[ch 0] Prologue - clarification

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Nandeyanen
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Post by Nandeyanen »

It is a good thing to be freaking high-spirited, but what is the basis?
Freaking has a negative connotation which kind of clashes with Kyon claiming it to be a 'good thing'.
Look at me here, I'm not even wearing a sweater.
Did you mean something more along the lines of: "Here, look at me, I'm not even wearing a sweater." Here being used as more of a point, as opposed to a location. If it's supposed to be used as a location, I think it would be better if altered to: "Look here, at me, I'm not even wearing a sweater."
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Post by Nandeyanen »

who threw her bag as soon as she closed the door
Threw her bag in the room? Threw her bag open?
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Post by Nandeyanen »

Mom will probably order me to help in decorating this year as well.
I suggest changing it to: "Mom will probably force me to help in decorating again this year." The main alterations being; order -> force, and as well -> again. Comments? Additionally, I apologize if I seem to be too picky with wording, as I seem to be bothering you with questions quite frequently.
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harunako
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Post by harunako »

Not bothering at all! I do my translations whenever I have time (e.g. at work... :wink: ), so I know the wordings would get funny here and there. 'm actually very glad that somebody takes the time to plow through the translations and dig out all the rocks. Thanks for your quick notifications.

As I'm in my office, I cannot type long sentences on a forum. So my apologies as well if I sound unappreciative.

And the answers, from "evens out":

1. Agreed.

2. Haha. Original text: やたら元気になのはいいことだが、
"Yatara" is a word of negative connotation, even to the point of "disdainfully". Actually that runs good with Kyon's overall impression of Taniguchi. So actually the "It is a good thing" gives the wrong connotation. --> It is fine to be freaking high-spirited (?)

3. "Here, look at me" is fine.

4. Original text: 扉を閉めるなり鞄を投げ出したハルヒは
The original text only says "she throws out her bag," but to where it is not specified. --> who threw her bag in as soon as she closed the door

5. Agreed.
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Post by Nandeyanen »

As I turned my eyes onto Nagato, unsurprisingly, the petite, short-haired, silent girl just continued her reading with her triangular hat still on.
Another editor removed the period before "with her triangular hat still on', and I was wondering if you had it there purposefully to emphasize that portion. Also, I think it could be altered to "while still wearing her triangular hat", though that's a minor thing.
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harunako
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Post by harunako »

It should be a separate sentence, to conform with the original text. Putting them in one sentence makes the snap less fun.
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Post by Nandeyanen »

"I am having it here. The necessary hardware is all here, and all that remains is just the food. Let's see... Better bring a rice cooker. By the way, alcohol is strictly prohibited. I have vowed in my heart that I am not drinking for the rest of my life."

Try vowing about something else!
Shouldn't the "about" be "by" or possibly "upon"? It seems as if Kyon is refering to Haruhi vowing 'in her heart' and is commenting on how her heart isn't something that should be vowed upon.
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Post by Nandeyanen »

When we pass through the school gate, Taniguchi's expression is like he is halfway through his laughs.
Perhaps "Taniguchi's expression shows that his laughter is subsiding" is clearer. Or is the sentence trying to say he's laughing, but trying to stifle it? Something like partially laughing?
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Post by Nandeyanen »

That Itsuki. He brought up all the talks on Christmas Eve just for the desire to show off?
"He brought up all the talks on Christmas Eve just to satifsy his desire to show off"?
The school is famous for her classy ladies, but even more enviable is that they do not need to walk the murderous slope.
Does Kyon attach a gender to the girl's school? Or should it just be "its"?
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harunako
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Post by harunako »

1. Original sentence:
…あたしはもう一生飲まないって心に誓っているからね」
もっと別のことを誓ってほしかったが、…

Kyon is asking Haruhi to vow about something else except not drinking. So "about," not "by". "Upon" is fine but ambiguous.

2. This is one ambiguous sentence. Originally:
校門を過ぎながら谷口は半分笑った顔する。

My interpretation is that Taniguchi is half way pass his laughs. Translating as "subsiding" is right in context but wrong in focus -- "Subsiding" focuses on that half the laugh is gone. "Halfway pass" focuses on that half the laugh is still there.

3. Should be fine.

4. "Its" should be fine.
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Post by Nandeyanen »

1. Would this work?
"Since I have already pledged to my heart that for whole life, I will not
drink.

I wanted you to vow something different..."

2. It seems like the sentence might mean something like:
"After we passed the school gate, Taniguchi expression showed that he had half laughed."
Though I may be wrong...
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Post by Nandeyanen »

Err... for the previous post, in 1, I meant to have pledged be vowed. Though, now that I think about it, I believe that 'swear' might be the correct word to use, since it's more frequently used in casual conversations, and is often used as an expression.
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harunako
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Post by harunako »

1. The line you suggested is very good. I originally used "swear," but then changed to "vow" as I fear "swear" has a negative connotation. However, if "swear" is considered casual and fine, go ahead! Humm but give me your suggestion before making the changes on wiki.

The "Try vowing/swearing on something else!" translation... what's wrong with it? "I wanted you to..." does not sound snappy / cynical enough to me :P

2. The line is not that good. It is not natural English. "Half pass his laughs" should suffice for the moment.
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Post by Nandeyanen »

1. Well, I thought that the "I wanted you..." portion was a more accurate translation, as the "Try vowing on something else" doesn't really include ほしかった which I think is a pretty important part. And although it might not be as snappy, it seems to be a bit more sarcastic. I think a better alteration actually might be "I'd rather you vow something else..."

2. Yeah, I couldn't really fit "expression/face" into the sentence cleanly. Since I don't know japanese very well, I didn't really understand why 顔 was used in the sentence. It seems to be unnecessary. Is it just there to clarify where the laugh is coming from? Anyways, I'll let you know if I can find a better wording for this one.
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harunako
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Post by harunako »

1. "I'd rather you vow something else" is good.

2. Some background: ...顔をしている is a fixed expression for "sb's making a face of..." or "sb's having an expression of." It actually is quite redundant if translated directly to English, and often I translate it as "He looks like...". What would you write if "face/expression" can be omitted?
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