OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion

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OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion

Postby Aorii » Sun Nov 24, 2013 9:53 am

(First Post Rewritten)

Daybreak on Hyperion (or just Daybreak) is an original English light novel I write as a hobby. Although not a professional, I take this interest very seriously and has spent years honing my skills. Now, thanks to the Baka-Tsuki community and the support of its readership, I've managed to get this story posted here. I sincerely hope you enjoy the story. Since this is still purely a non-profit hobby, the appreciation of the readers is what really motivates me to keep going.

For those with critiquing thoughts: please feel free to give them. I greatly appreciate any literary criticism (even if just a matter of personal opinion or tastes). It's what drives progress forward. Any thoughts would be much welcomed.

(main hosting found on Krytyk's Translations at http://krytykal.org/daybreak/)

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Daybreak on Hyperion - Story Synopsis

Born into noble prestige and gifted with genius intellect, Pascal was a promising officer cadet who rose to national fame before even graduating. At the mere age of nineteen, he had everything a young man could wish for...

Except his habitual arrogance had destroyed every opportunity of a close friendship.

Seeking a companion that would meet his protracted list of requirements, Pascal decided to craft the 'perfect spell' for the upcoming familiar ceremony. If those in his world were not fit to accompany his brilliance, then he would summon a best friend through his own hands -- one that was mature, intelligent, knowledgeable, bright, and cute to boot.

He received far more than he bargained for.

This is the story of how two wills joined to altered a continent, and the third who supported their entire journey through.


Main Genres: Fantasy, Adventure, Genderbender, Action, Military (Strategy), Politics, Romance (Slow)

Thanks to the readers, Daybreak may now also be found on TVtropes
Cho also wrote a Review on EnglishLightNovels
Daybreak Project
"You crazy [email protected]! I'm gonna treat you like shit until you reveal your true form!!!"
"NO WAY. Over my dead, resurrected and killed again body." -- Kadi, when given a proposal about leaving [Miko-moe] 'as is' in TL.
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion

Postby ahmsab » Tue Nov 26, 2013 8:48 pm

First of all , a job well done to say the least on these chapters , I read them in one go and was quite amused and impressed by your work :) , it's a shame that baka tsuki offers little in terms of coverage for original LNs on this forum but it's coverage none-the-less and I hope to read more of what you write and perhaps discuss it with you in length sometime if your interested.

In any case I will move on to what you want to hear from a proper reader , not just emphty praise and vague statements , but instead constructive criticism (hopefully).Note that what I will say will most likely have a considerable deal to do with my own personal prefrences , you are to think what you see fit about them being the author of the story. Also , as you can see I live in germany and can speak it to a good extent , so if you need help or want to ask questions here and there in regards to that, im here :) . Now , without further ado:

1-As commendable your building of the setting is , I have felt the terminology in regards to it to be a little bit too much sometimes , it was appropriate most of the time but at others it felt a bit unneccessary . This was more apparent with the description of the characters (particularly their clothing) . You have done it all very well but I feel it was excessive (although one could argue that is more appropriate for a light novel).

2-The way you dealt with the issue of the change of kaede's gender felt quite unrealistic to me , it is something I was very interested in reading more about that upon knowing that she was originally a boy . It may have been intentional on your part in order to not make this an important point in the story but I thought i'd say it regardless.

3-The other thing I found issue with in kaede's character was her reaction to her summoning, in three points in particular : 1-The fact that she reacted (in my opinion) quite less than a normal person would 2- the fact that she completly gave up on returning to her world without trying 3-And lastly the fact that she felt positevly towards paskal because of his relatively kind treatment of her despite him being the person who brought her into this mess ( not to mention treating her sometimes like a servant) . It felt a bit unnatural and lacking to be honest.

4-The hints you gave about the theology of Hyperiens and Samarans were very interesting to me , however it felt to me that they will remain hints and won't be explored that much in the course story , which would be a real shame in my opinon.

5- The last point I have is in regards to the direction the story is headed from , I feel like it may happen that war and grand events totally overshadow the characters and become the main center of the story (which maybe exactly what your aiming in reality) , but I feel with your abillities that a story centered more around the characters and where politics and war play a naturally a big role would be better ( which may be what your actually aiming for :lol: ) .

