the sudden change in scene is a little strange.

At the end of the first part, the two saw each other. However, without a description of what happened to them, you moved on to him seeing his teacher. The two normal reactions are for Shino to either run away or threaten the protagonist. Judging from how he tries to get information from his teacher, I assume that Shino ran away? You might want to add that detail, as it can change how people views this Shino later on, it is part of the character development, and it shows on her personality.

Secondly, I would like to point out that Mikado is a little strange. That is to say her age and setting. I believe that the protagonist isn't in University, but Mikado, who is just two years elder, has finished university then. She probably was a genius or something, having to skip some school years? Don't forget, you said she is two years elder, and that she had started being a teacher here last year, which meant that she is only 1 year older than the protagonist when she started working as a teacher.

The other thing would be Mikado's authority in school, she seems to be handling too much for her experience.
“For this season’s festival, the one thing we need to keep an eye out for most is our school funds, as the money is for the whole year round and not one season, I was also thinking we shouldn’t do anything big this season considering exams being right around the corner.” Mikado spoke in a formal tone.
This might imply that she has access to all the school funds they have for the entire year. For a new teacher that has joined them for just one year, won't that be too much trust? Even teachers do not suddenly become professionals, they would need time to adapt and learn things when they just joined the career, yet Mikado seems to hold quite some power and status in the school, which seems strange.

I get the feeling that you read some Japanese light novels, and are trying to do something similar, but you aren't too good or familiar with it yet.
“And the maid café idea you presented just now isn’t?”

“I never presented such an idea to begin with!”

“You’re predictable as always, falling for that one.”

“Please stop exploiting my weak points.”

“Don’t you mean stop exploiting your fetishes?”

“I never had such a fetish to begin with!”

“Is that so? You sound too normal in my opinion.”

“You seem to be enjoying this, aren’t you Mikado!”
This seems like one of those chats we would see in some novels, but in this case, it is a little awkward from the interaction. One must remember that it is such minor interactions that would build their character. Personally, I would think that the line:
“You’re predictable as always, falling for that one.”
is not a good one for Mikado. She seems to act mature and tease the protagonist, but pointing it out there and then isn't something that she would say(sorry if I am wrong). Especially since the line seems out of place. "Falling for that one" is like landing him into a trap, but given what she said earlier, it is not a trap really? I would suggest changing that perhaps?
“And the maid café idea you presented just now isn’t?”

“I never presented such an idea to begin with!”

"But you do want to see the girls in class in maid outfits don't you?"

The girls in class in maid outfits--- I then noticed the smirk on Mikado's face.

“...Please do not ridicule me with such nonsense.”

“Oh, what is with that pause? Just admit your fetish for maids.”

“I never had such a fetish to begin with!”

“Is that so? But I recall seeing such magazines under your bed.”

“No, I don't have anything under my bed!"

"Yeah, you keep them in your bookshelf, well-disguised amidst other books right?"

"You seem to be enjoying this, aren’t you Mikado!”

My head is beginning to hurt...
Just an example. But it can change how people sees the different characters. You need to imagine the flow well, treat it like a normal conversation.

P.S. I seriously get the feeling you are a Nogizaka Haruka fan... I noticed it since part 1, with the description, and part 2 has someone like Yukari-sensei appearing with the name of Mika, Haruka's sister...
God!!
You need not forgive me.
For those I love,
The violence brought about by sinful men
Shall now be used once more.
If you were created to save this world,
If there is a single shred of hope left for the future of mankind,
I am very sorry, but, please begone!
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Re: Unknown World

Post by oninn »

I've d read the story so far and it's quite something... I'll look forward on reading the next update...


(Is this your first time writing a novel? Nope. That can't be true, right? Anyway... hmmm, just don't mind me. I'll probably visit to read again your story.)

Good day.
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Re: Unknown World

Post by Codex9 »

With university and such being focused on, I'm finding it hard to get some writing done (will have a re-write on part 2 and part 3 done by tomorrow) ;-; and I apologize for the late reply since I've been occupied preparing for exams over my area.

I'll give a proper reply in detail from the advice you've given me ShadowZeroHeart, (I'm so thankful I can't thank you enough lol, I'm going to keep trying my best) at the moment, I got some coding to finish for my university project.

