OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion

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Himeko Inaba
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion

Post by Himeko Inaba »

Since this chapter is supposed to tell is what is happening to the armies and how the battle affects Kaede, who is somewhat responsible for the plan and still depressed from last time. Rather than switching viewpoints all the time, I think it would be better to use Kaede or Pascal, who can communicate with her, for the whole chapter. This way, you can tell the whole story of Kaede hope and pride and optimistic spectating turning to despair. The battle shouldn't be hard to observe from far away, and anyway a continuous POV would benefit the whole chapter. For example, it was weird that no one noticed the archmage's thunder clouds approaching. Even if ALL of the phantoms were inside the eye of their own storm and no one was watching outside (which would be dumb), outsiders could easily see what was going on (in fact, remote vantage points should be an essential asset in this kind of battle).

I think Kaede's mounting fear and despair would be more complex and interesting than the immediate but simple horror Sylviane is going through. If you need to relate her thoughts during this fight for character development, it will be easy to do later. "Sylviane led the charge" is just as good as the two or three paragraphs you have leading up to that if she breaks down and cries about it later. The difference in time might even allow it to surprise the reader, and its effect should be stronger than simply resolving the conflict immediately after it appears. You should be able to tell a lot about every soldier's attitude simply through their actions, especially with Kaede's eyes which can apparently recognize the old guy's face from three kilometers away. The story is about the characters' relationships with each other, and not what the reader should think of them, so - it's a little late for this - but I think it's better to restrict information to what they are capable of sensing. Not always, of course, but that should be useful when the info is relevant to those relationships. Not only would that be more immersive, it would tell us more about how the POV characters think.

Your last few lines make a good example:

"But I can't just watch them die!" Kaede whimpered back as she turned her Phantom Steed and spurred it on.
"Yes, you will."
Pascal ordered with the grim determination of death himself as he completely misunderstood her tone.
"It is our solemn duty to watch their every struggle. Because only by carving their sacrifice into our souls can we understand the full weight of our responsibilities, the severity of our every choice!"
"No, I'd rather join them," Kaede replied through quiet but resolute words.
This time, what slowly returned was a mental sigh.
"Not everyone can simply abandon their post of responsibility. But even you will not get there on time."

>

"But I can't just watch them die!" Kaede whimpered back as she turned her Phantom Steed and spurred it on.
"Would you turn away? It is our solemn duty to watch their every struggle. Because only by carving their sacrifice into our souls can we understand the full weight of our responsibilities, the severity of our every choice!"
"I'm turning towards them."
This time, she received a mental sigh.
"Not everyone can simply abandon their post of responsibility. But even you will not get there on time."

So rather than saying that Pascal misunderstood with the narrator's voice, you can make it obvious with his own voice. He can even go on at some length before Kaede lets him know. There are some cool details you could insert to make it even better, like how Kaede felt about Pascal's reply (patronized? lonely because no one understands her?) or what it's like to turn around a phantom steed.
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roXplosive
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion

Post by roXplosive »

I have to thank you for this funny read . It was quie refreshing , written in a simple manner and touching aspects that for many would be hard to deal with .

Well i should start out with what i think it is out of place at a first read :

1) "I courted Ariadne once, back during our first year here. It lasted little more than a week. She couldn't stop complaining about every little detail about her performance that bothered her back then. I ran out of patience quickly and broke off the relationship. She has barely talked to me and only referred to me as 'self-centered prick' ever since."

I think the third phrase is pretty ambiguous but it might just be me .

2) Why does Pascal not use Sanctuary after he recovered his senses in the bombed command center during the jarl's attack . As one can deduce from the original scene the healing from the beating Kaede administered was swift and didn't reform the bones in a wrong way . And that as well acts as a temporary safe haven to recast his defensive spells right ?

3) I think Kaede's reaction at finding herself sleeping near Pascal the final night while rcovering from her battle trauma to be overblown . It is natural for men to have erection during sleep , especially during the last few hours of sleep . It really is annoying to wake up in the middle of the night after drinking too much water and wanting to go to the bathroom ... only to find yourself forced to postpone it for a bit .

As far as narative style goes I would have to admit the most impressive passage was the small dialogue between Ariadne and Kaede on the roof where you highlighted some conversational traps set up in order to draw closer to the other person or capitalize on their weakness . If you can add more paragraphs like that it would be most welcome :twisted:

I like the vision of the different sides showcasing that each of them has the sense of righteousness on their side but I wish you could advance in a more unorthodox direction while discussing societal conflicts between cultures . So far it seems like you are transmitting more or less the same message that the movie "kingdom of heaven" based it's story on .

