Major Chapter 2 Enhancement

[deskoh91]

this is one enhancement that came 1.5 years too late.

due to the cringe-worthy English I used back then in order to be as literal in the translation as possible, I made major enhancements to the prologue, and promised to follow up on chapter 2 and 3 as well.

well, now I did. and I apologise for the delay.

but, I am about 60% done with the brand new chapter 2. its on a word document now. but this probably meant some of the editing done on the current document will go to waste.

I am just wondering if I can replace the contents of the current wiki (or something along the lines of moving it to another location), or do I have to put it as a preview?

hope there are enough active members here to get some replies~

[Dan]

You're the translator mate! Go ahead and change the wiki if it's a major change.

[Kaisos Erranon]

Yeah, Vol. 9's current version makes infant whales crap themselves with tears.

Go right ahead and improve it, please.

[ore wa ecchi]

looking forward to re-read it... do your best! ^_^

[quigonkenny]

Go ahead and wipe it out, deskoh. If there's anything that needs to be changed or tweaked afterwards, or any edits that still need to be done, we can redo them. It'll be good to have something "new" to edit again.

[Rectifier]

DESKOHHHH!!!!

It's fun to say ^_^.


But yeah, go ahead and do what you want to the chapter, we trust ya.

[deskoh91]

I am done with the major (and I mean major) enhancement!

But due to some (dumb) formatting problems, I can't put it up yet. Its 4am local time.

Will get some sleep and put it up tomorrow. Thanks for being patient!

EDIT: Is it just me or has the wiki not been loading properly for the past few days

[deskoh91]

And it is up! Enjoy!

Should be doing something to Chapter 3 eventually as well before my work on Volume 9 is completed.

[Rectifier]

Deskoh you friggin rock man.

You win an internet!

[jesse*]

I've been enhancing your enhancements. I'm trying to write it in more of a conversational style like in the fansubs and official translation. I'm still not content with a lot of things about the chapter.


Edit: Most of these were answered.

Spoiler! :

• The (big) and (small) after Asahina-san. Surely there is some better way. Tucked deep in the forums in 2007.
• At one point Sasaki laughs in her cluck-cluck voice. Was the original some kind of onomatopoeia?
• "If you wish to tutor my sister in Mathematics, I think you had better not." Must be some way to make this better.
• "Blood is thicker than water." I do not envy you trying to make sense of Sasaki's paragraphs, but what was the original? A Japanese proverb roughly equivalent to this?
• He describes Kuyoh as quiet and alienate. I'm replacing this with distant unless the original also had a play on words that said she's an alien.
• In your first version Sasaki and Kyoko went to town and walked around, now they shopped around. What was the original verb? I know they were hanging out but I'm being exact and pedantic.
• The topic of three years ago makes people shake their heads in disbelief. Must be a better way to say that.
• You added a sentence where Kyon reminisces about Sasaki's glimmering eyes. Did he just dwell on them more in the original?
• Kyon is easily defeated in a debate of words. Seems a bit stilted there. Verbal debate? Battle of wits? Battle of words? Argument?
• That whole paragraph on speakers and listeners. I get the impression that Kyon makes people comfortable telling him things he already knows but I'm not sure.
• Sasaki lets him go so his sister won't lose homework time and he won't lose... time to exercise brotherly authority? Must be a better way.
• It would be easier if Kyon left a contact number on the New Years' Card. Is there an implication that he sent her one without his number, or is it some kind of class thing, probably not significant.

Here's the story so far. Edit: Fixed a few of the above spoilered list.

Spoiler! :

'''α-1'''

"Hello."

A completely foreign voice echoed through the handset.

It wasn't Haruhi, Nagato, or any Asahina-san. It wasn't Mori-san or Sakanaka, much less Suou Kuyoh or Tachibana Kyoko. It wasn't even Sasaki, which would have made sense. I could tell from just one word: this did not come from anyone I knew. This was a voice that had never touched my eardrums.

"Ah, are you bathing? Sorry! I apologize. Shall I call back later?"

That isn't necessary, but just before I could say that...

"But, but, it will not be better if I call multiple times as well. I'm really sorry."

That voice poured incessantly through my phone. I stopped her.

"Who is this? At least tell me your name."

"It’s me. Me, just me~"

No, you are not Haruhi, and so that is not considered a formal introduction.

"How can that be..."

The female voice said. Since it was coming from the phone, the voice wasn't very clear either. The owner of the voice spoke in a jovial high pitch.

"But it is alright. I only intended to say hi anyway. Your little sister is really cute. I want one just like her. Arithmetic drills... haha, that’s cute."

