Chapter 2
From the results, my premonition came true.
After class, Haruki didn't disappear instantly from the classroom as usual. This time he forcefully took my hand and dragged me out of the classroom, through the corridors, up the stairs, and finally stopped in front of the door leading to the rooftop.
That door is usually locked, and the staircase above the fourth floor seems to have been used as a storage room by the Art Club. Giant canvases, broken picture frames, statues of war gods with missing noses and such are all piled up in this little staircase, making what is supposed to be a narrow space even narrower.
Why does it look like he’s about to harass me? Checklist: 1) dragged me somewhere against my wishes, check. 2) ‘somewhere’ is a place people don’t usually go to, check. 3) Haruki’s taller and stronger than me so I probably won’t be able to fend him off, check. 4) he looks like he REALLY wants something from me, check… Why oh why oh WHY did I not listen to my father’s advice of taking karate lessons!?
"I need your help."
Haruki said this while grabbing my sailor ribbon. With his sharp glare aimed at the upper part of my head, I got the feeling he was threatening me.
"Help you with what?"
I feigned ignorance, and courage…
“Help me with my burning desire!”
SHUT UP id!!! You’re not making this any easier on me!
"Help me make a new club!"
"OK, then tell me, why must I help you complete something you just thought up?"
"Because I need to secure a room for the club as well as members, so you need to find out what paperwork needs to be done for the school."
He wasn't even listening. I cast off Haruki's hand.
That… was surprisingly easy…
"What club are you trying to make?"
"It doesn't matter! What's important is to make a club first."
I really doubt that the school would let us form a club of unknown activities.
"Now listen! After school today, you go and find out what needs to be done, I'll go and find a room for the club. Okay?"
'NO!'
If I replied like that, I was sure something bad would happen to me. While hesitating on what to say, Haruki already turned and walked down the stairs, leaving a disoriented female student standing all alone on the dust-filled staircase.
"... I haven't even agreed to help..."
Sigh, saying this to a plaster statue is pointless. I could only drag my heavy feet, thinking about how I would explain all this to my curious classmates.
That it looked like he was about to harass you? And you didn’t even call for help??
… no. Oh, and do me a favor will you? Shut up.
Requirements for organizing an "association":
Five members or more. A sponsor teacher, club name, chairperson for the club, and club activities/goals summary are required – which then requires approval from the Student Council Executive Committee. The club's activities must fit in with the school philosophy of creativity and vivaciousness. Based on the activities' records and results, the Executive Committee would debate on whether to promote the association into a "study group." Furthermore, as an association, the school will not provide any funding.
I didn't have to explicitly search for the requirements; they were all listed out on the back of the student handbook.
Members are easy; we can just find anyone to make up the numbers, so that won't be a problem. A sponsor teacher is harder to find, but I think I can manage that. As for the name, something inoffensive would do. And the chairperson for the club is, no doubt, Haruki himself.
I am willing to bet, however, that our club activities/goals summary is definitely not going to agree with "creativity and vivaciousness."
That being said, it's not as if Haruki is the kind of person who cares about the rules.
As the bell rang for the end of classes, Haruki showed off his horrifyingly brutish strength by gripping my cardigan's sleeve and pulling me out of our classroom at kidnapping speed. It took great effort to make sure that I didn't leave my school bag in the classroom.
Not again…
Bet you want him to this time, don’t you?
I’m not gonna dignify you with an answer and you know why.
"Where are we going?"
I asked because, well, I'm normal after all.
"The Club Room."
Haruki, so full of energy that he managed to kick away the milling students along the corridor, replied with a short sentence, then kept his mouth shut. Please, can you at least let go of my hand first?
After we exited the first floor hallway, we went into another building and up the stairs. We walked into a dark hallway and at its center, Haruki stopped. Of course, I stopped too.
There is a door in front of us.
Literature Club
The crooked name tag is pasted on the door.
"Here it is."
Without even knocking, Haruki opened the door and walked into the classroom without any consideration. Of course, I followed him inside.
The room is surprisingly large, or maybe it seems that way because it only contains a rectangular table, metal chairs, and a bookshelf. A few cracks on the ceiling and the walls showed how ancient the building is.
Just as if he came with the room, a guy was sitting alone on a metal chair, reading a very thick hardcover book.
"From now on this will be our club room."
Haruki opened his arms and announced formally. His face was shining with that energetic smile. 'If only he would show that smile in class...' despite that thought, I didn't dare say it out loud.
"Wait a second, what is this place?"
"The Cultural and Arts club building. This place has art and music rooms for the Art Club and the Orchestra Club. Clubs and associations without a regular club room all hold their activities here in this building, known as the Old Complex. And this classroom belongs to the Literature Club."
"Then what about the Literature Club?"
"After all the third year students graduated this spring, the club had zero members. As no new members were recruited, the club was going to be canceled. By the way, he's a first year who's their only new member."
"Then they haven't been canceled yet!"
"Close enough! A club with only one member is the same as none."
You idiot! Are you trying to take over other people's club rooms? I took a quick look at the Literature Club guy.
He was a guy – a tall and thin one at that – with glasses and short hair.
Haruki was already this loud. The guy, however, didn't even lift his head once. Apart from occasionally flipping the pages with his fingers, he appeared stationary, totally ignoring our presence. Seems this guy was strange as well!
I lowered my voice and asked Haruki:
"Then what about that guy?"
"He said it doesn't matter!"
"Really?"
"I asked him already at lunch time. I said I need him to lend me the room and he said 'go ahead,' as long as he can read his book here in peace. Now that you mention it, he is pretty weird."
Pot, meet kettle.
I observed the weird Literature Club guy carefully this time.
He had pale skin and an expressionless face. His fingers moved rhythmically, like a robot. Obscuring his handsome face, his bangs made one want to take off his glasses for a clearer view. He gave the impression of an inconspicuous puppet. In other words, a mysterious and expressionless weirdo!
