Unknown World
Moderators: Fringe Security Bureau, Senior Editors, Senior Translators, Alt. Language Translator/Editor, Executive Council, Project Translators, Project Editors
- Rajikai
- Sailor Tsuki
- Posts: 1767
- Joined: Mon Jan 09, 2012 10:10 pm
- Favourite Light Novel: Ahouka!
- Location: La La Land
Re: Unknown World
I'm sorry, but I didn't read it. I'm just posting this to say that the first three lines seem weird. This is all I read.
As expected from her, thinking about what’s best for the students, I’ll never stop being amazed at her sense of thinking.
“Since I wasn’t here during the last two years, what did you students do during the last two summer festivals?”
“Water sports events using the swimming block and sports day using the field I believe.”
Seems a bit mechanical. Hard to explain. I wouldn't know how to fix it. It might be only me, but... Hum... Lately, I've been feeling bad about my own grammatical ability, so I really don't have enough confidence in what I'm saying, but it might help. Anyways, here is something That you might like. Is it correct, I don't know... I just don't know anymore...
As expected, her sense of thinking just amazes me. Always concerning herself about what's best for the students.
"What did your students do for the last two Summer Festivals?" (I don't think the first part is needed, I think it's kinda implied)
"I believe they used the swimming block for water sports, while the other, they used the field for a sports day."
It seems like I rearranged the order. Maybe this will help you know what I'm talking about
As expected from her, thinking about what’s best for the students, I’ll never stop being amazed at her sense of thinking.
“Since I wasn’t here during the last two years, what did you students do during the last two summer festivals?”
“Water sports events using the swimming block and sports day using the field I believe.”
Seems a bit mechanical. Hard to explain. I wouldn't know how to fix it. It might be only me, but... Hum... Lately, I've been feeling bad about my own grammatical ability, so I really don't have enough confidence in what I'm saying, but it might help. Anyways, here is something That you might like. Is it correct, I don't know... I just don't know anymore...
As expected, her sense of thinking just amazes me. Always concerning herself about what's best for the students.
"What did your students do for the last two Summer Festivals?" (I don't think the first part is needed, I think it's kinda implied)
"I believe they used the swimming block for water sports, while the other, they used the field for a sports day."
It seems like I rearranged the order. Maybe this will help you know what I'm talking about
1,550/3,400
- ShadowZeroHeart
- Senior Project Translator
- Posts: 3480
- Joined: Thu Jun 19, 2008 12:23 am
- Favourite Light Novel: Ahouka!
- Location: Amidst the Shadows
- Contact:
Re: Unknown World
You probably meant its not too natural? The point gets across, but it isn't too natural.Rajikai wrote:I'm sorry, but I didn't read it. I'm just posting this to say that the first three lines seem weird. This is all I read.
As expected from her, thinking about what’s best for the students, I’ll never stop being amazed at her sense of thinking.
“Since I wasn’t here during the last two years, what did you students do during the last two summer festivals?”
“Water sports events using the swimming block and sports day using the field I believe.”
Seems a bit mechanical. Hard to explain. I wouldn't know how to fix it. It might be only me, but... Hum... Lately, I've been feeling bad about my own grammatical ability, so I really don't have enough confidence in what I'm saying, but it might help. Anyways, here is something That you might like. Is it correct, I don't know... I just don't know anymore...
As expected, her sense of thinking just amazes me. Always concerning herself about what's best for the students.
"What did your students do for the last two Summer Festivals?" (I don't think the first part is needed, I think it's kinda implied)
"I believe they used the swimming block for water sports, while the other, they used the field for a sports day."
It seems like I rearranged the order. Maybe this will help you know what I'm talking about
Though I am not sure where the "As expected, her sense of thinking just amazes me. Always concerning herself about what's best for the students. " came from. Your probably meant "The way she thinks just amazes me, always putting her students before herself"? Though even so the sentence seems weird, it is not amazing, but more of her impressing you?
