Original Light Novel: Tuned World (not official name)

shadowNdusk · Post by **shadowNdusk** » Thu May 24, 2012 5:55 am

I'm writing my first novel, and I want you guys to give me some feedback on this. Also if you have a better title than this, I'd would like to read some of them. Here's a summary/prologue of what's my story is about.

In the year 20XX, a scientist that goes by the name <Zero> was inventing an item that allows the human body to be compressed into data. It was said to be the next stage into making a virtual reality game. But it failed. As a result, the world was submerged into data. A mysterious surge of light came out of the item and caused countless deaths of people. This became known as the [Blue Flare Night]. [Noise] and [Noise Witches] were created as a result. [Noise] are beings of data that are like parasites to our world. [Noise Witches] are once humans who now controls them. [Tuners] are a group of people who have joined together to protect those who can not fend for themselves. For 500 years, the [Tuners] have been at constant war with the [Noise].

Post by **ShadowZeroHeart** » Thu May 24, 2012 3:53 pm

Firstly, I would say that if you are that interested, you probably should register an account at the forums.

That aside, your story don't seem too original, with some ideas like Regios and the NDS game "The World Ends With You" put together. Too little is known to really comment on the story, but nowadays I personally think stories revolving some MMORPG or alike is really boring, and is hard to write. I would suggest you to consider creating it in a new fantasy world instead. The story that you come up with is yours and yours to create, change and shape. Set up your own world, and perform your miracles, that will probably do more good than trying to force a "scientific reasoning" to what we have in reality and twist it so you can write your story.

shadowNdusk · Post by **shadowNdusk** » Thu May 24, 2012 7:02 pm

ShadowZeroHeart wrote:Firstly, I would say that if you are that interested, you probably should register an account at the forums.

That aside, your story don't seem too original, with some ideas like Regios and the NDS game "The World Ends With You" put together. Too little is known to really comment on the story, but nowadays I personally think stories revolving some MMORPG or alike is really boring, and is hard to write. I would suggest you to consider creating it in a new fantasy world instead. The story that you come up with is yours and yours to create, change and shape. Set up your own world, and perform your miracles, that will probably do more good than trying to force a "scientific reasoning" to what we have in reality and twist it so you can write your story.

It's true that it has some similarities with "The World Ends With You", though I have no Idea what Regios is. I'll try to think of another name for the data beings. I think creating a different world will be harder for me, but I'm just going to say it'll take place in the future. I am changing the story a little to make the story flow. I do have two alternate version of the first chapter. one is completed, the other is still in work of progress. Anyways thanks for the advice. I appreciate that. I'll make an account right away.

Post by **ShadowZeroHeart** » Thu May 24, 2012 10:22 pm

shadowNdusk wrote: I have no Idea what Regios is.

I am talking about "Chrome Shelled Regios", a novel series that is translated and hosted on B-T, take a read of it if you can find the time.

Not all details has been revealed up to where I have read, but the story talks about a place where wishes can come true, and when some people entered this place, their wishes were somehow twisted, causing the world that the story takes place to become the way it is, or something to that extent. It is rather complicated, but in quite a few ways, it is similar to your idea. Just as you have tuners, they have special martial artists. Just as you have Noise, they have special monsters/nanomachines that runs on semi-auto-AI. Your Noise Witches may be similar to those who had made their wishes in that special place.

I do not know of the actual plot and idea of the story in your mind, so you probably have to tell us more about your story before we can give further comments. Anyway, good luck with your story.

shadowNdusk · Post by **shadowNdusk** » Fri May 25, 2012 9:26 pm

ShadowZeroHeart wrote:
shadowNdusk wrote: I have no Idea what Regios is.
I am talking about "Chrome Shelled Regios", a novel series that is translated and hosted on B-T, take a read of it if you can find the time.

Not all details has been revealed up to where I have read, but the story talks about a place where wishes can come true, and when some people entered this place, their wishes were somehow twisted, causing the world that the story takes place to become the way it is, or something to that extent. It is rather complicated, but in quite a few ways, it is similar to your idea. Just as you have tuners, they have special martial artists. Just as you have Noise, they have special monsters/nanomachines that runs on semi-auto-AI. Your Noise Witches may be similar to those who had made their wishes in that special place.

