Readability Edits

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fibrizo
Astral Realm

Readability Edits

Post by fibrizo »

Hello, I don't know if this is the right place to address this. But I love the index series and even picked up some of the original light novels. However since it's been years since I've lived in Japan, it's painfully slow for me to do full text translations. I have done fansubbing and scanlation translating before, however I don't have as much time as I used to as a student.

None the less, some of the earlier novels appear to be almost machine translated, or translated without a native english speaker editing.

I was tempted to go through and slowly redo some of them in what I would call "english readability edits" Most of the meaning is there, and there are some wording substitutions and additions to make it flow in english. I don't pretent to be 100% absolutely literal with the Japanese (long ago gave that up) but I do think that what I use is close to what the author intended or would have used if it was being written in english.

Anyways I didn't want to mess with the wiki because I don't want to offend anyone or make any changes that I shouldn't. But I do feel like my verisons flow much better for english readers. Here's an example. I just did the prologue for book 15. Please leave comments or suggestions. I'm totally open to them since haven't read the original japanese for this volume. (I only own volume 20 so far) You can open the original on baka-tsuki for comparison.

Book 15 Prologue
Spoiler! :
There are blind spots in any system.

Take a certain janitorial closet in a large department store, for example.

The department store staff thinks it's being used by janitorial staff, while the janitorial staff thinks it's being used by department store staff. Since it's off-limits to customers, no security cameras were installed, and nobody watches it. So nobody goes inside, even though everybody knows of it, and thus it becomes a room that even security does not know what is inside.

Normally, a metal door keeps it shut tight.

But things are different right now.

Using a key he obtained previously, Tsuchimikado Motoharu opens the door, located in a corner of the department store. Inside, it looks like a small bar.

What he sees in front of him is a large sofa that can seat more than ten and beside it is a long, small table. Further in is something that looks like a bar counter. It's clear that the world is completely different once you pass this door.

"Welcome."
Upon spotting Tsuchimikado come in, a cheerful man's voice flows out from within.
Standing behind the counter is a man even shorter than Tsuchimikado, and by the looks, probably a college student. Matching his frivolous looks, his attire is a suit some brand created. There is no necktie and three of the shirt's buttons are unfastened, revealing the man’s chest.

He has four or five mobile phones swinging from his neck, the man’s nickname is “Talent Placement” (Management).

As he leans onto the counter with his elbow, he says,
"Oh, I apologize. Creating a light atmosphere is part of what we do in the service industry. This is all set up to create a mood where we can talk easily. I can change if you would like?"

"Nah, this will do.”, says Tsuchimikado, as Management smiles broadly.

Tsuchimikado tosses the key he carried, and Management catches it with one hand. And with that in hand, Management moves out from behind the counter, and changes the conversation.

"Well, then, I wonder what kind of stuff you're looking for? Today, we have a special on some great sensor disruptors for cracking safes. Business has been bad for those in the money laundering field. As usual, we're at a shortage of people due to the new regulations that came in after the September 30 incident. As for the rest, it's business as usual."
There are several people are involved in in the chain of money with robberies and thefts.
There are roles like transportation, lock picking, breaking-in, and money laundering. If you don’t have all of them in place, it doesn’t mean much if even if you could pull off the heist.

Management happens to be a person who supplies the necessary manpower for parts of these operations and earns referral fees for doing so.

"I usually get business via the net or email. It’s rare to have people visit me in person."

"Have I done something wrong?"

"Nah. There's no risk right now. Oh yes, you want a drink?"

Tsuchimikado scans the shelf behind Management. Upon seeing the large metal cans, he slightly frowns.

"I'm not into drinking paint thinners."

"Oh, you’ve got it all wrong. Those are solvents are for wiping off oil-based inks. It’s important stuff for a business like this. The alcohol's inside the refrigerator, and it's the really good stuff."

"Either way, I think I'll pass."

Even though Tsuchimikado declined, Management does not change his expression.

"No time to be both tense and drunk, huh? Oh, well, that's to be expected for this kind of work. Let's continue with business then. What item are you looking for?"

"Sorry. I'm not looking for items, either."

“Huh?”

Tsuchimikado continues to speak nonchalantly that to Management, who continues to be puzzled.

"I'm not here as a customer. I'm here to clean up."

Management’s jaw drops for a moment.

However, when he sees Tsuchimikado draw his gun from his belt, he immediately dives for cover behind the counter.

Tsuchimikado nonchalantly squeezes the trigger.

Successive gunshots echo “BAM!BAM!BAM!”. The bullets punch holes into the paint thinner cans on the shelf behind the counter, immediately filling the room with a disagreeable smell.

