OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion
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- Astral Realm
Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion
Well, I don't want to order you how to name a character or anything, but I can give you some advice. I think "Suvorsky" would be the best choice. It's closest to your choice and it's a real Russian surname (thought it's not common at all).
btw, the female version of this surname would be Suvorskaya.
btw, the female version of this surname would be Suvorskaya.
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion
Thanks for pointing this out. I'll modify that on the next full edit (should be coming out soon, since worldbuilding is starting to go into full swing)
For pure fun:
http://avalon.major-arcana.net/index.ph ... k:Timeline
For pure fun:
http://avalon.major-arcana.net/index.ph ... k:Timeline
Daybreak Project
"You crazy b@stard! I'm gonna treat you like shit until you reveal your true form!!!"
"NO WAY. Over my dead, resurrected and killed again body." -- Kadi, when given a proposal about leaving [Miko-moe] 'as is' in TL.
"You crazy b@stard! I'm gonna treat you like shit until you reveal your true form!!!"
"NO WAY. Over my dead, resurrected and killed again body." -- Kadi, when given a proposal about leaving [Miko-moe] 'as is' in TL.
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion
Is that like Mikiyo Tsudas "Day of Revolution"?ahmsab wrote: I will refer you if you are interested to this manga called " Kanojo ni Naru Hi" , many people found it outright strange but I liked it .
Please don't mind my bad english since I'm german.
Darklor
Out of the dark, into the dark.
Darklor
Out of the dark, into the dark.
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion
^In terms of what happens to the protag its pretty much the same thing , but the story takes quite the different route (the way the protag and his friend go around each other is the exact opposite of day of revolution ) . It's also much more dramatic from what I have seen so far.
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion
I read all existing chapters and really like them.
It's good that there are no 'good' or 'bad' guys in politics, and I hope it'll stay that way.
But because there are two Empires, sometimes it's hard to understand which Empire is in question.
If we talking about manga, your novel reminds me about 'Sekainohate de Aimashou', thought Kaede is smarter and more strong-willed.
It's good that there are no 'good' or 'bad' guys in politics, and I hope it'll stay that way.
But because there are two Empires, sometimes it's hard to understand which Empire is in question.
If we talking about manga, your novel reminds me about 'Sekainohate de Aimashou', thought Kaede is smarter and more strong-willed.
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion
@CBuHoKoT:
Thanks ^^ Hope you continue to enjoy~
Don't worry, I do strongly believe in Otto von Bismarck's application of realpolitik. 'Representational bias', however, may be unavoidable, since viewpoints will be strongly cluster towards one side of the conflict.
As part of the upcoming full edit, I'm going to try converting all mentions of "Empire" to "Lotharin/gie" in conversation, and "Imperial" applies strictly to the "Holy Imperium". Hopefully this at least diverts the problem until much much later (there's another Imperium in this setting -- Dawn Imperium in the far east).
Thanks ^^ Hope you continue to enjoy~
Don't worry, I do strongly believe in Otto von Bismarck's application of realpolitik. 'Representational bias', however, may be unavoidable, since viewpoints will be strongly cluster towards one side of the conflict.
As part of the upcoming full edit, I'm going to try converting all mentions of "Empire" to "Lotharin/gie" in conversation, and "Imperial" applies strictly to the "Holy Imperium". Hopefully this at least diverts the problem until much much later (there's another Imperium in this setting -- Dawn Imperium in the far east).
Daybreak Project
"You crazy b@stard! I'm gonna treat you like shit until you reveal your true form!!!"
"NO WAY. Over my dead, resurrected and killed again body." -- Kadi, when given a proposal about leaving [Miko-moe] 'as is' in TL.
"You crazy b@stard! I'm gonna treat you like shit until you reveal your true form!!!"
"NO WAY. Over my dead, resurrected and killed again body." -- Kadi, when given a proposal about leaving [Miko-moe] 'as is' in TL.
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion
Posted chapter 13...
http://www.baka-tsuki.org/project/index ... Chapter_13
Also finished general edit pass... easily the most boring task in writing...
http://www.baka-tsuki.org/project/index ... Chapter_13
Also finished general edit pass... easily the most boring task in writing...
Daybreak Project
"You crazy b@stard! I'm gonna treat you like shit until you reveal your true form!!!"
"NO WAY. Over my dead, resurrected and killed again body." -- Kadi, when given a proposal about leaving [Miko-moe] 'as is' in TL.
"You crazy b@stard! I'm gonna treat you like shit until you reveal your true form!!!"
"NO WAY. Over my dead, resurrected and killed again body." -- Kadi, when given a proposal about leaving [Miko-moe] 'as is' in TL.
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- Astral Realm
Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion
really liked what there is so far, found it interesting that the assassins failed due to either overestimating their target, being too patient, however I couldn't really see why they relied upon the servant for anything more than the target's whereabouts/ daily routine, they also seemed a little to 'loud' considering they appeared to scare said servant with harsh words rather than killing intent or some other 'dangerous aura' or even just 'deadly calm'ness.