I do not know of the actual plot and idea of the story in your mind, so you probably have to tell us more about your story before we can give further comments. Anyway, good luck with your story.

I'll post up the first chapter mostly over the weekend.

shadowNdusk · Post by **shadowNdusk** » Sat May 26, 2012 10:28 am

Version 1

Spoiler! :

Version 2

Spoiler! :

Tell me which is better version 1 or 2, sequence of events or dialogue may be off.

Post by **ShadowZeroHeart** » Sat May 26, 2012 6:55 pm

You really need to work on the dialogue...

Version 1 has a duplicate of sentences near the beginning.

For some unknown reason, we both have the same rare blood type not of the four common blood types. Scientist have called our blood type EX.

Version 2 has some major wording problems.

Witch:"How dare you disturb this sacred ritual!! Do you not want this town to be overrun by [Noise]!"

So the entire town wanted to be overrun by [Noise] and hired the witch?

Seriously... Are [Noise] that weak? In case you haven't noticed, you are talking about 6 year olds totally owning the [Noise] in version 2, and a 8 year old in version 1. Makes it hard to believe they are dangerous to the world.

We went back to the pathway, fighting all the [Noise] along the way. We came to the rooftop and started to jump over buildings. After going around the castle, we finally came across the place of the ritual. Once I spotted Ayumi, we jumped off the building.

and

After that, we haven't heard a word from her again. We were six at the time so I doubt Haruka remembers.

Don't the Noise sound really weak, losing to two dumb six-year-olds?

Personal Comments:
Version 1 is better, even though I hate MMORPG style of writing. You need to work on your dialogue, and also, give descriptions to many cases. For example, in version 2, when they met the [Noise], you should take some time to describe them. Similarly, describe the battle, so people can get a feel of the story. Otherwise, your story may be similar to a love story with the following words: "Boy meets girl. They fall in love. They live happily ever after.". Descriptions are needed for the audience to get into the story. With regards to dialogue, how often would you talk to yourself saying the following?

"Where am I? Didn't I die?"
"What's with my body. Why do I have the body of an eight year old? How did I manage to revive?"
"Should I use these to survive? I have no where to go anyway.."
"What is this anyway? I don't think I'm in my own world anymore. I should try to fight."

P.S. how do you know your age just by taking a look at your body?

If this is a gaming script, I can understand, as this is meant to be a tutorial. But if you intend for this to be a story, then this is NOT the way to go. And you probably need to decide on whether it is a game or not in version 1. When you were at the toolshed(for some unknown reason having a scythe in there), you had skills lists and all. But this is not possible if they really are in the future. Most happenings are too unnatural, so it is best for you to fix these issues first.

shadowNdusk · Post by **shadowNdusk** » Sat May 26, 2012 7:55 pm

ShadowZeroHeart wrote:You really need to work on the dialogue...

I really do.
Version 1 has a duplicate of sentences near the beginning.
"For some unknown reason, we both have the same rare blood type not of the four common blood types. Scientist have called our blood type EX."
Thx for the heads up.

Witch:"How dare you disturb this sacred ritual!! Do you not want this town to be overrun by [Noise]!"

So the entire town wanted to be overrun by [Noise] and hired the witch?
I was a little lazy about describing how that works out. Apparently I was planning that the witch promised to protect the town from the noise if they do as she says since tuners have no knowledge of this little town. If one person dare to defy her, than the whole town gets it. I think that's what i thought of.

Seriously... Are [Noise] that weak? In case you haven't noticed, you are talking about 6 year olds totally owning the [Noise] in version 2, and a 8 year old in version 1. Makes it hard to believe they are dangerous to the world.

We went back to the pathway, fighting all the [Noise] along the way. We came to the rooftop and started to jump over buildings. After going around the castle, we finally came across the place of the ritual. Once I spotted Ayumi, we jumped off the building.
and

After that, we haven't heard a word from her again. We were six at the time so I doubt Haruka remembers.

Don't the Noise sound really weak, losing to two dumb six-year-olds?
Tuner weapons are very special. Unlike ordinary weapons, these are made of unique data. Every human has data flowing within them as if they are natural. This data within them are known as counters. Counters react to certain weapons based on the host. It's like equiping the perfect weapon for a character.[This applies to both version] I'm not sure how it makes sense though.

