The Joke of the Day 2: The Laughing Man

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Dohma
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Re: The Joke of the Day 2: The Laughing Man

Post by Dohma »

Here's one:
A man sees a hot chick in crowded bar, so he steps up to her and asks,
"Can I offer you something to drink?"
The woman looks at him and yells out loud, allowing the entire bar to hear:
"What!? You want to do it up my butt!?"
The entire bar roars out in laughter and the man gets red-faced with embarrassment and retreats to the back. A few moments later the woman walks up to him and says,
"I'm sorry. I'm a psychology student and I just wanted to see how you'd react. But I'd like to take you up on that offer."
Upon which the man yells out loud:
"What!? Only ten bucks!?"
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Re: The Joke of the Day 2: The Laughing Man

Post by ainsoph9 »

Lillian and Esty, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building – a quiet, nice-looking gentleman who keeps to himself.

Esty says, "Lilly, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks lonely."

Lillian agrees, and later that day, at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you look so lonely."

"Of course I'm lonely. I spent the last 25 years in prison."

"You're kidding! What for?"

"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."

"What happened to your second wife?"

"I shot her."

"And if I'm not being too nosy, your first wife?"

"We had a fight, and well, she fell off a building."

"Oh my," says Lillian. Then, turning to her friend on the other side of the pool she yells, "Yoohoo, Esty, he's single!"
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Re: The Joke of the Day 2: The Laughing Man

Post by Rohan123 »

Why do I feel that Lillian isn't too fond of Esty? :P
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Re: The Joke of the Day 2: The Laughing Man

Post by ainsoph9 »

A guy is driving around suburban Washington, D.C., and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"So, you talk?" he asks.

"Yap," the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?" asks the man.

The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young and I wanted to help out. So I told the FBI about my gift, and in no time at all they had me working flat strap, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders and suspected terrorists, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable agents for eight years running. But it was exhausting work and really tired me out. I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a less stressful job at John F. Kennedy International airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible stuff and was awarded a batch of medals. During that time I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired. And pretty much, that's it."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars." The guy says.

"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never worked for the FBI!"
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Re: The Joke of the Day 2: The Laughing Man

Post by Meinos Kaen »

Hmmm, here's the first one that comes to my head.
A burglar decides that it's a good night for a B&E. He choose a quiet villa, with an empty parking lot. He cracks open the door, and sneaks inside.

All of a sudden, a shrill voice echoes in the foyer. "God is watching you!" The burglar is startled. He looks around for the source of the voice. He finds nothing. "God is watching you!" Again, he's startled, but this time he manages to get the direction the voice is coming from. "God is watching you!" He follows the voice, and he finds... A parrot.

The burglar laughs out loud. "You shitty bird. You almost gave me a heart attack." Grinning with bravado, he waltzes up to the avian. "What's your name anyway, you stupid chicken?"

"Morris."

"Morris?!" The burglar laughs louder. "What kind of idiot names a parrot Morris?!"

"The same idiot who picked God for the doberman."
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Re: The Joke of the Day 2: The Laughing Man

Post by Rage_Ender »

I see, he named his dog god?

g-o-d = d-o-g

:lol:
dun dun dun..>!!!!!!<
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Re: The Joke of the Day 2: The Laughing Man

Post by ainsoph9 »

A man and his wife, who is hard of hearing, are driving to the Rockies when they are stopped by a State Trooper and the following exchange ensues.

State Trooper, "Did you know you were speeding?"

Wife, "What?"

Husband, "He asks if knew I was speeding!"

State Trooper, "Let me see your driver's license."

Wife, "What?"

Husband, "He wants to see my driver's license!"

The State Trooper looks at the address and says, "So... you're from Nebraska? I once met THE MOST AWFUL WOMAN there."

Wife, "What?"

Husband, "He says he knows you!"
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Re: The Joke of the Day 2: The Laughing Man

Post by onizuka-gto »

A programmer had been missing from work for over a week when finally someone noticed and called the cops.
They went around to his flat and broke the door down.
They found him dead in the still running shower with an empty bottle of shampoo next to his body. Apparently he'd been washing his hair.

The instructions on the bottle said:

Wet hair
Apply shampoo
Lather
Rinse
Repeat
lol. :lol:
"Please note, we have added a consequence for failure.Any contact with the chamber floor will result in an unsatisfactory mark on your official test record, followed by death. Good luck."

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Re: The Joke of the Day 2: The Laughing Man

Post by Rohan123 »

The shampoo manufacturers should take more care of their demographic employed in the IT industry! :o
They should probably specify how many times to repeat it :P
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Re: The Joke of the Day 2: The Laughing Man

Post by ainsoph9 »

Old Max had started out as a diamond cutter, and through hard work and good judgment he finally became the owner of a national chain of jewelry stores. He was wealthy indeed.

But now, he lay dying, so he called his wife to his side. “Hannah,” he began, “I always meant to draw up a will but somehow I never got around to it. So pay close to attention to my last wishes.”

“Yes, Max, I am listening,” Hannah wept. “Whatever you want, it will be done.”

“First of all, the business, I leave to Harry.”

“Oh, no, Max, not to Harry!” his wife protested. “Harry’s got a gambling problem. The business will never survive! Leave the business to Moses. He’s at least reliable and has a good head for figures.”

“Alright, let it be Moses,” sighed the dying man. “To Harry I leave the stocks and bonds.”

“Better you should leave me the stocks and bonds. I should take care he doesn’t squander it on cards.”

“Very well, in your name I leave the securities. And the summer house I leave to our sweet Sarah.”

“Sarah!” exclaimed his wife. “What for what does Sarah need another summer house? Her husband didn’t buy her one last year? Give it to Sue – her husband is a poor man. After all she’s our flesh and blood too.”

“Fine! Sue gets the summer house,” he sighed resignedly. “And to our youngest Abe, I leave the car and the warehouses.”

“But Abe has already 2 cars. What does he need with another one? And he wants to be a musician – what would he do with warehouses? Take my advice and give them to Sammy.”

That did it! Old Max had taken all he could of his wife’s interference. Raising himself off the pillow and summoning his last ounce of strength, he snapped, “Hannah, you are a good woman and have been a fine wife and mother. But listen – who the hell is dying around here – you or me?”
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Re: The Joke of the Day 2: The Laughing Man

Post by Lery »

A poet, a priest, and a mathematician are discussing whether it's better to have a wife or a mistress.

The poet argues that it's better to have a mistress because love should be free and spontaneous.

The priest argues that it's better to have a wife because love should be sanctified by God.

The mathematician says, "I think it's better to have both. That way, when each of them thinks you're with the other, you can do some mathematics."
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Re: The Joke of the Day 2: The Laughing Man

Post by AsterL »



What cannot be said at a singing audtion:

That was a beautiful song...until you bloody sang it!
Look at the sunset glow
Now wait for tomorrow
From the arms of sacrifice
Do we snatch freedom.
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