[ch 0] Prologue - clarification

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[ch 0] Prologue - clarification

Post by Nandeyanen »

When we become eleventh grade next year
Is the correct sentence, "When we become eleventh graders next year" or is it "When we enter eleventh grade next year"?
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Post by Nandeyanen »

This sentence also sounds odd to me...
The tone resounded with the unsaid implication that "You will not possibly have any plans, I know; you have already understood crystal clear, right?" and held the power that would release a blizzard in no time if a Yes was heard.
It sounds as if the, "yes" would be for the "you have already understood..." portion, in which case, Haruhi would not seem to have a need to become upset and "release a blizzard". Clarification?
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Post by Nandeyanen »

Shaking the die on his palm, Koizumi gave a dramatic sigh. It was in fact deliberate, with the strong odor of a knave.
Would it be better worded, "and smelled strongly like a knave"? I don't really know, but it seems a little odd to me. If it's correct as is, should "odor" be more of a negatively inclined word like "stench," or more neutral like "scent"?

On a different note, why is edit disabled?
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Post by Nandeyanen »

Now matter I am to do it or not, some days later my sister's room will definitely be well decorated for Christmas.
Correct sentence is, "No matter whether I aim to do it or not..."? Or something different?
When you go to Rome, do as Rome does
Correct expression is, "When in Rome, do as Romans do," however, the main problem would be whether Haruhi actually says "When you go to Rome, do as Rome does". It's sometimes hard to determine when authors purposely have characters misuse grammar, or when they have characters purposely misuse expressions.
That was fine, but from the outside the words would be reflected, you know!
Would "reversed" or "mirrored" work better? Which better captures the meaning of the original sentence?
Suzumiya-san psychology has stabilized a lot
Is the original more like "Suzumiya-san's psychology has stabilized a lot", or is it "Suzumiya-san has stabilized a lot psychologically"?[/quote]
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Post by Nandeyanen »

To her now, the SOS Brigade is an indispensible gathering. Here she can find you, she can find Asahina-san. Nagato-san is essential, and, pardon my self-deceit, but I guess I am also. All of us nearly become one heart and one flesh.
Would "self-deceit" be better replaced with "arrogance" or "pompousness"?
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Post by harunako »

Humm editing is disabled? Nande? *Shoot a glance at onizuka-gto*

1. When we enter eleventh grade next year

2. The Yes is for the previous question "Anyone having prior plans for Christmas Eve?"
Probably this would be clearer --> "The tone resounded with the unsaid implication "You will not possibly have any plans, I know; you have already understood crystal clear, right?" It held the power that would release a blizzard in no time if anybody answered Yes for prior plans."

3. Original sentence: イカサマの香りがプンプンする。"Kaori" takes a neutral meaning "scent," but the whole sentence is definitely derogative. So I will pick "stench." --> It was in fact deliberate, and stank strongly like a knave.

4. No matter whether I do it or not
(dun know if it creates confusion, as Kyon is going to do it anyway when his mom orders it)

5. It is not from the author, but from my not knowing the correct wordings for the phrase... But preserving the parallel between this sentence and the following one ---> When in Rome, do as Romans do. When in a village, follow the village's rules. (*That ryhmes!*)

6. mirrored

7. Suzumiya-san's psychology has stabilized a lot

8. pompousness

Thanks!
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Post by Nandeyanen »

I found another part that needs some clarification.
I reply, turn my head straight again, and look ruefully up at the top of the slope of a distant height.
Would distant be better replaced with great? Maybe something like "look ruefully up towards the top of the slope of a great altitude." or just simply, "...towards the top of the tall slope."
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Post by Nandeyanen »

Also...
"Isn't that mellow cute? Mikuru-chan, have more confidence in yourself!"
Mellow doesn't seem to be the correct word to use, though I may be wrong.
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Post by harunako »

1. Okay, put it this way then --> and look ruefully up that distant and high slope top.

2. Using the word "damn" would definitely make it, but I want a more moe word =P Any ideas?
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Post by Nandeyanen »

1. Changed to: "I reply, turn my head straight again, and look ruefully up at the top of that distant, steep slope."

2. How about... "Isn't that super adorably cute? Mikuru-chan, have more confidence in yourself!"
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Post by harunako »

1. Disagreed.
Original sentence: と俺は返答し、また前を向いて遥かな高みにある坂のてっぺんを恨めしく眺める。
The slope is not distant and steep. The top is distant and high. Please advise.

2. Agreed.
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Post by Nandeyanen »

Actually, the current wording, "I reply, turn my head straight again, and look ruefully up at the high distant peak at the end of the slope." seems to work well enough as is, though I think I would change 'end' to 'top'. Also, I was wondering if 'ruefully' would be better replaced with 'disdainfully', to show a greater sense of dislike.
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Post by Nandeyanen »

So with further consideration, the revision of that sentence that I would suggest would be, "I reply, turn to turn to face forward once again, and disdainfully gaze at the summit of the distant high hill."
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Post by harunako »

agreed.
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Post by Nandeyanen »

Well, Haruhi did not do all this to celebrate anyway; she just wanted a excuse to make a fuss, so I guess they got even on that.
Would it be better reworded to, "so I guess it evens out."?
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