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Book 1 edits

PostPosted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 5:19 pm
by Nerevarine
hello, Nerevarine again, i know im really slow when it comes to my promise to edit ( i only have a couple hours every couple of days to spend on editing), but im coming across some problems that i want to address for major edits.

there seems to be some parts of chapter 2, book 1, that are cut out/misstranslated?

first is this-
After stopping the unsatisfied challenge/look, Ayano looked towards Juugo.

“Then, what needs to be done? Defeat him?"

“Now, we haven’t decided whether it was done by Kazuma. Besides, we would like to meet with him and discuss this issue.”

Faced with his daughter’s simplistic and dangerous words, Genma(should be Juugo) deeply felt the danger.

Even though she had Enraiha’s overwhelming power, Ayano tended to resort to violence no matter what she did.

Genma(should be Juugo) frequently hoped that she would have a less impulsive way of thinking, as she was the next suzerain.

“Now is not time for you. Wait until there are other missions to be done.”

“...Yes.”

Faced with a barely compliant daughter, Juugo said consolingly, “You have just finished a mission; you must be tired. Get a good rest tonight.”

“...I understand.”

Even though it seemed to be unacceptable, Ayano still did what her father had said. After “bowing,” she rapidly left the room. Juugo didn’t blink until the door was closed, showing a deeply unhappy expression concerning his daughter.


Based upon the text, it seems that the two people talking to Ayano(Juugo and Genma), their names are mixed up. From the first line, it seems Ayano stopped the staredown with Genma and turned to talk to Juugo. Also...Ayano is not Genma's daughter, which is what the text leads too.

also this needs to be looked at-

Even though it seemed to be unacceptable, Ayano still did what her father had said. After “bowing,” she rapidly left the room. Juugo didn’t blink until the door was closed, showing a deeply unhappy expression concerning his daughter.

“...This stubborn daughter.”

Juugo seemingly says “not acceptable,” and sighs deeply. Even though he used this kind of strict manner of speech, no matter what, the care and love for his daughter was hard to hide.
<!-- Is there something missing here?-->

These two people have said the saying many times. To put it correctly, Shingo, due to his younger brother’s death, has a burning fire revenge. Takeya, no matter how many times you tell him to pay attention to his orders he will still forget them, said he was nagging. <!-- Who is saying what to whom --><!-- I don't get this last part. -->

They were waiting for the report, and then immediately to go where Kazuma was. <!-- Something is missing here -->

=== 2 ===
For the Kannagi Clan’s information network, finding where Kazuma was staying was simple.


If someone can, could they look at the original text and possibly retranslate or explain what is going on here? This is before the author formally introduces both Shingo and Takeya. It looks like their whole dialogue was cut off.

Thanks....and
If i find any more situations like this, ill put them in this thread...but itll be a slow process :P

Re: Book 1, chapter 2

PostPosted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 6:52 pm
by Hiyono
Just a quick comment on your edits. I understand that the ironclad rules of grammar specify the use of italics for foreign words, but I think we can do without it here.

Re: Book 1, chapter 2

PostPosted: Wed Aug 20, 2008 7:44 pm
by ShadowZeroHeart
LOLz! I never knew Ayano and Kazuma had the same father haha!

Sorry, in sch at the moment, would take half a day to get home today, will look at the text and re-translate the parts... thanks for pointing them out, at this rate i wont have to re-translate the chapters, but clarify the misunderstandings or mis-translations... that would save me a lot of trouble... so feel free to point as many things that seem to be, or may be wrong, or you would like to confirm/clarify out, that way i wont have to do everything from scratch.

Edit: OR i can go home first, since i have 3hrs to spare before my next lesson... Not sure, will confirm again later?
(if i go home, i will post here with my own translations.)

P.S. or should i just take some time to retranslate all the text eventually? if that is the case, then we can just wait till then? Hmmmm....

