The Joke of the Day 2: The Laughing Man

[ainsoph9]

Sharon Lipshitz, a middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees the Angel of Death and asks if this is it. The Angel of Death says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.

Upon her recovery Sharon decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction –the works. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is immediately killed by an ambulance speeding by. She arrives in heaven and sees the Angel of Death and complains, "I thought you said I had another 30 years." The Angel of Death replies, "I didn't recognize you"

[ainsoph9]

Ira was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. Ira opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?"

He said, "No." Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. Ira said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed . Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said, "I thought you said you shot them!"

Ira said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[wildk]

A wife just came out of the shower and it was the husband's turn to use it when suddenly the doorbell rang.

After a few flustered seconds, the wife opened the door with only a towel wrapped around her. At the door was Steve, their neighbour.

Before the wife could say anything, Steve said "If you take off your towel, I'll give you a thousand dollars."

After thinking over it a while, she took it off and stood naked in front of Steve. A few seconds later, Steve gave her the money and left.

The wife, feeling excited by the unexpected gain in cash, took the towel and went back upstairs.

As she reached the bathroom, the husband asked

"Who was it?"

"It was Steve", she replied.

"Oh good." He commented. "Then did he pay me back the thousand dollars he owes me?"

[ainsoph9]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

[ainsoph9]

A poor man managed to get an appointment with a wealthy philanthropist by insisting that he had a foolproof way for the man to make 5 million dollars.

"So let me hear your great idea," said the philanthropist.

"It's very simple," replied the pauper. "I understand that when your daughter gets married you're planning on giving her a dowry of 10 million dollars."

"What?," said the philanthropist.

"So, I've come to tell you that I'm willing marry her for half the amount!"

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benyamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

"Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," said the golfer.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I’ve ever played, by far. I must've been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, and my putting was absolutely perfect.With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"And there's bad news?", the Pope asked.

"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."

Ever since the firm he worked for went bankrupt, Benny has been looking for a job. Many months pass without success but then, one day, Benny rushes back home to his wife Hannah with a big smile on his face.

"Darling," he says to her, "I've at last found a job."

"Congratulations," says Hannah. "So what's the job like?"

"It's a four days a week job," replies Benny, "and includes 7 weeks paid holiday each year. Overtime is at double-rate, and the job comes with a small company car."

At first, Hannah can't help smiling at this news, but then she gets serious and says to him, "That's sounds great, darling, but what's the catch? There must be a catch somewhere."

"No, there's no catch," replies Benny. "You start tomorrow."

Ben goes to see his doctor because he wasn't feeling too well. After examining him, the doctor takes some samples from Ben and asks him to come back the following week for the results.

When Ben returns, his doctor tells him, "Well, I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?"

Ben replies, "Let me know the good news first."

"Okay," says the doctor, "they're going to name the disease after you."

[ainsoph9]

Bad joke I just thought of:

What happens when a pro wrestler graduates from law school?

Spoiler! :

He gets his holds barred.

[ainsoph9]

Mr. & Mrs. Smith had two sons. They were brothers, of course. One brother was called MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS and the other brother was called TROUBLE.

One day, the two brothers were playing hide and seek in the street and it was TROUBLE’s turn to hide. While MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS was counting to 100, TROUBLE ran down the street and hid inside a thick hedge.

Then MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS started looking for his brother. He looked behind some trees, he looked inside some cars parked in the street and he even looked under the cars, but he couldn’t find his brother. But when MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS started to look inside garbage bins, a policeman saw him doing this and came over to have a word with him.

The policeman said, “And what, may I ask, are you doing little boy?”

And the boy replied, “Playing a game.”

The policeman then asked, “What’s your name?”

And the boy replied, “MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.”

The Policeman got angry and said loudly, “Are you looking for trouble?”

And the boy replied, “Yes.”

With that the Policeman put the boy in his police car and said, “Time to have a talk with your parents.”

[Teh_ping]

Time to necro this thread. Taken from Facebook:

“From now on, we’ll start with the interrogation of the heretic Hitagi Tsundere.”

About 5 minutes after that, I was arrested by the FFF.

I was forcefully taken away from the puzzled Eu-san, and my limbs were all tied up as I was mercilessly pushed onto the hard tatami of class 2-F’s floor.

“Hitagi Tsundere, do you have any last words?”

“I only met Eu-san on the way to school! It’s not like I’m completely innocent…but I earnest request to have my punishment reduced!!”

“…”

After hearing my explanation, the leader of the FFF seemed to ponder for a while. Even if the FFF would severely deal with any guy who interacts with girls, if I only met her coincidentally on my way to school, wouldn’t that be too heavy of a punishment? If they’re always jealous about this, it would never end! Don’t tell me that they were blinded by jealously because of such a trivial thing? I think they’ll send 5 members to pinch my arms with the thumb and middle fingers—

“—Then, 10 members shall deal flying kicks to Hitagi Tsundere.”

Seems like their jealousy’s more than what I could imagine!

“Wa, wait! Isn’t this punishment too heavy!? If you want to punish me, what will happen if something similar happens to you?”

“Uu…”

The leader went silent again. He should be considering the possibility that ‘the same thing may happen to them’.

“Leader, I don’t think what the accused said is unreasonable.”

“We’re not merciless devils. For this level of action, I think we can just close an eye and forgive him.”

“Maybe one day, this lucky event of getting to walk to school with girls will happen to us too.”

“Also, I’ll be punished everyday if I’m being punished for ogling someone.”

The members rallied around me. It seemed that the ‘this thing may happen to you’ statement had some effect.

“In that case, we’ll specially reduce the punishment such that it’ll be a flick on the forehead by the leader.”