Next, regarding the unnatural conversation. Consider yourself talking to your buddy. Would you say "My school recently conducted a sports meet in the field. It was exciting." or "Hey, been a while! Our school had a sports meet recently, man it was exciting!" Certain details can be left out, because it is implied. You do not have to mention explicitly using the swimming block for water sports, and field for sports day, unless you can use the field for water sports and use the swimming block for sports day that is.
Personal advice, for natural conversations, imagine yourself talking to your friend, rather than think about the points you want to put across entirely. How you interact with your friends or others would be more likely how you can put certain relationships across even in stories.
God!!
You need not forgive me.
For those I love,
The violence brought about by sinful men
Shall now be used once more.
If you were created to save this world,
If there is a single shred of hope left for the future of mankind,
I am very sorry, but, please begone!
You need not forgive me.
For those I love,
The violence brought about by sinful men
Shall now be used once more.
If you were created to save this world,
If there is a single shred of hope left for the future of mankind,
I am very sorry, but, please begone!
- Rajikai
- Sailor Tsuki
- Posts: 1767
- Joined: Mon Jan 09, 2012 10:10 pm
- Favourite Light Novel: Ahouka!
- Location: La La Land
Re: Unknown World
Thanks. I placed amazes because he placed amaze, and I was just rephrasing it, showing that it might seem better if he arranged it. Amazes also makes sense In my opinion. Amazes basically means surprises, while impress, means adds a positive feature to one's character, ect. Like I said, I think both could do. However, it does change the meaning. One says, like usual, this person is surprising, while the other says, wow, this person doesn't stop impressing me. Basically that.
{Didn't know another word for impress, sorry}
Also, I did mention earlier, I'm feeling a bit out of it/unconfident.
So what I basically said is, I was just showing that it would be better to word it differently. I guess. I agree with shadow on pretending. But In my opinion, thinking about a friend might be to personal.
I believe it's best to just relax, and play a movie in your head. You've watched enough tv/movies, I assume, to do this. You don't really have to see picture in your head or anything like that, just the words. I can't visualize anything, so words are the next best thing. While visualizing, thinking of the scene. Imagine them having a conversation. Heck, be the character whose having the conversation. It might be addicting
Plotting in out on paper, or as you write seems wrong. Too unnatural (thanks Shadow). If it's a story-line, or building a character, it's okay, but conversation needs to seem like something spur of the moment, or something they've been thinking for hours. Best way to do that, is basically have a spur of the moment yourself, or heavy pondering on it. :/ might seem like I'm rambling, I might be, but I hope it helps.
{Didn't know another word for impress, sorry}
Also, I did mention earlier, I'm feeling a bit out of it/unconfident.
So what I basically said is, I was just showing that it would be better to word it differently. I guess. I agree with shadow on pretending. But In my opinion, thinking about a friend might be to personal.
I believe it's best to just relax, and play a movie in your head. You've watched enough tv/movies, I assume, to do this. You don't really have to see picture in your head or anything like that, just the words. I can't visualize anything, so words are the next best thing. While visualizing, thinking of the scene. Imagine them having a conversation. Heck, be the character whose having the conversation. It might be addicting
Plotting in out on paper, or as you write seems wrong. Too unnatural (thanks Shadow). If it's a story-line, or building a character, it's okay, but conversation needs to seem like something spur of the moment, or something they've been thinking for hours. Best way to do that, is basically have a spur of the moment yourself, or heavy pondering on it. :/ might seem like I'm rambling, I might be, but I hope it helps.
1,550/3,400
-
- Kyonist
- Posts: 13
- Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2012 4:04 am
- Favourite Light Novel:
Re: Unknown World
ShadowZeroHeart wrote:You probably meant its not too natural? The point gets across, but it isn't too natural.Rajikai wrote:I'm sorry, but I didn't read it. I'm just posting this to say that the first three lines seem weird. This is all I read.
As expected from her, thinking about what’s best for the students, I’ll never stop being amazed at her sense of thinking.