Personal Comments:
Version 1 is better, even though I hate MMORPG style of writing. You need to work on your dialogue, and also, give descriptions to many cases. For example, in version 2, when they met the [Noise], you should take some time to describe them. Similarly, describe the battle, so people can get a feel of the story. Otherwise, your story may be similar to a love story with the following words: "Boy meets girl. They fall in love. They live happily ever after.". Descriptions are needed for the audience to get into the story. With regards to dialogue, how often would you talk to yourself saying the following?

"Where am I? Didn't I die?"
"What's with my body. Why do I have the body of an eight year old? How did I manage to revive?"
"Should I use these to survive? I have no where to go anyway.."
"What is this anyway? I don't think I'm in my own world anymore. I should try to fight."

P.S. how do you know your age just by taking a look at your body?
You're right about that. I'll change the story on the events when he got into the future.

If this is a gaming script, I can understand, as this is meant to be a tutorial. But if you intend for this to be a story, then this is NOT the way to go. And you probably need to decide on whether it is a game or not in version 1. When you were at the toolshed(for some unknown reason having a scythe in there), you had skills lists and all. But this is not possible if they really are in the future. Most happenings are too unnatural, so it is best for you to fix these issues first.

I was meaning to have the spheres as like the mark of the tuner, or something along the lines. I should put technology, like the UniTech and its usage. Ill modified version one. It's not suppose to be a gaming script, but has similarities to games. I'm guessing how the Tuners fight will be like a game to make it easier to describe the fighting technique and such.

Post by **ShadowZeroHeart** » Sat May 26, 2012 10:22 pm

shadowNdusk wrote:
Witch:"How dare you disturb this sacred ritual!! Do you not want this town to be overrun by [Noise]!"

So the entire town wanted to be overrun by [Noise] and hired the witch?
I was a little lazy about describing how that works out. Apparently I was planning that the witch promised to protect the town from the noise if they do as she says since tuners have no knowledge of this little town. If one person dare to defy her, than the whole town gets it. I think that's what i thought of.

I thought so. But your wording makes it just opposite. "Do you NOT want this town to be overrun by [Noise]!" is telling them that [Noise] in the city is a good thing.

shadowNdusk wrote:
Seriously... Are [Noise] that weak? In case you haven't noticed, you are talking about 6 year olds totally owning the [Noise] in version 2, and a 8 year old in version 1. Makes it hard to believe they are dangerous to the world.

We went back to the pathway, fighting all the [Noise] along the way. We came to the rooftop and started to jump over buildings. After going around the castle, we finally came across the place of the ritual. Once I spotted Ayumi, we jumped off the building.
and

After that, we haven't heard a word from her again. We were six at the time so I doubt Haruka remembers.

Don't the Noise sound really weak, losing to two dumb six-year-olds?
Tuner weapons are very special. Unlike ordinary weapons, these are made of unique data. Every human has data flowing within them as if they are natural. This data within them are known as counters. Counters react to certain weapons based on the host. It's like equiping the perfect weapon for a character.[This applies to both version] I'm not sure how it makes sense though.

Not impossible, but you really need to describe what happened in the fights and all. But personally, even if the weapons are unique, six year olds should not be that powerful. Imagine, if even six year olds can win so easily, then why do they still have to go to school to learn to use these weapons? Furthermore, if [Noise] are that scary, shouldn't they be scared in the first place? And the dialogue of version 2 with his parents was insane as well, the mother telling the child to just die out there...

shadowNdusk wrote:
If this is a gaming script, I can understand, as this is meant to be a tutorial. But if you intend for this to be a story, then this is NOT the way to go. And you probably need to decide on whether it is a game or not in version 1. When you were at the toolshed(for some unknown reason having a scythe in there), you had skills lists and all. But this is not possible if they really are in the future. Most happenings are too unnatural, so it is best for you to fix these issues first.
I was meaning to have the spheres as like the mark of the tuner, or something along the lines. I should put technology, like the UniTech and its usage. Ill modified version one. It's not suppose to be a gaming script, but has similarities to games. I'm guessing how the Tuners fight will be like a game to make it easier to describe the fighting technique and such.