Perhaps noticing my intrusive observation, the guy suddenly lifted his head and pushed the nose bridge of his glasses up with his fingers.
I saw his deep-colored eyes staring at me from under those lenses. Neither his eyes nor his lips showed any expression at all, almost like a mask. He was different from Haruki – his face is the kind that fundamentally shows no sign of emotion.
"Nagato Yuuki."
His tone suggested that his name would be forgotten by most people within three seconds of hearing it.
Nagato Yuuki stared at me for a moment; then as if losing interest, he turned his attention back to his book.
"Say, Nagato-san," I called out, "This guy here wants to use your club room for a yet-to-be-named club. Is this all right with you?"
"Yes."
Nagato's gaze never left his book once.
"But it might be troublesome for you."
"It doesn't matter."
"Maybe you'll even be evicted?"
"Please feel free."
Though he answered promptly, he showed no expression. Seems to me he really doesn't give a damn about it.
"Okay, then it's decided," Haruki suddenly interrupted.
He sounded really hyper, giving me a bad feeling.
"From now on, we will meet in this room after class. Be sure to come! Or you're as good as dead!"
He said with a smile like the blooming sakura. I reluctantly nodded my head.
Please, I don't want to die yet!
Would you rather be harassed than killed?
…
So now we found a club room, but we weren’t so lucky with the paperwork. We still haven't decided on a club name or what activities it intended to hold. I asked Haruki to sort these things out first, but he seemed to have other ideas.
"We can decide on all that later!" Haruki declared loudly. "Right now the most important thing is to recruit members. We still need at least two more people."
So, you already counted the Literature Club guy in as well? You couldn't possibly have treated Nagato Yuuki as a mere club accessory, could you?
"Don't worry about that. I'll be able to gather people soon; I already have someone in mind."
How can I not worry? My unease has become even more profound!
The next day after school, after turning down Taniguchi and Kunikida's offer to walk home with them, I reluctantly dragged my heavy feet and headed towards the club room.
Haruki only said "You go first!" and rushed out of the room with a speed the Athletic Club so badly needed. He was so fast it made me wonder if he added boosters to his shoes. I didn't know whether he was in a hurry to find new club members, or whether he was just plain excited that he took a step forward in meeting extraterrestrials?
On the other hand, I could only carry my bag, so I moved slowly towards the Literature Club room.
Entering the club room, I discovered Nagato Yuuki already inside, sitting in the exact same position while reading his book. I slowly approached him, but as with yesterday his head was buried in the book, my presence ignored. Was the Literature Club a pure reading club? Why else would he be reading all the time?
Silence in the room.
"... What are you reading?"
I asked, not being able to stand the silence any longer. Nagato Yuuki answered by raising the book and showing me the cover. My eyes saw a large bunch of dazzling foreign words; it seemed like some sort of science fiction novel.
"Is it interesting?"
Nagato Yuuki pushed his glasses up effortlessly before replying in an empty tone:
"Unique."
It seems he'd answer anything I asked him.
"Which part?"
"All of it."
"So you like reading?"
"Very."
"I see..."
"..."
Back to silence again.
Can I go home now?
I thought of that while putting my bag on the desk. Just as I prepared to sit down on the steel chair, the door crashed open like it was being kicked.
"Hey, sorry I'm late! It took me some time trying to catch this boy!"
Haruki finally arrived, waving one hand at us. His other hand held someone else's wrist – he abducted another person! When Haruki entered the room, for some reason he locked the door. Click! Hearing that, the light-sized boy shuddered uncomfortably.
Wow, he sure is handsome, for a boy that is.
He must be Haruki's "chosen candidate."
"W... what are you doing?"
The boy said, close to tears now.
"W-where is this place? Why did you bring me here? And, w-why are you locking the door? What do you want with me?"
"Be quiet!"
Haruki barked with such force that the boy simply stood in stunned silence.
"Let me introduce him: this is Asahina Mikuro-kun."
After announcing the boy's name, Haruki stopped talking. Seems like that's all for the introduction.
Silence once again engulfed the classroom. Haruki looked satisfied with "a job well done"; Nagato Yuuki, as usual, kept reading his book without any reaction; and the boy called Asahina Mikuro was simply scared silly. Hey, why isn't anyone talking? And so I started the conversation.
"Where did you abduct him from?"
"This isn't abduction! I just forced him to come with me."
Do you even read a dictionary!?
"I found him daydreaming in the second year classroom, so I caught him from there. I explore the corners of the school during recess, so I've seen him a few times already."
So that's what you've been doing during recess time when you're nowhere to be seen in the classroom. No, wait, now isn't the time to think about this.
"Anyway, he's our senpai!"
"So?"
I looked at him in disbelief. Oh god, this guy doesn't even think of what he's doing!
"Fine then... tell me, why did you need to find her, erm, Asahina-san, right?"
"Here, have a look."
Haruki suddenly pointed at Asahina Mikuro's nose, causing him to back off instantly.
"Isn't he cute?"
That's something only a dangerous kidnapper would say! That's what I thought of anyway.
"I believe Shouta characters are important!" he continued.
"... Excuse me, what did you just say?"
"I said Shouta! The factor to turn people on! Basically, most detective stories have some characters that would turn people on and cause them to be pitied."
I automatically turned and observed Asahina Mikuro: he has a small body and a face easily mistakable for a grade school student. His brown hair is slightly curly, covering his nape. His rather large puppy dog eyes give out a "please protect me" aura. His half-opened lips reveal a row of white ivory-like teeth which, with his small face, create a perfect combination. If he was given wings, a bow and arrows, he might even transform into Cupid! Aargh~, what the hell am I thinking about!?
"And that's not all!"
Haruki smiled confidently, then put his left arm over Asahina Mikuro-san’s chest in a binding move, and then his right hand moved over to Asahina-san’s crotch, fondling that particular spot.
YAOI!!! YATTA!!!
