Still need an Editor?

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Still need an Editor?

Postby Nerevarine » Sat Aug 16, 2008 9:23 am

I was wondering if you still wanted an editor. Heres a little passage i randomly picked to edit (begining of chaptor 4).

-original-
“K, Kazuma!?”
Facing the embarrassed door guard's cry, Kazuma looked down upon him with condescension.
(Too slow.)
Really laid-back, in this unsafe time period where there should be a high alert, at this kind of distance and unable to be responsive is really useless and an unforgivable state.
But, after that the reaction speed is fairly good. Hearing the guard’s sounds of alert, jutsu practitioners waiting in various locations come flying out.
After about 10 seconds, Kazuma is surrounded by 10 or more jutsu practitioners.
“Call forth the Suzerain.”
Kazuma arrogantly commanded, completely ignoring the killing intent from all directions,
“Hearing and complying with the summon, then I will feel very grateful.”
(Appears to be looking for a fight.)
Even though knowing, doing so is useless provocation, but completely has no will to control it. Actually should say, that Kazuma suddenly became angry.
Not long after returning to Japan, unhappy situations constantly approach. Brought into a conflict of Kannagi Clan and someone else. Ambushed by don’t know whom, and right in front of his own eyes Ren got captured. He came in order to inform this incident, even though he swore he won’t ever get into situations of Kannagi main family.
All this has stressed Kazuma’s nerves, resulting in his extreme annoyance. He wanted to beat the crap out of somebody and it didn't matter who. This kind of mental state cannot be explained in one line, but Kazuma is currently residing in this kind of mental state.
Furthermore right here there are, idiots asking him, please hit me, even lining up and waiting for such, Kazuma certainly cannot let go of this opportunity. Breaking this confrontation, among all, one idiot steps forward. Maybe it is somebody recognizable, but Kazuma now doesn’t not have the “American time” or the need to recognize each one of them.


and here are my edits
I took alot of liberties, so whoever is making the decisions can tell me just how far i can reword the text. I could be alot more liberal with my edits....but i was trying to keep much of the same words as was translated from the author. I found that the sentence structure made it really hard to read. My main goal was to make it easier to read.

-edited-
“K, Kazuma!?”
Facing the embarrassed door guard's cry, Kazuma looked down upon him with condescension.
(Too slow.)
In such an unsafe time period where there should be a high alert, the guardsman is too laid-back, for Kazuma to make it this close a distance and still let there be no response is a really useless and unforgivable state.
But after that, the reaction speed is fairly good. After hearing the guard’s sounds of alert, jutsu practitioners waiting in various locations came flying out.
After about 10 seconds, Kazuma is surrounded by 10 or more jutsu practitioners.
“Call forth the Suzerain.”
Kazuma arrogantly commanded, completely ignoring the killing intent from all directions.
Should you comply with the summon, I will feel very grateful.”
(They appear to be looking for a fight.)
Even though he knows it is a useless provocation, but Kazuma still has no will to control it. It should be said that Kazuma has become very angry.
Not long after returning to Japan, Kazuma was constantly approached with unhappy situations. To be brought into a conflict between the Kannagi Clan and someone else, being ambushed by who knows what, and then right in front of his own eyes Ren got captured, Kazuma has come in order to inform this incident to the Kannagi Clan even though he swore he would never get into situations of Kannagi main family.
All of this has stressed Kazuma’s nerves, resulting in his extreme annoyance. He wants to beat the crap out of somebody and it didn't matter who. This kind of mental state cannot be explained in one line, but Kazuma is currently residing in this kind of mental state.
Furthermore right here there are idiots asking him, please hit me. They are even lining up and waiting for such, and Kazuma certainly cannot let go of this opportunity. Breaking this *confrontation* (ED: I want to change this into formation), amongst all, one idiot steps forward. Maybe it is somebody recognizable, but Kazuma now doesn’t not have the “American time” nor the need to recognize each one of them.