Also on the topic of the assassins, why are they using their strongest magic on themselves, rather than their target, there seems to be a lot of overpowered disintegration magic flying around, but it never gets used against their primary target, that is Pascal, theres only a lame attempt at hiding their identity, considering they use a style that is known to be used by their own group, maybe its to not require cleanup missions?, and theres also the sniping version, which was fine, I thought. Maybe you should tone it down to a combustion type spell to just burn the bodies out completely to not leave anything behind, instead of coming close to making this disintegration magic looking easy to use, and leaving the readers wondering why anyone past the high school level isn't just disintegrating every opponent they set their eyes upon instantly...(MKnR much)
And one last thing, why do the assassins seem to obsess so much over knowing the location and mission start key-phrase, in ch9, Kaede knows everything but those two things about the plan, just why is it that those two things are so important, considering they are observing anyway?
Aside from these few minor points, it seemed very well written, is quite interesting, has particularly well thought out and written character interactions and personalities (except the assassins - they seem closer to ?thugs? until the mission actually starts), I wish you luck, hope your magic system doesn't crash with errors like the above, look forward to reading your future chapters and pray the story can remain as badass and full of emotion as it is now.
Also on the topic of the assassins, why are they using their strongest magic on themselves, rather than their target, there seems to be a lot of overpowered disintegration magic flying around, but it never gets used against their primary target, that is Pascal, theres only a lame attempt at hiding their identity, considering they use a style that is known to be used by their own group, maybe its to not require cleanup missions?, and theres also the sniping version, which was fine, I thought. Maybe you should tone it down to a combustion type spell to just burn the bodies out completely to not leave anything behind, instead of coming close to making this disintegration magic looking easy to use, and leaving the readers wondering why anyone past the high school level isn't just disintegrating every opponent they set their eyes upon instantly...(MKnR much)
And one last thing, why do the assassins seem to obsess so much over knowing the location and mission start key-phrase, in ch9, Kaede knows everything but those two things about the plan, just why is it that those two things are so important, considering they are observing anyway?
Aside from these few minor points, it seemed very well written, is quite interesting, has particularly well thought out and written character interactions and personalities (except the assassins - they seem closer to ?thugs? until the mission actually starts), I wish you luck, hope your magic system doesn't crash with errors like the above, look forward to reading your future chapters and pray the story can remain as badass and full of emotion as it is now.
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion
@Chill:
First of all, thanks for the support ^^
Let me see if I can address some of those questions:
Overall, the magical combat system is most a contest between spellpower/penetration vs defense/resistance. Most of the time, if something get through, the defender will either be maimed or outright dead. Since honestly, the amount of "HP" most story characters have kind of annoys me xD
I'll see if I can add some more details in chapter 11 to explain. This is usually a tricky issue since mechanically 'infodumping' an action scene also slows it down...
First of all, thanks for the support ^^
Let me see if I can address some of those questions:
Spoiler! :
I'll see if I can add some more details in chapter 11 to explain. This is usually a tricky issue since mechanically 'infodumping' an action scene also slows it down...
Sorry I really have no clue what you mean here. There is no key-phrase. And what location?And one last thing, why do the assassins seem to obsess so much over knowing the location and mission start key-phrase, in ch9, Kaede knows everything but those two things about the plan, just why is it that those two things are so important, considering they are observing anyway?
Daybreak Project
"You crazy b@stard! I'm gonna treat you like shit until you reveal your true form!!!"
"NO WAY. Over my dead, resurrected and killed again body." -- Kadi, when given a proposal about leaving [Miko-moe] 'as is' in TL.
"You crazy b@stard! I'm gonna treat you like shit until you reveal your true form!!!"
"NO WAY. Over my dead, resurrected and killed again body." -- Kadi, when given a proposal about leaving [Miko-moe] 'as is' in TL.
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- Astral Realm
Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion
The last half-hour before dusk passed away in an instant, and Kaede soon stood on the northwest corner of dormitory keep's roof just as she was told.
"Alea iacta est..." she repeated the famous words from memory.
-CH 10 (final paragraph)
or was this not a keyphrase to start the kill mission?,
if after Kaede's response to ".....If you want to back out, this is your last chance. Once I tell the rest, they won't hesitate to k-kill you if you try to leave the plan." (ch 9) maria didn't say something along the lines of: "after ensuring the target is unconcious due to the drug, go to the northwest corner of the dormitory keep's roof and say "........"."
since maria should have established that Kaede understood they were using a drug and attempting to have him drink it, what was 'the rest' that was imparted to Kaede? sorry, its a bit of an iffy thing to point at, but there seems to have been nothing behind that line, if you consider the assassins were observing the target in the first place.
thank you for the explanations,that cleared up alot for me, it seems the magic system is legit (although it does leave room for incredibly overpowered mages to just disintegrate anyone, through brute force, but that isn't an issue if no-one has the ridiculous power to do that to more than a person or two before running out of magic -or something like that-), yes, sometimes the 'HP' that allows characters to get back up after being punched through a stone wall annoys me too...
sounds like a storm or runic pebbles focused towards extreme velocity/ inertial increase/mass increase types of magic (or something along those lines - that is being dangerous in one direction type magics), mixed up with disintegration would a one particularly nasty combo
"Alea iacta est..." she repeated the famous words from memory.