URUSAI FUJOSHI! This isn’t the time for this, he needs help!
"Kyaaa!!"
Asahina-san screamed instantly. But Haruki was unmoved, noticeably putting more effort into fondling his crotch through his pants.
"Aaaaa!"
"This fellow… has grown so splendidly…! This… impossible…! He’s even bigger than me now! He's so small, yet his cock is bigger than mine! A cute face plus big cock is definitely an important factor in turning people on!"
You REALLY didn’t have to say that, you realize that, don’t you Suzumiya???
Hey Suzumiya, mind if I switch places with you? Or better yet, why don’t I do the two of you at the same time? How’s that sound?
NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOO!!!! A thousand times no!!!
"Wow, it really is big."
Haruki repositioned his left arm so that, even while binding Asahina-san in place, his left hand now managed to join his right in fondling his crotch. Stop it, you pervert!
Look who’s the pervert, happily watching this performance. You’re enjoying this, aren’t you? AREN’T YOU?
I. AM. NOT. ENJOYING. THIS!!!
Liar, liar, panties on fire~
…
"This is starting to piss me off! His face is so cute, yet his cock is bigger than mine!"
"H-Help!!"
Asahina-san blushed a bright red. He tried to free himself with arms and legs, but his strength was no match for his harasser. As Haruki started to move his hands towards the waist of Asahina-san's pants, I finally couldn't take it any longer and pulled the perverted guy away from Asahina-san.
"What the hell do you think you're doing!? I can sue you now for acts of lasciviousness, even attempted rape! You molester!!!"
"But it really is huge! It's true! Why don't you give it a go as well?"
Asahina-san moaned weakly.
"No thanks."
Was all I could say.
You’re no fun… (pouts)
… Just, shut up for a while. OK?? PLEASE???
Fine, since you asked so nicely… Just don’t forget to please yourself every once in a while OK?
…
What surprised me was, during all this commotion, Nagato Yuuki had been reading his book, never once lifting his head. What is with this guy anyway?
I took a couple of deep breaths to calm down, then let out a huge sigh. Suddenly, I thought of something.
"You can't be thinking... the sole reason for bringing Asahina-san here is because he's cute and has a large… organ?"
"Why, of course!"
You WERE born an idiot, weren’t you!?
"A mascot-like character like him is necessary!"
Screw necessary! Whoever said that anyway?
Asahina-san tidied his rumpled uniform and raised his head looking at me. Hey, don't look at me like that, you're putting me in an embarrassing situation.
"Mikuro-kun," Haruki asked, "are you with any other clubs?"
"Y... Yes... the Calligraphy Club..."
"Quit that! It'll get in the way of my club activities."
Haruki! Aren't you a bit too selfish!?
Asahina-san had the expression of a victim in a certain murder mystery, looking at me with eyes begging for rescue. Then it was as if he suddenly noticed the presence of Nagato Yuuki. His eyes grew large and showed some hesitation. A moment later, he sighed and whispered in a low voice:
"I see... I understand."
What did you understand?
"I'll quit the Calligraphy Club, and join your club..."
His voice was so full of sadness.
"But, I don't know what the Literature Club does."
"We aren't the Literature Club," Haruki clarified.
Seeing Asahina-san puzzled, I hurriedly cut in to explain.
"We're just temporarily borrowing this room for our club activities. The club you have joined is actually a new association that Suzumiya Haruki will create in the near future. We don't know what activities there will be; we don't even have a name."
"... What...?"
"Oh, and the one sitting over there, he's the real Literature Club member."
"Oh..."
Asahina-san stood speechless, his cute mouth half open. His reaction? Absolutely normal.
"That won't be a problem!"
Cheerful to the point of not being responsible for anything, Haruki smacked Asahina-san's shoulder hard.
"I just thought of a name!"
"... Okay, let's hear it," I said with zero enthusiasm.
If possible, I really didn't want to hear it! But since I already asked, Suzumiya Haruki used his clear voice to loudly announce the name he just thought up.
As everyone knows, it all began as a result of Suzumiya Haruki's simple and naive vision, and no other reason. And so… the name of our new club has been decided:
The SOS Brigade!
Sekai wo
Ooini moriagerutame no
Suzumiya Haruki no Dan
The Save the world by Overloading it with fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade, abbreviated as SOS Brigade.
You can all laugh now.
But before I could even do that, I stood dumbstruck.
Why is it called "Brigade"? It should be "Save the world by Overloading it with fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Association", but since the club still hadn't satisfied the minimum requirements to become an association and no one was sure what the club was all about, Haruki simply replied "If that's the case, then let's call it a brigade!" And so the club was now gloriously baptized.
Upon hearing the name, Asahina-san closed his mouth dejectedly. Nagato Yuuki could be counted as an outsider, and I didn't know what to say. And so, the motion for the new club name was passed, with one for and three abstentions. The SOS Brigade is now open for business! This is such a wonderful occasion!
Hmph, do whatever you like!
After saying "Be sure to meet here after school every day!", Haruki called it a day. Asahina-san's shoulders drooped, his lifeless figure walking along the corridor further giving off an impression of sadness. I couldn't bear seeing that, so I called out to him.
"Asahina-san."
"Yes?"
Asahina-san looked at me with his innocent face, which didn't even look older than mine.
"You don't have to join such a weird club if you don't want to! You don't need to mind him; I'll try to find a way to explain."
"No."
He stopped, winked, and smiled:
"It's all right. I want to join."
"But, this could be a boring club!"
"It doesn't matter; haven't you joined as well?"
No! Whether I joined or not is not the issue here!
"Perhaps, this is the absolute outcome on this Temporal Plane..."
He said with his round eyes staring far off in the distance.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"Besides, I'm interested in Nagato-san's presence..."
"Interested?"
"Eh? No, nothing."
Asahina-san shook his head in trepidation, shaking his wavy hair along.
