OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion

[caparo]

A fantastic read! Great world building, although a little too heavy on the info dump in some earlier chapters of the first volume (in my opinion). I particularly enjoyed volume 2 chapter 1. Everything seemed to flow smoothly, the interactions between Pascal and Sylviane, and finding out more about their backgrounds, their personalities, their motivations, their concerns and worries.

[Aorii]

After much delays, finally added v2ch2:
http://www.baka-tsuki.org/project/index ... _Chapter_2


@Windoze : Glad you enjoyed it ^^

@Caparo : Yeah I must say I can't really avoid a few infodump portions. I simply don't know any good way to get a whole new world across quickly enough; but I try to make it at least interesting to read. In fact, a big part of the reason I did the whole modern-person-in-odd-world premise was to give an opportunity for slower, in-character-perspective world development.
Thanks for your support! o/ This is especially helpful since interactions with Sylv are rapidly becoming a pain to write lol.

[CBuHoKoT]

"Hmph! You better be grateful! That is a royal gift from the house of de Gaetane...!"
"Don't misunderstand. I am merely issuing you a fair reward for your accomplishments..."
"As a princess I must show kindness to loyal attendants; that is all there is to it!"

Ahaha, the art of tsundere xD

[Schion93]

oh god, I just realised how much I like this series when I saw that it was updated I thought FINALLY and when I finished reading the chapter I wanted MORE all in all a good read as always love how Kaede is becoming more confused and was temporarily attracted to the Dhampir grandpa XD

[GodAtom028]

I love this series! Great job! Actually, it kind of reminds me of a gender swapped Zero no Tsukaima. Albeit, a lot less abusive summoner, and a lot more interesting personality on the MC.

[Aorii]

@CBuHoKoT : Haha. Not as easy as I thought before trying to write out it. Quite a few edits went into that to make it not too awkward ^^;;

@Schion93 : Sorry, updates are running slow recently due to other life problems. That part was fun to write x)

@GodAtom028 : Glad you enjoy it. I can't say the idea came from ZnT (this was mostly a project I decided one night would be funny to write and just rolled on with it since my friends liked it), but I probably did get some inspiration from it since I read a lot of them. Big genre/intended-audience flip though.

[nisepanda]

at first I was skeptical with the zero-no-tsukaima-reversed-ish of the setting,
but the story was actually more interesting than that and I got hooked in the end

as for the critics, I'm not really good with such and will need to reread the story again, so maybe in later time,
however, a suggestion do I have:
you need an illustrator!
illustrations! and the light novel will be complete!
if my drawing is good (which unfortunately am not) I would be really honored to illustrate this work, so I think you will be able to look for illustrator easily that is willing to draw for you (even for free) if they have read Daybreak on Hyperion

aside from that, your writing succeeded in makes me want to learn more about history
I really enjoyed it and shall wait for the next chapter!
and be proud that I waited it like I waited for the next translation of Kamachi Kazuma-sensei works

[Aorii]

@nisepanda:
Yeah I understood that the premise could be a real divider to people's tastes (especially given ZnT's questionable reputation). But it's also what amused me enough at the start to write it in the first place ^^;

As for illustrations, unfortunately I have not kept in contact with my artist friends from way back. My own lineart is just passing, takes forever, and I can't color worth anything. This'll have to wait in the meantime =P

Glad that you enjoyed it. Hopefully next chapter will be out soon now that I've dealt with some of the recent issues.

[Hitomi]

i wouldn't believe that this was written by an unofficial author if i didn't know better. you are seriously doing a good job.
the setting didn't peak my interest much, at the beginning, but the main characters personality saved it for me.
i read through all the chapters in one go and i'm eager for the coming chapters.

[Aorii]

Sorry for the late response, but I've been trying to catch up in writing. Next chapter is out for alpha and should hopefully be available within the week.