“Since I wasn’t here during the last two years, what did you students do during the last two summer festivals?”
“Water sports events using the swimming block and sports day using the field I believe.”
Seems a bit mechanical. Hard to explain. I wouldn't know how to fix it. It might be only me, but... Hum... Lately, I've been feeling bad about my own grammatical ability, so I really don't have enough confidence in what I'm saying, but it might help. Anyways, here is something That you might like. Is it correct, I don't know... I just don't know anymore...
As expected, her sense of thinking just amazes me. Always concerning herself about what's best for the students.
"What did your students do for the last two Summer Festivals?" (I don't think the first part is needed, I think it's kinda implied)
"I believe they used the swimming block for water sports, while the other, they used the field for a sports day."
It seems like I rearranged the order. Maybe this will help you know what I'm talking about
Though I am not sure where the "As expected, her sense of thinking just amazes me. Always concerning herself about what's best for the students. " came from. Your probably meant "The way she thinks just amazes me, always putting her students before herself"? Though even so the sentence seems weird, it is not amazing, but more of her impressing you?
Next, regarding the unnatural conversation. Consider yourself talking to your buddy. Would you say "My school recently conducted a sports meet in the field. It was exciting." or "Hey, been a while! Our school had a sports meet recently, man it was exciting!" Certain details can be left out, because it is implied. You do not have to mention explicitly using the swimming block for water sports, and field for sports day, unless you can use the field for water sports and use the swimming block for sports day that is.
Personal advice, for natural conversations, imagine yourself talking to your friend, rather than think about the points you want to put across entirely. How you interact with your friends or others would be more likely how you can put certain relationships across even in stories.
Hm, I think I understand now what you both ShadowZeroHeart and you Rajikai (You weren't rambling, I take anything both you guys say seriously since it's helped me a lot and I wish to get better) meant now, the thoughts on this is also being based from what was said last time, as you mentioned I wanted to get the point across, but at the same time try to squeeze in conversations to build upon the progression... if that makes any sense?Rajikai wrote:Thanks. I placed amazes because he placed amaze, and I was just rephrasing it, showing that it might seem better if he arranged it. Amazes also makes sense In my opinion. Amazes basically means surprises, while impress, means adds a positive feature to one's character, ect. Like I said, I think both could do. However, it does change the meaning. One says, like usual, this person is surprising, while the other says, wow, this person doesn't stop impressing me. Basically that.
{Didn't know another word for impress, sorry}
Also, I did mention earlier, I'm feeling a bit out of it/unconfident.
So what I basically said is, I was just showing that it would be better to word it differently. I guess. I agree with shadow on pretending. But In my opinion, thinking about a friend might be to personal.
I believe it's best to just relax, and play a movie in your head. You've watched enough tv/movies, I assume, to do this. You don't really have to see picture in your head or anything like that, just the words. I can't visualize anything, so words are the next best thing. While visualizing, thinking of the scene. Imagine them having a conversation. Heck, be the character whose having the conversation. It might be addicting
Plotting in out on paper, or as you write seems wrong. Too unnatural (thanks Shadow). If it's a story-line, or building a character, it's okay, but conversation needs to seem like something spur of the moment, or something they've been thinking for hours. Best way to do that, is basically have a spur of the moment yourself, or heavy pondering on it. :/ might seem like I'm rambling, I might be, but I hope it helps.
Like before I wasn't too sure what kind of topic/conversation to put in, so I try to think what's on top of my head and end up choosing a topic that'd you see in a anime/manga/LN cliché (the fetish part as an example) and from what there, you could see what I was trying to reach for (I hoped), but the way I wrote it felt out of conversation...
From what I can understand the conversations I write feel more unnatural when trying to get the point across, like the character has mentioned every little detail there is to the topic at hand? And once again like you said, I could end up leaving certain details, as it's implied like that example you gave ShadowZeroHeart right?
