The Joke of the Day 2: The Laughing Man

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b0mb3r
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Joke of the Day!

Post by b0mb3r »

I thought since "Quote of the Day!" was doing so well I thought we might as well have a joke version of it too. I'll start:

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy. "What did you watch?" asked Marsha. "The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy. The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair. Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
.
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Re: Joke of the Day!

Post by chrnno »

Good one. :lol:

A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop."
The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars."
The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup.
The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars."
The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.
The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet."
The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."
Can I say something about destiny? Screw destiny! If this evil thing comes we'll fight it, and we'll keep fighting it until we whoop it. 'Cause destiny is just another word for inevitable and nothing's inevitable as long as you stand up, look it in the eye, and say 'You're evitable!'
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Re: Joke of the Day!

Post by ainsoph9 »

This one has a little language to it, but it is one of the funnier, if not one of the funniest jokes I have read. It is a little long though...
Spoiler! :
In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone:
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still laying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and heard his voice. "Hello?"
I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our new caller ID program." He answered, "No!" and slammed down the receiver. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"
The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show you how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 555-1212.
(Keep reading, it gets better.)
One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here first!"
The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) Then I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone. I asked, "Are you the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car is parked right out front."
I asked, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Sure."
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialer. Now I had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this wasn't as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No!"
He said, "What's your name, pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said, "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro is parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" And I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"
And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!
I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it off the evening news!
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Re: Joke of the Day!

Post by Beware the talking cat »

A biologist, a statistician, and a mathematician are all sitting at a small cafe.
As they are chatting, across the road, two people walk into a small house, and a few minutes later, they walk out again, joined by a third.
The biologist comments, "Two people walked into the house, and three walked out. They must have reproduced."
The statistician replies, "No, no. Two people walked into the house, and three walked out. It must have been a sampling error, and three people originally walked in."
After the two debate for a while, they finally decide to ask the mathematician what he thinks had happened.
The mathematician gives them both a quizzical look and says, "Two people walked into the house, and three walked out. If one more person enters, the house will be empty."
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Re: Joke of the Day!

Post by b0mb3r »

Beware the talking cat wrote:A biologist, a statistician, and a mathematician are all sitting at a small cafe.
As they are chatting, across the road, two people walk into a small house, and a few minutes later, they walk out again, joined by a third.
The biologist comments, "Two people walked into the house, and three walked out. They must have reproduced."
The statistician replies, "No, no. Two people walked into the house, and three walked out. It must have been a sampling error, and three people originally walked in."
After the two debate for a while, they finally decide to ask the mathematician what he thinks had happened.
The mathematician gives them both a quizzical look and says, "Two people walked into the house, and three walked out. If one more person enters, the house will be empty."
excuse my baka-ness but what?
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Re: Joke of the Day!

Post by Teh_ping »

b0mb3r wrote:
Beware the talking cat wrote:A biologist, a statistician, and a mathematician are all sitting at a small cafe.
As they are chatting, across the road, two people walk into a small house, and a few minutes later, they walk out again, joined by a third.
The biologist comments, "Two people walked into the house, and three walked out. They must have reproduced."
The statistician replies, "No, no. Two people walked into the house, and three walked out. It must have been a sampling error, and three people originally walked in."
After the two debate for a while, they finally decide to ask the mathematician what he thinks had happened.
The mathematician gives them both a quizzical look and says, "Two people walked into the house, and three walked out. If one more person enters, the house will be empty."
excuse my baka-ness but what?
It's exactly as it is. Assuming nobody's in the house, two people walk in.

That will be 0+2=2 people inside the house.

After that, 3 people left the house (with 2 of the people who went in going out).

That will be 2-3=-1 people left in the house. (Impossible, but that's the mathematician's idea.)

After that, the mathematician says that if one person goes into the house, there won't be anyone inside.

The 'logic' is that (-1)+1=0.



A: I heard you got a flat tyre yesterday.
B: That's right.
A: How did you get it?
B: There was a fork on the road.

C: The trouble's with your battery, ma'am. It's flat.
D: Oh dear! What shape should it be?

Joe: Hey John, how do you make your way to London?
John: How do you know my name is John?
Joe: Erm, I guessed.
John: Well, then you can guess your way to London then!

Man: How did your father know that we went driving in his car yesterday?
Woman: You remember that fat, beer-bellied, bald-headed man that we ran over yesterday?
Man: Yes.
Woman: That was dad.