Just when I heaved a huge sigh of relief because of such a large reduction in punishment—

“Please wait a moment!”

Eu-san shouted as she rushed into the classroom. Hm? What’s going on? Did Eu-san run over because she was worried about me?

“Tsundere-kun didn’t do anything wrong! I—”

Eu-san blushed as she desperately tried to explain to everyone.

“—I forced him to come to school with me today!”

“20 members shall now carry out German Suplexes.”

“““NO OBJECTIONS!!!”””

What’s going on? What Eu-san said changed my punishment from a flick on the forehead to German Suplexes, and the number went from 1 to 20! Such a drastic change is really hard to react to!

“Hi, Eu-san, I’m grateful that you spoke up for me, but what you just said would only create an opposite effect…”

“But, it’s my selfish intention to adjust Tsundere-kun’s collar and let our hands touch each other! This has nothing to do with Tsundere-kun, it’s not Tsundere-kun’s fault at all…”

“FLIP THE TATAMI! SMASH HIS HEAD DIRECTLY ONTO THE FLOOR!”

“YES! THE WORK’S DONE HERE!”

“WE CAN ADD SOME NAILS TO ADD TO THE EFFECT!”

“I GOT SOME IRON STAKES READY!”

Damn it! These guys are already thinking about burying this immobilized me now! If I don’t hurry up and explain…that’s right! I just need to make them feel like this is nothing! I just need to explain to them that it’s something trivial in our everyday lives—

“Everyone, calm down! If you’re punishing me because of this, what about Hobogunner? Don’t you often see him coming to school with loli-san?”

“In that case, we shall punish Hobololicon Hobogunner as well.”

Sorry Hobogunner, it seemed that my words caused you to be punished too.

I was sending my apologies in my mind to that bad friend of mine with the wild presence as I clapped my hands together. At this moment, CRAK, the entrance door to the classroom was slid aside.

“Good morning~fuuwaa…I really feel like sleeping…”

Ahh, Hobogunner, why did you have to turn up just at this moment?

“Hm? Tsundere? What’s up? You got captured by the FFF again? It’s been tough on you in the morning—OI, WHY ARE YOU GUYS SNEAKING BEHIND ME AND TWISTING MY ARMS!!?”

Hobogunner, who looked sleepy as he came to school, was immediately grabbed on the waist from the back by the FFF members with their strong arms.

“Eu-san, can you please turn over and look at me?”

“Eh? Ah, okay.”

I tried to gather Eu-san’s gaze and concentration onto me.

From the corner of the classroom, Hobogunner’s body flew in a beautiful arc in mid-air, and at the same time, ‘THOMP’, ‘THOMP’, ‘THOMP’, blunt sounds could be heard. That would be three times already…

“Good morning—WHAT IN THE WORLD? HOBOGUNNER’S BLOODIED FACE’S SLAMMED ONTO THE GROUND!!”

17 times already?

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? HURRY UP AND GET BACK TO YOUR SEATS!!”

As the heavy sound echoed for the 18th time, Ironman’s arrival finally calmed down this commotion. Ah, that was dangerous. Once Hobogunner’s head takes another 2 hits, the next one would be me…

[ainsoph9]

Okay. I finally found one worthy of the forum here.

Hannah and her husband Jack are having one of their regular arguments. But this time, the shouting gets louder and louder until Hannah just can't take it anymore. She pushes Jack away and screams at him, "That's it. Go! Get out of this house right now. I can't stand the sight of you anymore."

The truth is that Jack was quite happy to obey. He starts to walk towards the front door. But as he does Hannah shouts at him an insult that one day she would no doubt regret, "I hope you experience a long, slow and excruciatingly painful death."

Jack stops in his tracks, turns around, looks at Hannah and says, "Hey, make up your mind already. So now you want me to stay?"

[Windwalker]

If you guys are bored and willing to read the "Longest Joke in the World," you can find it here: http://www.wattpad.com/2011761-the-long ... -the-world

It's about a man in the desert, although I don't want to actually post it because it's reaaaallly long.

[Silimir]

How can a joke still be funny if it's too long? We can't tell it to anybody, simply read it!

[loliDragon]

How can a joke still be funny if it's too long? We can't tell it to anybody, simply read it!

It is 15 pages long...... all interest died after page 2




The scientist and his research staff were interacting with the recently landed aliens to gain information about their lifestyle when the question of reproduction came up. Finding it difficult to understand the oral description, the head researcher said "Why not just demonstrate for us?" The male alien then proceeded to intertwine his antennae with those of the female alien and after about 30 seconds of flying sparks a large sack begins to form on the female's back and two minutes later the sack breaks open and out pops a miniature alien. "That is how we reporduce. How is it done here on earth?", asked the aliens. The head scientist looks at his attractive female assistant and says "In the interest of scientific interchange I think we should demonstrate, don't you?" The sex-starved assistant is more than willing and after the climax of 30 minutes of heated passion the research scientist pants "There, that (pant) is how we do it (pant) on earth." "But where is the offspring?" asks the alien. "Oh, the gestation period is about 270 earth days", answers the scientist. "What!" exclaims the alien. "If you have to wait 270 earth days, then why were you in such a hurry at the end?"

[Lery]

How does an algebraist put an elephant into a fridge ?
Easily : he shows that its parts can be put into the refrigerator. Then show that the refrigerator is closed under addition.

PS : I've got a bunch like that...

[Silimir]

Nice mathematical one !

[Lery]

How about the geometer ?
Well, is easier, since all what he has to do is creating an axiomatic system in which "an elephant can be placed in a refrigerator" is an axiom.