Then Asahina-san smiled, looking embarrassed, and gave me a deep bow.
"I may be of trouble, so please bear with me from now on."
"You don't have to do that... you'll put me in a difficult position..."
"Please call me Mikuro from now on."
He smiled.
Man, he's so cute I'm getting dizzy!
The following is a conversation I had with Haruki one day.
"You know what we need next?"
"Who knows!"
"I'm thinking of finding a mysterious transfer student."
"Please define 'mysterious' transfer student."
"Those that get transferred two months after the school term has started are definitely mysterious transfer students. What do you think?"
"Maybe it's because their parents got a job transfer and they just had to come along."
"No, that would be too forced and unnatural!"
"Then what is natural for you? I'd really like to know."
"Mysterious transfer student... will they ever appear?"
"In other words, you just don’t listen to whatever I have to say, do you?"
Rumors started to spread in the school that Haruki and I were plotting something.
"Hey, just what are you up to with Haruki?"
Taniguchi would ask that.
"You aren't in a romantic relationship, are you?"
Absolutely not! To be honest, I too, would like to know what on earth I am doing!
"Try not to do anything too ridiculous, you're no longer middle school students! If they find out you vandalized the school track field or something like that, you might get suspended!"
If it were Haruki acting alone, I could simply ignore him. But now there's Nagato Yuuki and Asahina Mikuro-san to take care of – I can't risk them getting involved. When I realized I was so considerate of them, I suddenly felt so proud of myself.
But the thing is, there is no way that I can stop the insane Haruki!
"I so want a computer!"
Ever since the SOS Brigade was founded, the Literature Club room started to have more and more stuff besides the rectangular table, steel chairs and book shelf.
In the corner now stood a portable hanger cabinet, a flask and cups, a teapot, a CD/MD playing radio, a freezer, sound recorder, cooking pan, bowl, and all sorts of cooking utensils. Now what? Does he plan for us to live here?
At this moment, Haruki is sitting on a desk he nicked from who-knows-where. For some reason, a black triangular pyramid with the words "Brigade Commander" stood on the desk.
"In this information age, we don't even have a computer. This won't do!"
Whoever said that?
Anyway, all the members were here today. Nagato Yuuki was in his usual spot, reading a hardback about a minor satellite of Saturn falling down, or something like that. Asahina-san, who didn't have to come, still obediently arrived and was seated on a steel chair, looking confused.
Haruki jumped off the desk and ran towards me with a sinister smile.
"Which is why I'm going to obtain one now," Haruki said, like a hunter looking for its prey.
"Obtain one, you mean a computer? From where? You don't plan on robbing an electronics store, do you?"
"Of course not! It's going to be somewhere closer!"
"Follow me!" Asahina-san and I complied with Haruki's orders and followed him down the corridor, eventually arriving at the Computer Study Group two rooms away.
From bishounen-lover to thief…
"Here, take this."
Haruki handed me an instant camera.
"Now listen carefully! I'll tell you the plan, and you must follow it no matter what! You only have one chance."
Haruki pulled me down and whispered his "plan" in my ear.
"Wha!? You can't do that!"
"Does it matter?"
Of course it doesn't matter to you, mister! I turned to a puzzled looking Asahina, trying to warn him by winking at him.
You'd better leave at once!
But Asahina-san looked surprised at me and started blushing. Oh no, he completely got the wrong idea.
Just as I was about to save Asahina-san from certain doom, Haruki knocked on the Computer Study Group room door.
"Hello there! I've come to collect a computer from you!"
The spacing is similar, but compared to our room, this room was narrower. Each of the evenly spaced desks had a desktop computer on it with CD sound effects. The computer fans whirling away were the only sounds heard in the room.
The five girls sitting on their seats typing on their keyboards all stuck their heads out towards the door to see what Haruki was up to.
"Who's in charge here?"
Haruki smiled pompously. A female student stood up and answered.
"I'm the president, can I help you?"
"Do I have to repeat myself? I just said: give me a computer."
The nameless Computer Study Group president displayed a "What the hell?" expression and violently shook her head.
"That won't do. The school doesn't fund us enough, meaning these computers are all bought with our hard-earned money! We can't just give them to you for free. Do you think we're fools?"
"What does it matter? Just one would do, you have plenty anyways!"
"That… wait a moment, who are you guys anyway?"
"I'm Suzumiya Haruki, Commander of the SOS Brigade, and these two are Subordinate One and Subordinate Two."
Wait, who decided we're your subordinates!?
"I command you in the name of the SOS Brigade: hand over a computer at once! Don't give me any excuses!"
"I don't know who you guys are, but absolutely not! You can go buy your own computers!"
"Since you've said that, we have our ways."
Haruki's eyes glared fearlessly. Oh no, that is a bad omen!
Haruki pushed Asahina-san, who was standing awestruck next to him, towards the president, and then he grabbed her hand and placed it on Asahina-san's crotch.
"Kyaaa~~!!"
"Wha!?"
Click!
At the sound of the two screaming, I clicked the camera shutter.
Haruki grabbed Asahina-san, preventing him from escaping, while his other hand propelled the president's hand harder into Asahina's crotch.
"Kyori! One more picture!"
I reluctantly pressed the shutter again. Asahina-san, and the nameless president, you have my sincerest apologies. Just as Haruki was about to stuff the president's hand inside Asahina-san's pants, the president finally broke free.
"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?"
Haruki waved his finger elegantly at the furiously blushing president.
"Uh uh uh! We now have photographic evidence of you sexually harassing our members! If you don't want the school to know about these photos, hand over the computer!"
"What kind of joke is this!?"
The president protested furiously. I totally understand how you feel.
"You forcefully grabbed my hand! I'm innocent!"
"Oh really? You can try explaining, but who's going to believe you?"
I turned and looked at Asahina-san lying on the ground paralyzed. He must have been in so much shock that all energy had left him.
On the other hand, the president continued to resist.