It is not impossible to use simple gaming terms for your techniques. But even so, you have to go into details and explain them. And my point is not the use of these terms, but the way your story started out like the tutorial of a game.

You got into the game -> This is how you move around -> There is a room with weapons -> This is how you equip -> Weak enemies appeared -> This is how you battle -> Congratulations! You have won your first battle!

Not to forget, you got very powerful Tuner Weapons in the beginning, in the tool shed of some small village? Is it not strange why such weapons are there, especially when a [Noise Witch] who does not like Tuners being the head of the village/town?

shadowNdusk · Post by **shadowNdusk** » Wed May 30, 2012 1:27 pm

ShadowZeroHeart wrote:
shadowNdusk wrote:
Witch:"How dare you disturb this sacred ritual!! Do you not want this town to be overrun by [Noise]!"

So the entire town wanted to be overrun by [Noise] and hired the witch?

I was a little lazy about describing how that works out. Apparently I was planning that the witch promised to protect the town from the noise if they do as she says since tuners have no knowledge of this little town. If one person dare to defy her, than the whole town gets it. I think that's what i thought of.

ShadowZeroHeart wrote:
I thought so. But your wording makes it just opposite. "Do you NOT want this town to be overrun by [Noise]!" is telling them that [Noise] in the city is a good thing.

I did not see that.

shadowNdusk wrote: Seriously... Are [Noise] that weak? In case you haven't noticed, you are talking about 6 year olds totally owning the [Noise] in version 2, and a 8 year old in version 1. Makes it hard to believe they are dangerous to the world.

We went back to the pathway, fighting all the [Noise] along the way. We came to the rooftop and started to jump over buildings. After going around the castle, we finally came across the place of the ritual. Once I spotted Ayumi, we jumped off the building.
and

After that, we haven't heard a word from her again. We were six at the time so I doubt Haruka remembers.

Don't the Noise sound really weak, losing to two dumb six-year-olds?

Tuner weapons are very special. Unlike ordinary weapons, these are made of unique data. Every human has data flowing within them as if they are natural. This data within them are known as counters. Counters react to certain weapons based on the host. It's like equiping the perfect weapon for a character.[This applies to both version] I'm not sure how it makes sense though.

ShadowZeroHeart wrote: Not impossible, but you really need to describe what happened in the fights and all. But personally, even if the weapons are unique, six year olds should not be that powerful. Imagine, if even six year olds can win so easily, then why do they still have to go to school to learn to use these weapons? Furthermore, if [Noise] are that scary, shouldn't they be scared in the first place? And the dialogue of version 2 with his parents was insane as well, the mother telling the child to just die out there...
Maybe ill make em 10 years old. I'll drop the 2nd version. I wasn't sure where I was going with the plot line.

shadowNdusk wrote: If this is a gaming script, I can understand, as this is meant to be a tutorial. But if you intend for this to be a story, then this is NOT the way to go. And you probably need to decide on whether it is a game or not in version 1. When you were at the toolshed(for some unknown reason having a scythe in there), you had skills lists and all. But this is not possible if they really are in the future. Most happenings are too unnatural, so it is best for you to fix these issues first.

I was meaning to have the spheres as like the mark of the tuner, or something along the lines. I should put technology, like the UniTech and its usage. Ill modified version one. It's not suppose to be a gaming script, but has similarities to games. I'm guessing how the Tuners fight will be like a game to make it easier to describe the fighting technique and such.

ShadowZeroHeart wrote: It is not impossible to use simple gaming terms for your techniques. But even so, you have to go into details and explain them. And my point is not the use of these terms, but the way your story started out like the tutorial of a game.

You got into the game -> This is how you move around -> There is a room with weapons -> This is how you equip -> Weak enemies appeared -> This is how you battle -> Congratulations! You have won your first battle!

Not to forget, you got very powerful Tuner Weapons in the beginning, in the tool shed of some small village? Is it not strange why such weapons are there, especially when a [Noise Witch] who does not like Tuners being the head of the village/town?

I won't put the whole finding weapons in some random place thing. I'll modify the 1st story and make it better. I'll change the intro, backstory, setting when he's first in the future, and more.

shadowNdusk · Post by **shadowNdusk** » Wed May 30, 2012 1:28 pm

ShadowZeroHeart wrote:
shadowNdusk wrote:
Witch:"How dare you disturb this sacred ritual!! Do you not want this town to be overrun by [Noise]!"