Thank you both, I'll delay the next part to re-work on part 2's conversations and brush up my writing when it comes to conversation, I'll take both advice and try to imagine myself (or rather say it out loud to myself) to see if the conversation is being played and makes sense.
"Everyone in this world has different views to one other, therefor the way we see things 'equally' ourselves, can vary from person to person."
-
- Kyonist
- Posts: 13
- Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2012 4:04 am
- Favourite Light Novel:
Re: Unknown World
After a while, here is the V2 I spent quite some time working on, I don't really have much else to say considering I said everything I could in the previous comment just then, well in any case this is my V2:
Part 02 V2:
And in case anyone wants to compare, here's the old version:
Part 02 V1:
Note: I've changed Mikado Yukari to Yukari Mikado, I don't know why but I felt that it's more fitting for some reason.
Part 02 V2:
Spoiler! :
Part 02 V1:
Spoiler! :
"Everyone in this world has different views to one other, therefor the way we see things 'equally' ourselves, can vary from person to person."
- ShadowZeroHeart
- Senior Project Translator
- Posts: 3480
- Joined: Thu Jun 19, 2008 12:23 am
- Favourite Light Novel: Ahouka!
- Location: Amidst the Shadows
- Contact:
Re: Unknown World
No offense, but for the latest Part 02 V2, I was just wondering about the starting.
Instead of putting the exact date, you could just say "The next day", or "Yesterday". Of course, if there is a certain reason why the date is important, it should stay, but you should not write out both "August 9th" and "August 8th" out. And if you want to use date and time consistently throughout the story, you might want to add the dates at the beginning of every chapter/date:
9th August, 9.00AM
like some detective game/novel/drama.
Instead of putting the exact date, you could just say "The next day", or "Yesterday". Of course, if there is a certain reason why the date is important, it should stay, but you should not write out both "August 9th" and "August 8th" out. And if you want to use date and time consistently throughout the story, you might want to add the dates at the beginning of every chapter/date:
9th August, 9.00AM
like some detective game/novel/drama.
God!!
You need not forgive me.
For those I love,
The violence brought about by sinful men
Shall now be used once more.
If you were created to save this world,
If there is a single shred of hope left for the future of mankind,
I am very sorry, but, please begone!
You need not forgive me.
For those I love,
The violence brought about by sinful men
Shall now be used once more.
If you were created to save this world,
If there is a single shred of hope left for the future of mankind,
I am very sorry, but, please begone!
- Rajikai
- Sailor Tsuki
- Posts: 1767
- Joined: Mon Jan 09, 2012 10:10 pm
- Favourite Light Novel: Ahouka!
- Location: La La Land
Re: Unknown World
Yea, something where time is important. If you don't think time is important, you can put something like, yesterday, or coming back from my flash back. You know, something more practical. The suggestion Shadow mention is something I'm using in my current one. Because, obviously, time is important.
1,550/3,400
-
- Kyonist
- Posts: 13
- Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2012 4:04 am
- Favourite Light Novel:
Re: Unknown World
That's a really good idea, I think I'm going to use that, time is pretty important for my story as it goes later on, by using this it'll help me when writing later on, and the style fits pretty well, like something in a detective game/novel/drama? I like that hehe, EDIT: added that in on the front page, and under here:ShadowZeroHeart wrote:No offense, but for the latest Part 02 V2, I was just wondering about the starting.
Instead of putting the exact date, you could just say "The next day", or "Yesterday". Of course, if there is a certain reason why the date is important, it should stay, but you should not write out both "August 9th" and "August 8th" out. And if you want to use date and time consistently throughout the story, you might want to add the dates at the beginning of every chapter/date:
9th August, 9.00AM
like some detective game/novel/drama.Rajikai wrote:Yea, something where time is important. If you don't think time is important, you can put something like, yesterday, or coming back from my flash back. You know, something more practical. The suggestion Shadow mention is something I'm using in my current one. Because, obviously, time is important.
Prologue:
Spoiler! :
Spoiler! :
"Everyone in this world has different views to one other, therefor the way we see things 'equally' ourselves, can vary from person to person."
