I tried to Write Something

This forum is for Novel & Manga related discussion

Moderators: Fringe Security Bureau, Senior Editors, Senior Translators, Alt. Language Translator/Editor, Executive Council, Project Translators, Project Editors

Locked
User avatar
cenatu
Kyonist
Posts: 18
Joined: Wed Mar 10, 2010 11:26 am
Favourite Light Novel:

I tried to Write Something

Post by cenatu »

Ano... excuse me, guys, but i tried to write a story, and this is what i am calling the first chapter. please read it and give me some feedback if you want.
Spoiler! :
It was the last day of school when I first talked to Lucy Kusanagi. Lucy was the quietest person in our class. She never talked to anybody. Even if she was called upon to answer a question, she would answer in the least amount of words and as quietly as possible. I had always wanted to talk to her and maybe be her friend, but she was so intimidating. Not that I was that good with girls to begin with. Lucy was taller than most of the boys in our class. She had waist-length straight raven black hair and ebony eyes to match. She really was beautiful.
So anyway, it was the end of the day and I was packing up to go home. I turned to leave and saw Lucy in the doorway watching me.
“Oh, hello,” I said. “How are you?”
“Take this.” She said, and handed me a thick book. I took it warily. Lucy never talks to people, much less gives them books. “Read it tonight.”
“Ummm . . . oookay. Why are you giving me this?” Not that I didn’t just like books, quite the contrary, I loved books. It was just weird getting a book from somebody that you didn’t even know.
“Just read it as soon as you get home,” was all she said, then she left.
I stood at the window and watched her gracefully walk out the school gates. When she was gone, I left for home. Tonight was the full moon. The second one this month, a blue moon. Blue moons were very rare. I intended to watch every minute of it. As I thought of the blue moon tonight, I eventually forgot about my encounter with Lucy. When I got home, I took everything out of my bag and started my homework. A pitch-black cat walked across my papers.
“Hey there, Kuro-sama.”
Welcome home, Kuroudo.
I have this weird ability that lets me understand animals and converse with them. I don’t understand how, but I’ve been able to do it ever since I was a kid. I used to get a lot of weird looks back then, but I’ve learned to keep it under wraps now. Sometimes I forgot and talked with an animal, but I would quickly catch myself and pretend that I couldn’t hear it talk back.
I finished around four-thirty. I then noticed a thick book laying on my floor. And then it hit me. I was supposed to read this book as soon as I got home. I quickly picked it up and a piece of paper fell out. It was a bookmark with a picture of a kitten on it. I flipped it over and saw handwritten words on it. Kuroudo, meet me at Central Park at 5:00.
I stared at it for a moment, then looked at my clock. 4:35. I thought, Why would Lucy want to meet me at the park? Why would she want to meet me at all? I quickly ran out of my apartment and down seven flights of stairs. I grabbed my bike and pedaled furiously all the way to the park. When I got there, I looked at my watch. 4:57. Phew, just in time. I rested a moment to catch my breath and then went to look for Lucy.
Fortunately, it didn’t take me a very long time to find her. She was sitting on a bench close to where I entered the park. I sat next to her.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t stay long. I have plans for tonight.” I said.
“You were going to watch the moon, right?” She asked quietly.