So the entire town wanted to be overrun by [Noise] and hired the witch?

I was a little lazy about describing how that works out. Apparently I was planning that the witch promised to protect the town from the noise if they do as she says since tuners have no knowledge of this little town. If one person dare to defy her, than the whole town gets it. I think that's what i thought of.

ShadowZeroHeart wrote:
I thought so. But your wording makes it just opposite. "Do you NOT want this town to be overrun by [Noise]!" is telling them that [Noise] in the city is a good thing.

I did not see that.

shadowNdusk wrote: Seriously... Are [Noise] that weak? In case you haven't noticed, you are talking about 6 year olds totally owning the [Noise] in version 2, and a 8 year old in version 1. Makes it hard to believe they are dangerous to the world.

We went back to the pathway, fighting all the [Noise] along the way. We came to the rooftop and started to jump over buildings. After going around the castle, we finally came across the place of the ritual. Once I spotted Ayumi, we jumped off the building.
and

After that, we haven't heard a word from her again. We were six at the time so I doubt Haruka remembers.

Don't the Noise sound really weak, losing to two dumb six-year-olds?

Tuner weapons are very special. Unlike ordinary weapons, these are made of unique data. Every human has data flowing within them as if they are natural. This data within them are known as counters. Counters react to certain weapons based on the host. It's like equiping the perfect weapon for a character.[This applies to both version] I'm not sure how it makes sense though.

ShadowZeroHeart wrote: Not impossible, but you really need to describe what happened in the fights and all. But personally, even if the weapons are unique, six year olds should not be that powerful. Imagine, if even six year olds can win so easily, then why do they still have to go to school to learn to use these weapons? Furthermore, if [Noise] are that scary, shouldn't they be scared in the first place? And the dialogue of version 2 with his parents was insane as well, the mother telling the child to just die out there...
Maybe ill make em 10 years old. I'll drop the 2nd version. I wasn't sure where I was going with the plot line.

shadowNdusk wrote: If this is a gaming script, I can understand, as this is meant to be a tutorial. But if you intend for this to be a story, then this is NOT the way to go. And you probably need to decide on whether it is a game or not in version 1. When you were at the toolshed(for some unknown reason having a scythe in there), you had skills lists and all. But this is not possible if they really are in the future. Most happenings are too unnatural, so it is best for you to fix these issues first.

I was meaning to have the spheres as like the mark of the tuner, or something along the lines. I should put technology, like the UniTech and its usage. Ill modified version one. It's not suppose to be a gaming script, but has similarities to games. I'm guessing how the Tuners fight will be like a game to make it easier to describe the fighting technique and such.

ShadowZeroHeart wrote: It is not impossible to use simple gaming terms for your techniques. But even so, you have to go into details and explain them. And my point is not the use of these terms, but the way your story started out like the tutorial of a game.

You got into the game -> This is how you move around -> There is a room with weapons -> This is how you equip -> Weak enemies appeared -> This is how you battle -> Congratulations! You have won your first battle!

Not to forget, you got very powerful Tuner Weapons in the beginning, in the tool shed of some small village? Is it not strange why such weapons are there, especially when a [Noise Witch] who does not like Tuners being the head of the village/town?

I won't put the whole finding weapons in some random place thing. I'll modify the 1st story and make it better. I'll change the intro, backstory, setting when he's first in the future, and more.

Post by **rock96** » Thu May 31, 2012 2:54 am

Sorry, I couldn't read it entirely. Well, I simply can't read only dialogues with a drop of short descriptions if the style doesn't fit novel.
From what I've read, I feel that it'd be better as Audio Drama, as it is now...

First version is, like, short re-telling of what happened. No details, no insight. That won't do even if that's your style.
Second version is simply unreadable due to formatting.

Novel isn't good if your description is simply is 'Hello, I am la-la-la. > dialogue spam > I ran. > Monologue > I stopped.' Well, more precisely, these versions of your chapter 1 aren't chapters of novel, they look like a draft for scenario.