"My members are witnesses to my innocence! That was not of my own will!"
The four members who were standing dumbstruck all nodded their heads vehemently.
"That's right!"
"The president is innocent!"
If Haruki could listen to you guys, then he wouldn't be Suzumiya Haruki.
"All right, then I'll just say you girls gang-raped him, you Amazons!"
At this instance, everyone's face turned white, including mine and Asahina-san's. Oh god, did it really have to come to this?
"S... Suzumiya-san...!"
Asahina-san desperately looped his arms around Haruki's feet, but Haruki simply kicked them off. Haruki then lifted his chest and arrogantly said:
"So how about it? Are you giving us one or not?"
The president's face went from red to white, finally turning dark.
In the end, she surrendered.
"Just pick one and get out!"
Having said that, the president slumped dejectedly. Her members all rushed to her.
"President!"
"Get a hold of yourself!"
"Are you all right?"
The president's head drooped like a marionette with broken strings. Seeing such despair, even as Haruki's companion, I couldn't help but shed a tear for her.
"Which one is the latest model?"
You're such a cold-blooded guy!
"Why should we tell you!?"
The angry members continued their meager resistance, but Haruki simply pointed at me and my camera.
"D... damn it! That one!"
Haruki looked in the direction the member pointed and inspected the model and serial number of the computer. Then, he took out a piece of paper from his pants’ pocket.
"I went to the electronics store and asked for a list of the latest models. This doesn't seem to be one of them."
This guy has everything so meticulously planned that it's becoming scary.
After inspecting all the other computers, Haruki pointed to one of them.
"I want this one."
"W... wait! We just bought that last month!"
"Camera."
"... T-take it, you thieves!"
Like he said, we were truly thieves.
Haruki's greed knew no bounds. After plucking all the cables and wires, he moved all the necessary equipment back to the Literature Club room without consideration. He then had the Computer Study Group people reinstall the wires for us and had them lay two cables from their room to ours, so we could use the internet. He even forced them to set up an intranet for us. His despicable ways are no different from a robber!
"Asahina-san."
Being helpless the whole time, I could only slowly pick up a devastated Asahina-san, who was kneeling on the ground, covering his face and sobbing endlessly.
"Let's go back."
"Sob..."
Haruki, you idiot, can't you grope your own crotch!? For someone who undresses in front of girls without a second thought, this is nothing! I comforted Asahina-san, while mumbling about what on earth Haruki wanted a computer for.
Very soon, I would find out.
And that is to make an SOS Brigade website!
All right, here comes the question: Who should make the website?
"You, of course!" Haruki said.
"Since you're so free, you might as well do it! I'm busy looking for the remaining members!"
The computer was placed on the desk with the "Brigade Commander" pyramid. Haruki added while surfing the net using the mouse:
"Have it completed in the next day or two. We won't be able to do anything without a webpage."
Asahina-san's body lay over the desk, his shoulders shivering, next to where Nagato Yuuki is sitting, who as usual just reads his book, ignoring everything. Seems like I'm the only one who heard Haruki. I had no choice but to comply with him. At least I'm pretty sure that's what Haruki thought.
"I can't do anything even if you say that."
That's what I wanted to say, to be honest. I'm not used to receiving orders from Haruki! The only reason I agreed is because it's a webpage. I haven't done it before, but it does sound interesting.
And so, my arduous webpage design began on the second day.
Having said that, it was much easier than I thought. Because the girls from Computer Study Group already had all the software installed on the hard drive, all I needed to do was just follow the program and do some copy and pasting, and that was it.
The problem is, what should I write on the website?
Right now, I still don't know what the SOS Brigade is about, so I had absolutely nothing to write about. After writing 'Welcome to the SOS Brigade Home Page!' on the top, I simply stopped. "Hurry up and finish it, you hear?" Haruki's words sounded like a curse ringing through my ears, so I had to use my lunch time to continue my designing while having my lunch.
"Nagato-san, do you have any ideas on what to write?" I asked, who seemed to come here even during lunch break.
"Not really."
He didn't look up. I know this is none of my business, but I'm curious as to whether he even pays attention in class.
Turning my eyes from Nagato back to the 17 inch monitor, I fell into deep thought again.
I suddenly thought of a problem: what would happen if the school found out that a yet-to-be-recognized association is using their bandwidth to host a website?
"It's all right as long as they don't find out!" I imagined Haruki replying, "If it does get discovered, we'll just abandon the website. This sort of stuff is first come, first served, you know?"
Really, in some ways I'm envious of Haruki's optimistic and forward-looking attitude!
After making some website links and writing the email address – it's a bit early to set up a forum – I uploaded the website, which only contained a front page without any details on it.
That should do! After making sure the page could load, I switched off the computer. As I was about to stretch myself, I was startled to find Nagato right behind me.
That's strange, how come I didn't hear his footsteps? I didn't know when Nagato arrived behind me. His face was white as a mask. He stared at me with his poker face as though I was some eye test chart.
"Take this."
He handed me a very thick book, which I impulsively took. It sure is heavy! Looking at the cover, it was the science fiction novel Nagato was reading a few days ago.
"For you."
After saying that, Nagato left the room without even turning back; I didn't even have time to say anything. Why are you lending such a thick book to me? At this moment, the bell rang signaling the end of lunch break. Seems like there aren't a lot of people who respect my opinion.
After I carried the hardback book back to my classroom and sat down, I felt someone poking my back with a mechanical pencil.
"So, is the website done?"
Haruki held the edges of the desk and stared at me with a stiff face. I noticed his notebook was full of scribbles here and there. I tried to ignore the stares of my classmates and replied:
"It's done all right, but it's a very simple, crappy website."
"That'll do, as long as it has an email address."
Why can't you register your own free email address!?
"That won't do! What if a lot of people sent their mail in and flooded my inbox?"
I don't understand how a newly registered email address could get flooded with mail so quickly.
