The Joke of the Day 2: The Laughing Man

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ainsoph9
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Re: The Joke of the Day 2: The Laughing Man

Post by ainsoph9 »

Here is a modified version of a joke:
The Americans are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports. They have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

They see this as a win-win for everyone and there would be none of this junk about racial profiling. This method would also eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift.

Case Closed!

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement comes over the PA system...

"Attention standby passengers - we now have a seat available on Southwest flight number 386.
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Re: The Joke of the Day 2: The Laughing Man

Post by cboy123 »

ainsoph9 wrote:Here is a modified version of a joke:
The Americans are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports. They have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

They see this as a win-win for everyone and there would be none of this junk about racial profiling. This method would also eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift.

Case Closed!

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement comes over the PA system...

"Attention standby passengers - we now have a seat available on Southwest flight number 386.
This is the most stupidest thing I would try.....

Men, Out of Jokes today
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I maybe stupid... But A BRILLIANT PERSON CANNOT OUTDUMB the stupid
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Re: The Joke of the Day 2: The Laughing Man

Post by ainsoph9 »

To blow up an airport/airplane? Yes. For security purposes, A+.
Albert Einstein is giving a very important lecture to the scientific community on his ground-breaking theories on Quantum and Relativity with his wife watching along in the front row. At the end of his spectacular talk, his audience gives him a well deserved standing ovation.

Albert Einstein then leaves the podium and makes his way back to his study. As he does this, one of his fellow professors notices that instead of looking very content, Einstein appears very gloomy. So he follows Einstein to his study and says to him, "What a fantastic, brilliant speech, Albert. I have never heard anything finer. But why are you looking so down? What possible reason can you have for looking so unhappy?"

"Thank you my friend for thinking of me," replies Albert Einstein. "But the reason why I am sad is that I’m having some trouble at home. I just can’t help feeling that my wife doesn't understand me."
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Re: The Joke of the Day 2: The Laughing Man

Post by Rajikai »

A man was driving when all of a sudden, he sees red. In despair, he slams his breaks as a car speeds past him. Relieved he din't get into a car accident, he calls up a friend. Telling his friend the story, the friend starts telling him he should be more careful. However the conversation begins to drag on, and a line of traffic begins to form behind him. The man starts becoming upset. It's still red, and the perpendicular traffic continues to fly past him. He tells his friend that it isn't going green, and he's been waiting here for over an hour. The friend asks him, is it blinking? The man replies no. The man tells him it might be broken, because it won't go green.

All of a sudden a knocking occurs on the window. He looks out, and sees a man. Rolling down his window, the man outside asks, "Is there something wrong?"
The man replies, "Yea. It won't go green."
The man outside looks over the car, and back in the car. He frowns and replies. "Of course it won't go green. It's a stop sign."
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Re: The Joke of the Day 2: The Laughing Man

Post by ainsoph9 »

Henry and Izzie have breakfast together every morning at the local bagel shop.

“You won’t believe what happened to me last night,” says Henry.

“I was so depressed thinking about the state of America, the stock market, the jobs, the government debt, the Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds.”

“What’s so hard to believe? You and the rest of America,” says Izzie.

“Well I was so upset that I called a Suicide Hotline but for some reason I was connected to a call center in Pakistan.”

“That is strange.”

“Wait it gets worse. When I told them I was suicidal they got excited and asked if I could drive a truck..."
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Re: The Joke of the Day 2: The Laughing Man

Post by Rajikai »

Holy... Lol... Where are you getting these?
A man was driving his car, when all of a sudden he receives a text. Grabbing his phone he looks at the text. It was Joe, the guy he was following.

"If you are reading this, I could slam my brakes and sue you"
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Re: The Joke of the Day 2: The Laughing Man

Post by ainsoph9 »

You do not want to know my sources.
An airplane was about to crash, there were 5 famous passengers on board but only 4 parachutes left. The first passenger said, I'm Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me. I can't afford to die... So he took the first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hilary Clinton said, “I am the wife of the former president of the US. I am also the Secretary of State. For the sake of international stability, I need a parachute.” She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, President Barack Obama said "I'm president of the United States of America. Our country needs intelligent solutions, and as a former Harvard Law School professor, I am the only person who can offer those solutions. Americans can't afford for me to die.” So he quickly grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.

The fourth passenger was the Pope and he turned to the fifth passenger, a businessman and said, “I am old and frail so I don't have many years left. As a good Catholic, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute. “

The businessman turned to him and said "Thank you but it's really OK.... there are enough parachutes for both of us. America's most intelligent President has just taken my briefcase."
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Re: The Joke of the Day 2: The Laughing Man

Post by ainsoph9 »

Moe dies and goes to Heaven. When he arrives, he is greeted by one of the angels who says, "Come with me, and I will show you where you will be staying."