-CH 10 (final paragraph)
or was this not a keyphrase to start the kill mission?,
if after Kaede's response to ".....If you want to back out, this is your last chance. Once I tell the rest, they won't hesitate to k-kill you if you try to leave the plan." (ch 9) maria didn't say something along the lines of: "after ensuring the target is unconcious due to the drug, go to the northwest corner of the dormitory keep's roof and say "........"."
since maria should have established that Kaede understood they were using a drug and attempting to have him drink it, what was 'the rest' that was imparted to Kaede? sorry, its a bit of an iffy thing to point at, but there seems to have been nothing behind that line, if you consider the assassins were observing the target in the first place.
thank you for the explanations,that cleared up alot for me, it seems the magic system is legit (although it does leave room for incredibly overpowered mages to just disintegrate anyone, through brute force, but that isn't an issue if no-one has the ridiculous power to do that to more than a person or two before running out of magic -or something like that-), yes, sometimes the 'HP' that allows characters to get back up after being punched through a stone wall annoys me too...
sounds like a storm or runic pebbles focused towards extreme velocity/ inertial increase/mass increase types of magic (or something along those lines - that is being dangerous in one direction type magics), mixed up with disintegration would a one particularly nasty combo
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion
Excellent writing, I thought that this was a professional work for a moment there until I came to the form. Keep up the good work!
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion
@yttam50 : Thank you for the encouragement ^^
@Chill : Moments like this almost makes me wish I did footnotes lol.
"Alea iacta est" isn't a code phase. It's Caesar's famous "the die is cast/the die has been cast" as he crossed the Rubicon to start his Civil War. Kaede is merely remarking along the lines of 'no turning back now'.
The rest of the instructions weren't implied so much as not given during that scene. Since in the scene follows the groundskeeper dictates to Marina what final instructions to Kaede should involve -- a meeting not written (since no real point repeating details) but Kaede refers to later.
Here's some changes I made to CH6 and CH11 help explain the magic system further:
This is the main problem with any setting of notable magic. Forget using fireballs to kill someone, the far more efficient thing to do would be to just turn part of them into 'anything' that doesn't belong on a human body and you have an insta-kill spell. As would stuff like... boiling their blood, or sharpening their bones, or expanding an organ to clog the arteries around them...
Disintegrate just has really high utility use, so it's one of the fallback alchemy-kill spells. The desert cultures may prefer 'Extract Water' bit more; haven't decided yet (also kind of gruesome to visualize).
Frankly the real overpoweredness I worry about Disintegrate is its barrier-clearing equipment-destroying potential. Magic items rely on a wielder's ether so they become part of the same network with the same resistances. But anything else? Castle walls' main purpose isn't to block attackers so much as to provide high ground for archers, lol.
There is a metal and a rock type with antimagic properties though. Obviously in a setting like this, demand for those will be high and they'll be expensive, limited resources. I'll explore those later after the war starts up.
And before someone notices -- healing spells are also alchemy. So it actually takes 'willingness' on the receiver's part for a healer to cast effectively. This is actually where Samaran bloods comes in. More on this later as well.
@Chill : Moments like this almost makes me wish I did footnotes lol.
"Alea iacta est" isn't a code phase. It's Caesar's famous "the die is cast/the die has been cast" as he crossed the Rubicon to start his Civil War. Kaede is merely remarking along the lines of 'no turning back now'.
The rest of the instructions weren't implied so much as not given during that scene. Since in the scene follows the groundskeeper dictates to Marina what final instructions to Kaede should involve -- a meeting not written (since no real point repeating details) but Kaede refers to later.
Here's some changes I made to CH6 and CH11 help explain the magic system further:
Spoiler! :
Disintegrate just has really high utility use, so it's one of the fallback alchemy-kill spells. The desert cultures may prefer 'Extract Water' bit more; haven't decided yet (also kind of gruesome to visualize).
Frankly the real overpoweredness I worry about Disintegrate is its barrier-clearing equipment-destroying potential. Magic items rely on a wielder's ether so they become part of the same network with the same resistances. But anything else? Castle walls' main purpose isn't to block attackers so much as to provide high ground for archers, lol.
There is a metal and a rock type with antimagic properties though. Obviously in a setting like this, demand for those will be high and they'll be expensive, limited resources. I'll explore those later after the war starts up.