My native language (or i should say only language) is English, but have never really edited anything before and to tell you the truth I am terrible when it comes to keeping the same past/present/future tense.

But if you still need me, i can start going through chapter one and nitpick the sentence structure to make it easier on the eyes....that is unless you were going for a more faithfull tranlation in which case i will just do some minor tweaking with grammer and punctuation.

-----------------------
Edit: I decided to redo the post and bold my changes to make it easier to find my edits.
...i might have missed some however...
Last edited by Nerevarine on Sat Aug 16, 2008 12:09 pm, edited 4 times in total.
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Re: Still need an Editor?

Postby TheGiftedMonkey » Sat Aug 16, 2008 9:40 am

Nice. We could always use more editors on our projects. I'll let the translators of KnS be the judge of your edits but I think they are good.

Another thing I'd change:

After about 10 seconds, Kazuma is surrounded by 10 or more jutsu practitioners.


to

Within seconds, Kazuma became surrounded by at least ten jutsu practitioners.


Keep up the good work. And welcome to Baka-Tsuki. 8)
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Re: Still need an Editor?

Postby Nerevarine » Sat Aug 16, 2008 11:29 am

That sounds good. and thanks for the welcome

to tell ya the truth ( i guess since this is my first thread ill use this as my introduction)

Been a real fan of baka-tsuki for a while...started reading ZNT during December and have lately moved to these other projects. Really i have just been forum lurking, and now that i have some free time i decided to help out for once instead of just leaching the goods :)

PS: what anime is your avatar from?
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Re: Still need an Editor?

Postby TheGiftedMonkey » Sat Aug 16, 2008 12:48 pm

Haha It's from an awesome anime/novel series called Baccano! It's one of the projects we host. 8)

And just as a side note: Morrowind > Oblivion
Have you seen the conversion pack Morroblivion? Takes all the Morrowind game files and puts them in the Oblivion engine.
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Re: Still need an Editor?

Postby Nerevarine » Sat Aug 16, 2008 1:33 pm

Baccano eh? i was trying to stay away from it because it didnt seem like it had a concecutive plot-line and i dont really like episodic shows. But....if its anything as good as Mushi-shi i guess ill give the anime a whirl.

And of course! Morrowind is the best game out there :D

but no i dont have the mod for it....actually i got both Morrowind/Oblivion on the Xbox/Xbox-360 so i dont have any cool mods to call my own :( But it sounds nice nonetheless ;)
Probably my favorite thing to do is to jump on top of houses in towns and snipe all the guards with my arrows :twisted:
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Re: Still need an Editor?

Postby Hiyono » Sat Aug 16, 2008 2:27 pm

There were a few of us who worked on v1c5-6 and v2c1 but the earlier chapters do need quite a bit of work. Feel free to simply register on the wiki and go wild. Just a note, try to post any questions you have here in the forums (as you seem to have already done), or Shadow won't even notice.

EDIT: After briefly skimming your edited passage, I have some comments:
    Try and read through after you've made your edits. They should sound fluid and all stops should logically follow.
  • Try not to use more pronouns than necessary, as they can disrupt flow.
  • Be careful with redundancies; this ties in to the first.
    Even though he knows it is a useless provocation, but Kazuma still has no will to control it.

    "Even" redundantly modifies "though," although on occasion this may be used for emphasis.
    "But" redundantly modifies "Even though."
  • Be careful with causation. Small changes can alter the cause & effect relationship quite drastically.
    In such an unsafe time period where there should be a high alert, the guardsman is too laid-back, for Kazuma to make it this close a distance and still let there be no response is a really useless and unforgivable state.

    This use of "let" implies that Kazuma is allowing the poor response, which isn't what we want.
  • Be careful with tensing.
    Not long after returning to Japan, Kazuma was constantly approached with unhappy situations.

