Major Chapter 2 Enhancement

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deskoh91
Astral Realm

Re: Major Chapter 2 Enhancement

Post by deskoh91 »

jesse* wrote:I've been enhancing your enhancements. I'm trying to write it in more of a conversational style like in the fansubs and official translation. I'm still not content with a lot of things about the chapter.
  • The (big) and (small) after Asahina-san. Surely there is some better way. Tucked deep in the forums in 2007.
  • At one point Sasaki laughs in her cluck-cluck voice. Was the original some kind of onomatopoeia?
  • "If you wish to tutor my sister in Mathematics, I think you had better not." Must be some way to make this better.
  • "Blood is thicker than water." I do not envy you trying to make sense of Sasaki's paragraphs, but what was the original? A Japanese proverb roughly equivalent to this?
  • He describes Kuyoh as quiet and alienate. I'm replacing this with distant unless the original also had a play on words that said she's an alien.
  • In your first version Sasaki and Kyoko went to town and walked around, now they shopped around. What was the original verb? I know they were hanging out but I'm being exact and pedantic.
  • The topic of three years ago makes people shake their heads in disbelief. Must be a better way to say that.
  • You added a sentence where Kyon reminisces about Sasaki's glimmering eyes. Did he just dwell on them more in the original?
  • Kyon is easily defeated in a debate of words. Seems a bit stilted there. Verbal debate? Battle of wits? Battle of words? Argument?
  • That whole paragraph on speakers and listeners. I get the impression that Kyon makes people comfortable telling him things he already knows but I'm not sure.
  • Sasaki lets him go so his sister won't lose homework time and he won't lose... time to exercise brotherly authority? Must be a better way.
  • It would be easier if Kyon left a contact number on the New Years' Card. Is there an implication that he sent her one without his number, or is it some kind of class thing, probably not significant.
Here's the story so far.
Spoiler! :
'''α-1'''

"Hello."

A completely foreign voice echoed through the handset.

It wasn't Haruhi, Nagato, or any Asahina-san. It wasn't Mori-san or Sakanaka, much less Suou Kuyoh or Tachibana Kyoko. It wasn't even Sasaki, which would have made sense. I could tell from just one word: this did not come from anyone I knew. This was a voice that had never touched my eardrums.

"Ah, are you bathing? Sorry! I apologize. Shall I call back later?"

That isn't necessary, but just before I could say that...

"But, but, it will not be better if I call multiple times as well. I'm really sorry."

That voice poured incessantly through my phone. I stopped her.

"Who is this? At least tell me your name."

"It’s me. Me, just me~"

No, you are not Haruhi, and so that is not considered a formal introduction.

"How can that be..."

The female voice said. Since it was coming from the phone, the voice wasn't very clear either. The owner of the voice spoke in a jovial high pitch.

"But it is alright. I only intended to say hi anyway. Your little sister is really cute. I want one just like her. Arithmetic drills... haha, that’s cute."

Hmm... I sank into deep thought. Even though this voice is new to me, her speech patterns closely resemble someone else's. But no matter how hard I searched the storage in my brain, I couldn't place the voice, except that it sounded relatively young and child-like, a bit like my little sister.

"I simply wished to hear Senpai's[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Senpai] voice," The owner of the voice continued. "That’s all, no other reason. If I have to trouble you in the future, please take good care of me. If only we could have more time together."

Wait, did this person just address me as a senior? That makes her younger than me. But I really have no recollection of who the owner of this voice might be. Just when I wanted to tell her to at least give me her full name...

"I am hanging up. Goodbye. Till next time." She giggled.

Click.

Just like that, she hung up.

What is this? Just dealing with my old friend Sasaki, Tachibana Kyoko, Kuyoh and the rest was enough to keep my hands full. I don't want any more new characters in this part of the story.

I had a sudden stroke of inspiration and searched the call list, but all I found out was that she used a private number.

Even after I was out of the bath and in my pajamas, I was still asking myself who this mystery caller could be, but I was just wasting my time.

"What exactly went wrong today?"

Well, no matter how hard I think I won't change anything. I'll just take it as it comes. If that doesn't work, I'll just have to make sure it does. If anything happens, I'll discuss it with Koizumi, then Asahina-san, then Nagato, and then an infinite distance down the list with Haruhi, in that order. Till then, it's none of my business.

"What a pain."

Tomorrow is a precious full day of rest. As long as Haruhi doesn’t come up with any strange ideas before I fall asleep, Sunday is going to be very relaxing.

To make sure I didn't catch a cold after the bath, I hugged Shamisen like a heat bag as I went to my sister's room.


'''β-1'''

"Hello."

A voice I had heard that morning echoed through the handset.

It would've been alright if it was Haruhi, Nagato or Asahina-san (big). Haruhi would be suggesting some naïve plans for tomorrow at the most. Nagato, I'd discuss how we could handle Kuyoh. As for Asahina-san (big), I have many, many questions for her.

"Ah? Are you bathing? Your sister should have told me. I could call you back later, but since you answered this call, you should be more or less done. Am I correct?”

The caller wasn't anyone I'd been expecting. I said her name.

"Sasaki?"

"Yes, it's me. About today, I was planning on chatting a little longer, but Suzumiya-san arrived a bit too early. I guess that was a miscalculation on my part."

Sasaki laughed, in her chirping, clucking kind of voice.

"But your sister hasn't changed a bit. I mentioned my name, but I don't know if she didn't hear that or if she simply forgot about me. But this can't be helped, we have only met twice... no, three times.”

"If you want to be my little sister's math tutor, I think you'd better not." This is one of my rare contributions to the family.

"I understand. How could I take your cute little sister away from you? On Earth, there are billions of people who are strangers to you, and a very few tied to you by blood: your family. The ratio of these two groups is very high. This rarity makes family one of the most precious ties in this world. As they say, blood is thicker than water."

"So, what is it?"

"I will be direct then. I hope we can meet in front of the train station tomorrow at nine in the morning. Remember the place? That should be enough information. As for what's happening, well, I am not actually the one who has any business with you; I think it will be easier if you hear it from Tachibana-san directly. From what I gather, you will understand this better than me."

"They're coming too?"

I felt very irritated when I remembered the distant and quiet Kuyoh.

"He should be there too. What’s his name... well, that self-proclaimed time traveler guy."

That irritated me even more. If that idiot spouts some rubbish about Asahina-san again, I don't think I can hold myself back any more. If I lose control and beat him up, it's up to you to try and stop me.

"So you're coming? Kyon, don't worry. The three of them hope to come to terms without coming to blows. It would be best for all parties if we can keep our exchange of opinions limited to verbal means."

Let's hope that alien understands Earth language. Speaking of that...

"Sasaki, where did you go with them today?"

"Looking for an alibi? We took the train to the city and shopped around. Tachibana-san is fun to hang out with. She talked a lot about her high school life," she said, then calmly added. "And about four years ago." [[Image:Sh_v09_ch02_01.jpg|thumb| A voice I had heard that morning echoed through the handset..'']]

Four years ago.

I had first heard about it when it was three years ago. It's the keyword that everyone has something to say about, and that usually ends with them shaking their heads in disbelief. That's when Haruhi unleashed her sadistic superpowers, causing some kind of earth-shattering event. Oh, we can now host the Olympics [http://www.baka-tsuki.net/project/index ... g_Olympics].

"What did she say?"

"You should ask her yourself. I am still very confused. Kyon, I have this unsettling feeling. I feel like I'm in elementary school and my first swimming lesson is tomorrow, and I'll have to step into the water without knowing how to stay afloat.”

I remembered my middle school days, Sasaki's poise as she waited by the pool. When she mingled with the other girls, she seemed totally normal. The only things out of the ordinary were her above average communication skills and her captivating, glimmering eyes when she talked. When she isn't talking with the guys, she's just ordinary middle school, now high school, student.

It was always like that. So why call me about this? This isn't normal at all. There must be a some mistake here. Whose fault is it?

"Sasaki, I know that you're representing that group. I just don't get why you're doing this."

Sasaki was quiet on the other side of the line for a while, then she laughed, the kind she made when she thought deeply.

"It's because I am your good friend. Doesn't that make me more suitable? If someone else were to ask you to come, you wouldn't be so obedient, would you? You're not gullible. Although I must add that you are easily defeated in a verbal debate."

I had never thought of defeating you in a verbal debate.

"You are an excellent listener, with the right amounts of intelligence and innocence. Please don’t be angry, I'm praising you. It may seem meaningless to the speaker to tell the listener things he may not understand, and reporting something you know the other party already knows isn’t much better. But if it's you I have nothing to worry about. You make people feel comfortable sharing things with you.

It really didn't feel like praise, but if Sasaki said it, I could understand. It's always been like this.

"I should let you go. I don't want to disturb your younger sister's study time, or keep you from your fraternal obligations. Make sure you arrive punctually tomorrow, or else I wasted my time tearing my room apart for the contact list. It would have be easier if you had left a number on the New Year’s card."

Of course I'm going tomorrow.
Please note that my criticism is not personal, I just want to see this book more translated than it is. I do not have access to the originals, and even if I did I'm not fluent in Japanese, so it would be helpful if you could give one hundred percent literal translations for the sticky parts. Then it's up to us to make them flow into the narrative.
just to go through... oh and I was working from a chinese copy in case you are wondering.

literal translation was the one that was sitting there for 1.5 years. and believe me when I said it couldn't get any more literal. it looked rather miserable so I decided to set it in a more correct direction.

The (big) and (small) after Asahina-san. Surely there is some better way. Tucked deep in the forums in 2007.

that is how it is done in the novels. but if you insist, older Asahina and younger Asahina may be more natural, but I think its intended effect will deviate quite a bit from the novel, which wanted to make it seem more like a mental note for Kyon.

At one point Sasaki laughs in her cluck-cluck voice. Was the original some kind of onomatopoeia?

kind of? the book seemed like it was imitating laughing sound in words, but from a bit of searching, it probably meant something like a giggle. I will go with the latter but its your call.

"If you wish to tutor my sister in Mathematics, I think you had better not." Must be some way to make this better.

I appreciate any changes here. he said this since Sasaki could not decide between the "two" or "three" times she met his younger sister. Kyon is trying to imply she couldnt count properly.

"Blood is thicker than water." I do not envy you trying to make sense of Sasaki's paragraphs, but what was the original? A Japanese proverb roughly equivalent to this?

this is the original proverb used in the chinese copy. and with chinese and japanese similar in some manners, especially in these sayings, this is probably what was used in japanese.

He describes Kuyoh as quiet and alienate. I'm replacing this with distant unless the original also had a play on words that said she's an alien.

it is a good change to improve flow.

In your first version Sasaki and Kyoko went to town and walked around, now they shopped around. What was the original verb? I know they were hanging out but I'm being exact and pedantic.

a literal translation would be they "turned a few rounds" (转了几圈). considering this, walked may be the more correct meaning, but shopped gave a more correct flow.

The topic of three years ago makes people shake their heads in disbelief. Must be a better way to say that.

Yes.

You added a sentence where Kyon reminisces about Sasaki's glimmering eyes. Did he just dwell on them more in the original?

Yes she did. he literally repeated part of the same line twice. wondering if its a typo on my copy...

Kyon is easily defeated in a debate of words. Seems a bit stilted there. Verbal debate? Battle of wits? Battle of words? Argument?

verbal debate most likely.

That whole paragraph on speakers and listeners. I get the impression that Kyon makes people comfortable telling him things he already knows but I'm not sure.

sasaki was saying while it may be senseless to tell another person something they dont know, telling the other person something they already knew seemed more like reporting, and equally pointless.

and kyon happened to strike the right balance of both, so people feel comfortable sharing stuff with him.

Sasaki lets him go so his sister won't lose homework time and he won't lose... time to exercise brotherly authority? Must be a better way.

Yes again.

It would be easier if Kyon left a contact number on the New Years' Card. Is there an implication that he sent her one without his number, or is it some kind of class thing, probably not significant.

it wasnt addressed directly, but something tells me it is going to be more like the former.
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jesse*
Astral Realm

Re: Major Chapter 2 Enhancement

Post by jesse* »

Well, if that's your only problem, there's an easy fix for that:
My own stupid mistake.

Gone through as far as alpha-3, and I'll be updating my edits for the first part. Story so far:
Spoiler! :
I'd been wanting to clarify. I didn't need IFF to confirm[http://www.baka-tsuki.net/project/index ... _Notes#IFF] them as alien, time traveler and esper foe. And since they'd decided to come together I wouldn't have to waste any effort tracking them down.

"Be careful not to catch a cold after your bath. And please send my greetings to your parents."

She gently hung up.

I got out of the bathtub, put on my pajamas and hurried to my room.


'''β-2'''

I grabbed the phone Shamisen was lying on and dialed a number. He picked up after one ring.

"Koizumi."

I admire how fast you answer the phone. It's like you're on standby.

"That is because I felt you would be contacting me soon. In fact, your call was later than I expected. I thought you would call me right after dismissal."

I called you just after Sasaki called me. I'd have to put superluminal particles [http://www.baka-tsuki.net/project/index ... _particles] in the phone line if you wanted me to be any faster.