Q: What do you get when you bury a gangster in concrete?
A: A hardened criminal.

Interviewer: Young man, we're very particular about cleanliness and truthfulness here. Did you wipe your feet on the mat when you came in just now?
Job applicant: Er, yes Sir.
Interviewer: There is no mat.
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Re: Joke of the Day!

Post by chrnno »

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”
Can I say something about destiny? Screw destiny! If this evil thing comes we'll fight it, and we'll keep fighting it until we whoop it. 'Cause destiny is just another word for inevitable and nothing's inevitable as long as you stand up, look it in the eye, and say 'You're evitable!'
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Re: Joke of the Day!

Post by b0mb3r »

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director how do
You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
Teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said. 'A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?'
.
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Re: Joke of the Day!

Post by chrnno »

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Can I say something about destiny? Screw destiny! If this evil thing comes we'll fight it, and we'll keep fighting it until we whoop it. 'Cause destiny is just another word for inevitable and nothing's inevitable as long as you stand up, look it in the eye, and say 'You're evitable!'
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Re: Joke of the Day!

Post by ainsoph9 »

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call.
The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."
As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."
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Re: Joke of the Day!

Post by chrnno »

Wow, I have heard a pretty similar joke in portuguese. The jobs and gifts are different but it fits perfectly.


When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.
Can I say something about destiny? Screw destiny! If this evil thing comes we'll fight it, and we'll keep fighting it until we whoop it. 'Cause destiny is just another word for inevitable and nothing's inevitable as long as you stand up, look it in the eye, and say 'You're evitable!'
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Re: Joke of the Day!

Post by ainsoph9 »

For the religious types here, this is an adaptation of a joke:

A man was once stranded all alone on deserted island for years on end. One day he sees a ship passing by the island. So, he makes a fire and sends smoke signals. The ship sees it and sends a life raft to pick the man up. The captain of the ship is on the life raft and speaks to the man upon picking him up.

"So how long have you been here?"

"20 years."

"Wow. That is a long time. You alone?"

"Yep."

The captain sees a building on the island, get curious, and asks, "What is that building over there?"

The man replies, "It is a church."

"A church?" The captain sees another building.

"How about that building over?"

"A church."

"A church? You are one man all alone on an island, and there are two churches. What for?"

"That is the church that I do not go to."
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Re: Joke of the Day!

Post by b0mb3r »

^ So he build a church to avoid another church?
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Re: Joke of the Day!

Post by ainsoph9 »

More or less, yes. The joke is meant to be a commentary on how people typically go to their place of worship as if the choice of places is a smorgasbord, where they can pick and choose what they like from each place. It also pokes at how people define themselves and their beliefs by the negative other. For example, "Our church is not like all of those other places you have been. We do not sing or dance like them nor do we blah, blah, blah..." This kind of attitude is very typical at least of mid-western behavior in the United States and is problematic as some have pointed out because nobody has a sense of community or corporate responsibility, or so they say. Anyhow, next joke.

How many sopranos does is take to screw in a light bulb?
Spoiler! :
One. She holds the light bulb and the world revolves around her.
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Re: Joke of the Day!

Post by Teh_ping »

ainsoph9 wrote:For the religious types here, this is an adaptation of a joke:

A man was once stranded all alone on deserted island for years on end. One day he sees a ship passing by the island. So, he makes a fire and sends smoke signals. The ship sees it and sends a life raft to pick the man up. The captain of the ship is on the life raft and speaks to the man upon picking him up.

"So how long have you been here?"

"20 years."

"Wow. That is a long time. You alone?"

"Yep."

The captain sees a building on the island, get curious, and asks, "What is that building over there?"

The man replies, "It is a church."

"A church?" The captain sees another building.

"How about that building over?"

"A church."

"A church? You are one man all alone on an island, and there are two churches. What for?"

"That is the church that I do not go to."
Well, I kind of understand that idea, since a lot of people in my Church just come and go whenever they like.

Anyway, next joke.

Scenario: A boy and his father went hiking. Now the boy looks extremely worried as he came back home.

Boy: Mommy! Mommy! I pushed a man down a cliff by accident!!
Mom: Oh no! That's terrible! What did daddy say?
Boy: "HHEEEEELLLLLLPPPPPP!!!"

Why did the man eat some candles?
Because he only wanted a light snack.

Why are ghosts such terrible liars?
Because you can see through them.
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