read this and tell me what u think.

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stormydays
Astral Realm

read this and tell me what u think.

Post by stormydays »

ok, so heres a little scene from a story. read it (pwetty pwease) and tell me u think. whats the plot seem like to you? how do the few mentioned characters seem? would it make u wanna flip the page? etc etc etc... this is for an english course im taking. The only real condition was the make the reader wanna find out more.
Spoiler! :
Rumbling footsteps broke the silence of the forest. Soldiers, clad in armor, marched through the woods behind their Captain. Ready at arms, they chanted their king’s name. Arriving at the lake, they surround their targets. A couple, wanted for committing the ultimate taboo.

The Captain stepped forward and said “He said you’d be here. Would you peacefully shame us and lay down your arms or would you bless us with your corpses.”

The young couple addressed stood up and turned to face the Captain, their black robes fluttered behind them. A young man replied “We dare not oppose the royal family, what brings you for our heads?”

“You disgraced our kingdom. You stole what should rightfully belong to the King and Queen. Forgiveness shall only be granted to your dead bodies.”

“You should know that we may not be killed. This taboo you speak of does not allow for our deaths.”

As a group of soldiers ceased the young lady, the Captain walked towards the man as he signaled a soldier to hand over a torch. Grinning, he said “You may not die, but I have a feeling that your harpy will share a more painful fate. Men, hold him down.”

Held down to the ground, the young man watched as the Captain grabbed his love by the hair and set her robe ablaze. Unable to free himself, he could only bear witness to the burning body. The stench of burning flesh penetrated the air, but not a single scream was heard. As the lifeless charred body fell to the ground, the young man swore to take his own life and reunite himself with his love.

“Enjoy an eternity of loneliness you foul monster,” the Captain said as he and his men left the scene. Behind them, the young man looked over the corpse of what was once a beautiful maiden. He found himself feeling nothing. Unable to grasp the future that lies ahead of him, he walked away with only thoughts of suicide. His first destination was his humble abode; there he left a simple note meant for the landlord who comes by every month to pick up the rent. His second destination was a cave located at the edge of a lake. The very lake he fell in love. There, he set up a small room where he began collecting books. Hoping to find a way to rid himself of his curse, he spent years researching. As time passed, he began to forget the reason why he was cursed or why he wants to remove this curse. He rarely left his cave, spending most of his time drawing on old papers or training his body. At times he would venture deeper into the cave, but no matter what did or where he went, the image of a charred corpse was always on his mind.
Moved to the Novel section. - TGM
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Poke2201
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Re: read this and tell me what u think.

Post by Poke2201 »

I'm putting my full honest opinion:

Basically Im getting this sense of a story of a man's journey to regain his footing again. Here lies a past with no problems, and his future path looks like a dark and scary place, full of hardship.

I know there's something you can do to make it better, but I cant put my finger on it.

But I do want to try.
onizuka-gto wrote:Big Boss was playing with the cosmic forces and forgot to switch the blog database back on.
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stormydays
Astral Realm

Re: read this and tell me what u think.

Post by stormydays »

well, you got the right idea.
Im also trying to think of ways to make it better, but i still come up blank >.>
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Re: read this and tell me what u think.

Post by Poke2201 »

You, know I wanna try doing this. Though I really have no use for that except in fan fics.
onizuka-gto wrote:Big Boss was playing with the cosmic forces and forgot to switch the blog database back on.
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stormydays
Astral Realm

Re: read this and tell me what u think.

Post by stormydays »

give it a shot and let me read what you write ^_^
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Dan
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Re: read this and tell me what u think.

Post by Dan »

Needs more Yuki.
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Re: read this and tell me what u think.

Post by Poke2201 »

God it took me a while but here goes.
Spoiler! :
I woke up in a warm bed in an unknown place. My surroundings were white and gray and very plain. I tried to get up, but I couldn't. I tried to remember what happened, but I blanked and I couldn't tell what happened. The sun shined through the window, meaning it was a bit past noon. A woman, in her mid to late 20s walked in. She was plain, but I felt an attachment to her. She turned to me.

"Finally, you're awake."

I looked at her. I couldn't talk. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't talk.

"Hmmm..." she stared at me.

Then she connected 2 cables.

"ARRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!" I screamed. It was an electric shock. Where ever I am, This is not a good place. I tried to move, but my body wouldn't listen.

The lady walked up to me and licked her lips. "Now... I want you to be a good boy and stay here." After she talked to me, she shocked me again.

She walked out of the room. As she left, time seemed to slow. Ten minutes felt as if a year had gone by. The electricity tinged my body.

Voices started creeping in my head.

Kill... Kill...

I started to fade out. But as I started to lose consciousness, I saw her walk into the room once more with a small group of men.

I fought my hardest to stay conscious. One of men started to talk.

"How is the experiment?"

She answered, "Stage 1 is complete, Mr. President."
onizuka-gto wrote:Big Boss was playing with the cosmic forces and forgot to switch the blog database back on.
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onizuka-gto
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Re: read this and tell me what u think.

Post by onizuka-gto »

Dan wrote:Needs more Yuki.
Why I'm I not surprised?
:roll:
"Please note, we have added a consequence for failure.Any contact with the chamber floor will result in an unsatisfactory mark on your official test record, followed by death. Good luck."

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b0mb3r
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Re: read this and tell me what u think.

Post by b0mb3r »

Dan wrote:Needs more Yuki.
haruhi man haven't heard from you from a long time and instead you have to respond this thread with that comment? go make yourself a yuki fanfic with you in it to satisfied your fantasy.
.
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Re: read this and tell me what u think.

Post by Poke2201 »

Someone read my captivating story so I can stroke my ego.
onizuka-gto wrote:Big Boss was playing with the cosmic forces and forgot to switch the blog database back on.
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onizuka-gto
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Re: read this and tell me what u think.

Post by onizuka-gto »

Poke2201 wrote:Someone read my captivating story so I can stroke my ego.

mmmm.......maybe later.
:roll:
"Please note, we have added a consequence for failure.Any contact with the chamber floor will result in an unsatisfactory mark on your official test record, followed by death. Good luck."

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b0mb3r
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Re: read this and tell me what u think.

Post by b0mb3r »

Poke2201 wrote:Someone read my captivating story so I can stroke my ego.
I will only do it if you were a cat. than i will stroke you all the time ^_^
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Re: read this and tell me what u think.

Post by Poke2201 »

THAT DOESNT COUNT XD!!!!
onizuka-gto wrote:Big Boss was playing with the cosmic forces and forgot to switch the blog database back on.
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b0mb3r
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Re: read this and tell me what u think.

Post by b0mb3r »

what does a filippino cat look like?
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Re: read this and tell me what u think.

Post by Poke2201 »

Like a cat.
onizuka-gto wrote:Big Boss was playing with the cosmic forces and forgot to switch the blog database back on.
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