"This topic is not our primary interest. So did the other side initiate contact? I expected you to call whether or not Sasaki-san called you. Didn't you have some questions for me?"

"Do you know about Tachibana Kyoko?"

"Of course I do. After all, her faction has a totally different ideology than the 'Organization', which makes them a competitor."

I really want to know how that competition takes place. I suppose it's not some kind of isolated guerilla warfare. Maybe a war with super powers in closed space?

"That would be interesting if possible. Unfortunately it isn’t that simple - she is not able to enter Suzumiya-san's closed spaces. Tachibana Kyoko and her group are not so different from my own 'Organization.' Our activities are based on a similar philosophy but with different explanations behind it. I guess you could put it that way."

And that's the theory where Haruhi is some kind of god who created the world three - well, four - years ago?

"That is the simplest way of putting it, but it's still an unprovable hypothesis. Many in the 'Organization' hold this belief, but we all agree that she is the source of our powers.”

And Tachibana Kyoko?

"She is part of a group of people that do not have esper powers but insist that they do. They are a group unable to acknowledge Haruhi as a god. Maybe they were ordinary civilians that found out about our powers and wanted to share the spotlight. I know how that feels."

Koizumi almost sounded like he pitied Kyoko's group.

"So, what did Sasaki-san say?"

"I'll meet with them tomorrow."

I told him about my conversation with Sasaki.

"I don't know why, but I think they've got something to tell me. And I've got a little something to tell them, too.”

Koizumi chuckled, then continued:

"Let me add to that. Tachibana Kyoko will not attempt any violent acts on you or Suzumiya-san. She was actually very critical of the kidnapping incident. The problem was with whoever lost their composure listening to that time-traveller. Kyoko and her people value you just as much as they do Suzumiya-san. The real wildcard is Nagato-san's opposite. Her thoughts are even more of a mystery than those of the IDSE."

After telling me to be careful, Koizumi ended the call. The reason why we did not have a longer chat is because I know the above is enough for Koizumi to know what I meant. If I am kidnapped then, I would have to trouble you.

"Next..."

Would be Nagato.

I don't even need a phone book to remember her number now.

This time the phone rang three times.

"..."

"Nagato, it's me."

"..."

"So, about tomorrow..."

Even without a reply, the silence on the other end of the line was enough to tell me who I was talking to. I continued without any response until I said, "So, tomorrow, I'll be meeting that alien I met today."

"I see."

Nagato's voice, emotionless.

"If Sasaki wasn't lying, they wanted to settle this peacefully. Koizumi thinks so too. That is why I wanted your opinion."

"..."

And after a period of silence about as long as it takes to look up a word in the dictionary...

"Currently there is little danger. This matter can be approached without concern."

Coming from Nagato, this was extremely convincing. I could feel my entire body relaxing.

"The Integrated Data Sentient Entity is currently putting all effort into analyzing their reports."

"Have you caught any actual information?"

"Not yet. The only determinable information at this stage is that it is a macro-spatial quantum cosmic existence."

"Have you communicated with Suou Kuyoh?"

"Unable to find a common link. Thought process remains unclear."

So the mysterious alien is still a mystery.

I was wondering if I could catch Kuyoh and send her to some kind of alien development organization when Nagato continued.

"Their salutation has been standardized temporarily."

"Oh, tell me about it then."

"Sky Canopy Dominion," monotoned Nagato, without even trying to be dramatic.

"From what we see, they came from above the sky."

'''α-2'''

After I helped my sister with her homework, I left Shamisen with her and went back to my room. I took the phone from my bed and called a number. He picked up after one ring.

"Koizumi."

I admire how fast you answer the phone. It's like you're on standby.

"That is because I felt you would be contacting me soon. In fact, your call was later than I expected. I thought you would call me right after dismissal."

I'm not that impatient. Honestly, I just needed some time to arrange my thoughts.

"What exactly is going on with those chicks we met this morning?"

"I would ask you the same. But there is not much to say about what happened on Tachibana Kyoko’s side. I had long been expecting their faction to run out of patience and take action. That kidnapping incident was just a taste of what's to come, although we cannot say it was what Tachibana Kyoko wanted to happen."

I wasn't expecting you to speak for the other side.

"I do not wish to fight any unnecessary battles. A violent confrontation just isn't my style. Fortunately for all of us, Tachibana Kyoko is tractable enough, albeit only just so. After all, a rational opponent is better than an ignorant ally. At this juncture, the best outcome for both would be if they remain bystanders. Spring is near when winter begins. That would be much better than remaining in a cold war footing."

Don't use those words. They're causing attrition on my nerves.

"There is another possibility. The time traveller may be giving them weird ideas again. Even Nagato-san's opponent has made an appearance. I suppose they would have to take action now."

What exactly are they trying to accomplish?

"Tachibana Kyoko and her group are not so different from my own 'Organization.' Our activities are based on a similar philosophy but with different explanations behind it. They simply wanted to minimize their own possibility making a mistake. I can understand this because I find it equally valid. The reason we have superpowers is because Suzumiya-san bestowed them upon us. That is an unwavering fact."

And that's the theory where Haruhi is some kind of god who created the world three - well, four - years ago?

"This is not a matter of believing or not believing. Even if we remove the word 'god,' the undeniable truth is that Suzumiya-san is the creator of closed spaces and Avatars, and that the reason we exist is to control that situation. I knew this from the beginning and it would be problematic if it changed now. So, this is something I am not willing to make concessions for."

“It would be best if we could resolve this through rational debate,” Koizumi continued with the tone of a bystander.

"Tachibana Kyoko and Sasaki-san are fine. At least they're from our time frame, possess similar values, and are easy to monitor. After all, they are humans like us. The unpredictable one would be the alien not belonging to the Integrated Data Sentient Entity, Suou Kuyoh. I'm afraid that from our viewpoint she is the monomer with no similar variants. We know nothing about her methods and less about her motives. Next to her, you could even say time travelers and such would be 'cute'."

It is a truth universally acknowledged that Asahina-san is cute, but I don't think that holds for all time travelers.

"I agree. On our team Asahina-san is more of the needs-protection type. After all, she is an irresistibly cute young woman, we couldn't possibly just leave her alone. But we don't want them to bring their future conflicts to the past either. I suppose our problems with time travelers should just be solved by the time travelers themselves."

“Otherwise they would just be irresponsible,” Koizumi added.

"Anything other than that can be taken care of by Nagato-san and myself. You too, if you see any evil claws reaching for Suzumiya-san, I don’t suppose you'll be sitting still either?"

Of course. After all, she is our brigade leader.

"We will wait for the other party to act. Right now there's not much we need to think about it. Because no matter what, Suzumiya-san is still on our side."


'''β-3'''

By the time I was off the phone with Nagato, my sister was next to me impatiently holding her schoolwork.

And she just left it on the floor and played with Shamisen instead. After she had her fun and finished her work an hour had gone by. You can tell she's related to me when you see her with her homework. She can do the four fundamental operations of arithmetic [http://www.baka-tsuki.net/project/index ... Arithmetic], but if the question has any kind of twist it totally throws off her groove.

I gave her back her pencil, paper and practice books along with the answers I'd worked out. "If that's it, back to your room. And take Shamisen. He's really heavy and he always takes too much of the covers."

"Shami~ want to sleep together?"

The calico cat raised his head, cast a doubtful glance at my sister, and slowly walked over to my blanket.

"He says no."

My sister seemed pleased as she left with her work, skipping out like a dancer out of the room. By her standards, she's being obedient. You get bonus point for this one.

I turned on the TV. There was nothing on but I flipped through the channels as I thought about the next morning. Probably better to be mentally prepared.

I might as well sleep early tonight.
And thanks for answering my questions, deskoh. You're a man among men. I would assume.

If you're up for the next round (and if you're not deskoh pitch in anyway), the first few are just stylistic choices.
  • The God Haruhi theory. I left it without a name so far, but we could call it Haruhiism. That would be fun.
  • I had Koizumi use the IDSE's initials rather than say the whole thing, but do you think we should call them Data Overlords? Not quite as cool-sounding but more official.
  • When Kyon talks about sending Kuyoh to an alien development institution, maybe he's talking about some Japanese equivalent of Area 51?
  • Are they the Sky Canopy Domain or Dominion? I liked Domain better, and that was in the older translation.
These next are questions about the translation.
  • The groups have differing "ideologies." What's the original word used? Ideology might be the best translation but I'm not sure.
  • The IDSE is analyzing reports. Their own reports I would assume?
  • When Koizumi talks about spring being near when winter begins is he saying it's a suitable time for action or not?
  • Koizumi's thoughts cause attrition on Kyon's nerves. What's the original phrase?
  • In the first translation Kuyoh was the monomer, you added "no similar variants" in the enhancement. Were you just explaining what a monomer is?
  • Kyon conveniently turns on the TV. Is he talking weird or was that the best word you could find?
  • This one's for the crowd. Koizumi uses a tone "like a bystander." I'd ask you guys for a better phrase.
Sorry for the unconstructive criticism, I was hoping some other of you good people would pitch in and help us write. Wiki magic where my imagination fails.
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Rectifier
Astral Realm

Re: Major Chapter 2 Enhancement

Post by Rectifier »

jesse* wrote:If you're up for the next round (and if you're not deskoh pitch in anyway), the first few are just stylistic choices.
On this kinda stuff, when it is decided that certain things should be changed to something that hasn't been defined yet and has a few options to translate (i use this lightly) into, we usually have a vote on it for a week or two and settle it that way.
Spoiler! :
The God Haruhi theory. I left it without a name so far, but we could call it Haruhiism. That would be fun.
I had Koizumi use the IDSE's initials rather than say the whole thing, but do you think we should call them Data Overlords? Not quite as cool-sounding but more official.
When Kyon talks about sending Kuyoh to an alien development institution, maybe he's talking about some Japanese equivalent of Area 51?
Are they the Sky Canopy Domain or Dominion? I liked Domain better, and that was in the older translation.
These next are questions about the translation.

The groups have differing "ideologies." What's the original word used? Ideology might be the best translation but I'm not sure.
Depends on how often ideology has been used in the text, I usually like to mix it up, such as using "their set of beliefs" rather than ideologies. However I don't write books, I've only written essays, so this might be a moot point.
The IDSE is analyzing reports. Their own reports I would assume?
You can assume that if you want to.
When Koizumi talks about spring being near when winter begins is he saying it's a suitable time for action or not?
Probably, Japanese like weather metaphors/allegories.
Koizumi's thoughts cause attrition on Kyon's nerves. What's the original phrase?
Skipping
In the first translation Kuyoh was the monomer, you added "no similar variants" in the enhancement. Were you just explaining
what a monomer is?
Skipping
Kyon conveniently turns on the TV. Is he talking weird or was that the best word you could find?
If (BIG IF) that is the translation, I would probably change it to: "Kyon turns on the TV conveniently." to flow better.
This one's for the crowd. Koizumi uses a tone "like a bystander." I'd ask you guys for a better phrase.[/list]
"from the sidelines" perhaps.
Sorry for the unconstructive criticism, I was hoping some other of you good people would pitch in and help us write. Wiki magic where my imagination fails.
You mean DEconstructive or just negative, unconstructive is not a word.
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quigonkenny
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Re: Major Chapter 2 Enhancement

Post by quigonkenny »

jesse* wrote:
  • I had Koizumi use the IDSE's initials rather than say the whole thing, but do you think we should call them Data Overlords? Not quite as cool-sounding but more official.
  • Are they the Sky Canopy Domain or Dominion? I liked Domain better, and that was in the older translation.
Part the first:
I think it's best to avoid using "Data Overlord". For one thing, we've got eight other novel translations, several of which are already locked for editing, which all use IDSE or the long form. If nothing else, it's a B-T hallmark. Secondly, taking terms from the official translation is just a bad idea, considering the questionable legality of this project in general. Thirdly, I'm pretty sure I remember a post by one of the mods (was it Oni?) that already brought the hammer soundly down on the "NO" side of that question anyway, largely because of reason #2.

Part the second:
Last I remember, it was "officially" (for B-T) "Sky Canopy Domain" (previously "Canopy Domain" and "Sky Canopy Dominion", and innumerable others). That's what won the poll, IIRC. To avoid a whole new bruhaha, I'd recommend keeping it that way unless Deskoh has some enlightenment via the official Chinese translation as to a better suggestion.

Frankly, I've never been satified with any of the names B-T has come up with for the IDSE's rivals, especially the original, and have written it off as something only someone who is both a native English and native Japanese speaker at the same time (probably holding both "Tea" and "No Tea") would be able to accurately solve. I can't wait until the official official translation gives me a different term to lord over everyone... ^_^
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jesse*
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Re: Major Chapter 2 Enhancement

Post by jesse* »

Edited the first part a little from deskoh's suggestions, though I suppose this is a wiki, reaching perfection bit by bit. Technically.

Have edited to partway through the coffee shop.