And before someone notices -- healing spells are also alchemy. So it actually takes 'willingness' on the receiver's part for a healer to cast effectively. This is actually where Samaran bloods comes in. More on this later as well.
Daybreak Project
"You crazy b@stard! I'm gonna treat you like shit until you reveal your true form!!!"
"NO WAY. Over my dead, resurrected and killed again body." -- Kadi, when given a proposal about leaving [Miko-moe] 'as is' in TL.
"You crazy b@stard! I'm gonna treat you like shit until you reveal your true form!!!"
"NO WAY. Over my dead, resurrected and killed again body." -- Kadi, when given a proposal about leaving [Miko-moe] 'as is' in TL.
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion
Yes, here in this subforum. I usually haunt this place hoping to see something that catches my eye and expecting the writers to be influenced by the style of something they have read on the main site but the stuff they post doesn't resemble a light novel at all. This one is close as it can get and the quality of the writing is on a different level. The constant improvement of previous chapters is a plus too and the updates are frequent enough to don't forget about it.Aorii wrote: @Ghosty - Thanks. Do you mean 'here' as in this subforum?
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- Astral Realm
feedback - a lot
Wow, first thing that I need to tell is really wow.
Your LN is great, concretely after reading your first 11 level chapters in one go I was troubled by the lack of "proper presentation" on the project page, more precisely who is the author, so I opened both the page of this topic and a new tab to make a google search on this Aorii and the daybreak series. It's only once the forum page was loaded that I actually discover the truth (I didn't search for too long, no worry). So yes, Daybreak is good. Some part weren't perfect but I put it all on the inevitable loss due to translation... wrongly .
I start a post just after that but since I took quite a long time to write it, 2 more chapter are out so I just read them all again before posting it.
So since you want feedback I will write some, but because error are easier to spot (and complain), I really want to make my point with the above that is a good read.
Let's start first with what ahmsab (since he volunteer himself to start by posting first ) has noted :
Moreover gender-bending is something that, in his society (Japan/EU), exist (at least)in the form of urban legend (you don't even have to be a fan of manga to have heard of it) even if his case is more extreme; it's something that can be grasped. But an another part of his change may need a stronger reaction, and here I will put a spoiler tag(hint:his blood),
2. I think the mentality of Kaede do not dwell of what is impossible, as well as his mental training (archery), explain why Kaede put the question of coming back in a corner of his mind until further element appear.
3. More like Kaede assert correctly Pascal personality and chose to not hold him responsible for his stupidity when he can't do anything about him, is seriously reflecting on it on his own way and he offer a stability and security to a Kaede that will surely end up as slave or worse by himself.
suggestion : make Kaede put it in word how he understand how much Pascal is reflecting relatively to his position as a high noble in a society where serfdom still exist because of his study of history. For many, Pascal may not be sorry enough but Kaede can put it in perspective and really convene how much what he offer mean for somebody of his stature in that kind of society. )
What else can be said :
First, Pascal hair was golden hair... completely forgot about that. (it came back in chapter 2, but a lot happen after that make it got out of my mind completely)
Somehow the fangirl club doesn't have much substance and let me thought that Pascal was getting on everyone nerve in the school. (In chapter 1 they were almost squealing at his appereance)
In chapter 4, the difference of opinion on the value of history : great job, a perfect example of how Kaede met the criteria for the summon.
The story on polar caps and pirates didn't make any sense without google and wiki because that example for causality doesn't exist in my culture so maybe a direct reference to the wiki article could help?
The explanation on the poison used against Kaede was hard to follow. After carefully reading it again, my understanding is that it's so hard to poison a mage (poison resist spell or detoxification spell) that only a antimagie poison could work against him and even the most effective one can only knockout a mage for 10 hours or so(or anyone with magical properties, for example : a samaran). What I still don't understand is how the antimagie poison can't be detected, because having a detection spell erased by the poison properties should be a strong give-away.
The king of Pascal doesn't have a name before chapter 13 and it's only the family name.
That coupled with the country name that is hard to pronounce and remember for those that doesn't have knowledge of germanic put the entire country way below the Rhin-Lotharingie and the princess in importance. It feel like wencheil (after checking it's Weichsel ) is a vassal country without much importance.
In chapter 10, Gerd is introduced :
Ariadne personality doesn't strike me as someone who will accept to pass in second, but that what she done by dating Pascal who is engaged to the Crown Princess of Rhin-Lotharingie. She is too proud to simply do it for the fame (or Kaede fell for a front and Pascal was right for once).
The town seem too far from the school. When using the teleport, the town look like to be just under 10 km but the school warehouse/quartermaster is there, that's too far unless a reason is put down (a river used to move goods up to the town before going to the school on roads)
One of the post in this topic also caught my eyes:
Below are more some kind of expectation than feedback:
There is a strong emphasis on the alcoolhic food served only to Pascal leading to a belief that something will happen because of it (Kaede wanting her share maybe, but her tolerance to it is zero even though he could hold it in his world... or something like that).