‘That b*stard...!?’, thinks Management. While remaining hidden, he reaches for the bulletproof jacket and submachine gun hidden behind the counter.

As soon as he inserts one magazine and pulls on the slide to load the bullets, Tsuchimikado's gunshots suddenly stop. Management looks up and tries to ascertain the situation.

‘Is he out of bullets?’ thinks Management, now covered in paint thinner. However, he immediately gets a different answer.

The scratching sound of cigarette lighter is heard.

Management's throat dries up.

Before he can say anything, Tsuchimikado tosses the burning lighter onto the counter.

Management doesn’t have time to think. He throws away the bulletproof jacket and submachine gun, jumps out from behind the counter.

The lighter falls on a puddle of paint thinner, and with a *VOOM!* an explosive flame rolls up.

Management, having barely escaped it, notices that the handgun is being jammed right into him.

He raises his hands, and exclaims loudly, "WAIT, WAIT! I GOT IT, I GOT IT! I SURRENDER---"

Without a second thought, Tsuchimikado pulls the trigger.

As he hears the *BAM!* sound of a gun discharge, Management looks in a panic at his own chest.

There, a dark red hole has opened up.

"Y, you, Mikuru. I told you I surrender..." , Management manages to struggle out, as he collapses onto the floor.

Without a change in expression, Tsuchimikado first checks whether Management is breathing, then pulls out his mobile phone.

After punching in a number, he curtly reports to the answering party,"Time for collection."

The person on the other end says something back.

To this, Tsuchimikado continues to speak. "After this, I'll look for his address and check out various stuff. Get in touch with the grunts. … No, don’t bother with an ambulance, a hearse will do. I'll look for info based on the registered addresses. … Accelerator is --- gone?!"

Tch, Tsuchimikado tut-tuts and continues, "I see. So he's doing stuff over there right now, huh. Can't be helped, then. You're going out, Unabara. And take over for Musujime as backup. See you then."

Tsuchimikado hangs up his mobile phone.

Tsuchimikado Motoharu, Accelerator, Unabara Mitsuki, and Musujime Awaki.

These four are part of [GROUP], a small team that exists in solely in the underworld, working to defend the mainstream society.
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Snorca
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Re: Readability Edits

Post by Snorca »

I don't speak for all of the readers out there, but I find a lot of the translation on the wiki to be very fluid and readable. Those that I feel need more clarification I normally try to fix it if possible and I believe everyone is encouraged to do the same whenever possible, so don't worry about treading toes. If you made a change that someone doesn't agree with, I believe someone will make a note of it.

About that sample, I think you use a tad too many commas and they makes some of your sentences confusing.

For example: "Using a key he obtained previously, Tsuchimikado Motoharu opens the door, located in a corner of the department store."
This sentence makes it sound like the key was located and obtained in a corner of the department store, not the door. Removing the second comma corrects the problem.

The sentence after that: "Inside, it looks like a small bar."
What is the "it"? Certainly, it is rather obvious that the "it" is the area behind the door, but it is not painfully obvious because three separate objects were mentioned beforehand: the key, the door, and the department store.

Nitpicking aside, I notice that your style seems to be writing in a way that provides fluidity in actions but at the same time trying to maintain the role of a storyteller instead of a commentator. I'll just say flat out, don't try. It's really difficult. I'll provide an example from your sample.

"Tsuchimikado tosses the key he carried, and Management catches it with one hand. And with that in hand, Management moves out from behind the counter, and changes the conversation."

The first sentence is like commentating. The narrator tells each action separately and can be distinguished from each other. However, the whole "And with that in hand, Management..." is something a storyteller would do. A commentator telling the sequence of events wouldn't say this because of redundancy. At the same time, a storyteller wouldn't put the first sentence as a compound because they're separate things... I said nitpicking aside, but this is also nitpicking... Either way, this part, due to the redundancy, ruins the fluidity.

Going along with this, I find some of your word choices strange. For example: the use of "upon" in present tense speaking is very awkward. If writing in present tense, the reader is supposed to feel that he is there along with the characters watching every action as they are happening, not knowing they happened after the fact. "Upon seeing the large metal cans, he slightly frowns[,]" can better be said without the word "pon." This gives the feeling that we are there when Tsuchimikado was looking around and spotting the cans instead of feeling that there was a gap inbetween where the reader was possibly looking elsewhere until Tsuchimikado suddenly notices the metal cans.

I haven't looked at the original chapter 15 yet, so I can't say which is better. This just my 2 cents after skimming through your sample editing.
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