Rajikai wrote:I don't mind showing you the mistakes
Don't worry about it. When/if I finish the story, I'll pay an editor to proofread and edit the story. I don't have the time to do both before the summer.
ShadowZeroHeart wrote:Nakahara-sensei
Does Nakahara-sensei exist? In the second chapter, Mizuki doesn't see the exchange between the two teachers, nor does she recognize the teacher during the time the teacher walked by her field of vision. Is it more enjoyable to you that Mizuki made up a name in Chapter 1 only for there to be a teacher named that in chapter 2? Is that the joke? Or is Mizuki's flight of fancy fantasy as she tries to escape her self-aggravating situation more to your liking? You decide. This is how literary minimalism works.
ShadowZeroHeart wrote:Too much is left unexplained.
You won't like the rest of the story if you can't handle a story with pieces missing; an integral part of literary minimalism. The main purpose of a litmal story is to leave pieces out that the reader fills in how they please. Is Mizuki insane? Does much of the story actually happen? Is there a Nakahara-sensei? Is her face really beaten and bruised? Is she actually in a boxing ring when all the story does is overlay some of the sounds of boxing for metaphorical references to the struggles of women in the workplace? Were they actually metaphorical references? Was any of that relevant and it's more fun to imagine Nakahara-sensei going toe to toe with the Principal in a boxing ring who still sits at his desk staring out the window? As stated already, you decide.
And no, it's not my job to explicitly state anything, litmal story or otherwise. Certainly not in a story where the sanity of the main character will come into question. To put it another way, you being confused at the beginning of the story might be what I want. If you can't handle it, don't read anymore. Or learn to let go and have more fun with the story. Unless you aren't interested in the story itself, then I can't help you and wouldn't begrudge you not reading it.
ShadowZeroHeart wrote:When "in the middle of" you "in the middle of" put "in the middle of" stuff "in the middle of" around "in the middle of" stuff "in the middle of" a "in the middle of" pattern "in the middle of" emerges.
The purpose of overly padded paragraphs is to slow time, and the reader, without blatantly stating that's what you're doing as the writer. Saying "Mizuki turned and as she did time slowed" is a terrible piece of prose. By repeating the same phrase, it devalues that phrase making the rest of the paragraph more important because those pieces stand out. And if you ask professional editors whether they'd want "and time fell to a crawl" or a long convoluted paragraph, they'll go with the second option every time. All that being said, I'll surely rework the paragraph over time, but it'll always be a convoluted paragraph given its purpose and intent.
ShadowZeroHeart wrote:Think about it, if you punched someone, especially if you are apologetic, you would definitely look at his face. Maybe not at his eye, but you would at least look at his face to see the damage you did. Not to forget the guy's actions are awfully strange as well. How many people would worry about a stranger that just punched you in the face without a care in the world?
You got me here. Though the question is answered in the next chapter and in more detail later in the story, the plot hole should at least be lampshaded until it can be properly put into context. Though even if lampshaded, she won't have looked him in the eye, nor will he have said anything else. She's neurotic and he's toying with her. (Since you can't read the next chapters (yet)).
If I never explained the gap, then it would be bad writing. And since for you the story ends at chapter two, it certainly has the appearance of bad writing. Still, not lampshading the gap was a genuine fault of mine. In fact, thinking about her internal dialogue wondering why he wouldn't react like a normal person adds quite a bit of value to the chapter. So thanks for pointing it out.
ShadowZeroHeart wrote:"Moved to tears" I believe, is not used the way you did.
The phrase carries no implied positive connotations as it is a contextual phrase. You can be moved to tear if your lover dies. Or if your brother whom everyone thought had died in Iraq is found alive. Or if your son is born. Or your wife is killed. Or your toe stubbed. Or your food is delicious. Or terrible.
All in all, good critique.