Style:
  • Would enough people know what he means for Kyon to say R&R? It seems like a Kyonish thing to say.
  • Sasaki apparently plays gridiron football. In the first, literal translation she just says football, then American football in the enhancement. In the next sentence she mentions a quarterback so that should define it (along with Tanigawa being an American football fan).
  • Kyoko gets a distant look when she thinks of when the esper groups split and I don't like my paragraph on it. Someone please fix it.
Grammar:
  • First run, Nagato has an alien seminar (I recall). Enhancement, alien Nagato has a seminar. Which one is alien? Or are they both?
  • First run Shamisen has an exhausted face and croaks. Enhancement he looks exhausted and purrs. Not terribly important I suppose.
  • The cruel truth Kyon keeps from his sister includes... aliens being clever? That does not seem cruel.
  • Kuyoh's state of being seems to vary on a day-to-day basis and I'm not sure what that means.
  • Kyoko picks up the bundle as the emcee. I found that awkward. I replaced it but maybe there's some compromise that makes it more Kyonish.
  • When Fujiwara picks a name, Sasaki suggests something from an ancient imperial guard or maybe a government official in the first run, in the enhancement "fat or skinny chairman." I went with the original because it sounded cooler.
  • Kyoko bomb dropping. Probably a better way than how I edited it.
  • What Kyoko thought about the kidnapping plan and what Sasaki thinks about her powers are a little unclear.
  • Related to the style list. Sasaki doesn't like being influential so she likes playing as the quarterback. Either she's being ironic, Tanigawa doesn't know football like he thinks he does, or the Chinese translator doesn't know football like he thinks he does. Probably the third.
Story so far.
Spoiler! :
'''α-3'''

After I called Koizumi, I debating calling Nagato as well. When I realized I didn't have much to ask about I put the phone back beside my bed.

If Kuyoh were some kind of harbinger of death for Nagato I'm sure she wouldn't be quiet about it. Besides, tomorrow is a normal Sunday our merciful leader has bestowed upon us. I'll just take the chance to rest.

However reluctant I get I'll still meet her at school on Monday. If I visit the clubroom during lunch, I'll be able to listen to alien Nagato's seminar anyway.

I had almost picked up that book I still need to return when a scratching sound came from the door. I opened the door and Shamisen crawled, purring exhaustedly. He climbed onto the bed, rolled into a ball and fell asleep without even thanking the doorman.

Ah, another reminder that the lives of cats are as eternal as the world's[http://www.baka-tsuki.net/project/index ... _Notes#The lives of the cats are as eternal as the world’s].


'''α-4'''

Next day, Sunday.

I didn't do much; read some books, played some games, savouring my time alone. I made it to evening without anything interesting happening. I value my rare, happy unHaruhi rest days.

Tomorrow is about to start. The melancholy-inducing Sunday night is about to pass, the start of another week, existing only to bring another weekend, a new odd-numbered day of the week.

Monday is almost here.


'''β-4'''

Next day, Sunday.

I was up by seven. Thirty minutes from the ring of the alarm clock to full out-the-door readiness.

I have never as much time wasted by breakfast and washing up. I had enough time for a litte more sleep, but if tried for a tiny nap now I wouldn't wake up for another two hours.

All I can do is read the morning paper in the kitchen. My little sister, so proud of always being first in the family to wake up, stared in disbelief.

"Wow, Kyon woke up before me two days in a row. Why~?"

What is there to 'why' about? I am a high school student, naturally more busy than a sixth grader. When you're older the older you will wistfully reminisce about the present-day you, so take the time to enjoy grade school to its fullest. And don't write things in your graduating speech that make people laugh at you.

"Ohh~ where are you all going today? Will Haruhi be there too?"

If I answered honestly, she'd want to tag along. While Sasaki may be understanding enough, that time traveler would just give us one of his disgusting glares. No, I should let her come along just to get back at them.

"I'm meeting with some middle school friends."

I eventually decided to turn her away. There would be plenty of chances to meet Sasaki later; more than that, I don't want to expose my dear little sister to harsh reality so soon. She has had a pure and innocent upbringing and still believes in Santa Claus. Knowing that aliens are actually extremely clever and time travellers are smug bastards that piss people off... destroying fantasies like would just be cruel.

You stay home with Shamisen instead. If Haruhi calls, go think of some cover-up. You have liberty to come up with any excuse you please. But be careful: you are not to mention the name "Sasaki." Not even "Sa."

"O~kay."

My sister rushed off to wash up, feet thumping across the house.

Now is my chance. It's still really early, but I should set off as soon as possible. If my sister quizzes me later and I end up revealing something important I'll have even more trouble to deal with. I feel uneasy all over waiting at home anyway, with this unbearable urge to wrap up today as soon as possible.

But just as I stepped outside, I found that this rare early bird moment had incurred the wrath of the heavens.

Almost like it wass waiting for me to open the door...

"It's raining already?"

I put the key to my bike back with one hand, stretched the other to grab an umbrella and said the previous sentence.

From a slight drizzle to a pitter-pattering plum rain to a thunderstorm. It took less than thirty seconds.

Like a warning to keep me from stepping out of the house, the close patches of dark clouds along with the volume of rainfall must have obscured at least ten percent of the sky.

There was no thunder.

I endured the pattering rain as I approached the train station, where the trio from yesterday was waiting.

Sasaki carried a blue foldable umbrella, Tachibana Kyoko a name-brand "Fer" or something. Like a genetically-similar replica of Nagato, Suou Kuyoh donned the uniform of her girls' school, with a transparent umbrella that looked like it was from a convenience store. The rain demonstrated the radically different personalities of the three.

Kuyoh's extraordinarily long black hair had already exceeded the surface area protectable by a convenience store umbrella but did not appear to have been drenched in rain. She also seemed transparent to bystanders. To disprove that hypothesis, passers-by would lean away if their umbrellas could come into contact with hers.

Oh yeah, the time traveling Itsuki hasn't shown his face yet. Did he turn into some color-shifting sticky note by any chance?

"No, he's in the coffee shop," Sasaki replied. "I wouldn't stand outside and wait for anyone in this rain, especially if I'm waiting for you... that was what he said. So we had him reserve a seat for all of us away from the rain."

What a self-righteous Itsuki. Seems his character hadn't changed a bit after two months, though I have no idea how many days had passed for him.

"It seems that you both have a deep hatred for each other. I haven't heard anything about the incident from you, but I guess that kind of relationship beats not knowing each other at all." Sasaki laughed her normal laugh. "I am not worried now. If he really had ill intentions, he would not be making things so obvious. I decided to take a similar approach."

Even more unforgivable. If he hates this time frame so much he shouldn’t be here. He should at least learn from Asahina-san. It's not easy to find someone devoting so much of themselves into tea-making in this day and age.

Sasaki laughed softly.

"I want to drink tea brewed by Asahina-san too. Could I if I visit North High? I should have visited your cultural festival last year, what a waste. But I will definitely be there this year."

Of course I won’t say something like "it's better if you don't visit."

"There's nothing wrong if you want to visit. But our cultural festival never has anything very interesting - "

"Hey..."

Tachibana Kyoko darted in between Sasaki and I. She held up her umbrella to keep from hitting us.

"Can we keep the chit-chat to when it's just you two? The reason I called for you today..." She cleared her throat and looked darkly at us. "...is because I have a few very important things to talk about. I should have told Sasaki-san about them earlier."

"Sorry", Sasaki said, smiling. "I didn't forget, I just pretended to. Honestly, I have no idea how to say them out loud."

Kuyoh remained motionless during this interchange like a 1:1 ratio model. Does she have that much of a problem with our kind of language?

Tachibana Kyoko continued. "We need to get going. I have a feeling that our ambassador from the future is in that shop running out of patience. We're close to our agreed meeting time anyway."

As Tachibana Kyoko walked off Kuyoh followed close behind, not showing any sign of acknowledgement, moving slightly faster than an umbrella-wielding Ksitigarbha carrying a heavy sack along a snow-covered path. [http://www.baka-tsuki.net/project/index ... sitigarbha]. Her face lacked any hint of scarlet and carried a pair of tired eyes that could make you think she's about to fall asleep. I don't know if this alien has low blood pressure or just can't handle the humidity, for her state of being seems to vary on a day-to-day basis. If Nagato is diamond dust, then Kuyoh gives off the feeling of peony snow [http://www.baka-tsuki.net/project/index ... peony_snow].

Sasaki and Tachibana Kyoko treated Kuyoh like she was transparent. They probably did that because they knew she would follow them. It was a lot like Haruhi and Nagato.

Kuyoh moved in a very predictable manner. Although her steps were close together she wasn't slow-moving, keeping a constant distance from us. And as I walked I discovered...

Coincidentally, we were headed to the usual meeting place of the SOS Brigade, the coffee shop where the tab is picked up by one particular member ninety-nine percent of the time. Me.

Like I thought, the two walking in front paused for a second in front of the automatic sliding door, and a man holding a glass with an unhappy face glared from inside.

He saw us when he raised his head, and curled his lips in a disinterested fashion.

His grin was the same as when I met him by the flower bed last February, a darker version of Koizumi's smile..

Do they need to copy the SOS Brigade that much? It's really making me uneasy. I'm sitting at the exact same spot as yesterday with the exact same member formation, Sasaki beside me and the supernatural trio opposite.

Even when the waitress left after putting our drinks on the table, five mouths, including mine, remained motionless.

I stared at the time traveler, name still unknown, while Sasaki and Tachibana Kyoko showed relieved expressions. Kuyoh was silent and stiff as a clay doll. The atmosphere was like the final council of war in a castle surrounded by a massive enemy army, ready to fall any time...

Automatically taking up emcee duty, Tachibana Kyoko. "I know many things have happened..."

With that as the opening statement.

"But I'm very excited now. Do you all know how long I have been waiting for this day to come? We can finally stand at the starting line together. Thank you for giving me this chance."

She bowed at me. [[Image:Sh_v09_ch02_02.jpg|thumb| He saw us when he raised his head, and curled his lips in a disinterested fashion.'']]

"I would also like to thank Sasaki-san, troubling you so suddenly for this. I really am sorry."

"Hm." Sasaki uttered a syllable, raised her head and looked at me. "Kyon, can you please not wear that scary expression? At least listen to what she has to say. I wish to refer to your conjecture on this. After all, you should be more knowledgeable about such matters. My intuition and analytical skills are not that superior, and thus I often rely on the examples and experiences of others. Because of that, your presence here is reassuring to me, since I have no one to refer to this time."

I adjusted my gaze away from the face of the time-traveling Asahina-san stand-in – the face that would not nourish my eyes no matter how I look at it.

"Make this short and simple."

I tried to sound as serious as I could, but all I got was a cold laugh from the time traveler. Infuriating.

"First, your name."

If you just stay some anonymous time traveler, my opinion of you will just keep circling the drain.

Facing my second round of deadly stares, face full of sarcasm, he spoke up. It was a voice that I had been waiting for for two long months.

"Names are nothing but a sign of acquaintance."

The ridiculing tone was just like I remembered. He shifted his body for a bit, seemed a bit uneasy.

"I don't care what you call me. It wouldn't mean a thing anyway. Just like you people changing Asahina Mikuru to Asahina Michiru. What a joke."

You sure love making negative comments, don’t you. I should have given my sister the ticket of approval to come along. Just a sentence or two from this guy is could bring one's emotions to the bottom of the pit. And how could Asahina-san be pointless?

"Even then," Sasaki said to him, "In this era - even if it isn't a real name - a salutation would make things easier. It doesn't matter if it's an official position or informal status, like an imperial guard or government representative. That would do. Just tell Kyon."

"Fujiwara," The time traveler unexpectedly replied. "Just call me that."

"Well, that’s what he said." Hearing this obviously fake name, Sasaki shrugged at me. "With that, the introductions are over."

I suppose that kind of counts as us knowing each other. But that's not what I came here for. I could call you time traveler dude, Asahina kidnapper, Sky Canopy Dominion alien or whatever suitable nickname, without this concern about salutations.

"Um." Tachibana Kyoko followed. "Next we move to the main agenda." After deliberately clearing her throat a few times, the esper girl flanked by an alien and a time traveler smiled like a door-to-door saleswoman.

"We believe that the real god is not Suzumiya-san, but Sasaki-san here."

It was like she had dropped a bomb.

A sip of my drink was still in my mouth cavity and the thought of spitting it on her face flashed through my mind, but I decided against it. And so I swallowed that mouthful and set the glass on the table before continuing. "What did you say?"

"I meant what I said literally. What don't you understand?" Tachibana Kyoko flashed a bright expression and gave a sigh of relief. "Phew... it's finally out there. I have been wanting to tell you this, but I simply had no chance to. I have kept this buried in my heart for quite some time now. It's good that Koizumi-kun isn't around. I even thought of transferring into your school this spring, but those people are really scary. They reaffirmed that not too long ago. I really don't want to see Mori-san again."

Kyoko’s satisfied expression while she laughed was no different from any normal high school girl.

"That's how it is. Koizumi-kun was given responsiblity for Suzumiya-san's well-being, as we did for Sasaki-san. But both the aliens and time travelers were on Suzumiya-san's side. I was uneasy, lonely and helpless."