Re: Book 1, chapter 2

PostPosted: Thu Aug 21, 2008 3:23 am
by ShadowZeroHeart
Nerevarine wrote:hello, Nerevarine again, i know im really slow when it comes to my promise to edit ( i only have a couple hours every couple of days to spend on editing), but im coming across some problems that i want to address for major edits.

there seems to be some parts of chapter 2, book 1, that are cut out/misstranslated?

first is this-
After stopping the unsatisfied challenge/look, Ayano looked towards Juugo.

“Then, what needs to be done? Defeat him?"

“Now, we haven’t decided whether it was done by Kazuma. Besides, we would like to meet with him and discuss this issue.”

Faced with his daughter’s simplistic and dangerous words, Genma(should be Juugo) deeply felt the danger.

Even though she had Enraiha’s overwhelming power, Ayano tended to resort to violence no matter what she did.

Genma(should be Juugo) frequently hoped that she would have a less impulsive way of thinking, as she was the next suzerain.

“Now is not time for you. Wait until there are other missions to be done.”

“...Yes.”

Faced with a barely compliant daughter, Juugo said consolingly, “You have just finished a mission; you must be tired. Get a good rest tonight.”

“...I understand.”

Even though it seemed to be unacceptable, Ayano still did what her father had said. After “bowing,” she rapidly left the room. Juugo didn’t blink until the door was closed, showing a deeply unhappy expression concerning his daughter.


Based upon the text, it seems that the two people talking to Ayano(Juugo and Genma), their names are mixed up. From the first line, it seems Ayano stopped the staredown with Genma and turned to talk to Juugo. Also...Ayano is not Genma's daughter, which is what the text leads too.

also this needs to be looked at-

Even though it seemed to be unacceptable, Ayano still did what her father had said. After “bowing,” she rapidly left the room. Juugo didn’t blink until the door was closed, showing a deeply unhappy expression concerning his daughter.

“...This stubborn daughter.”

Juugo seemingly says “not acceptable,” and sighs deeply. Even though he used this kind of strict manner of speech, no matter what, the care and love for his daughter was hard to hide.
<!-- Is there something missing here?-->

These two people have said the saying many times. To put it correctly, Shingo, due to his younger brother’s death, has a burning fire revenge. Takeya, no matter how many times you tell him to pay attention to his orders he will still forget them, said he was nagging. <!-- Who is saying what to whom --><!-- I don't get this last part. -->

They were waiting for the report, and then immediately to go where Kazuma was. <!-- Something is missing here -->

=== 2 ===
For the Kannagi Clan’s information network, finding where Kazuma was staying was simple.


If someone can, could they look at the original text and possibly retranslate or explain what is going on here? This is before the author formally introduces both Shingo and Takeya. It looks like their whole dialogue was cut off.

Thanks....and
If i find any more situations like this, ill put them in this thread...but itll be a slow process :P



Part one...
Ayano stops her meaningless move(she was looking at Genma but fails to see what he is thinking), and turns towards Jugo to ask..

"So, what do we do next? Eliminate him?"

"We still cannot say for sure that Kazuma is the one who did it. No matter, we should find him and have a chat with him first."

Seeing his daughter who said such words so easily, Jugo sensed danger.

Perhaps due to the mighty power that the Enraiha bears, whenever Ayano is faced with a problem, she is inclined to use power to resolve it. Jugo has always hoped that she is self-aware that she will be the next clan chief, and would need to be more flexible in her thinking.

"There is no need for you to take action at this moment in time. Remain on stand-by until an order is given!"

"......I get it."

Even though she does not seem pleased, but Ayano still obeys her father's words, and quickly leaves the scene after bowing. Up until the paper door is closed, the attitude she portraited by not even looking at Jugo for a moment clearly shows how unhappy she is.

"......This stubborn child."

Jugo sighs as he mutters. But, despite his tone being so bitter, it is still unable to hide that overflowing love for her.

[No, there is nothing missing, it ends here. In fact, from your quote there is something extra?]

=== 2 ===

It was easy for the information network of the Kannagi clan to find out where Kazuma is.