-
- Kyonist
- Posts: 13
- Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2012 4:04 am
- Favourite Light Novel:
Re: Unknown World
I remember back then when I said I'd do the next part asap, seems like university priorities lasted longer than I had thought (they still are):
So now I had time to work on the next part, so sorry for the delay and thoughts on it? All kinds of criticism is welcomed, I'm going to try and work on this as best as I can (and hopefully in the long run become a better writer):
Part 02: (technically 03, just that I renamed the sub headings on the front page)
Also,
Just a quick question here, are we allowed to post outside links? I mean, I have a blog which has been set up, but just wondering if it's okay to put up here?
So now I had time to work on the next part, so sorry for the delay and thoughts on it? All kinds of criticism is welcomed, I'm going to try and work on this as best as I can (and hopefully in the long run become a better writer):
Part 02: (technically 03, just that I renamed the sub headings on the front page)
Spoiler! :
Just a quick question here, are we allowed to post outside links? I mean, I have a blog which has been set up, but just wondering if it's okay to put up here?
"Everyone in this world has different views to one other, therefor the way we see things 'equally' ourselves, can vary from person to person."
- ShadowZeroHeart
- Senior Project Translator
- Posts: 3480
- Joined: Thu Jun 19, 2008 12:23 am
- Favourite Light Novel: Ahouka!
- Location: Amidst the Shadows
- Contact:
Re: Unknown World
Now it seems just like Bakemonogatari...
blog links seems possible, some people do post them.
that aside, there are too many "..." for the main char, you can reduce the numbers.
I am in school now, so I will give more comments when I am a little more free. Sorry about that.
blog links seems possible, some people do post them.
I have no idea what this 1/10 and 10/100 means... Can someone explain to me?The laws of physics don’t apply with Shino?! Or actually, let’s say the average adult’s strength is 1/10th, but when I am to imagine her strength then it would probably be 10/100th, that’s beyond basic logic, it’s just not possible for the human body to reach such a state.
that aside, there are too many "..." for the main char, you can reduce the numbers.
I am in school now, so I will give more comments when I am a little more free. Sorry about that.
God!!
You need not forgive me.
For those I love,
The violence brought about by sinful men
Shall now be used once more.
If you were created to save this world,
If there is a single shred of hope left for the future of mankind,
I am very sorry, but, please begone!
You need not forgive me.
For those I love,
The violence brought about by sinful men
Shall now be used once more.
If you were created to save this world,
If there is a single shred of hope left for the future of mankind,
I am very sorry, but, please begone!
-
- Kyonist
- Posts: 13
- Joined: Thu Jan 19, 2012 4:04 am
- Favourite Light Novel:
Re: Unknown World
Looking at it now, kinda does now, oh dear.. that's a big problem, I didn't even realize the comparison until you mentioned it just now, I may have to consider a re-write, or continue since the plans story-wise go down a different direction.ShadowZeroHeart wrote:Now it seems just like Bakemonogatari...
blog links seems possible, some people do post them.
As for the blog, I'll post mine when I get this story working and properly made.
That was a mistake on my part, I was meant to say 9/10th of a human's strength comparison, as 10/100 has the same meaning as 1/10, I'll change that when I get back from university.ShadowZeroHeart wrote:I have no idea what this 1/10 and 10/100 means... Can someone explain to me?
that aside, there are too many "..." for the main char, you can reduce the numbers.
I am in school now, so I will give more comments when I am a little more free. Sorry about that.
As for "..." I'll cut them down, didn't know when to place them and such.
And I'm looking forward to more of your comments ShadowZeroHeart, I really honestly appreciate it, thank you.
"Everyone in this world has different views to one other, therefor the way we see things 'equally' ourselves, can vary from person to person."
- ShadowZeroHeart
- Senior Project Translator
- Posts: 3480
- Joined: Thu Jun 19, 2008 12:23 am
- Favourite Light Novel: Ahouka!