@Hitomi : Thanks for your kind words, although speaking from the perspective of a hobbyist worldbuilder, I do hope the setting has grown on you since then xD
TBH, I was actually worried whether the MC was interesting enough at start, since Kaede doesn't react nearly as strongly as many her age (as people have pointed out). Her personality was developed for long-run goals =)

[wrwrwrwr21]

I read through this series a while ago and really rather liked it. Just today, though, I realized that it's become one of the series I check everyday for updates. Great work! Looking forward to more chapters

[Aorii]

Phew, chapter 3 is finally out, bit more serious than the usual.

@wrwrwrwr21 : Thank you, and I'm glad you enjoy it. I'll try to bring updates back to a faster pace xD

[caparo]

Horray for new chapter!

And the plot thickens!

[vnvnvn]

This light novel is awesome. If you haven't give it a try yet then do it now!

[Himeko Inaba]

Hey there, I thought I'd drop in and lend you some encouragement. Reading Daybreak has been a lot of fun. It's been better than any of the English LNs on my shelf except Zaregoto and Haruhi. That makes me sad about the industry, but point is I'd pay money to read more. Feel free to start charging and you might make enough to do nothing but write for a month or two.

Your main character is awesome. I know that everyone is talking about her and not the worldbuilding you've put so much work into, but the fact is we're all anime fans and anime is all about the girls and boys. Your character work is even more impressive than that. I love a calm, cute, intelligent girl. You did a great job describing her appearance, but her still spirit is her really great quality. Never impressed, rarely complaining; always decisive but never needing to decide. She's the very best example of a passive person, and giving everyone else an active or overbearing personality shows that in sharp relief. Her refusal to worry about things beyond her reach while doing right by everyone near her makes her a truly good woman and reading about her brings a smile to me. Even if her conscious thought was pragmatic, she never had a problem with using she, wearing dresses, menstruating or even with being attracted to men. "That's just how that is." She never even bothered to think about whether she liked it, and as reader I always thought so. That was very impressive - at least I thought so, and that's all I can talk about (even if my interpretation was different than you intended, that itself is useful information). It becomes her weakness too. Despite concerns about being weak, she never once tried to work out besides shooting her bow. It seems she had no pride as a man because she never tried to extend her reach. It's unclear whether her temperament changed when she received a new brain, but she'd be able to remember those details (that's not a complaint; it's interesting). Not important to her character, but it could tell us more about summoning magic.

Pascal and his not-friends are pretty cool too. A male character with hard-earned skills and a force of will is far more likeable and interesting than most anime/LN heroes. I'm probably in the minority, but I do not think humbling him is good by itself. I think you intended that personality change as denouement, but it'll only be awesome if it furthers his goals or helps realize the values that Kaede liked in him at the beginning. I look forward to seeing him influencing larger groups of people and becoming ever stronger, unless something really dramatic happens.

You usually get your meaning across and don't waste too many words. You aren't trying to be Nisioisin, Nasu or goddamn Herman Melville. Your simple style is brisk and enjoyable, but it's still in need of improvement. This is the only area where you fall behind the average professional author - in most others you're miles ahead.

You use a lot of metaphors too often, and they get old. You always compare the dragonrider's hair with a waterfall, for example. It's a a waste-length, pink "cascade." That's all we know for every time it's mentioned. Each repetition of that is a missed opportunity to add detail and make it sound even prettier...or just leave it out and get on with the story. You describe Kaede's hair infrequently, but we know more about it and what she does with it, which makes it more attractive: It's straight, white, silky, and so long that when she sits down it forms a pile beside her. She never puts it up - probably doesn't know how to - and when riding horses, she'll tuck it into her belt instead! She loves how it feels on her skin, presumably a lot because she used to be a man and hasn't cut it. I risk sounding voyeuristic talking like that, but what else is the point of mentioning the ladies' hair so often? It's the same problem, but worse, with eyes and gazes. They are always quartz or topaz or something.

Magic battles are the only place you're actually unclear. You explain certain details of the rules well enough, but I have no idea what is supposed to be happening when I read something like the fight in chapter 6. It's pretty clear these are secondary to the political intrigue and personal relationships, and I'm very happy with that, but again there's room for improvement.