She glanced at the two beside her and continued.

"This is my only way to prevent destruction by a similar group. Koizumi-kun may have Asahina Mikuru-san and Nagato Yuki-san but we don't. We needed reinforcements, and I'm glad they're finally assembled."

I seriously cannot take this at face value. If Haruhi is not the kind of god Koizumi's talks about, what have I been doing for the past year?. I was almost killed by Asakura Ryoko (I was actually stabbed once), an endless summer vacation, messing around with time planes, taking orders from the future, and, more than that, being dragged around like a pawn by Haruhi's sudden impulses. Nagato even went on a rampage... if Haruhi isn't a mysterious-events-generating machine, how was all of that possible?

"That represents only one of many, many viewpoints. Why should there only be one reality? The surface is just a façade and the truth is far beneath. Isn't that a common device in detective stories?"

If you want to discuss mysteries, look for Koizumi. If you want to talk about novels, look for Nagato.

"Sasaki," I said. "Do you really believe in all this?"

Sasaki raised her head from the menu.

"Honestly, I've always been intrigued by this. I'm not very interested in myself and I don't have any strong desires. Even if I could achieve deification, I don't think I should. Even when I play American football, I prefer to play as the quarterback. I would be happy just to live a life that doesn't trouble others. I hate attention seekers and I feel offended when I meet them." She waved her hands to catch the waitress's attention. "We haven't ordered anything yet. Has everyone decided?"

That prankster smile is the same as the one she took to our middle-school classroom.

The waitress, casually dressed with a simple apron, bustled over to take our orders. The only order anyone made was Sasaki for four cups of hot coffee.

Time traveler Fujiwara and alien Kuyoh said nothing, snorting a little and exuding an extreme silence respectively. A little part of me wants to know what the people around us think about us. It would be difficult to get the idea that this is just a group of high school kids, even with the power of extra-positive thinking. I had a growing feeling that next to that, the SOS Brigade looked normal.

Tachibana Kyoko, first to speak, broke the ice again.

"So this is it. You have heard it from Koizumi-kun as well? I mean the talk about Suzumiya-san creating this world about four years ago. She unconsciously wields a strange power, one that creates closed spaces corresponding to her mental state. Koizumi-kun and the rest were suddenly enlightened and formed the 'Organization,' extant today. Suzumiya-san's continued to grant her own wishes, bringing aliens and time travelers to her side. But my companions and I believe that that power originally belonged to Sasaki-san."

You and your companions can believe whatever you want. Imagination has no shackles. But it's if something actually happens. This is a country governed by law, and kidnapping is a major crime.

"About that, I'd like to apologize. It was unlikely to succeed from the start, mostly due to strong interference from the future. At least it wasn't completely fruitless, since we brought our existence to your attention. That was a great step forward for us."

If I was the moon, I'd probably be wondering, "Why are you leaving strange footprints on me?"

"Four years ago."

Tachibana Kyoko talked as if she were telling her friends about the drama series she watched yesterday.

"Without any warning, I realized that I had gained some kind of power. I do not know the cause of this phenomenon, or why I was chosen and not someone else. What I do know is that I am not the only one chosen, that there are other companions, and that all of this originated from one person."

That shining pair of eyes cast a glance at me.

"And that person is Sasaki-san. Even before I gave thought to it, I knew she was the source of my powers. I began my quest to find Sasaki-san, meeting my companions along the way. Every one of them shares that same belief."

I thought of the members of the kidnapping syndicate I had seen get out of the van.

"While we were debating whether we should make contact with Sasaki-san, and how to go about that if we did, we found something very strange. Another group very similar to ours already existed; even its members resembled us. Except that they were concentrating on a person that was not Sasaki-san."

The 'Organization.'

"Yes, the ones who view Suzumiya-san as a god. Conflicts broke out between us over that false belief. We met with them many times to gently correct them but they claimed that we were the ones upholding incorrect principles. Nothing we tried could make them believe us. We are unable to accept their views, and it seems impossible for them to accept ours. Eventually we discussed breaking off..."

Tachibana Kyoko seemed to be looking nonchalantly into a great distance for a moment, then she turned her eyes back at me.

"Since then we haven't met at all."

"What happened next?" I said. Could there be any other viewpoints? "What exactly do you want?"

The representative from the faction opposite the 'Organization' let out a huge sigh.

"We firmly believe that the powers Suzumiya-san has at this moment rightfully belong to Sasaki-san. There must have been a mistake somewhere that made them transfer to another person. Therefore, I want to return things back to how they was. Should I succeed, the world will move in a much better direction."

After that, she looked straight at me.

"I hope to enlist your help as well."

"Sasaki." I escaped from that stare. "Whatever she said, what do you think?"
User avatar
Kaisos Erranon
Astral Realm

Re: Major Chapter 2 Enhancement

Post by Kaisos Erranon »

quigonkenny wrote:I can't wait until the official official translation gives me a different term to lord over everyone... ^_^
Isn't Vol. 9 out in like 5 years?
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quigonkenny
Temporal Time Variant Entity
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Re: Major Chapter 2 Enhancement

Post by quigonkenny »

Kaisos Erranon wrote:
quigonkenny wrote:I can't wait until the official official translation gives me a different term to lord over everyone... ^_^
Isn't Vol. 9 out in like 5 years?
I can wait...

Maybe Volume 10 will be out by then...
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deskoh91
Astral Realm

Re: Major Chapter 2 Enhancement

Post by deskoh91 »

jesse* wrote:
Well, if that's your only problem, there's an easy fix for that:
My own stupid mistake.

Gone through as far as alpha-3, and I'll be updating my edits for the first part. Story so far:
Spoiler! :
I'd been wanting to clarify. I didn't need IFF to confirm[http://www.baka-tsuki.net/project/index ... _Notes#IFF] them as alien, time traveler and esper foe. And since they'd decided to come together I wouldn't have to waste any effort tracking them down.

"Be careful not to catch a cold after your bath. And please send my greetings to your parents."

She gently hung up.

I got out of the bathtub, put on my pajamas and hurried to my room.


'''β-2'''

I grabbed the phone Shamisen was lying on and dialed a number. He picked up after one ring.

"Koizumi."

I admire how fast you answer the phone. It's like you're on standby.

"That is because I felt you would be contacting me soon. In fact, your call was later than I expected. I thought you would call me right after dismissal."

I called you just after Sasaki called me. I'd have to put superluminal particles [http://www.baka-tsuki.net/project/index ... _particles] in the phone line if you wanted me to be any faster.

"This topic is not our primary interest. So did the other side initiate contact? I expected you to call whether or not Sasaki-san called you. Didn't you have some questions for me?"

"Do you know about Tachibana Kyoko?"

"Of course I do. After all, her faction has a totally different ideology than the 'Organization', which makes them a competitor."

I really want to know how that competition takes place. I suppose it's not some kind of isolated guerilla warfare. Maybe a war with super powers in closed space?

"That would be interesting if possible. Unfortunately it isn’t that simple - she is not able to enter Suzumiya-san's closed spaces. Tachibana Kyoko and her group are not so different from my own 'Organization.' Our activities are based on a similar philosophy but with different explanations behind it. I guess you could put it that way."

And that's the theory where Haruhi is some kind of god who created the world three - well, four - years ago?

"That is the simplest way of putting it, but it's still an unprovable hypothesis. Many in the 'Organization' hold this belief, but we all agree that she is the source of our powers.”

And Tachibana Kyoko?

"She is part of a group of people that do not have esper powers but insist that they do. They are a group unable to acknowledge Haruhi as a god. Maybe they were ordinary civilians that found out about our powers and wanted to share the spotlight. I know how that feels."

Koizumi almost sounded like he pitied Kyoko's group.

"So, what did Sasaki-san say?"

"I'll meet with them tomorrow."

I told him about my conversation with Sasaki.

"I don't know why, but I think they've got something to tell me. And I've got a little something to tell them, too.”

Koizumi chuckled, then continued:

"Let me add to that. Tachibana Kyoko will not attempt any violent acts on you or Suzumiya-san. She was actually very critical of the kidnapping incident. The problem was with whoever lost their composure listening to that time-traveller. Kyoko and her people value you just as much as they do Suzumiya-san. The real wildcard is Nagato-san's opposite. Her thoughts are even more of a mystery than those of the IDSE."

After telling me to be careful, Koizumi ended the call. The reason why we did not have a longer chat is because I know the above is enough for Koizumi to know what I meant. If I am kidnapped then, I would have to trouble you.

"Next..."

Would be Nagato.

I don't even need a phone book to remember her number now.

This time the phone rang three times.

"..."

"Nagato, it's me."

"..."

"So, about tomorrow..."

Even without a reply, the silence on the other end of the line was enough to tell me who I was talking to. I continued without any response until I said, "So, tomorrow, I'll be meeting that alien I met today."

"I see."

Nagato's voice, emotionless.

"If Sasaki wasn't lying, they wanted to settle this peacefully. Koizumi thinks so too. That is why I wanted your opinion."

"..."

And after a period of silence about as long as it takes to look up a word in the dictionary...

"Currently there is little danger. This matter can be approached without concern."

Coming from Nagato, this was extremely convincing. I could feel my entire body relaxing.

"The Integrated Data Sentient Entity is currently putting all effort into analyzing their reports."

"Have you caught any actual information?"

"Not yet. The only determinable information at this stage is that it is a macro-spatial quantum cosmic existence."

"Have you communicated with Suou Kuyoh?"

"Unable to find a common link. Thought process remains unclear."

So the mysterious alien is still a mystery.

I was wondering if I could catch Kuyoh and send her to some kind of alien development organization when Nagato continued.

"Their salutation has been standardized temporarily."

"Oh, tell me about it then."

"Sky Canopy Dominion," monotoned Nagato, without even trying to be dramatic.

"From what we see, they came from above the sky."

'''α-2'''

After I helped my sister with her homework, I left Shamisen with her and went back to my room. I took the phone from my bed and called a number. He picked up after one ring.

"Koizumi."

I admire how fast you answer the phone. It's like you're on standby.

"That is because I felt you would be contacting me soon. In fact, your call was later than I expected. I thought you would call me right after dismissal."

I'm not that impatient. Honestly, I just needed some time to arrange my thoughts.

"What exactly is going on with those chicks we met this morning?"

"I would ask you the same. But there is not much to say about what happened on Tachibana Kyoko’s side. I had long been expecting their faction to run out of patience and take action. That kidnapping incident was just a taste of what's to come, although we cannot say it was what Tachibana Kyoko wanted to happen."

I wasn't expecting you to speak for the other side.

"I do not wish to fight any unnecessary battles. A violent confrontation just isn't my style. Fortunately for all of us, Tachibana Kyoko is tractable enough, albeit only just so. After all, a rational opponent is better than an ignorant ally. At this juncture, the best outcome for both would be if they remain bystanders. Spring is near when winter begins. That would be much better than remaining in a cold war footing."

Don't use those words. They're causing attrition on my nerves.

"There is another possibility. The time traveller may be giving them weird ideas again. Even Nagato-san's opponent has made an appearance. I suppose they would have to take action now."

What exactly are they trying to accomplish?

"Tachibana Kyoko and her group are not so different from my own 'Organization.' Our activities are based on a similar philosophy but with different explanations behind it. They simply wanted to minimize their own possibility making a mistake. I can understand this because I find it equally valid. The reason we have superpowers is because Suzumiya-san bestowed them upon us. That is an unwavering fact."

And that's the theory where Haruhi is some kind of god who created the world three - well, four - years ago?

"This is not a matter of believing or not believing. Even if we remove the word 'god,' the undeniable truth is that Suzumiya-san is the creator of closed spaces and Avatars, and that the reason we exist is to control that situation. I knew this from the beginning and it would be problematic if it changed now. So, this is something I am not willing to make concessions for."

“It would be best if we could resolve this through rational debate,” Koizumi continued with the tone of a bystander.

"Tachibana Kyoko and Sasaki-san are fine. At least they're from our time frame, possess similar values, and are easy to monitor. After all, they are humans like us. The unpredictable one would be the alien not belonging to the Integrated Data Sentient Entity, Suou Kuyoh. I'm afraid that from our viewpoint she is the monomer with no similar variants. We know nothing about her methods and less about her motives. Next to her, you could even say time travelers and such would be 'cute'."

It is a truth universally acknowledged that Asahina-san is cute, but I don't think that holds for all time travelers.

"I agree. On our team Asahina-san is more of the needs-protection type. After all, she is an irresistibly cute young woman, we couldn't possibly just leave her alone. But we don't want them to bring their future conflicts to the past either. I suppose our problems with time travelers should just be solved by the time travelers themselves."

“Otherwise they would just be irresponsible,” Koizumi added.

"Anything other than that can be taken care of by Nagato-san and myself. You too, if you see any evil claws reaching for Suzumiya-san, I don’t suppose you'll be sitting still either?"

Of course. After all, she is our brigade leader.

"We will wait for the other party to act. Right now there's not much we need to think about it. Because no matter what, Suzumiya-san is still on our side."