This is the long text you requested... Sorry for the delay... I was obsessed over my sch work and so it slipped my mind for a bit >"< so sorry

Re: Book 1, chapter 2

PostPosted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 3:32 pm
by Nerevarine
Here is another part that im having trouble with-


Even though they didn’t continue their discussion of how to punish him, Shingo hoped Kazuma would at least put up some resistance before he was half-dead. Then they could slowly torture him, as well as what was mentioned before, that and much more.

Takeya slightly separated himself and quickly glanced, being with someone this dangerous, his thoughts from inner self a certain divide. <!-- Note: Unsure of this sentence! please check it for me -->

Just like that a divide in the friendship, appears Kazuma.

Facing them without alertness, Kazuma walks along completely nonchalant——at least as viewed from their perspective——.In order to alert him, Takeya shouts.



what is this about a divide in their friendship? am i reading this right? what caused the rift?

Re: Book 1, chapter 2

PostPosted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 5:07 pm
by Nerevarine
a couple more lines down-

“Know why we are looking for you?”

Takeya pressures Shingo, with his blood-filled eyes ready to release fireballs, using a condescending method of speech.


You dont have to completely retranslate it, but i believe he is pressuring Kazuma(because he is talking to him) not Shingo.
i just needed confirmation before i changed it.

Edit:

another one: this one might need a retranslation

At this time, Ayano was ordered to a certain temple in the city of Yokohama Yamate in order to strengthen the weakening seal inside. The day before the accident, she had encountered the employer of Kazuma —— of course, his single mindedness in heading to a location to vanquish the spirits, without understanding the reason. '''! <!-- Need help here, don’t quite understand meeting Kazuma’s employer? -->'''


this is after the third section

Edit 2:need confirmation if this is the correct word translation-

Ayano, from the front, made a downward stroke with Enraiha and went forward to attack. To attack that white object that had produced the sound “like the sound produced when the water is evaporated in a flat frying pan”.

“Sticky stuff…!?” <!-- Sticky stuff, please put right word in. -->

Ayano said mumbling, faced with the string that had smashed into her.



unless...it supposed to be like that....in which case the author has a really dirty mind.

Re: Book 1, chapter 2

PostPosted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 7:52 pm
by ShadowZeroHeart
First part,
He rattles on explaining how he would execute Kazuma, at the same time thinking that it is best if Kazuma would struggle. No matter what, he would surely torture Kazuma to the brink of death, only then would it bring Kazuma more pain and suffering.

Takeya pulls a distance from him slightly, seeing at how he is now. In his heart he is thinking "so this guy is so dangerous". And so, the distance between their hearts grew even larger.

Just like this, just as a friendship is about to shatter, Kazuma appears.

Facing the defenseless, seemingly casual Kazuma------ To them that is how it seems------ Takeya greets him in a attitudinized manner[or Takeya puts up an acting front and greets him?].


Part two:
"Do you know why we are here?"

Takeya stops Shingo, whose eyes are blood-shot and in his heart filled with desire to release his flames, and uses a tone filled with superiority to say.


[Takeya did not pressure Shingo, but stop him from releasing flames, thus the mistranslation perhaps? Since the actual text gives only the names Shingo and Takeya, Kazuma's name did not appear, thus the misunderstanding?]

part 3:
[sorry, i do not know place names well, will borrow earlier translation and try to use them, if there is any error, please correct them for me.]
At a certain shrine in Yokohama, Yamate, Ayano was ordered to come and strengthen the seal that is about to be broken.

Coincidentally, this place is very close to the place where Kazuma squeezed every drop of his employer------ To put it more correctly, where he exorcised a few days ago, but Ayano knows nothing about it.


[Instead of squeezing every drop of his employer, perhaps you can say extorted from his employer? or every dollar maybe?]

Part 4:
Ayano swings Enraiha from the front, attacking that thing head-on. After the white substance gives off a sound like sprinkling water on a burning hot pot, it vaporises.

"Sticky fluid......?"
[There is another word for it, but i dont feel like using it ^^" this is the alternative: "Mucus......?"]