PS: Nogizaka Haruka? I've only heard of the anime (and I never got to watch that), and I didn't realize the light novel was being translated either, also looking through that's a huge coincidence, Yukari Mikado that is, but I don't really want to do changing her name since the stories plot are different (this is based on somewhat supernatural occurrences within the city) hmm, nonetheless I'm doing a re-write on some part' 2 (the conversations and fix on Yukari will be completely changed)
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Re: Unknown World

Post by Codex9 »

ShadowZeroHeart wrote:Well, the two parts are relatively okay, though the sudden change in scene is a little strange.

At the end of the first part, the two saw each other. However, without a description of what happened to them, you moved on to him seeing his teacher. The two normal reactions are for Shino to either run away or threaten the protagonist. Judging from how he tries to get information from his teacher, I assume that Shino ran away? You might want to add that detail, as it can change how people views this Shino later on, it is part of the character development, and it shows on her personality.
True, it would make no sense if I make a sudden change like that, it may confuse the reader into thinking the next part takes place directly after that incident, so I was wondering what you think of this? I've placed it at the start of my V2 edit which I'm still working through.
Spoiler! :
The date is now August 9th, one day before the half-term holidays. Even though I wanted to pack up quicker than usual and hurry on home, I’m afraid I can’t now, not after yesterday’s incident.

On August 8th, I witnessed Shino Yoshika throw a car effortlessly into the air, shortly after that incident something after she and I made eye contact well... she reacted differently from what I had anticipated.

I always had assumed that Shino was the type to talk things through or at least take some action towards the current situation first hand, before me at least.

Instead she ran away without even attempting anything, and that itself is what confused me the most.

“Shino Yoshika?” Mikado Yukari suddenly stopped writing upon hearing my question. “I’m surprised you’re asking me about a student as popular as her, did something happen?”
I've decided to go with the first option, where she runs, after the talk with Mikado, he ends up meeting Shino once again to try and deal with the situation (this is what I have planned so I may change it depending on the flow and pacing of the story)
ShadowZeroHeart wrote:Secondly, I would like to point out that Mikado is a little strange. That is to say her age and setting. I believe that the protagonist isn't in University, but Mikado, who is just two years elder, has finished university then. She probably was a genius or something, having to skip some school years? Don't forget, you said she is two years elder, and that she had started being a teacher here last year, which meant that she is only 1 year older than the protagonist when she started working as a teacher.
This is a complete error on my part (and a clear contradiction there also), originally when I was trying to create her character, I wanted her to be seen as "that really smart person everyone looked up to", which led to trying to make her young and forcing multiple traits onto her making it seem force, therefore I did a self-review and re-did her character in some areas for example her age here (again a small part from edit V2 re-write):
Spoiler! :
Mikado Yukari.

She’s my current homeroom teacher and my mother’s little sister in law, firstly I’d like to stress out that the main issue here isn’t the fact that despite her being twenty one years old but looks like a third year high school student, but at the fact that someone so smart is working in such an average school to begin with.

Short black hair, expensive smart glasses, not too strict with rules as many other teachers are, she is quite scary if you end up in her bad books, not to mention she is well respected and liked by both teachers and students alike,

The dream teacher males sought for, the idol that females aspire to be in the future, that’s Mikado Yukari for you, my aunt in law and loving, caring teacher.
ShadowZeroHeart wrote:The other thing would be Mikado's authority in school, she seems to be handling too much for her experience.

This might imply that she has access to all the school funds they have for the entire year. For a new teacher that has joined them for just one year, won't that be too much trust? Even teachers do not suddenly become professionals, they would need time to adapt and learn things when they just joined the career, yet Mikado seems to hold quite some power and status in the school, which seems strange.
Again very true, my overall expectations for creating her was too high and way out of place from reality, I remember in part one where the MC talks about Shino
"There was something about her that stood out more than the average person."
And when I compare to Yukari well, I see it clearly that she was beyond the character Shino was, personality wise.

So I've done this, a couple of extracts on my V2 edits to clear up some things:
Spoiler! :
Achieving such a reputation within a year of being here is quite a feat, Mikado was truly the perfect teacher in many people’s eyes, like she had this mysterious aura around her that makes you think she was born a teacher, and maybe in the future when she retires, you’d get the feeling that her teacher-like traits would stick to her forever.

As I just mentioned, Mikado has only been a teacher here for a year so far, this is also her first proper job as a teacher. After finishing her course at university and getting her degree, she jumped the gun and immediately became a teacher here as soon as the option was available. Honestly, I’ve never asked why she chose this place when she was given the option of many higher classed schools than this one nor that I intend to.