In any case I feel you have captured the word "light" in light novel masterfully (and deliberatly I would say too) ,it is a very interesting read that is both funny and engaging, with a well built although a bit classic setting , and as I said this may just be my taste speaking here , but I feel the story would truly flourish if you give more focus to the characters and their goals (especially kaede) than to the enviroment . I hope you find these comments helpful in someway or the other :D
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion

Postby Aorii » Wed Nov 27, 2013 5:21 am

Thank you kindly for your comments ahmsab! It's always great to get some feedback, and yours were certainly quite detailed and helpful ( ^_~)b. Don't worry much about the preferences either -- I've learned the hard way that since audience targeting is of key importance to any writer, reader preferences are just as important as the quality of work itself xD
Also, I'm researching German / Prussian / Baltic culture as part of this so, your background knowledge would certainly be appreciated :D

This is a LN I'd like to put into B-T site when I get more finished, but I'll have to PM the admins for more info at that point.

1. My writing hobby spawned off my interest in tabletop worldbuilding, so this is an acknowledged weakness lol. You're certainly right that most light novelists don't bother into that level of detail since ease of reading is one of LN's primary draws. I will definitely keep this in mind.

2 & 3. Mmmh, this bears discussing/brainstorming upon. The concept with Kaede's character was to avoid any of the stupidity/perverse stuff that often comes with genderbending by giving her a very mild personality and calm outlook. The genderbent premise will stay a significant factor throughout much of the thing though, just not all at once since I didn't want the genre to focus on that. Her attitude is mostly a matter of pragmatism -- don't throw temper tantrums at someone your life depend on, etc, as after her initial outburst she realized just how badly that could have gone for her -- but it seems like I do need a general re-edit that since that's not coming off correctly; thanks on that note.
(Phew, I don't think I realized how much of a pain it is to juggle her character when I first came up with this concept...)

4. There are three major races/racial groups in this setting and if you're interested; don't worry they will be explored in depth, just not all at once due to the unavailability of knowledge (Medieval society veers the xenophobic side). The Hyperiens are normal humans. The Samarans have established reincarnation that drastically change their attitudes and social outlook. The 3rd, which I'll only establish if this project makes it far enough to get past the 1st book, are 'fey-touched' -- more precisely they have elemental spirit and genie blood, with a social tradition based on the Mamluks of Egypt.

5. War is coming next chapter =) I'm just setting up the characters so they're prepared with the right skills, and by that I don't mean just using a sword.

Thanks again for the feedback. Would love to keep hearing from you :)
Daybreak Project
"You crazy [email protected]! I'm gonna treat you like shit until you reveal your true form!!!"
"NO WAY. Over my dead, resurrected and killed again body." -- Kadi, when given a proposal about leaving [Miko-moe] 'as is' in TL.
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion

Postby ahmsab » Wed Nov 27, 2013 6:25 am

You can definatly count me on board on this one XD , just make sure to post the updates here so I get a notification when that happens , and if you can get the admins to put it on the BT main site that would be quite cool 8) . I'm quite happy from what I heard in your comment in regards to the points I raised , there is just one where you seem to have misunderstood me , namely the one regarding kaede's gender , I didn't mean the perverted side of it at all :lol: , I just thought one would have quite a bigger struggle accepting a diffrent gender if they were to change to it , I will refer you if you are interested to this manga called " Kanojo ni Naru Hi" , many people found it outright strange but I liked it . And in case you want to ask me about something regarding germany just send me a PM and I'll answer , we can skype about it if you want something more at length , whatever your comfertable with +).
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion

Postby Aorii » Wed Nov 27, 2013 3:40 pm

Added chapter 7 and the first serious scene that starts the main storyline.
Also added regional map, since that last scene pretty much requires it to follow. (Yes, I'm aware it looks very familiar :P)


@ahmsab
I've actually read "Kanojo ni Naru Hi". Went back and re-read it to see if I could pick up something extra. Unfortunately the series is pretty short so they touched upon more subjects than actually explored.
Although, after re-reading it, I'm not sure what I did so differently or could modify at the moment. Kaede doesn't have the flaunting self-confidence (or at least the image of it) that Mamiya has, but I didn't write her to be particularly self-conscious either. Mostly stuck to a 'life-goes-on' attitude thus far.
Daybreak Project
"You crazy [email protected]! I'm gonna treat you like shit until you reveal your true form!!!"
"NO WAY. Over my dead, resurrected and killed again body." -- Kadi, when given a proposal about leaving [Miko-moe] 'as is' in TL.
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion

Postby ahmsab » Wed Nov 27, 2013 5:14 pm

I have read the new chapter , great job as always . It took me a while to figure out the refrences and I'm not even sure I got all of them correct :lol: . The only complaint I have about this chapter is that I found it a bit confusing knowing which is which , although I was looking at the map the entire time , the reason for that was simply because the speaker (The Imperator) was from a diffrent country which confused me a bit for a while as I searched for the country of our heros among what was said .Other than that I enjoyed the chapter a lot , I have some comments in mind about certain things but I will keep them to myself untill I read some more chapters :mrgreen: . I forgot to mention before too that im the translator for the arabic Haruhi project for what it's worth :P.
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion

Postby Aorii » Thu Nov 28, 2013 7:47 pm

"...translator for the arabic Haruhi project..."