I looked at her sharply. “How did you know that?” I demanded.
“Let’s go. We’ll watch the moon together. I’ll explain everything.”
“Where are we going?”
“My house.” She said quietly.
I nearly fainted then. I had never been to a girl’s house. Nevertheless, I couldn’t let that distract me. I had to know how she knew what I was planning. On the way to her place, which wasn’t far, neither of us talked. It was an awkward silence. I had my bike and was walking it, considering that she didn’t have one with her. See. I’m polite. But it was awkward pushing a bike.
When we finally got to her house, we took off our shoes and went inside. Inside, the walls were covered with old weapons. Mostly swords and bows.
“Do your parents like ancient weaponry?” I asked.
”I have no parents,” she said, “I live alone.”
“Oh . . . sorry.”
“About what?”
“Your parents. Did they die?” I’m a very forward person.
“I never had any parents. That’s one of the things I am going to talk about. Come on, we’ll go up to the balcony. Moonrise is in a few minutes.”
She doesn’t have any parents? What the heck is that supposed to mean?
When we got to the balcony, I heard a voice.
Hello, there. What’s your name?
“Kuroudo. Yours?”
Shiro. So you’re an animal-talker. You’ll fit right in with my master.
I hadn’t realized I was talking with a pure white cat.
“Uwaah!” I quickly looked up at Lucy. She looked at me with curiosity.
“So,” she said with amusement, “you can speak with animals.”
I had never heard her talk with so much emotion before. Usually she talked like a robot, with no emotion. I think she was even actually smiling.
“How can you be so calm about that? Most people would give me a weird look and keep their distance from me. Are you able to do it as well?”
“Ha. I wish I could do that.” She said sadly. “ I really do want to know what they are saying. No, I have a different power.”
“What can you do?” I asked.
“I don’t doubt you’ll see it soon. Look over there.”
I looked out at the horizon. There was a tiny sliver of white light. The moon! Here was the second full moon in a month for over three years.
“There it is,” Lucy said. “The blue moon. Now I can begin explaining.”
Finally, I thought.

“This’ll be a while, so make yourself comfortable. All right, let’s start at the beginning. I was created. No, not created by my parents, but in a lab. You were, too. Wait, don’t interrupt. I need to get all this off my chest. We were created to have superhuman powers. They didn’t really know what we were supposed to be able to do. It was kind of a hit or miss operation. Because I came first, I was named Lucy after that fossilized skeleton they found in Africa. Supposedly the first human or something. You came next. Terrible tests were done to us. We were shot at and healed and shot at again. Dunked in water to see how long we could hold our breath. You get the picture. After a while, we became intelligent enough to escape. During our escape, you hit your head pretty hard and lost your memory. I expect you have no memories before the age of twelve.” Come to think of it, I didn’t. This sounded like a manga or something. And I had wondered where those scars came from.
“Can I speak now?” I asked. Lucy nodded. “All right then. Now, supposing I believe your story, you know my power. What’s yours?”
“That seems a reasonable response, I guess. And yes, I believe there should be a measure of trust between us. All right, I can produce and manipulate electric power. In the beginning, I couldn’t produce it, but I learned to. It seems that our powers come in stages. Any other questions?”
“Yes. Was it just the two of us that escaped from whatever place it was?”
“The place didn’t have a name. It was a top-secret government operation. As for other people, there was another girl with us. Her name was Aya. I don’t know what she could do. When we got out of the place, we got separated. I wish I knew what happened to her.” Lucy sounded very sad. She looked up at the moon. That reminded me of something.
“How did you know that I watch the moon?” I asked her.
“Well, actually I’ve been watching you for quite a while.”She looked embarrassed. “I was making sure you were all right. I’ve been watching you ever since we escaped.”
“Wow. I have my own guardian angel.” I said to myself.
“Well, I don’t know about an angel. Aren’t they supposed to be radiantly beautiful?” She said quietly.
“Well I think you are-“
Just then, the doorbell rang. Lucy looked at me sharply.
“Nobody ever rings the doorbell. Nobody even knows that I live here.” She sounded alarmed.
“I’d get it just to avoid looking suspicious.” I said.
She went downstairs to get the door. I followed alertly. I grabbed a katana off the wall. Just to be safe. As she reached for the doorknob, my heart went into my throat. I held the katana in a defensive position. Lucy opened the door. A girl walked in. Lucy just stared at her in amazement. I stared, too. She was one of the most beautiful girls I’d ever seen. She looked a few years older that Lucy and me. She had shoulder length fiery red hair. She was a little bit shorter than I and had very large breasts. The most striking thing about her, though, was her eyes. Her right eye was as red as blood and her left eye was as green as the grass on a well-kept lawn. I was speechless. Somehow, this girl looked very familiar.
“Do I know you?” I asked.