With the explanation on what form toilet exist in Hyperion, coupled with the procedure to make a bed : the raw furniture directly delivered to the room and Pascal seems to be the one to transform them in bed, I am expecting Kaede to convince him to made some real toilet, and maybe shower.(there is already a reference to showering in the text but it feel like they use bathtub (the huge porcelain one with decorated feet kind) with water magically heated instead )
There was strong expectation with Kaede return to the rooftop in the fight against the assassin, especially since Kaede was self-trained in both eastern and western swordsmanship. Here she made a miraculous come back to end sitting and enjoying a bout (only the popcorn was missing). I was kind of expecting something like her rushing to help even with just distracting the enemy or, at least, dwell a little longer on how weak (s)he is that he can't even help (becoming ever a splendid demonstration that she will take note for or a motivator to train).
That all that was in my mind (or almost) while reading you LN, so now : good continuation
By the way, Borinful on google only show 4 results and hyperion page is in 2, congratulation on inventing a new word!
Your LN is great, concretely after reading your first 11 level chapters in one go I was troubled by the lack of "proper presentation" on the project page, more precisely who is the author, so I opened both the page of this topic and a new tab to make a google search on this Aorii and the daybreak series. It's only once the forum page was loaded that I actually discover the truth (I didn't search for too long, no worry). So yes, Daybreak is good. Some part weren't perfect but I put it all on the inevitable loss due to translation... wrongly .
I start a post just after that but since I took quite a long time to write it, 2 more chapter are out so I just read them all again before posting it.
So since you want feedback I will write some, but because error are easier to spot (and complain), I really want to make my point with the above that is a good read.
Let's start first with what ahmsab (since he volunteer himself to start by posting first ) has noted :
It didn't mark me much, I kind of remember of hard to digest paragraph on chapter 1, probably because no functionality was associated with all those buildings, but it look like it was removed(or it's just a trick of my mind?). By functionality, I mean which is the dorm? where is the hall where dinner take place? where does the professors live in? the guards? the library? on what building is kaede shooting at?ahmsab wrote:...
1-As commendable your building of the setting is, I have felt the terminology in regards to it to be a little bit too much sometimes , it was appropriate most of the time but at others it felt a bit unnecessary . This was more apparent with the description of the characters (particularly their clothing) . You have done it all very well but I feel it was excessive (although one could argue that is more appropriate for a light novel).
................
Kaede reaction to his change appear to me as well convened to the reader. Kaede is frustrated by his change of gender but understand that he can't do anything to it right now because he doesn't have the knowledge to even comprehend how he become a girl. Kaede character seem to be to accept reality and that a solution to his case will take time, so understanding Hyperion come first.ahmsab wrote: 2-The way you dealt with the issue of the change of kaede's gender felt quite unrealistic to me , it is something I was very interested in reading more about that upon knowing that she was originally a boy . It may have been intentional on your part in order to not make this an important point in the story but I thought I'd say it regardless.
Moreover gender-bending is something that, in his society (Japan/EU), exist (at least)in the form of urban legend (you don't even have to be a fan of manga to have heard of it) even if his case is more extreme; it's something that can be grasped. But an another part of his change may need a stronger reaction, and here I will put a spoiler tag(hint:his blood),
Spoiler! :
Well, here I disagree completely for 1. because, like T3Fan wrote it,ahmsab wrote: 3-The other thing I found issue with in Kaede's character was her reaction to her summoning, in three points in particular : 1-The fact that she reacted (in my opinion) quite less than a normal person would 2- the fact that she completely gave up on returning to her world without trying 3-And lastly the fact that she felt positively towards paskal because of his relatively kind treatment of her despite him being the person who brought her into this mess ( not to mention treating her sometimes like a servant) . It felt a bit unnatural and lacking to be honest.
T3Fan wrote: Although it's true that most people would panic more etc...but let's remember that Pascal had hard criterion for his summoned companion - one of them being above average intellectual capabilities.
2. I think the mentality of Kaede do not dwell of what is impossible, as well as his mental training (archery), explain why Kaede put the question of coming back in a corner of his mind until further element appear.
3. More like Kaede assert correctly Pascal personality and chose to not hold him responsible for his stupidity when he can't do anything about him, is seriously reflecting on it on his own way and he offer a stability and security to a Kaede that will surely end up as slave or worse by himself.
suggestion : make Kaede put it in word how he understand how much Pascal is reflecting relatively to his position as a high noble in a society where serfdom still exist because of his study of history. For many, Pascal may not be sorry enough but Kaede can put it in perspective and really convene how much what he offer mean for somebody of his stature in that kind of society.
It look like to me to be a huge foreboding on a possible clash of Kaede with the religious authority of the country. (witch hunt, trial, serf revolution movement secretly backed up by samaran republican...). Ah so much expectationahmsab wrote: 4-The hints you gave about the theology of Hyperiens and Samarans were very interesting to me , however it felt to me that they will remain hints and won't be explored that much in the course story , which would be a real shame in my opinion.
