[ch 1] I pressed my numbing back head and turned around slow

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[ch 1] I pressed my numbing back head and turned around slow

Postby Da~Mike » Mon Aug 07, 2006 10:36 am

I pressed my numbing back head and turned around slowly.

(alt translation from Cruzz's site: http://koti.mbnet.fi/~cruzz/haruhi/Haruhi.html)

Turning back forward holding my ringing head, ...


Suggested change:

I turned back slowly, holding my ringing head.


--The naming game 13:47, 1 May 2006 (PDT)


I re-read the passage where this line originated from and unless we re-structure that passage, the only changes that are suitable are ones that stick with the raw translation noted above. I've given it quite a bit of thought and I've found it impossible to use a sentence that seems more coherent than the raw translation, given the order that the passage has been written in. Thus, here's my suggestion to re-structuring the passage:


* The original

Haruhi finally let go of my collar. I pressed my numbing back head and turned around slowly. I noticed that the whole class looked totally awestruck. The freshly-graduated newbie teacher, with her chalk in her hand, stared at me and looked as if she was ready to cry.


* My suggestion

Haruhi finally let go of my collar. Whilst massaging the back of my head, which was now throbbing, I turned around slowly, only to find that the whole class was completely dumbstruck. The freshly-graduated fledgling teacher, with a chalk in her hand, stared at me and looked as if she was about to cry.


I note that since this is one of my suggestions, a change like mine may not be "like a needle in a hay stack". I invite anyone else to have an attempt at changing this. Hopefully someone might come up with a suggestion that will meld in perfectly with the rest of the text.


--Da~Mike 00:53, 7 May 2006 (GMT)

I've made a change here, based a bit off of the discussion here. Please take a look and edit more if needed.

--BlckKnght 13:24, 30 May 2006 (PDT)
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