Moe and the angel are walking along side of the golden fence of Heaven, and Moe notices millions of clocks on the fence. Out of curiosity Moe asks the angel, "What are all these clocks for?"

The angel smiles, "They are clocks for every person in the world," he says, "And they tick once for each time you lie. There is Abraham Lincoln's clock! It only ticked twice. There is Moses’s clock! It never ticked once."

Again, out of curiosity, Moishe asks, "Where is Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s clock?"

The angel calmly says, "His clock is in Abraham’s office. He is using it as a fan."
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Re: The Joke of the Day 2: The Laughing Man

Post by b0mb3r »

Lol these are great but what happen to the Joke of the Day 1?
.
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baka baka baka
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Re: The Joke of the Day 2: The Laughing Man

Post by ainsoph9 »

It got absorbed by the CDZ.

I am going to say that the double, triple, etc. posting rule is not in effect for here, since jokes need to be told when they are found.
One day, the wise men of Chelm decide to start making their own beer. After months of experimenting with different recipes, they still can't agree on which is the best brew. They deliberate for weeks, and finally they decide on their very best beer and ship it off to Warsaw for certification.

Two weeks later they get a telegram: "Your horse has diabetes."
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Re: The Joke of the Day 2: The Laughing Man

Post by Mystes »

ainsoph9 wrote:It got absorbed by the CDZ.
Ask Darklor to put it back, or Ping, or SZH, or whoever that holds a higher rank.
Kira0802

#campione at rizon for some #campione discussions~~ And other stuffs.
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Re: The Joke of the Day 2: The Laughing Man

Post by ainsoph9 »

A baby camel was asking his mother a bunch of questions.

“Ma, why do we have huge, three toed feet?” asked the baby camel.

“They help us trek across the desert,” answered the mother camel. “The large toes stay on top of the soft sand.”

“Why do we have such long eyelashes?

“To keep the sand out our eyes on our long treks in the desert.”

“Why do we have these giant humps on our backs?”

“They help us store great quantities of water, so we can make long treks through the desert.”

Summing things up the baby camel said, “So we have huge feet to stop us from sinking in the sand, long eyelashes to keep the sand out of our eyes and these humps to store water?”

“That’s right dear.” said the proud mother.

The baby camel thinks for a moment and says, “So why are we living here in the San Diego zoo?
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Re: The Joke of the Day 2: The Laughing Man

Post by Teh_ping »

Kira0802 wrote:
ainsoph9 wrote:It got absorbed by the CDZ.
Ask Darklor to put it back, or Ping, or SZH, or whoever that holds a higher rank.
Merged the threads. Carry on.
"How did your dad know that we went driving in his car yesterday?"

"You remember that fat, bald-headed man we ran over?"

"Yes."

"That was dad."
Random signs:

On a low-slung sports car:

"Help stamp out tall dogs."

On a BMW:

"This car will stop for most brunettes, all blondes, and will back up for redheads."

On the back of a large lorry:

"Please don't hug me--I'm going steady."

Street sign:

"For that run-down feeling, why not try jaywalking?"

On the back of a large articulate lorry:

"This truck has been in twelve collisions and hadn't lost any."

Outside a garage:

"Don't smoke near the pumps. If your life isn't worth anything, petrol is."

Outside a small car factory:

"Don't think big."

Outside a car dump"

"Rust in peace."

Outside a busy town:

"Drive carefully--don't insist on your rites."

Irish road sign next to a river:

"When this sign is underwater, the road is impassable."

Traffic sign:

"Crossroad ahead--better humor it."

Garage sign on the edge of Death Valley:

"Last chance for gas! The next ten gas stations are mirages."
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Re: The Joke of the Day 2: The Laughing Man

Post by ainsoph9 »

Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and a beard, wearing a white robe and holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?"

The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead.

In a loud voice the President said, "Moses!" The man just stared ahead, not acknowledging the President.

Bush pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?" The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.

"Well," said the President, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!"

Again the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.

The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

The man leaned over and whispered back, "Shhhh! Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil."
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Re: The Joke of the Day 2: The Laughing Man

Post by ainsoph9 »

Hershey had always been a healthy man, albeit somewhat rotund. Recently he had contracted a severe stomach bug that prevented him from eating almost everything.

When word got around, his friends asked Hershey's mother whom they all called "Mammy" about his condition.

"Hey, Mammy? Is it true that Hershey has lost a lot of weight?"

In true fashion, Hershey's Mammy, replied, "Well, I don't wanna say he's thin, but when he wears his red necktie, he looks like a thermometer."
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