Quite true, there will have to be quite a work to do for writing about the war and still maintaining characters relationship interesting. It's hard to tell what are my aspiration(/hope?) to how the novel will progress. Based on past reads, a quick and smaller skirmish as a first war encounter will be better than a full scale war to help valorize Pascal and Kaede (and friends) interaction since they are not ikkitousen (doesn't have the power to decide a war by defeating thousand single-handedly). Maybe something like the first step/preparation work of the full scale war is fouled by the timely intervention of the hero and his unitahmsab wrote: 5- The last point I have is in regards to the direction the story is headed from , I feel like it may happen that war and grand events totally overshadow the characters and become the main part of the story (which maybe exactly what your aiming in reality) , but I feel with your abilities that a story centred more around the characters and where politics and war play a naturally a big role would be better ( which may be what your actually aiming for ) .
....
Spoiler! :
What else can be said :
First, Pascal hair was golden hair... completely forgot about that. (it came back in chapter 2, but a lot happen after that make it got out of my mind completely)
Somehow the fangirl club doesn't have much substance and let me thought that Pascal was getting on everyone nerve in the school. (In chapter 1 they were almost squealing at his appereance)
In chapter 4, the difference of opinion on the value of history : great job, a perfect example of how Kaede met the criteria for the summon.
The story on polar caps and pirates didn't make any sense without google and wiki because that example for causality doesn't exist in my culture so maybe a direct reference to the wiki article could help?
The explanation on the poison used against Kaede was hard to follow. After carefully reading it again, my understanding is that it's so hard to poison a mage (poison resist spell or detoxification spell) that only a antimagie poison could work against him and even the most effective one can only knockout a mage for 10 hours or so(or anyone with magical properties, for example : a samaran). What I still don't understand is how the antimagie poison can't be detected, because having a detection spell erased by the poison properties should be a strong give-away.
The king of Pascal doesn't have a name before chapter 13 and it's only the family name.
That coupled with the country name that is hard to pronounce and remember for those that doesn't have knowledge of germanic put the entire country way below the Rhin-Lotharingie and the princess in importance. It feel like wencheil (after checking it's Weichsel ) is a vassal country without much importance.
In chapter 10, Gerd is introduced :
, but in chapter 13, it's Cecylia that appear to be the history freak of Hyperion, so error of name ?Daybreak On Hyperion wrote:"Nothing of the like," Kaede waved it off. "I was an ordinary student. But I'm not one to think anything is completely above me. History is altered not just by grand sweeping plans, but by all the little individual actions that made it possible."
Ariadne nodded with her usual smile: "you sound like my friend Gerd. Go on."
Ariadne personality doesn't strike me as someone who will accept to pass in second, but that what she done by dating Pascal who is engaged to the Crown Princess of Rhin-Lotharingie. She is too proud to simply do it for the fame (or Kaede fell for a front and Pascal was right for once).
The town seem too far from the school. When using the teleport, the town look like to be just under 10 km but the school warehouse/quartermaster is there, that's too far unless a reason is put down (a river used to move goods up to the town before going to the school on roads)
One of the post in this topic also caught my eyes:
From the world description, I was thinking that enchanting make possible to add protective properties to wall and the like. (with the use of the pot chamber cleaner as example of powered equipment or the Lockdown anti-teleportation ward covering all the school). Else wall seems pretty useless except against bandit or civil (non-magical force).Aorii wrote: There is a metal and a rock type with antimagic properties though. Obviously in a setting like this, demand for those will be high and they'll be expensive, limited resources. I'll explore those later after the war starts up.
Below are more some kind of expectation than feedback:
There is a strong emphasis on the alcoolhic food served only to Pascal leading to a belief that something will happen because of it (Kaede wanting her share maybe, but her tolerance to it is zero even though he could hold it in his world... or something like that).
With the explanation on what form toilet exist in Hyperion, coupled with the procedure to make a bed : the raw furniture directly delivered to the room and Pascal seems to be the one to transform them in bed, I am expecting Kaede to convince him to made some real toilet, and maybe shower.(there is already a reference to showering in the text but it feel like they use bathtub (the huge porcelain one with decorated feet kind) with water magically heated instead )
There was strong expectation with Kaede return to the rooftop in the fight against the assassin, especially since Kaede was self-trained in both eastern and western swordsmanship. Here she made a miraculous come back to end sitting and enjoying a bout (only the popcorn was missing). I was kind of expecting something like her rushing to help even with just distracting the enemy or, at least, dwell a little longer on how weak (s)he is that he can't even help (becoming ever a splendid demonstration that she will take note for or a motivator to train).
That all that was in my mind (or almost) while reading you LN, so now : good continuation
By the way, Borinful on google only show 4 results and hyperion page is in 2, congratulation on inventing a new word!