'''β-3'''

By the time I was off the phone with Nagato, my sister was next to me impatiently holding her schoolwork.

And she just left it on the floor and played with Shamisen instead. After she had her fun and finished her work an hour had gone by. You can tell she's related to me when you see her with her homework. She can do the four fundamental operations of arithmetic [http://www.baka-tsuki.net/project/index ... Arithmetic], but if the question has any kind of twist it totally throws off her groove.

I gave her back her pencil, paper and practice books along with the answers I'd worked out. "If that's it, back to your room. And take Shamisen. He's really heavy and he always takes too much of the covers."

"Shami~ want to sleep together?"

The calico cat raised his head, cast a doubtful glance at my sister, and slowly walked over to my blanket.

"He says no."

My sister seemed pleased as she left with her work, skipping out like a dancer out of the room. By her standards, she's being obedient. You get bonus point for this one.

I turned on the TV. There was nothing on but I flipped through the channels as I thought about the next morning. Probably better to be mentally prepared.

I might as well sleep early tonight.
And thanks for answering my questions, deskoh. You're a man among men. I would assume.

If you're up for the next round (and if you're not deskoh pitch in anyway), the first few are just stylistic choices.
  • The God Haruhi theory. I left it without a name so far, but we could call it Haruhiism. That would be fun.
  • I had Koizumi use the IDSE's initials rather than say the whole thing, but do you think we should call them Data Overlords? Not quite as cool-sounding but more official.
  • When Kyon talks about sending Kuyoh to an alien development institution, maybe he's talking about some Japanese equivalent of Area 51?
  • Are they the Sky Canopy Domain or Dominion? I liked Domain better, and that was in the older translation.
These next are questions about the translation.
  • The groups have differing "ideologies." What's the original word used? Ideology might be the best translation but I'm not sure.
  • The IDSE is analyzing reports. Their own reports I would assume?
  • When Koizumi talks about spring being near when winter begins is he saying it's a suitable time for action or not?
  • Koizumi's thoughts cause attrition on Kyon's nerves. What's the original phrase?
  • In the first translation Kuyoh was the monomer, you added "no similar variants" in the enhancement. Were you just explaining what a monomer is?
  • Kyon conveniently turns on the TV. Is he talking weird or was that the best word you could find?
  • This one's for the crowd. Koizumi uses a tone "like a bystander." I'd ask you guys for a better phrase.
Sorry for the unconstructive criticism, I was hoping some other of you good people would pitch in and help us write. Wiki magic where my imagination fails.

The God Haruhi theory. I left it without a name so far, but we could call it Haruhiism. That would be fun.


well "The God Haruhi Theory" (春日神化论) is what they said. if you wanna change it, its best to be democratic and vote lol.

I had Koizumi use the IDSE's initials rather than say the whole thing, but do you think we should call them Data Overlords? Not quite as cool-sounding but more official.

I believe IDSE has been standardised for a long time coming and most readers would have gotten used to the term.

When Kyon talks about sending Kuyoh to an alien development institution, maybe he's talking about some Japanese equivalent of Area 51?

literally a development institution, probably like a R&D lab for aliens.

Are they the Sky Canopy Domain or Dominion? I liked Domain better, and that was in the older translation.

I heard they standardised Sky Canopy Dominion through a poll. but I wasnt active during that time.


These next are questions about the translation.

The groups have differing "ideologies." What's the original word used? Ideology might be the best translation but I'm not sure.

its a chinese copy: 信仰

The IDSE is analyzing reports. Their own reports I would assume?

yes, the data they gathered.

When Koizumi talks about spring being near when winter begins is he saying it's a suitable time for action or not?

I cant really make sense of it other than the melting of snow in spring, which would signal the end of the cold war between them (since koizumi used "Ice Age" to describe their cold war)

Koizumi's thoughts cause attrition on Kyon's nerves. What's the original phrase?

literally attrition: 磨损

In the first translation Kuyoh was the monomer, you added "no similar variants" in the enhancement. Were you just explaining what a monomer is?

nope, they did go on to explain. maybe I rephrased it?

Kyon conveniently turns on the TV. Is he talking weird or was that the best word you could find?

maybe convenient is the wrong word. he turned it on cos he has nothing else to do. (我随手打开了电视)

This one's for the crowd. Koizumi uses a tone "like a bystander." I'd ask you guys for a better phrase.

looks like its resolved. "with the tone of a bystander."
User avatar
deskoh91
Astral Realm

Re: Major Chapter 2 Enhancement

Post by deskoh91 »

jesse* wrote:Edited the first part a little from deskoh's suggestions, though I suppose this is a wiki, reaching perfection bit by bit. Technically.

Have edited to partway through the coffee shop.

Style:
  • Would enough people know what he means for Kyon to say R&R? It seems like a Kyonish thing to say.
  • Sasaki apparently plays gridiron football. In the first, literal translation she just says football, then American football in the enhancement. In the next sentence she mentions a quarterback so that should define it (along with Tanigawa being an American football fan).
  • Kyoko gets a distant look when she thinks of when the esper groups split and I don't like my paragraph on it. Someone please fix it.
Grammar:
  • First run, Nagato has an alien seminar (I recall). Enhancement, alien Nagato has a seminar. Which one is alien? Or are they both?
  • First run Shamisen has an exhausted face and croaks. Enhancement he looks exhausted and purrs. Not terribly important I suppose.
  • The cruel truth Kyon keeps from his sister includes... aliens being clever? That does not seem cruel.
  • Kuyoh's state of being seems to vary on a day-to-day basis and I'm not sure what that means.
  • Kyoko picks up the bundle as the emcee. I found that awkward. I replaced it but maybe there's some compromise that makes it more Kyonish.
  • When Fujiwara picks a name, Sasaki suggests something from an ancient imperial guard or maybe a government official in the first run, in the enhancement "fat or skinny chairman." I went with the original because it sounded cooler.
  • Kyoko bomb dropping. Probably a better way than how I edited it.
  • What Kyoko thought about the kidnapping plan and what Sasaki thinks about her powers are a little unclear.
  • Related to the style list. Sasaki doesn't like being influential so she likes playing as the quarterback. Either she's being ironic, Tanigawa doesn't know football like he thinks he does, or the Chinese translator doesn't know football like he thinks he does. Probably the third.
Story so far.
Spoiler! :
'''α-3'''

After I called Koizumi, I debating calling Nagato as well. When I realized I didn't have much to ask about I put the phone back beside my bed.

If Kuyoh were some kind of harbinger of death for Nagato I'm sure she wouldn't be quiet about it. Besides, tomorrow is a normal Sunday our merciful leader has bestowed upon us. I'll just take the chance to rest.

However reluctant I get I'll still meet her at school on Monday. If I visit the clubroom during lunch, I'll be able to listen to alien Nagato's seminar anyway.

I had almost picked up that book I still need to return when a scratching sound came from the door. I opened the door and Shamisen crawled, purring exhaustedly. He climbed onto the bed, rolled into a ball and fell asleep without even thanking the doorman.

Ah, another reminder that the lives of cats are as eternal as the world's[http://www.baka-tsuki.net/project/index ... _Notes#The lives of the cats are as eternal as the world’s].


'''α-4'''

Next day, Sunday.

I didn't do much; read some books, played some games, savouring my time alone. I made it to evening without anything interesting happening. I value my rare, happy unHaruhi rest days.

Tomorrow is about to start. The melancholy-inducing Sunday night is about to pass, the start of another week, existing only to bring another weekend, a new odd-numbered day of the week.

Monday is almost here.


'''β-4'''

Next day, Sunday.

I was up by seven. Thirty minutes from the ring of the alarm clock to full out-the-door readiness.

I have never as much time wasted by breakfast and washing up. I had enough time for a litte more sleep, but if tried for a tiny nap now I wouldn't wake up for another two hours.

All I can do is read the morning paper in the kitchen. My little sister, so proud of always being first in the family to wake up, stared in disbelief.

"Wow, Kyon woke up before me two days in a row. Why~?"

What is there to 'why' about? I am a high school student, naturally more busy than a sixth grader. When you're older the older you will wistfully reminisce about the present-day you, so take the time to enjoy grade school to its fullest. And don't write things in your graduating speech that make people laugh at you.

"Ohh~ where are you all going today? Will Haruhi be there too?"

If I answered honestly, she'd want to tag along. While Sasaki may be understanding enough, that time traveler would just give us one of his disgusting glares. No, I should let her come along just to get back at them.

"I'm meeting with some middle school friends."

I eventually decided to turn her away. There would be plenty of chances to meet Sasaki later; more than that, I don't want to expose my dear little sister to harsh reality so soon. She has had a pure and innocent upbringing and still believes in Santa Claus. Knowing that aliens are actually extremely clever and time travellers are smug bastards that piss people off... destroying fantasies like would just be cruel.

You stay home with Shamisen instead. If Haruhi calls, go think of some cover-up. You have liberty to come up with any excuse you please. But be careful: you are not to mention the name "Sasaki." Not even "Sa."

"O~kay."

My sister rushed off to wash up, feet thumping across the house.

Now is my chance. It's still really early, but I should set off as soon as possible. If my sister quizzes me later and I end up revealing something important I'll have even more trouble to deal with. I feel uneasy all over waiting at home anyway, with this unbearable urge to wrap up today as soon as possible.

But just as I stepped outside, I found that this rare early bird moment had incurred the wrath of the heavens.

Almost like it wass waiting for me to open the door...

"It's raining already?"

I put the key to my bike back with one hand, stretched the other to grab an umbrella and said the previous sentence.

From a slight drizzle to a pitter-pattering plum rain to a thunderstorm. It took less than thirty seconds.

Like a warning to keep me from stepping out of the house, the close patches of dark clouds along with the volume of rainfall must have obscured at least ten percent of the sky.

There was no thunder.

I endured the pattering rain as I approached the train station, where the trio from yesterday was waiting.

Sasaki carried a blue foldable umbrella, Tachibana Kyoko a name-brand "Fer" or something. Like a genetically-similar replica of Nagato, Suou Kuyoh donned the uniform of her girls' school, with a transparent umbrella that looked like it was from a convenience store. The rain demonstrated the radically different personalities of the three.

Kuyoh's extraordinarily long black hair had already exceeded the surface area protectable by a convenience store umbrella but did not appear to have been drenched in rain. She also seemed transparent to bystanders. To disprove that hypothesis, passers-by would lean away if their umbrellas could come into contact with hers.

Oh yeah, the time traveling Itsuki hasn't shown his face yet. Did he turn into some color-shifting sticky note by any chance?

"No, he's in the coffee shop," Sasaki replied. "I wouldn't stand outside and wait for anyone in this rain, especially if I'm waiting for you... that was what he said. So we had him reserve a seat for all of us away from the rain."

What a self-righteous Itsuki. Seems his character hadn't changed a bit after two months, though I have no idea how many days had passed for him.

"It seems that you both have a deep hatred for each other. I haven't heard anything about the incident from you, but I guess that kind of relationship beats not knowing each other at all." Sasaki laughed her normal laugh. "I am not worried now. If he really had ill intentions, he would not be making things so obvious. I decided to take a similar approach."

Even more unforgivable. If he hates this time frame so much he shouldn’t be here. He should at least learn from Asahina-san. It's not easy to find someone devoting so much of themselves into tea-making in this day and age.

Sasaki laughed softly.

"I want to drink tea brewed by Asahina-san too. Could I if I visit North High? I should have visited your cultural festival last year, what a waste. But I will definitely be there this year."

Of course I won’t say something like "it's better if you don't visit."

"There's nothing wrong if you want to visit. But our cultural festival never has anything very interesting - "

"Hey..."

Tachibana Kyoko darted in between Sasaki and I. She held up her umbrella to keep from hitting us.

"Can we keep the chit-chat to when it's just you two? The reason I called for you today..." She cleared her throat and looked darkly at us. "...is because I have a few very important things to talk about. I should have told Sasaki-san about them earlier."

"Sorry", Sasaki said, smiling. "I didn't forget, I just pretended to. Honestly, I have no idea how to say them out loud."

Kuyoh remained motionless during this interchange like a 1:1 ratio model. Does she have that much of a problem with our kind of language?

Tachibana Kyoko continued. "We need to get going. I have a feeling that our ambassador from the future is in that shop running out of patience. We're close to our agreed meeting time anyway."

As Tachibana Kyoko walked off Kuyoh followed close behind, not showing any sign of acknowledgement, moving slightly faster than an umbrella-wielding Ksitigarbha carrying a heavy sack along a snow-covered path. [http://www.baka-tsuki.net/project/index ... sitigarbha]. Her face lacked any hint of scarlet and carried a pair of tired eyes that could make you think she's about to fall asleep. I don't know if this alien has low blood pressure or just can't handle the humidity, for her state of being seems to vary on a day-to-day basis. If Nagato is diamond dust, then Kuyoh gives off the feeling of peony snow [http://www.baka-tsuki.net/project/index ... peony_snow].

Sasaki and Tachibana Kyoko treated Kuyoh like she was transparent. They probably did that because they knew she would follow them. It was a lot like Haruhi and Nagato.