- Location: Amidst the Shadows
- Contact:
Re: Unknown World
Well, no offense, but I may seem harsh at times...Codex9 wrote:Looking at it now, kinda does now, oh dear.. that's a big problem, I didn't even realize the comparison until you mentioned it just now, I may have to consider a re-write, or continue since the plans story-wise go down a different direction.ShadowZeroHeart wrote:Now it seems just like Bakemonogatari...
blog links seems possible, some people do post them.
As for the blog, I'll post mine when I get this story working and properly made.
That was a mistake on my part, I was meant to say 9/10th of a human's strength comparison, as 10/100 has the same meaning as 1/10, I'll change that when I get back from university.ShadowZeroHeart wrote:I have no idea what this 1/10 and 10/100 means... Can someone explain to me?
that aside, there are too many "..." for the main char, you can reduce the numbers.
I am in school now, so I will give more comments when I am a little more free. Sorry about that.
As for "..." I'll cut them down, didn't know when to place them and such.
And I'm looking forward to more of your comments ShadowZeroHeart, I really honestly appreciate it, thank you.
Here goes:
If the number ten is not really of much importance, then you can just say "after taking several steps down the corridor, I began running." perhaps?after taking ten steps I started running down the empty corridor.
This sentence sounds as though the protagonist has asked Shino to go with him to Mr. Kyou's place, so its a little weird. Similarly, nothing is mentioned about what you want to convince her about.If Shino doesn’t appear, I’ll head down to Mr. Kyou’s place without her, if she does however, I’ll need to convince her.
a bullet train past my head. I am not sure if you meant it was like a bullet train has flew past your head, but either way, the description seems weird. You might be trying to say that a bullet just flew by your head? I am not sure if you can really feel such a bullet though.I felt a huge force of wind fly right by my head, no, that’s not a good enough way to describe it, the best way is to say that a bullet train past my head, with a few centimeters away from contact.
Similar to my first comment. You might want to just say her strength might be 100 times that of an average man? Instead of saying 1/10 or 10/100 etc.The laws of physics don’t apply with Shino?! Or actually, let’s say the average adult’s strength is 1/10th, but when I am to imagine her strength then it would probably be 10/100th, that’s beyond basic logic, it’s just not possible for the human body to reach such a state.
She seems really strange to be talking to herself, because the protagonist never said anything, and she just kept talking. This part makes it sound as though its a conversation...“You’re probably wondering if I’ve ever asked for help? My answer is no, if I was to see a doctor or anyone for that matter and this gets leaked, it’d be the talk of the century.”
Given their current conditions, she should probably use a more forceful tone, such as "You probably understand what happens if you dare say a word about this, don't you?" The entire conversation might have to change. Also, it seems really weird for her to talk all about her secrets, and then politely ask you to keep quiet.“Could you please not tell anyone my secret?”
"in a practical sense" I believe you meant to say "literally" which means as the word(s) implies.
I guess I could consider myself lucky, after all, for a person that can shake the world in a practical sense, she could have torn my arm off if she wanted, thinking it like that way was pretty damn scary.
With regards to bakemonogatari, if you read it, the female lead had a secret hidden from her parents as well, neglected by her family. The protagonist too met an immortal being, and the immortal being was not exactly saved, more like everyone was in misery. It was also a few weeks back before the story as well. The female lead threatens protagonist, with a stapler and some stationary. Yours threatens with brute strength. Both bakemonogatari and your protagonist seems to have exceptional healing capabilities. Overall, they are very very similar.
God!!
You need not forgive me.
For those I love,
The violence brought about by sinful men
Shall now be used once more.
If you were created to save this world,
If there is a single shred of hope left for the future of mankind,
I am very sorry, but, please begone!
You need not forgive me.
For those I love,
The violence brought about by sinful men
Shall now be used once more.
If you were created to save this world,
If there is a single shred of hope left for the future of mankind,
I am very sorry, but, please begone!