- Aorii
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion
O_O
Well that was certainly quite some tonnage unleashed at once... lemme comment on what I can. But first, a thank you for the detailed feedback. Certainly gave me plenty of thoughts to chew on.
Secondly, I thought the front page was clear (albeit short) that this is an 'original work' written by a member of the community? =P
Third, this discussion reminds me of why I decided to switch to use 'her' for Kaede quite early. The interchangeable 'him' in this discussion between referring to Pascal and Kaede is kind of hard to understand.
I guess I should inject further lines of thinking from her. Mostly that she can't really do anything about any of those issues, so worrying excessively isn't doing her any favors.
Her needless worrying is the biggest cause for her lack of sleep, but I don't really plan to go into details on those other than hinting and referring to it every so often. It's not terribly interesting material to read and makes a character whose pinnacle trait is mental fortitude seem whiny.
The biggest problem is that Pascal isn't a very open person on what he is thinking/doing, so until action strike, most reflection done is pure guesswork and simply lacking the punch. I try to drop hints along the way (i.e. when Kaede approach Pascal over returning-to-old-world issue in CH8 and his explanation indicate he's already done the initial research). Not to mention revealing too much before the assassination plot would undermine the conflict
True wars are a battle of mind and will, where personalities clash and exploitation of a general's character flaws run blood like rivers, where every decision of trust and gamble that would otherwise affect one or two friends now govern the lives of thousands... well, you can see what's my take on war drama lol xD
Don't worry I have no plans to write an action film; nor am I going to break out into all serious and no fun ^^
There's a mix of those who like him thanks to his background, succession, and sheer future potential (the looks does help), and those who dislike him because he's an ass. Pascal's been around school long enough that everyone has picked their side xD
Weichsel's King is almost never mentioned until the politicking starts, mostly because Pascal has no direct relations to the guy (until coming chapter).
Also, only hinted at thus far in her intro, but Ariadne's family is extremely political, and since Pascal's dad rules the military... you get the picture.
I'm actually tempted to make fortress design a bit more Japanese-esque (i.e. tiered elevation castles), so just blowing up a wall isn't going to be the end-all...
I really need someone with game design experience/interest to bounce thoughts off of, lol.
As for your expectations: ^^
Well that was certainly quite some tonnage unleashed at once... lemme comment on what I can. But first, a thank you for the detailed feedback. Certainly gave me plenty of thoughts to chew on.
Secondly, I thought the front page was clear (albeit short) that this is an 'original work' written by a member of the community? =P
Third, this discussion reminds me of why I decided to switch to use 'her' for Kaede quite early. The interchangeable 'him' in this discussion between referring to Pascal and Kaede is kind of hard to understand.
TBH, does it really matter if her body was altered or completely new? It's still entirely different from what she had. The dead part did freak her out until she realized Pascal has no verification, and no mediums of attaining confirmation.[spoilers]when Kaede realise his blood is transparent, that his entire body is actually not him/his to begin, and that he could be dead... each of those are should be enough to seriously freak anybody (fear of the unknown) and here Kaede accept it too easily (no reaction at all, just froze up for 15 minutes and hop! back to business as usual ! Come on...)[/spoilers]
I guess I should inject further lines of thinking from her. Mostly that she can't really do anything about any of those issues, so worrying excessively isn't doing her any favors.
Her needless worrying is the biggest cause for her lack of sleep, but I don't really plan to go into details on those other than hinting and referring to it every so often. It's not terribly interesting material to read and makes a character whose pinnacle trait is mental fortitude seem whiny.
You'll actually see an update to this next chapter. Please hit the topic again if it doesn't seem satisfactory.suggestion : make Kaede put it in word how he understand how much Pascal is reflecting relatively to his position as a high noble in a society where serfdom still exist because of his study of history. For many, Pascal may not be sorry enough but Kaede can put it in perspective and really convene how much what he offer mean for somebody of his stature in that kind of society.