“What are you talking about, Kuroudo? Hey, Lucy, what’s up with Kuro over there.” She asked airily. “Why are you holding that thing up at me?” She looked at the katana I was holding.
“A . . .Aya?” Lucy said in a small voice. “Aya, is that really you?”
I gasped. This was Aya? Maybe that was why she looked so familiar. Maybe she had somehow stayed in my mind.
“Well of course it’s really me. You know anybody else with these eyes? I see Kuro’s eyes settled. Yellow and green, huh?” My eyes were indeed yellow and green. My right one was green and the left was yellow. That also contributed to some odd stares. “Yours stayed black, huh, Lucy? That’s too bad. With your power, it would be nice if they were electric blue or something like that. Kuro’s are those colors because they are the most common in animals. Mine are red and green because those are the colors of my fire.”
“Fire?” Lucy and I said at the same time.
“Oh. That’s right. You guys never got to see what I can do. Check this out.” She held out both hands palms upward. All of a sudden, in her right hand, a red fire appeared, and in her left hand, green fire appeared. “Neat, huh? Took me forever to be able to do that without burning myself.”
“How do you know what we can do?” I asked. It appeared that Lucy still hadn’t recovered from the shock of a long lost friend walking through her door.
“Ahem . . . well, believe it or not, I’ve been watching you guys go about your own lives ever since the great escape. Its kind of weird, I watched Lucy watch you, Kuro. By the way, Lucy, the way you looked at him every now and then, I’d almost think you were having some very lecherous thoughts.” She said slyly.
Lucy turned red and stuttered something. I also must have turned red, because Aya laughed. She seemed like a very light hearted person.
“Oh, to be a teenager again! So, when I saw tonight that Lucy explained everything to Kuro over there, I came back to complete us. The three musketeers are back together! I couldn’t be happier.” She looked truly happy.
I all of a sudden thought of something. “This is all well and good, but what do we do now? I guess I believe the story, so what do we do now that we are all together?”
They were both silent. I guess neither of them had thought about that. Aya looked up all sharply.
“I saw that neither of you guys had dinner. Lets go on a date. Kuro’s treat. Two beautiful girls and one handsome man.”
“Well, you’re the oldest here, shouldn’t you be buying?” I asked. I thought of the fact that I barely made rent each month.
“Fine. None of us have any money. I get it. And hey, I’m not that much older than you.”
“I have money,” Lucy said. “I’m actually kind of rich. How’d you think I got my own house?”
“How’d you get that much money, Lucy?” Aya asked.
“Well believe it or not, unlike some slackers, I have a job. Actually, a few jobs.”
“Hey, I have a job,” I said in defense. “It’s just not a very high paying one.” Fast food restaurants don’t pay very much. My job just got me by, with food and rent.

“All right then, it’s settled. Lucy’s buying dinner. Here, Kuro, take these.” She handed me a pair of sunglasses.
“Why would I want to wear sunglasses at night?” I was confused.
“It’ll cover up your eyes. Don’t tell me you’ve never thought of that. You’re not really that bright ever since you lost your memory.”
“For your information, I did try sunglasses But you can’t wear sunglasses at school, can you?” I said defensively.
“Hmm . . . I guess not. But if my observations are correct, you just finished school today, right?” She asked slyly.
Apparently she had been watching quite thoroughly. It was kind of weird learning you were being watched by two girls, one older than the other. Thinking that made me think about something else.
“Hey Lucy, didn’t you say you were the first one created? Then how is Aya older than you?” I voiced my suspicions.
“She was the first created. But you don’t think you guys were the first experiments done by the government, do you? A year or two before you guys, I was a little girl. I had no idea what was going on when they brought me in. They stuck me with a lot of needles. I realized later that I was a direct injection experiment. After they failed with me, they moved on to creating people. Actually, I heard that after we all escaped, they went back to direct injections.”
“So you actually have parents? Must be nice.” I said. I never actually regretted not having parents, but sometimes I felt lonely looking at happy families.
“Actually no. I don’t have any parents. Not after they took me. The government killed my parents to keep them from talking.” She looked very sad.
“Jeez. I’m really sorry for bringing that up.” I felt like a shamisen for bringing up bad memories for Aya.
“Hey, What’s done is done. Can’t change the past.” She brightened. She was very beautiful when she smiled like that.
Just then Shiro gracefully walked into the room.
Please tell my master that I am getting very hungry.
“Hey. Lucy. Shiro says he’s hungry.”
“Oh no! Shi-chan, i’m soo sorry that I forgot to feed you I just got caught up in the goings-on.”
Tell her its all right. I’m fat enough as it is. And then come with me. We are going for a walk.
I relayed the message and said that we could all have dinner some other night. Then I walked out the front door following a white cat.
this is my first time writing anything as long as this, so i want to know what you all think about it. thanks.
Image
If you notice this notice, you'll notice this notice is not worth noticing.
User avatar
b0mb3r
Taiga's Sword
Posts: 6051
Joined: Wed Feb 07, 2007 7:54 pm
Favourite Light Novel:

Re: I tried to Write Something

Post by b0mb3r »

I am no writing professional so I can't comment on the grammar too well and the sentences structure. All i can say is reading your sentence has a vague but talking feeling. Is like I am reading a transcript of conversations (wait isn't that it since people are talking?) Is more like when you describe the environment is like someone is talking to me. It doesn't have a novel's form of discussion. Maybe I am wrong here since you are describing the events through the character's eye in first person and use simple English to describe it. For example the park scene is like a deja-vu with haruhi but you never describe the park. You simple said he goes to the park. Also the whole situation is a bit bizarre, there is no build-up. Boy meets Girl A, Girl B just pops up and meet Girl A and Boy. I would be very suspicious of the whole thing with Girl B popping up out of nowhere. Yeah you got the reasons covered but I felt the pace is too fast. That's my main criticism.
Last edited by b0mb3r on Mon Nov 01, 2010 6:53 am, edited 1 time in total.
.
Image

baka baka baka
User avatar
ShadowZeroHeart
Senior Project Translator
Posts: 3480
Joined: Thu Jun 19, 2008 12:23 am
Favourite Light Novel: Ahouka!
Location: Amidst the Shadows
Contact:

Re: I tried to Write Something

Post by ShadowZeroHeart »

No offense, but the flow of the story is quite flawed...
Spoiler! :
One, why would the protagonist wield a katana? Sense of danger? but he was still a normal person moments ago, one would expect just a salesman or something in the area...

Two, if they escaped from the facility or something, shouldnt they have be found by now? especially with such special traits, such as specially colored eyes. To even enroll into school without being found is a big question mark in itself.

Third, as I just mentioned, school. How do they get to school without any parents or identification? Not to forget they have NO MONEY. They were twelve when they escaped, and they somehow managed to find jobs and survive without any help? Talk about WOW! Not to forget they can afford to pay school fees and the luxury for school. Together with all the knowledge to get a house or something.

Forth, why does Aya and Lucy be separated for so long without contact? I mean, they can share their funds and all, rather than Aya stalks Lucy who stalks Kuroudo. Besides, why do they have to avoid each other for so long? They can just meet and reveal the truth?

Fifth, the problem of age... I would assume when they created Lucy and Kuroudo, they were infants? In that case, if Aya can still remember them, she would at least be five years or so older, to actually remember them. Their age is not revealed, but Aya MUST be a few years older than Lucy and Kuroudo at least. Not to forget that she has memories of her parents getting killed, which I would wanna suggest you might just change it to "My parents sold me off, and I haven't heard from them ever since."

Sixth, Aya seems to be portrayed to be cleverer, but seems to me shes just as dumb... She just revealed her ability in front of the house, so won't that actually let people notice? Red and GREEN FLAMES burning at night.

Seven, nearly missed this... But firstly, Lucy affording a house is a big problem. Since she has school. Secondly, she can stalk Kuroudo while she has so many jobs. Thirdly, Aya can stalk Lucy while she has to take care of her own life. To actually stalk to the extent of "I'd almost think you were having some very lecherous thoughts.", doesnt that make them super humans?