Spoiler! :

"You may begin!" Professor von Kirchner's crisp words rang like a starting bell.

Leaping forward, Pascal charged Reynald without delay, his blade thrusting forward and slashing downwards. At the same time, his left hand stretched out with fingers extended, triggering a contingency effect as four rune-engraved pebbles materialized into his hand from the extra-dimensional storage glove. They activated a split second later, surrounding Pascal with the invisible aura of his anti-projectile Repulsion Field, five rotating turquoise shields of his auto-blocking Spellshield Fortress, and the unseen plates of his weightless Barrier Armor, which grew translucent as the magic-resistant Barrier Guard layered onto it.

With four powerful defensive enhancements set in the blink of an eyes, Pascal could focus his attention completely on offense.

But after three leaps back which avoided Pascal's repeated attacks, Reynald flashed to the other side of the platform in a bolt of lightning, literally.

"Armor Aura Burst!" the redhead called, sending out a pressurized blast of air as he used his aura stance switch to conjure an invisible suit of magic armor. Reynald then crossed his twin kukris before his eyes.

Meanwhile Pascal activated the second four buffs of his usual defensive array, followed by scattering an entire bag of runic pebbles across the arena. With the field under his control, he charged again.

But Reynald unleashed the crimson magic pumped into his practice weapons with a set of Ancient Draconic words:

"Scorch-Ether, Catalyst Fragmentation Dispel!"

Burst-mode Aura Magic was known for having the highest spell acceleration of all casting styles, but it had a high tendency to overwhelm the nerve conduits and leave the body numb. Prolonged use could even lead to temporary and permanent paralysis.

The X-shaped fire blast sucked in atmosphere like a black hole as it soared towards Pascal. His Repulsion Field popped like a bubble under a gargantuan hammer. One of his turquoise shields then met the attack, breaking into three pieces under its power but shattering the offensive spell. Yet instead of dispersing, Reynald's dispel fragmented into four parts that pierced into Pascal's translucent armor. The entire suit glowed as Barrier Guard fought to maintain the defense, only to collapsed into a kaleidoscopic burst of mana less than two seconds later. Not done with its job, the shards of fiery-red magic then penetrated Pascal himself.

The Runelord staggered. Steam began to pour from his sizzling body as hostile antimagic crashed against his ether network. His second set of four self-buffs backfired, fueling the hostile incursion as Elemental Body of Earth, Shift Impulse, Sensory Clarity, and Metabolic Boost transformed into volatile ether. His speed broke as his teeth clenched down in pain.

A second lightning-transformation put Reynald just behind the distracted Pascal. Coming out in a spin and infused with the ward-piercing Negation spell, his dual kukris struck the Runelord like twin rotor blades, bringing the latter to his knees.

"Stop!" the professor called out. "Thank you, Sir von Moltewitz. Mister von Witzinger, please escort him to..."

Kneeling on all fours and panting in pain did not stop Pascal from cutting in:

"I am fine, Sir!"

Writing about something with no real-world counterpart can be challenging. While you describe what some spells are supposed to do and what affects auras can have on users, I have no idea what a "catalyst fragmentation" is, what it's supposed to do, or how it's supposed to look. You know your magic system far better than I do, so I'm not going to try and tell you how to detail it; whatever you do is bound to be wordy so you could put more thought into which details are the most important.

Ex:
-If the professor's voice is like a starting bell, don't say it's crisp. The descriptions are redundant, so if you're going to say two things, add a new detail.
-It doesn't matter if Reynald's knife slashes up or down, especially since he missed. And of course it was forward! "Reynald slashed" is good.
-You don't have to mention what color every single magic blast was

By the way, if you ever do a bonus disc after you finish the main story, it would be pretty cool to see some of the badass days in Pascal's school life that earned his reputation.

Keep up the awesome work. Stuff like this gives me hope for the whole visual culture community. Looks like you've got two good beta readers but if you want another or just feel like chatting PM or email to [email protected]

Later.