"That's a secret!"
After saying that, he gave a creepily sinister smile. I have a bad feeling about this.
"You'll know once school has ended today, but until then, it's highly classified."
Please, I'd rather you never tell me what it is!
In the sixth period, Haruki was nowhere to be seen in class. He couldn't have gone home, could he? That wouldn't be possible. It's probably another bad omen.
Very soon it was the end of class, and I automatically walked towards the club room. Though I wondered why I did so, my footsteps never stopped. Finally, I arrived at the club room.
"Hello there!"
As expected, there sat Nagato Yuuki and Asahina-san.
I know I'm not one to criticize, but these two sure have a lot of time on their hands!
Seeing me enter, Asahina-san greeted me with a relieved expression. Seems like having to spend time alone with Nagato can be exhausting.
Wait a moment, you just suffered Haruki's evil clutches yesterday, and you're still coming today?
"Where's Suzumiya-san?"
"God knows. He hasn't been in the class since the sixth period. He's probably off to nick equipment from somewhere."
"Do I have to do what Suzumiya-san had me do yesterday again...?"
Seeing how depressed Asahina-san looked, I said gently:
"Don't worry! If he tries to do anything strange to you, I'll do everything I can to stop him. He can use his own body for blackmail! It's not like I can't beat him when it comes to scuffles!"
I may not know martial arts, but I can still use my fists and feet. Though, before that, I still have to use my not-so-smart brain…
"Thank you."
Seeing him bow at me cutely, I really felt like embracing him tightly. But of course I didn't do that.
"Then I'm counting on you."
"No problem at all!"
Though I repeatedly assured him, five minutes later, all those reassurances got thrown out the window, into the sea, and evaporated like a water droplet on the surface of the sun. Oh, how naive I was!
"Hiya!"
Haruki greeted us energetically, entering the room with two paper bags at hand.
"Sorry guys, I was delayed."
That sure is kind of you! For someone obsessed like Haruki, to be considerate of others is probably the last thing on his mind.
Placing the paper bags on the ground, Haruki turned and locked the door. Asahina-san reflexively shuddered upon hearing the door click.
"Suzumiya, what are you planning today? I'll be frank, I'm not going to do anything like plundering and blackmailing again!"
"What are you talking about? I'd never do such a thing!"
Really? Then how do you explain the computer on the desk!?
"By peaceful means of course! OK, first things first, let's have a look at this."
He pulled out a bunch of A4 papers with some handwriting on top from one of the paper bags.
"These are fliers made to introduce the SOS Brigade to everyone. It took me a lot of hard work to sneak into the photocopying room and print these 200 fliers!"
Haruki handed out the fliers to us. So that's why you skipped class, huh? You should count yourself lucky you weren't caught. I wasn't interested in what was written on the flier, but since I've already taken one, I might as well read what it had to say.
The SOS Brigade founding principle:
We, the SOS Brigade, are seeking all sorts of paranormal events in this world. We welcome anyone who has experienced, is experiencing, or senses that they will experience any kind of supernatural or mysterious events to come to us for consultation. We will do our best to answer your questions. Please note, however, that we do not handle normal paranormal events; it must be a paranormal event that we deem to be very shocking. Our email address is...
I'm starting to have a faint idea of what the SOS Brigade is all about now. It seems that, no matter what, Haruki wanted to indulge herself in the world of science fiction, mystery, and fantasy novels.
"All right, time to hand out the fliers."
"Where do we do that?"
"At the school entrance. Right now there are still a lot of students who haven't gone home yet."
Yes, yes, yes, whatever you say, sir. Just as I'm about to pick up the paper bag with the fliers, Haruki stopped me.
"You don't have to go, just me and Mikuro-kun will do."
"What?"
Asahina-san, who was carrying a flier in his hands, turned his head looking puzzled. I turned and saw Haruki fumbling through the other paper bag, taking out something.
"Ta-da!"
Smiling as happily as a robotic cat, Haruki pulled out a piece of black garment. No, it can't be! As Haruki finished emptying the contents of the paper bag from the fourth dimension, I understood at once why he wanted Asahina-san to hand the fliers, and I prayed for his well being. Asahina-san, may your soul rest in peace!
A big black cape, a hood, four steel-looking handcuffs, bow tie, and swimming briefs.
Isn't that an exotic dancer costume!?
"W... What are those for?" Asahina-san asked shyly.
"You should know. To dress up as an exotic dancer!" Haruki said matter-of-factly.
"Y-You wouldn't want me to wear that, w-would you?"
"Of course! I even prepared one for you!"
"I... I'm not wearing that!"
"Don't worry; the size will fit you perfectly."
"T-That's not the problem! Y... You wouldn't want me to wear that at the school entrance, w-would you?"
"Why, of course."
"No! I don't wanna!"
"Stop complaining!"
This is it; he's been targeted. Haruki leapt onto Asahina-san, like a mother lion preying upon a helpless deer, and began tearing off his uniform.
"NOOO..."
"Now be a good boy and don't move!" Haruki said roughly while swiftly pulling off Asahina-san's button-down shirt, then he moved onto Asahina-san's pants. Just as I was about to stop Haruki's insanity, my eyes met Asahina-san's.
"D... DON'T LOOK!!"
Hearing him scream, I hurriedly ran towards the door... Damn it! The door's locked! It took a while before I could unlock the door and rush out of the room.
Before I left, I took one quick peek – I discovered Nagato reading his book as if nothing happened. Doesn't he have anything to say about this!?
I leaned back on the door, hearing Asahina-san's screams from behind it.
"Kyaa~~!!" "Nooo!" "A... at least let me take them off myself... Sob~~!"
These are mixed in with Haruki's yells of victory.
"That's great!" "Take that off! Quickly!" "You should have done what I said!"
Damn it, don't ask me to fantasize about what's going on inside!
Because you already were fantasizing, you yaoi fangirl…
…
A moment later, Haruki's voice came through the door.