Talking about character development I think your characters feel less forced than the ones from say Les Miserables of Victor Hugo but less lifelike than let's say the personages from the anime 12 kingdoms . Well to be honest i am a big fan of that series altough it is not that well known . I would also like to see your opinion of a natural "villain" ; as a starting point I guess Wolf and Mary manwha has a pretty unique approach on the subject .

For the development of Kaede , the changes showcased in mentality are well drawn but I wonder if we will get to see some shift from logical based thinking of men to the more feelings based and cautious logic of women . Can't wait to see further chapters .

Another thing i am eager is to have a bit more religious talk . Well for one I want to know in what measure pascal is just conforming to the faith of the majority or maybe how much the phrase " Praise the lord for he has sent me an angel " apply on a more daily basis . And the other reason I an waiting a progress on this front is because the joke with the flying pasta has gone on for long enough and maybe I see Kaede as a common ground for new understanding between the barbaric tribes of the north and Weichsel .

What should I add ? Hmm... wish you stay healthy and write a lot more :lol:
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Himeko Inaba
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion

Post by Himeko Inaba »

I mentioned to Aorii months ago that none of the characters are at all serious about the religion that is supposed to dominate the land. It's unclear whether most of them are even theists, and we certainly have no idea about the religious culture among the nobles or just how the church maintains its power. I say it's important to have a clear idea of the concepts involved in an ideological conflict so readers are know of what is really at stake, and there is plenty of time to slowly introduce them before that conflict comes to the fore. If I remember well (and I may not), he said he was doing just that, and the only disagreement between us was how quickly he should dispense that information.
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Ulrick
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion

Post by Ulrick »

Thank you. I finished reading the 1st volume in less than 4 days... It's quite good.

I really like it.

Well done!
Cantelope
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion

Post by Cantelope »

Wow, I loved it; found out about the series yesterday and spent all day on a marathon through everything. Very addictive.

Uh, the amount of side characters feels excessive; it's incredibly difficult to remember the names of all these random military people who only seem to exist for a particular military battle.

On the other hand, I really like how lovable the main cast is. I like the parallels to historical events in real life, and that you bothered to build a background for the sociopolitical environment within the novel.

Keep it up!
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Himeko Inaba
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion

Post by Himeko Inaba »

Chapter 15 is finished, and more are quickly coming. However, the author can't log on to baka-tsuki due to an accidental blacklisting.

Until it's fixed, you can read and comment on new chapters of Daybreak at: krytykal.org/daybreak

No registration is required. That's the best way to reach Aorii right now. He plans to post new chapters on B-T again when he can.

-Himeko
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Himeko Inaba
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion

Post by Himeko Inaba »

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Aorii
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion

Post by Aorii »

Hey it looks like B-T finally fixed the problem and I can log in again. I apologize for the late reply. Nevertheless, I'm using http://krytykal.org/daybreak/ as the primary means of discussion for Daybreak nowadays, so I welcome people to post their questions there instead ^^

As Himeko noted, chapter 16 has already been out and chapter 17 (last) should hopefully be done by the end of month.


Thanks to everyone's continued support.

@roXplosive:

1) Eh, sorry I read that a few times and still not sure which part of it "third phrase" implies.

2) Sanctuary's defensive quality isn't really that strong and won't stand up to a concentrated bombardment. Best to get out of the way first, and not draw more attention with a colored dome. Honestly that spell is designed more as a slow area-heal than sheltering.

3) [shrug] part of that scene was written for comedy, so yes may be slightly exaggerated... or Kaede just has that shy of a personality (people often underestimate how different liberal and conservative cultures can be).

I'll keep that narration in mind ^^ there's a lot of room for such in vol3 as far as planning goes.

Society conflict -- working on it. The problem is that's an aspect that takes a long time to properly get across, or even get noticed. The only bits that really shown it so far is the discussion between Admiral Winter and his brother, where the Northmen sees 'civilization' as much dirtier/scheming compared to 'barbaric' tribal traditions. Or the hints dropped about how "acceptable rules of war" between the north and the south is so different.

I am not Fuyumi Ono. Come back to me about characterization skills after I've written a dozen books and became a famous author =P I also started the characters off much further on the maturity path so...
(I actually quite admire her detailed storybuilding skills. Her pacing skills not so much xD It's so hard to recommend The Twelve Kingdoms to people due to how slow it starts)
I don't believe in villains, only antagonists. Real life conflicts are almost never black-n-white. Only propaganda tries to make it so.