Try to find the balance between dialogues and descriptions. Don't be afraid of experimenting. We may criticize you but we won't try to offend you. Work harder, and you'll find your way as an author.

shadowNdusk · Post by **shadowNdusk** » Fri Jun 01, 2012 4:26 pm

I'm still trying out new scenarios. Here's a new approach on chapter 1(Unfinished).

Spoiler! :

A dream? I was falling headfirst into the darkness. that's all I could see exept for four other people. I could barely see their faces. There were two males, a blonde and a silver-hair, and afemale brunette. Next to me was a female, judging by her proportions, with a ponytail. I had another look at her. I saw a glimpse of her face... Ayumi? A light shone more brightly as we continue to fell. The light almost devoured me and then....

"Aaaaaahhhhhh!"

I woke up and fell off my chair. I sat in the back next to the window. Luckily no one was around to see that. It was 5:40 p.m. I should be heading home now. I grabbed my bag and left the classroom.

My name is Azuma Seiji. I was born on February 28. Hair: Black, Age: 16, Height, 171 cm., Weight: 51 Kg, Average scores on all subjects. I don't have a usual hobbies. Things I like to do is hanging out with my childhood friend.

I saw some students still talking about the recent archeologist story. An archeologist dug up an ancient text about a prince becomming the Grim Reaper. People been calling it the Origin of the Grim Reaper. If I remember clearly, the story went something like:

Once apon a time, there was once a kingdom that ruled over the entire world. The King of this kingdom was a tyrannical king. He rules over the kingdom with an iron fist. The Prince does not see to his father's ideal way of ruling. He decided to wage war against his father. With the help of his four companions, The Lion of Light, The StormArcher, The Warrior of Fire, The StarGazer, and with a scythe in his hands, from the royal weapon vault, he fought countless wars against his father. The results ended with the Prince ending his father's life. He was declared the new king. Shortly after being declared king, was thrown off the throne for he could not properly govern his people. The Prince was immediately thrown out into the streets and a new era began. The Prince wanders the streets, haunted by his father's ghost and the ghosts of those he had killed in battle. He seeked guidance, so he went to the all-seeing oracle. The oracle gave the Prince a strange cloak, allowing him to finish off the ghost that haunts him at the cost of every flesh and organs he has, exept his bones. This was the birth of the Grim Reaper.

I walked outside of the school building and went to the Karate Club Dojo. I opened the door. Inside was a single woman. Long, black hair and a slender body. She was in the middle of practicing. I called out to her.

"Hey! Ayumi! We're heading home."
She turned around.
"Coming!"

This is Mizuki Ayumi.Born on January 1. Hair: Black tied in a ponytail, Age: 16, Height, 158 cm., Weight: 48 Kg, She's one of the top three students in our year. Strangest thing we have in common is our rare blood type, EX. She's been my childhood friend since preschool. She's now the Captain of the Co-ed Karate Club.

Our walk together was mostly silent. We never have anything to say to each other, yet we walk home all the time. I walked with her untill we get to the point where we split up.

"See ya tomorrow, Ayumi."
"See ya."

Post by **ShadowZeroHeart** » Fri Jun 01, 2012 6:14 pm

This new approach is even worse off than what you had initially if you ask me.

The way you introduce the characters are really bad, they are like giving off the details directly. It might not be the best of ideas, but you can also consider perhaps the main character going to the toilet to wash up, looking into the mirror, describe his own appearance a little? Then you can also talk about his inter-personal relationships in school, since you said that he slept in school until 5.30, i am guessing he has no friends to wake him up, or is known to sleep that late anyway.

The story about the prince becoming the Grim Reaper is lacking in details, and strange since the prince would be the next ruler anyway. You probably have to say things like he tried to make the king change his ways, but the king was enraged and exiled the prince. To save the people, the prince gathered companions, and waged war against his father. Despite winning the war, governing was not as simple as he had imagined, causing the downfall of his new-found kingdom.

Ayumi might be the female lead, so it could do you a lot of good to describe her a little more. This is just an example:

I walked outside of the school building and went to the Karate Club Dojo to get my childhood friend, Mizuki Ayumi. Hearing her shouts from outside, I gently opened the door, and there she was. Her long, black hair fluttered as she practiced the different moves. Her slender body, covered in sweat, looks like an art piece shining under the evening sun. Her every move was so elegant and beautiful that seemed to stop even time itself. Even though I have seen her practicing many times, sometimes I still space out just watching her.