Hmm... I sank into deep thought. Even though this voice is new to me, her speech patterns closely resemble someone else's. But no matter how hard I searched the storage in my brain, I couldn't place the voice, except that it sounded relatively young and child-like, a bit like my little sister.

"I simply wished to hear Senpai's[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Senpai] voice," the voice continued. "That’s all, no other reason. If I have to trouble you in the future, please take good care of me. If only we could have more time together."

Wait, did this person just address me as a senior? That makes her younger than me. But I really have no recollection of who the owner of this voice might be. Just when I wanted to tell her to at least give me her full name...

"I am hanging up. Goodbye. Till next time." She giggled.

Click.

Just like that, she hung up.

What is this? Just dealing with my old friend Sasaki, Tachibana Kyoko, Kuyoh and the rest was enough to keep my hands full. I don't want any more new characters in this part of the story.

I had a sudden stroke of inspiration and searched the call list, but all I found out was that she used a private number.

Even after I was out of the bath and in my pajamas, I was still asking myself who this mystery caller could be, but I was just wasting my time.

"What exactly went wrong today?"

Well, no matter how hard I think I won't change anything. I'll just take it as it comes. If that doesn't work, I'll just have to make sure it does. If anything happens, I'll discuss it with Koizumi, then Asahina-san, then Nagato, and then an infinite distance down the list with Haruhi, in that order. Till then, it's none of my business.

"What a pain."

Tomorrow is a precious full day of rest. As long as Haruhi doesn’t come up with any strange ideas before I fall asleep, Sunday is going to be very relaxing.

To make sure I didn't catch a cold after the bath, I hugged Shamisen like a heat bag as I went to my sister's room.


'''β-1'''

"Hello."

A voice I had heard that morning echoed through the handset.

It would've been alright if it was Haruhi, Nagato or Asahina-san (big). Haruhi would be suggesting some naïve plans for tomorrow at the most. Nagato, I'd discuss how we could handle Kuyoh. As for Asahina-san (big), I have many, many questions for her.

"Ah? Are you bathing? Your sister should have told me. I could call you back later, but since you answered this call, you should be more or less done. Am I correct?”

The caller wasn't anyone I'd been expecting. I said her name.

"Sasaki?"

"Yes, it's me. About today, I was planning on chatting a little longer, but Suzumiya-san arrived a bit too early. I guess that was a miscalculation on my part." She giggled. "But your sister hasn't changed a bit. I mentioned my name, but I don't know if she didn't hear that or if she simply forgot about me. But this can't be helped, we have only met twice... no, three times.”

"I guess you shouldn't be my sister's math tutor then." It's one of my rare contributions to the family.

"I understand. How could I take your cute little sister away from you? On Earth, there are billions of people who are strangers to you, and a very few tied to you by blood: your family. The ratio of these two groups is very high. This rarity makes family one of the most precious ties in this world. As they say, blood is thicker than water."

"So, what is it?"

"I will be direct then. I hope we can meet in front of the train station tomorrow at nine in the morning. Remember the place? That should be enough information. As for what's happening, well, I am not actually the one who has any business with you; I think it will be easier if you hear it from Tachibana-san directly. From what I gather, you will understand this better than me."

"They're coming too?"

I felt very irritated when I remembered the quiet and distant Kuyoh.

"He should be there too. What’s his name... well, that self-proclaimed time traveler guy."

That irritated me even more. If that idiot spouts some rubbish about Asahina-san again, I don't think I can hold myself back any more. If I lose control and beat him up, it's up to you to try and stop me.

"So you're coming? Kyon, don't worry. The three of them hope to come to terms without coming to blows. It would be best for all parties if we can keep our exchange of opinions limited to verbal means."

Let's hope that alien understands Earth language. Speaking of that...

"Sasaki, where did you go with them today?"

"Looking for an alibi? We took the train to the city and shopped around. Tachibana-san is fun to hang out with. She talked a lot about her high school life," she said, then calmly added. "And about four years ago." [[Image:Sh_v09_ch02_01.jpg|thumb| A voice I had heard that morning echoed through the handset...'']]

Four years ago.

I had first heard about it when it was three years ago. It's the keyword that everyone has something to say about and no one has any good explanation for. That's when Haruhi unleashed her sadistic superpowers, causing some kind of earth-shattering event. Oh, we can now host the Olympics [http://www.baka-tsuki.net/project/index ... g_Olympics].

"What did she say?"

"You should ask her yourself. I am still very confused. Kyon, I have this unsettling feeling. I feel like I'm in elementary school and my first swimming lesson is tomorrow, and I'll have to step into the water without knowing how to stay afloat.”

