[ch 0] Prologue - clarification

Discuss topics concerning this volume

Moderators: Fringe Security Bureau, Senior Editors, Senior Translators, Alt. Language Translator/Editor, Executive Council, Project Translators, Project Editors

User avatar
Nandeyanen
Senior Project Editor
Posts: 82
Joined: Sun Jun 18, 2006 5:45 am
Favourite Light Novel: Ahouka!
Location: California, USA

Post by Nandeyanen »

Err, actually, here's what it is...

校門を過ぎながら谷口は半分笑った顔する。
Current translation: "When we pass through the school gate, Taniguchi was like he was halfway through his laughs." (harunako's preferred translation)

My interpretation: "After we passed through the school gate, Taniguchi was still half laughing."


「古泉くんは?彼女とデートとかするの?」
Current translation: "Koizumi, are you dating your girlfriend?" (harunako's preferred translation)

My prefered translation: "Koizumi, are you going to be on a date with your girlfriend?"
User avatar
Nandeyanen
Senior Project Editor
Posts: 82
Joined: Sun Jun 18, 2006 5:45 am
Favourite Light Novel: Ahouka!
Location: California, USA

Post by Nandeyanen »

On a different note...
And Nagato is reading a hard-cover book, while still having the triangular hat on her head today.
I think it sounds better as: "And today, Nagato is reading a hard-cover book... while, once again, wearing her triangular hat on her head." Also, the
"on her head" portion might be unnecessary as it's a bit redundant.
User avatar
Tanuki
Astral Realm

Post by Tanuki »

harunako wrote:
...

3. Original sentence: イカサマの香りがプンプンする。"Kaori" takes a neutral meaning "scent," but the whole sentence is definitely derogative. So I will pick "stench." --> It was in fact deliberate, and stank strongly like a knave.

...
Wouldn't this be more on the order of "stank of fraud" or "stank of trickery" (or perhaps "knavery" but that's uncommon usage)?
User avatar
Nandeyanen
Senior Project Editor
Posts: 82
Joined: Sun Jun 18, 2006 5:45 am
Favourite Light Novel: Ahouka!
Location: California, USA

Post by Nandeyanen »

I agree, but I believe that, "stank strongly of insincerity," "stank strongly of phoniness" or "stank strongly of falsity" seem to better fit the context.
User avatar
harunako
Astral Realm

Post by harunako »

"stank strongly of phoniness" is good... But are there more casual expressions along such meanings? Sorry that I started with the big word "knave."
User avatar
filthychimp
Astral Realm

Post by filthychimp »

I think it sounds weird because the audience doesn't know exactly what smells. Since Koizumi just sighed, it leaves the reader wondering whether his breath literally stank like trickery. So,

"It was in fact deliberate, his actions reeked of trickery."

"Reeked" fits perfectly here, since it's stronger than "smelled" and also has a negative connotation. Being specific that his actions are trickery takes care of the phonyness/falsehood angles as well.
User avatar
harunako
Astral Realm

Post by harunako »

I think fifthychimp has read too much into it. No need to specify what the it is, as it can be inferred ("the sigh"). "Reeked" or "stank" are both very fine.
User avatar
SubordinateFive
Astral Realm

Post by SubordinateFive »

Haven't read Volume 4 yet, but here's a quote I found while Googling the phrase "reeked of trickery"...maybe it'll give you some synonyms you may want.
HammerBlog wrote:These bets flat out stank - they reeked of trickery, indignity and odious behavior. They carried the aroma of theft.
(url: http://www.hammerblog.com/archives/2006 ... ew_da.html)
User avatar
Nandeyanen
Senior Project Editor
Posts: 82
Joined: Sun Jun 18, 2006 5:45 am
Favourite Light Novel: Ahouka!
Location: California, USA

Post by Nandeyanen »

I don't think trickery would be correct, as it doesn't seem as if Kyon would comment on Itsuki's smile being deceiving. Instead, I think it seems more like Kyon is saying that it is fake and insincere.
User avatar
extraclassiclite
Astral Realm

Post by extraclassiclite »

Well, there you go. Insincerity.
User avatar
Guest
Astral Realm

Post by Guest »

I feel that most suggestions above made sense
a milder/casual take
It was in fact deliberate, and scented fishy
User avatar
Ravager
Astral Realm

Post by Ravager »

Nandeyanen wrote: 校門を過ぎながら谷口は半分笑った顔する。
Current translation: "When we pass through the school gate, Taniguchi was like he was halfway through his laughs." (harunako's preferred translation)

My interpretation: "After we passed through the school gate, Taniguchi was still half laughing."
This is an awkward sentence, the half/way laughing seems unneeded in the actual sentence to begin with. (Yes I'm a native english speaker)
In fact, it probably would make more sense (to english speakers) as: "After we passed through the school gate, Taniguchi was still laughing uproariously."

After this sentence, however, if Taniguchi stops laughing and begins to talk or simply shuts up, then you would need to mention that in one of the next lines.

For example: "After we passed through the school gate, Taniguchi was still laughing uproariously." We began walking down the hill. After Taniguchi's laughter subsided, he turned his head and said, <insert following lines here>

I'm not saying your translation is wrong by any means, I'm just saying that the sentence doesn't translate well in english; it sounds like something a middle-school aged child would write in an essay, and it wouldn't be a smart kid either. :lol: So, instead of ruining the flow of the story, I would rather see it changed slightly to maintain the quality of writing.
User avatar
harunako
Astral Realm

Translator's second pitch

Post by harunako »

Thanks Ravager for reigniting my thoughts on the problematic translation. Yeah, why not rearrange? It sounds ackward anyways.

Here is my second pitch:
"When we passed through the school gate, Taniguchi was still having trouble hiding his laughs."

How's that?
User avatar
Ravager
Astral Realm

Post by Ravager »

I like it much better than the word for word translation, but then again I'm just a guest. :wink:
User avatar
Bekenn
Astral Realm

Post by Bekenn »

How about "trying not to laugh" instead of "having trouble hiding..."?
Locked

Return to “Volume 4 - The Disappearance of Suzumiya Haruhi / 第四巻: 涼宮ハルヒの消失”