Question on Sasaki

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quigonkenny
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Post by quigonkenny »

magus wrote:Looks pretty good, but those seem's kinda off.....

Haruhi widened her eyes. Sasaki, slightly shooked head and explained.
I edited this one, but it just sound awkward no matter how i put it. :?
At this moment, I noticed Sasaki stepping out for half a step with lips curled into the shape of a crescent, revealing a smile and stretching out a hand, wanting to shake Haruhi's hand it seemed.
Feels sort strange to me, maybe it's just personal prefernce or something.
How about:
Haruhi widened her eyes. Sasaki, head slightly shaking, explained.
Succinct. Precise. I really like it, if I do say so myself, but someone's already corrected the line with something just as good:
Haruhi widened her eyes. Sasaki gave a slight shake of the head and explained.
If it ain't broke...

And...
At this moment, I noticed Sasaki stepping out half a step, lips curled into the shape of a crescent, revealing a smile and stretching out a hand, seemingly offering it for Haruhi to shake.
The "wanting" is removed, but it's not needed, as the "seemingly" and the "offering" imply both the "wanting" as well as the "it seemed." I've also removed the second "hand," which helps immensely.

And giving the other one a shot...
My ex-classmate sure moves quickly. I stared blankly at Sasaki's back for a while until it disappeared, then I turned back.
Just sounds better to me this way.

I've gotten a login, so I'll keep an eye out, and if everyone likes these, I'll change them. I'd only suggest changing the first if someone really doesn't like the way it is currently.
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Dan
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Post by Dan »

Those are good! In fact, reading them, it seems so obviously simple, why didn't I think it up?
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quigonkenny
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Post by quigonkenny »

Dan wrote:Those are good! In fact, reading them, it seems so obviously simple, why didn't I think it up?
Cool. I've changed the second and third lines, but have kept the first. I like the way whoever it was edited that one better than my way.
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magus
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Post by magus »

Most of those are alredy been edited >_>....... by god knows who.
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