Seeing that thing that dispersed in all directions, connected by thin threads, Ayano mumbles.


[I checked the words used there, it means mucus, but it sounds weird+bad to me, but it is up to you guys i guess =X]

I will completely retranslate, because i want to give people a comparison to decide. Having just one original script is a big limitation for editors. At the same time, it is easier for me to just retranslate than to rephrase, repicture the original script. It kinda limits one's choices in that manner. =X

And no, Ayano was not smashed into...? or at least not on my chinese text... Japanese text > Chinese text in B-T though, after all it is a Japanese novel...

If you spot any more errors just tell me, just if possible, erm, try to tell me roughly where it appears? i cannot memorise the whole volume ^^" it would help me find the text more easily.

If i ever finish translating all that is available, i will take a look at the earlier chapters i guess

Re: Book 1, chapter 2

PostPosted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 7:57 am
by Nerevarine
Thanks for the help. and next time ill try to point out where the problems are better, heh. My bad.

some comments though-

for the first part, maybe it was just me? but based on how the translation was proceeding so far, using such strong words as "shatter" for their friendship, seems way to much. Ill try to tone it down a bit, calling it a rift.

part two:
earlier, i tried to make it as small a segment as i could, but after re-reading it, there is this one part that i simply cant get my head around.

(this uses lines before and after "part two" as well)
“Long time no see, Kazuma!”

“Ah, the successor from the Oogami?”

At such a time, Takeya was waiting for the instance in which Kazuma was connecting his memories with the present time. <!--ED: I fixed it up so that it is more fluid….but I have no idea what the statement means-->

It’s this kind of prideful self-elevation that results in lagging concentration.

“Shingo, remember why we are here.”

Takeya stoped Shingo, whose eyes are blood-shot and heart filled with the desire to release his flames. Shingo used a tone filled with superiority to reply.

“Nope, I already forgot.”

Shingo’s reply could only be described as “couldn’t be more direct,” but it also carried some amount of defiance. He was also scrunching his head and neck, making certain exaggerating and sarcastic actions, and then shook his head in denial. As expected, he managed to piss off Takeya enough so that his veins started showing.



This is with the previous text. I have your re-translation with it currently edited so that it fits in with the current translation. You dont have to re-re-translate it though :P

part three- Perfect, no comments, i understood immediately what the author was trying to say

part four- Im going to use your translation, because even though Jap>Chin, im gonna go with "I can now understand this"> "woah, that was dirty, did the author really mean it that way!?"
or maybe it was just me who saw it that way, anyways, i also think "slammed" is too strong and too misleading a word to be used to try and convey the author's meaning

Re: Book 1, chapter 2

PostPosted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 8:13 am
by ShadowZeroHeart
Nerevarine wrote:for the first part, maybe it was just me? but based on how the translation was proceeding so far, using such strong words as "shatter" for their friendship, seems way to much. Ill try to tone it down a bit, calling it a rift.

part two:
earlier, i tried to make it as small a segment as i could, but after re-reading it, there is this one part that i simply cant get my head around.

(this uses line before and after "part two" as well)
“Long time no see, Kazuma!”

“Ah, the successor from the Oogami?”

At such a time, Takeya was waiting for the instance in which Kazuma was connecting his memories with the present time. <!--ED: I fixed it up so that it is more fluid….but I have no idea what the statement means-->

It’s this kind of prideful self-elevation that results in lagging concentration.

“Shingo, remember why we are here.”

Takeya stoped Shingo, whose eyes are blood-shot and heart filled with the desire to release his flames. Shingo used a tone filled with superiority to reply.

“Nope, I already forgot.”

Shingo’s reply could only be described as “couldn’t be more direct,” but it also carried some amount of defiance. He was also scrunching his head and neck, making certain exaggerating and sarcastic actions, and then shook his head in denial. As expected, he managed to piss off Takeya enough so that his veins started showing.



Yes, rift would be a good word, i hav a poor eng vocab bank, so i cannot think of good words at times...
Okays here is the part you asked...