Kuyoh moved in a very predictable manner. Although her steps were close together she wasn't slow-moving, keeping a constant distance from us. And as I walked I discovered...

Coincidentally, we were headed to the usual meeting place of the SOS Brigade, the coffee shop where the tab is picked up by one particular member ninety-nine percent of the time. Me.

Like I thought, the two walking in front paused for a second in front of the automatic sliding door, and a man holding a glass with an unhappy face glared from inside.

He saw us when he raised his head, and curled his lips in a disinterested fashion.

His grin was the same as when I met him by the flower bed last February, a darker version of Koizumi's smile..

Do they need to copy the SOS Brigade that much? It's really making me uneasy. I'm sitting at the exact same spot as yesterday with the exact same member formation, Sasaki beside me and the supernatural trio opposite.

Even when the waitress left after putting our drinks on the table, five mouths, including mine, remained motionless.

I stared at the time traveler, name still unknown, while Sasaki and Tachibana Kyoko showed relieved expressions. Kuyoh was silent and stiff as a clay doll. The atmosphere was like the final council of war in a castle surrounded by a massive enemy army, ready to fall any time...

Automatically taking up emcee duty, Tachibana Kyoko. "I know many things have happened..."

With that as the opening statement.

"But I'm very excited now. Do you all know how long I have been waiting for this day to come? We can finally stand at the starting line together. Thank you for giving me this chance."

She bowed at me. [[Image:Sh_v09_ch02_02.jpg|thumb| He saw us when he raised his head, and curled his lips in a disinterested fashion.'']]

"I would also like to thank Sasaki-san, troubling you so suddenly for this. I really am sorry."

"Hm." Sasaki uttered a syllable, raised her head and looked at me. "Kyon, can you please not wear that scary expression? At least listen to what she has to say. I wish to refer to your conjecture on this. After all, you should be more knowledgeable about such matters. My intuition and analytical skills are not that superior, and thus I often rely on the examples and experiences of others. Because of that, your presence here is reassuring to me, since I have no one to refer to this time."

I adjusted my gaze away from the face of the time-traveling Asahina-san stand-in – the face that would not nourish my eyes no matter how I look at it.

"Make this short and simple."

I tried to sound as serious as I could, but all I got was a cold laugh from the time traveler. Infuriating.

"First, your name."

If you just stay some anonymous time traveler, my opinion of you will just keep circling the drain.

Facing my second round of deadly stares, face full of sarcasm, he spoke up. It was a voice that I had been waiting for for two long months.

"Names are nothing but a sign of acquaintance."

The ridiculing tone was just like I remembered. He shifted his body for a bit, seemed a bit uneasy.

"I don't care what you call me. It wouldn't mean a thing anyway. Just like you people changing Asahina Mikuru to Asahina Michiru. What a joke."

You sure love making negative comments, don’t you. I should have given my sister the ticket of approval to come along. Just a sentence or two from this guy is could bring one's emotions to the bottom of the pit. And how could Asahina-san be pointless?

"Even then," Sasaki said to him, "In this era - even if it isn't a real name - a salutation would make things easier. It doesn't matter if it's an official position or informal status, like an imperial guard or government representative. That would do. Just tell Kyon."

"Fujiwara," The time traveler unexpectedly replied. "Just call me that."

"Well, that’s what he said." Hearing this obviously fake name, Sasaki shrugged at me. "With that, the introductions are over."

I suppose that kind of counts as us knowing each other. But that's not what I came here for. I could call you time traveler dude, Asahina kidnapper, Sky Canopy Dominion alien or whatever suitable nickname, without this concern about salutations.

"Um." Tachibana Kyoko followed. "Next we move to the main agenda." After deliberately clearing her throat a few times, the esper girl flanked by an alien and a time traveler smiled like a door-to-door saleswoman.

"We believe that the real god is not Suzumiya-san, but Sasaki-san here."

It was like she had dropped a bomb.

A sip of my drink was still in my mouth cavity and the thought of spitting it on her face flashed through my mind, but I decided against it. And so I swallowed that mouthful and set the glass on the table before continuing. "What did you say?"

"I meant what I said literally. What don't you understand?" Tachibana Kyoko flashed a bright expression and gave a sigh of relief. "Phew... it's finally out there. I have been wanting to tell you this, but I simply had no chance to. I have kept this buried in my heart for quite some time now. It's good that Koizumi-kun isn't around. I even thought of transferring into your school this spring, but those people are really scary. They reaffirmed that not too long ago. I really don't want to see Mori-san again."

Kyoko’s satisfied expression while she laughed was no different from any normal high school girl.

"That's how it is. Koizumi-kun was given responsiblity for Suzumiya-san's well-being, as we did for Sasaki-san. But both the aliens and time travelers were on Suzumiya-san's side. I was uneasy, lonely and helpless."

She glanced at the two beside her and continued.

"This is my only way to prevent destruction by a similar group. Koizumi-kun may have Asahina Mikuru-san and Nagato Yuki-san but we don't. We needed reinforcements, and I'm glad they're finally assembled."

I seriously cannot take this at face value. If Haruhi is not the kind of god Koizumi's talks about, what have I been doing for the past year?. I was almost killed by Asakura Ryoko (I was actually stabbed once), an endless summer vacation, messing around with time planes, taking orders from the future, and, more than that, being dragged around like a pawn by Haruhi's sudden impulses. Nagato even went on a rampage... if Haruhi isn't a mysterious-events-generating machine, how was all of that possible?

"That represents only one of many, many viewpoints. Why should there only be one reality? The surface is just a façade and the truth is far beneath. Isn't that a common device in detective stories?"

If you want to discuss mysteries, look for Koizumi. If you want to talk about novels, look for Nagato.

"Sasaki," I said. "Do you really believe in all this?"

Sasaki raised her head from the menu.

"Honestly, I've always been intrigued by this. I'm not very interested in myself and I don't have any strong desires. Even if I could achieve deification, I don't think I should. Even when I play American football, I prefer to play as the quarterback. I would be happy just to live a life that doesn't trouble others. I hate attention seekers and I feel offended when I meet them." She waved her hands to catch the waitress's attention. "We haven't ordered anything yet. Has everyone decided?"

That prankster smile is the same as the one she took to our middle-school classroom.

The waitress, casually dressed with a simple apron, bustled over to take our orders. The only order anyone made was Sasaki for four cups of hot coffee.

Time traveler Fujiwara and alien Kuyoh said nothing, snorting a little and exuding an extreme silence respectively. A little part of me wants to know what the people around us think about us. It would be difficult to get the idea that this is just a group of high school kids, even with the power of extra-positive thinking. I had a growing feeling that next to that, the SOS Brigade looked normal.

Tachibana Kyoko, first to speak, broke the ice again.

"So this is it. You have heard it from Koizumi-kun as well? I mean the talk about Suzumiya-san creating this world about four years ago. She unconsciously wields a strange power, one that creates closed spaces corresponding to her mental state. Koizumi-kun and the rest were suddenly enlightened and formed the 'Organization,' extant today. Suzumiya-san's continued to grant her own wishes, bringing aliens and time travelers to her side. But my companions and I believe that that power originally belonged to Sasaki-san."

You and your companions can believe whatever you want. Imagination has no shackles. But it's if something actually happens. This is a country governed by law, and kidnapping is a major crime.

"About that, I'd like to apologize. It was unlikely to succeed from the start, mostly due to strong interference from the future. At least it wasn't completely fruitless, since we brought our existence to your attention. That was a great step forward for us."

If I was the moon, I'd probably be wondering, "Why are you leaving strange footprints on me?"

"Four years ago."

Tachibana Kyoko talked as if she were telling her friends about the drama series she watched yesterday.

"Without any warning, I realized that I had gained some kind of power. I do not know the cause of this phenomenon, or why I was chosen and not someone else. What I do know is that I am not the only one chosen, that there are other companions, and that all of this originated from one person."

That shining pair of eyes cast a glance at me.

"And that person is Sasaki-san. Even before I gave thought to it, I knew she was the source of my powers. I began my quest to find Sasaki-san, meeting my companions along the way. Every one of them shares that same belief."

I thought of the members of the kidnapping syndicate I had seen get out of the van.

"While we were debating whether we should make contact with Sasaki-san, and how to go about that if we did, we found something very strange. Another group very similar to ours already existed; even its members resembled us. Except that they were concentrating on a person that was not Sasaki-san."

The 'Organization.'

"Yes, the ones who view Suzumiya-san as a god. Conflicts broke out between us over that false belief. We met with them many times to gently correct them but they claimed that we were the ones upholding incorrect principles. Nothing we tried could make them believe us. We are unable to accept their views, and it seems impossible for them to accept ours. Eventually we discussed breaking off..."

Tachibana Kyoko seemed to be looking nonchalantly into a great distance for a moment, then she turned her eyes back at me.

"Since then we haven't met at all."

"What happened next?" I said. Could there be any other viewpoints? "What exactly do you want?"

The representative from the faction opposite the 'Organization' let out a huge sigh.

"We firmly believe that the powers Suzumiya-san has at this moment rightfully belong to Sasaki-san. There must have been a mistake somewhere that made them transfer to another person. Therefore, I want to return things back to how they was. Should I succeed, the world will move in a much better direction."

After that, she looked straight at me.

"I hope to enlist your help as well."

"Sasaki." I escaped from that stare. "Whatever she said, what do you think?"
Style:

Would enough people know what he means for Kyon to say R&R? It seems like a Kyonish thing to say.

lets just say I cant remember what that meant either.

Sasaki apparently plays gridiron football. In the first, literal translation she just says football, then American football in the enhancement. In the next sentence she mentions a quarterback so that should define it (along with Tanigawa being an American football fan).

yes, this reference is a realisation on my part after 1.5 years.

Kyoko gets a distant look when she thinks of when the esper groups split and I don't like my paragraph on it. Someone please fix it.

the ball is on everyone else's court..

Grammar:

First run, Nagato has an alien seminar (I recall). Enhancement, alien Nagato has a seminar. Which one is alien? Or are they both?

Kyon is referring to talking to Nagato on Monday in school. and since Nagato often doesnt speak very humanely, its a lot like a seminar or talk.

and just to add, he doesnt dread meeting Nagato, he dreads Monday. in case anyone is wondering (like me at first).

First run Shamisen has an exhausted face and croaks. Enhancement he looks exhausted and purrs. Not terribly important I suppose.

croak is the word used, though purr is more correct.

The cruel truth Kyon keeps from his sister includes... aliens being clever? That does not seem cruel.

okay my bad. it is actually aliens being extremely heterogeneous. i.e. very different from normal. I bet it will be a field day putting this in context.

Kuyoh's state of being seems to vary on a day-to-day basis and I'm not sure what that means.

beats me. but I translated it as it is.

When Fujiwara picks a name, Sasaki suggests something from an ancient imperial guard or maybe a government official in the first run, in the enhancement "fat or skinny chairman." I went with the original because it sounded cooler.

I regret to inform the enhancement is more true to original, albeit less cool.

What Kyoko thought about the kidnapping plan and what Sasaki thinks about her powers are a little unclear.

I can try and explain if you could tell me which part it was..

Related to the style list. Sasaki doesn't like being influential so she likes playing as the quarterback. Either she's being ironic, Tanigawa doesn't know football like he thinks he does, or the Chinese translator doesn't know football like he thinks he does. Probably the third.

its the fourth, I didnt get that part right. can someone tell me what does 骑马战 refer to? I am sure 后下方 is a quarterback, but I never know of a sports game that is known as that, or it probably isnt even sports o.O
User avatar
jesse*
Astral Realm

Re: Major Chapter 2 Enhancement

Post by jesse* »

My thanks again. I'm almost done, we just returned from Sasaki's closed space, just a few more questions.

Story so far:
Spoiler! :
"I do not want to these strange powers," Sasaki said in a clear voice. "Although it is not something to be proud of, I am not only introverted, but below average among mortals. Even if I acquire these unexplainable, unimaginable powers, they would only wither with time. I would find myself stricken by some sort of mental problem for sure. I would rather avoid that."

"She said that," I said. "She said it herself. Why don't you just give up?"

"Do you seriously think the status quo is good enough?" Tachibana Kyoko showed no signs of backing off. "Do you really want Suzumiya Haruhi-san to keep these powers? I can tell you don't mind being pushed around by Suzumiya-san. I hope you realize that this isn't only about you. She will make this entire world her personal playground."

She turned that urgent gaze to Sasaki.

"I would like to invite you to reconsider as well. You are much more suitable for the role than Suzumiya-san. That is indisputable. You don't have to worry about anything. Just live your life. I know you wouldn't twist the world upside-down. I know it."

Sasaki fixed her gaze on me. Her smile was the kind that asks me "Are you serious?" Just like the kind she gave in middle school.

My head hurts. I know that Tachibana Kyoko is very serious in about this and she's not shy about it either. Whatever she wanted to say, I've understood it to the maximum extent of understandability.