I remembered my middle school days, Sasaki's poise as she waited by the pool. When she mingled with the other girls, she seemed totally normal. The only things out of the ordinary were her above average communication skills and her captivating, glimmering eyes when she talked. Those glimmering eyes... When she isn't talking with the guys, she's just an ordinary middle school, now high school, student.

It was always like that. So why call me about this? This isn't normal at all. There must be a some mistake here. Whose fault is it?

"Sasaki, I know that you're representing that group. I just don't get why you're doing this."

Sasaki was quiet on the other side of the line for a while, then she laughed, the kind she made when she thought deeply.

"It's because I am your good friend. Doesn't that make me more suitable? If someone else were to ask you to come, you wouldn't be so obedient, would you? You're not gullible. Although I must add that you are easily defeated in a verbal debate."

I had never thought of defeating you in a verbal debate.

"You are an excellent listener, with the right amounts of intelligence and innocence. Please don’t be angry, I'm praising you. It may seem meaningless to the speaker to tell the listener things he may not understand, and reporting something you know the other party already knows isn’t much better. But if it's you I have nothing to worry about. You make people feel comfortable sharing things with you.

It really didn't feel like praise, but if Sasaki said it, I could understand. It's always been like this.

"I should let you go. I don't want to disturb your younger sister's study time, or keep you from exercising your fraternal authority. Make sure you arrive punctually tomorrow, or else I wasted my time tearing my room apart for the contact list. It would have be easier if you had left a number on your New Year’s card."

Of course I'm going tomorrow.

Please note that my criticism is not personal, I just want to see this book more translated than it is. I do not have access to the originals, and even if I did I'm not fluent in Japanese, so it would be helpful if you could give one hundred percent literal translations for the sticky parts. Then it's up to us to make them flow into the narrative.

[Otaku186]

i can only assure you that the (big) and (small) after Asahina-san is how it's written in the original japanese versions, i just checked on one of mine, and they're written like that( in japanese of courrse)

[quigonkenny]

Yeah, don't touch the (big) or (small). Doesn't matter if there is a "better way", that's how Kyon differentiates them, and certainly his odd way of doing so is intentional. He does have odd speech patterns from time to time.

[jesse*]

It's our job to take his odd speech patterns and make them flow from one language to another. My only real complaint about it is how it messes up the paragraph where Kyon wonders who could be calling, which is almost the same from alpha-1 to beta-1. It just seems there could be a comparable way to say it in English that doesn't produce sentences with "Asahina-san's (big)" something, where it seems the (big) applies to the next item and isn't describing Asahina-san herself.

[Darklor]

I dont see a problem with that. He did differenciate always both Asahinas like that. And we all know that (small) or (big) after Asahina-san always belong to Asahina-san.

But I wonder when he met Asahina-san (big) this morning - I couldnt remember that...

Spoiler! :

The echo-ish voice coming from the other end of the line belongs to a girl I just heard this morning.

It would have been alright if it was Haruhi, Nagato or Asahina-san (big). Haruhi would only be suggesting some naïve plans for tomorrow at the most. With Nagato, I will discuss some measures that can be taken to deal with Kuyoh with her. As for Asahina-san (big), I will have many, many things to ask her about.

btw. arent those "will"s not wrong? Shouldnt that be "would"s, too?

[quigonkenny]

It's our job to take his odd speech patterns and make them flow from one language to another. My only real complaint about it is how it messes up the paragraph where Kyon wonders who could be calling, which is almost the same from alpha-1 to beta-1. It just seems there could be a comparable way to say it in English that doesn't produce sentences with "Asahina-san's (big)" something, where it seems the (big) applies to the next item and isn't describing Asahina-san herself.

Well, if that's your only problem, there's an easy fix for that:

Asahina-san(big)'s [something]

In the original Japanese, one doesn't have a problem with understanding it, since there's no "'s" in Japanese, and the (big) would not be in the same place you had it. In Japanese, as written in the novels, the above example would be:

Asahina-san (dai) no [something]

So why not just do it the same way in English. I myself have started referring to (big) or (small) by sticking it right on the end without a space. Just treat it like it's part of the name and have the possessive modifier go after it. Just like in Japanese.

And our job is not necessarily to make the language flow in English. Not if it didn't flow in the original Japanese. The (big)s and (small)s don't flow well in either.

I'm also pretty sure Kyon uses malapropisms from time to time, like using "alienate" to mean "alien" (adj) or "alien-like". Well, I'm not quite sure if "malapropism" is the correct term, actually. I guess "GeorgeWBushism" would be a more accurate term. Where you know what he means, but it's probably not the correct term or possibly even a real word.