Chapter 1 suggested edits (for 57% - 70%)

Discuss topics concerning this volume

Moderators: Fringe Security Bureau, Senior Editors, Senior Translators, Alt. Language Translator/Editor, Executive Council, Project Translators, Project Editors

Locked
User avatar
ryvrdrgn15
Astral Realm

Chapter 1 suggested edits (for 57% - 70%)

Post by ryvrdrgn15 »

I thought I'd try to contribute a little to the editing. If I posted in the wrong place, sorry. If my suggested edits appear wrong, please just totally ignore the fact that I suggested them. O_o;

These are for Chapter 1's newly added text.

In this part...

"All I have is these two. Because no one else would get close to me."

Pluralization and the two of them can make one sentence instead?

"All I have are these two because no one else would get close to me."

And a minor thing here...

"Although it's hard to take in those 3 cards all at once, but I'm starting to believe it now."

I don't think you need both Although and But in the same sentence?

"Although it's hard to take in those 3 cards all at once, I'm starting to believe it now." or "It's hard to take in those 3 cards all at once, but I'm starting to believe it now."

And another minor thing here...

"Besides, we have waited for a long time already, isn't it about time for us to show up now?"

I guess I just think that the phrase 'isn't it about time' already means now or the present so 'now' can be dropped? Also shifting the position of 'already'...

"Besides, we have already waited for a long time. Isn't it about time for us to (finally?) show up?"

Another one...

"I have no idea when they arrived, even though I'm technically not the last one to arrive, it still looks that way with all the others already standing there."

I think it's better if it's broken up in two sentences.

"I have no idea when they arrived. Even though I'm technically not the last one to arrive, it still looks that way with all the others already standing there."[/i]

And here's another...

Haruhi has now locked her gaze onto mine and is now stomping towards my way.

Just a little change at the end with the word 'way' since it sounds a little strange.

Haruhi has now locked her gaze onto mine and is now stomping towards me. or Haruhi has now locked her gaze onto mine and is now stomping towards my direction.

And to avoid a little redundancy...

The other three followed like maids following a princess.

Just to avoid using follow twice.

The other three followed like maids attending to a princess. or The other three walked behind her like maids following a princess.

The last one here...

Sasaki answered after understanding my intentions, then bowed toward Haruhi.

It could be split into two sentences or just add a 'she' to it for a more complete reference...

Sasaki answered after understanding my intentions. She then bowed towards Haruhi. or Sasaki answered after understanding my intentions and then she bowed towards Haruhi.

Anyway, I hope some of that was correct or useful in editing. o_o;
User avatar
Dan
Square Mage
Posts: 2361
Joined: Sat Nov 18, 2006 6:53 pm
Favourite Light Novel: Ahouka!
Location: Atlanta, Georgia

Post by Dan »

Yo, thanks for helping out the project. I don't think there's a need to post what edits you've done, there's a way to view history of edits on the wiki, and if somethings are wrong, they'll end up getting corrected anyway.
User avatar
magus
Astral Realm

Post by magus »

It's a wiki, you can change it if you want. :wink:
User avatar
ryvrdrgn15
Astral Realm

Post by ryvrdrgn15 »

Oh okay. I thought I just read somewhere to post changes before changing or something. ^_^;

I'll see what other things I can help edit when I read through it again in the new chapter as well as the previous ones.
User avatar
quigonkenny
Temporal Time Variant Entity
Posts: 294
Joined: Sun Jun 11, 2006 11:03 pm
Favourite Light Novel: Ahouka!
Location: YES._

Post by quigonkenny »

ryvrdrgn15 wrote:Oh okay. I thought I just read somewhere to post changes before changing or something. ^_^;
Nah, if it's just a clarification, grammar, or spelling edit, just fix it, and if there's any need for explanation, just put it in the edit description, or the discussion page. I think the only time creating a forum topic is to discuss if something was possibly mistranslated, or an edit will change the meaning of what is being edited. Oh, and you'll want to make sure you create a login if you're going to be doing any sizable editing.
Locked

Return to “Volume 9 - The Dissociation of Suzumiya Haruhi / 第九巻: 涼宮ハルヒの分裂”