The biggest problem is that Pascal isn't a very open person on what he is thinking/doing, so until action strike, most reflection done is pure guesswork and simply lacking the punch. I try to drop hints along the way (i.e. when Kaede approach Pascal over returning-to-old-world issue in CH8 and his explanation indicate he's already done the initial research). Not to mention revealing too much before the assassination plot would undermine the conflict
First, Ikkitousen is a stain on Asian literature that I can never forgive (so pardon any offensiveness here). Now, if you actually read/seen/known the original source material (Romance of the Three Kingdoms), Zhuge Liang did move mountains at the age of mere 26 after freshly emerging from a peasant's straw hut. Pascal has way more training by comparison.Quite true, there will have to be quite a work to do for writing about the war and still maintaining characters relationship interesting. It's hard to tell what are my aspiration(/hope?) to how the novel will progress. Based on past reads, a quick and smaller skirmish as a first war encounter will be better than a full scale war to help valorize Pascal and Kaede (and friends) interaction since they are not ikkitousen (doesn't have the power to decide a war by defeating thousand single-handedly). Maybe something like the first step/preparation work of the full scale war is fouled by the timely intervention of the hero and his unit
True wars are a battle of mind and will, where personalities clash and exploitation of a general's character flaws run blood like rivers, where every decision of trust and gamble that would otherwise affect one or two friends now govern the lives of thousands... well, you can see what's my take on war drama lol xD
Don't worry I have no plans to write an action film; nor am I going to break out into all serious and no fun ^^
It's surprisingly hard to get an opportunity to comment about a guy's hair lol. Short hair just doesn't do anything fancy ^^;; I'll try to locate some spots.First, Pascal hair was golden hair... completely forgot about that. (it came back in chapter 2, but a lot happen after that make it got out of my mind completely)
Somehow the fangirl club doesn't have much substance and let me thought that Pascal was getting on everyone nerve in the school. (In chapter 1 they were almost squealing at his appereance)
There's a mix of those who like him thanks to his background, succession, and sheer future potential (the looks does help), and those who dislike him because he's an ass. Pascal's been around school long enough that everyone has picked their side xD
I'll consider. There are a LOT of references though (mostly historical, shock!), and as an author pointing them out feel a bit forced =\The story on polar caps and pirates didn't make any sense without google and wiki because that example for causality doesn't exist in my culture so maybe a direct reference to the wiki article could help?
This particular antimagic material is of the 'resist' variety. It doesn't erase/dispel antidote spells. It just isn't affected by them. To all eyes, the magic worked normally.What I still don't understand is how the antimagie poison can't be detected, because having a detection spell erased by the poison properties should be a strong give-away.
I'll stick his name in CH1 lol.The king of Pascal doesn't have a name before chapter 13 and it's only the family name.
That coupled with the country name that is hard to pronounce and remember for those that doesn't have knowledge of germanic put the entire country way below the Rhin-Lotharingie and the princess in importance. It feel like wencheil (after checking it's Weichsel ) is a vassal country without much importance.
Weichsel's King is almost never mentioned until the politicking starts, mostly because Pascal has no direct relations to the guy (until coming chapter).
Not really. It's not the history so much as the mentality. Gerd is a believer it doesn't take a lord to do something fate-altering. Part of his "champion the commoners" aim.In chapter 10, Gerd is introduced :
"Nothing of the like," Kaede waved it off. "I was an ordinary student. But I'm not one to think anything is completely above me. History is altered not just by grand sweeping plans, but by all the little individual actions that made it possible."
Ariadne nodded with her usual smile: "you sound like my friend Gerd. Go on."
, but in chapter 13, it's Cecylia that appear to be the history freak of Hyperion, so error of name?
I don't have Ariadne's past personality nailed down quite as well, but Pascal does comment that she changed a lot over two years.Ariadne personality doesn't strike me as someone who will accept to pass in second, but that what she done by dating Pascal who is engaged to the Crown Princess of Rhin-Lotharingie. She is too proud to simply do it for the fame (or Kaede fell for a front and Pascal was right for once)
Also, only hinted at thus far in her intro, but Ariadne's family is extremely political, and since Pascal's dad rules the military... you get the picture.
The strongest fortifications will have ley-line-powered-wards, but that won't stop a concentrated barrage of alchemy spells. But then, neither did stone ever stop a horde of trebuchets from breaching.From the world description, I was thinking that enchanting make possible to add protective properties to wall and the like. (with the use of the pot chamber cleaner as example of powered equipment or the Lockdown anti-teleportation ward covering all the school). Else wall seems pretty useless except against bandit or civil (non-magical force).
I'm actually tempted to make fortress design a bit more Japanese-esque (i.e. tiered elevation castles), so just blowing up a wall isn't going to be the end-all...
I really need someone with game design experience/interest to bounce thoughts off of, lol.
As for your expectations: ^^
- Merely hinting that Pascal's favorite food is beer soup. Kaede already noted to avoid mind-altering substances (CH2), but there'll be a scene later about her tolerance levels.
- I don't think Kaede knows how a toilet actually works (flow dynamics isn't part of her education). She does have the idea, although they lack the water infrastructure of modern times. We'll see.
- I gave Kaede basic martial arts training so she can recognize skill, manage basic defense, and doesn't do anything stupid, so... don't expect anything too actiony =P. There's a mountain of difference between a modern-age amateur and a medieval knight who grew up with the sword.
Daybreak Project
"You crazy b@stard! I'm gonna treat you like shit until you reveal your true form!!!"
"NO WAY. Over my dead, resurrected and killed again body." -- Kadi, when given a proposal about leaving [Miko-moe] 'as is' in TL.
"You crazy b@stard! I'm gonna treat you like shit until you reveal your true form!!!"
"NO WAY. Over my dead, resurrected and killed again body." -- Kadi, when given a proposal about leaving [Miko-moe] 'as is' in TL.