"You can come in now!"
As I sighed entering the room, I was greeted by the sight of two, ehem, handsome exotic dancers. Whether it's Haruki or Asahina-san, they both suit the costume well.
Foregoing the cape, virtually all of their upper bodies were exposed. And… it took me a great lot of effort to not look any lower than their stomachs; they’re supposed to be wearing swimming briefs, so… whatever’s under them would probably still be visible, if only in outline…
You know you want to look down on them… Come on, look at them…
… I’m still narrating, so buzz off!
On another note, Haruki even bothered to wear those fake handcuffs, two for the wrists and two for the ankles… How he thinks they’re supposed to be used, I won’t even bother to ask…
Though you know you want to ask, or is it that you already know what those cuffs are used for???
…
Haruki is lean, and with only the quickest of glances to guide me, his muscles all seem to be toned; Asahina-san is small, but his figure is also perfect. To be honest, they really are a feast for the eyes!
Just as I was wondering whether to say "The costume suits you," to a crying Asahina-san, Haruki said:
"What do you think?"
And you still have the balls to ask me what I think. Is your skull badly damaged!?
"This is going to grab everyone's attention. At this rate, people will definitely come to get the flyers!" said Haruki.
"If you wear such strange costumes out in the open, people are going to look at you funny... Wait a minute, how come Nagato-san doesn't need to wear this?"
"I only bought two sets. Since they come with accessories, they're very expensive."
"Where'd you buy this stuff anyway?"
"On the net."
"... I see."
Haruki picked up the paper bag containing the flyers.
"Let's go, Mikuro-kun."
Asahina-san tried to cover himself with the cape and looked at me pleadingly. I could only stare at him, knowing how he looks like under that cape.
I'm sorry, I just couldn't dredge up any resistance.
Asahina-san tried to grab the table and resist, sobbing like a kid, but he was no match for Haruki's strength. He was dragged away by Haruki, and the two exotic dancers disappeared from the room. Just as I sat down dejectedly, feeling guilty of myself...
"That."
Nagato Yuuki pointed on the ground. I looked and saw two pants lying there... Erm, were those boxers I just saw?
The short-haired, spectacled guy pointed at the cabinet at the other side of the room and then went back to reading his book.
Can't you pick up the clothes yourself!?
I sighed and went to pick up their clothes, placing them in the cabinet. Ah~!, you could feel their body heat on the clothes. They're still warm!
Half an hour later, an exhausted Asahina-san returned. Whoa, eyes red as a bunny's, I better not say anything yet. I hurriedly gave her a chair, and like last time, he simply sat and drooped towards the table, his shoulders shivering. Looks like he doesn't even have the strength to change. The presence of a sobbing boy and a bookworm who didn't care about what was going on, along with me who was at a loss with what to do, had brought the atmosphere of the room to an all-time low. The screams of the Baseball Club could be heard in the distance.
As I was about to think of what's for dinner tonight, Haruki returned. The first thing he did was scowl angrily:
"Damn them! What the hell, those damn teachers! They always get in the way!"
Not sure why he was so angry, I asked:
"Is there a problem?"
"I hadn't even handed out half the fliers and in comes a stupid teacher asking us to stop handing them out! What the hell is wrong with him?"
You moron. If the teachers ignored something like students dressing up as exotic dancers and handing out flyers at the school entrance, then that'd be abnormal!
"Mikuro-kun was nearly in tears, and I got taken to see the Principal, and then that Okabe from the Handball Club came!"
I guess the Principal and Okabe-sensei probably didn't know where to place their eyes when looking at you dressed like that.
"Man, this pisses me off! That's it for today! Dismissed!"
Haruki slowly took off his hood and cape and then proceeded to remove his swimming briefs. I immediately rushed out of the room.
"How long are you going to cry like that? Hurry up and change!"
I leaned on the corridor wall and waited for them to change. Seems like Haruki isn't really a born exhibitionist, it's just that he has no idea what effect the sight of his being half naked would have on girls. The reason he dressed himself up as an exotic dancer wasn't really to show his sexy body, but rather to attract people's attention.
At this rate, there's no way he can experience a normal romantic relationship.
I wish he could be more considerate of how the girls think. At least be considerate for me! Honestly, hanging out with such a crazy person is really exhausting. Besides, for Asahina-san's sake I had to wish for that. Right... Nagato, at least let us know what your opinion is!
A while later, Asahina-san emerged from the room, giving a sad expression of someone who just failed his exams. He needed to support himselfself on the wall or he would surely fall. Not knowing what to say to him, I could only stand in silence.
"Kyori-san…"
His dreamy voice sounds like one of those ghosts from haunted sunken cruise ships.
"If something should happen that no one will take me for a husband, will you stay by my side…?"
Erm, what do I say? It sounded like you were proposing… And, why are you calling me Kyori as well!?
Just as I was wondering if he would collapse and cry, he already walked away.
Damn… such a pity!
The next day, Asahina-san took the day off.
Haruki was already famous in school, but after the dancer incident, his name and eccentricity became the stuff of school legends. Not that I really mind, since I'm not really responsible for Haruki's actions!
What I do mind is, Suzumiya Haruki's actions caused everyone to gossip about Asahina Mikuro-san too. That, and the odd glares I receive from everyone at school.
"Hey, Kyori... seems like you're having a fun time with Suzumiya..."
Taniguchi said to me in a sympathetic tone after school. "I never thought you would become good friends with him... looks like nothing is impossible in this world!"
Ah, shut up!
"I was surprised yesterday! Seeing exotic dancers while I was heading home, I thought I was dreaming!"
Kunikida joined in the conversation, carrying a familiar flier with her.
"What is this SOS Brigade? What's it about?"
Go ask Haruki that question. I don't know, nor do I want to. Even if I did, I don't feel like telling you!
"It asks us to provide any paranormal events, but it doesn't define what those are. And, what does it mean by not handling normal paranormal events?"