What I mean is, if she was a student here, her marks would top that of even Shino Yoshika herself, and that is proven to be difficult. Mikado is just that smart.
And as for authority edit, I made it so that it's class funds rather than school:
Spoiler! :
That’s why I’m currently standing here at this moment in the staff room, helping out Mikado with preparations for our class’s plans for this year’s summer festival. Unlike other schools, this school specifically has one every season, in my personal opinion I see this as quite a handful considering exams closing by around the corner.

“For this season’s festival, we need to keep an eye out for our class funds, as the money set for each homeroom is something that is to be used the whole year round and not one season. I was thinking this season we shouldn’t do anything big since exams are coming up.” Mikado spoke in a formal tone.

As expected from her, thinking about what’s best for the students, I’ll never stop being amazed at her sense of thinking.
ShadowZeroHeart wrote:I get the feeling that you read some Japanese light novels, and are trying to do something similar, but you aren't too good or familiar with it yet.

is not a good one for Mikado. She seems to act mature and tease the protagonist, but pointing it out there and then isn't something that she would say(sorry if I am wrong). Especially since the line seems out of place. "Falling for that one" is like landing him into a trap, but given what she said earlier, it is not a trap really? I would suggest changing that perhaps?

Just an example. But it can change how people sees the different characters. You need to imagine the flow well, treat it like a normal conversation.
I won't lie, I was trying to something similar for conversations by squeezing stereotypes in (from looking at it now the structure is making Mikado seem out of character completely) and you're right on Mikado's character 'falling for that one' isn't even a trap, rather she doesn't even need to say it from what I gathered.

Well the best way is to show my V2 on that conversation, so this is what I've got:
Spoiler! :
As expected from her, thinking about what’s best for the students, I’ll never stop being amazed at her sense of thinking.

“Since I wasn’t here during the last two years, what did you students do during the last two summer festivals?”

“Water sports events using the swimming block and sports day using the field I believe.”

“Interesting, using resources we currently have rather than spending money on newer resources, I’ll note that down.”

“Interesting you say? Those events sound too average in my opinion.”

“Hoh, can’t you think of a better word to describe what you’re trying to imply?”

“Hm then, how about cliché?”

“And the maid café idea you presented just now isn’t?”

“I never presented such an idea to begin with!”

"But you do want to see the girls in class in maid outfits don't you?"

The girls in class in maid outfits--- I then noticed the smirk on Mikado's face.

“...Please do not ridicule me with such nonsense.”

That’s right, I should act mature like an adult, that’ll shut her up.

“Oh, what is with that pause? Why don’t you just admit your fetish for maids?”

“I never had such a fetish to begin with!”

Gah! The words come out faster than I think!

“Is that so? But I recall seeing such magazines under your bed.”

“No, I don't have anything under my bed!"

"Yeah, not to mention you keep them in your bookshelf, well-disguised amidst other books right?"

"You seem to be enjoying this, aren’t you Mikado!”

I can't ever seem to see myself winning an argument anytime soon...

“All joking aside, I don’t see anything wrong with using a normal, average idea is there? In the end it’s an event which everyone can take part in to a certain degree.”

“Thinking what’s best everyone, you’re amazing as always.” I couldn’t help but smile.

“I’m a teacher after all, I only do what is best for my students,” She continues to flick through the papers, Mikado raises one eyebrow, “Oh, I found something interesting about Shino Yoshika since you were asking earlier, though I may not be able to confirm this since I wasn’t year a year back, but you might be able to.”
And just like that the topic shifted back to Shino again.

“Huh, what would that be?”

“From last year during March onwards, I’ve heard that little miss Shino doesn’t take part in physical events during the previous season festivals. I know that it’s not customary to take part in all events, after all, there are too many events to count for the ordinary student…”

However Shino, Shino Yoshika,

“…Isn’t any ordinary student, is she?”
"Everyone in this world has different views to one other, therefor the way we see things 'equally' ourselves, can vary from person to person."
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Re: Unknown World

Post by Codex9 »

oninn wrote:I've d read the story so far and it's quite something... I'll look forward on reading the next update...


(Is this your first time writing a novel? Nope. That can't be true, right? Anyway... hmmm, just don't mind me. I'll probably visit to read again your story.)

Good day.
Actually this really is my first time trying to write a novel, though I've written stuff in the past they were drafts and notes which I practiced on and decided to give this a shot.
"Everyone in this world has different views to one other, therefor the way we see things 'equally' ourselves, can vary from person to person."
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