Eighth, why would Lucy avoid Kuroudo in school then? And isn't it dumb that "It was the last day of school" and Aya said "you just finished school today", meaning either they graduated, or at least the school year is over, yet Kuroudo's first action after reaching home is "took everything out of my bag and started my HOMEWORK." Why is there homework when school is all over? Who the hell do they hand in their homework to?
Too many details unclear, so far the story isnt anything interesting, too many things require clarification. Description so-so, yet the most important details such as what is their age is not revealed, which can make a big difference. Indications by what kind of school are they graduating from is not shown either, can be primary school, secondary, junior high, university.

Many details could be worked out, and should be, or else the entire story would fall out instantly... Good attempt, just patch the holes before moving on?

Edit: I forgot about this, but its probably the biggest flaw...
Spoiler! :
So basically, when Kuroudo is injured in the head, probably in the risk of dying, since he has suffered an injury so severe he lost his memories, Aya AND Lucy BOTH abandoned him? How else can he not know anything about the both of them for so long? And how did he ever recover? Hospital for a boy without any money or identification? Dream on!! Given such dire situations, the three of them probably wont go to school, reasons being no time and money, second being can they even catch up with the education level? I assume they werent given proper education before their escape.

@b0mb3r: There is indeed such a novel writing style. Such a novel writing style is used in one of my favorite series, Slayers. The story goes on in the viewpoint of Lina Inverse, with her inner thoughts and personal comments all revealed so you can even read on thinking "Hey, I am Lina Inverse." Also, there are points in time where you can see her literally talking to the readers in her mind. Its one possible method. But yes, you are right, the story probably requires more details.
God!!
You need not forgive me.
For those I love,
The violence brought about by sinful men
Shall now be used once more.
If you were created to save this world,
If there is a single shred of hope left for the future of mankind,
I am very sorry, but, please begone!
User avatar
cenatu
Kyonist
Posts: 18
Joined: Wed Mar 10, 2010 11:26 am
Favourite Light Novel:

Re: I tried to Write Something

Post by cenatu »

thanx, guys. believe it or not, you've been a big help. i kinda got the urge to write something, so i started writing without planning. i really feel stupid about kuroudo being finished with school and doing his homework. i shall fix that and everything else. i like to write with alot of voice. and yes, the meeting at the park was inspired by TMOHS. and also, i will try to add some more details.
Arigatou
Image
If you notice this notice, you'll notice this notice is not worth noticing.
User avatar
ShadowZeroHeart
Senior Project Translator
Posts: 3480
Joined: Thu Jun 19, 2008 12:23 am
Favourite Light Novel: Ahouka!
Location: Amidst the Shadows
Contact:

Re: I tried to Write Something

Post by ShadowZeroHeart »

cenatu wrote:thanx, guys. believe it or not, you've been a big help. i kinda got the urge to write something, so i started writing without planning. i really feel stupid about kuroudo being finished with school and doing his homework. i shall fix that and everything else. i like to write with alot of voice. and yes, the meeting at the park was inspired by TMOHS. and also, i will try to add some more details.
Arigatou
Don't worry, just take some time to plan it out, then things would go just fine...

I am just a bit serious of a person, so I hope you are not offended by my comments. If you intend to add lots of comedy inside, pay me no heed.

Anyways, so will you still be continuing the story?
God!!
You need not forgive me.
For those I love,
The violence brought about by sinful men
Shall now be used once more.
If you were created to save this world,
If there is a single shred of hope left for the future of mankind,
I am very sorry, but, please begone!
User avatar
cenatu
Kyonist
Posts: 18
Joined: Wed Mar 10, 2010 11:26 am
Favourite Light Novel:

Re: I tried to Write Something

Post by cenatu »

hmmm... probably, but yall probably wont see it anytime soon. i got the idea to write that like a year ago
Image
If you notice this notice, you'll notice this notice is not worth noticing.
Locked

Return to “Manga & Novel”