    Kazuma is still present in Japan, so this shouldn't be simple past tense.
  • Perhaps the most important part of a "liberal" edit/translation, ensure that you preserve word/phrase connotation.
    Breaking this *confrontation* (ED: I want to change this into formation), amongst all, one idiot steps forward.

    The idea here isn't that this man is breaking formation, but that he is ending the impasse.
Last edited by Hiyono on Sat Aug 16, 2008 2:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"There is always an easy solution to every problem - neat, plausible and wrong." H.L. Mencken (1971)
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Re: Still need an Editor?

Postby TheGiftedMonkey » Sat Aug 16, 2008 2:40 pm

Nerevarine wrote:Baccano eh? i was trying to stay away from it because it didnt seem like it had a concecutive plot-line and i dont really like episodic shows. But....if its anything as good as Mushi-shi i guess ill give the anime a whirl.


Yeah Baccano! is not episodic at all. All the episodes are dedicated to the main arc and is continuous.
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Re: Still need an Editor?

Postby Nerevarine » Sat Aug 16, 2008 3:04 pm

Alright then, i guess ill start having fun with chapter one then...

But im gonna wait untill i get the heads-up from shadowheart (since he seems to be the translator of the series) to see just how true he wants to stay to the author before i start implementing my changes.

Also...i dont really know any of the guidelines for editing...heh
so for right now ill just do as i did for the first post and bold all my changes in the discussion pages, and when i get a thumbs up, ill change it all.

Also ill put any major word changes, like the example in the first post with confrontation---->formation on this forum thread as with any other questions.
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Re: Still need an Editor?

Postby Hiyono » Sat Aug 16, 2008 3:21 pm

Shadow didn't actually translate the earlier chapters, and pretty much anything goes as far as editing because he doesn't actually read the B-T version anyway. Just try to keep in mind the things I mentioned earlier. As for edits, you don't need to post them all here, just ones that you may have a question about. The wiki will automatically track all changes you make, which can then be viewed via the history tab.
"There is always an easy solution to every problem - neat, plausible and wrong." H.L. Mencken (1971)
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Re: Still need an Editor?

Postby ShadowZeroHeart » Sun Aug 17, 2008 12:20 am

Hiyono is right, i did not join B-T when KnS first started, so i am not the translator for chapt 1 2 and 4 of book 1.
however, i do notice the differences in the translations... i did question once whether i should re-translate the earlier chapters but no1 gave any replies, so i carried on for now...

In my opinion, the job of a translator(me) is to try to, as far as possible, bring out the author's true meanings. However, this may not lead to perfect sentences and such. Thus i leave it to the editors to reconstruct them into proper and good words and sentences...

And i can only give thumbs-up, not heads-up(since i only have one head). And i would say ANYONE is welcome to help out. This is because, no1 is perfect. We all make mistakes, so the more people we have, the merrier. Besides, it is a learning process. and sorry to say, as Hiyono mentioned, i dont read the translations on B-T =X I am running low on time these days(sch sch sch, anime manga sleep) and i am planning to use whatever is left to tackle the translations(mainly SnS which is a real pain in the ass, i can do 2 parts of a KnS chapter in a day if not for that SnS)

If you or anyone out there who wishes to help is uncertain about ur edits, feel free to post in MY(i claim it mine for now muahaha) KnS forum, and i will do what i can once i find the time. So will Hiyono and the kind and loving editors of the project(i believe).

And okay maybe i will take a look at the area where u mentioned in ur first post... as soon as i find out where that part is...
God!!
You need not forgive me.
For those I love,
The violence brought about by sinful men
Shall now be used once more.
If you were created to save this world,
If there is a single shred of hope left for the future of mankind,
I am very sorry, but, please begone!
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Re: Still need an Editor?

Postby ShadowZeroHeart » Sun Aug 17, 2008 12:42 am

Sorry... but erm... if it is me i would say that both are not what i really have in mind... from my chinese text, i would translate it in this manner... Hopefully this can be of some reference to your edits?