How many languages are you fluent in? O_O That makes third one already...

(Edit: almost forgot, but I did transediting for SAO's and translating for Campione's initial vols before either series took off, for what it's worth =P)

Feel free to comment even if they feel premature, cause I may or may not have noticed the issue (if I did, will try to explain without spoiling xD). Better safe than sorry lol.

Also sending you a PM after this :)

The 2nd half of the chapter is probably always going to be confusing to the new reader =| Probably inevitable when it paints the world at once from a fresh perspective.

Anyhow, as Kadi has pointed out the gender-effeminate issue in more detail, I'm rolling back onto a general edit (first to get hit is CH4 scene 1's wtf part; followed by CH2's ending). Next chapter may take a while.
Daybreak Project
"You crazy [email protected]! I'm gonna treat you like shit until you reveal your true form!!!"
"NO WAY. Over my dead, resurrected and killed again body." -- Kadi, when given a proposal about leaving [Miko-moe] 'as is' in TL.
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion

Postby Aorii » Mon Dec 02, 2013 8:11 am

1st complete pass editing finished.
Also chapter 8 finished initial editing and is up for beta'ing

First time I wrote this kind of subterfuge scene; hope it came out alright.

[edit: nope, time to gut it again over pacing issues]
Daybreak Project
"You crazy [email protected]! I'm gonna treat you like shit until you reveal your true form!!!"
"NO WAY. Over my dead, resurrected and killed again body." -- Kadi, when given a proposal about leaving [Miko-moe] 'as is' in TL.
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion

Postby ahmsab » Wed Dec 04, 2013 1:16 pm

I forgot to ask you btw , how many chapters do you intend to have in the first novel? :D
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion

Postby Aorii » Wed Dec 04, 2013 1:37 pm

Depending on how the rest of the scenes get pieced together : 13~14 before cutoff point.
Daybreak Project
"You crazy [email protected]! I'm gonna treat you like shit until you reveal your true form!!!"
"NO WAY. Over my dead, resurrected and killed again body." -- Kadi, when given a proposal about leaving [Miko-moe] 'as is' in TL.
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion

Postby Aorii » Wed Dec 11, 2013 8:56 am

Rewrote chapter 8 due to pacing issues; now reassembled with some scenes originally planned for later.
Reposted again with beta-readers' approval:

http://avalon.major-arcana.net/index.ph ... _Chapter_8

Now introducing earlier : Wild tofu.
Roam in packs, hunt with spears...
Daybreak Project
"You crazy [email protected]! I'm gonna treat you like shit until you reveal your true form!!!"
"NO WAY. Over my dead, resurrected and killed again body." -- Kadi, when given a proposal about leaving [Miko-moe] 'as is' in TL.
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion

Postby Kadi » Thu Dec 12, 2013 11:03 am

The Tofu is AMAZING! Haven't had such a good laugh in weeks, I think.
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『もきゅ!』
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion

Postby onizuka-gto » Fri Dec 13, 2013 9:01 am

seems like the comrades here like your novel, i see you already have it posted on another wiki.
But if you are still interested, you can also host it on the B-T wiki, i'm sure those who like your novel would also like to read it on their mobile phones as well. :)
"Please note, we have added a consequence for failure.Any contact with the chamber floor will result in an unsatisfactory mark on your official test record, followed by death. Good luck."

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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion

Postby ahmsab » Sun Dec 15, 2013 7:58 am

^ *Bows in Gratitude* :shock:
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion

Postby Aorii » Sun Dec 15, 2013 11:36 pm

Oh wow I really wasn't expecting that. Thank you much Onizuka for your vote of confidence ^^
I'll definitely take up that offer; do I just have to make a teaser project with it or is it more complicated than that? xD

The other wiki is a site I use for editing xD
Daybreak Project
"You crazy [email protected]! I'm gonna treat you like shit until you reveal your true form!!!"
"NO WAY. Over my dead, resurrected and killed again body." -- Kadi, when given a proposal about leaving [Miko-moe] 'as is' in TL.
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