the pipes , a novel by me ^.^

[Chrisel'thor]

http://thepipesmaze.blogspot.com/

greetings, my name is christophe swinnen while sitting in class a while ago i got inspired by the idea of "what if people build so manny roads we dont know what road leads where anymore" :]

the novel will be about this pritty much and i hope u guys will enjoy it , i just posted the prologue please post possible improvements and spelling mistakes i could make/change XD

[ShadowZeroHeart]

http://thepipesmaze.blogspot.com/

greetings, my name is christophe swinnen while sitting in class a while ago i got inspired by the idea of "what if people build so manny roads we dont know what road leads where anymore" :]

the novel will be about this pritty much and i hope u guys will enjoy it , i just posted the prologue please post possible improvements and spelling mistakes i could make/change XD

A lot of spelling issues, and i especially encourage the use of the proper words, rather than short forms. Examples such as "You" and "u". "been" instead of "bin".

I assume you are writing this based off games such as Etrain Odessey and such? Where you do explorations and do quests and all? Such stories are usually considered fantasies, whereas your description of "what if people build so many roads we don't know what roads leads where anymore." is more of realistic. So I suggest you change your description to something that suits it better? One reason being that there is no reason why people would hold back on information that would let you live, unless they wanted you to die that is. This would mean the information that the "log" provides its users. Sharing of information would increase one's chances of survival, so having only information of "cities you have been to and the way there" means newbies are basic fodder unless they are lucky enough to survive. So I suggest you settle whether this is a fantasy or a realistic story to begin with.

You used the following:

the second big advantage is the title u get , u stand above the law and order of any place , unless u breach the guild laws ,u never steal kill nor do u try to blackmail or scam other people out of their data or other belongings , a piperunner is suposed to be a role model for others and u will not defile its name , these rules go in all city's but once u hit the pipes its a each man for itself and all rules are off world.

but never really explained the advantage? Nothing said about what laws can you ignore then.

and the third advantage is the money they grant u when u first start out , a thousand golden coins .

that amount of money equals what 10 regular citizens would earn in their entire life , and even then they'd have to have worked quite hard.

Isn't this a little too much? Won't there be piperunners who would just get the money and run? I mean, if I get the amount of money that 10 people would need to work their entire lives out, I probably can live a wealthy life! Why bother to risk my life!?

If there are so few piperunners, why would the main character have to apply to a guild? won't they be forced into one the moment they became a piperunner? Especially since members of the guild gets a "log" which is so important. This means that without a guild, you are as good as dead as a piperunner? Functions of the guild is not explained, there should be some other benefits to it?

The last line of introduction to the prologue is quite meaningless, might as well leave it to chapter one to start introducing yourself. Just wondering, if the air is so polluted, do they still get sunlight?

Lastly, based on the actual story, as I usually read Japanese light novels, so my comments would be towards that area. Starting off introducing introducing the world view or some terms are fine, but to start chapter one with it is wrong, because they havent even heard of the term "piperunner"? So you should probably put the last line of your prologue into the first in your chapter one. Your entire chapter one is something like putting whatever is in your mind into words, there is no story, just more and more information about the main character you want to share, all of it is about him, despite none of it really having to do much with him. Most Japanese Light Novels would not attempt to introduce everything at the get go, but build up some suspsense at times, and only introduce them where necessary, this would be useful if you intend to drag the story longer, compared to you listing everything at first, making it hard to expand, or lets others see very clearly when you are trying to expand out, as you have to list everything all over again.

Additional Edit:

I finally realised what I find wrong with your story. Your story is more of you speaking, rather than the protogonist speaking, thus it seems awkward in that sense.

The following is a change of your settings(world setting included) if you would like:

For a more realistic view, you may instead say that due to the large amounts of roads, ever since the great burnout, the people went into a state of panic, and has worked hard to restore order. This took a few decades/centuries, thus all information of the roads and where they lead are all forgotten, needless to say that some of these pipes may have been damaged and thus no longer usable. Piperunners' tasks would be to explore the ends of the roads to see where they lead, and to see if they are still connected. They would be paid for new discoveries, especially for town contacts being re-established, as it would offer trade routes and all. Information would then be shared to all the "log"s.

For a more game-ish feel, you can add on monsters rampaging (for RPG style), thus piperunners also serve as messengers, deliverymen, merchants/traders between towns, or bodyguards. This increases the jobs a guild has to offer. This would also allow group work, thus the need of guilds, since you might need to form a party to travel around. For the guild in a more realistic story, it would be more similar to Spice and Wolf, to get benefits and information mainly.

As for the vehicle the protogonist possesses, its too good, I would suggest a better reason on how he got it. As a newbie, he can hardly leave town(can't travel far), and yet he is able to find a vehicle noone else can, master it, not to forget the vehicle is in PERFECT CONDITION, and was never even abandoned(if abandoned, the recognition system would not recognise him as owner). Or at least make it seem more natural, or else it's quite hard to accept.