Spoiler! :
Book1 Chapter 4
=== 1 ===
When he came within ten meters from the front door.
"Ka...... Kazuma!?"
Kazuma looks at the guardsman who is screaming in shock with a displeased look on his face.
(Too slow.)
He mumbles in his heart, even though they are on high alert, but yet they only realise him at this kind of distance, they are really useless.
But, the speedy reaction of the other party is perhaps worthy of praise! Hearing the guardsman's shout, the jutsushis that were spread out at different corners on stand-by rushed over one by one.
In a short ten seconds, Kazuma is already heavily surrounded by more than ten Jutsushis.
"Get the clan chief out."
Without showing any concern towards the murderous intent coming in from all directions, Kazuma ordered arrogantly.
"We have already came out to get the door, you should be grateful."
(These guys seem to want to pick a fight with me.)
Even though he knows that this is a taunt, but he does not want to bear with it at all, frankly speaking, Kazuma is now furious.
Ever since he got back to Japan, he has met with a series of unhappy things. Firstly, he was dragged between the fight between the Kannagi clan and the mystery man, and then fell into the mystery man's trap, having Ren abducted right before his very eyes, now in order to convey this news, he has no choice but to force himself to come to the Kannagi household that he once swore never to come close to ever again.
All these intimidated Kazuma, causing him to be very unhappy, it doesnt matter who it is, but he just wants to find someone and beat him up. If one sentence is used to describe how he feels now, it would most probably be as mentioned above!
And now at this place, just so coincidentally there is a bunch of idiots, as if saying "Please punch me", standing in rows waiting for him to do it. There is no reason to give up on the chance.
One of the idiots stood out to break the stalemate[or deadlock? or impasse, as mentioned earlier.], he might be someone that Kazuma used to know, but at this point of time, Kazuma thinks that there is no need to verify one by one anymore.


Hopefully this will help you to edit the actual text? @@
If you need further verification, just drop me a note, i should get back to you in a day or two.
And no you dont need to be so formal with me, you are my senior (check B-T join date LOLz)
I may even have to learn some things from you ^^ since you have been here watching over all the stuff, hehez
Anyways, if you are willing, then i thank you for your support ^^
God!!
You need not forgive me.
For those I love,
The violence brought about by sinful men
Shall now be used once more.
If you were created to save this world,
If there is a single shred of hope left for the future of mankind,
I am very sorry, but, please begone!
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Re: Still need an Editor?

Postby Hibari » Thu Aug 28, 2008 7:58 am

Would it be right if I would do a major edits within the volumes but the problem is that some of the sentence structure will be altered but I assure you that it will still give of the general idea of the sentence?
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Re: Still need an Editor?

Postby Nerevarine » Thu Aug 28, 2008 8:31 am

Hibari wrote:Would it be right if I would do a major edits within the volumes but the problem is that some of the sentence structure will be altered but I assure you that it will still give of the general idea of the sentence?


as Hiyono would say, "Feel free to simply register on the wiki and go wild."

and i would really welcome your edits because (if i understood it right from the SnS forums) you would be able to confer from the original Jap which some parts in the early chapters really need.
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Re: Still need an Editor?

Postby Hiyono » Thu Aug 28, 2008 9:10 am

Stole the words outta my mouth Nerevarine :p Yeah, you're more than welcome to make any corrections you deem necessary (especially in the earlier chapters). We English-only editors can always fix the English later, anyway. I just ask one thing, sometimes the translation will result in ambiguous English (e.g. phrases that could mean multiple things) - try to avoid this or correct it if you see it. It's very hard for us to notice/fix.

Oh, and welcome SDK/Hibari Image
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Re: Still need an Editor?

Postby Hibari » Thu Aug 28, 2008 10:42 am

I screwed up big time!!!

I edited the whole script of the first chapter in volume one, I copied and pasted it in the Microsoft Word but as i had finished editing and uploaded the file the spaces were gone luckily I had copied and saved the original script first so that I could re-edit it again...
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