Snapping out of it, I called out to her.

"Hey! Ayumi! We're heading home."
She turned around.
"Coming!"

What you have now:

This is Mizuki Ayumi.Born on January 1. Hair: Black tied in a ponytail, Age: 16, Height, 158 cm., Weight: 48 Kg

These aren't describing the person, and weight is definitely not necessary. Height is a little more important, but there is no real need to give exact numbers. So do you imply that the characters will never grow taller or heavier/lighter? Or do you intend to reuse this idea every time this value changes? Giving rough estimates would be good enough, lighter than average, shorter than most, weighing over a hundred tonnes etc etc.

shadowNdusk · Post by **shadowNdusk** » Fri Jun 01, 2012 7:40 pm

ShadowZeroHeart wrote:This new approach is even worse off than what you had initially if you ask me.

The way you introduce the characters are really bad, they are like giving off the details directly. It might not be the best of ideas, but you can also consider perhaps the main character going to the toilet to wash up, looking into the mirror, describe his own appearance a little? Then you can also talk about his inter-personal relationships in school, since you said that he slept in school until 5.30, i am guessing he has no friends to wake him up, or is known to sleep that late anyway.

I should've put that he's a heavy sleeper. He probaly slept through most of 5th and 6th period and that even teachers couldn't get him up.

ShadowZeroHeart wrote:The story about the prince becoming the Grim Reaper is lacking in details, and strange since the prince would be the next ruler anyway. You probably have to say things like he tried to make the king change his ways, but the king was enraged and exiled the prince. To save the people, the prince gathered companions, and waged war against his father. Despite winning the war, governing was not as simple as he had imagined, causing the downfall of his new-found kingdom.

Yeah, description is not my best strong suit.

ShadowZeroHeart wrote:Ayumi might be the female lead

She is.

ShadowZeroHeart wrote:...so it could do you a lot of good to describe her a little more. This is just an example:

I walked outside of the school building and went to the Karate Club Dojo to get my childhood friend, Mizuki Ayumi. Hearing her shouts from outside, I gently opened the door, and there she was. Her long, black hair fluttered as she practiced the different moves. Her slender body, covered in sweat, looks like an art piece shining under the evening sun. Her every move was so elegant and beautiful that seemed to stop even time itself. Even though I have seen her practicing many times, sometimes I still space out just watching her.

Snapping out of it, I called out to her.

"Hey! Ayumi! We're heading home."
She turned around.
"Coming!"

ShadowZeroHeart wrote:What you have now:

This is Mizuki Ayumi.Born on January 1. Hair: Black tied in a ponytail, Age: 16, Height, 158 cm., Weight: 48 Kg

These aren't describing the person, and weight is definitely not necessary. Height is a little more important, but there is no real need to give exact numbers. So do you imply that the characters will never grow taller or heavier/lighter? Or do you intend to reuse this idea every time this value changes? Giving rough estimates would be good enough, lighter than average, shorter than most, weighing over a hundred tonnes etc etc.

Ok, thx. I'll add more to the story and make the changes to what I have so far. I just wrote this a little while ago anyways, so I knew there were bound to be some problems.

ばか！バカ！　馬鹿ー月！

Original Light Novel: Tuned World (not official name)

Original Light Novel: Tuned World (not official name)

Re: Original Light Novel: Tuned World (not official name)

Re: Original Light Novel: Tuned World (not official name)

Re: Original Light Novel: Tuned World (not official name)

Re: Original Light Novel: Tuned World (not official name)

Re: Original Light Novel: Tuned World (not official name)

Re: Original Light Novel: Tuned World (not official name)

Re: Original Light Novel: Tuned World (not official name)

Re: Original Light Novel: Tuned World (not official name)

Re: Original Light Novel: Tuned World (not official name)

Re: Original Light Novel: Tuned World (not official name)

Re: Original Light Novel: Tuned World (not official name)

Re: Original Light Novel: Tuned World (not official name)

Re: Original Light Novel: Tuned World (not official name)

Re: Original Light Novel: Tuned World (not official name)