To make an analogy, Haruhi is like a time bomb without a timer. The detonation is random, impossible to predict. Even the scale of the explosion is an unknown. And she has the mystical ability to control the world. Unless you have the benevolence of Sakyamuni Buddha [http://www.baka-tsuki.net/project/index ... #Sakyamuni] or Jesus Christ, I don't think you could take it.

But that conclusion doesn't take into account a clear understanding of Haruhi’s past and personality. And I have that. So do Koizumi, Nagato and Asahina-san. This girl doesn't. It all comes down to this one simple, innocent problem.

I turned to Tachibana Kyoko.

"It's an interesting theory, but what are you going to do about it? You know, Haruhi does have the ability to defy all natural laws and realize wishes to a certain extent, even if it isn't always a good thing, making cherry blossoms bloom in autumn and such. But didn't you say Sasaki doesn't have that power now? Wouldn't that make taking it back impossible? You can't change reality, no matter how much you insist that Sasaki is some kind of god."

Haruhi doesn't usually let her subconscious drift too far from reality anyway. Her thoughts always have a little common sense if you look at them the right way. The most she'll do is use tanzakus to make me second baseman [http://www.baka-tsuki.net/project/index ... _Notes#Use tanzakus to make me the second baseman]. She seems to love this current world a great deal anyway, and isn't as likely to destroy it anymore. Closed spaces and Avatars? They're just a shortcut for Koizumi to earn a little pocket money, not really anything dangerous.

"That is true."

Tachibana Kyoko looked unhappy.

"Even still, I have always felt that Sasaki-san would be a more suitable candidate. You may understand Suzumiya-san and her character well, but shouldn't you understand Sasaki-san just as much? You have spent about the same amount of time with each of them."

The third year of middle school and the first year of high school really would look like the same amount of time. What was different was the level of intimacy. I never formed any strange brigade with Sasaki to waste time after school. Judging by time spent in conversation, Haruhi wins by an ippon [http://www.baka-tsuki.net/project/index ... otes#Ippon]. In class, she sits behind me. After school, she bosses me around in the Literature Club clubroom so much that it's an unwritten rule now. SOS Brigade activities have been going on throughout the last year, so there's a year where I had no contact with Sasaki. Even if I maintained good relations with old friends, I can't just throw away my current obligations. It wasn't just that Haruhi, Nagato, Asahina-san and Koizumi been with me for a year. I helped them sometimes too. Even for the sake of the other three brigade members, I can't make Haruhi someone else. I don't even want to.

Even if she's a mysterious time bomb with poor impulse control, I can't just leave her like this. I haven't even used my trump card. Wouldn't some kind of crisis be a perfect opportunity to show off my better side?

"Sasaki seems pretty unenthusiastic too. I don't think you should pursue this. It doesn’t matter if you piss off Koizumi, but if you anger Nagato, the chain reaction would detonate Haruhi. After that who knows."

"And that is why I hope to deactivate Haruhi's powers. Then you wouldn't need to worry so."

Tachibana Kyoko put her palms together, as if praying.

"It's not just about us. Just look at Koizumi-kun, in constant standby against Suzumiya-san’s emotional state. It wouldn't be as dificult if it was Sasaki-san. I'm just working, praying, from the bottom of my heart, to bring stability to this world."

"Even if you put it like that, there's nothing I can do." Sasaki let out a small sigh and turned towards the counter. "Our hot coffee is way too slow."

She nonchalantly played with with the ice cube in her glass.

"Kyon, a question just came to me out of the blue. Grade school student, middle school student, high school student, university student - why is "high school student" written differently? Isn’t that interesting?" [http://www.baka-tsuki.net/project/index ... menclature]

"Sasaki-san!"

Tachibana Kyoko shouted, then bowed her head. She really looked disheartened. I'm starting to sympathize with her. You really did find the wrong person. It's not like I have any right to say this, but Sasaki is more than usually normal next to my other friends. She's not the kind to immediately agree if someone asks if she wants to be a god.

Hey, I'm sounding more intelligent already.

As long as Sasaki stays Sasaki, she absolutely won't agree to this. Tachibana Kyoko just found the wrong person. Sasaki's just not like that.

I pointed at Fujiwara and Kuyoh, listening but not contributing. "What do they think? I know you want to make Sasaki a god, but what do your partners think? Is there any kind of consensus?"

I asked because neither of their expressions showed agreement with Tachibana Kyoko’s opinions. Fujiwara looked really bored staring at his cold glass. Kuyoh looked at nothing, just staring blankly into thin air.

Tachibana Kyoko drooped. She looked left and right through the strands of her hair. When she saw the expressions of the time traveler and the alien, she drooped even more.

"Yeah, that's a problem too. They have zero interest in cooperating."

Tachibana Kyoko sounded like she was about to cry. Fujiwara gave an irritating laugh.

"That was obvious. You want to talk about cooperating? Work together with the people in this time frame? I'm not about to stoop that low. I only came here because I expected some benefit from it. Turns out I was wrong."

After that, if Tachibana Kyoko does get angry I won't mind chipping in a few words too. He continued. "Suzumiya, Sasaki, it doesn't matter. By the natural order of things, it won't make any difference. Individual humans don't have much value at all. What matters is the power to distort and change time planes. As long as that power exists, it doesn't matter whose hands it's in.

"Don't you think so?"

Kuyoh said nothing. She sat still on her seat, her fluffy hair showing no movement in the slight breeze of the air conditioning. She looks like she doesn't know where she is. Even though she's right across the table from me, the strength of her presence is undefinably thin and is rapidly approaching zero. You could say it lacks depth; the electronic monitoring systems at construction sites have more life than she does.

And as the atmosphere was enveloped again by silence...

"Hmph! You... really...!" Tachibana Kyoko whizzed up and grabbed the first word. "Give me your hands."

She looked at me with a serious expression.

"It's best if you experience it yourself. Then you'll really understand what I'm saying. Just for a minute. Give me your hands."

She stretched out her fair, flawless hands like she wanted me to read her palms.

Am I drowning? I hesitated. Sasaki nudged me with her shoulder.

"Kyon, please. Just do what she says."

I held out my right hand. Tachibana Kyoko's well-moisturized fingers latched onto my palms. She gave another request.

"Close your eyes. This will be over soon."

It was a familiar feeling. A bright light gradually shone through my lightly closed eyelids. My ears, more sensitive to sound due to impaired vision, picked up a few ambient noises along with some classical music in the background. Sounds like a piece by Johannes Brahms [http://www.baka-tsuki.net/project/index ... nes_Brahms].

But...

"You can open your eyes now."

The background music cut short as Tachibana Kyoko’s voice came through.

I slowly opened my eyes.

All I saw was Tachibana Kyoko holding my hand with a smile. She was alone.

The whole place was totally silent. There was no Sasaki, Kuyoh, Fujiwara, or any other customers or staff. Just like the Mary Celeste[http://www.baka-tsuki.net/project/index ... ry_Celeste]. Everything was gone in the blink of an eye.

Tachibana Kyoko and I were in the same places at the table, holding each other's hand.

"What..."

My eyeballs explored our surroundings by themselves. Only the two of us in this empty shell of a café, no lights on... What just happened? Before I asked that, I felt a jolt of déjà vu, and I remembered. A place so much like this, absolutely no one around...

"Closed space..."

"So that's what Koizumi-kun calls it."

Tachibana Kyoko let go of my hand and buzzed up.

"This isn’t exactly a tour, but... do you want to go outside?"

Tachibana Kyoko was confident like a fish in water as she invited me out.

There wasn’t much point to just sitting down so I agreed. It had been a while since I'd been in a closed space. In fact, I only had twice, once with Koizumi and another with Haruhi. This was the third, and it seemed a lot like the one Koizumi sent me in that cab.

I walked beside Tachibana Kyoko and watched the electronic sliding glass door glide open just like in real life. I don't know the theory behind it, but somehow there was electricity in this universe as well.

When I stepped outside the first thing I did was look at the sky.

The rain's stopped. Wait, there aren't even any clouds. The sky's broke its recent tradition of being gray, but there's no sun either; the light is like a part of of the sky. The entire world was enveloped in a foggy radiance.

"Let's walk for a bit."

Even though the street had ghost-town vibes it wasn’t really having a huge effect on me. What I was seeing was just like Koizumi had described.

The difference...

I had been in two closed spaces, both obscured in a layer of gloom. It might have been because it was at night, but I can clearly remember the darkness in that world.

This world is painted in oxford white; creamy, milky whiteness exuding an exquisite glow. This closed space seems so much more cheerful than the ones I remember.

There's another, bigger difference. There are no Avatars anywhere. Those huge, bizare lifeforms can't go unnoticed that easy.

"Hehe". Tachibana Kyoko looked over her shoulder. "Yes, you're right. There wouldn't be anything like that here. Here, they don't even exist. That's one of the reasons I strongly recommend this universe. Isn’t this a place great?"

The gray-white Avatars are rash and destructive byproducts of Haruhi's subconscious mind.

"There are no Avatars here, or any sign that suggests they might appear. That's what my senses tell me. This closed space has nothing that could potentially threaten its existence."

"This is a closed space?"

"It is. It is structurally similar to the kind of pocket dimension that you're familiar with."

Tachibana Kyoko seemed overjoyed to able to tell me this. "The only difference is in their creators. This is not a world constructed by Suzumiya-san."

There's someone else who can make these?

"Yep. Sasaki-san. This is Sasaki-san's closed space. But don't you agree that this doesn’t feel very “closed”? Let me put it like this. When different people cook the same food, aren’t their personalities and characters reflected in the taste?"

She sounded like a real estate agent selling a house.

"This place makes me very comfortable. I'm sure you can feel the stability, the friendliness? How does it feel? Compare the two. Which one feels safer?

"Wait just a minute."

If I had to pick between staying in either of them, I'd pick neither.

"You mean Sasaki created this place? Why? When was it made? Why no Avatars? Why does this place even exist?"

"No reason at all." She continued with a relaxed smile. "This closed space isn't some kind of toy model with a limited lifespan. It was created this way and left constant for the past four years. No Avatars? There's nothing they need to destroy. No reason for them at all."

There aren't any birds in the sky. Absolute silence is all my ears are picking up.

"This is so very different. Sasaki-san won’t think about destroying or recreating this world. Sasaki-san’s subconscious mind is stable no matter the internal or external influences. An ideal state. Even if she gets dissatisfied with reality, she would rather go along with it than attempt to reject it."

The only sound waves anywhere are the voice of this teenage girl.

"I'll ask you again. Which do you prefer? A god that could accidentally destroy the world - or a god that may not do much, but has enough common sense to not destroy everything?"

I wanted to speak up for Haruhi. She does have common sense, even though she gets a screw or two loose every now and then. At the end of the day she's an ordinary young woman. I can’t say how she was in the past but right now she knows how to live in the present. She does complicate things sometimes, but at least UFOs won’t rain from the sky.

One thing I'm sure of. She will not recreate this world.

"You seem so confident of yourself. I don't think anyone can guess what Suzumiya-san has in her subconscious. Not Koizumi-kun, not the time traveler."

Tachibana Kyoko clasped her hands behind her back and turned around to face me.

"I don't even know, and that makes me uneasy. But everything is so clear with Sasaki-san. Just a glance can tell you she has no elements of instability at all."

Her smile was sprinkled with goodly amounts of cuteness.

"And that's why I believe Sasaki-san is the true and rightful holder of this power. That Suzumiya-san became this way must have been a mistake somewhere."

Haruhi's power of unknown origin; it gave Koizumi his esper powers, attracted the attention of outside-of-space beings, and, according to the words of Asahina-san, was the mysterious cause of a major time quake...

If all of that happened to Sasaki as well, what would happen to the influence of the current SOS Brigade?

Unimaginable.

I shook my head a few times, trying to banish this unthinkable thought.

"So," I finally regained my voice. "What do you want me to do? Do you want me to transplant Haruhi's powers to Sasaki? How is that even possible?"

Tachibana Kyoko looked at me seriously for a moment, then broke into her jovial laugh.

"It's not impossible. If you are willing to assist us and Sasaki-san agrees, we can do it. That's all we're wishing for."

She made a short leap backwards.

"Let's go back to the café. Our union for today shall end here. And I think you need some time to reconsider."

About that. We were in the café before we went outside. What exactly did Sasaki and the others see us doing?

I was just about to ask that, but Tachibana Kyoko was briskly on her way back to our table. Come to think about it, aren’t there some issues with a man and a woman roaming this empty place together? It's not a good time to worry about that. Anyway, I really don't want to stay here long. This place is way too quiet. If there are Avatars around, at least let there be some buzz or something to distract them. I think I'm actually missing street noise! What’s wrong with me?

A teenaged girl's body activated the sliding glass door. I followed. I can't smell any coffee anywhere.

"Take a seat, quickly."

Tachibana Kyoko returned to her original place between the trio and put her hand on the table. I sat back down. My seat was still warm.

"Now close your eyes and give me your hands."

What would I see if I opened my eyes, I wondered, and I put my hands on hers and closed my eyes, all of my attention on my hearing.

Tachibana Kyoko applied a slight pressure to my fingers...

