Edits by the Masses [Mult. Chaps.]

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Omio
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Post by Omio »

Excuse the double post.
Koizumi stood beside me and smiled wryly as he carried the placards with the script written on them. The placards were basically a sketch book in which Haruhi wrote the script without even thinking a while ago.
Being in drama, aren't these called Prompt Cards?

EDIT: Typo. Lawl.

Editting as this:
Koizumi stood beside me and smiled wryly as he carried the prompt cards. The 'prompt cards' were basically a sketch book in which Haruhi wrote the script without even thinking a while ago.


Oh! Oh! One more!
Haruhi then grabbed up her bag with all her force and bolted out of the room.
'Grabbed'? Try 'picked', maybe.
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Beware the talking cat
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Post by Beware the talking cat »

I like grabbed up. Although it is non-standard, it is very flavorful.
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quigonkenny
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Post by quigonkenny »

Omio wrote:
Koizumi stood beside me and smiled wryly as he carried the placards with the script written on them. The placards were basically a sketch book in which Haruhi wrote the script without even thinking a while ago.
Being in drama, aren't these called Prompt Cards?
True, but does Kyon know that? One of the defining characteristics of Kyon's narration/speech is his intermittent expert knowledge. He consistently makes spot-on comparisons between the current messed-up situation and some obscure psychological or historical reference, and he can be positively poetic when talking about Mikuru, but he's often saying stupid or ignorant things or describing ordinary things or situations with an apparent lack of (sometimes common) knowledge. Maybe we should check and see if the original Japanese was a descriptive phrase that was "translated verbatim", or was the correct Japanese term (whatever "prompt cards" is in Japanese) that was only translated as it was because the translator didn't know the correct English term.
Omio wrote:
Haruhi then grabbed up her bag with all her force and bolted out of the room.
'Grabbed'? Try 'picked', maybe.
How about "snatched"?
Haruhi then snatched up her bag with all her force and bolted from the room.
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Omio
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Post by Omio »

quigonkenny wrote:
Omio wrote: Being in drama, aren't these called Prompt Cards?
True, but does Kyon know that? One of the defining characteristics of Kyon's narration/speech is his intermittent expert knowledge. He consistently makes spot-on comparisons between the current messed-up situation and some obscure psychological or historical reference, and he can be positively poetic when talking about Mikuru, but he's often saying stupid or ignorant things or describing ordinary things or situations with an apparent lack of (sometimes common) knowledge. Maybe we should check and see if the original Japanese was a descriptive phrase that was "translated verbatim", or was the correct Japanese term (whatever "prompt cards" is in Japanese) that was only translated as it was because the translator didn't know the correct English term.
Omio wrote: 'Grabbed'? Try 'picked', maybe.
How about "snatched"?
Haruhi then snatched up her bag with all her force and bolted from the room.
'nuff said.
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Omio
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Post by Omio »

I should grab my Double-poster userbar. -_-'

Chapter 3:

(Use Ctrl + F.)
sherpas
Hyperlink-Define, please?
The smile on Koizumi's face now read "Oh shit." Serves you right!
Uhm... Aren't we supposed to speak english, not vulgar?
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Dan
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Post by Dan »

I think Sherpas are the natives of Tibet, I read "Into Thin Air" a long time ago and the author was talking about them helping with the expedition up Mount Everest.
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Omio
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Post by Omio »

Very end of Chapter 5:

"The events depicted in this movie are fictitious. It has nothing to do with any person, organization, and any other known terms and phenomena. It's all made up nonsense. Any resemblance to the above is purely coincidental. Oh, the commercials are different. Please give your support to Oomori Electronics and the Yamatsuchi Model Store! Huh? You want me to repeat it? The events depicted in this movie are fictitious. It has nothing to do with any person, organization... Kyon, why do I have to say this? Isn’t it obvious?"

Maybe cut off 'Organization' for a little more comedy?

"The events depicted in this movie are fictitious. It has nothing to do with any person, organization, and any other known terms and phenomena. It's all made up nonsense. Any resemblance to the above is purely coincidental. Oh, the commercials are different. Please give your support to Oomori Electronics and the Yamatsuchi Model Store! Huh? You want me to repeat it? The events depicted in this movie are fictitious. It has nothing to do with any person, organiza-- Kyon, why do I have to say this? Isn’t it obvious?"

After reply - lock. Next volume!
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Dan
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Post by Dan »

Hahaha, that's good! Sounds more like Haruhi.

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