Volume 01, Chapter 8

onizuka-gto · Post by **onizuka-gto** » Thu Jul 05, 2007 8:00 am

Hmmm....recieved se-chans proofread script.

just gone half-way through it, will be done proofing soon

Dan · Post by **Dan** » Thu Jul 05, 2007 4:42 pm

O____O You're holding out on us?! >:O

onizuka-gto · Post by **onizuka-gto** » Thu Jul 05, 2007 7:17 pm

meh.

you can still read the script, nothing is stopping you.

perhaps if you lend a hand i won't have to take so long...

After proofreading, i have to grab the latest copy of the wiki, compare and apply se-chan edits, then mine that are applicable.

takes time, and i'm busy....

Dan · Post by **Dan** » Fri Jul 06, 2007 4:55 am

Where is the script?

onizuka-gto · Post by **onizuka-gto** » Fri Jul 06, 2007 5:22 am

chapter 8?

Dan · Post by **Dan** » Fri Jul 06, 2007 6:07 am

You say volume two...but I only see volume one chapter eight.

onizuka-gto · Post by **onizuka-gto** » Fri Jul 06, 2007 7:17 am

....okay i think i'm confused.

i meant volume 01, chapter 08.

Post by **HolyCow** » Fri Jul 06, 2007 5:47 pm

/me whacks Oni with a Taiyaki

Beware the talking cat · Fri Jul 06, 2007 7:29 pm

Does anyone know if packaged Taiyaki is any good? I saw some at a store in town and am rather curious.

Post by **HolyCow** » Sat Jul 07, 2007 1:27 am

Not sure about Taiyaki, but packaged Onigiri isn't too bad, especially this one:

Se-chan · Post by **Se-chan** » Sat Jul 14, 2007 7:17 am

Whew... this is something amusing to see...

Anyways, yes, I already edited it a while ago, so....

And yes, packed onigiri isn't that good. taiyaki, too...

onizuka-gto · Post by **onizuka-gto** » Sat Jul 14, 2007 11:02 pm

i'm editing this right now...

but its so hot here....it took alot of effort to get up, and go to the pc room, fire up the air-con, and now sit here and pen though a hardcopy of the script with a red pen.... (-_-);

i hate this bloody weather, looking outside, its so bright with sunshine i can feel the radiant heat reflected from the concrete

and the humidity outside, is like stepping into a slushy thick invisible fog.

haruhi dammit...

onizuka-gto · Post by **onizuka-gto** » Sun Jul 15, 2007 7:57 am

finally! got the edits in.

bring on vol.2!!!!

Vaelis · Post by **Vaelis** » Wed Jan 16, 2008 5:22 am

“Even if the guards are around, they’re useless! They’re only peasants!

It's not peasants but commoners

“But… but I just finished paying for my house.”

“But… but I just finished building my house.”

Miss Chevreuse looked upon Old Osman with gratitude and said

Miss Chevreuse was moved and clung to Old Osman

“Miss Françoise!” Miss Chevreuse exclaimed in surprise.

“Miss Valliere!” Miss Chevreuse exclaimed in surprise.

“It’s all right. I’m not a noble anyway.”

“It’s all right. I'm a person who has lost her title of noble.”

The group started discussing, using sticks to draw their battle plan on the ground

The group started discussing, and Tabitha used a branch to draw their battle plan on the ground.

Tabitha replied, “The one with the best reflexes.”

Tabitha replied shortly, “The most nimble.”

There was also a bottle of wine on the table and in one corner of the room there was firewood.

There was also a bottle of wine on the table and in one corner of the room there was firewood. There was a chest next to the firewood. It was a large box in wood.

Saito used his hand to make an “X” sign on top of his head, a sign that means the house is empty.

Saito used his arms to make an “X” sign at the level of his head, a sign that means the house is empty.

“Isn’t this too easy?” Kirche exclaimed.

“It is disappointing!” Kirche exclaimed.

Saito brought the staff closer and examined it closely. “If I’m not wrong this is a …”

Saito brought the staff closer and examined it closely. There is no mistake. It's ...

Saito isn't speaking but thinking.

"Can’t you even console me a little?” Louise protested as Saito carried her and escaped.

Err no it's definitely not that.

Perhaps something like this (I'm not sure):

"Please do it softer !” protested Louise as Saito carried her and escaped.

Post by **Darknemo2000** » Wed Jan 16, 2008 8:38 pm

Miss Chevreuse was moved and clung to Old Osman

No, better the old version still. The clung implies too many things, so its still better the "Miss Chevreuse looked upon Old Osman with gratitude and said".

“It’s all right. I'm a person who has lost her title of noble.”

No, once again the previous version suit it better. You have to look at the flow of the dialogue, your suggested doesn't fit there all that well, so the old version is still better.

“It is disappointing!” Kirche exclaimed.

“Isn’t this too easy?” Kirche exclaimed. - is still better.

"Please do it softer !” protested Louise as Saito carried her and escaped.

Maybe - "Can't you be a bit more gentle?" Louise protested as Saito carried her and escaped.

I dont know as well about it, but the old version is a little bit of with that "console" stuff for sure. But adding "Please" in Louises sentence while she is talking with Saito doesnt fit too well either. Unless it would be "Do it softer please !" since that way the focus would go to the command rather than pleading, and the word "Please" would get more demanding tone to it which would suit Louise better.

Other than this I do agree with all those other changes you made, Vaelis.