Religion will be a big part of the next arc, although we'll see how much religious talk we actually get. Part of the issue comes from the fact I'm not an very religious person myself (I read about various religions but I don't exactly study them scholarly) so... if we get biblical about things and start discussing doctrine in depth, my rough edges are going to show ^^'


@Cantelope:

Sorry, between (1) I'm used to massive casts from Asian literature and (2) it's hard to write a war without dozens of people, the names can get confusing. My only suggestion is: you don't need to mind the names much if they only show up once or few times. It's when they start appeared repeated that you should be concerned =P
Daybreak Project
"You crazy b@stard! I'm gonna treat you like shit until you reveal your true form!!!"
"NO WAY. Over my dead, resurrected and killed again body." -- Kadi, when given a proposal about leaving [Miko-moe] 'as is' in TL.
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cud-b-better
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion

Post by cud-b-better »

Wow, nice job with this. Haven't read too much yet but Pascal is quite the egotistical guy. I wonder if he mellows out later on. Well I can tell I'm going to enjoy this one.
If you love something you should try your hand at it. My pride and joy is everyone else's nightmare. https://www.fictionpress.com/s/3068594/1/Soul-Anomaly <-- My light Novel, I promise you'll laugh.
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Arbrocts
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion

Post by Arbrocts »

I'm still in the middle of volume 2 but I gonna write something about your project.
So lets start with this that I'm like black hole in the world of books if I only find something interesting I will finish 10 volumes LN series in week or read 500+ pages book in one afternoon so in year I read about 100 books. That's why I started to learn Japanese (mooore books). Anyway, after a few hundred read books I found Daybreak on Hyperion on Krytyk site. Just finished last chapter of OSO and I thought "There is still one more hour to midnight so lets try this one". Without even one break I finished vol 1 at 3-4AM. Now I'm in second half of Vol 2 and I have to tell you that it's really awesome. At beginning I thought that's it's written by some profesional writer.
I really like characters and especially their behavior. They just do what normal person would do (not like in other books, where sometimes I think that some characters are just idiots). The story itself is also very good.
Great job and I waiting for more :) If you will have chance to relase it as book I would gladly buy it :)
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pandahao
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion

Post by pandahao »

Just wanted to say I enjoy this OLN. Well especially so since its a gender bender hah. Keep it up.
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whitespade
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion

Post by whitespade »

this is such a great novel. i admit i lost a few points here and there because i cannot remember names but this failing extend to everything i read if there are more than 5 characters. i also love how intricate everything is, the world is very rich. i skip a lot of description of the war of course since i cannot understand them, however i can feel the general feel of the battle and imagine key points here and there.

i will wait eagerly for any new development, you are fantastic.
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Aorii
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion

Post by Aorii »

(looks like forum stopped sending me alerts; and still login problems... seriously need better IT here)

brief news update: volume 3 is currently still on planning stages; don't worry the lack of updates since end of volume 2 is intended as I deal with some real-life issues and project support (like worldbuilding).


@cud-b-better: No Pascal doesn't really mellow out, not by much anyway xD His arrogance is with good reason~

@Arbrocts: Thanks. I've always felt that in far too many books author writes characters based on how he/she wants them to behave rather than how characters with those personalities/motivations should behave. One of the fundamental aspects of how I write Daybreak is that I use the characters to decide how the story scenes flow, rather than forcing the characters to fit a planned story.
(more info on this here: http://englishlightnovels.com/2015/02/2 ... ith-aorii/ )

@Pandahao: Thanks for your support o/

@Whitespade: Glad your enjoyed it. I've been trying to keep the war's events as easy to grasp as possible, though not always simple due to how deep the military concepts used are. If there are specific points you remember having trouble grasping, I'd be happy to look into fine-tuning them~
Daybreak Project
"You crazy b@stard! I'm gonna treat you like shit until you reveal your true form!!!"
"NO WAY. Over my dead, resurrected and killed again body." -- Kadi, when given a proposal about leaving [Miko-moe] 'as is' in TL.
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Aorii
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion

Post by Aorii »

http://krytykal.org/daybreak-development-diary-1/

A spotlight on volume 3's setting design + discussion of Daybreak's approach to genderbending and its scientific basis
Daybreak Project
"You crazy b@stard! I'm gonna treat you like shit until you reveal your true form!!!"
"NO WAY. Over my dead, resurrected and killed again body." -- Kadi, when given a proposal about leaving [Miko-moe] 'as is' in TL.
Kah
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Re: OLN: Daybreak on Hyperion

Post by Kah »

Totally late to the party, but Daybreak really is amazing and easily matches up to the best LNs I've been reading so far. :D
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