"Long time no see, Kazuma!"

"......Oh, it is the successor of the Oogami family."

A moment of pause, that was the time needed for Kazuma to recollect his memories. But, Takeya took it as a display of shock as he realized that he is ambushed. The uprising arrogant mentality gradually weakened his concentration.

"Do you know why we are here?"

Takeya stops Shingo, whose eyes are blood-shot and in his heart filled with desire to release his flames, and uses a tone filled with superiority to say.

"No idea."

Kazuma's reply cannot be any more honest, but at the same time it is not entirely without any sense of a taunt in it. He uses a joking action to exaggeratedly shrug his shoulders, and then shakes his head. As expected[ or naturally], veins appear at Takeya's temple.


Okay, if there is anything else, just ask =X or if you prefer i re-translate the whole thing, just drop a call, or else i might not do it, since all the problems are being identified by you ^^

Re: Book 1, chapter 2

PostPosted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 8:24 am
by Nerevarine
Woah! i wasnt xpecting a reply so fast, nice

ok thanks, ill implement all the changes im making as soon as i finish editing the whole chapter.

Edit: just a rant, but i dont like how it cuts immediately from Takeya's talk to Kazuma, to Takeya trying to calm Shingo down, to right back to Kazuma's answer, or maybe its just me. But if thats how the original text is...o well...

Edit 2: also...was it Shingo who said "No idea" or Kazuma....because the text before makes it seem like Shingo said it, and yet the text after makes it seem like Kazuma said it.

Re: Book 1, chapter 2

PostPosted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 8:38 am
by ShadowZeroHeart
Nerevarine wrote:Woah! i wasnt xpecting a reply so fast, nice

ok thanks, ill implement all the changes im making as soon as i finish editing the whole chapter.

Edit: just a rant, but i dont like how it cuts immediately from Takeya's talk to Kazuma, to Takeya trying to calm Shingo down, to right back to Kazuma's answer, or maybe its just me. But if thats how the original text is...o well...

also...was it Shingo who said "No idea" or Kazuma....because the text before makes it seem like Shingo said it, and yet the text after makes it seem like Kazuma said it.


Sorry.... what do you mean by the cutting from Takeya's talk to Kazuma then to Takeya calming Shingo back to Kazuma's answer?

Takeya asked Kazuma whether he knows why Shingo and Takeya are here, and Kazuma answers "no idea" to mock or maybe he doesnt know the reason.

Re: Book 1, chapter 2

PostPosted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 8:46 am
by Nerevarine
Ok,so if it was Kazuma who said "no idea"

why does the line before say "and uses a tone filled with superiority to say." When the line is talking about Takeya and Shingo.

Edited:

Re: Book 1, chapter 2

PostPosted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 8:53 am
by ShadowZeroHeart
Nerevarine wrote:Ok,so if it was Kazuma who said "no idea"

why does the line before say "and uses a tone filled with superiority to say." When the line is talking about Takeya and Shingo.

Edited:


He feels superior to Kazuma whom he thought is shakened by the ambush. and the superiority line is talking about Takeya's words

Re: Book 1, chapter 2

PostPosted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 9:09 am
by Nerevarine
Ah! ok, i get it now.

im gonna change it up so that nobody else who is as incompetent as me makes the same mistake, hehe


"Do you know why we are here?"

Takeya used a tone filled with superiority to say. At the same moment, Takeya calms Shingo, whose eyes are blood-shot and whose heart is filled with the desire to release his flames.

"No idea."

Kazuma's reply.... yadda yadda


Re: Book 1, chapter 2

PostPosted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 9:10 am
by ShadowZeroHeart
Nerevarine wrote:Ah! ok, i get it now.

im gonna change it up so that nobody else who is as incompetent as me makes the same mistake, hehe


"Do you know why we are here?"

Takeya used a tone filled with superiority to say. At the same moment, Takeya calms Shingo, whose eyes are blood-shot and whose heart is filled with the desire to release his flames.

"No idea."

Kazuma's reply.... yadda yadda


works fine with me =X