Even Asakura Ryouma came to have a word with me.
"You guys seem to be doing some interesting stuff. But if it's something that's way overboard, I advise you to stop at once. Honestly, you guys went too far yesterday."
If I had known, I would have taken the day off as well today!
Haruki is still mad. On one hand, he's mad the teachers stopped him from handing out the fliers; on the other hand, he's mad the SOS Brigade email inbox is still so empty. I expected one or two prank mails in the inbox, but it turns out people were more rational than I thought. Perhaps no one wanted to have anything to do with Haruki and get themselves in trouble?
Haruki scowled at the empty inbox, shaking the optical mouse vigorously.
"Why isn't anyone sending any mail in?"
"There wasn't any yesterday nor today. Maybe everyone does have experiences they could tell, but just can't trust a suspicious looking club like ours?"
I tried to explain unconvincingly.
Have you experienced any paranormal events? Yes. Oh, that's great, then please tell me. All right, actually...
Please! It's not as if something like that would happen, OK? Now you listen, Haruki! Those sorts of things only occur in a comic book or novel. Real life is cruel and strict. Things like a conspiracy to destroy the world from a prefectural high school, mutant organisms wandering in a peaceful suburb, or a spaceship hidden inside a mountain, all these things are impossible. Impossible! You hear me? You understand now, don't you? All your eccentric behavior is a result of you not being able to find a way to release your unhappy emotions, isn't that right? But, it's time for you to wake up. You should settle down and find a girlfriend who would take you home every day and to the movies on Sundays, or maybe you should join some sports clubs to release your excess energy. With your abilities, you'd get into the first team in no time, becoming an active member.
...I wanted to say more, but had only thought up to five lines when Haruki's fists came waving over, so I better stop here.
"Mikuro-kun took the day off today, I hear?"
"Maybe he's not coming back. Such a poor boy, I hope he's not traumatized by yesterday's events."
"Damn, and I prepared a new costume for him to try on today!"
"Can't you try them on yourself!?"
"Of course I can! It's just that it'll be too boring without Mikuro-kun."
Nagato Yuuki blended in with the background as though invisible. Strange, why are you so obsessed with Asahina-san; why can't you for once try the costume on Nagato and force him to play along? I know I REALLY shouldn't say this, but thinking about it, I'd like to see how normally expressionless Nagato would look in that dancer costume. He'd definitely give a feeling different from often crying Asahina-san.
The transfer student Haruki had expected had finally arrived!
Haruki told me the news before homeroom one day.
"Don't you think it's great? The transfer student's really coming!"
Haruki leaned forward towards me, speaking excitedly. His bright smile was like a kindergarten kid finally getting the toy he wants.
Don't know where he heard from, but the transfer student is going to be in Class 1-9.
"This is a chance in a lifetime. It's a pity the student isn't in the same class, but it's definitely a mysterious transfer student, there's no mistake!"
You haven't even met her or him, how do you even know it's a mysterious transfer student?
"Didn't I say it before? A high percentage of those that transfer in the middle of the school term are abnormal."
Who on earth made such a statistic? I guess that is a mystery in itself.
If everyone who transfers in the middle of May is abnormal, then there'd be loads of mysterious transfer students all over Japan.
But, Haruki's way of thinking cannot be confined by logic. After the first session bell rang, Haruki instantly ran out of the classroom. He probably went to visit the Mystery Transfer Student in Class 1-9.
Just before the bell rang to signal the beginning of class, Haruki returned with a confused face.
"So is it a mysterious transfer student...?"
"Hmm... doesn't feel like one."
Of course it doesn't!
"We talked, but I still don't have enough information. Maybe they're just putting up a front as normal people; I believe that's highly probable. After all, it's not like they expose their real identities the day they transferred. I'll ask again the next recess."
Please don't go ask again! I can imagine the Class 1-9 students, who had nothing to do with Haruki, scared to death by his sudden appearance while he grabbed one of the students to ask, "Where's the transfer student?", before he rushed in. That or he would barge in when the student had a conversation with her (or his) friends and interrogate the startled transferee with questions like "Where are you from? Who are you really?"
At this moment, I thought of something else.
"Is the transfer student a guy or a girl?"
"Though there's a possibility of a disguise, he appears to be a girl."
Then he is a girl!
Seems the SOS Brigade has a chance of recruiting another female member besides me. Haruki might just drag that transfer student in without hearing her opinion simply because she's new. But, she may not be as nice as me or Asahina-san. Can he really bring her into the club? If that student reported us to the faculty, who then decides to summon me and Haruki, hell would ensue!
As long as we have the numbers, the "Save the world by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade" would be formed as an association. If the school recognizes us or not, the person to do all the paperwork and menial tasks is most likely to be... me! For the next three years, I will carry the title "Subordinate of Suzumiya Haruki" and live my days in despair.
Would you rather you were called “Mistress of Suzumiya Haruki”?
Again, I won’t dignify you with a reply, so buzz off!
Yare yare, so defensive…
I hadn't thought of what to do when I graduate, but I knew I wanted to go to a university, so I had to watch my behavior. But as long as I'm with Haruki, it seems this wish could never become true.
What should I do?
I couldn't think of anything.
I know I should just confront Haruki, have him dismiss the SOS Brigade, then try my best persuading him to live a normal high school life. Perhaps I could get her to stop thinking about aliens and time travelers, settle down and find a girlfriend, or join some sports club, and be content with these three years of high school.
Sigh, it would be great if I could have done that!
If I had stronger willpower, I won't get sucked so helplessly into the whirlpool around Suzumiya Haruki. I would have peacefully lived out these three years of high school and graduated normally.
... I wish it would have been like that!
However, the reason I'm saying this is because of the strange events afterwards that have happened to me; I believe everyone understands now?
Where should I begin?
Right, let's start from when the transfer student first arrived at our club room.