And let go. In one single instant my sense of hearing returned. No, the whole world did.

Johannes Brahms in the background, pitter-pattering sounds from the rain outside, the rich aroma of coffee beans and well as the sights and sounds of the human flow, all gushed into my senses at once as I opened my eyes.

Sasaki raised her eyebrows. "Hey, you're back... Is that the right way to put it?"

I looked around. Fujiwara looked really bored with his cheeks in his hands and Kuyoh's sleepy face was as emotionless as always. Tachibana Kyoko was between them, rehydrating herself with ice water. I raised my previous query to Sasaki.

"What was I doing, just now?"

"Not much." Sasaki turned her wrist over and looked at her watch. "You and Tachibana-san closed your eyes for the entire ten seconds you held each other’s hands."
  • When Sasaki says her powers will wither is she sure of it or is she being depressive?
  • When she asks the spelling question is she being absent-minded or is she trying to change the subject?
  • Kyon always uses Kyoko's full name. I guess he's being distant? I don't know.
  • Kyoko whizzes from her chair. She stands up quickly and her action produces noise?
  • Just wanted clarification on what Kyon feels about Kyoko's hands.
  • When Kyoko says union I would assume she means meeting, although maybe she's got some other meaning or something there.
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jesse*
Astral Realm

Re: Major Chapter 2 Enhancement

Post by jesse* »

Finished, the rest is up. Questions... well, I had something about Kuyoh's fingers but I forgot. Also the ore/prehistoric radio, I put in crystal because that made sense.
Spoiler! :
She used that hand to touch her lips.

"So, did you see my alleged subconscious world?"

"Hm."

I nodded reluctantly. If I wasn’t hallucinating I guess I really did see it. But why didn't we disappear from Sasaki's viewpoint?"

"Any thoughts about it?"

"Not really."

"That's what I thought." Sasaki laughed. "It feels really awkward to have you peek into my inner world like that."

"Sasaki-san." Tachibana Kyoko set down her glass of water. "I still find you the most suitable candidate no matter what. Would you please look at this more positively?"

"Hm, how should I put it..."

Sasaki tilted her head slightly and looked at me.

"Kyon, what do you think? Would it be alright if I held this... mysterious power instead?"

It's not a question of right are wrong. Anyway, of all people why are you asking me?

Just going by my own intuition, I don't think that if Sasaki had that power she would use it to cheat at baseball. Or shape reality after her movie. I doubt she'd make August never-ending or dig up a totally out-of-place artifact. She wouldn't play a rock concert in a bunny costume or make those countless arguments with the student council president.

That doesn't matter. The root of this problem is that Sasaki would not be in this alone.

I cast nonchalant glance to the other side of the table, at time traveller Fujiwara and the other two.

You want me to work with them? That's not funny. That time traveller kidnapped Asahina-san and laughed at the name I picked. The other one was behind the Snow Mountain incident and put Nagato in a coma.

What, you want me to consider it?

I want to keep my friendship with Sasaki, but if I have to work with them, my inner peace level would plummet. I might even get negative inner peace.

How to express that coherently... I took a deep breath.

"Sorry to keep you all waiting."

Just when I would have let go, the waitress reached our table with four cups on her tray. I shut my mouth and joined the silence.

This happens during normal conversations, more so when the things I'm about to say should stay with the people I'm about to say them to.

The cups and saucers clanked loudly with no speech to drown the noise. The first cup of hot coffee went to Sasaki, then me, Tachibana Kyoko, Kuyoh...

A *piak* kind of noise. A shocking tableu.

Kuyoh, completely still since she first sat down, grabbed the waitress' wrist with one hand.

I didn't see when she moved her hand. I couldn't even feel the movement. As it stood, Kuyoh was clamped tightly on her wrist, not far up the arm from the tray with our orders on it.

No change in expression. Eyes straight ahead. She had moved nothing on her body but that hand.

"...Ah?"

I gaped like an idiot.

Even more shocking - the waitress didn't spill any of the coffee. The impact should have been pretty strong, judging from how loud it was.

Why?

I understood immediately.

"How may I help you?"

With no sign of anger or discomfort, the waitress showed a gentle smile. Some might find her smile natural, but I saw the cold of an icicle behind that façade. That's not me being crazy. That's just a very familiar face.

"Emiri..."

I think I was groaning.

"...What are you doing here?"

"How are you?"

With an apron over her frontal profile, Emiri Kimidori-san greeted me exactly how anyone would meeting an underclassman out of school. A swift greeting, unbelievable for an active humanoid interface being vised at the wrists by an alien of unknown origin. I don't have the personal experience necessary to vouch for the strength of Kuyoh’s grip, but I would geuss it's abot stronger than what a normal human could manage.

Kuyoh didn't seem to care about Tachibana Kyoko and Sasaki, staring in bewilderment, as she performed the inhuman feat of moving only her hand and absolutely nothing else, not even her uniform.

"I really am sorry, miss," Emiri-senpai said to Kuyoh, once again inanimate.

"Could you please let go of me? I will not be able to serve your order otherwise."

"______________"

Her eyes did not blink or look anywhere else. To put it crudely, she looked like a goldfish.

"Miss," Emiri-senpai somehow sounded like a shepherd, "Please, I hope you can understand what I'm saying..."

I think I hear the sound of charcoal flames in the boiler from them. Am I imagining things?

"______________"

Kuyoh loosened her grip finger by finger, like worms from the pinky to the thumb, and slowly returned them to her lap.

"Thank you very much." Holding the cup of coffee, Emiri-senpai bowed politely before putting it in front of Kuyoh. Watching Kuyoh resume doll mode, I gave a sigh of relief. "Emiri-senpai. What are you doing here?

"I am working part-time." [[Image:Sh_v09_ch02_03.jpg|thumb| Kuyoh, completely still since she first sat down, grabbed the waitress' wrist with one hand.'']]

I could puzzle out that. You're wearing an apron and bringing me coffee. I just wanted to know why you're working here. In fact, that's a more interesting question interests than where the Tsar hid his gold. [http://www.baka-tsuki.net/project/index ... ian_Empire].

Emiri-senpai left the order chit on the table and continued softly.

"Please keep this a secret from the president. The student council's rules state that I cannot work part-time."

And you mean Nagato is fine with that? No, compared to that...

"Please enjoy your meal."

Our responses are totally out of sync. Emiri-senpai left briskly with her tray. She's pretty skilled. I bet she's been working here since three years ago. Don’t tell me she's been taking and serving our orders all along? I could have missed it because she blends well into crowds or because of some alien influence... The second one seems more likely. If Kuyoh can do it, I don't think Emiri would have any problem.

"Who is she?"

"She's... She's a senior from my school."

Only way I can answer. And while I compared Kuyoh’s eye-catching, completely ignored figure with Emiri-senpai, skillfully serving drinks......

"Hmph hmph."

Someone let out a strange laugh, like he couldn't hold it back any more. Fujiwara. He curled up his sarcasm-filled lips.

"Hahaha! What a spectacle! A farce to end all farces! [http://www.baka-tsuki.net/project/index ... otes#Farce] If this isn’t a first-rate, once in a lifetime puppet show, I don’t know what is. Wahaha!"

I would love to just empty the hot coffee on his face, but the time traveler seemed really amused. He'd probably roll around on his belly laughing if we didn't look at him. Look, his body is shaking.

Tachibana Kyoko gave up her astonished face along with trying to comprehend things and shrugged. Sasaki and I looked at each other and asked what Fujiwara’s laughter meant with our facial expressions. They were rhetorical questions, it's not possible to answer that. Kuyoh's ashen white face was concealed by the fumes rising from the cup.

After part-timer Emiri-senpai's sudden invasion, the three normal high school, including me and excluding Kuyoh and Fujiwara, were dumbfounded. Just when I was getting bored with staring at them, the time traveller with his tirade of disgusting laughter and the organic alien lifeform ignoring the hot cup in front of her, as static as a broken crystal radio...

"______________"

Without any warning, Kuyoh stood up and walked to the automatic sliding glass door in silent, precise footsteps. I'd bet not even the most skilled ninja could do that. That amazing modern invention managed to notice her where everyone around her couldn't and zoomed open. Kuyoh didn't forget her convenience-store umbrella disappeared somewhere along the horizon. Maybe she sensed the atmosphere among the rest of us. Why exactly did she come here?

"Me too..."

Tachibana Kyoko revealed a tired yet strong-willed smile.

"I'm a little exhausted now, so I think I'll take my leave. To be honest, I'd hoped to discuss things in greater detail. Sasaki-san, I may have to trouble you next time then. Oh yes, and I will settle the bill. Thank you very much for coming."

She stood up, walked towards the cashier, told the staff something with "issuing a receipt" and to "just round up the numbers" and paid the bill. She waved at us and walked out under her umbrella.

I was also very unhappy, having been treated like a joke by the time traveler, and decided to leave. I still want my nap with Shamisen.

"Goodbye, Sasaki."

"Hm." Sasaki looked at me calmly. "I think I'll be contacting you soon. I know this been a lot of trouble, but Kyon, I really don't want this to drag on much longer. The national mock examinations are coming up soon. We should clear these things up as soon as we can."

"Fully agreed."

I agreed with her opinion from the bottom of my heart. Luckily, this was the same Sasaki I knew from middle school.

Fujiwara somehow managed to go back to his cool face while he listened to our conversation, but he didn’t comment or do anything to make me uncomfortable. I was a little mindful of the sudden, astonishing appearance of Emiri, but it it makes sense once you realize she just came to watch Kuyoh. If Nagato faced Kuyoh I don't think she'd be able to hold back. I'm just happy Asakura Ryoko didn't come back to life. Even with a crazy life like mine I resent things like getting stabbed.

Because I left the café just like that I have no idea what Sasaki and Fujiwara talked about.

I didn't want to know either. That's how it was.

(Volume 9 Chapter 2 End)
It's been a pleasure working with you. You know you're the vector of this story to the entire English-speaking world, right? And that thousands of people (including me) have read it from this wiki? Pretty cool.

Want to work on the rest of it?
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Vaelis
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Re: Major Chapter 2 Enhancement

Post by Vaelis »

Revision history of "Suzumiya Haruhi:Volume9 Chapter 2":

19 June 2009 Deskoh91 (Talk | contribs | block) m (76,804 bytes)
27 June 2009 Jesse (Talk | contribs | block) (66,335 bytes)

I don't think it's possible to lose 10000 bytes (13% of the text) just by "enhancing" the translation, are you sure you didn't delete some translation?
You made so many change it's impossible to check it without wasting a lot of time...

One thing is sure, you removed the navigation bar... for the rest I don't know :?


But when I see
A nagging feeling inside me is telling me that the above doesn't seem like praise; but if such words originated from Sasaki, they become understandable subconsciously. Speaking of which, it had always been this way since middle school.
becoming this:
It really didn't feel like praise, but if Sasaki said it, I could understand. It's always been like this.
...
Half of the translation is missing.
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jesse*
Astral Realm

Re: Major Chapter 2 Enhancement

Post by jesse* »

removed the navigation bar
Sorry, not my intention.
Half of the translation is missing.
I did cut ten kilobytes. A lot of it was structural grammar deskoh put in to make sure we knew exactly what he was talking about.
A nagging feeling inside me is telling me that the above doesn't seem like
This is all of the information we could get from the Chinese. I don't talk that way. The point is that Kyon knows it shouldn't sound like praise but it is.
Speaking of which, it had always been this way since middle school.
We just don't need all of that. We know that's what Kyon's talking about so we don't need "speaking of which." We know he's been friends with Sasaki since middle school.

I hope that helps you understand. deskoh's isn't here to make a perfectly readable story, that's our job. He takes the meaning from the Chinese and tells it to us in English as uncompressed as he can. I tried to make a compromise between including everything the original had and making Kyon sound like Rorschach, but I am a fallible and uneducated man. If you see any glaring errors that destroy the meaning and wonder of the original, please, please fix them.
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Vaelis
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Re: Major Chapter 2 Enhancement

Post by Vaelis »

jesse* wrote:deskoh's isn't here to make a perfectly readable story, that's our job.
No, it's to put it into correct English while keeping the original meaning and style as much as possible (and without removing part of the translation).

You should have read this: http://www.baka-tsuki.org/project/index ... ne#Editors

And baka-tsuki's policy about the translation is to stay as close as possible to the original text.
jesse* wrote:please, please fix them.
As I said you made too many change and it would take forever to check everything. Even the wiki isn't able to compare correctly the two versions.

It has been rollback to the previous version.
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jesse*
Astral Realm

Re: Major Chapter 2 Enhancement

Post by jesse* »

As you wish. I improved it to the best of my ability. I was able to compare deskoh's original version and his enhancement while working on my edits, somehow. If you would compare his two versions you would find them as different from each other as mine is.

Check on my edits and deskoh's enhancements. You could even just read one page in ten, like real life editors do. I think you will find that I did not remove any parts of the translation. We are seeing the same things happen, just in more human-readable language. At least ask another senior editor to check on them. I believe my contributions were much more beneficial than you realize.
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